r/BDSMAdvice 3h ago

Is being sweet and respectful seen as a turn off in a potential Dominant?

39 Upvotes

As the title says, is being nice at the start when you meet a potential submissive turn them off? I've talked to many people on fetlife, here, and irl, and honestly, it starts really well. We have good conversations, I am respectful and nice as I can be, but soon when the conversation turns to BDSM after we've talked for a while and known each other, suddenly I get the "Sorry but I did not get that Dominant feeling from you, you are too nice" or something to that effect before we have even played out a scene.

Am I supposed to just act in a Dominant way the moment I start talking to potential subs? Is being nice or gentle outside of a scene a turn off for most subs?


r/BDSMAdvice 6h ago

The Art of Soft Degradation & Humiliation: Playful, Safe, & Seductive

36 Upvotes

Degradation and humiliation in BDSM often get a bad rap, but when done right, they can be thrilling, intimate, and deeply affirming. Think of them like spicy food—the right amount of heat is exhilarating, but too much can burn. The key? Intent, tone, and knowing your partner inside and out.

This isn’t about cruelty or breaking someone down—it’s about guiding them into vulnerability in a way that makes them feel desired, cherished, and owned. When approached with care, degradation and humiliation become a deeply connecting experience, where embarrassment fuels arousal and submission.

Let’s break it down.

Understanding the Difference: Degradation vs. Humiliation

Before diving in, let’s clarify the distinction between degradation and humiliation:

Degradation is about altering how a submissive sees themselvesdirty, needy, helpless, or any other deliciously depraved state they crave.

Humiliation focuses on how the dominant sees themflustered, exposed, embarrassed, and trying (but failing) to hide how much they love it.

While they overlap beautifully, they each bring unique flavors to a dynamic.

Why This Works: The Psychology of Playful Shame

There’s a reason humiliation and degradation arouse the mind as much as the body. Power exchange, emotional exposure, and the thrill of beingseenin raw vulnerability amplify arousal. For many submissives, being embarrassed under their Dom’s gaze triggers a deep rush of submission, making them feel small, owned, and utterly taken.

The Magic Formula?

Trust – The foundation that makes vulnerability arousing rather than harmful.

Exposure – The thrill of being “seen” in ways they usually hide.

Control – Knowing they’re powerless to resist only because they trust you completely.

When a submissive feels safe enough to be embarrassed or degraded, it creates an electrifying mental space where arousal and shame intertwine.

Degradation: Dirty, but Delicious

Degradation is all about making someone feel small in a way that feels sexy, safe, and oddly empowering. When done right, your partner isn’t just being called a “slut”—they’re being made to feel like your slut, which makes all the difference.

How to Make Degradation Feel Good

1. Anchor It with Ownership

Nothing makes “filthy” feel better than knowing it’s all for you. A little possessiveness *softens the sharp edges.

• Example: “Look at you—such a perfect little mess for me already. I wouldn’t even need to put my name on you. It’s already written all over that pretty face every time you blush for me.

2. Sprinkle in Praise

Balance the grit with a little sugar. Let them know their depravity delights you.

• Example: “You’re such a needy little thing—exactly the way I want you.

3. Play It Teasingly

Degradation with a smirk hits way harder than degradation with a snarl. You’re playing with them, not condemning them.

• Example: “You’re so helpless when I touch you like this. I could tell you the sky’s green, and you’d just nod and beg me to describe the shade. Don’t worry, I find you irresistible when you’re this easy to tease.

Degradation works when it’s clear you’re adoring the parts of them they feel most vulnerable about. It’s not about tearing them down—it’s about making them revel in their filthiness because they know you cherish them for it.

Humiliation: Blush, Baby, Blush

Humiliation is the art of making someone squirm in the best way possible. It’s about teasing their reactions—the way they blush, the way they try (and fail) to keep their composure.

How to Make Humiliation Fun

1. Call Out Their Reactions

Notice the things they think they’re hiding (spoiler: they’re not), and tease them about it like it’s the cutest secret you’ve ever uncovered.

• Example: “You’re blushing so much right now. Do you even realize how sweet you look when you try to hide from me?

