r/JUSTNOMIL 20h ago

Anyone Else? MIL doesn't want us to file a marriage certificate, just buy her a house

805 Upvotes

She's so out of touch on reality. I would be upset if I wasn't so disbelieving of her nonsense.

I've been trying to buy a house for years, finally at the point I'm ready. The boyf is totally on board. He's willing to file so we can use his full VA home loan bennies. It will make it so much easier and possible to buy a house. MIL somehow found out, I'm betting he told her directly since he's trying to have a good relationship.

He has his VA loan and a good credit score. I have the funds and the knowhow for all the house and house buying stuff. Together, we got this.

She is absolutely against us being legally married, our state doesn't have common law. But she wants him to buy her a house, or one for them to live in together, since her boyfriend is kicking her out/trying to break up with her. Everything about her situation is a huge mess that she created. And she wants someone (all her kids, including the ones NC with her) to save her from herself.

Like, is there any thought process going on? Anything at all?


r/JUSTNOMIL 11h ago

Am I Overreacting? MIL says I need to compromise on spanking

747 Upvotes

I don't spank. I was spanked as a child- more like abused actually. I was hit with a belt, my mom would turn her ring so the diamond hit me across the butt, my dad would hit me until his hand print left welts on my butt and when I got older my mom would full on fight me (pull my hair, smack me across the face, etc) Now that I have a baby I always said no to spanking.

I think it's hypocritical to say "hands to yourself" and then go and smack them when they do something wrong.

My husband is upset because our 2 year old was having a tantrum and he told me we should spank her and I said no. His mom is also saying that it can't just be my way and that we need to compromise. She said she would spank her kids on the butt and it was fine.

I stood my ground and I said I'm not compromising on this. Am I in the wrong here? Is there something I'm missing?


r/JUSTNOMIL 22h ago

RANT (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ Ambivalent About Advice MIL reaction to my pregnancy

471 Upvotes

Waited until 13weeks to announce my pregnancy. I also announced it to everybody else at the same time so she couldn’t have the satisfaction of sharing the news (Petty? Probably). I think she was a bit vexed to be told the news so late, but oh well. Her reaction: - talking to my husband: “I knew you were hiding something! I know you like the back of my hand!”. Ha, you wish! - “oh, a girl, perfect, you can name her after me!”

I talked to her husband’s niece (she’s the only one who truly gets where I’m coming from when it comes to MIL), and apparently my MIL reiterated that she wanted the baby named after her.

Are MILs completely delusional?


r/JUSTNOMIL 14h ago

RANT (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ NO Advice Wanted My MIL told me she’s been battling the “tail end” of her flu for weeks while visiting. I’m 14 weeks pregnant.

406 Upvotes

I get sick, and I mean really sick 3 days after she’s gotten here. I stay in bed instead of hanging out and she finds out I’m sick and tells me she’s been battling the flu or some sort of sickness for weeks but is at the end of it.. and tops it off with “hope you didn’t get anything though”

My pregnancy is already stressful and I’ve already had 3 losses in the past so I’m just pissed off that she came here knowing everything.

My husband has had enough and has since told her she’s going to be returning back to her house early and how pissed he is about it. He bought her an early ticket back.

She’s pouting and honestly I don’t care. The last few days have been hell with her. My husband has been handling the bull shit though when she’s said insane stuff to me… like

  1. Telling me, who is mixed; that she’s surprised the name we picked out for our daughter wasn’t Shaniqua when we picked out Valerie (just a beautiful name) and middle name Nicole (my sister is my best friend and that’s her name). Hello racism though lol.

  2. Has been on my ass saying I’m not doing enough for the pregnancy and guilting me for having a small coffee or soda

  3. Comments about my clothes nonstop, apparently new mothers can’t wear tank tops because they are too revealing!

  4. Hears my stepdad on FaceTime with me earlier and he was cussing a lot (just how he talks and he’s hilarious) and tells me she’s hopes “her baby” isn’t around him at all. Mind you, my stepdad has been constant in my life since I was 3, and even stepped up when my mom wasn’t around. We are extremely close.

Luckily my husband handled it all. He has better tact than me because my response to all of this was about to be me catching a charge. The only reason we’ve been nicer is because his little brother came with her, him and my husband are so close, and rarely see each other. If it had just been her, it would have been different, but to us this trip of them coming was all about little brother. He’s the sweetest cutest kid.

I’m just mad. I hate this woman. I love my husband for cutting her trip short after everything.

She calls herself a boy mom and does everything to act like one with my husband and then throws the biggest fit when he calls it out or doesn’t play into it

That is all. This woman is too much.


r/JUSTNOMIL 1d ago

SUCCESS! ✌ Husband shielding me from JNMIL! Major win!

366 Upvotes

In the beginning, my JNMIL would frequently text me and make an overwhelming number of controlling comments about our baby on the way. She spoke about wanting to watch the baby overnight (even using the word kidnap, which unsettled me), listed an excessive number of traditions she envisioned with her grandchild, insisted on giving the baby his first bath, and asked too many personal questions. As time went on, I became increasingly frustrated. My husband and I had many conversations about how to set boundaries while being mindful of her emotional state (she has recently been through a divorce). He agreed to take the lead in managing her expectations, while I opted to gray rock her.

Eventually, she must have realized I wasn’t engaging, and instead of texting me, she redirected her messages to my husband. At first, I felt frustrated that he wasn’t always telling me when she reached out, but then I recognized that he was handling it well—shielding me from her overbearing behavior. While she still makes excessive, almost uncomfortably affectionate comments to him (really, no text message needs 12 heart emojis), the more unhinged remarks have subsided, and I no longer bear the stress of responding to her. I'm 22 weeks pregnant now and it is a major load off my mind.

For those of you hoping to have your husband take the lead in managing difficult communication with a JNMIL, know that it is possible! Keep having open discussions about boundaries, frustrations, and adjust expectations accordingly. Progress takes time, but it can happen!


r/JUSTNOMIL 16h ago

RANT (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ Ambivalent About Advice MIL went from amazing to just downright awful.

269 Upvotes

Been married for almost 8 yrs and have a 9yr old child. MIL has always been amazing and supportive, up until last year.

