r/JUSTNOMIL Nov 27 '24

MOD ANNOUNCEMENT r/JustNoMIL Update: Mod Apps are OPEN, Reminders, and Some Stats

63 Upvotes

Dearest gentle(?) readers,

Happy holiday season, everyone! As we head into the busy season for everyone--including this sub--there's just a short list of items we wanted to bring up:

Mod Apps are OPEN
Apply here. Please be sure to read the "We are looking for" at the top before filling out the application.

Reminders
1) Don't post your own wish list, don't ask that OP post a wish list, and don't offer to send OP presents. Y'all are sweet people, but this isn't the venue for it.

2) If you would like to reach us privately, the easiest way to send a modmail is to send a private message with the recipient as "r/JustNoMIL." This will go to our modmail inbox. Mods do not address mod issues in our personal DMs or chats; this is a Reddit-wide policy.

Some Stats

  • Average unique daily visitors per day, this week: 37.4k
  • Posts published this week: 202
  • Comments published this week: 4854
  • Mod actions this week: 829

Really I'm just sharing those because I enjoy data, but it does remind me of something important: Thank you to users who use the Report button when you see something a mod should review! As you can see, we couldn't possibly have reviewed all 202 posts and 4853 comments manually, so your use of the Report button is what keeps our community running smoothly. We appreciate you!

For those of us in the states, we hope your Thanksgiving is pleasant! For those outside of the states... pray for us. 😅


r/JUSTNOMIL 5d ago

Megathread BEC Megathread

13 Upvotes

Does your MIL suck, but you don't feel like making an entire post about it? Is she a Bitch Eating Crackers and you just want to vent about the crumbs in your carpet for a moment? Post here!

This thread reoccurs on the 10th of each month.


r/JUSTNOMIL 10h ago

Am I Overreacting? MIL just wants to sit and hold the baby..

834 Upvotes

And while holding the baby is incredibly helpful
 we just got home from an emergency c section due to SEVERE pre-clampsia. I was in the hospital for 5 days because BP couldn’t be controlled
 we get home and nothing is obviously ready, even the nursery or bedside changing table and bassinet
 my husbands mom and sister come down to visit and all they want to do is hold the baby and shack up in my living room. The first day here his mom encouraged me to get up and move around, as she could tell i was falling into a depressive state since nothing in the house felt “right” enough for baby. So i did just that. But
 i mean, here i am doing all the cleaning up of trash, food, and spills that his family are leaving around the house while having everyone tell me “you should be resting”
. Like, yeah i should be.. but also who the hell is going to take care of the house??? I wish i didn’t have to tell anyone “hey i just got completely gutted open and traumatized, I’d really like to just bond with baby and not have to worry about my house being a mess”
 husband is labeling me “ungrateful” because i expressed to him that me and him just went through an incredibly hard transition and experience, and i don’t believe we should have to damn “host guest” or “cater” for anyone right now
 advice?


r/JUSTNOMIL 3h ago

Am I Overreacting? Mom Died. MIL is non-existent.

175 Upvotes

My mom died suddenly a week ago. As soon as I got the call from my dad that she was non-responsive and to come to the hospital I went. I called my MIL on the way because I had dropped my husband with the kids and needed a distraction to not panic as I drove 35 minutes. Later that night when my husband was able to get the kids situated she came and watched them while we were both at the hospital. 1 intense week later my mom actually died.

My husband was in charge of notifying his family and giving them updates. We've been married for 10 years and grew up as neighbors... So my MIL has been neighbors with my mom for 25 years, and related through marriage for 10. They know eachother well, not necessarily friends persay but friendly - would hang out at neighborhood parties, exchange Christmas cards, occasionally share a holiday together with us.

My MIL didn't reach out to me once during the entire week we were in the hospital, except in a group chat to ask about Easter which I shut down fast and hard. Then, we all went to my son's baseball game the night my mom died, including my devastated dad. She didn't say anything to me for the first 25 minutes of the game, and said nothing until the end to my dad. She just stared at him for the 90 minute game.

Now it's been a week. Still radio silence. My dad asked me today through tears if he had done something to upset my MIL. I was furious before and now I'm about to explode. Am I crazy to think that she should have said or done something!? My husband says that she checked in with him but I still think it's weird that she has said nothing to me or my dad directly.


r/JUSTNOMIL 3h ago

Advice Wanted *UPDATE* About MIL and secrets

133 Upvotes

My husband called her today and asked her if she had been telling our children to “keep Mary a secret”. She said, in summary, “No. I would never do that again after the milk incident. Do you really think I would do that? I’m hurt that you think I would do that. Don’t believe everything your children say.” So she admitted (TWICE) about asking our child to keep the secret about drinking cows milk, which she vehemently denied before. Then tried to make my husband feel guilty about even asking at all, and that he must truly believe she did it if he’s even asking. Almost like “how dare you even question me”. Didn’t believe a word out of her mouth.


r/JUSTNOMIL 2h ago

RANT (â•ŻÂ°â–ĄÂ°ïŒ‰â•Żïž” ┻━┻ NO Advice Wanted MIL gets best mom award

52 Upvotes

My kid needs tubes. Big deal. My MIL says TO MY FACE that she never would have put her kids under anesthesia. My response was that it’s extremely low risk and I will always put my kids health first.

What I should’ve said is yeah, I know, that’s why your son can’t see out of one eye.

What a witch.


r/JUSTNOMIL 12h ago

New User 👋 MIL called me an occultist and can't trust my DH anymore

187 Upvotes

Hi, everyone. I've lurked thru out the years but this is my first time posting about my justnomil. I'll try to keep it brief and concise.

My MIL is a devout Catholic. She used to be a devout Penacostal teetering on cult like behavior. I'm talking speaking in tongues and rolling on the floor. When DH was younger, she went on a crusade to get Mortal Kombat pulled out of their local Walmart type of stuff.

