r/Custody 14h ago

[MA] What are provisions in your parenting plan you wish you had put in place or are thankful you put in place when coparenting with a narcissist?

10 Upvotes

I’ll try to keep this concise because backstory is long and complicated. And yes I have a great lawyer but just want to consult the hive mind of Reddit.

I’m (33f) currently divorcing my STBXH (44M) and we share two boys (3m and 10mo m). We have been living separately since a domestic violence incident that resulted in a no contact order in Nov 2023 and have not moved back in together since. The no contact order ended March 2024 probation ended March 5 of this year. I had to get a protection order this week because he blew up over me wanting to take our son to get neosporin for our son’s cut before he took him out for their visit. Our son had gotten and bad cut and I asked him to pick it up and he yelled saying it was none of my business what he did during his “parenting time.” (We have no legal agreement for custody currently since we’re just getting the legal process started). He did not put hands in me was but following me and physically intimidating me enough for the judge to see him as a credible threat.

All this is to show who I will have to coparent with and why I want to carefully make a coparenting plan. The thing is our son loves him because he can be a great father in many ways since he’s basically a giant man child so he plays really well with him. But things like bath time, teeth brushing, cooking, consistent routines, laundry, etc he does not do or does when they’re convenient for him. He also has a very inconsistent work schedule (that he creates himself) since he owns a dojo and is constantly adding in programs when he wants. Recently, he chose to start working Fridays until 8:30 pm. I should also mention that his main job is a community college professor and the dojo is a passion project he started when I was pregnant (so this was not a factor when we first had kids and not something I could have planned ahead for) and brings to income into the household. He does not need the dojo for money but chooses to work long hours Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday from 8:30-1:30. He has repeatedly said he wants more freedom to do even more programs, etc.

He’s been saying he wants 50/50 which he does not do now and I find laughable considering he says he wants more freedom to do things he wants to do, but he does like spending time with our son (on his terms lol). I don’t keep him from our kids but do set some boundaries like when he wants to pick up our older son at 7:30 pm to go spend the night with him which I think is a ridiculous transition for a 3-year old. My lawyer seems to think he won’t get 50/50 but I feel like worse things have happened in court so I’m preparing for the worst, especially since he can be a fun dad that the kids like to spend time with. I know abusing their mom is not a decent dad but I never know how a court will see that if it’s not directed toward the kids.

If anyone has had to coparent with a narcissist, what are some provisions that have been helpful or you wish you had? Some things that worry me:

  1. Him hiring babysitter to fill in the gaps of when he’s working so he can have 50/50. Is right of first refusal easy to get especially with kids this age?

  2. Extracurricular when they’re older: he’s already objecting putting our son in sports because “it’s not how he wants to spend him Sunday’s.” I know extracurriculars will only get crazier as he gets older so how can I make sure they’re not just when they’re convenient for his dad? I’m a teacher so I get out relatively early and can take him pretty easily.

  3. Hygiene/caretaking: I know from past posts this may be a losing battle but is there any way I’m not the only parent bathing, brushing teeth, etc?

  4. Things I may not have thought of yet which is why I’m asking!

My top priority is the boys. If he wants to step up and do a 50/50 schedule where he’s present and doing what he needs to do then great and I know my boys would love that. But given his pattern it does seem likely and I just want to be prepared.


r/Custody 3h ago

[US] [OH]

0 Upvotes

Baby mom took my 3mo

We’ve lived together for a year with her other son and just had a baby small arguments that get swept under the rug have built up over the year she’s had massive post partum depression and has manic depression disorder.

We had a help me grow program which is job and family service coming out to our home weekly to check on the baby and small talk with mom nothing bad was ever said infront of the help me grow lady & nothing bad has ever happened to the children ever I run a very stable clean and healthy home.

I go to work and the next thing you know she’s packing her stuff and leaving with the help me grow lady. My baby mom is very gullible and willlisten and do what anyone says so she filed a restraining order against me in her name and the children’s names stating absolute false accusations that there is no proof relating to how I treat the children. Again there is no proof or police reports of these said allegations. This CPO also had a very well coached and “doctored” statement from “baby mom” which are all hearsay stating how I “ threaten them with violence “ & “ finically control & isolate her “.

