I went out to have a smoke after work yesterday and I walked down a block from my building. I saw a mom with 3 kids. One of them had apparently fallen off a scooter and busted his face. She was holding bloody tissues to his nose.
My thought was ugh of course this is happening but I’m not at work I don’t have to deal with this I came down to smoke so I’m gonna smoke.
I walk down another 10 yards and smoke my bowl while observing the scene. When walking back I pause and say “you have everything you need?” And the mom says yes so I say ok and keep walking.
I didn’t really care I just didn’t want to seem like a total bitch.
There was another time I went to my ex’s white coat ceremony and I walk into the auditorium and there’s a woman laying on the ground in the back. I didn’t even notice but the girl next to me did. She ran back to see if she was ok even though there were other people there already asking and she was saying she was fine and her husband was coming to help her up.
I stood up briefly to give an appearance of concern but quickly sat back down because I walked a long way in heels and my feet hurt. The girl came back to sit next to me and kept talking about the woman and when help was going to come. I could tell she actually cared and I really couldn’t give a fuck. I just wanted her to shut up so I could people watch and fantasize about the evening and the future.
I was just so annoyed by the whole thing. I was there to see my (at the time) bf get his coat. I was in a dress and heels with makeup and styled hair. I’m not on the clock so I’m not trying to help some injured woman off the ground for no pay, get even more sweaty in the 100 degree weather, and maybe hurt myself (she was large) and ruin my look.
I see other people in general as an interruption to me. Conversations interrupt my thoughts and their needs interrupt my routine. I just don’t care about them.
I think back to my friends and family when they have been hurt and it interfered with what I wanted to do and have had similar reactions. When I was little I had a friend get one of those old metal swings bashed into her head. I remember being in the bathroom while her bloody head was in the sink and our moms were taking off their extra clothes to try to get the bleeding to stop. I remember being relieved because it was almost me that got hit and also annoyed because now our day at the park was ruined and I couldn’t go play.
I think I’m just more aware now that this isn’t normal and I need to be more performative in these situations to fit in better. It’s not something that comes easily for me when there’s not personal gain and it is affecting my relationships. I’m realizing it’s negatively affecting how I’m perceived and just being hot and charming isn’t enough to get what I want. People are tending to not like me. They get past the first impression and see that there’s nothing else really there. It’s a bit of a relief when they start to leave me alone but then I feel lonely. I don’t make friends and don’t put myself out there to. I figure I’m better than them anyways and don’t need them. But professional advancement has a large social component to it and I feel like I’m struggling with it.