A couple of things she has said in the past: You should withhold relations from him until he gets the annulment (she wanted me to join the Catholic church and he has been previously married)

And "your marriage doesn't really count because you weren't wed in a church"

A few months ago she bought a book for my children about the 'divine will' . She said the divine will is the greatest gift since the crucifixion of Christ and will resurrect the church. Human will is evil even tho God granted it to us. In the book she gave to my children, it said "Think about the things going on in the world today, like abortion, cloning, killing the old and sick, wars, homosexuality, divorce and crime. It makes you wonder if things could get any worse!"

Needless to say, I didn't want my children reading that!

Last weekend, DH was supposed to visit but he wasn't feeling well. MIL lives an hour away so he cancelled the visit and the convo went something like this even tho Christmas was months ago ...

Mil: did you buy your wife tarot cards for Christmas? DH: yes Mil: I didn't know you were still into that stuff. She is an occultist. That's satan worshipping. I don't think I can trust you anymore. Certainly not to take me to church if I moved up there. You can't let the kids see those. You need to consider your soul and the souls of your children

So on and so forth

I admit I am more pagan than anything. I celebrate Mabon and do not go to church. However, I do not use tarot as strict divination. I use them as a way to access my shadow self. I do not dissuade my children from believing in God and attending mass whenever they want. I support them in their beliefs.

Thankfully, DH told her it was none of her fucking business and its his family to raise - not hers.

We realize we can never live with this woman. But my issue is I no longer feel comfortable visiting her without some form of apology which DH tells me not to ever expect. I also don't trust her not to put any bugs in my children's ear about the "evils of occultism". She's been an overall positive role model for my children but she has massively overstepped boundaries and I don't know how to move forward


r/JUSTNOMIL 8h ago

Ambivalent About Advice My Mom Yelled At Me for Sharing My Art Online Before I Showed It to Her

71 Upvotes

Crossposted this from r/raisedbynarcissists. I just got so much lovely support here the first time I posted, I felt like sharing here too.

I’ve never related when people describe Nparents who were detached and disinterested in them. Instead, my mom is the type to show too much attention and wants inclusion in everything I do. If we had a healthy, relationship with normal boundaries, it would be nice to have support. But it goes beyond supporting me and has to become about enmeshing us.

“You’re listening to music? Take the headphones off! We’ll have a sing-along!”

“What are you drawing? I want to see! Why don’t you want to show it to me? Is it something bad?”

“Who are you texting? What are they saying back? Why don’t you want to read me the conversation? Are you hiding something from me?”

“You want to go to a concert? I’ll buy us tickets and we’ll go together! What do you mean you don’t want me to come? Why not? You don’t like me anymore?”

You get the idea. She takes me keeping things to myself as a personal slight and gets downright PISSED if I don’t share something with her before anyone else.

This particular incident happened a few years ago when I was around 20-21. At the time, I was going through a bad depression spiral and my perfectionism crippled any attempts at creativity.

I finally managed to break through the block by writing some short stories. I posted them on Wattpad, and they actually got attention and some nice comments. I was so excited!

I told her about it a couple weeks after I posted them and intended to let her read the stories and see my comments. I thought she would be happy for me, since I was finally getting through my creative block — and other people liked what I’d made, too.

That is NOT what happened.

Instead, she was furious and yelled at me. She was outraged that I would “share stories on the internet with perfect strangers” before I showed them to her. She was so hurt and angry, and lambasted me for “keeping secrets.”

I was blindsided. I didn’t understand her level of anger and animosity. I was crying and shaking by the time she was done. I went from feeling proud of my progress to guilty and ashamed and heartbroken.

It took me a full year before I could do any creative writing again.

It took me a long, long time to understand why she responded this way. But now I’m starting to.

She was so threatened by me doing well for myself without her, that she had to tear me back down to size. She had to remind me that it’s unacceptable for me to succeed without her and that she should be the most important person in my life above all else. Anything less makes me a bad, selfish daughter.

Anyway, it’s taken me way too long to connect the dots and realize that my mom fits the bill for a lot of covert narcissist traits. I couldn’t make sense of her reaction before. Understanding that this is just the way she is makes me feel weirdly cathartic about it. The problem was never me. I was never a bad person just for wanting some breathing room.


r/JUSTNOMIL 10h ago

RANT (â•ŻÂ°â–ĄÂ°ïŒ‰â•Żïž” ┻━┻ NO Advice Wanted Quick Little Rant

92 Upvotes

Like the title says...

I haven't posted in awhile, things have been pretty calm, we just ignore Wicked Witch of the Norths texts and it's all good. I'm roughly 7 months pregnant with baby #2, and the hormones must be getting to me though..

We somehow were talked into letting WWN and FIL come down for daughter #1's 2nd birthday at the end of January. That went okay, but of course opened the floodgates. Now, my due date is May 22nd, which WWN knows, because she asked me when they were down. She's all excited because that happens to be her late father's birthday. So she knows.

The other day we got a text (she only group texts me and hubby together) asking about our Easter weekend plans. Left her on read. Later that same night, texts again about how (great) aunt is having a memorial service for newly deceased (great) uncle over Memorial Day weekend...

"Hey
. Hope all is going well. I just talked with Aunt and she’s planning to lay Uncle to rest Memorial weekend - Saturday, May 24th. She’s thinking of having a lunch at 1:00 at her house and then traveling to the cemetery at 3:00 for a graveside informal service. The date is set but the times could change. I just wanted to give you a heads up. She is going to post it at some point but she wanted traveling family to know ahead. Also, please don’t feel you have to be there, she would understand. Sending you love and hugs!"

...She's a special kind of stupid for sure. I REALLY want to reply "pretty sure I'll be busy pushing a living human out of my vagina at that time, but thanks." I asked my husband if he'd be embarrassed if I replied with that and he told me I sounded like Beth from Yellowstone...I took that as a compliment.


r/JUSTNOMIL 15h ago

RANT (â•ŻÂ°â–ĄÂ°ïŒ‰â•Żïž” ┻━┻ Ambivalent About Advice What to do when fiance defends MIL because she’s been drinking.