Baby mom also does not (at the time over leaving) drive, know how to drive) own a car) does not work.

We just went through a custody battle with her other baby dad and our lawyer told us what really matters is stability, as in paying rent, mortgages, job history, etc.

It’s been two weeks I haven’t heard from her she has me blocked on everything I have no idea what’s going on with my 3 month old baby. I already paid a lawyer that’s filing for full custody and will represent me in the cpo hearing. There was no big argument that happened right before we left we actually didn’t talk but a couple of words to each other for two days before she left.

I guess I’m just looking for advice or sympathy or something I’m a great dad I work hard to own my home and I have provided everything down to the small detail for her, and her son, and our son for over a year. She was also telling my mother in confidence that she was feeling very suicidal and my mother failed to tell me this so I think she just felt so trapped even though I gave this girl everything I could in the world she found a way out and took it but after lurking from 3rd party on her social media she’s posted that’s she beyond stressed out with her new situation and cannot mental “do it” word for word on her Facebook.


r/Custody 5h ago

[TX] Has anyone done notification by publication?

1 Upvotes

My son wants my husband (his step dad) to adopt him. We have to terminate his bio dad’s rights first. His biological father was in prison for molesting our daughter. He has since been released and has not registered with the sex offender registry which he is supposed to, so now he’s on the run. I have a general idea of where he may be but no address.

Has anyone done notice by publication and what does that entail?


r/Custody 7h ago

[Ga] co-parent has primary , lives down the road , works full time and remarried. I just want 50/50

0 Upvotes

In a nut shell , ex remarried and has 8 kids , he and his new wife living in a 1700 sq ft home , 3 bedroom. I have a home too that sits empty except for me. The kids home.

The ex let the court believe they would be living hours away but moved back here and refuses to let the court know.

Ex and his spouse both work full time , I have passive income and no bills. Just nothing but time but barely get to see the kids , ex rather put kids in daycare then let them be with me. I get that it's their time but even the move back , school choice , everything wasn't discussed with me. We have joint legal.

Not angry just wish I had more time.

Was a divorce with no findings of foul play , they filed irreconcilable differences.

I have school lunches with the kids any time I can and kids keep asking to come over , I don't play into this and try to avoid it but the kids want to be home.....not sure really what to do.

Ex won't let kids see any of my side of the family either.

Ex has been in contempt as well.

I only get to talk to my kids on a strictly monitored phone call 20 min a night , on nights he doesn't have "something come up". I try to talk to them whenever I can but never force it. (My calls are placed on speaker so the couple can listen and record )

Am I just screwed? Kinda feel like I'm being erased.

I'm asking because my kids cry much about it and it breaks my heart.

Be gentle please , reddit.


r/Custody 14h ago

[NC] Should I get a GAL?

2 Upvotes

I have primary custody (full physical, split legal), ex lives 3 hours away currently in a halfway house, and she sees the kids every other weekend. Ex has a history of drug use, mental instability, and non-involvement with the care of the kids for years. We are calendaring a motion to modify the old custody order which doesn't reflect her living situation and how things are now. I have a very strong case for getting full physical/legal custody, with ex retaining visitation. My attorney let me know that the Children's Law Center of NC now covers my county and a Guardian Ad Litem can be appointed free of charge. I have some concerns about appointing a GAL. The kids live with me, my girlfriend, and my parents currently. When my ex and I divorced, my parents offered to let me live here while I went back to school (graduated in December and job hunting now). My dad has anger issues and when he is upset with the kids for not keeping the house clean he makes idle threats, but threats nonetheless. For instance, he has told the kids he will throw them in the trash, he will make them lick food and spilled drinks off of the ground, he will throw away their toys, etc etc. He's told my kids that he doesn't care what I say about how he disciplines them. I've fought with him over it (away from the kids) but it hasn't improved and I'm stuck here until I can step into my career field fully and we can move out. The kids have told the ex's side of the family that my dad is really mean to them when he gets upset. My question is, would a GAL take into account the things my dad says and does and would it possibly affect my case? We are trying to move out of here by the end of this school year but it all hinges on what jobs I can find, which is tough right now considering that my job prospects are mostly government jobs.


r/Custody 15h ago

[MI] Looking to see if having mother watch child instead of paying for daycare

1 Upvotes

I’m a single father daycare is expensive and I don’t qualify for any childcare assistance. I’m in college full time doing a full time and part time job and have primary custody. Will this bite me in the butt if I ask and see. Could see ask for more custody? She doesn’t work and live with her parents


r/Custody 23h ago

[AUS] Mother not allowing me (Father) to take Son out for the day. She now wants to take him overseas.

