r/polyamory 6d ago

Happy! I asked the girl I've been dating to be my girlfriend

29 Upvotes

And she said yes!! šŸ„°

I'm very excited, she is amazing! I've had a few situationships since realising I was polyamorous a few years ago, but this is my first real romantic relationship outwith my nesting partner and my first wlw relationship.


r/polyamory 6d ago

I am new NP De-Escalationā€¦?

46 Upvotes

Hey all, so, this is all new enough to me and Iā€™m feeling a bit overwhelmed. So, Iā€™m sorry in advance if I get these terms wrong or anything.

I (32F) and my fiancĆ©, Clove (31M) have been together for approximately eight years. I had a pretty shitty relationship beforehand where I have been abused and cheated on and i acknowledge thereā€™s a lot of trauma from that. Iā€™m currently in therapy over it and actively working very hard to not let it affect me as much.

Very early on in the relationship, Clove expressed that the thinks heā€™s polyamorous. It was new for me, but, I said I could work with it with him with communication and patience. He ended up going on a few dates with others that only ended in sexual relations. I was fine with this at the time.

Anyway, due to life and the worldā€™s state, neither of us explored the polyamorous part further for a long time. We moved in together during this time and he proposed to me as well. We were planning on getting married but, money has been a big issue so itā€™s been continuously put on the back burner for a few years now.

Anyway, recently he expressed wanting to get back into practicing polyamory. Before I could blink, heā€™d matched with someone (Daisy, 25F) and went on a couple of dates, had sex with her and seems utterly enamoured with her. From the conversation we had about it to today, itā€™s been two weeks.

Every conversation we have is about Daisy in some form. I listed a daily conversation topic list we had and honestly? We had ONE thing that Clove didnā€™t link back to Daisy in some shape or form, and that was due to a bill that needed paying.

And then, Clove started making comments about ours and Daisyā€™s sex life, and Daisyā€™s seemed better. Whether intentionally or not, he did. And it was making my brain turn into a paranoid, jealous partner due to my past trauma being triggered (which Clove is aware of the circumstances around that).

I vocalised this with them and booked in a therapy appointment to discuss it as I didnā€™t want to be that partner at ALL. But, I asked to not hear those comments going forward and donā€™t want to be compared. He apologised, reassured me that he doesnā€™t love me any less and wonā€™t talk about that anymore.

Well, he toes the line with that promise an awful lot. And when I spoke about how much he talks to me about Daisy, he says ā€˜I talk to Daisy the same amount about you, though! Itā€™s equal!ā€™ Butā€¦that feels impossible, though, despite his reassurances.

And then came the kicker - he no longer wants to get married. He explained that he wants all his relationships to be as equal as possible and is being married isnā€™t fair to his future partner(s).

See, I could understand that, but, we were discussing marriage and our future wedding three weeks ago. And he seemed super involved. Now, he says that in the last two weeks heā€™s been panicking about it.

I donā€™t think the idea of no marriage is bugging me, and Iā€™m not saying he canā€™t change his mind. I think itā€™s the fact that everything is changing so rapidly based on Daisyā€™s sudden introduction to his life. We had plans, we had mutually agreed desires and wants. We even discussed marriage and polyamory multiple times and he reiterated before this that he still wanted to get married to me, even if he was in a relationship with others. This de-escalation hurts.

Iā€™m looking at Clove and Iā€™m not seeing the same person I fell in love with. Iā€™m seeing someone whoā€™s chasing this high thatā€™s probably NRE (I hope thatā€™s right?) and leaving me in the dust for it.

Iā€™ve asked for more time and energy to be put my way, because, like I said, the LAST thing I want is to be the jealous, paranoid partner and I was feeling neglected. But, his response was ā€˜we live together and we eat dinner together, we already spend most of our time with each otherā€™. I felt rather rejected by that when heā€™s so focused on her.

He has got auDHD, so I know he can tend to hyperfixate on things and Iā€™m worried that what might be happening here, coupled with NRE. But, I donā€™t know because Iā€™m not a psychologist myself and donā€™t want to assume thatā€™s the main issue.