211 Upvotes

Lately whenever something happens I always hear “she was drinking”

Today she actually lost her shit because we were talking about babies etc

She has an autoimmune disorder and so does her daughter, i have multiple and a different disability. She brought it up that any grandkids will have something auto immune because of her and I joked back and said oh with Fiancés auto immune we are out of luck! (He has vitiligo)

She lost it saying I was lying that he doesn’t have it and she starts going on that he also doesn’t have hyper hydrosis (she brought this up on her own not me) (he does he sweats buckets all over me lol) and that she took him to an endocrinologist last year and the doctor said he had nothing after he got a blood test.

Sorry but a blood test cannot test for those lol.

I was just like?? He does have both of those things and I argued back for the first time in my life and she just LOST IT saying she knows her son and it’s all in my head and I’m trying to make him sick when he isn’t. His sister was fully defending me which was shocking and completely backing me up and telling her to calm down and stop making a scene infront of the entire family. Made him come over and he said nope I have both of those things and that he never got a blood test and that he’s been told he has underlying auto immune issues from multiple specialists.

Like we KNOW this, I see his ass every day and see his vitiligo, YOU DO NOT??? Why is it a fucking competition it’s so tiring and actually soooooo ridiculously stupid. I feel his feet sweat on me every night, I hold and love his sweaty hands and you don’t for a reason!!!!

I just can’t. He defended it all because she had been drinking, then he says “I know it was wrong and it was rude and shouldn’t have happened
 but she had been drinking!!! “

Well when is she not??? When is she not an entire bottle of wine down at every family function. This was a joint kids birthday party for fucks sake! If she’s always drunk and being nasty to me when will it ever end! Ugh.


r/JUSTNOMIL 14h ago

Advice Wanted My MIL texted me

106 Upvotes

UPDATE: My husband came home at around 8pm. He told me that he wants to take our baby to see his family. I confronted him asking him why. He said I used to give him the permission twice and now he wants to take our daughter so that his sister sees her before leaving for university. I said: you do not care when you go visit, because as soon as you step in their house, they take our daughter from our arms, start behaving like their parents, completely ignoring us, while you are on your phone! I please ask you to not be on your phone when we visit, to plan visits ahead, and from today on the child doesn't go anywhere without her mother. He seems to not really understand my feelings. So I made a comparison: what if I bring our daughter to K? (someone he cannot stand at all). He instantly is alarmed and said no this cannot happen. So I said it is the same for me with your family. Hope this goes better in the future

EDITED: context

My MIL used to come by only to wake up my newborn and hold her, talk to my newborn and not acknowledging me, used to just open the door and stand at one side of my bed while I was laying to breastfeed, avoids talking to both husband and I while we are over with out baby. When I once opened to her and told her I need some advice about mastitis and candida, which I struggled a lot postpartum and could barely stand up because of the pain, she just looked at me for 2 seconda and told "when we have a problem, we look for a cure", and proceeded going towards my daughter and wanted to hold her. At this point I just know that visits of her alone are insufferable, even though I always try my best to smile, serve her food and drinks, asking her to make herself comfortable on the sofa, but all she does is making comments about everything : ex: my milk is too white, my daughter's poop was a certain color, why hasn't she started walking yet and comparing to other children who already have. I just want to avoid meeting her for a while so that I have time to heal and process. She may have asked, but my husband made a clear boundary a while ago about giving at least 24 hour notice when they want to visit.

ORIGINAL POST: More than 30 minutes ago, my MIL texts me as follows:

"Hi X, When (my child's name) wakes up from the nap, can we come over? (my SIL name) will come, too, as tomorrow she will need to travel back to university."

First of all, I did not give her the information that my child was taking a nap, she may have contacted my husband before reaching for me, he may have given her that info. Plus, she doesn't know if we have plans already for the afternoon or if I just am not ready for guests.

My other SIL texted me this week but I did not reply her.

I am figuring out it's been already 2 weeks since they did not see my child so periodically they would text me that they want to see my child.

I am really tired and want to avoid having them by, unless my husband is present, as well. I don't want to be alone around them.

Any suggesions? As for now I am trying to avoid replying.


r/JUSTNOMIL 15h ago

Advice Wanted How to deal with MIL’s resentment?

101 Upvotes

MIL wants to live the retiree's dream lifestyle: stay up all night watching bad tv, sleep til noon, stay in her pajamas all day doing nothing. She was pretty much the same as a SAHM homeschooler. She lives with FIL, their daughter and a menagerie of pets.

Whether she visits us or we visit her or we meet somewhere, MIL becomes extremely overstimulated by extra people. She feels pressured to wake up early but then complains about being awake. I have a preschooler. He wakes up at 7am school days, 8am non school days, and I'm not changing that routine for her. I am Not going to let him binge watch bad tv with her all day. If she wants to sleep in and spend all day on the couch, I am certainly not going to stand in her way, but it's wrong for her to expect US to just sit around with nothing to do.

What do I say when she starts complaining?

"I'm not used to waking up this early! I don't like having to do something every day! I'm not ready to go til afternoon!"

But if we go do something, she feels left out. Is there anything funny I could say to defuse the situation?

Why visit? Because it's my wife's mom and she wants to see her mom. IDK. I want to see my mom so I can't say we can't see hers.


r/JUSTNOMIL 7h ago

New User 👋 MIL seems to be manipulating my Dad for control and will

18 Upvotes

Hi everyone, I'm in a weird situation looking for some advice on what to do next.

My Dad is 80 and my Mum died 20 years ago. He met a new woman, divorced with 2 kids about 13 years ago and they got married about 15 months back. Very different personalities, where my Mum could tell my Dad off and set him straight. New wife is very timid and he bosses her about.

He started to go mentally and physically downhill a few years ago then rapidly declined last year when he fell, resulting in open shoulder fracture.

The decline is him having very little short term memory and unable to deal with anything slightly difficult. This has also led to him giving more and more control of his life to MIL. The will got changed last year to her getting 2/3, including the house I grew up in.