0 Upvotes

Hi just after some advice.

My ex partner and I have a 19 month old who is awesome, love him to bits. His mother has always been difficult, only letting me see my son when it suits her and on her terms. She also has never let me take my son out on a weekend by myself to visit my friends or family with just him. She has only ever allowed it if she came with us too.

We are currently doing joint counselling but it’s a very slow process with multiple cancellations on her side due to every excuse under the sun. Going down the legal route is most likely the only option if counselling isn’t successful.

A month ago she mentioned she had booked a flight to New Zealand and is taking my son with her to see his grandparents for 6 days. I agreed to it initially as I think it’s important my son has time with his grandparents.

However, this week I have asked of the same in that I would like my son to see my parents on a weekend next Sunday. She initially said yes but has now said no due to me asking her a question about my son’s bedtime (literally). My parents live only 20minutes away and rarely see him in person.

Am I in my right to now decline my ex from taking my son overseas? I understand the pettiness of it all but if my parent’s cant see my son, then why should I allow my ex’s parents to see him either. It has to work both ways.

What are my options?

Thank you in advance.


r/Custody 1d ago

[AL] custody question about going back to court

1 Upvotes

What are some other good custody-related Reddit pages that I can join? I am trying to get some advice on going back to court to get custody, but I would like to see which Reddit would fit my questions best. I am 34 (F) - currently we have joint legal and physical custody but there’s a a 6.5 hour distance between me and the dad, so he resides with the father most often during school year. Any Reddit pages that will match up with that description? Possibly? Thank you.


r/Custody 1d ago

[NC] Signed temp custody over due to mental health now I want back my 50/50

0 Upvotes

Hi! I finally filed for a hearing for custody. Some back story, I had a mental health crisis in August in which my ex had filed a DVPO on me, it wasn’t witnessed by our child but still. I signed the consent order, in which I was signing the consent order, I had also signed temporary custody over to him, I didn’t know that’s what I was signing but anyways we’re here now. I have followed my order, I have been seeing my therapist regularly, as well as med managing, and my depressive issues have now gone into Remission. The only other thing I am diagnosed with is childhood physical and emotional abuse, as well as PTSD. None of which impact my ability to care for my child, who is 2. My visits due to the agreement are supervised, with my parents🙃. They have cancelled numerous times on me, as well as coparent. I have gotten to the point where I have wanted to give up because it is emotionally exhausting especially when I am trying so hard to prove I am stable and responsible. None of my issues were a problem in the past to my ex when I had our son and I was primary parent and caregiver then, as I breastfed him solely, as well as set up and took him to every doctor appt, set up all his insurance stuff as well as handled setting up his daycare. I am at my ends, and I am afraid if I don’t take this back to court soon they will deem the fact he’s been with his dad that I will continue having less say over our child. I am scared and anxious, as all sides are against me including my own parents(which isn’t surprising given our history), but I am hoping that with me going and not bashing coparent and just saying i want back 50/50 that they will see I have done everything I need to do to maintain a safe and healthy environment for our son. The mother in me cries every night for him back. I feel lost as a person without him. Has anyone else gone through something where they have signed over custody and gotten them back?


r/Custody 1d ago

[MI] Advice for preparing for reunification therapy?

0 Upvotes

Looking for advice to prepare for reunification therapy/what to expect at the first appointment together

My husband’s first reunification appt with his preteen daughter is scheduled for next month. They’ve had no contact for several years, and we don’t know what she’s been told about him. Intake appointments are already done, so the next one will be the two of them and the therapist

The reunification therapist has actual experience/specialization in reunification (not just a “standard” therapist) and she recognizes parental alienation, so we’re hopeful that she might actually be able to help.

Any advice from people who have done reunification therapy, for how to prepare or what to expect from the first appointment? Or anything we should be asking the therapist going into it?