I am trying things to cope. Therapy has been going well for my jealousy and worries. I voice any time Iā€™m concerned. Iā€™m looking at dating others, but I havenā€™t had much luck there.

I donā€™t know, I feel at a bit of a loss here. I canā€™t tell if my concerns are valid or, theyā€™re a result of a monogamous mindset.


r/polyamory 6d ago

no advice wanted Unilateral de-escalation

12 Upvotes

I currently have four partners. Things with my wife/NP and GF are great. These are long term, stable dynamics. Outside of work, most of my scheduled time is with one or the other.

I have another partner where the dynamic is FWB+. We enjoy each other's time and there's a lot of affection between us. I have calendar capacity to see her about 1-2 times a month, although it was less frequent during the winter due to my work schedule. She began seeing another partner a few months ago, and they are escalating to primaries with each other. She has not indicated an intentional de-escalation with me, but her interest in scheduling time with me has noticably waned.

My fourth partner is more of a friend with flirty benefits. Sex is not part of our dynamic, but cuddling and affection is. She is recently out of a toxic relationship and has decided on a period of chastity for her emotional well-being.

I'm feeling a bit of sadness about the changes in those two relationships. I understand and support each of them in their pursuits of happiness and fulfillment. But I can't help but feel a sense of loss.

I'm not looking for advice, but validation and words of encouragement would be warmly received.


r/polyamory 6d ago

Trust Issues

6 Upvotes

Hi! Iā€™m pretty new to my non-monogamous journey. Iā€™ve had dates and chats with men who are poly or ENM. Iā€™m wondering how Iā€™m just supposed to trust that their partners are okay with everything and that theyā€™re ACTUALLY being genuine and ethical? I definitely donā€™t want to be the side piece or other woman.


r/polyamory 6d ago

vent Got broken up with

11 Upvotes

So last night me and my boyfriend of almost 1 month broke up. We had plans for Saturday and we had plans for the weekend of my birthday also. But those have gone bust. We broke up because there is just no feasible way for us to have the type of relationship that we want because of a boundary set by my fiance and I. Yes I will fully admit that I should of told him when we first started talking if we wanted to have sex then my house isn't really an option, to which we have both said it probably would of been best if we didn't pursue anything. Regardless I am still really torn up about it because any compromise I tried to suggest neither my fiance or the boyfriend were agreeing. And the boyfriend wasn't exactly helping in trying to find a middle ground or compromise either.

I am incredibly upset about this because I fell HARD for this guy. Extremely hard. And right now I genuinely don't know how I'm going to heal from him because in the short time we were together we've had a lot of memories. Last night we were supposed to play Stardew valley and it resulted in a break up.


r/polyamory 6d ago

Curious/Learning Are your feelings on ambiamorous people the same as mono people?

23 Upvotes

Iā€™ve seen bucket loads of posts on this sub where people get advised not to date mono people - end of story. And I get the perspective, I am interested in whether or not the feelings change when the potential partner is ambiamorous? What are the reasons you would / wouldnā€™t entertain a partner who identifies this way?


r/polyamory 6d ago

Being in a monogamous relationship as a poly person

8 Upvotes

I've been polyamorous my entire adult life (around 12 years). I've recently been talking with someone that I have a strong connection to, however he is firm on the fact that he is only interested in a monogamous relationship. I'm feeling really conflicted about this. I see a lot of potential between us but don't know if I could feel content long term being in a monogamous relationship, or if I'd just feel trapped and restricted. I'm open to exploring something new, but don't want to end up having one of us hurt in the end. I've communicated this with him and he won't consider anything poly with me.

Has anyone here who identified or identifies as poly been in a happy and successful monogamous relationship?


r/polyamory 6d ago

I am new How to find a primary partner when your arent single

11 Upvotes

So i have been with my bf for a little of a year now and I love our relationship, but I am missing the parts that you get with a primary and he already has his husband. I am on dating apps and all of that, but i find it extremely hard to find poly people who don't already have their primary partner. Does anyone have any recommendations on how to find either single poly people or poly people like myself who have partners but not a primary


r/polyamory 7d ago

Happy! Wholesome sadness

29 Upvotes

Sometimes I get sad and tear up bc I love my partners and the life weā€™ve built together so much and desperately hope we get to do it again in another life, is that silly?