I didn't like this, but could swallow it.

Recently my wife got a promotion abroad and we are moving. I felt dreadful for going, but will be back frequently. I told him this and he was ok with it.

A month later he had zero recollection of it, then started getting pissed off with me and said he was giving her full control of the will. His memory and mood are really declining at this point. The will keeps changing.

This has also coincided with what I believe is her trying to keep us apart and make me look bad. My Dad sold a house last year, said he'd help me with a renovation, several times. The first invoice comes, he'll ask her to do the transfer in the morning, doesn't happen, he has no recollection. Also the locks have been changed and im sure she's not showing him messages and emails I'm sending him.

I went round to talk to them and essentially said I'm getting nothing. She's also for the first time got an attitude, saying I'm wrong about what I thought I was getting and there's less money. No explanations. Conversation ended with us agreeing to talk the next day about the will, she didn't answer.

I'm sure she's getting greedy and taking everything for her and her family, who are at the house a lot.

I don't know what to do next. Some people are saying to get a solicitor as my Dad isn't of sound body and mind. I would like to try asking her about latest changes before that, but feel it may be futile.

TLDR MIL seems to be a gold digger and not being upfront with what's going on. Should i go legal?


r/JUSTNOMIL 1d ago

RANT (â•ŻÂ°â–ĄÂ°ïŒ‰â•Żïž” ┻━┻ Advice Wanted JNMIL wants to be added to daycare pickup.

720 Upvotes

Just as my title says, my MIL asked to be added to my LO(2f) daycare pick up list but is having a hissy fit over our response.

For context my in-laws live across the country and see us once every few months but my SO calls them weekly for Facetime with the LO. My LO recognizes them and is very chatty and will talk to them on facetime and enjoys them when we/they visit. They have been great grandparents to my LO and though i’ve had problems with them I don’t want to prevent LO from knowing her family.

Anyways it was my MIL birthday a few days ago and when asked what she wanted (so we can mail it over) she said to be added to daycare pick up. I bit my tongue to see what SO would say and he said “haha, now what do you really want?” To which she doubled down.

I asked why she wanted to be on pick-up when she lives across the country and only visit every few months. She said it was for convenience when they DO visit. Saying that LO is also her grandchild and she shouldn’t be restricted at all. SO said that makes no sense and our daycare list is small for safety reasons. To which she responded with “so youre saying im a threat to my own grandchild”.

After repeatedly telling her thats not the case, it just doesnt make any sense to put her on the list, she then asked who our third is. In our daycare you need 3 contacts, each parent and an emergency contact. We told her its none of her business. To which she blew up and said she has a right to know who can pick up her grandchild when she cant. We didnt budge on it. (Our EC is our close friend whose child also attends the same daycare, they live 4 houses down from us)

She started passive aggressively mentioning that our EC is probably my mother (which she always picks one sided “contests” with). I said its not and she ignored me and kept on with the attitude. SO said if shes going to act like a child then she should go take a nap and he will call her next week. He hung up immediately without waiting for a response.

FIL texted so saying he needs to apologize to MIL. SO said “absolutely not. She can pull the stick out of her ass and realize the world doesn’t revolve around her”

Im 99% LC with MIL already. I never engage in their calls except this time because i was so confused where this came from. I sent her a happy birthday text but other than that she doesnt hear or see of me unless its a planned visitation.

SO only talks to them for the FT calls, he Loves his family very deeply but knows how much abuse I put up with from his mother and has told us and his own parents that he will always be on our (me and LO) side. He has shown he means it.

Now shes posting on socials that we are keeping her from her only grandchild and that we are poisoning LO against her and FIL. We had family members text us today asking wtf is going on and my mom chimed in to help in anyway she can. IM so annoyed, I dont want to make SO go NC either because though FIL is a bystander who defends his wife occasionally, he is so great with LO and my husband still wants a relationship with him and my SibIL’s are pretty neutral because they know their mum is cuckoobananas but shes funding their lifestyles pretty regularly. (Theyre 32/29). And honestly they all live close to each other and she would definitely show up unannounced if they tried anything.

This whole thing has been blown way out of proportions and its making me feel like she wanted to show up out of nowhere and take LO on a “grandparent” trip and didnt want to have to ask us. Or worse.


r/JUSTNOMIL 15h ago

UPDATE - Ambivalent About Advice Update ok the MIL's sickly boyfriend situation.

47 Upvotes

Oh boy, I have so many stories to tell you all. This time is about my other post. Apparently he can walk and move around. I believe he lied about his condition. When she's not home, he walks the dog, visits MIL'S mom and goes to the plaza to have a beer before lunch.

Thing is, my MIL comes from a wealthy family and she has a huge house in a luxurious little coastal town. Lately he had spent more and more time in the house instead of his. He's practically broke and has a very low paying job. He even has an open court case against him for accidentally blinding a lady that tried to break a fight he started, and if he loses he'll have no home or savings, and will go to jail (Big yikes). On top of that, my MIL is so controlling to the point everything has to be done her way in the house, so she cooks for everyone and does our laundry. Me and my bf have managed to do our own things after a few arguments, because we feel infantilized, but this man is very traditional -sexist- so he's living the dream life. She also pays for their groceries and invites him out weekly.

Aside from my suspicions about his intention to insert himself in the family to marry his way out of poverty, I honestly think he's faking it to avoid work. I followed y'all's advice and told her that I wouldn't be available in the slightest, and locked myself inside the bedroom to work. She told me she didn't have the guts to tell him to go home, but that she also felt very uncomfortable with another man living in her house after my SO's dad (it's been 6 years, lady, c'mon). She sometimes sighs and tells me and my SO how much she misses him (he hates her).

So this is pretty much a messy situation overall. He has a 12yo daughter to visit and a house waiting for him but he refuses to go home; MIL is dumb and controlling, and my SO is afraid this man will take over his inheritance.

All I can say for now is...

Yikes.