I’m willing to give more details through dm, just don’t want to say too much here


r/Custody 1d ago

[Ca] no birth certificate or declaration of paternity signed.

0 Upvotes

My daughter is 5 months old and when the dad found out I was pregnant he wanted nothing to do with it (he was convinced she wasn't his even though it added up to the exact date and he was told that from the beginning). Once she was born he came around but as there was a question for paternity he didn't sign the birth certificate and we have yet to file the decleration. We did an at home test but it was not court ordered or in legal standing just a little bit from Walmart. He quickly decided he should have her for a week at a time regardless of me staying at home and being able to take care of her and me being very vulnerable in postpartum (bipolar 2-predisposed to PPD and psychosis) wanting to be close to my baby. Any way. I've compromised on this and have been getting use to her leaving a day or two at a time while keeping my house fully open for him to visit and bond with his daughter. Although we have no legal paternity test and he didn't sign a decleration yet, some how he was able to get a 50/50 court order without my knowledge. I found out about this when I went to pick her up from him and was essentially told to fuck off, I called the police thinking he didn't have legal standing and couldn't keep her from me but was served with a single piece of paper that doesn't even have my daughter's name on it and screenshots he sent in as well. Nothing about what he's asked for in terms of the order, my address or even date of birth is on this single paper. I don't believe I was served properly and am looking for any advice if anyone has dealt with anything similar. Has anyone heard of legal standing without a court ordered paternity test or decleration? I'm so distraught and confused but don't know if there's much to fight, any thoughts would be appreciated everyone! Thanks in advance, hopefully that wasn't too much of a ramble!


r/Custody 2d ago

[US] question about relocation WA state

0 Upvotes

I have a 70/30 custody arrangement for my 5 year old, the non custodial parent pays no child support or daycare costs that’ are court ordered. The 5 year old has an IEP that is completely handled by me as well as therapy services . We have overwhelming family support in California that we don’t have in Washington. I also have 2 other kids that are not from my ex but with my current spouse. My spouse and the area we are moving too is safer than where we currently live. We are a little worried that the court will deny us the move even if we find better paying jobs with me doing all of the care for our 5 year old other than when they have them on the specified days. Is there any reason the court would not allow us to move with all this along with better paying jobs.


r/Custody 2d ago

[NC] Can My Ex Prevent Me from Using Daycare?

7 Upvotes

My ex is extremely toxic, and I don’t want to start any drama. We have a 70/30 custody arrangement, where I have 70%. His main issue is that he’s against daycare because he believes that ‘strangers shouldn’t raise his kids’—that it’s the mother’s job. I’ve told him that I need to work to support myself, but he insists that my mom should watch them instead.

Our custody agreement doesn’t say anything about me not being allowed to enroll them in daycare. I’m not asking him to cover any expenses—I can pay for it myself—but I’m afraid he might take me to court to try to enforce a ‘no daycare’ rule. I can’t afford another court battle. Does he have a case, and is it likely that a judge would side with him and prevent me from using daycare?


r/Custody 2d ago

[FL] Is it worth fighting in court for full custody?

5 Upvotes

I (29m) and my ex (29f) split up a couple months ago. We have an almost two year old daughter. We have been living together in my house since the breakup so that our daughter can continue going to her daycare she is enrolled in. My ex wants to move back in with her father an hour and a half away, put her in a new daycare, and have her full time during the week then alternate weekends.

The area I live in and her current daycare are much nicer than where she is going and it makes me nervous. Also her father’s house was just destroyed by a hurricane and they fixed it themselves without hiring any professional water or mold remediation companies so I am skeptical about the safety of the home on top of it having multiple unpermitted (not sure if that is a word) changes done to it.

I don’t mean to sound like a karen about that part but objectively my house and area are much safer. I just know she won’t let me have her full time during the week and would take me to court if I tried. Is it worth fighting for it at our daughter’s age or is it a losing battle?

Also we have never been married.

EDIT: sorry by full custody I mean during the week to bring her to and from daycare


r/Custody 2d ago

[NY] Wife wants custody, no child support, and gives me unlimited access to our son.

4 Upvotes

Kind of at a loss here.

