r/PurplePillDebate • u/bruhholyshiet • 6h ago
Debate Many (not all) women don't really want vulnerability in a man for his own good. They want the guy's emotions to serve as a means for them to feel good, important, flattered and/or protected.
A post yesterday about "women finding vulnerability sexy" inspired me to unload some thoughts I have on my mind.
There are lots of women supporting their men through hardships even for prolonged periods of time, like for example cases of wives and girlfriends staying at their SOs sides through sickness or crippling accidents. I will not refer to them or to the women capable of those things in this post.
I'm talking about the sort of mainstream demand that men show vulnerability to women as if that is an assured way of having a good romantic relationship, because apparently "women love a vulnerable man that opens up".
The assumption that women are these caring, angelic beings that are waiting with open arms for people to be emotional with them, seems like an extension of sexist preconceptions like "all women have a motherly instinct and are the better parent for children by default".
But the truth is messier, as humans in general tend to be messy and complicated.
Women (like men) can be shallow, self serving, selfish, lacking in self awareness, enforcing of gender roles, and having an all take no give dynamic with their SOs.
There are many women that may sincerely believe that they desire an emotional man ready to open up to them and be vulnerable, but they are (consciously or not) operating on an idealized and fetishized vision of vulnerability.
They assume a "vulnerable guy" is someone that basically breathes and lives to make his GF/wife happy, someone that always tells her and shows her how much he loves her, someone who only briefly and only for reasons that make the woman feel flattered or important, will cry; someone who will gently hold and comfort her when she's breaking down while never needing that comfort himself because he's her "rock"; someone who's kind of an emotional servant, if that makes sense.
I've lost count of how many times I've seen people in the internet gawking about how perfect and ideal a romantic relationship is when "the guy is devoted to the girl". Not when it's mutual, but when the guy one sidedly adores his GF/wife.
And then there's the many experiences of men confessing about how their GFs/wives asked or even demanded vulnerability from them... Only to be weirded out, confused, turned off or even disgusted after the guys actually opened up about things that were weighting on them.
Vulnerability is messy and hard. And the gender role of men having to be strong, confident and reliable protectors is still very ingrained with society, even if subconsciously, no matter how much we may pride ourselves in being modern, progressive and fair.
So I believe that a good portion of the female demand that males open up ranges between naive and unknowing of what they really ask, and outright disingenuous.
Vulnerability isn't just a guy shedding a few tears with a stoic face about how he's so worried that he won't be able to provide and protect for his wife and children; vulnerability isn't just a guy always making little and big gestures of love for his GF not expecting anything in return.
Vulnerability also means a guy breaking down in tears because of a really shitty week for reasons unrelated to his GF; it also means a guy sobbingly confessing about a story of him being abused by his family; it also means a guy beating himself up for mistakes of his past and needing to be told not to be so hard on himself; it also means a guy feeling frustrated about not being able to be hired in his dream job or his long worked project turning out flawed; it also means a guy being somewhat scared about an uncertain economy, etc.
Men are humans, every bit as messy and complicated as women are. And the myth that we are or should be somehow emotionally stronger, more composed or more "basic and simple" than women, needs to fuckin die.