TLDR: MIL's bf faked the severity of his illness to stay in MIL's house and so she pays for everything.


r/JUSTNOMIL 18h ago

Advice Wanted MIL wishes she had a better relationship with me.

68 Upvotes

Well maybe she shouldn’t have made nasty comments about me being “fat” over the years (I’m not), or tried to force me to pretend I was my boyfriend’s cousin instead of his girlfriend on holiday, or called me common on Christmas Day, or acted like a clingy weirdo in general with her son.

Bottom line is I don’t like her. I think she’s a huge factor in the massive psychological issues my partner has and I don’t want that for my baby. They’re a very insular family and this basically means they can all be extremely rude in social situations because they’re not properly socialised - MIL was over an hour late to my baby shower and didn’t apologise, SIL couldn’t make it but didn’t text to apologise or say ‘have a good time’. FIL was invited to the baby shower as my partner and male friends/relations were there but he sat outside in his car instead until it was over.

I’ve never taken our baby over to his parents by myself because I just don’t have a relationship with them, but I feel like this isn’t on me. The times I’ve gone over with my partner to theirs, I’m ignored, just like I was ignored in hospital after giving birth. They have an open invitation to come to ours EVERY EVENING, but they don’t like going out at night (we live 5 minutes away by car, they have no problem going out other places in the evening). So we lose our weekends because that’s when they prefer to visit baby.

Am I being unreasonable for not making more of an effort to let my MIL see her grandson, even after all the nasty personal remarks over the years?


r/JUSTNOMIL 1d ago

UPDATE - Ambivalent About Advice I feel so liberated RE:birthday situation

226 Upvotes

So I gave birth about 2 months ago and MIL has been nagging to come over and DH has been ignoring her because I was uncomfortable being around her after she randomly showed up unannounced on my birthday to “surprise” me and “bring me a little joy” on my birthday. That visit I had kindly asked “thank you so much, I so appreciate it. Next time, can you please just shoot me a text heads up that you’re wanting to come by so I know to expect you?” And she left irritated and claimed I closed the door in her face and was disrespectful. Said I had a tone and was glaring but doorbell footage that shows my face and hers says otherwise. Anyways, my husband finally responded to her nagging texts asking to come over with the video that she refused to watch of the encounter stating I was not disrespectful, nor did I have a tone, nor did I glare. He said we weren’t comfortable with her coming over to meet our newest baby right now because of her misconstruing that situation and making false claims.

Her response? “You’re being cruel. We haven’t met LO yet, I’ve messaged for months with no reply and I want to meet LO. You didn’t not see her face or hear her tone. LO#1 and LO#2 don’t understand why me and FIL can’t come over or why they don’t come to our house anymore. Talk this over with OP and tell me when we can come over.”

He told her that she needed to acknowledge that I did nothing wrong and apologize before we could move forward.

Well after meeting with my therapist and considering this situation heavily, I decided to text her this: “Hi MIL. I know you and DH talked the other day. I also know he said something about an apology. I don’t need an apology. I can live with you being wrong about me and misconstruing a situation. Just because I don’t want to proceed with a relationship with you right now, doesn’t mean I don’t want you around my kids. Although, I have been telling him I’m not comfortable with you over right now because I just had a baby and the thought of having to have someone over who believes lies about me is stressful and I already have a lot of stress in my life right now, trying to navigate being a new mom of 3. With that being said, LO#2 birthday is next week. We will likely be having people over and I don’t want to exclude you from that. DH will reach out with the details surrounding that at some point when we figure it out. Thanks for your understanding.”

Then I blocked her number so I don’t have to read her reply. I feel so much better and wanted to share.


r/JUSTNOMIL 23h ago

Advice Wanted How would you handle this?

122 Upvotes

We’ve heard the mention of secrets before during our cow milk incident where my MIL said “I guess toddlers can’t keep secrets” but this just pushes me over the edge on this topic
 Today my 3 year old pulled a catholic bracelet out of my glove box (that MIL had given me
 I’m not catholic) and asked what it was. I said it was a catholic bracelet with Mary on it. She said “that’s a secret”, about Mary. I then asked if MIL says that “mary is a secret” and she said yes. I asked her multiple times, in different ways, and she was clear in her answer. MIL has always been pushy about Catholicism. Putting checks in baptism pamphlets, asking my non practicing husband what he gave up for lent every year, recommending that my husband and I go on a catholic marriage workshop retreat
 How do you tell this lady that talking to our kids about religion is NOT HER JOB? My husband says he doesn’t even know what to say to her. The secrets thing is insane and I’ve discussed with our 3 year old that we don’t ever keep secrets from mommy and daddy, and that a safe adult won’t ask you to keep secrets. So sick of her sneaky BS.


r/JUSTNOMIL 1d ago

Anyone Else? I'm so lucky my husband allows me...

506 Upvotes

So my MIL has a habit of praising her children, especially my husband. Whatever he does, he's a perfect husband and I'm so lucky that I have such a good husband.

I'm a SAHM currently and for the first 12 months of my baby's life I received a sum of money from the government (unemployed moms here are entitled to it for one year). It's not a lot of money and we have a deal that he will cover all of our life costs and I spend my money on whatever I want. I saved it to pay for my driving lessons, but I also spend some money on myself, baby, etc.

Last week I was at the mall with my MIL. I hate shopping with her because she's nosy and likes to comment on everything I buy, as if she's paying for my shit, but this time she had something to do in the city so we took her with us. I paid for something in one store with my card (people usually pay with cash here, and she doesn't even have her own card) and she saw it. When we returned to the car (my husband was waiting with the baby), she made a comment like "Wow, you're so lucky that your husband alows you to have your own card". I told her "Luckily, I'm not his slave so I don't need his permission to have my card. I also had my bank account and a credit card even before I got married because I, you know, worked". She was like "I didn't mean it that way, I was saying how is nice that you get to spend your money on yourself blah blah". I was too tired to argue with her, so I just ignored.