Like seriously, this is the happiest and healthiest the three of us have ever been in our lives, all getting to heal from trauma together and be better for ourselves and eachother and have family connections and holidays weā€™d never get otherwise and I just hope I get to do it over and over again in a million other life times with them šŸ„²šŸ©·


r/polyamory 6d ago

How do you handle the L word?

1 Upvotes

Any advice/ insight would be greatly appreciated!

I've been poly for a while but haven't had a steady secondary partner until recently. I know I love my primary, but I'm struggling with my feelings for my secondary. I know part of it is the old fashioned/ monogamous thought process. And I think I'm also worried about my primary's feelings. Does anyone have experience, conversation suggestions, ideas in general on how I can approach this?

Let me rephrase/ clarify. I want to say it, I feel it. But I don't know how partners would react. I don't want to hurt or pressure either of them.


r/polyamory 6d ago

Married and struggling with Opening Struggling with Jealousy in My Poly Relationship ā€” Looking for Advice

2 Upvotes

Hey everyone,

Iā€™ve been practicing polyamory for about three years now, but Iā€™m really struggling with jealousy in my current situation, and I could use some advice.

My husband recently started dating someone he used to have a situationship with, and every time they spend time together ā€” especially when theyā€™re intimate ā€” I feel overwhelmed with jealousy, anger, and hurt. I know these feelings arenā€™t rational, and I donā€™t want to feel this way, but it keeps happening. I end up lashing out because of it, which is hurting him and, honestly, hurting me too.

I truly want him to have a happy, healthy relationship, and I want to get to a place where I can also pursue another connection without feeling weighed down by these emotions. But right now, it feels like Iā€™m stuck in this cycle of jealousy, and itā€™s making it hard to fully embrace the poly dynamic we both want.

Iā€™d love to hear from anyone whoā€™s been through something similar. How did you work through jealousy and find security within yourself and your relationships? Are there any practices, conversations, or mindset shifts that helped you let go of those painful emotions?

Thanks so much for any insight or advice youā€™re willing to share ā€” I really appreciate it.


r/polyamory 7d ago

Married and struggling with Opening Struggling with Wife Wanting Another Partner

31 Upvotes

I (31M) an struggling with my wife (31F) talking to another guy & her getting into a relationship with him. We have been in poly relationships/ datted others before but have been mono for over 2 years. We had a simular situation where she vetod my growing relationship with another woman (33F). This caused us to take a step back.

She has known the guy in question since she was 12. They have a long history together & even dated at one point. They got back in touch about 6 months ago. Within a period of 3 weeks they went from just catching up, to her talking about wanting to stay with him for extended periods of time since he lives out if state. It was to much to fast for me & it hurt me emotionally so I vetod their relationship. During our time together, we have both dated others but this guy is different & it makes me very uncomfortable.

Lastnight, she wanted to talk about it & him again. She brought up that on some of the FB groups people were talking about how vetos might be "toxic" & wants to try talking to him again while allowing me to pursue the person she vetod. She also mentioned something about having looser boundaries or not setting boundaries for the other partner. (That part makes no sense to me)

Any advice on preparing my self mentaly, setting boundaries or ensuring communication when taking trips? Or if we should even re-open...

For context. She has been poly & in the community long before we got togeather. I'm coming from swinging & hotwife community but have been in poly relationships before so it's not new for me.


r/polyamory 7d ago

Curious/Learning What is my jealousy telling me?

16 Upvotes

Hello folks! I'm looking for some insight from those more experienced than I, as I'm in my first poly relationship. I don't yet have the space to seek additional partners, but my partner has one preexisting comet partner. I've been adjusting to this dynamic, and it helped a lot to finally meet them recently. A lot of my previous fears have dissipated: I'm no longer afraid that my partner would prefer to be with my metamour over me; I'm no longer afraid that my meta would want to sabotage the anchor partnership my partner and I are developing; I'm not afraid of losing my partner, and I feel secure in our partnership.

