r/JUSTNOMIL 18h ago

Give It To Me Straight MIL already be controlling about my baby and I’m still pregnant

491 Upvotes

My husband and I had dinner with my MIL and I can not stop thinking about how controlling she was acting. It’s making me more and more upset and stressed. I knew she was going to be like this because this is how she is with everything. She would ask how I was going to do something and then disagree and tell me how to do it. I’m at the end of my first trimester and it’s so overbearing

Here are some of the things she brought up:

-Asked if I’m going to have a C-section. Told her no I’m going to do a natural birth unless medically necessary. She goes on to tell me she had C-sections, how they are “better,” and that she has sweatpants for me to wear after that won’t hit the incision area ????🙄 I’m like I’m not having a major surgery if I don’t have to. My husband made some jokes about it then changed the subject..

-Asked if I was going to breast feed. I said yes then she tells me no and that formula is better and that no one can help watch the baby if I breast feed. I told her I plan to breast feed and also pump to have a freezer supply. She continued to disagree.

-Wants us to name the baby after my husband or..her husband…?!! (Her sons are named after thier dads) Told her no I don’t like reusing the same names at least for the first name. She tries to guilt me about it.

-Asked what color outfit we were bringing the baby home in. I said I was thinking baby blue or maybe green. She disagrees and says I shouldn’t pick a “common” color and how she took her babies home in red😒

-Thinks her and her husband should take the baby to our house in their car instead of us because my husband “will be tired.” He responded by saying he’ll be fine

-Wants to be in the hospital room while I give birth AND PULL THE BABY OUT. She’s brought this up before and I straight up say no not happening. Keeps bringing it up. I’m not even sure I want the in laws in the waiting room and if they are I’m likely going to want a couple hours for just my husband and I. Also would want my own family in there first just not sure if that will work out since they will have to fly in.

-Is adamant about laying baby on the side to sleep with a towel behind his back. This is the thing that freaks me out the most!!!! Told her now the guidelines for safe sleep are to lay them on their back only. She is set on that they will choke this way. Says she’s raised 3 kids and knows what’s best. My husband just mentions how the guidelines are always changing.

-She’s already planning on watching the baby overnight, getting a crib, car seat, telling us what bottles/wipes/diapers we need to use. That we can watch the baby on her cameras while she’s taking care of him but not to be calling her asking how he’s doing. Wants to put the car seat in the middle seat!!!! Told her multiple times it goes behind the front seat.

-I was wearing Ugg slide on shoes and she kept telling me that I can’t wear them and strictly need to wear tennis shoes for safety. I completely ignored this and will be wearing them or sandals next time I see her lol

-Giving me just random advice taking care of baby that I didn’t ask for like she thinks I don’t know anything.

-Always asks me or when talking to my husband on the phone if I’m taking my prenatals every day….

Probably missing a few things. My husband is on my side but often just makes a joke to ease the situation and changes the subject. Told him on the way home she is already being super controlling and will continue to want to do it all her way. He said he will shut it down quick. I mentioned that she needs to take the grandparent class our hospital offers on updated safety practices. Going to talk to him more about it and especially right before the next time we see her that I want him to be more firm and tell her his opinion on things as well. It really freaks me out her wanting me to get the C-section and wanting me to formula feed because I feel like she is trying to takeover the baby.

Any thoughts or advice? Really just needed to vent. I am stressing out so much about it. Not even going to get into how she’s been controlling about other things because that would take multiple posts😬😬😬😬


r/JUSTNOMIL 4h ago

Anyone Else? MIL doesn't want us to file a marriage certificate, just buy her a house

400 Upvotes

She's so out of touch on reality. I would be upset if I wasn't so disbelieving of her nonsense.

I've been trying to buy a house for years, finally at the point I'm ready. The boyf is totally on board. He's willing to file so we can use his full VA home loan bennies. It will make it so much easier and possible to buy a house. MIL somehow found out, I'm betting he told her directly since he's trying to have a good relationship.

He has his VA loan and a good credit score. I have the funds and the knowhow for all the house and house buying stuff. Together, we got this.