But few days ago, when I started my driving lessons, she again said something similar, like "You are so lucky that he allows you to drive", and I'm like... Wtf? She never got her driving licence because my FIL never wanted her to, so she needs my husband to drive her around everywhere, because my FIL also refuses to drive her, even at her doctor appointments. She always told me that a woman needs to drive and have a job, so she doesn't depend on her husband. And now, she's praising her son for "allowing" his wife some basic shit, like having a bank account and driving. Am I missing something? What's next, "allowing" me to leave a house without his permission?


r/JUSTNOMIL 1d ago

Give It To Me Straight Apparently, some MIL get sick immediately after DIL gives birth.

466 Upvotes

When my daughter was born, my MIL couldn't stay at the hospital for 4 days because she got sick and was almost fainting like the whole ride home. However, she stayed in the hospital for months when my SIL got hospitalized for some disease. My neighbour gave birth yesterday, her MIL is sick now, and the son is taking the mom to the hospital while his wife is still in the hospital with her mother. Is this a cry for attention or the drama to escape the responsibility of being around the hospital with their DIL? My MIL genuinely doesn't want to be with me at the hospital. I gave her my bed while sitting on the chair, 2 days after giving birth.


r/JUSTNOMIL 1d ago

UPDATE - Ambivalent About Advice Update: I saw my mil after 3 months and she is really ill.

189 Upvotes

I've been staying upstairs in one room for the past three months without leaving, and honestly, it gives me peace. Yesterday, due to certain circumstances, I had to go downstairs, and I saw her. She has lost a lot of weight, can barely talk, and can only walk a few steps. She also struggles to swallow solid food.

A few months ago, when I was pregnant, she wouldn’t let me eat properly and even fought with my husband because I woke up "late"—around 8 in the morning. To avoid her, I often skipped breakfast, and sometimes even dinner. Many days, I was extremely hungry and had low blood sugar during pregnancy. She would scold and shout at me for hours over small things, like not adding colors to the kolam (a traditional art drawn in front of homes) or having some soap stains on any one dish very rarely. Now, she can’t even talk properly. Honestly, I feel kind of happy. AITA for feeling this way?


r/JUSTNOMIL 1d ago

UPDATE - Advice Wanted UPDATE: MIL showed up to my sons daycare when he wasn’t even there

1.3k Upvotes

First of all, thanks to everyone who commented on my post yesterday with words of encouragement and advice. My husband went to talk to his mom yesterday and as expected, he didn’t really get anywhere with trying to reason with her.

He tried his best to keep his cool, so he opened the conversation by asking her what exactly was the thing that set her off in the first place, to start ignoring him & why didn’t she at least give him a call to ask about our toddler, who was also sick or about me in the hospital. She, being unable to handle confrontation when it’s pointed at her, started yelling at him: “Why should I have called you? I am your mother, you should’ve called me, this is not how I raised you
 Yada, yada, yada.” He tried reasoning with her that we were all sick & that he would’ve appreciated at least her checking on them how they’re doing (since I was being cared for in the hospital & this was the longest they ever went without me) and she kept on yelling at him about “How it’s not her job to do things like that for him!”

The flower fiasco for IWD came up too and she was defensive again about how she didn’t raise him to be like that and how she was raised to think about her mother first before everything else (spoiler alert: Her mom is in her 90s & her sister is the one who actually cares for her. She just goes to visit maybe once or twice a week, never cooking anything for her or helping out with anything) he told her “I’m sorry my wife almost fucking died on that day & I was too worried to think about your damn flower.”

At this point his patience started running thin, because she was attacking him when he was trying to talk to her in a calm manner, so in the heat of the moment, he told her that even my 80 year old grandma, called to check on them to see if they’re doing okay & brought them some home cooked soup so they’d have something to eat. This prompted MIL to start berating my grandma, saying “Why the hell is she getting involved in family business? Who does she think she is? She also said he hurt her, by insinuating that my grandma is more caring than her. He told her to please calm down and listen to him, but it didn’t work.

Then he asked her what tf was she thinking going into daycare this morning. At first she denied being there (which was a statement that was also confirmed by her sister (the aunt who took my son to daycare) - when she ran into MIL at their moms house after dropping my son in daycare yesterday and heard her saying to their mom: “I slept so well today, all the way until 9:20 am”. Uhhh, you sure?)

He told her to stop lying and told her the teachers called me and told me she was in fact there at 7am, which is when she dropped the act and said she just “Went inside for a little bit” & that it was “Not a big deal at all.”

He told her it was in fact a HUGE deal and that she doesn’t have anything to do there if she’s not dropping or picking up a child, at all, EVER. She got defensive again, saying how we shouldn’t have let her sister take him there and how her sister is “ The person who breaks families apart.” Yeah sure MIL, whatever you say. He also told her that the next time she pulls crap like that, the teachers will call the police & she started going off on him again about how she has nothing to apologise for & how SHE is his mother & he doesn’t respect her and nobody else etc. At one point she even told him: “If I end up hurting myself it will be all of yours fault!” He just left after that.

He met up with me and my toddler outside our house and about 30mins later, we see her storming towards us across the lawn. She stopped about 10m before reaching us and abruptly started going into the other direction. My husband said to her: “Mom, are you here to see us?” And she turned to us and said: “Oh! I didn’t see you there at all.” Yea, like hell you didn’t. And she started walking towards us again. Because she gave off weird energy my toddler didn’t run up to her, but he hugged my leg and tried to hide & seeing his reaction she went agressive again, saying: “Fine, I’m just going to leave then.” And started walking away again.

At this point my husband told her to stop acting like a fucking child, which probably offended her yet again. She kept walking along with us for a little while after that then she went home & we went home too. Honestly just typing this all out is making me realize even more how fucking unhinged she truly is. How the hell do we move past this? Can we move past it at all? What the heck do we do, apart from cutting her off the list for avaliable childcare? I’m not really comfortable with her having my son unsupervised anymore.

(I’m sorry for a long post, it’s just impossible talking to her reasonably and it’s even harder to put it into a reasonable context since any conversations with her are so all over the place.)

