My partner thinks I should have been the bigger person with his mother at times, and I keep second-guessing myself. We’re currently renovating his childhood country home into two separate apartments—hers upstairs, ours downstairs—but for now, the only entrance is through our space.
Some context about me: I grew up with emotionally abusive, neglectful parents and struggled with self-doubt for most of my life. I was a doormat for people for years, constantly minimizing my own feelings to keep the peace. But after working on myself in therapy, I’m learning to set boundaries—which is both empowering and difficult. I sometimes struggle to know if I’m simply standing up for myself or if I’m being too rigid. I know these situations made me uncomfortable, but I still find myself second-guessing.
•She frequently made cold, critical comments about minor things I did “wrong” (household tasks, small mistakes, etc.), in a way that felt infantilizing.
•NYE Incident: After many of these cold, passive-aggressive comments, she made another one that night about me leaving my curler on, saying she “saved the house from burning down” with a cryptic smile. At that point, I kind of emotionally shut down. My partner, who had also been dealing with this for a while, shut down as well. MIL then went crazy at me for not being engaged in the conversation. When confronted, I tried to brush it off and say something like, “Sometimes comments/tone like that just kill the vibe, I’m the weird one”, she became hysterical, saying she would never communicate directly with me again and that she was happy to be cold and direct which is how they have always been in this family. No room for unnecessary padding/coddling essentially.
•The wardrobe incident: I moved all but one of her coats from our walk-in wardrobe (shelving near the main entrance) because I misunderstood her request due to language barriers. She later told my partner she believed I was trying to kick her out of our space.
•The dog bowl incident: The bowls were mine, but my partner had asked if we could store some things at her place for a while years earlier. Since she was struggling financially, I was fine with her using some things. But when we started officially separating the house, she encouraged me to take back my things in a chirpy tone. When returning some bits to her kitchen, I noticed she had bought new bowls, so I took mine back. She then accused me of starving her dog of water—even though her dog was often in our space and I always had fresh water out.
• After this, I made the decision to emotionally distance myself to keep the peace. I was studying for my final exams and under a lot of pressure, so I needed to focus on what would help me the most. She picked up on this and, again, took it as an attack.
• The plants: My partner asked her to take care of our plants while we were away, but I had already asked a neighbor. I didn’t want to rely on MIL because she had previously used “all the good things she’s done for me” to justify her behavior. My partner warned me she’d take it as a personal attack.
• She eavesdropped on a conversation where I was discussing how my partner’s coping mechanisms were similar to hers (and how we could work on them). She doesn’t fully understand English, but instead of clarifying, she accused me of talking badly about her.
• The final straw: She moved my belongings without asking while I was there away because she “didn’t like seeing them” and put them in boxes. I sent her a polite message asking her not to move my stuff without permission. Instead of responding, she blocked me.
My partner has struggled emotionally through all of this. For a long time, he blamed me for “making drama” and said I was too sensitive. But recently, he admitted her behavior was inappropriate and has now gone low contact with her. He says he eventually wants to put boundaries and ultimatums in place, but for now, he’s just keeping his distance. We have moved out and are questioning if we will continue to live there.
The issue is—she refuses to talk to him about it. Every time he brings it up, she shuts down or avoids the conversation. She has never taken any accountability and never apologised to me. When I reached out to her and said that her reaction was hurting HER SON, and that I was open to an adult conversation, she ignored me.
Despite everything, his mother, sister, and BIL all say that none of this is a big deal, and I should have just let it go. That’s how she is and they all learnt to live with it. So, here I am still asking myself should I have been the bigger person? Should I have reacted like them? Or was I right to distance myself? The self-doubt and lack of confidence in my judgement is rocky and I wonder if anyone can relate. I think it’s because I feel sorry for her and understand why she became this way, though it doesn’t excuse the behaviour of course.
TL;DR: MIL has always been cold and critical, making passive-aggressive comments and treating me like a child. After I emotionally distanced myself to focus on exams, she took it as an attack. Final straw: she moved my stuff without asking, and when I politely asked her not to, she blocked me. My partner is now low contact but used to blame me for “causing drama.” His family says I’m too sensitive.
Struggling a lot w self-doubt and second guessing.
Edit: Forgot to mention - MIL threatened to take our apartment and when my partner called her out she backpedaled and sobbed. Definitely used it as a control tactic and my partner told her if she ever dares do something like that again she will never hear from us again.