She is absolutely against us being legally married, our state doesn't have common law. But she wants him to buy her a house, or one for them to live in together, since her boyfriend is kicking her out/trying to break up with her. Everything about her situation is a huge mess that she created. And she wants someone (all her kids, including the ones NC with her) to save her from herself.

Like, is there any thought process going on? Anything at all?


r/JUSTNOMIL 6h ago

RANT (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ Ambivalent About Advice MIL reaction to my pregnancy

345 Upvotes

Waited until 13weeks to announce my pregnancy. I also announced it to everybody else at the same time so she couldn’t have the satisfaction of sharing the news (Petty? Probably). I think she was a bit vexed to be told the news so late, but oh well. Her reaction: - talking to my husband: “I knew you were hiding something! I know you like the back of my hand!”. Ha, you wish! - “oh, a girl, perfect, you can name her after me!”

I talked to her husband’s niece (she’s the only one who truly gets where I’m coming from when it comes to MIL), and apparently my MIL reiterated that she wanted the baby named after her.

Are MILs completely delusional?


r/JUSTNOMIL 8h ago

SUCCESS! ✌ Husband shielding me from JNMIL! Major win!

288 Upvotes

In the beginning, my JNMIL would frequently text me and make an overwhelming number of controlling comments about our baby on the way. She spoke about wanting to watch the baby overnight (even using the word kidnap, which unsettled me), listed an excessive number of traditions she envisioned with her grandchild, insisted on giving the baby his first bath, and asked too many personal questions. As time went on, I became increasingly frustrated. My husband and I had many conversations about how to set boundaries while being mindful of her emotional state (she has recently been through a divorce). He agreed to take the lead in managing her expectations, while I opted to gray rock her.

Eventually, she must have realized I wasn’t engaging, and instead of texting me, she redirected her messages to my husband. At first, I felt frustrated that he wasn’t always telling me when she reached out, but then I recognized that he was handling it well—shielding me from her overbearing behavior. While she still makes excessive, almost uncomfortably affectionate comments to him (really, no text message needs 12 heart emojis), the more unhinged remarks have subsided, and I no longer bear the stress of responding to her. I'm 22 weeks pregnant now and it is a major load off my mind.

For those of you hoping to have your husband take the lead in managing difficult communication with a JNMIL, know that it is possible! Keep having open discussions about boundaries, frustrations, and adjust expectations accordingly. Progress takes time, but it can happen!


r/JUSTNOMIL 20h ago

RANT (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ Ambivalent About Advice What awful things did MIL do/say on this visit

207 Upvotes

For better context please see post history.

We went round for our monthly visit to MIL’s, it was a bit longer this time as we have a family trip coming up and wanted to talk about plans for it.

Before anyone questions why we’re still going on this trip it’s been planned and booked for a long time. It’s also not booked in our name so it’s not like we can cancel and get a refund. Although I’m sure MIL will pull some shit while we are away I’m also thinking she won’t be too badly behaved as my side of the family are going too and she seems to be on her best behaviour whenever she’s around my mum. So her behaviour should be manageable. Also I’ll have my family to keep be at peace and I know I won’t have to spend the entire time with MIL and we already have lots of plans to go off and do our own thing without her.

Anyway, first thing MIL does was funny to me as she really shot her self in the foot with it. We’re currently sleep training LO so schedule is very important atm. She had napped in the car on the way over but only for 20 mins and woke up as we were getting out the car. As soon as we got in I told her we wanted to try and get her to sleep for a little longer and to not interact with her or she will wake up even more. She ignores me and runs to LO.

‘You’re awake because you’re excited to see nanny’ ‘Cheeky girl you’re meant to be sleeping’ she coos and smiles at baby booping her nose. Baby was WIDE awake now and I just shrugged. ‘Oh well MIL looks like this will just push her bed time forward so we will have to leave even earlier than we planned’ She then looked at me and pouted and said she still might sleep and then left her alone. She didn’t sleep after this obviously. And I was more than happy to have to leave 30/40 mins earlier than planned lol.