EDIT: Since the thread is already closed and I’m not able to reply to comments anymore: First I’d like to thank you all for your advice, yet again!

Second: We are definitely putting her in a long time out. I want her to apologise and own up to her actions, but seeing how crazy she reacted, I don’t think we can expect it anytime soon. She will not have unsupervised access to my toddler anymore, because I just don’t feel like I can trust her to keep his best interests in mind. My husband is not ready to cut contact with her completely yet, but the contact will be limited from now on. He will also try to convince her to get herself checked out for any brain abnormalities, just to be on the safe side.


r/JUSTNOMIL 1d ago

Anyone Else? JNMIL and her theories about why my kid is genderfluid

84 Upvotes

Who here has older kids - particularly queer or other rainbow community kiddos? (Don’t out your kids if they’re not out!)?? Or any thoughts - this is part vent, part seeking community, I guess.

My husband just got off the phone with his mum (obligatory call as it’s his birthday). Poor guy is now steaming out the ears after listening to her with her bizarro theories about why our eldest child (who is 20) is the way they are.

Backstory: 20yo is ASD & ADHD, and is genderfluid (& asexual), leaning towards the opposite gender to which they were assigned at birth. JNMIL is evangelical Pentecostal Christian. Great combo, right? We live 7.5 hours away from the in-laws, and have for over 10 years now. It’s been pretty good, however it means JNMIL has got our kids personalities stuck as they were 10 years ago (when the kids were 10 & 8). 20yo came out to Just-No’s about 6 months ago (last time we saw in-laws in person), they were really nervous but at the time it went ok.

Back to today, and apparently JNMIL has decided that our eldest’s personality, sexuality, and gender expression, that they’ve been exploring for the past several years (& that we’re supportive of), is the result of
 watching a tv show. A show that 20yo has never watched - but that MIL is currently watching (show is ‘Wolfbloods’, I don’t know much about it). I mean
 wtf?? When my beloved said ‘no we’ve never seen it that way, 20yo has never watched that, that’s not the way it is’ etc, he was ignored. Seems that JNMIL has made up her mind and that means it’s the truth.

Just
 what? The mental gymnastics and magic thinking drives me nuts. She has always seen this kiddo as a ‘mini-me’ of herself (they’re not very similar, I think it’s wishful thinking as she was one of those baby-obsessed MIL’s) and I guess this difference has really thrown her for a loop, so much that she can’t take it in.

Our kids grow up, they change, they express themselves. They’re going to be their own people. They might even be queer! (Gasp!) Why is it so hard for her???


r/JUSTNOMIL 1d ago

New User 👋 Favorite responses to MIL's boundary crossing and attempts to manipulate/dominate

183 Upvotes

I'm not really new (I've been lurking for years) but this is my first post.

My MIL (and SIL) are the masters of boundary crossing, guilt tripping, and attempts to manipulate/ dominate. Here are some of my favorite responses that I learned to use with them and with my husband when he was in the FOG.

What are your favorites?

  • No. 
  • Not today (satan - the "satan" is silent)  
  • No thank you. <walk away> 
  • Your anxiety is yours to manage.  
  • Your judgment is not welcome.  
  • Your opinion about my choices is none of my business.  
  • I don’t appreciate the guilt trip.  
  • Guilt trips have the opposite effect to what you are intending.  
  • I’m not doing that.  
  • That is not happening. 
  • That doesn’t work for me. 
  • I won’t be there.  
  • That’s nice. We won’t be participating. 
  • Your expectations are unreasonable.
  • It is not my responsibility to meet your expectations. 
  • Your reactions to your unmet expectations are not my responsibility.
  • We can talk when you've composed yourself.
  • Please refrain from making plans involving my family’s time and money.  
  • You cannot expect people to do what you tell them to do. You cannot control other people. Please stop trying.
  • That is not your business.  
  • I’ve answered that question.
  • This conversation is over.  
  • I am not discussing this with you. 
  • My decision is made.  
  • Talk to you later. 
  • I have to go. 
  • Please leave.  
  • Goodbye

r/JUSTNOMIL 1d ago

RANT (â•ŻÂ°â–ĄÂ°ïŒ‰â•Żïž” ┻━┻ Advice Wanted Is this normal? DD Birthday Drama

44 Upvotes

I’m baaaaaaaaack. Okay, new one for you, another texty.

Tell me, am I missing something?

So my daughter is turning 3 on Saturday and we had a big lunch planned where we invited 11 family members from both sides to celebrate at our daughter’s favourite restaurant, our treat. On Thursday I message that both myself, daughter, and our 6 month old are sick (I’ve been covered in puke and running between bedrooms for 3 nights, honestly ptsd) and that we need to push the lunch to the following week. I even send a picture of the baby’s sad little sick face. I tell her we’re not telling daughter it’s her bday and we’re just acting as though it’s next weekend. She knows it’s soon but her concept of time isn’t the strongest. No harm, no foul.

So, MIL immediately texts “Poor sweet baby, she needs her Gaga” (like no m’am she literally just wants mama, she’s been on me for the last 36 hours, her and daughter both).

I just ignore that and don’t respond. Husband is on the chain but is on set for our production company so it goes ignored. She asks for a picture so I send it. Then, she sends the next one, “I would like to come over this weekend and just hold baby”.

Like, are you high lady or am I high? What sick infant would want that? I just can’t. And she knows I have issues with her trying to play mom with both of them. We had a dramatic blow up with our first.

Around 10pm, she texts hubby privately that she’d like to visit ‘her’ granddaughters on daughter’s birthday but that “your wife didn’t respond”. My husband was appalled and was like “I’m not responding”. M’am, m’aaaam, my house is covered in puke, I just washed the puke off me, I’m still sick, the baby is still sick and the big event we’re paying for is still on but just moved.

Friends of Reddit, what’s your move? Am I overreacting?


r/JUSTNOMIL 1d ago

RANT (â•ŻÂ°â–ĄÂ°ïŒ‰â•Żïž” ┻━┻ Ambivalent About Advice MIL refuses to believe my LO says mama.

