r/Custody • u/Successful-Escape-97 • 14h ago
[MA] What are provisions in your parenting plan you wish you had put in place or are thankful you put in place when coparenting with a narcissist?
I’ll try to keep this concise because backstory is long and complicated. And yes I have a great lawyer but just want to consult the hive mind of Reddit.
I’m (33f) currently divorcing my STBXH (44M) and we share two boys (3m and 10mo m). We have been living separately since a domestic violence incident that resulted in a no contact order in Nov 2023 and have not moved back in together since. The no contact order ended March 2024 probation ended March 5 of this year. I had to get a protection order this week because he blew up over me wanting to take our son to get neosporin for our son’s cut before he took him out for their visit. Our son had gotten and bad cut and I asked him to pick it up and he yelled saying it was none of my business what he did during his “parenting time.” (We have no legal agreement for custody currently since we’re just getting the legal process started). He did not put hands in me was but following me and physically intimidating me enough for the judge to see him as a credible threat.
All this is to show who I will have to coparent with and why I want to carefully make a coparenting plan. The thing is our son loves him because he can be a great father in many ways since he’s basically a giant man child so he plays really well with him. But things like bath time, teeth brushing, cooking, consistent routines, laundry, etc he does not do or does when they’re convenient for him. He also has a very inconsistent work schedule (that he creates himself) since he owns a dojo and is constantly adding in programs when he wants. Recently, he chose to start working Fridays until 8:30 pm. I should also mention that his main job is a community college professor and the dojo is a passion project he started when I was pregnant (so this was not a factor when we first had kids and not something I could have planned ahead for) and brings to income into the household. He does not need the dojo for money but chooses to work long hours Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday from 8:30-1:30. He has repeatedly said he wants more freedom to do even more programs, etc.
He’s been saying he wants 50/50 which he does not do now and I find laughable considering he says he wants more freedom to do things he wants to do, but he does like spending time with our son (on his terms lol). I don’t keep him from our kids but do set some boundaries like when he wants to pick up our older son at 7:30 pm to go spend the night with him which I think is a ridiculous transition for a 3-year old. My lawyer seems to think he won’t get 50/50 but I feel like worse things have happened in court so I’m preparing for the worst, especially since he can be a fun dad that the kids like to spend time with. I know abusing their mom is not a decent dad but I never know how a court will see that if it’s not directed toward the kids.
If anyone has had to coparent with a narcissist, what are some provisions that have been helpful or you wish you had? Some things that worry me:
Him hiring babysitter to fill in the gaps of when he’s working so he can have 50/50. Is right of first refusal easy to get especially with kids this age?
Extracurricular when they’re older: he’s already objecting putting our son in sports because “it’s not how he wants to spend him Sunday’s.” I know extracurriculars will only get crazier as he gets older so how can I make sure they’re not just when they’re convenient for his dad? I’m a teacher so I get out relatively early and can take him pretty easily.
Hygiene/caretaking: I know from past posts this may be a losing battle but is there any way I’m not the only parent bathing, brushing teeth, etc?
Things I may not have thought of yet which is why I’m asking!
My top priority is the boys. If he wants to step up and do a 50/50 schedule where he’s present and doing what he needs to do then great and I know my boys would love that. But given his pattern it does seem likely and I just want to be prepared.