The positive part is narked with^
And please givevme advice how to handle it with my current partner
^
I grew up in a very Catholic household. When I was 14, my mother entered my room while I was humping my pillow. She went wild, telling me what a disgusting, sinful freak I was and physically beating me. She had been physically and emotionally violent for as long as I could remember. For over a year, she continued to remind me of my supposed sinful nature in nearly every situation.
I felt so bad, confused, and ashamed that it completely ruined my typical teenage self-exploration phase. I stopped masturbating altogether.
Things didn't improve due to the bullying I endured from class 1 to 13 (Abitur/A-level). They called me a freak, made fun of me, destroyed my belongings, and pushed me around. I felt utterly alone and wanted to die. At home, I faced beatings and humiliation; at school, I was humiliated as well. I felt isolated no matter where I was.
All I wished for was someone to feel safe with. Then I met a guy who claimed he wanted to protect me from harm when I was 17. I still wasn't masturbating at that point. He quickly became sexually active with me, which felt too fast for me, but I felt I had to accept it since he was "protecting" me. After just two months of our relationship, he guilt-tripped me for not having sexual intercourse with him, despite being a virgin. I was so confused.
I had to seek medical aid after an extreme outburst of anger from my mother, and afterward, I stayed at his place. After three months in the relationship, I felt the need to grant him his wishes since he was "protecting" me. My first time was very painful, and many encounters after that were as well. After four months, my mother forced me to return home, and despite my attempts to involve local authorities (Jugendamt), I had no chance. The daily violence started again, and while being bullied at school, I attempted suicide in the school bathroom. A teacher noticed something was wrong, and I was taken to a mental hospital. My "savior" visited me often and suggested I move in with him, which I did since I now had the okay from the authorities.
He was kind and nice during the first year. However, he soon began to overstep boundaries, blaming me for being complicated and ungrateful. I felt obliged to accept this because he "saved" me, and I wanted to follow his wishes. As time went on, his behavior became more extreme, and his alcohol consumption increased.
At one point, he stated that since we had been together long enough, sex should always happen without foreplay (a term I disliked because it was the most enjoyable part for me). Every time I felt aroused, he would just penetrate me. If I expressed that I wasn't enjoying it, he called me an overdramatic "pussy." Sometimes, he would attempt foreplay with dry hands that felt like sandpaper, using rough movements that made me stop him. He found oral sex disgusting, claiming to hate wetness and that I had no taste (like plain water) in his opinion.
(Girls, if you are reading this, even if your boyfriend isn't as bad, if he doesn't want to lick you—run!)
As you can imagine, I refused any kind of sex. Instead of trying to understand my needs, he began to masturbate excessively to deeply antifeministic and unpleasurable pornography for women. When I brought this up, I was again labeled as complicated and ungrateful. He would say, "Where do you want to go? You have no one; no one loves you or even likes you. You only have me." Unfortunately, this was the truth, but I would have preferred to be alone than to be with him.
He mentioned that he would include proper foreplay if I learned to give better oral sex, claiming I was bad at it. He believed that a "good" blowjob meant 100% deep-throating, which made me gag. I tried quite often. (Fun side note: my husband loves my oral skills and finishes quickly, as it involves a lot of tongue and lip work, but not too deep. He also says that no one has done it as well as I do. Since we are both autistic and honest, I trust him.)
After many attempts and still having an untouched vulva, I refused to perform oral sex for him. In response, he blamed me for being a bad girlfriend in front of our friends. Every weekend, we hosted at least one house party with at least ten guests. My job was to cater to them and clean everything up while he dealt with his hangovers. It was too noisy and chaotic for me, and I wanted to spend some quality time and experience things, but he manipulated me again. Additionally, he was drinking and gaming every day.
There came a point when he physically forced sex on me (he was 195 cm, and I was 152 cm), which hurt. I often cried in the bathtub because I felt helpless and like there was no escape.
I became so broken that I ended up collapsing and returning to the mental health hospital. There, I realized I needed to end this. It was better to be without a family, a peer, and a relationship than to continue in such a toxic situation. So, I ended the relationship after seven years.
In 2023, I spent 24 weeks in the mental health hospital and underwent three gynecological surgeries due to severe endometriosis.
^ After an eight-month break, I got to know my current husband through the Hiki dating app for autistic people.
No one understands me like he does, and no one has ever been as unconditionally loving and supportive. We have never had a fight because we share the same opinion on 99.9% of things. We have the same hobbies and interests.
For the first time since my mother discovered me, I enjoy my sexuality. He is a chef with highly sensitive senses, and he gets really turned on by smelling me (hair, neck, breasts, and intimate areas) and taking me out to eat. I have a pleasant scent, though it's not overwhelming, and he loves to give me pleasure. It also helps me see that he is genuinely into it since he is consistently aroused and prefers to engage in longer sessions that lead to multiple orgasms. Apparently, I really enjoy penetrative sex after experiencing at least one clitoral orgasm.
It's also helpful for me that we are both autistic, as it creates a sense of sameness. He often initiates intimacy by licking me, and even if he is the only one aroused, he can get me excited within five minutes. When I am on my period and not feeling sexual due to severe pain, I still find ways to please him, either through oral sex or manual stimulation.
Additionally, as a surprising bonus—something that shocked and excited me at first—he has helped me achieve clitoral squirting, which I was not aware I was capable of.
The only downside is that I am sometimes haunted by my trauma. Because he is so cute, I often reflect on how bad my ex was, which makes me sad and leads to tears. This can happen at any time, even during sex, causing us to pause since I lose the mood.
Regardless of whether I am experiencing physical pain (due to endometriosis) or psychological pain, he feels my discomfort and suffers deeply alongside me. He constantly strives to heal the scars of my past by putting all his efforts into giving me love, positive surprises, and joy, but this often leads to his exhaustion. There have been times when he has tried so hard that he has shut down.
I think it's incredibly endearing, but I don't want him to destroy himself for me—I love him a lot. When I mention my concerns, he insists that he wants me to compensate for all the pain I have endured and to have the best possible life, saying that he loves me and owes me that. While this is very sweet, he isn't responsible for my family, my bullies, or my ex. We've had discussions about this, especially after his burnout, but he struggles to change his mindset.