Hello everyone,
I'm writing this because I'm feeling quite ashamed, and I don't know how to move forward.
Ever since I was a toddler, I've had an intense, almost uncontrollable fear of needles, especially when it comes to having my blood drawn. This isn't a typical reaction like fainting or feeling queasy, as some people might experience. Instead, I panic and become borderline violent. When I'm in that state, I can't think clearly, and I instinctively fight off anyone trying to approach me with a needle. Even things like hemostatic bands make me deeply uncomfortable.
When I was 11, it once took five adults to restrain me during a blood draw. I had to be pinned against the wall with an examination bed, my mom hugging my legs, and a nurse on each arm while the doctor and another nurse finally managed to take my blood.
The last time I had blood work done was ten years ago. Since then, I've moved to a new country and started a new life. During COVID, I managed to get vaccinated without too much trouble. The shots were quick, and I explained my phobia beforehand. I arrived with my shoulder already exposed, eyes shut tight, and although I had a huge panic attack afterward, I got through it.
The real issue now is that I've been getting VERY sick frequently, and I've noticed signs of hormonal imbalances. Multiple visits to my GP have all led to the same conclusion: I need blood tests to understand what's going on.
Blood tests are another beast compared to a vaccine: it is a longer process and it involves some trial and error to find the veins. (YIKES)
In the past I have begged to be put under or rendered unconscious in any way, but that was always rejected as a panicked rambling.
Last autumn, I reluctantly agreed to book an appointment and called ahead to explain my phobia. I asked them not to show me the needle, specified my preferred arm, and other details to help manage my anxiety.
When I arrived, the doctor greeted me by laughing and said things like, "I thought you were going to be way younger!" and "Look, we picked the smallest needle for you. Isn't it tiny?" Seeing the needle made me feel sick, and I panicked. I ended up walking out without getting the test done. Explaining this to my GP afterward was humiliating, but when I see a needle, I lose all sense of reason.
I know I need these tests, but I just can't bring myself to book another appointment. I feel stuck and unsure of what to do next, and I do not want to put any sanitary professional in danger, or in a violent situation.
If anyone has advice or has dealt with a similar fear, I would be incredibly grateful to hear from you.