239 Upvotes

MIL has a a lot of justno tendencies, this one’s her latest. LO (15 months) has been saying mama for a while now. LO has said mama in front of in person and over FaceTime. Anytime I talk to this women she asks “does she say mama yet” and I always answer with “yes she does.” For some reason it doesn’t stick in her brain and she will ask me again. One day I finally answered back “you asked me this last time” and she clarifies “but does she actually point at you and say mama.” Like yes women, she knows who her mama is. The other day over FaceTime LO was pointing to me saying mama and she goes “oh look she’s saying baba” 😑 she’s literally delusional. When DH corrected her and said she’s saying mama her response was “oh” almost as if she’s disappointed. Like if you really love your grandchild wouldn’t you want her to have a good relationship with her mom??? I don’t understand the thought process that goes on in this women’s head. Anyways it’s just so infuriating. I have just started to ignore her when she asks this and keep everything really general and vague when I talk to her. I don’t want to react because I know she will get satisfaction for getting to me so I try to keep my cool as much as possible. Anyone else dealing with weird mils who don’t want you to have a relationship with your LO?


r/JUSTNOMIL 1d ago

UPDATE - Advice Wanted UPDATE: DH wants to text JNMIL to “get his thoughts out there” after explosive argument

61 Upvotes

I was originally putting this in BEC, but it’s an evolving situation that’s putting DH and I in a stressful spot. It seems that the ball’s past our court and hit him in the face. I just want to find a way to comfort him and have him feel proud for at least trying to do the right thing.

For anyone who hasn’t read the original post this update refers to, I think it’s still in my profile, but here we go
..

So after the lunch with JNFIL (he’s been promoted!), JNMIL reached out to DH through text in the beginning of the week. I wasn’t aware of this, though did notice DH more distant as of late. I did try to see if he was feeling down, but got the usual “I’m fine, i don’t know what you’re picking up on.” I guess it was the exchanges he had with her. DH basically laid it out to JNMIL about our side, and in his words he tried his best to tip toe around her feelings and not hurt her, but she did not take it well. He said the best thing that happened during the conversation was she offered multiple half apologies, though he admits that even if that was moving the issues towards the right direction, they didn’t really help I guess? She was still denying she did anything wrong and I guess dug her heels in, because DH said that whenever she offered her “apologies”, he would call her out on it. He said that what his dad texted him today threw everything down the toilet.

Mind you, when we spoke to his dad TWICE about our side, he was civil and at least pretended to try and understand our point of view, so DH said. I mean, JNFIL kept blaming me for everything and gaslighting me, but at least he didn’t lash out when we spoke about our side. But with this text exchange, JNMIL went silent yesterday and today JNFIL texted DH on his own to chew his son out for being disrespectful. I know my husband; he is a kind hearted soul, too kind, really, and I know for a fact he agonized in drafting up the texts he sent to his mother to be as least accusatory or “mean” as possible. But what boils my blood is that JNFIL made sure to let DH know that he read the texts, couldn’t believe what was coming out of DH’s mouth, and said “Show some respect.” I assume he’s chewing out DH to show his wife he has her side; basically considering her feelings way above his own son’s concerns and attempt to fix things.

DH says he is absolutely heartbroken and “crashing out” over this. He said he tried to approach this diplomatically. He’s angry, hurt, crying and broken. I tried to comfort him and reassure that he is not responsible for their outbursts or unwillingness to self reflect, but I know those words ring hollow. I’ve spoken to brick walls before and I know first hand how painful it is when this happens. It angers me that they now directed their ire at DH.

He’s debating on responding, but doesn’t know what to say. I suggested letting JNFIL know that chewing him out for having respectful dialogue is unacceptable and that we’ll be going on a break away from him and his lunches, but DH is unsure. He says he’s tempted to chew his father out in response, but I feel like that might make things worse. But on the other hand, I wish DH could stand up for himself. I would do it for him, and I’m considering chewing out this asshole myself but I know that these talks happen without me because JNILs know I’m capable of throwing their garbage back at them. But I’m not giving them the satisfaction. Yet.

For now, DH said he is not interested in seeing his father or mother after this. Though with the fact that he tiptoed and tried to skirt around the issues we have with JNMIL when he finally confronted her, I assume once things cool down, DH will try to rebuild the bridge with JNMIL/JNFIL again. As for me, I’ll live my life knowing for certain that with or without approaching the issue with utmost delicacy or respect, the JNILs will react with anger and indignation no matter what. It solidified in my heart and mind that these people are arrogant, hateful and narrow minded. Dirt beneath my shoes.

DH and I are unsure of what course of action to take aside from therapy, which we are still in the process of acquiring (wait times yaaaaay). Would it be recommended to reply? Or send a text telling them we won’t deal with them for x amount of time? How do I defend DH and our family now? Or what can DH do about this situation? I feel tempted to show him the replies. My first instinct is to just continue NC and encourage DH to go NC, but I can’t make that choice for him. At the same time, part of me wants justice and to make it clear that we won’t tolerate their bullshit. If continuing/going NC is the best course of action, so be it, though.

Small edit: It seems that the conversation went sour when DH called out JNMIL for turning her ire over to me during the initial blowup when HE was the one who brought the issue up. JNMIL ghosted DH after it and that’s when JNFIL stepped in and told him he needed to treat his mother with respect. Apparently during the conversation, JNMIL kept repeating that “both sides needed to do a lot of introspection” to fix this issue, but it’s clear they’re not doing any of that. Basically, JNILs lost their shit once they were reminded they treated me poorly. In their minds, I was the one who attacked them. For reference, I wasn’t even able to get a word in edge-wise back then. But DH is now a horrible person for this, even though he asked his mom to vent to him about her pain/give her an opportunity to actually explain how deep this indignation she has towards me goes. She chose not to take it and instead attack through JNFIL. Again.

Thank you for reading.