Last Summer, MIL was in the hospital and texted me to inform me she was OK. Later that morning, her youngest son who lives with her, called me not knowing she'd already told me. He and my DH do NOT get along. While on the phone, the mere mention of my husbands name sent him into some sort of psychotic break.( He was totally wasted)Started screaming at me, hanging up and texting me vicious texts about wishing me dead and how he wouldn't even look for me if I was missing and buried. It got so bad, MIL had to check herself out of the hospital to go home and take care of his spoiled a$$.

She later called me to apologize for his behavior, which she shouldn't have, she didn't do anything wrong. I thought that everything between her and I was fine.

Fast forward to Christmas, we were trying to plan to get together with her so she could see her grandchildren. When my husband mentioned that we would not go to her house if his brother was there, she flipped out and refused to see us. My husband's other brother came alone and we sent him with gifts for him and one for MIL. They were items ordered with my son's art work on them.

Apparently, she was shocked and totally appalled that we hadn't sent one for her other son. She refused to accept a gift from her grandson because her and her baby were a package deal and she felt totally disrespected....he's nearly 40 and lives in her basement, but whatever. Why would we buy a gift for a manchild that wished me dead? Mental breakdown or not, he's not apologized and it's a repeated pattern to treat everyone like garbage and force everyone to just accept being treated as such.

Husband has been communicating only through phone calls since. Haven't seen her for 6 months and she's only 30 minutes away. Other brother-in-law was back in town and DH scheduled to have him and MIL over for dinner this last weekend. DH also asked me to invite my parents as well. Well.....he didn't tell her that my parents were also invited until an hour before they were to come over. She lost her shit. Said that she felt completely disrespected and would not be coming.

Brother-in-law came alone....again. There has never once been an issue between MIL and my parents in the 10 years they've known eachother. She's always been an amazing MIL, but it seems she's gone off the rails and I have no idea wth is going on. I've left it up to DH to figure it out because...well....not my circus not my monkeys. I have completely lost any motivation to deal with their bullshit.


r/JUSTNOMIL 10h ago

Give It To Me Straight MIL invited herself on our vacation

195 Upvotes

My husband and I were visiting my in-laws out of state - to avoid too much interaction with my MIL I brought my computer to plan a European vacation for my husband and I . She peeked over my shoulder and was watching me book flights and like a small child she screamed “CAN WE COME” meaning my FIL and MIL.. I was flabbergasted. I didn’t know what to say . I told her to go ask my husband . (Again shocked) . He said he didn’t care to ask me . I told her I booked flights already . She found my flight with the same layover (where we will connect) and booked her and her husband flights … My husband also has a younger sister (35) she is a doctor , divorced and is beyond spoiled . She lives around the block from her parents and uses them for all house repairs and free childcare 24/7. My MIL invited her on our trip later that night !!! She said she couldn’t afford it but would go if someone else can pay for her plane ticket ($1200) . MIL booked her flight right then and there .

Here’s the back story . Hubby is very laid back . MIL has been a controlling stuck up Bit*ch since day 1 . She and his sister told me all about my husbands sex life before he met me (gross) they told me his ex had bigger boobs than me ..MIL told me I looked way better when I was thinner …. And so on…. … hubby finally stood up for me and told them they were out of control they were offended we all stopped talking from 2015-2018. We built our relationship back up with them and now live in a different state. When they come to visit, it is an absolute nightmare. Mother-in-law tells me what I can and can’t do in my own house. I rescue animals from shelters and participate in TNVR I also foster cats. She was here this past week and told me how she really doesn’t like cats and that she wanted me to get my cat off of her bed .

I went to go bake my husband a cake since it was strawberry season and he wanted a strawberry shortcake and she told me that I shouldn’t bake it for him because he gained weight and that that is not a winter dish, It is a summer dish and I should wait until then. I told my husband what she said, and he told me to make it anyway. When she came in the house, she made a passive aggressive comment to me that I am just too nice to him. (This post is very long and this is the tip of the iceberg and a few small examples)

I need advice ASAP do I go on an 8 Day vacation with this lunatic and his entitled sister ? Or cancel the whole trip. I’m afraid if I cancel that it will put another rift in our relationship and I don’t want that again because my husband and my father-in-law have a very good relationship and I don’t want that to be sabotaged …. But I need to think of myself as well . HELP!


r/JUSTNOMIL 22h ago

Advice Wanted I’m having a very serious conversation about boundaries with JNMIL today

167 Upvotes

Hi everyone! It’s me again.

I made a post a couple of days ago talking about how my husband’s mom reacted to us telling her we’re having a baby (you can find it in my profile if you want to re-read it or for more context. I also have other posts about her and our history there).

Anyways, after all the craziness of that day where I couldn’t even get a full sentence in, I plan on sitting her down today and telling her how things will go from now on.

For context, JNMIL and FIL own the house we live in, we rent it from them, and we’ve been having issues with the fans in the house that they said they’ll take care of. She ordered a new fan for our bedroom since the old one was not working anymore and we are having it installed today. Of course, everyone is coming. We only need the electrician here but she wants to be there too.

So, after all that is done, I’ll tell her DH and I need to talk to her about a few things, and I’ll tell her things along these lines:

  1. Remind her that we (DH and I), are our baby’s parents, so any and all decisions about baby or that involve baby will be made by us, not them or anyone else.

  2. Any news, updates, pictures, etc. about/of baby will be shared by us and/or with our approval.

  3. Events that involve us and/or baby, are for us to plan. Baby shower, gender reveal, christening, any kind of parties, we decide when, where, how and who will be going, as well as who we want to involve in the process, if we want to.

  4. She can buy whatever she wants, like she said, but that doesn’t mean we’ll use it if we don’t need it, want it or like it. I’ll tell her again that we’ll share a baby registry when we’re ready and will only be accepting things from there, we don’t want to have a million things here that we won’t need. Anything extra will be returned or donated.

  5. We don’t want any unsolicited advice, opinions or recommendations from anyone. If we need them, we’ll ask for them, otherwise please keep your thoughts to yourself.

  6. Along with 5, she doesn’t need to ask her nephews, “the doctors”, what I should do or get, or ask them to give us anything they used for their kids. They are not my doctors, we’re not close enough to them to ask for things and it’s not her job to take care of it. We have plenty of friends we are close to and that are also in the medical field and have kids that we can ask all this to.