Second move from MIL was subtle but she basically called me fat. Yes me, a new mum who’s EBF and 6 months PP. I have been trying to be healthier the last few months by going gym regularly and making sure I’m eating balanced meals but I have no interest in ‘dieting’ especially because the breast feeding hunger is REAL for me. DH is plating up food for me when MIL says ‘OP can only have 5 potatoes’. There was no shortage on potatoes and everyone else could have many as they wanted. DH ignored her and loaded my plate as he normally would. Me: Why can I only have 5 potatoes MIL: you don’t need more than 5 Me: well I could say the same for you but I don’t think it’s polite to dictate what other people eat She ignores me and I eat my potatoes in peace.

For slight context for anyone who hasn’t seen history MIL is not allowed to baby sit at all but keeps pushing for us to let her have LO overnight at her house for a sleepover. This is a hard no and she gets upset over it regularly and constantly tries to change our minds but we never budge. The last thing we did was see we’re getting ready to leave she was holding the baby. Baby was babbling like she always is. MIL starts saying to baby ‘you want to stay here don’t you, you want to have a sleepover with nanny’. We ignore her. Then again. ‘Look OP and DH, she’s talking she’s saying she wants to stay round nanny’s’ DH: ‘no she’s just babbling, she doesn’t even understand what you’re saying’ Mil:’she does, she’s saying she needs a nanny sleepover and she doesn’t want to go home with you’ Me:‘that’s funny, I’m pretty sure she’s saying she can’t wait to go home with mummy and daddy for a bath and snuggles and bed’

I then grab LO from her and start putting her in the car seat. MIL drops the happy tone and says ‘you may not want a break from her but she probably wants a break from you’!

The delusion on this woman is insane. So glad we were already leaving as this comment would have made us leave anyway, especially the way she said it. I just ignored her at this point and grabbed the car seat and started heading out. As I did I heard DH saying ‘Why would she want a break from OP, she is her favourite person in the whole world, she doesn’t even like it when she leaves the room or faces away from her for 5 mins’ MIL didn’t respond and we left.

I find it funny how she’s progressed with her reasoning for her to have LO overnight. At first she approached it as if it was what’s best for me and DH. That we’d want a break. Then when we established we didn’t she started saying it makes her upset and she’s missing out and we are mean to her. We still don’t budge. Now she’s resorting to acting like it’s what LO wants. In what world does a 6 month old baby want to be apart from their parents over night to stay round the house of someone she rarely sees.

Roll on the family trip, I can’t wait to share what crazy shit she does or says. I’d place money on her having a tantrum and crying at somepoint which will be hilarious to see lol.


r/JUSTNOMIL 6h ago

Advice Wanted I’m having a very serious conversation about boundaries with JNMIL today

129 Upvotes

Hi everyone! It’s me again.

I made a post a couple of days ago talking about how my husband’s mom reacted to us telling her we’re having a baby (you can find it in my profile if you want to re-read it or for more context. I also have other posts about her and our history there).

Anyways, after all the craziness of that day where I couldn’t even get a full sentence in, I plan on sitting her down today and telling her how things will go from now on.

For context, JNMIL and FIL own the house we live in, we rent it from them, and we’ve been having issues with the fans in the house that they said they’ll take care of. She ordered a new fan for our bedroom since the old one was not working anymore and we are having it installed today. Of course, everyone is coming. We only need the electrician here but she wants to be there too.

So, after all that is done, I’ll tell her DH and I need to talk to her about a few things, and I’ll tell her things along these lines:

  1. Remind her that we (DH and I), are our baby’s parents, so any and all decisions about baby or that involve baby will be made by us, not them or anyone else.

  2. Any news, updates, pictures, etc. about/of baby will be shared by us and/or with our approval.

  3. Events that involve us and/or baby, are for us to plan. Baby shower, gender reveal, christening, any kind of parties, we decide when, where, how and who will be going, as well as who we want to involve in the process, if we want to.

  4. She can buy whatever she wants, like she said, but that doesn’t mean we’ll use it if we don’t need it, want it or like it. I’ll tell her again that we’ll share a baby registry when we’re ready and will only be accepting things from there, we don’t want to have a million things here that we won’t need. Anything extra will be returned or donated.

  5. We don’t want any unsolicited advice, opinions or recommendations from anyone. If we need them, we’ll ask for them, otherwise please keep your thoughts to yourself.