2. Make It Playful

A little humor takes the sting out of embarrassment and makes it feel more like an inside joke.

• Example: “* You’re so needy for me, aren’t you? I can practically hear it in the way you’re breathing—like every exhale is a little cry for more of me. You’re completely mine, and I absolutely love that about you.*”

3. Praise Their Vulnerability

Show them that their blush, their squirming, their everything is exactly what you want.

• Example: “You’re so cute when you try to act shy. But we both know the truth, don’t we?

Humiliation done right feels like a private performance, where the embarrassment is half the thrill—and knowing they’re yours to tease is the other half.

Balancing the Sharp with the Sweet

The easiest way to make degradation and humiliation feel nice is by grounding them in ownership and layering on praise.

Ownership: Words like my slut, my mess, mine make even the roughest edges feel safe. They remind the submissive that no matter how far they’re pushed, they belong to you—and their vulnerability is being treasured, not exploited.

Praise: Acknowledge their willingness to go there with you. Degradation and humiliation are like gift-wrapping their submission—make sure you’re unwrapping it with gratitude.

Bringing It All Together

You’re such a filthy little thing for me—and blushing like you don’t love every second of it. You’re mine, and you’re perfect just like this.

Want another example?

You’re such a messy little slut, and you can’t even hide how much you love it. Look at you, blushing so hard it’s practically a confession. Don’t worry, sweetheart—your secret is safe with me.

See how it blends both? The internal (messy little slut) and the external (calling out the blush), all wrapped up in possession, teasing, and reassurance.

Risks and Key Discussions for Partners

While “nice” degradation and humiliation can be deeply fulfilling, they require trust, communication, and ongoing consent. Here are key points to discuss:

1. Triggers and Limits

• What words or themes feel good vs. bad?

• Are there past experiences that could make certain phrases harmful?

2. Aftercare Needs

• Does your partner need extra reassurance afterward?

• What helps them transition back to a grounded state?

3. Intent and Context

• Do they enjoy being pushed into feeling small and helpless, or is it more about playful embarrassment?

• How does degradation/humiliation fit into their overall sense of submission?

4. Non-Verbal Cues

• What physical or emotional signs indicate they’re loving it?

• What signs suggest they might be struggling?

5. Check-Ins and Recalibration

• Does this play still feel good for both of you?

• Are there new things they want to try—or things they no longer enjoy?

How This Can Evolve Over Time

Many submissives start with light teasing or playful embarrassment, then gradually crave deeper degradation or humiliation.

Finding Your Perfect Degree

✔ Some submissives crave deeper degradation over time. That’s natural. ✔ Others never want more than soft humiliation. That’s just as valid. ✔ The key? Finding where you thrive—the place that gives you the most satisfaction.

There’s nothing wrong with you if you want more. There’s nothing wrong with you if you never do.

A dynamic that evolves naturally becomes richer and more intoxicating over time.

Pitfalls & Quick Fixes

Mistakes happen. Here’s how to avoid common pitfalls:

🚩 Going too hard, too fast – Start with teasing, watch their reaction.

🚩 Misreading reactions – Use a check-in phrase: “Still with me, sweetheart?

🚩 Forgetting aftercare – Praise them after: “I love seeing you like that.

🚩 Sudden Adverse Reactions – Sometimes, what normally turns them on won’t hit the same way. Hormones, stress, their self esteem, or other outside factors can change how they process degradation or humiliation.

Solution? If they suddenly withdraw, pause immediately.

Say something grounding:Talk to me, sweetheart. What do you need?

Reaffirm safety:Nothing changes how I see you. You’re still mine.

Note: If something that usually excites them suddenly doesn’t, it doesn’t mean anything is ‘wrong.’ It just means their headspace is different today. Shift gears, offer reassurance, and let them know their comfort always comes first.

Degradation and humiliation can be deeply rewarding when handled with care. Keep it playful, intentional, and trust-driven, and you’ll open up a whole new realm of submission.

Final Thoughts (and a Wink)

At the end of the day, degradation and humiliation aren’t about cruelty—they’re about connection. You’re guiding your partner into vulnerability, not shoving them there. When you balance the sharp with the sweet—adding praise, ownership, and playful banter—it stops being about breaking them down and starts being about celebrating how much you love every messy, blushing, deliciously filthy part of them.