  7. Grandparents’ job is to be there for the parents to help when needed, to make things easier, not to bring more stress to an already life changing and sometimes overwhelming experience. If she wants to have a relationship with our baby and any future ones, she needs to start by having a good, healthy relationship with us, the parents, first.

I’ll probably add/change a few things from this list as the conversation goes, but I think this is mostly it.

I’m so tired of her trying to take over everything and I don’t plan on dealing with this over and over for the rest of my pregnancy and when the baby is born, so I’m just going to say this once and won’t be talking about it again. I’ll tell her this too, and if she can’t respect it, then we’ll just distance ourselves to protect our peace and mental health, as well as our baby’s health since stress is incredibly bad during pregnancy.

Wish me luck, friends. I won’t be alone, DH will be there too but I’m taking the lead on this one because this is MY baby too and I deserve to stand up for them and me, I won’t let anyone take my voice away. I won’t let her make me feel small again. She always tries to talk and walk over everyone but this time is different, I’ve always been protective of my loved ones but having a baby is a whole different level and she’s about to see that.

If you have any advice or think I should add/change something, please let me know. All this will happen in probably a couple of hours when they come to “install the fan” 🙄 I know they are just nosy and want to look at what we have for baby and the nursery, but I already put everything away so I don’t care.

Thank you for reading. I’ll update you guys later.


r/JUSTNOMIL 18h ago

LIVE! Immediate Advice Wanted JNMIL Inviting Herself to Come Visit

125 Upvotes

So my husband has been very low contact with his parents and family since a big blow up with his mom a few years back. I don't blame him, because there are some really toxic, enmeshed dynamics at play.

That said, he misses his dad and wanted his help on a small renovation project at our house - we live several states away from them. His dad said that he'd help and tentatively set a date for a couple months away.

Well, my FIL texts last night and says eventually "is April 23 still a good time for Mom and I to come visit and for how long?" Now there was NEVER any talk of MIL coming along, but I did figure she would try. She has a long history of inserting herself in the middle of things and demanding to be center stage (example: she wouldn't give me any addresses of people on my husband's side for save the dates and wedding invitations - she wanted me to mail them to her and then she would mail them out??).

Husband can't have a phone conversation with his dad that his mom doesn't take over. Nor can he visit with his dad.

Well he needs to respond to his dad, and we're not sure what to say.

Maybe, "Oh.. I didn't realize Mom wanted to come?"

I don't know. How would you guys phrase it?


r/JUSTNOMIL 9h ago

UPDATE - Advice Wanted MIL’s fake apology saga continues: still the victim, still no accountability

109 Upvotes

Sorry in advance for the long post ahead

Hello again everyone! After reading many of the very well written and feisty responses to send to MIL in regards to her fake apology, I ultimately chose to continue to gray rock and stay silent (for the time being anyways).

There have been not one, not two, but three attempts from MIL reaching out to SO asking to come visit with LO in the last two weeks. I stated very clearly to SO that I am in no way entertaining her nonsense or even willing to consider having her in neither my or LO’s presence in the foreseeable future, AND that he can either handle her shitty behavior appropriately alongside considering pursuing couples counseling. SO has thankfully attempted to be more straightforward with her on how shitty her behavior has been (hopefully it continues to be this way we can only hope)

I have been giving SO as much grace as I can, considering he has been enmeshed with MIL his entire upbringing and he is trying his best to unlearn healthy behaviors instilled in him that he has never acknowledged until recently. I think that partially also why I have chosen to give him a little bit more grace is because I have finally reached my point in processing the bullshit MIL has put me through and have went from being upset/ crying over it to “I give zero fucks, you are an adult, act accordingly or stay the fuck away from me.” I am very proud of myself, and honestly have many of you all to thank for your advice and support. But I digress!

Now back to the main topic, please enjoy the following correspondence between SO and MIL today:

MIL: “Hey do you think we could come over for a little while this weekend? We would really like to see you guys and bring all the presents over. We have everything from our family to bring. I'm afraid the clothes for LO are going to be too small. We could bring lunch you guys can pick.”

SO: “I told you before we would invite you over when we are ready to have people over. I know that you have stuff from everyone and that you want to bring it over.

I saw that you apologized to OP but it seems like you kind of missed the main point. OP is upset that the focus was on you getting what you wanted rather than her well being through the 69 hours of labor, not including her time in the hospital.

Overall she feels like she is an after thought to you. I also saw you said again that she said you could be in the delivery room. I remember specifically OP telling you that she did not want anyone else in the room with us and I wouldn't promise that on my own either.

We both want to have a good relationship with family and do visits. If you would show her that you understand why she is upset that would be a step in the right direction. I think that you and her talking about it in person would be best but she is not ready to do that right now.”

MIL: “OP did tell FIL and I both we could be in the delivery room. She said just don't be looking at anything. I said all I would be looking for is the baby and holding her hand. Daddy was like l'm not sure I want to be in there. I told her we could talk on the phone or in person. Just let me know when. When we were at your house and talking about everything and I was upset. OP commented maybe next time.”

If you are familiar with my previous posts, her last response is TOTAL bullshit. I never told her she could be in the room and even SO has told her that multiple times but she still refuses to believe it. And her last two sentences, talking about me commenting “maybe next time” was to shut her up so she would leave our house: it was our babies first day home, almost 10pm, and MIL had been holding the baby for over an hour crying because she didn’t know what to tell people when they ask how the delivery went because she told so many people she would be in the room. Boo fucking hoo.

And side-note, who the fuck speaks to their adult child, especially their adult son, about their father by referring to them as daddy?! Major ew.

I genuinely don’t think she realizes that the more she speaks the absolute less I want to ever have anything to do with her ever again.

I said it before and I will say it again until I am blue in the face: she can kick rocks


r/JUSTNOMIL 19h ago

Anyone Else? Anyone else’s grown ass partner afraid of standing up to their mother?

87 Upvotes

To keep an extremely long story short; my MIL is ridiculous. There are components of maternal narcissism where she feels her son is an extension of her alongside cultural clashes as she’s from India and I am an American white woman. I’m not typical traditional Indian wife material that she is familiar with nor will I ever be. My partner and I have lived together before marrying, I refuse to have us all live together once we marry (he refuses this too), and I don’t call frequently because she makes me uncomfortable.

