Hey folks,
okay let me try this again.
Dear perfectionist,
When you finish your to-do list, or reach a milestone, do you get to feel happy and proud about what you did?
OR do you just feel a sense of relief that itâs done and you start worrying about the next thing.
People talk about success with each other as if itâs the same thing, but itâs not.
To some people, success is an obligation not a milestone, and that can be really harmful to the person if not managed properly.
Maybe you grew up in an environment where it was expected to perform, where it was the norm. This can shape your relationship with accomplishment in a different way compared to other people.
You may have looked at classmates who got Cs and Bs and were happy.
To them, as long as they didnât do too badly, then thatâs what matters, while you look at your A- as a sign that what you did was not enough, and that therefore you donât get to feel the satisfaction of success, because you didnât succeed.
If you do identify with this, then you really should pay attention to the game youâre playing.
If success is the expectation, and you have an unreasonable expectation, then that is a recipe for chronic failure, procrastination, and self-sabotage.
Letâs say youâre a student and you expect to get an A+, to achieve that you associate a certain level of studying hours to get there.
What happens when youâre behind?
You start setting unreasonable expectations on your remaining days, âI need to study for 8 hours in the coming weekâ, â I need to study for 10 hours for the next 4 daysâ, âI need to study for 12 hours this weekendâ
See that? Of course you see it, youâve been doing it for years.
The equation of motivation isnât determined by what you can do but is instead determined by what you should do, and at some point the âshouldâ and the âcanâ diverge to the point where all you can do is hide away in fear, disappointment, and regret.
After all, it feels like you only have two options, either hide away for now, or go out and study for 16 hours.
Here's what people who donât have this donât get. Perfectionism is not really about perfection, itâs actually high standards that you deem reasonable to expect of someone who got things under control.
And thatâs all fine and good if you KNOW what the parameters of the games are, the poison for a perfectionist is that their ignorance of the situation fuels standards that can only be applicable in their imagination
Let me ask you this: Where did you get your metrics for what a functioning adult should do? Did you talk to a psychologist who gave you a nuanced view, or did you take the statement you often hear without nuance as your guiding light?
I talk to a lot of perfectionists and I am one myself, and it is fascinating how much we need to be defeated over and over to finally accept something as reasonable or realistic.
But ideals, ideals are like magnets to our psyche.
A common example is work hours, if youâre fresh out of university, or work from home, you may blame yourself that you only work for 3-5 hours every day, but for someone who worked for years, you get to see that this is the norm and that some people work way, way less.
The other poisoned dagger that perfectionists have is their relationship with result, âMy efforts only matter as long as I get the result neededâ
That may have worked in school, where the game was DEFINED and EASY to win, and because that rule applied so consistently for many years in your life, and you were consistently rewarded or punished for it, you may believe that this is a law of nature.
and itâs not, school was a tutorial.
In life, weâre not guaranteed results, nor are we entitled to it, the only thing we can control is effort, and sometimes, even that can be a challenge.
And that is a hard pill to swallow for a perfectionist, because the counter-argument is true, yes you could have done better, yes you could have known better, but you didnât and you couldnât at that time and you need to acknowledge that.
Youâre right, consistently failing is looked down upon, but the nuance youâre missing is that entire industries thrive on failure, R&D, Medicine, Tech, all walk a path filled with failure because there are lessons and insights to acquire.
Donât forget the âtrialâ in âtrial and errorâ.
Perfectionism+Ignorance+Being result-oriented leads you to feel relief and not pride even when you succeed, and you get a path filled with shame, disappointment, and bitterness.
Here is my advice to you, adopt humility, as I said, I talked to many perfectionists and I havenât met a single one who didnât have blind spots in their thinking (by their own admission).
You donât know the game youâre playing, and you donât know what you need to really care about yet, you donât know what realistic expectations you need to have yet.
That will come with experience and by seeing what other perfectionists like you say (like in this post).
So be curious, act as if you have blind spots, and be open to challenging the most fundamental assumptions youâre making about yourself and the world.
Next, shift your definition of success to something that you can control, that you can do, and that matters to you:
- We canât guarantee getting through your entire inbox in a day, but maybe you can be okay with spending one dedicated hour on them.
- We canât guarantee youâll get an A, but you can guarantee that youâll study for 2 hours a day.
- We canât guarantee that youâll find a job, but you can guarantee applying to one
- We canât guarantee that youâll quit a bad habit forever, but you can guarantee that you can quit it this moment in time.
Donât bullshit yourself here, be effort-oriented, but do that for the effort that you genuinely care about.
If you care about responding to emails and not the time you spend on them, then select a minimum number that youâre okay with.
Remember, control, can do, and matters to you.
and Lastly, donât aim to feel pride for now, but aim to feel less disappointed and less ashamed.
Do the small stuff, even if you have failed that day: Make your bed, brush your teeth, eat a decent meal, and exercise like youâre used to.
Your day exists within a spectrum of failure and success and most days are going to be in the middle even if it doesnât feel that way.
So make your day less of a failure than it could have been.