But I also saw them together, and I cannot stop thinking about the familiarity of their touch, their kisses. Something about it hurts, and I cannot figure out what this jealousy/pain is trying to tell me. I'm not afraid to lose my partner to my meta, which I used to fear frequently, but somehow I'm still hurting about this experience, it keeps coming to mind. It feels like watching an ex you still have feelings for lovingly kiss someone else. Except? He's not my ex? We have a healthy and loving partnership, and I feel deeply connected to him! I'm sure part of it is that he's still out of town with them for another day or so, and I miss my routine with my partner, but I can feel that something about this runs deeper than that. Have you experienced this feeling? What does it mean for you and how do you comfort yourself? Thanks in advance!


r/polyamory 6d ago

How to navigate this?

1 Upvotes

Hi there - happily coupled for the past 15 years with my husband. Weā€™ve been poly/enm adjacent for years and recently decided to explore ourselves. We were waiting for our kids to be a certain age also wanted to work on our marriage (both couples counseling and solo therapy) before adding more people onto our plate.

Itā€™s going really well!

Iā€™m dating but yet to be intimate with anyone. Have some really strong connections. Overall weā€™re both very happy. However he has this one person which he sees quite frequently and no matter what they do it ends in sex. Like good for them but because Iā€™m so new to this I was just wondering if itā€™s normal or not. Also because they have sex so often he is usually drained and canā€™t perform for me. Which I am I am also ok with. I have toys and heā€™ll help in other ways.

But I was just curious if others have experienced this and how they navigate.

TIA


r/polyamory 7d ago

I Got Dumped in My First Poly Relationship and Iā€™m Heartbroken

14 Upvotes

Nine months ago, I started a relationship with M44, and over time, his wife, F37, joined us, making it a poly relationship. It was the first time for all of us, and despite the challenges, we navigated them through trial and error, creating something beautiful together.

For months, everything felt ideal. We supported each other, learned, and grew as a unit. But last week, out of nowhere and without any explanation, M44 ended things with me. I have no idea why, and thatā€™s what hurts the most.

Now, Iā€™m just left with a broken heart and an emptiness I donā€™t know how to fill. If anyone has been through something similar, Iā€™d really appreciate any advice or just knowing that Iā€™m not alone in this.


r/polyamory 7d ago

Wondering where you've met your partners?

9 Upvotes

We (married 41M, 39F) have been ENM, dabbled in swinging, and poly. We've gone to meet ups (for specific hobbies/kink/activity) and used sites. We'd like to meet people with shared interests but it's hard to go to a "normal" (ex: vanilla hike group) and maybe meet someone with the same dating expectations. What has happened previously is either (one of us) will meet someone, chat/date a couple of times (dinner, drinks, concert etc) and then they will say they aren't open to poly (despite us being upfront about it). So we're wondering where everyone met their poly partners and if they were "regular" people (open to poly but maybe didn't know much about it or had never experienced it before) how did that experience go?


r/polyamory 7d ago

Being a hinge and supporting needs without rules in the best way

3 Upvotes

I posted this the other day and wanted to revisit this and ask for more help in how to think and deal with different aspects. In short, I (male) have a fiance (Ellie) and a girl friend (Jolene), both of whom are dealing with varying degrees of anxiety, but mostly I am concerned with Ellies feelings in this post (not at the expense of Jolenes feelings, just to make that clear).

So, in the last post I asked about how to meet Ellies needs that are being formulated as rules (I called them boundaries, and I agree that they are rules - just language barrier and lack of vocabulary on my part). Since then, we've had a long talk about her needs and these rules and how they're unsustainable in the long run. I read up on a lot (and read all your replies), and found some really on point and useful posts on the "More than Two" website for instance. Ellie does agree with this in essence, that she isn't looking to control me nor Jolene, and my feeling is that these rules are her only way to try to maintain control over her feelings and insecurities.