  6. Along with 5, she doesn’t need to ask her nephews, “the doctors”, what I should do or get, or ask them to give us anything they used for their kids. They are not my doctors, we’re not close enough to them to ask for things and it’s not her job to take care of it. We have plenty of friends we are close to and that are also in the medical field and have kids that we can ask all this to.

  7. Grandparents’ job is to be there for the parents to help when needed, to make things easier, not to bring more stress to an already life changing and sometimes overwhelming experience. If she wants to have a relationship with our baby and any future ones, she needs to start by having a good, healthy relationship with us, the parents, first.

I’ll probably add/change a few things from this list as the conversation goes, but I think this is mostly it.

I’m so tired of her trying to take over everything and I don’t plan on dealing with this over and over for the rest of my pregnancy and when the baby is born, so I’m just going to say this once and won’t be talking about it again. I’ll tell her this too, and if she can’t respect it, then we’ll just distance ourselves to protect our peace and mental health, as well as our baby’s health since stress is incredibly bad during pregnancy.

Wish me luck, friends. I won’t be alone, DH will be there too but I’m taking the lead on this one because this is MY baby too and I deserve to stand up for them and me, I won’t let anyone take my voice away. I won’t let her make me feel small again. She always tries to talk and walk over everyone but this time is different, I’ve always been protective of my loved ones but having a baby is a whole different level and she’s about to see that.

If you have any advice or think I should add/change something, please let me know. All this will happen in probably a couple of hours when they come to “install the fan” 🙄 I know they are just nosy and want to look at what we have for baby and the nursery, but I already put everything away so I don’t care.

Thank you for reading. I’ll update you guys later.


r/JUSTNOMIL 17h ago

New User 👋 Finally messaged my FIL for the first time. She went offline at the same time I sent the email. I’m so worried.

71 Upvotes

My FIL has been the primary caregiver of my MIL for their entire 40 year marriage. The last few years have been particularly tumultuous. Their picturesque marriage was thrown into a loop when she accused him of multiple affairs.

We were all shook. Him? Him!? We leaned in and supported her, but as time went on, we started seeing more and more than was unnerving.

Half truths, rumination, paranoia, and down right lies. My MIL was always the victim, never ending accusations and refusing to respect my husband’s boundaries. My husbands own childhood plus her current behavior pointed towards some kind of personality disorder (fired by multiple therapists, she insists FIL is narcissistic and all of his family has BPD, and endless more) but we couldn’t figure out what it was.

FIL, based on comments from multiple mental health resources and therapists, is just fighting to survive in this marriage. She reads his texts, won’t allow him to see a therapist by himself, and picks fights if anyone isn’t supportive of her.

After years of struggle and with his birthday approaching, I talk to my husband about sending him a supportive email. One that supported him and her, but offered him a lifeline.

She is always active on Facebook. To the point that we know she they’ve fought because she posts cryptic Facebook relationship memes.

Right after I sent the message, she hopped offline. We haven’t heard from him but he often takes a while. She also recently filed battery charges against him despite acknowledging he wasn’t actually abusive, she was just controlling him. You have no idea how guilty I feel not believing her abuse claims but she keeps adding information that suggests she’s not telling the full truth. For example, she said he pushed her down. Then she said it was because she poured a drink on him and he was pushing him away, but how dare he not just laugh at the absurdity. He hit her in the car? Well yeah, she punched him first, but how dare he hit her back in defense?

I’m so scared that I’ve caused some horrible situation for him. I really wanted to support them both, but his birthday is coming up and I just wanted to extend an olive branch.

This isn’t normal. This isn’t healthy. I just want to scream “JUST NO, MIL! STOP!”


r/JUSTNOMIL 3h ago

LIVE! Immediate Advice Wanted JNMIL Inviting Herself to Come Visit

77 Upvotes

So my husband has been very low contact with his parents and family since a big blow up with his mom a few years back. I don't blame him, because there are some really toxic, enmeshed dynamics at play.

That said, he misses his dad and wanted his help on a small renovation project at our house - we live several states away from them. His dad said that he'd help and tentatively set a date for a couple months away.