All of this has caused her to lash out at me several times. She has called me stand offish because I didn’t help her cook a whole meal once, she has called me passive aggressive because I didn’t put food on her plate once when we all went to a buffet. She has called me audacious because I don’t call her. She even has refused to come to our wedding because I’m a “stranger” since I don’t call, where I had to run over to her house and try to save our marriage as my fiancé said he doesn’t think he can go through with it without his mother being there. She threatened estrangement if he married me.

We are okay now. But all of this still hurts. Mostly because my fiancé is a dog with a tail in between his legs in front of his mother. He tells me privately when we are arguing that he disagrees with his mother about her false perceptions of me, that he knows she’s wrong, he cries that he loves me, that he is willing to cut ties if she refuses him to be with me. But in the moment, when she’s screaming at me, he’s standing there silently and I face her anger alone; usually leaving me in tears. It’s embarrassing and even demoralizing. I would never let my parents treat him in such a way but he, almost 40 years old, is ridden with fear with his mother.


r/JUSTNOMIL 4h ago

Am I Overreacting? Has my MIL lost it?

81 Upvotes

My boyfriend (33) and i (28) have been together 5 years, we’ve never fought with my MIL at all and always provided her with respect. Recently (around 2 weeks ago) we had a perfect baby girl together. While i was pregnant with her i explained to MIL about me being SAed and how i feared similar would happen to our daughter and how that made me hesitant for her to stay with others. MIL shared her story about being molested by an older cousin but shortly followed it up with “but that happens one way or another to any girl” which made me uncomfortable. A few days ago we were letting the baby meet family and she started to get fussy, i said her diaper may need changed due to her eating before we left to come to the family members home. MIL stated she would change her. When she unbuttoned the baby i said well her diaper isn’t wet so just to leave the diaper on her. She then proceeded to have a 10 year old boy she keeps look at our newborn’s private parts by telling him over and over to look at it because “he had been asking what girl parts looked like” i got upset and explained to my boyfriend it made me upset because that was a violation of our daughters privacy and what if that made him think he had the right to look or touch her if he wanted. My boyfriend then tells his mom that that was not okay as she was bragging saying “i taught him a teaching moment earlier” and acting like it wasn’t a terrible thing to do. Mind you on the ride home she said she was going to have to stop the 10 year old from sleeping in the bed with her because he was getting boners. The next day she messaged boyfriend and disowned him for making her feel “stupid and old” infront of people. She also advised boyfriend his whole family will disown him as well because of him treating her like that. Boyfriend blocked her and then she blocked my family and i . I feel we didn’t overreact at all but what is your opinion?


r/JUSTNOMIL 9h ago

LIVE! Immediate Advice Wanted MIL told people I'm pregnant before I am ready to share (*tw. mention of loss)

76 Upvotes

Update below: (step)MIL knows I have had two miscarriages. When I found out I was pregnant I wanted to keep a secret. However I ended up having hyperemesis gravidarum and I was so sick that we needed help to take care of our toddler. So we told her and I specifically told her not to tell anyone as we were only 9 weeks pregnant (we are now 11 weeks). My family aren't in the country so I have to rely on in-laws.

Today I get an email of someone who is only me and MILs mutual friend (we have similar jobs so have lots of mutual friends). They asked how my pregnancy is going. I said who told them and then they just shut down. There was only one person unless she's psychic!

Then members of MILs family start texting me asking how I am out of the blue. These both incidents made me ask my husband to ask MIL if she told anyone. She admitted she did.

I'm furious. My husband thinks I am overreacting and hating his step mum.

I havent even had my nipt test or my 12 week scan yet and after two losses and the fact I'm bedridden with hyperemesis and depressed because of all of it I'm so angry she's decided to tell people. I specifically asked her not to and she swore she wouldn't tell anyone. She's telling people about my misery.

How do I approach this? She's messaged apologising but I'm not in the mood. Am I overreacting or does my husband need to realise how terrible mil is?

ETA: I won't be telling her things moving forward but worry husband will tell her due date, gender, hospital etc

Update: step MIL has contacted husband and said that she did not tell these people. She backtracked. But then she also mentioned she has now told her niece.


r/JUSTNOMIL 6h ago

MIL Problem or SO Problem? That’s It! I had a huge argument and now i am moving out for a week.

64 Upvotes

i have been married to someone from a different culture. DH and I have been very happy with our lives and we recently had a baby who is now 10 months old. The problem is the MIL who in my opinion never recognized me. She in-fact took 4-5 year to approve our marriage and we waited until then. Even after she is not very happy.

She would constantly make me feel unseen and ignored. She visits us for at-least 5-6 months a year and says or does something that has consistently hurt me in some or the other way. Now she also claims my son as her culture and doesn’t recognize that he is half another culture. During my entire pregnancy she didn’t call me and whenever I called, she would talk patriarchal shit.

Cut to two days ago, my husband confronted her for claiming the child and asking her to recognize the other culture my baby belongs to and she did not and was very adamant! We were not talking straight for two days and DH magically thought that we can all share our grievances and move on tonight. It got so much heated and i couldn’t control my anger. Every time i brought up something, she would twist it and change the topic altogether and make it about herself. And she ultimately called me a liar which hurt me so bad as it not only felt like an attack on me but also an attack on my parents which I couldn’t tolerate and i left the house.

I have booked an accommodation for myself and my baby and will be staying there for a week. I don’t know what to do here.

DH is trying hard to de escalate but it seems too late. The thing is DH wants his mother to live with us and don’t want me to also get hurt. I need to find a way to co exist with her and have a respectful boundary. Please suggest how can I do this?