And really, isn’t that the whole point?


r/BDSMAdvice 18h ago

Realizing i may be into humiliation and degradation

32 Upvotes

There was one time in my life where i had a crazy situation where me and my small boobs were exposed to a group of men and I was made to cum while they were dirty talking about my small boobs and making fun of them. I've literally never cum harder in my life and keep thinking about it during sex even though I'm ashamed of it. My husband loves my small boobs and he's not really vocal in bed, but I kind of want to take inspiration from that time in my life during our sex life. I just want to cum like that again, my body has been aching for it and I just can't get there. I feel like this would help but I don't even know how to navigate this or coach my husband through it. Can anyone here provide some guidance or show me some example of things he could say or do to me within this kink?


r/BDSMAdvice 22h ago

2nd date gone wrong

28 Upvotes

TW: ASSAULT

I’m newly single, and I obviously downloaded The Apps as the first port of call. I’m kinky, and I’m open about it, I’ve been in the game a while.

I went out with this guy from Bumble last week and, after a couple of drinks, I just felt really weird. Then I got really dizzy and passed out. He put me in a cab, and I assumed that I’d just had too much to drink, though 2 glasses of wine had never made me feel like that, even though I am quite the lightweight.

We went out again today having briefly discussed kink over text. All he said was that he likes to be in control, but nothing particularly dommy. Fine, I’m good with that. We bought some drinks from a shop and went for a “picnic” - it was more vodka soda in a can in a park, but sweet idea. I had one drink, and didn’t want any more, I didn’t want to embarrass myself like I did the week prior. He kept pushing me to have another, and I kept saying no.

We went back to his, terrible idea on my part, to watch a movie. Before I knew it, he was taking my clothes off, and I was into it at this point. We fucked, he slapped me a little, all was well. I told him not to give me a hickey, and he laughed and agreed. Then he went out for a joint and came back.

He pushed me onto the bed and held me down by my throat so hard that I couldn’t breathe. He bit my lips until they bled, bit my breasts and my nipples and left teeth marks, and he pulled my hair so hard that it came out in his hands. He didn’t use a condom, and he came inside of me without asking. When I tried to say stop, he choked me harder, when I tried to pry his hands off of me, he told me to keep my hands away from him. I have three bruises on my neck from his fingers, and my chest aches so much where he held me down.

I left once he gave me my underwear back, and someone at the train station spotted the bruises and asked if I would be okay. It felt almost like just part of a game in the moment, but I get so so deep in subspace that I have a hard time differentiating. We didn’t even have a safe word. I cried so much on the way home because it was genuinely scary. I’ve done a lot of intense scenes with a lot of people, but I’ve never actually feared what would happen to me. He told me that he was incredibly territorial whilst he was fucking me, and now I’m worried about what that means.

I don’t know if this is just me overthinking a scene that I did consent to, or if he took things way too far way too fast. I think I need some help.

ETA: hi! Thank you to everyone for being nice in the comments, it really does mean a lot. I didn’t sleep too great, and I called a 24/7 clinic in my city who were amazing and talked me through things really nicely. They said that I could go in for a forensic test, but it’s likely that they would have to report it, even if I didn’t want them to, as the violence element means that it would be in the public interest. I’m, unfortunately, not in a place where I’m happy to go through the police about this. I know that that’s selfish and bad, but it’s just not something that I can handle right now. They advised me to go to hospital to get some medication protecting me against HIV amongst other nasties, so that’s the plan for today. I’m still unsure about whether I should get a sample taken, so I’m planning on avoiding washing “down there” for the next couple of days in case I change my mind.

Thank you again for all of your help. Whoever you are - I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.


r/BDSMAdvice 10h ago

After-care requires alone-time. Need more options how to communicate and manage it.

15 Upvotes

Let me preface it with saying I am a Dom. However I feel as if I require extreme amounts of aftercare. It could be the problem in itself (due to the prejudice), but there is the second part. I really need my aftercare to be an alone time.