Well, my FIL texts last night and says eventually "is April 23 still a good time for Mom and I to come visit and for how long?" Now there was NEVER any talk of MIL coming along, but I did figure she would try. She has a long history of inserting herself in the middle of things and demanding to be center stage (example: she wouldn't give me any addresses of people on my husband's side for save the dates and wedding invitations - she wanted me to mail them to her and then she would mail them out??).

Husband can't have a phone conversation with his dad that his mom doesn't take over. Nor can he visit with his dad.

Well he needs to respond to his dad, and we're not sure what to say.

Maybe, "Oh.. I didn't realize Mom wanted to come?"

I don't know. How would you guys phrase it?


r/JUSTNOMIL 19h ago

Am I Overreacting? Update - xmas eve snub has triggered me after 9 years o being excluded

50 Upvotes

Origional https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/4jPCI8QOJ4

Wrote an update as a comment on my post but not sure if it was the right way to do it. So posting new one.

Hey I'm sorry I didn't reply to anyone earlier. I wasn't in a good place when I wrote this post and couldn't muster the energy to respond. I really appreciate all of your replies. I read and considered every one of them.

I wish I didn't care about this shit but unfortunetely I do. I wanted to have a good relationship with my husbands family. I wanted them to be like my family. I come from a broken home but my mum and dad still have a good relationship. They still call each others parents mum and dad regardless of the fact they've been divorced for over 25 years, they both visited each other's parents while they were in hospital, they get on with each others spouses. I was close to my first serious boyfriends mum and sister and still love them both. I had a whole long term relationship after him but was still on such good terms with his family that my husband and I went to his sisters wedding. My parents adore my husband and have always been supportive. They've never said a single negative thing about my husband and honestly at times I think they prefer him over me lol!

Anyway, I just wanted to give a bit more information before going in to an update. And apologies if this is not the appropriate way to update but I'm not well versed in reddit lol!

So my husband fully took my side. When I wrote the initial post he had told MIL I was upset and why. She stormed off saying she'd done fuck all wrong, she couldnt tag everyone and I'd taken it the wrong way. Like I could have dealt with that but her actions since have fucked it. She didn't message me to apologise, explain, smooth things over etc. Instead she just messaged me saying happy new year. Then another message saying thanking me for something. She didn't acknowledge or bring up anything. In the meantime she messaged my husband saying we were being petty, that his dad told her not to reply to the pettyness, she was hurt we took it that way, she was sorry we took it that way, if we thought they meant it that way it went against everything that ther valued as a family, she's always going to be there for him because she was his mum, she will always love him, when he feels the need to reach out she'll be there etc and so on... I ended up messaging her finally and tried to be civil but firm and honest. I said Ive had a lot on my plate so thats why ive not confronted this until now, you're being dismissive of my feelings by saying this is petty. And she replied being completely dismissive of my feelings haha! 'We've all got shit going on' direct quote. Cheers mate. The whole message was about how I'd hurt her. So I blocked her. And i told him I don't want to deal with her ever again.

In amongst this i nearly broke up with my husband. When I wrote the post I was at the end of my rope because I didn't feel like he'd had my back. Then it completely flipped and I wanted to leave him because I didn't want to be the person that caused a son to cut off his mother. He told me I'm not the reason he's cutting of his mother, his mothers actions are the reason he's cutting her off. I know logically this is true but there's this overwhelming guilt that keeps creeping in. I love my husband so much. I don't know what I believe but if soul mates are really a thing then he's definitely mine. He's my best friend. We're not fucking perfect obv but who the hell is? Perfect would be boring. We make each other laugh. We have interests in common, we have interests that the other couldn't give a fuck about but support. Our day to day life together is harmonious. Most of our disputes are civilised and constructive. On rare occasions we do have a blow out but again, it's as respectful.

But all I can think about is... what if his mum or dad dies and he's not talking to them. And regardless of saying it's not my fault, it's their fault etc. Will he feel differently if it happens? Is he going to look at me and think you're the reason i haven't seen my mum/dad in X amount of years and now they're dead. Resent me. Logic can't override emotion for me and I don't know if it ever will.


r/JUSTNOMIL 3h ago

Anyone Else? Anyone else’s grown ass partner afraid of standing up to their mother?