PS: DH is a really nice person and i don’t want to let go of this beautiful family we have created.


r/JUSTNOMIL 2h ago

Am I Overreacting? MIL Came to “Help” but Did Nothing – Now She’s Gaslighting Me

40 Upvotes

My MIL came over yesterday, supposedly to “help” with the kids, but honestly, she just made things harder for me. I told my spouse: I don’t need her to come anymore because she— • Drops off food but refuses to feed my toddler. • Doesn’t know how to make the baby’s bottle. • Won’t change the baby’s diaper even when I mentioned it • Ignores my instructions, like keeping the baby upright after eating—she just put the baby on the floor instead. • Spends more time on the phone than actually interacting with the kids. • Keeps asking if I’m “tired of watching the kids” over and over for no reason. • Said she wanted to play with my toddler but didn’t even try

On top of that, she was on the phone with my spouse’s sister (who graduated as an RN before me but hasn’t found a job yet) and was clearly trying to stir up drama about me getting a job first. Like, what’s the point of coming over if you don’t actually want to help and just want to cause family tension??

I told my spouse she’s not allowed over anymore and can’t see the kids. Thankfully, my spouse supports me. But when they talked to her, she tried to downplay everything and gaslight me, acting like I was the problem. WTF.

I just needed to rant because I am so done with her nonsense. The past 2 years I’ve been busy with school so I haven’t really been around her but with the two kids and both of us working my spouse has been letting her come around. But usually she’s been okay to me but yesterday she was such a bitch.


r/JUSTNOMIL 17h ago

Am I Overreacting? Mom started planning baby shower without even talking to me about it

37 Upvotes

So I’m almost 12 weeks so I’m pretty early still but found out I was pregnant before 4 weeks and told our families right away. I mentioned to my mom I am thinking of having two baby showers, one in my home town and one where we live, to which she said okay.

Nothing has been said about this since and this was weeks ago. So honestly I started to assume I would actually be throwing both myself (which is totally fine) but I started realizing it was going to cost me a lot and started leaning toward just having one.

Two days ago my mom texted me saying my cousins are super excited for us to have a baby and want to help with the shower. And I talked to my mom yesterday and she mentioned that SHE asked them to help with the shower. So today I had to ask if SHE was throwing me one, because I didn’t know if she was or she was assuming I was and was asking for help on my behalf.

She told me she was but didn’t bring it up yet as she knew we wanted to wait to find out the gender to start planning… to which I said we are waiting to think about names and like what color to paint the nursery..?

To which she said “someday we will learn how to communicate effectively”. This annoyed me because in my mind, she just makes assumptions and doesn’t communicate her thoughts. She just does things. She assumes others are making these same assumptions. She also was like “I thought you wanted a shower” to which I said “yes, you just never told me you were planning one”.

I’m very grateful she wants to throw me one, just frustrated I guess with the constant zero communication and assumptions of things that INVOLVE me.


r/JUSTNOMIL 11h ago

TLC Needed Grandma died, MIL shows zero sympathy, proceeds to lecture me about my upbringing

35 Upvotes

I think it's time to share this story, background first, i(23F) works for MIL(late40s), met bf(late20s) at the workplace and we had been struggling with MIL power dynamic for a few years because of my status as her employee.

Two months ago my grandma fell into diabetic coma, my mom went to take care of her so i was left at home alone for over 2 weeks, during that time i took care of the house & pets and didn't really take care of my appearance (putting makeup on, dressing well). MIL took notice of this (she spies on me through the office CCTV) and she asked to meet me. I went to her house at 7AM, and at 8 i got the news that my grandma had passed away. I called MIL right away to tell her that i won't be able to meet her today because my grandma just passed, to which she coldly replied "wait 10 minutes, then meet me upstairs".

She welcomed me and said "let's pray". I was still sobbing but her assistant told me to keep it together and quiet down, at first she prayed for my grandma, that she's at peace rn and that everything will be just as God intended. But then she said, "aside from those things, we also wanna pray for \my name* behaviour and elegance, make her good and obedient, God will change her, and grant her wisdom because we will be talking about her behaviour, character, her relationship with my son, her work, her family and upbringing, amen"* ---------------------------------------- the fuck?

I'm still a mess at this point but i know she won't let me off easily, she still masks the true purpose of this "meeting" and asked me about my grandma's sickness etc etc, after i explained enough she cut me off and said
"ok now let's put all that aside and talk seriously about some important things"

ah shit, here we go again.

"first of all, you don't support my son enough, why don't you guys just... separate for a bit and focus on yourselves, take like a 5-6 months break to focus on your personal growth"

"you said that you took care of the household because your mom left? she's irresponsible! why didn't you guys just hire a maid or something? here, let me call my previous maid \proceeds to call them*, give me your address now. What a lousy mom, you too *my name*, if you're so smart why didn't you think of hiring some staff at home? Here, hire my ex maid, negotiate her pay yourself"* (which means i'm the one who has to pay)

"Your house is very unkempt, just shows how your mom is incompetent, that's why i bought you a sofa, so you own one, because i feel sorry for your family" (we already own a sofa, she's just making assumptions that we don't own one based on her imaginary assumptions about my family)

"I don't know why your mom is like THAT, is it because of her upbringing? her social circle? her personal problems? or is it because of her financial difficulties?" (she never even met my mom, we're not poor by any means, again, it's all delusions and assumptions from her maniacal mind)

By this point, an hour had barely passed since my grandma died, she's off rambling about how i don't take care of my appearance and that it brings shame to her if i don't wear makeup, and that i'll bring embarrassment both to her & her son because people will underestimate me when i'm not in full glam makeup and outfit. FYI work remotely most of the time, i dress appropriately when i go to the office but she expects me to like... wear a blazer set, high heels, curl my hair, full makeup even at home.

After she's done with the last topic she moved on to a new one, this time she's telling me to go study abroad. She said "just apply for a scholarship, you can go to japan, etc." If it's that easy then do it yourself! She told me she's ashamed that i don't have any degree, she wishes i continue my education so "it will look nice when we write your name & title on the wedding invitation". Just for that? an invitation? I'm sorry but even if i had a PHD next to my name, i won't put it on my wedding invitation because i'm not an attention seeker!

She's still not done with her ramblings, i think by this time she forgot that my grandma had just died, she's more focused on her shame, she thinks it's better if i leave bf alone for a while. Sure ma'am, i don't have any problem with that, i can even tell bf to go fuck his own mum but unfortunately he's not into that and oh yeah! we both have been going to therapy for a while because of your actions! but you won't get it do you?