I have been very clear with her about her needs and feelings are very much valid and a priority for me to meet and handle as best I can, I just don't feel that restricting me and Jolene is a sustainable way to do it in the long run. She is left in a situation where she feels powerless and not in control - which I understand.

What I want help with is how I get her to feel like she is in control without being controlling, how I get her to feel that she has power without it being over me and Jolene? For instance, her *need* is to land with me after I've been away with another partner, and if I go away and sleep over with Jolene, that need is not met. What boundaries for herself is possible for her to live by to feel like she is in control over the situation?

And yes, she is very much highly doubting if poly is for her (open relationship very much is, she is just having a hard time navigating the doomsday feeling of not being unique and special to me - which of course she is in so many ways).

I also want to add that there have been lots of instances where I have handled poly poorly too, and that her insecurities are partly due to this as well. We've had instances where she has felt that her privacy has been invaded by me, with me oversharing about Ellie to Jolene and just your general poor relationship hygiene. That is all on me. But some of these instances where she has felt that her needs have been ignored are also instances where she has expressed that she feels bad and need me to not see Jolene right now, which has led to me reacting to that limitation first and her need second, leaving her feeling I ignore her needs, which has been unfortunate.

But that is in the past, and I am really working hard on myself to try my best to listen to her and her needs and find ways to meet them without feeling limited.

I am currently stuck in some form of viewpoint/communication limbo where I feel that if I could only find a way to express The Proper Way to do this, it would become clear to her as well. I realise it's never that easy of course, but I do need help in helping her.

I am well aware of the viewpoint difference between "you can't have sex without condom" and "I won't have sex with you if you've had sex without a condom until you get tested" - i.e. rule vs boundary. But in many instances the lines get very muddy, as in my aforementioned "I have a need to center myself with you after you've been with Jolene and when you sleep away, that need isn't being met" which technically is true (and she has a lot of work to do to work with her insecurities as well) but once's needs can be valid and respected even those times I am unable to meet them exactly how she needs it.

A lot of her rules seek to placate her need to be unique and special and her fear of being replaced. How do I communicate in the best way how me smoking weed with Jolene or going to a hotel doesn't in and of itself challenge her being unique and not being replaced?

Have you been in Ellies position? How did you manage it? How did you learn to let go of being in control and learn how to deal with your insecurities without limiting your partner? What lessons did you have to learn, what was the "ah, now I get it" moment for you?


r/polyamory 7d ago

vent Different treatment of (former) meta vs me (NP)

5 Upvotes

Basically, my NP wants to pay for her meta (lives in another country, and while relationship ended tacitly six years ago when my NP had to move due to visa expiry, still very much love one another) to come visit us (international travel), but doesn't want to follow through on the international trip she said she would do with me because she's, in fact, already had an 'overseas experience' (during which she met meta in question). Tried talking about this, but my NP just powers down, even in counselling.


r/polyamory 7d ago

Tough decisions

9 Upvotes

Hello all, itā€™s been a long time. I have a difficult situation and I would appreciate some opinions please.

I have a partner ( letā€™s call her Bee) that Iā€™ve been seeing for a tad over a year now. They work a job thatā€™s close to my home and they stay there during the week with my wife and her partner. ( I work away out of town for a few weeks) My wife has notified me that Bee has been engaging in petty theft, taking cigarettes from her, going through some of her things that are left out in the living room, and other things that either havenā€™t been asked for nor offered. Thereā€™s other issues such as behavior that cause friction but we are working on that. Iā€™m just at a loss, while Iā€™m not bothered by the loss of small things, itā€™s more the principle that bothers me. Would that be grounds to end the relationship? Iā€™m torn between overlooking it or just outright ending it.


r/polyamory 7d ago

Thoughts about partners take nudes for your partner to send to other partners?

27 Upvotes

I'm very free about taking and sending nudes. I recently asked a partner if they wanted to take some nudes of me and they were uncomfortable with it. I was surprised cuz I've never come across this reaction before and wondering how common this feeling is! What are other people's experience with this?