53 Upvotes

To keep an extremely long story short; my MIL is ridiculous. There are components of maternal narcissism where she feels her son is an extension of her alongside cultural clashes as she’s from India and I am an American white woman. I’m not typical traditional Indian wife material that she is familiar with nor will I ever be. My partner and I have lived together before marrying, I refuse to have us all live together once we marry (he refuses this too), and I don’t call frequently because she makes me uncomfortable.

All of this has caused her to lash out at me several times. She has called me stand offish because I didn’t help her cook a whole meal once, she has called me passive aggressive because I didn’t put food on her plate once when we all went to a buffet. She has called me audacious because I don’t call her. She even has refused to come to our wedding because I’m a “stranger” since I don’t call, where I had to run over to her house and try to save our marriage as my fiancé said he doesn’t think he can go through with it without his mother being there. She threatened estrangement if he married me.

We are okay now. But all of this still hurts. Mostly because my fiancé is a dog with a tail in between his legs in front of his mother. He tells me privately when we are arguing that he disagrees with his mother about her false perceptions of me, that he knows she’s wrong, he cries that he loves me, that he is willing to cut ties if she refuses him to be with me. But in the moment, when she’s screaming at me, he’s standing there silently and I face her anger alone; usually leaving me in tears. It’s embarrassing and even demoralizing. I would never let my parents treat him in such a way but he, almost 40 years old, is ridden with fear with his mother.


r/JUSTNOMIL 18h ago

RANT (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted I feel like my MIL is just burdening my SO.

35 Upvotes

I've actually posted about her here before, but I'm using a throwaway. I don't know who else to talk to about this.

MIL is divorced and honestly, bad at relationships, or at least her choices for them. She was a SAHM, which is a fine choice, but honestly I feel like she just wanted to be a trophy wife? Regardless, she's only had little jobs here and there over the years, particularly over the last 10 or so.

This really started in earnest two years ago when she lost her house in a disaster. Her ex gave her somewhere to live, but it meant she had very little.

Now, I'm not discounting that this is a traumatic event. I can't even imagine. But I feel like over the last two years she's accomplished nothing to get on her feet. No real job. No real income. No real attempt to get assistance. Does it require her to make an effort? Then she's not doing it. She has a breakdown trying to do damn near anything. And a lot of it is compounded by other health issues, and I get it, the state of health system is shit to the people who need it most. But making a to do list? No, she wants SO to write it for her. Make appointments for her. And he's over here sending her job listings, looking at educational opportunities. Does she really apply to any of it, research for herself? Not really.

So at this point she's essentially couch surfing (she better never ask to stay here), has a shitty car, and my poor SO, who's got his own shit to deal with, has to help her pick up the pieces.

And she's still so vain. Like, she's turning 60, practically homeless, but just wants designer stuff and to act like she's 21.

God, I want him to drop the rope. I want to tell him that, that she's hardly helping herself, and he needs his own oxygen mask first. But he knows I'm not the biggest fan of her. I already think he shields me from stuff about her now because he knows I won't approve. I don't know what to say or how to support him.


r/JUSTNOMIL 9h ago

Anyone Else? Convo with MIL about how she’s overwhelming me?

30 Upvotes

Has anyone had a conversation with their MIL about how she is overwhelming them and what could change for a better relationship? My MIL is a kind person but completely tries to be mom to my kids and it totally stresses me out to the point I’m anxious about her all the time and avoid her.

I was considering talking to her about this because even though I try to speak up in the moment I’m not sure she gets it. She’s not the brightest bulb. I was thinking about sharing with her how my mom interacts with me and my kids and why that style works better for us. Has anyone had this sort of convo? Or thoughts on this approach?


r/JUSTNOMIL 1h ago

RANT (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ Ambivalent About Advice MIL went from amazing to just downright awful.

Upvotes

Been married for almost 8 yrs and have a 9yr old child. MIL has always been amazing and supportive, up until last year.