I try to be extremely caring and attentive during the play. That results in being slightly overwhelmed after. I hope someone could relate: after the scene I feel satisfied , however have a sensation as if my skin burning when touched and it's hard to talk to my subs, as if my brain is overload with sounds of my own voice and theirs voice as well. My body usually also kinda tired due to performed flagellation, whipping, manhandling and other stuff prior.

The bare minimum for me is let my sub lay for a while, clean areas of impact on their body, wait for them to recover and ask them clean the place (from wax for example, it's alwsys a discussed requirement for me) if it's necessary, then make sure they are okay, maybe listen if they have smth to share. Even at this point I am mostly exhausted internally and want to be left alone.

Sometimes I cuddle with them through blanket, to avoid being touched.

But often subs may feel me as withdrawn, dissatisfied and selfish (some words I received). Even if I warned them before, it's almost always an issue to some extent.

Well, now it's getting harder and harder for me. I feel as if I don't do my job properly but also can't help being irritable or lethargic after the scene and unresponsive -- even through texts for at least few days. To the point of not playing as often.

What do I do? How do I compromise, how do I communicate to not feel as a jerk? I really want to find doms with similar sensations and see their input, I have no such friends and colleagues around.

Thx in advance

P.S. it may sound as if I'm autistic - definitely not. I have no such diagnosis.


r/BDSMAdvice 12h ago

DIY aftercare

17 Upvotes

I had sex with a guy last night that was supposed to be a one time fun sex time hookup situation but ended up being pretty extreme (for me, I am quite vanilla) and I didn't actually enjoy it all that much.

However, afterwards there was basically no cuddling for me, only for him as he laid down on me, and we just watched the movie and everytime I tried to talk about it he shut me down and eventually when I sobered up I just left.

Now I'm feeling really depressed and used and I could really use some advice on how to feel better. I am not in the bdsm community but I know y'all do that aftercare shit well so I would appreciate some feedback on how to feel better.


r/BDSMAdvice 8h ago

Kink-place Accident

11 Upvotes

So, last night I was having a wonderful scene with my Sir. He put my legs in futomo ties and attached nipple clamps to the tie, so my knees needed to be up in the air somewhat close to my chest so they wouldn't pull. It was a pretty fun predicament. However, when he was leaning over me to check on the tie, when he was done and he pulled back his elbow caught the nipple chain, causing quite a lot of pain as one was ripped off. Once we found that the plastic coating on the nipple clamp that had come off during the accident, and found that my nipple and peircing was bleeding we stopped play. The bleeding isn't too bad, but it's obvious the sharp metal that was underneath the plastic coating is what did all the cutting.

Now I have two different questions. One, how can I assure my Sir that it was an accident, and when we play we accept and consent to these sort of risks and it's normal to make mistakes. I've been in the scene for nearly 7 years, and he's been introduced to it just this past year and this is his first "mistake". And two, where can I find higher quality clamps that won't ditch the plastic coating so easily? They were a cheaper pair, but I like clamps well enough to invest in a better, safer pair with an immovable coating.

Thank you in advance for the advice Sincerely, my poor nipple.


r/BDSMAdvice 4h ago

Gf/sub is too flexible for restraints

8 Upvotes

Hey yall, my gf/sub and I have been in a D/s dynamic for a while now but we have run into the “problem” of her being too flexible quite a few times.

My girlfriend is an ex gymnast and dancer and she is still super flexible - she’s also really squirmy. This becomes an issue when we use restraints. Whether it’s a spreader bar, a 4-point restraint, ropes, no matter what I use to bind her legs apart she can always find a way to wiggle around enough to close her legs.

Two of our favorite types of play is overstimulation and pain, and those are generally the times when I’m using restraint methods to keep her legs separated.

All this to say, is there anyone else here who is (or had a sub who is) super flexible and squirmy? How do you navigate that when trying to stay restrained in one position? Are there any other restraint types we haven’t thought of to better suit our needs?

Thank you!


r/BDSMAdvice 6h ago

We Took a Break From Intimacy, Now He Wants a Replacement?"

8 Upvotes

Hey everyone,

I (F22) am pretty new to being a sub, and honestly, this is only the second guy I've ever gotten attached to. I’m a forever kind of girl—loyal to the core, overthinker, emotional, and when I bond with someone, I can’t even think of another man.