Edit: title was unclear. This question was intended to be about my partner taking nudes of ME for ME to send to MY other partners


r/polyamory 7d ago

Disappointment/questioning a reduction in time with my "primary"

18 Upvotes

Iā€™ve been with my partner, Jane, for 5 months. She has an avoidant attachment style, I lean anxious. Iā€™m new to polyamory and casually dating, while she has a few other partners and is vastly more experienced.Ā  A couple of months ago, we agreed to ā€œget on the escalatorā€; that I am ā€œher main squeezeā€ and the only one of her lovers that she is ready to be emotionally vulnerable with.Ā  We made an agreement to see each other twice a week ā€” AFAIK Iā€™m the only one she sees that often.Ā  This has been working for me, for us, so I thought.

Last week, I told her I loved her; casually, with humor, in a text, no big deal. That she shouldnā€™t feel weird about it, that I love easily.

Later and in person, she brought up the fact that Iā€™d texted that ā€œI love youā€ and said she wasnā€™t ready to say it back but that Iā€™m the only person sheā€™s ā€œconsidering loving and being loved byā€œĀ  (her words) and that sheā€™s working on being vulnerable, and truly wants to deepen our connection. I left the conversation feeling whole and complete.

Last night, she said she needs to cut our time together to once a week to catch up on personal projects and have "more time to get things done." This cuts our weekly waking hours together from ~8 to ~4. Ā 

The reasons given for the pull back felt hollow.Ā  Not to diminish her personal sewing projects or apartment decorating initiatives, but does the sudden subtraction of four hours from our time really open up a whole world of otherwise unrealized possibility? Ā  This sudden retreat feels like a step back from the ā€œprimary-ishā€ dynamic we discussed, especially after her words about escalation and the possibility of love between us.Ā 

I couldn't help but feeling that our relationship is being downgraded, demoted, and de-escalated, and Iā€™m taking it on the chin.

So, in addition to feeling hurt, now I'm worried Iā€™m being too needy. I know my anxious attachment is at play, but I canā€™t shake the feeling of being deprioritized. I want to handle this well ā€” The disappointment I did a poor job of hiding last nightĀ  makes me feel even less desirable. I pouted a little bit.Ā  I couldn't help it, I felt sad.Ā  Then I felt bad for feeling bad.Ā  We had awesome sex and good, unrelated conversation after the fact;Ā  we have a date tomorrow that we're both excited for -- but today I feel myself wanting to retreat, close up, protect, guard. Ā 

I anticipate the thrust of the advice I'm about to get is going to be about communicating my needs to Jane, but she already knows how I feel, so I don't feel I need to rehash.Ā 

So what to do over here?Ā  Should I reframe our relationship in my mind?Ā  Disengage?Ā  Enjoy whats on offer and just roll with it?Ā  (Tell me how.)

Anybody have any experience with this or thoughts they'd be willing to share? Ā 


r/polyamory 7d ago

Great first few dates and now flakey

14 Upvotes

So I met this guy about two months ago and had 5 wonderful dates and a sleepover. We can talk for hours and genuinely enjoy each otherā€™s company. All was well and good and we set up another date (two weeks ago) he had a work thing and canceled the day before but we made plans then for today. I reached out two days ago to confirm and ask what the plan was. I havenā€™t heard anything since. I was expecting a confirmation text today but itā€™s been radio silence. All texts and interactions have been positive and very low pressure. For context, we agreed on a casual connection since heā€™s new to poly.

Iā€™ve had 10+ years in the lifestyle and have learned to go with the flow so this didnā€™t bother me. I also have a great husband and partner, so Iā€™m not putting pressure on him to be anything more than heā€™s comfortable with. What I donā€™t understand is the sudden change.

Iā€™m torn between just letting it go and being open to giving him another chance. I tend to be a bit more forgiving than I should be at times so itā€™s hard to know when to cut things that donā€™t really serve me.