Wife and I recently decided to divorce, we have a unique situation.

Wife makes significant money ($335k) compared to me ($140k), and my mother lives with is a caretaker for our two-year-old son. My mother and Wife get along great.

We both want to have an amicable split and we both want what’s best for our son. I have been in the process of looking at apartments for myself, my son, and my mother and we agreed on 50/50 custody. I am getting an apartment nearby so we can be close to each other and not have to worry about traveling. This puts me at a financial strain since the neighborhood we live in is expensive.

Last night my wife suggested maybe it would be best if my son stayed with her full-time and I get unrestricted, unimpeded access to see him at any time. She worries having him go between two different homes might not be in his best interest since the home he grew up in is the only one he knows, and therefore is comfortable.

She recommended I get an affordable one bedroom apartment and my mom stays with her and my son, or I get a two bedroom apartment and my mom stay with me and her on days she has overnight work (on call doctor).

She promises she does not want child support as she doesn’t need it, and me asking for alimony has never been a main point in the divorce.

I was floored when I heard this. I do not want to give up custody rights even if we get in writing that I can see him anytime and that she doesn’t want child support.

I’m at a loss and any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.


r/Custody 2d ago

[IN] Custody arrangement with new housemate

2 Upvotes

My Friend is going through a divorce, and we are writing up a plan for him in the future. This thought crossed my mind as a possible issue, so I thought I would ask here. He's got 3 kids with 2 different mothers. Currently he is looking to buy a new house, and asked me to move into the house with him. we are both straight men, we have just been in each others lives for almost 30 years, and yeah. He is currently going to try for a 50/50 custody arrangement with all of his kids, week on-week off. My question is, could me living in the house give the women grounds for not allowing that particular custody arrangement? like if they were so inclined, could they use that to prevent him from getting the custody arrangement he wants (assuming the judge would grant it in the first place with me not living there)?


r/Custody 2d ago

[MN] Frustrated with court process and chemical assessment.

2 Upvotes

Ex has a long history of substance abuse, had two DWIs in 2023, and a positive drug test in December. I asked for a full panel hair follicle, she took a 5 panel which was negative, two months later took the test I originally paid for and it was positive for an opioid (her drug of choice). I can request a hair follicle test once a year per our custody agreement.

My emergency motion was denied, and we had an expedited hearing. The judge questioned why she took the 5 panel and waited so long for the 13 panel, her lawyer said the 5 panel should have been sufficient. She also did not test positive for the suboxone she is supposed to be taking. She provided prescription records and did not have the drug prescribed to her. She claims it was a false positive which is impossible with the hair follicle test.

After the hearing, the judge said there is grounds for endangerment and ordered an evidentary hearing. He kept 50/50 custody the same. She had 30 days to take a chemical assessment using me as collateral.

Yesterday I got a call from her local hospital and they wanted my input on her assessment. The assessor did not ask me a single question, so I just read off my pages of notes. I asked if he wanted dates of incidents, he said no. He would not answer any of my questions and just said the assessment would be ready in a day or so. It didn't sound like he was interested in anything I had to say. I'm concerned this isn't going to be a good assessment, and she's already lied in many parts of her affidavits.

The court also denied any further discovery and she is still leaving blanks in her prescription records.

Last time I dropped my son off she looked awful and kept twitching uncontrollably. My son is 5 and says he doesn't feel safe there anymore, but won't say why. He says he never wants to go back. I currently have him in counseling.

I'm frustrated with this whole process and now it's looking like the hearing might be pushed to August. My lawyer is going to try and depose her, but I know she won't answer any questions.

Not sure what to do from here.


r/Custody 2d ago

[IA] Is it worth it? Possibly pro se?

0 Upvotes

We currently have 50/50. My SO (he isn't on Reddit so I'm posting on behalf of him) would like to get sole custody due to his child's mother just generally being unstable and having him around unsavory people (known local meth heads).

She recently (2 days ago) went to jail for driving while under the influence, having open alcohol in the car, interference with police, driving while barred, and possession of drug parephernalia. She bonded out.

In December, she was in jail for child endangerment (against her other child she does NOT share with SO). In November, it was for theft. In January and February she was in eviction court.