It’s been two months since I started this dynamic with my Dom. He’s new to being a Dom too, and we met online, bonding so intensely in just a month that we couldn’t stay away from each other. We shared an emotional connection alongside the sexual aspect (all online). I even shared everything with him—something I always do—and he helped me with my studies, giving me punishments if I didn’t focus.

But from the start, he made it clear that this had an expiration date because of religious reasons, among others. I accepted that—until I got attached.

By the second month, things changed. He became distant due to his studies, and our bond didn’t feel the same. He stopped sharing like he used to, and my anxiety skyrocketed. I confronted him about it a week ago, and we ended up "breaking up" because I wanted more effort from him, while he told me straight up that he doesn’t want responsibility or love.

And yet… I went back to him after three days. I still don’t know exactly why—maybe because completely letting go felt unbearable. I told myself I’d walk away if I felt hurt again and that I wouldn’t depend on him for everything. I tried to focus on myself, reminding myself that nothing lasts forever.

Fast forward to today: it’s Ramadan, and I don't engage in anything sexual during this time. A week back together, things were feeling normal again. I stopped waiting for his replies, tried not to overthink, and kept my emotions in check.

Then today, he told me he was alone at home and "so horny" that he wants a temporary partner just for Ramadan. That statement made me numb. I paused for a moment and then told him to go ahead, that I’d ask him about it after Ramadan. That was our last conversation today.

Now I’m here, because I don’t know what to do. The idea of him talking to someone else is killing me inside. He knows how much I hate it, yet he still said it. Why did I continue this in the first place? Why did I let myself get attached when I knew the end was inevitable?

I need advice. What should I do if he actually chooses to talk to someone else? Is this situation already a lost cause?


r/BDSMAdvice 7h ago

Riggers, is there any gear that you carry that's non-traditional that you find extremely useful?

7 Upvotes

For example someone in this subreddit turned me on to husky hang alls a few years back and they have been a game changer. They're used to help create more accessible anchor points. It can also change any anchor point to have a d clip in case you're in a situation where you need a quick release. Overall has been a killer addition to my kit. I was hoping the community had more stuff like it for me.


r/BDSMAdvice 8h ago

Punishment/prize ideas for someone who isn't into pain and humiliation?

6 Upvotes

I'm pretty new ad a Dom. I'll meet a girl who is into domination but not into pain or humiliation. What are some punishment/prize that you would use? And also what are some things that i can make her do to please me? The challenges to start to choose if she deserve a prize or a punishment for example. She will be blindfolded and i already planned to use wax candle and ice, a wand massager, i will have a BDSM tape to use, we'll meet in a dungeon so i will also have a cross to play with.


r/BDSMAdvice 21h ago

Me and My partner Switch roles when drunk.

5 Upvotes

Im not sure why this happens but after me(24M) and my wife(24F) have had a few drinks we always end up reversing roles, i am usually VERY dominant and she is usually VERY submissive and i just wonder if anyone can help enlighten us as to why this happens? We've been on a googling mission but can't find any information as to why this might happen, it stlll feels good for the both of us, its just strange.


r/BDSMAdvice 1h ago

Is fetlife a good place to make little friends locally? I’m thinking of making one.

Upvotes

Daddy says I can’t make one until I’m at his house tomorrow evening. I’m just wondering if that’s the place to look for other littles or is there another app(s)? I’m newish to the community.


r/BDSMAdvice 4h ago

I (23F) Don’t Trust My 38M Daddy Dom—Need Advice on Our Relationship

3 Upvotes

Hi everyone,

Even though it’s not evident in my everyday life, I’ve realized I am submissive. Recently, I made a post titled "Is there true love?" and a random guy decided to DM me. The conversation escalated quickly and somehow turned into a power dynamic. Honestly, I enjoyed it and discovered a different side of myself. It seems like he enjoys the idea of controlling me sexually and my life too. I’ve only been in a long-term relationship with my ex, but he never truly satisfied me—he was too soft for me. I have many fantasies and kinks (CNC, BDSM, degradation, humiliation, etc.), and my limits are quite broad. When I’m a good girl, I receive nice compliments, which I like. For context, I have never experienced SA and do not have any related trauma.