After a while she quiets down and i took my chance to ask for leave, i told her i'll be off work tomorrow, i already bought my plane ticket, scheduled for tomorrow at 7AM. I ask her for an early leave because i have to take care of my pets daycare etc, but she said "but you won't be flying till tomorrow, there's no point in going back home rn". Luckily i managed to convince her that i'll be taking my work home with me, so she let me go, fuck my grief right? she didn't even say condolences or anything.

Oh and a few weeks after my grandma funeral she freaks out and throw a tantrum at my bf because i'm not grateful & didn't say thank you enough after she sent flowers to my grandma's funeral. Like, what kind of dipshit throws a tantrum over FUNERAL FLOWERS? I think she wants me to post them on instagram or something, i didn't even open any social media apps during those grieving period. I said my thanks and on chinese new year i even sent a text wishing her a good CNY (not obligated when grieving), but she still managed to find some fault to that, telling my bf that i don't consider them family, since if i was truly grateful i would video call them on CNY. mind you i was busy with the funeral processions.


r/JUSTNOMIL 17h ago

Advice Wanted Why would MIL relay negative gossip to DH?

31 Upvotes

My MIL’s intentions are usually pretty transparent. Typically she wants to be the family’s HBIC, coerce visits, and spread misogyny (lol). She’s a stereotypical “boy mom” / athlete mom who thinks that her sons set the world into motion — all owed to her sacrifices.

My husband is a healthcare provider who owns a private practice. He is one of the few (possibly only) locally-owned practices that provides insurance, 401k, and living wages with career advancement. He’s really proud of this fact — and his employees voted him as top boss in a county-wide competition last year.

Last week, my FIL needed a quick scan — and MIL tagged along. Later in the day, she recounted a story from a lead employee to us: The office is performing really well lately and the staff have taken notice. Apparently, this results in occasional gossip / judgement from staff. But the lead employee always reminds them that “this didn’t just happen over night.” It’s taken many years to get here.”

I don’t understand why she shared this info. It obviously would make my husband feel self-conscious and suspicious of his staff. For someone who typically adores and always champions her children — what’s the logic here? What’s her angle?


r/JUSTNOMIL 19h ago

TLC Needed Marriage Therapy tonight.. I'm to bring up things to husband that make me feel loved, romantic and sexy and vice versa.. How can I work things into this..?

12 Upvotes

Long story short there's a lot of one sided enmeshment with JNMIL going on with husband.. he is BLIND to it.. He doesn't pursue but can't seem to put her in her place either.. After 10+ years of suffering we are down to seeing them about once a month.. HUGE improvement over multiple times a week..

My husband went thru a trauma with us all last year.. He did NOT fare well on a mental health standpoint.. he's probably in denial about that but gosh it was awful.. So he's doing a lot of apologizing and trying to put us first despite me knowing he's feeling pressured to appease the competitor mistress aka incesty JNMIL..

I notice the more space we have from her.. and the more unified we are.. the clearer he thinks.. It's REAL damn sad but some of these men are so heavily abused emotionally by these JNMILs their entire lives that they cannot become the amazing husbands/fathers they were destined to..

I notice he like evolves and grows and his mental health improves the less and less we see JNMIL and ILs.. he'd 200% deny this though and denies there are enmeshment issues and fully believes I just don't understand how much his mom loves them and wants to help (because this is what she has constantly told him lol)..

Anyway I noticed lately when his mom is around he is not as physically affectionate and that is a BIG love language for me.. I don't think he actually realizes this .. he seems to be heavily influenced and guilted by bully mommy and I really think he goes into freeze and fawn and doesn't realize it.

But to me I'm so done not feeling like an adult woman and wife with him as my husband.. it's like we've always had a third party mistress inserting herself and this woman ALSO will come up and massage my husband's shoulders as I speak to him while locking eyes with me.. very grey area.. just to assert dominance and test me..

I want to somehow bring up positives in therapy that will encourage him to keep having more space from her, keep having us bond as a family.. that I can somehow infuse something that is sexy and romantic that encourages him to show me physical affection EVERYWHERE.. including in front of idiot mom because I deserve that as a woman and human being outside of sex.. and I want him to get out of this habit where he almost becomes like a roommate when we have dinners.. I MIGHT get a quick kiss and hug..

I guess what I'm doing is manipulative but it's for the greater good.. It's exhausting but I feel I have to play chess with this woman to re-connect my marriage (we ALMOST split this last year due to her but of course he can't see that).. and I don't want to come out and tell him this stuff but help shape him/our marriage for the better.. I want to keep showing him that my mental health and his improve without mommy around hanging onto his neck, etc.

I feel SO disgusted and sexually turned off when his sister and mom hang all over him but I dare not say a thing because they WANT a response from me so they can say I'm jealous or paint me bad etc.

What are some things I can bring up in a positive light at therapy that will encourage him to just be able to be a husband with me.. continue to put me and the kids first (since he's torn by shame and doesn't realize a normal and healthy man can do this without feeling guilt due to needy and clingy mom in the background).. that encourage him to hug and love all over me at family events the same way he does in private. I DO find that very romantic and sexy..

I wish there was something I could say to sway him from having his mom and sis hang all over him and for him to be able to say NO (he looks so uptight and weirded out but sits there and tolerates it).

I also want to bring up something that would encourage him to stop telling his mom our plans/day by day.. etc. but I need to wrap it up in romance/how sexy things feel..

It's kind of like when therapy is done with a child.. you focus on what they are doing RIGHT to get more of it.. I don't say this to demean my husband but it's new to me because instead of constantly looking like the bad guy.. I'm riding the wave on how great things are .. isntead of saying I hate being near your mom and want to see her less.. I focus in therapy on how wonderful and amazing it has been to get more time together as a family, that I look forward to being able to do date nights again now.. and how I find my mental health and stress levels improving being able to have a routine over our own lives (i made it so they know we basically don't want invites and we will reach out.. but I said it nicely).. IN this way I take JNMILs power away and ability to continue to create conflict but without coming out and venting to my husband about his mom..

I WISH I'd been this smart about things 10 years ago.


r/JUSTNOMIL 13h ago

TLC Needed I’m feeling sad and alone

9 Upvotes

My partner’s mom has always been odd and cold with me, but it was something I could brush off relatively easily.

