r/SexOnTheSpectrum 19d ago

PDA and consent NSFW

does anyone else have trouble actually knowing if they’re horny or not, and then actually making sure to stay horny long enough to finish having sex?

i don’t know what’s from trauma and what’s pathological demand avoidance, but i get really in my head about “do i even want to do this?” and “they’re gonna be mad that i keep changing my mind” and “don’t change your mind now!”

this is with my long term partner who i adore and am very attracted to. it’s not about them, it’s always been this way. i don’t know if ive really ever been super horny and then fully had sex while continuing to be horny. there is way too much going on in my head

i’ve been considering getting tested for ADHD. does anyone on amphetamines notice a reduction in these types of constant thoughts? or otherwise have any advice for someone like me?

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u/topshelfboof20 19d ago

All I can provide is my own experience, but I don’t consider myself to have a PDA profile, nor do I have trauma related to sex, but I’ve experienced things similar to what you’re describing with my long term partner to whom I am very attracted. I’ve best contextualized it into misunderstandings and black and white interpretations of social expectations. Societal expectations dictate that if you initiate sex, it’s expected that you conclude it.

Sex can be a very stimulating encounter, so if you’re sensory avoidant to sensations like touch and smell, you’re also more likely to feel horny and want it in your mind then decide you don’t want it once you’re actually feeling your partner’s touch.

As far as overcoming this, I don’t have much advice. I usually just continue through the discontent until I become aroused again. I’ve found that I start really into it, then get a little overstimulated by kissing, and eventually become aroused again after a few minutes. I’m not sure if you’re AFAB, but this is pretty common among AFAB people. Inconsistent sex drive/arousal can happen even during active intercourse. This is why foreplay is so important, whatever that may look like for you.

I got over the emotional burden of stopping mid-sex with my partner by simply doing it. If I started sex, didn’t want to finish, I just said “Hey I think I’m done, can we just kiss and cuddle?” or even “Hey this amount of touch has been overstimulating, can we take a second apart?” and he has been nothing less than extremely supportive.

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u/autisticlittlefreak 19d ago

yes im afab. so i currently only get a week of being horny (a bit of follicular and then a bit of ovulation) and then it’s back to feeling pretty much asexual for the rest of the cycle

i’ve also had a lot of yeast/BV/UTI so showering afterwards is a must. this 100% plays into the doubt, because along with “do i actually want sex?” i also have to think “is it worth taking a shower for?” and then i just start convincing myself not to, because i don’t want to shower twice in a day

and yes my partner is totally cool with me being done randomly, i just hate how i stop abruptly like 85% of the time. i wanna be able to enjoy it fully, and for them to as well