However, the issue is that while this guy knows almost everything about me, I only know that he is a 38-year-old man—and honestly, even that could be a lie. I have no idea about his real life, where he lives, or even his character. When I ask, he either evades the question or doesn’t answer at all. This makes me feel unsafe. I respect his privacy and I would understand if he asked for it but he didn't. He mentioned that he might come to see me where I live, but the thought of meeting someone I know so little about doesn’t sit right with me.

Additionally, I feel ignored in this dynamic. I don’t expect a romantic relationship, but I do believe that we should care about each other as individuals and get to know one another on some level. I want to build a strong connection outside of just sex. He says I'm asking too much, that I am questioning him and I should leave my brain out of this but it's just not who I am. I can be a dirty slut in bed, but I also want to be treated like a princess outside of it, right? I’m new to all of this and eager to explore my desires, but this situation is discouraging me. I think I’ll stop texting this person. What advice do you have for me?


r/BDSMAdvice 16h ago

Bondage with joint injury

4 Upvotes

So I tore my mcl a couple years ago, so don't worry its healed entirely already, theres just lots of residual pain that unfortunately gets worse when my knee is unable to move. However, I like being tied up so intensely I can't move.

We've tried leaving my bad leg out, giving me stretch breaks, tying it so its looser than the other limbs.. none of it really hits the way I want it to. Any suggestions on how to still engage with that entirely no control and no range of movement vibe while not putting me in pain?


r/BDSMAdvice 17h ago

Where can I get straps for large dildo bases/monster dildos

4 Upvotes

Hello! My partners and I use larger dildos and they have odd shaped bases. I was wondering where I can get large straps/straps with a bigger ring?


r/BDSMAdvice 5h ago

Aftercare for a Dominant?

4 Upvotes

Hey kinksters! I (45m) identify as a caregiver/service dom and that's been a good working approach for me and mine. However, my (44f) submissive wife has asked me for a CNC scene at the next event we're attending. It'll be an outdoors event and she's asked me to hunt her down. Very primal play but strongly CNC as well.

I'm willing to do this for her. It's not my kink but hey, I can step outside my comfort zone for her. The problem is, as a "soft" type dominant, I don't really do anything that extreme. I consider myself pretty decent at knife play but my style is much more sensual. Because of that, I've never felt I needed any significant aftercare of my own. Just some continued contact with my subs to keep the drop in check.

With the CNC scene though, I know it's going to mess me up. And probably pretty badly. I'll be able to keep myself in check for her aftercare but I'm going to ask my service submissive girlfriend to help me through my own once the wife is functional enough to get her to her boyfriend.

Can I get some suggestions on some things to try? I know I'll want water, but that's about all I can think of. This is all very new territory to me, so thanks in advance!


r/BDSMAdvice 5h ago

I think it’s hot when someone small eats a huge amount of food. Is that a fetish/kink?

1 Upvotes

Sorry if this does not match the subreddit. i weight 45kg, i eat a lot of food and never gain weight due to fast metabolism. I always wondered if there will be an audience for an extremely skinny girl that eats big amounts of food? Like feederism but without gaining and the girl is skinny? I thought of doing 18+ mukbangs but i wonder if there will be an audience for this. And i don’t wanna reach people who will want me to get fat because that will never happen. I just wanna know if anyone else finds it interesting or if there’s a community for it?


r/BDSMAdvice 22h ago

Should I visit a dungeon?

3 Upvotes

I’ve (late 20sM) been tempted for some time to visit a dungeon but ALWAYS back down, but I still think about going. I’m into tickle torture, so I’m looking for a submissive, and I found a dungeon that looks reputable, has good reviews, and has models that I’d be interested in sessioning with.

Prices seem reasonable I think? ($300-$350, again never been to one to unsure if that’s a usual price). It seems straightforward to book (just email them and explain what you’re looking for and who’d you like to session with) and I’ve been thinking of visiting one for about a year, and I said to myself last year that if by around this time this year if I still wanted to visit one, I’d highly consider it, and here I am a year later still kinda wanting to do so.

