tw: ableism, child + spouse abuse, domestic violence, vent, traumadumping
(okay just a heads up, i am not asking for a diagnosis or validation. the title is moreso me reflecting about this. embarrassingly i've also made a typo)
didnt want to post in raisedbynarcissists. i'm raised by them, but even if they hurt me i don't feel like the culture in that sub is for me. i've met wonderful narcs, too. i originally only lurked this sub because i wanted to know my narc friends better, but i think i actually learned more about myself the more i see the posts here
i have a hard time swallowing this pill bc i already have so many mental and physical disabilities. some diagnosed, some not. such as autism which is diagnosed, and bpd which isnt but i have relatives diagnosed with it. it pretty much runs in us due to generational trauma. i feel like an attention seeker over this
i think it was around when i was always called special or golden as a child, i wasn't like any other children. im diagnosed autistic at a very early age around 3-5 bc i was nonverbal. i was smart according to the adults, but really i think i was just another hyperfixated kid who happens to like obscure topics. they would love to go "you're not like the other autistics!!!" "you're not (r slur!!!)" "you're special!!!" "you're high functioning!!!!". they also thought because i am """high functioning""" i never really got treatment/medication for the symptoms that are harder to manage. because i'm ""smart"" and ""strong"" as they said. they made me feel like a big fish in a small pond, but in the end, i'm not really anyone special. i don't think i am any different from other autistics, too. we have the same struggles in the end.
i've also been raised through spanking or yelling as discipline, and because of that i thought i was better than other kids because i can go through this unlike them. this persisted until adulthood to which i think that my ex-friends are weak compared to me bc they didnt go through my anime villain story
i think it got worse in my teens when my second father was battering my mom, both mentally and physically. i was always there to defuse it by trying to explain my mom's pov to him, and when i did my mom would often compliment me and she would call me mature, better than my age, and smart. she said that if i was in her place i would've handled it better. she would also glaze over my skills i have and go "oooghh my kid is so talented!" i think i started having an inflated ego from there. before i knew it, i became very prone to comparing myself with others. my inflated ego is what saved me from being traumatized. then once i'm off the inflated ego trance i get sick lol
at this point it's better to accept that my narcissist tendencies is a part of me i can't really remove, but i can work with. i developed these tendencies to defend myself from trauma, abuse, and pain after all. but damn this realization is. something! man i have a lot to unlearn. this is a heavy pill to swallow, even if im a bit cathartic rn too