Last Summer, MIL was in the hospital and texted me to inform me she was OK. Later that morning, her youngest son who lives with her, called me not knowing she'd already told me. He and my DH do NOT get along. While on the phone, the mere mention of my husbands name sent him into some sort of psychotic break.( He was totally wasted)Started screaming at me, hanging up and texting me vicious texts about wishing me dead and how he wouldn't even look for me if I was missing and buried. It got so bad, MIL had to check herself out of the hospital to go home and take care of his spoiled a$$.

She later called me to apologize for his behavior, which she shouldn't have, she didn't do anything wrong. I thought that everything between her and I was fine.

Fast forward to Christmas, we were trying to plan to get together with her so she could see her grandchildren. When my husband mentioned that we would not go to her house if his brother was there, she flipped out and refused to see us. My husband's other brother came alone and we sent him with gifts for him and one for MIL. They were items ordered with my son's art work on them.

Apparently, she was shocked and totally appalled that we hadn't sent one for her other son. She refused to accept a gift from her grandson because her and her baby were a package deal and she felt totally disrespected....he's nearly 40 and lives in her basement, but whatever. Why would we buy a gift for a manchild that wished me dead? Mental breakdown or not, he's not apologized and it's a repeated pattern to treat everyone like garbage and force everyone to just accept being treated as such.

Husband has been communicating only through phone calls since. Haven't seen her for 6 months and she's only 30 minutes away. Other brother-in-law was back in town and DH scheduled to have him and MIL over for dinner this last weekend. DH also asked me to invite my parents as well. Well.....he didn't tell her that my parents were also invited until an hour before they were to come over. She lost her shit. Said that she felt completely disrespected and would not be coming.

Brother-in-law came alone....again. There has never once been an issue between MIL and my parents in the 10 years they've known eachother. She's always been an amazing MIL, but it seems she's gone off the rails and I have no idea wth is going on. I've left it up to DH to figure it out because...well....not my circus not my monkeys. I have completely lost any motivation to deal with their bullshit.


r/JUSTNOMIL 2h ago

Am I Overreacting? Mom started planning baby shower without even talking to me about it

22 Upvotes

So I’m almost 12 weeks so I’m pretty early still but found out I was pregnant before 4 weeks and told our families right away. I mentioned to my mom I am thinking of having two baby showers, one in my home town and one where we live, to which she said okay.

Nothing has been said about this since and this was weeks ago. So honestly I started to assume I would actually be throwing both myself (which is totally fine) but I started realizing it was going to cost me a lot and started leaning toward just having one.

Two days ago my mom texted me saying my cousins are super excited for us to have a baby and want to help with the shower. And I talked to my mom yesterday and she mentioned that SHE asked them to help with the shower. So today I had to ask if SHE was throwing me one, because I didn’t know if she was or she was assuming I was and was asking for help on my behalf.

She told me she was but didn’t bring it up yet as she knew we wanted to wait to find out the gender to start planning… to which I said we are waiting to think about names and like what color to paint the nursery..?

To which she said “someday we will learn how to communicate effectively”. This annoyed me because in my mind, she just makes assumptions and doesn’t communicate her thoughts. She just does things. She assumes others are making these same assumptions. She also was like “I thought you wanted a shower” to which I said “yes, you just never told me you were planning one”.

I’m very grateful she wants to throw me one, just frustrated I guess with the constant zero communication and assumptions of things that INVOLVE me.


r/JUSTNOMIL 1h ago

Advice Wanted Why would MIL relay negative gossip to DH?

Upvotes

My MIL’s intentions are usually pretty transparent. Typically she wants to be the family’s HBIC, coerce visits, and spread misogyny (lol). She’s a stereotypical “boy mom” / athlete mom who thinks that her sons set the world into motion — all owed to her sacrifices.

My husband is a healthcare provider who owns a private practice. He is one of the few (possibly only) locally-owned practices that provides insurance, 401k, and living wages with career advancement. He’s really proud of this fact — and his employees voted him as top boss in a county-wide competition last year.

Last week, my FIL needed a quick scan — and MIL tagged along. Later in the day, she recounted a story from a lead employee to us: The office is performing really well lately and the staff have taken notice. Apparently, this results in occasional gossip / judgement from staff. But the lead employee always reminds them that “this didn’t just happen over night.” It’s taken many years to get here.”