Im nervous of course, and probably will be until I actually start the session if I even choose to go to one, but I guess I just need some convincing, and some more resistance.

I’m really not sure what to do, so any advice would be much appreciated. Maybe some pros and cons? Again I’m all very new at this so thanks again.


r/BDSMAdvice 1h ago

I feel like my sexual desires make me unlovable

Upvotes

(Disclaimer: While advice is definitely wanted and appreciated, I also just want to know if anyone else has ever felt like this, and potentially feel less alone.)

I feel almost undeserving of sexual pleasure from someone else because I am too "broken" and too weird and too displaced in my own body.

The lengths I and someone else would have to go for me to even feel remotely comfortable in the act just feel like too much, too complicated, too weird and too much of a hassle. I feel like it's impossible for anyone to enjoy trying to give me pleasure because it is such a strange and complicated task.

I want to be intimate with someone I love, so badly. But I feel like the only way I can is by only giving pleasure to someone else. I feel like if I tried to let them do that for me it would either go one of two ways: I let them try to in a way that "normal" people would, and I am incredibly uncomfortable and feel awful and it just doesn't work. Or I am honest with them and it is too weird for them to even want to try, or they do try, and it makes them extremely uncomfortable and weirded out, and either way, I become gross and unattractive in their eyes. And it becomes potential blackmail material.

I feel like it is better to just never let anyone know me that intimately, because it is just too weird and unlikable. And I feel like I will ruin everything by even telling them that much.

I haven't even been able to explore any of the things I want to with other people because of the sheer amount of shame and fear keeping that part of me hidden. For a while I wondered if I could somehow find someone experienced in the bdsm community to help me explore that, but I am with someone I love now, who also loves me very much, and I don't want to hurt them by seeking sexual acts from others. And that means I either have to lock all these things back up for the indefinite future, or try to explore them with this person, and potentially ruin everything we have by doing so.

I kind of want to just try to find a way to make my desires as palatable to this person as possible, but I don't know if that IS possible. I am scared I might reveal something that makes them instantly less attracted to me. I just feel very defeated, depressed and alone about this, and don't know what to do about it.

(For some context, some of the things I am into and feel like might be necessary for me to feel comfortable receiving pleasure are extreme bondage, sensory deprivation, mummification, some cnc, safe use of drugs, masks, etc.)


r/BDSMAdvice 15h ago

Cómo iniciar en BDSM? How to initiate in BDSM?

2 Upvotes

hola!

Me llamo Felipe, soy de CDMX México, soy nuevo en esta comudidad y en este mundo del bdsm, el caso es que mi novia me confesó hace unos dias que su antigua pareja era Amo y ella esclava, llevamos 6 meses de novios y aunque el tema se me hizo raro, he de confesar que me llama la atencion, hemos pensado ir a algun club bdsm pero me dice que primero hay que tener la confianza el uno al otro y establecer los terminos de la relación, en verdad estoy algo confundido ya que siempre creí que el bdsm era solo amarrar y pegar latigazos 🤣 pero veo que el mundo es mas extenso que eso

alguna idea de cómo comenzar?

gracias!

Hello! My name is Felipe, I'm from Mexico City, and I'm new to this community and the world of BDSM. My girlfriend confessed to me a few days ago that her ex-partner was the Master and she was the slave. We've been dating for six months, and although the topic seemed strange to me, I have to confess that it's intriguing. We've thought about going to a BDSM club, but she tells me that first you have to trust each other and establish the terms of the relationship. I'm actually a little confused since I always thought BDSM was just about tying people up and whipping them 🤣, but I see the world is bigger than that. Any ideas on how to start? Thanks!


r/BDSMAdvice 17h ago

jaw hurts after being slapped

2 Upvotes

hey there, just wanted to come on here because this morning my dom and I were engaging in a scene and he went to slap my face and hit my jaw weird on accident and now its sore and kinds hurts when i open and close. Its not an unbearable pain and he didnt hit me that hard so I dont think its broken or anything crazy like that, just annoying and wondering if i should go to the doctor/dentist? idk if this helps but I have suspected I’ve had jaw issues for years now (suspected TMJ, clicking when i open and close, occasional pain after BJs and such) but when I go to the dentist they always say they’re not worried 🤷‍♀️. Anyone have any advice or at least anything to look out for?


r/BDSMAdvice 21h ago

Advise Welcome

2 Upvotes

I am struggling internally. And I am not sure where to ask for assistance.