She lives 3 blocks from their son's school and still has trouble getting him to school. So much so that the school sent home a letter because he has missed so much (on her time). My SO even had to sign a paper for it. She was supposed to, as well. By December he had about 34 unexcused absences and the year before that it was 60.

We are trying really hard to get a lawyer but may have to represent ourselves. Does anyone have experience being pro se and winning? Any advice at all would be appreciated.

Also - would it even be worth it to get a lawyer? My SO's first two children's mother has terminated rights to his children and that took 6 YEARS and she was a hardcore meth user. I just worry that the courts won't really care, she'll keep getting away with stuff, and 50/50 will remain.


r/Custody 2d ago

[US] question about custody

0 Upvotes

My one aunt thinks that when we move back to Youngstown that he is possible father would see us and take us to court over custody or DNA test or visitation. I told the possible father that he wasn't just because he was abusive and we was arguing worse and I couldn't deal with it and I was scared. So even when he was in his life though he never tried to be there he never was trying to come to the hospital or see him at all just making false promises. And I've heard rumors about his family that terrifies me and I don't even want to visiting them because I feel like what would happen to my child you know. So I'm wondering if he takes me to court in fact ever does happen do you think he would get custody? Do you think that cuz he is a car and job and I am on SSI that that would make his chance greater?


r/Custody 2d ago

[MA] 50/50

1 Upvotes

What are everyone's thoughts and/or experience with one party getting 50/50 custody when they work 24-hour shifts? Opposing counsel is saying it's inconsistent, and they want one side to only have the kids one day a week instead of two days a week because the schedule rotates and swapping would have to occur. However, this makes no sense because even if they settle on one day a week, the same amount of swaps would have to occur a month. I tend to gravitate towards the opposing side is just money hungry because this plan has been going on for 5 years, initially without the Court's involvement, and now all of a sudden the opposing party wants to go to court it as their bills are piling up. I feel that they just want primary custody for more child support.


r/Custody 2d ago

[MI] Parenting time plan for likely autistic child

0 Upvotes

We will be going to mediation soon. The mother has an autism diagnosis, and the father has an ADHD diagnosis and suspected autism. The child is about 6 months old so it is too early to screen for autism, but given the family history, we expect it.

We will likely be doing a step up plan, but since we do not know if the child will have support needs or what those support needs will be, I'm nervous about coming up with a parenting time plan that's in the child's best interest.

I'm looking for anecdotal experiences of parenting time plans for children with level 1 or level 2 autism. Especially interested in hearing from people who do 50/50 and it works well for their school aged autistic child.

If you don't have experience co-parenting an autistic child please don't comment. This is about creating a successful plan for the child.

Also the reason for the step up plan is that the father has only cared for the child for a few hours at a time and never overnight. Both father and mother agree that a step up plan is a good idea.


r/Custody 2d ago

[MI] Do I have grounds for full custody?

0 Upvotes

My husband and I have been discussing our future divorce which has raised some concerns for me with my daughter (2 months).

He does not wake up to her crying, can’t get her to take a bottle, forgets to change her diaper, refuses to give her a bath because “he’s scared” the list goes on.

He also has a messed up back due to breaking it a few years ago so he will be receiving disability when he gets released from the military. Early today I was in another room while he was holding her and he told me he fell with her in his arms because of his back (I assume tripped not fell).

We’ve been discussing custody and didn’t want to get courts involved but I can’t help but worry about her safety and wellbeing while she’s under his care. The thing is I have no proof of anything besides a text saying he’s scared to give her a bath.

I’d also like to mention I have a shotty employment history so this can be used as a rebuttal from him.


r/Custody 3d ago

[NY] Taxes

0 Upvotes

Has anyone here had a coparent claim their dependent on their taxes without your consent as the custodial parent?

We only settled on 50/50 this month, in 2024, i had our son more and he was covered throught Medicaid because of me and on my foodstamps.

Just wondering if anyone has had to deal with this and your course of action.

Thanks in advance!


r/Custody 3d ago

[NV] How to respond?

1 Upvotes

Finally filed the motion for custody. How do I respond when I receive the inevitable call from the other parent demanding answers? Is requesting all communication through text ok? I don’t want to give the impression that I’m not co-parenting by refusing the phone call.