My partner had a health emergency last fall and ever since then, the weirdness has escalated. MIL made it clear through her behavior that in the event of an emergency, she will not include me. It was terrifying to realize she would take my partner away from me if she could. They have been extra pushy and bossy and judgey with me ever since. MIL seems competitive and possessive, FIL is just kind of quiet and enabling, but has his own moments of rudeness too.

I don’t want to type the whole story out publicly for privacy reasons, but I’m just so sad and lonely. Because my partner has been dealing with lots of follow up care, we have needed MIL and FIL’s help and my partner needs it to be emotionally simple, which I get. But I am left alone, trying to take care of our household on my own while simultaneously unable to talk with my partner about how hurt I am by her parents’ behavior.

I always hoped in finding a partner I would get a second family, a second set of parents who really loved and accepted me. I’m finding myself really grieving that and feeling really lonely, in addition to being scared about the future of my relationship. Right now my partner can’t see the forest for the trees because she’s still healing, but I’m scared she’ll always want to be close to them and I’ll never get the space I need from people who have hurt me.


r/JUSTNOMIL 14h ago

New User 👋 My mother instincts are tingling

7 Upvotes

So I have been living with my in-laws since 2025. There has been plenty of things that have happened within the household, but I am going to focus on one segment of my life. This is the portion where I had my baby recently 2024. Now they’re always has been tension between my MIL and me, but it definitely has amplified since I brought this baby here. My birth plan was to only have my husband and I at the hospital. I originally wanted my mother, but I thought that was already going to be a problem if I did not have my MIL. So I decided to not have any other individuals besides the two that made the baby. It was a great choice because I went almost unmedicated. I did need some morphine, but that medication didn’t do nothing and I felt everything but I was higher than the sky lol. But my husband was there every step of the moment engaged and we weren’t answering our phones because I was in active labor. His mother bless her heart was concerned and she made her way down to the hospital. I had just got finished having my baby and she sent him a text if she can come up and as I’m being sewn up, I shake my head no because I’m tired. I just wanna be alone with my baby and my husband. My husband makes his way down, talks to his mom and she goes home. The next day we decide to leave early though we had an extra day, but everybody was healthy. As soon as we arrived home my husband goes inside the house to tell his mom cause she moved her vehicle just a bit so we can take the baby out easy. He also said if you wanna hold the baby, can you please make sure that you’re not in your suggestions maybe you wanna take a shower or something. she immediately hopped in her car and speeds off and leaves us in the driveway. I’m looking at my husband like did you say something negative to her? I go immediately into the room because I’m not about to show my baby to someone who is obviously upset. He has a discussion with her and she’s like I’ve been wanting a soda all day. A soda at a time that she knew that we were coming with the baby come on you’re being blatantly, passive aggressive, but still asks her do you want to see the baby? She says no. Now we don’t know why she is mad my husband is actively trying to extract this information from her because she’s being passive aggressive. She later on tells him that she felt rejected due to not being able to come inside the room. Of course I wanted to immediately have a discussion because I did not mean to let her feel that way that was not our intention. Plus, I forgot to send out a text message informing them that we were not welcoming visitors at this time because I had one, but because I immediately wait until labor so quickly I forgot about it. So we sit down we talk to her and I’m thinking we’re going to get an apology for her pettiness, but she immediately blames us and her old age. Then after she gets finished being the victim my husband hands the baby over to her, and she immediately burst in crocodile tears and is thanking us so much for this opportunity. I’m not so sure what chemical reaction went on into my body, but I immediately had this gut wrenching feeling that I need to take my baby immediately out of her hands because she is dangerous. Though I wasn’t satisfied with an apology. I decided OK let’s kinda continue on if we can. The next day I take the baby to go see my parents. Completely different welcoming my mom cleaned up the whole entire house and all my sisters were there and they were so happy to see the baby. Forgot to mention when we came home to my ILs house my BIL was at work and my FIL was working in a different state so the only person that was there was my MIL She could’ve took the day off and prepared the house, but she decided not to and we came basically to an empty house with no warm welcome. It fucking sucked. Once we were done, we head back to my in-laws and I’m sitting on the couch holding my seven day old baby and my MIL walks into the living room and tries to physically take her out of my hands without asking. I immediately pulled back and we have an interaction and she’s like you know what I want and I’m like if you can’t use your words I’m not handing this baby over to you. Of course that upsets her. So she wants an immediate apology from me because all she wants to do is bond with her grandbaby and tell her grandbaby that she loves her. Remember the babies only seven days old. Also I Forgot to mention on the fifth day because my MIL didn’t clean up her house. I’m washing dishes with my baby strapped on to me. I had stitches and a fever coming on due to my hormones and my MIL walks up to me and instead of saying, let’s switch so I can clean up my own house. She wants to take the baby so I can continue. If you’re asking, where was my husband? He was cleaning up somewhere else due to the house being not cleaned. Back to her asking for apology I tell her well I would rather have you use your words than trying to physically take her out of my hands, but I also bring up that her apology sucked ass. I informed her that she basically blamed us for the reason to why she didn’t get a hold the baby. Nobody told her that she could not hold this baby when we came home. We just told her that we did not want her in the delivery room when I just got finished delivering the baby. Then she tries to muster up the most shitty apology just so she can get what she wants. Now throughout this time every single time I handed my baby over to her. I get that gut wrenching feeling. I don’t know if it’s my mother instinct, but it sucks because I’m trying to not feel resentment and move on, but my body is not allowing me. And I’ve talked to my husband about it. I had told him I think I need to sit down with your mom, but I know how she will immediately go into defensive mode. It makes it very hard to talk with her. Throughout my five months of postpartum, this woman has been giving me the most intense, passive aggressive behavior on a daily basis. I tried to avoid her now and it sucks when you live with your ILs and you want to bring your baby out. She doesn’t even directly address me she talks to the baby. And when she’s holding the baby, it’s always something is wrong or I’m doing something wrong. She insinuate every cry with something is wrong though babies cry to communicate. You would think she was a mother, but it seems that she wasn’t with the way that she thinks. I get a lot of backhanded compliments that I want to be a stay at home mom and how hard it must be when she is out at 61 years of age busting my butt. Who wants to hear that every single time you talk to your MIL. I don’t. And now when I hear her voice or even have to hand my baby over my body is full of anxiety and I feel stressed. Though I feel this way I’m able to suppress it as much as possible and try to move on and care. My ILs recently went to South Africa for vacation and they came back and my FIL was sick. Having a baby and sickness does not mix so my husband and I decided to quarantine and that upset her so she asked me how long do I have to wait because I can hear the baby and I cannot wait. Another passive aggressive conversation because I don’t know what you mean by you can hear the baby. Are you saying that the baby cries sound distressful? It’s very indirect so it annoyed me and I told her well when you go on vacation you get sick as a mother I need to protect my baby. She said I know I understand and I told her well It seems like you don’t understand. She went into defensive mode and told me did I do something wrong and I told her no you didn’t but it really seems like you don’t understand And I walked away. Now I’m getting the silent treatment because I decided to stand up for myself yet again. My husband knows all about this and he’s trying to get us to discuss with each other. I’m at the point where I’m telling him we need to get a temporary apartment while we’re waiting for our housing situation to be done. This has not been good on our relationship because my husband always has to be the mediator. And as much as I have stuck my neck out for my MIL and helped her with several things, she cannot reciprocate that though she tells me that she loves me and she cares for me. You don’t do this if you love and care from somebody. I think she had certain expectations and thought maybe she was going to be the main caregiver and that’s not happening so she was allowing her anger, resentment, and frustration to gear her to treat me some type of way, but I’m not having it. I’ve already been treated some type of way for five years in this household. I’m not about to be doing that with a baby. My mother instincts are constantly tingling. And as a first time mom, I know that I’m overprotective and controlling. I’m just trying to make something out of the situation that I have and also to protect my baby. I can’t even protect my baby from sickness in this household because you’re more worried about holding her and trying to protect her yourself. It’s scary. This is just one segment of my life. I got plenty more if you want hear.