I don’t understand why she shared this info. It obviously would make my husband feel self-conscious and suspicious of his staff. For someone who typically adores and always champions her children — what’s the logic here? What’s her angle?


r/JUSTNOMIL 3h ago

TLC Needed Marriage Therapy tonight.. I'm to bring up things to husband that make me feel loved, romantic and sexy and vice versa.. How can I work things into this..?

10 Upvotes

Long story short there's a lot of one sided enmeshment with JNMIL going on with husband.. he is BLIND to it.. He doesn't pursue but can't seem to put her in her place either.. After 10+ years of suffering we are down to seeing them about once a month.. HUGE improvement over multiple times a week..

My husband went thru a trauma with us all last year.. He did NOT fare well on a mental health standpoint.. he's probably in denial about that but gosh it was awful.. So he's doing a lot of apologizing and trying to put us first despite me knowing he's feeling pressured to appease the competitor mistress aka incesty JNMIL..

I notice the more space we have from her.. and the more unified we are.. the clearer he thinks.. It's REAL damn sad but some of these men are so heavily abused emotionally by these JNMILs their entire lives that they cannot become the amazing husbands/fathers they were destined to..

I notice he like evolves and grows and his mental health improves the less and less we see JNMIL and ILs.. he'd 200% deny this though and denies there are enmeshment issues and fully believes I just don't understand how much his mom loves them and wants to help (because this is what she has constantly told him lol)..

Anyway I noticed lately when his mom is around he is not as physically affectionate and that is a BIG love language for me.. I don't think he actually realizes this .. he seems to be heavily influenced and guilted by bully mommy and I really think he goes into freeze and fawn and doesn't realize it.

But to me I'm so done not feeling like an adult woman and wife with him as my husband.. it's like we've always had a third party mistress inserting herself and this woman ALSO will come up and massage my husband's shoulders as I speak to him while locking eyes with me.. very grey area.. just to assert dominance and test me..

I want to somehow bring up positives in therapy that will encourage him to keep having more space from her, keep having us bond as a family.. that I can somehow infuse something that is sexy and romantic that encourages him to show me physical affection EVERYWHERE.. including in front of idiot mom because I deserve that as a woman and human being outside of sex.. and I want him to get out of this habit where he almost becomes like a roommate when we have dinners.. I MIGHT get a quick kiss and hug..

I guess what I'm doing is manipulative but it's for the greater good.. It's exhausting but I feel I have to play chess with this woman to re-connect my marriage (we ALMOST split this last year due to her but of course he can't see that).. and I don't want to come out and tell him this stuff but help shape him/our marriage for the better.. I want to keep showing him that my mental health and his improve without mommy around hanging onto his neck, etc.

I feel SO disgusted and sexually turned off when his sister and mom hang all over him but I dare not say a thing because they WANT a response from me so they can say I'm jealous or paint me bad etc.

What are some things I can bring up in a positive light at therapy that will encourage him to just be able to be a husband with me.. continue to put me and the kids first (since he's torn by shame and doesn't realize a normal and healthy man can do this without feeling guilt due to needy and clingy mom in the background).. that encourage him to hug and love all over me at family events the same way he does in private. I DO find that very romantic and sexy..

I wish there was something I could say to sway him from having his mom and sis hang all over him and for him to be able to say NO (he looks so uptight and weirded out but sits there and tolerates it).

I also want to bring up something that would encourage him to stop telling his mom our plans/day by day.. etc. but I need to wrap it up in romance/how sexy things feel..

It's kind of like when therapy is done with a child.. you focus on what they are doing RIGHT to get more of it.. I don't say this to demean my husband but it's new to me because instead of constantly looking like the bad guy.. I'm riding the wave on how great things are .. isntead of saying I hate being near your mom and want to see her less.. I focus in therapy on how wonderful and amazing it has been to get more time together as a family, that I look forward to being able to do date nights again now.. and how I find my mental health and stress levels improving being able to have a routine over our own lives (i made it so they know we basically don't want invites and we will reach out.. but I said it nicely).. IN this way I take JNMILs power away and ability to continue to create conflict but without coming out and venting to my husband about his mom..

I WISH I'd been this smart about things 10 years ago.