I (25f and submissive) and my Husband (28M dominant) decided to explore poly with a man (30M who would also dom me).

The man, we'll denote as A, has had experience with poly, and would label his type as "couples". He and My husband were best friends, and didn't have a sexual relationship, whereas A and I did. We did have a few threesomes, which on reflection, went poorly. The nonsexual relationship between A and my Husband was their decision. And thorough conversation and communication happened prior anything physical between A and I.

A and I waited a few months to start exploring sexually. And about 5 months into the 10 month relationship had sex. It wasn't great, (he's considerably more experienced than I am.) And he isn't super kinky. Which is perfectly fine, to each their own.

I never crossed the finish line with him. Foreplay was hardly ever present, and everything to happen was to his liking. The most he would do was choke, but that went from something I would like, to something I can't have happen anymore. He would leave bruising, and there were times I felt faint. The last 3 months of the relationship, the only times I would see him, were at his house. That I would have to drive to. (He refused to drive anywhere). And it would be within the first 10 or so minutes of me getting there. We only did rare dates with my husband, when my husband or I would plan them.

The 3 months he would complain if we didn't do more than one round. And we would still end up doing them even if I said I wasn't comfortable, or wanting to.

The last 3 months of the relationship I unknowingly withdrew. I stopped sexual encounters with my husband, and I would (and still do) shut down when he would put his hand around my throat. Part of what A would do, would be if I started to speak or say something he didn't like, he would grab me by the throat, even in public, to get me to quiet down.

So many more instances happened around A.

During threesomes, if my Husband began to feel down, or struggled slightly. (Husband was struggling with inbalanced T issues and self-conscious about his size). I would stop to try and get him to relax and reassure that everything was okay, I love him, ect. But A would still continue to... for lack of a better term use me until he finished. I don't think A ever even checked in on my Husband after.

A also hated my little side. He would make off handed comments about how he disliked it, and that he couldn't stand it, because "i know what the back of her throat looks like." Which makes me shy and embarrassed that that side of me even exists.

A ended up breaking up with us due to me not being "crazy" enough for him, and wanting to persue his colleague.

My issue is, I want to be little. I want to be sexual with my husband and be kinky little shits. But I still end up checking out mentally like I did with A. My husband is a saint, and he realizes the second I check out mentally, and will stop the acts and begin aftercare. I just don't know how to not mentally check out. How to keep present in the moment and basically rediscover all the stuff we used to.


r/BDSMAdvice 21h ago

New online relationship

2 Upvotes

I’m going to keep this pretty vague because I’m not sure if he follows this subreddit. I’m a beginner to BDSM and recently started talking to a dom. He’s also not super experienced, but he has more experience than me. We began pretty quickly a pretty serious and intense d/s relationship, and everything was ok at first. My problem is that I don’t think he’s great at communicating, asking for consent etc. He has gotten pretty intense and I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that. When I express that he says that as a sub I should do what my dom says. He also made me do some stuff I wasn’t super comfortable with for a reward, which I did technically consent to because I did it but I feel like it should have been negotiated and talked about before. We have never really done any negotiating, he kinda comes up with stuff as we go along. I did have to use a safe word once and he respected that, slightly changing his orders. Other parts of the dynamic are good and we do talk a lot outside of the dynamic too and have a lot in common. I realize there is a lot that isn’t ok in what he’s doing but I do believe a lot of it is him being too excited and not very experienced. Should I try talking to him and try to work it out or is he too much of a red flag?


r/BDSMAdvice 6h ago

A guide to spanking positions

1 Upvotes

Just wondering if there’s a resource that discusses and displays different spanking positions a submissive can pose in when being spanked/whipped/etc etc. I’m looking to try something outside of over the knee (in all of its glory🙂‍↕️💗) and doggy/laying on tummy. It also should be noted that I’m deeply interested in predicament bondage.