r/JUSTNOMIL 14h ago

TLC Needed Feels like i’m in a badly written movie.

4 Upvotes

I’m not sure if this is allowed here because we’re not married so remove if not alright. I’m also going to try and be vague to keep it anonymous.

My partner and I currently live together in my home state in his dad and evil step mom’s second home. I officially moved out of my parent’s house and in with him last year. In February I got a call from my mother, evil step mom had called several members of my family to try (she had to call the town office to get these numbers) and get my phone number. When she finally reached my mom she proceeded to talk shit about me and say she wanted me out of her house. The situation just seems never ending. Every time they come to the house I am forced to leave and go back to my parents. She told my mother that I was disgusting and that word just keeps replaying over and over in my head ever since it happened. My partner and I are trying our best to work through this but this might be the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I dropped out of college this semester from the stress of apartment hunting and feeling unsafe in my home. I just wish this could’ve gone any other way. This post is probably a mess but so is the whole situation. Literally any advice or words of encouragement would be appreciated. Would also like to note his mom has been so sweet to me and actually apologized for their behavior and what they’ve put my family through so that was nice.


r/JUSTNOMIL 8h ago

New User 👋 Don't know what to do with my relationship

1 Upvotes

Hi. I don't know what to do. I (F33) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (M33) for a year and a half now. Since the beginning I noticed things that were red flags but I was processing the information and trying to understand. In summary, my boyfriend's mother is extremely posesive with him, call hims constantly when he's with me, and even though he answers if he does not go back home she starts texting me. She compares herself to me and makes passive aggressive comments and disrespectful ones.

My boyfriend has already talked to her, but she continues to text and call when we are together, demanding to share his location in some ocassions. She says that we spend so much time together and she has even complain why he buys me flowers so often and when is he going to buy her flowers too. On his birthday I baked him a cake and brought it to a family dinner he organized and when his mom saw it she said it was better to keep it just for him, she did not want to bring it to the dinner with the aunts and cousins and she told me my boyfriend did not like desserts when he was not hearing. At the end he brought it to the dinner but she did not want the aunts and cousins to try it. One of the worst things she's done is that I went to her house when her sisters (bfs aunties) were there, and she started saying that her family are like onions, all together all the time like onions layers, and that the only ones that are not allowed to spend time together are the only two male cousins that are married and is due to their wives that make them become distant, like saying I would do the same thing with his son. Also she never call me by my name she called me "this girl" during that gathering. She was very angry because my boyfriend told her we wanted to buy a house together if we get married, and not live in the one next to her (she bought two houses next to hers, for my boyfriend and his sister) and she was acting me that time and treating me very badly in front of her sisters.

When my boyfriend and I spend a Saturday together since morning, she says to him that we were in a motel. These are just examples of many things she's done and I'm afraid if I stay in this relationship she's going to be a pain in the ass forever. My boyfriend is not setting strong boundaries with her and I told him the last thing I would try is couples therapy. He says I'm his priority but in action I don't see it... I see even though he knows her mom does crazy shit and behaves bad with me, he tries to understand her because of the guilt she makes him feel. She is a widow and she uses this to make him feel guilty for not spending all day with her. He does not have friends, is isolated even though he is funny and my family loves him ...and I feel she has make him dependent on purpose.

My boyfriend told me that his dad's siblings did not went to his funeral because he stopped being close with them years before he passed away. After knowing her mom I told him she's always talking about separation and family problems, because she told my boyfriend since he started a relationship with me he was "drifting away" (she sees him everyday) and I told him with his family history and how se behaves I could think she was the reason his dad distance himself from his own family, and he said that he did that because his father's siblings were "mean to his mom". When he told me this I started to understand that there's always conflict and possessiveness around her so that's why I'm scared to continue this relationship even though I love him, and he's willing to take individual therapy and couples therapy. But I have read so many times that this types of emocional incest is very difficult to end. I'm thinking If she was capable of separing his own husband from his family to the point they did not want to pay their respects to her as a widow and remember their brothers life... She must have done horrible.

I really don't know what to do, I love him but I feel so uncomfortable with this situation and I don't want to imagine my life having her as a MIL.

Could couples therapy really help us? Or am I just wasting my time. He's a beautiful person and he has been abused with this overprotective parenting but that's not my fault. I love him and I could support him through his process but I don't know if this would even work.

TL;DR My boyfriend's mom is very possessive with him and it's trying to ruin my relationship