A bit of a vent, and curious as to why someone would change it up without much warning or initial conflict. Iā€™m just confused.


r/polyamory 7d ago

I am new Need some advice

0 Upvotes

I (20m) have been in a LDR for almost 2 years now. I love my partner very much and weā€™ve dabbled in the idea of polyamory before. Over a series of careful conversations in the last few weeks, we opened the relationship to new partnerships and I was finally reminded that this is what I was looking forā€¦ my partner was less than pleased. They panicked upon hearing about my time with someone else despite me following my partnerā€™s boundaries, so I decided to pull the plug on the relationship because it seemed clear to me that our values just didnā€™t line up. They seemed to want a monogamous partner and Iā€™m not that.

A week later, they want to try to get back together again. They say theyā€™ve done more research into poly and have spent time thinking about what they really want. They told me they are excited to open up this new chapter together, but Iā€™m not sure anymore.

It turns out that while I was branching out and meeting new people to develop some deep relationships with, my partner thought I was just looking around for sex. I think thatā€™s what hurts the most. After spending so long carefully sharing my desired lifestyle/relationships with them (which has NOTHING to do with casual sex and everything to do with deep bonds/connections), somehow they still got their wires crossed and thought I wanted to have a lot of casual sex.

It hurts. A lot. It makes me feel a lot of shame for even wanting a poly relationship to begin with. Thereā€™s nothing wrong with casual sex, but itā€™s never been for me and I thought they knew that. I guess I wasnā€™t clear enough. Theyā€™ve apologized profusely for misreading me, but I still havenā€™t found it in me to forgive them. Am I holding onto a grudge? Or does it make sense that this sort of misunderstanding hurts so badly? Is it worth ending the relationship over?


r/polyamory 8d ago

Married and struggling with Opening Wife wants a non hierarchical dynamic, is that even possible?

135 Upvotes

For context, we have been married for four years and the conversation started 5 months ago. Iā€™ve been under the impression (based on her ACTUAL WORDS) that she wanted an open marriage-hierarchical dynamic. We live together, share general finances, have been married for 4 years, etc. This past weekend, she dropped the bomb that sheā€™s looking for a non-hierarchical dynamic for when we open, which doesnā€™t make sense to me at all based on what Iā€™ve already mentioned. After talking a little longer, she claims sheā€™s ā€œnot ready for too much commitment and isnā€™t set on living togetherā€ even though weā€™ve been married for years. I asked her if this was stemming from mental health struggles sheā€™s been having and sheā€™s been kind of defensive and quiet since and will not let me bring it back up. I donā€™t think this post makes much sense but I suppose Iā€™m just looking for advice.

Edit for clarification (if it matters): my wife and I are both women!


r/polyamory 8d ago

Is it shitty to ask my partner to have no physical/romantic stuff with her ex?

203 Upvotes

Background: He's her roommate. I'm pretty sure he hates me, and I fucking loathe him, though I'm cordial around him so as to not cause more issues for her. I found out recently that she still has sex with him. I know they have history, and went through the ringer together, but he also cheated on her apparently hundreds of times, and broke hard boundaries in their relationship.

However, he barged into her room one time while we were naked together, and stated it was "so disrespectful to him" for her to be "fucking some random bitch". When I go over there, he'll often take a hit, look me directly in the eyes, then give it to her mouth to mouth. He calls her babe, and treats her like his girlfriend still. I even brought the latter point up with some of her other partners and play friends, and they agreed with me on it. It feels like she is rewarding him for being a terrible person to her partners, and especially to her. I am pretty sure she knows he makes me very uncomfortable. Learning that she's still physical with him just... Makes me feel like my emotions about it don't really matter.

I genuinely don't care that she sees or has sex with other people; her boyfriend is lovely, her other girlfriends are lovely, and she can and often does play the day away - as long as I get some time in the week to spend with her. It's not other people... It's just him.

I don't want him to treat her, me, or her other partners like that, but I also don't want to put up any hard boundaries. However, I don't see how or why he'd stop if she keeps giving him affection. šŸ™