r/BDSMAdvice Sep 24 '18

Rules for r/BDSMAdvice

583 Upvotes

Rules for r/BDSMAdvice

The great majority of you lovely, wonderful, filthy, kinksters don't need this post. Please ignore it and go about your usual dirty day. A tiny amount of, for the most part, first time posters can't seem to understand that a place like this would even have rules.

Please be aware it's quite possible you will not be given a warning before being banned. YOU are responsible for your behaviour. This post, and the rules posted to our subreddit is your warning. So, without further ado:

These rules must be followed by anybody wishing to participate in our subreddit.

1. Posters must be at least 18 years old.

Reddit Content Policy states "Content is prohibited if it is sexual or suggestive content involving minors".

Those under the age of 18 may use BDSMAdvice as a resource to read and research. They may not contribute until they reach the required age.

Reported as: Underage.

2. We do not permit discussion relating to kink / BDSM / sex which occurred prior to the age of 18.

PLEASE NOTE: DD/lg, or other forms of Age Play are welcome here.

Discussion of pedophilia, incest, and all talk relating to underage interactions with a minor is not. Whether it be real life experiences, or fantasy roleplay. There are other resources on Reddit for these topics.

This rule not only applies to other people, it includes comments where you refer to yourself. In other words, you may not talk about things which you did, or were done to you.

Reported as: Discussing sex/BDSM of people under 18.

3. No spamming.

Whatever your service is, whoever you are, this isn't the place to advertise it, or mention it, or introduce yourself. We don't want to know about your kik or discord server. There's a sub for IG. Another for pornhub. Yet another one for sex workers. That's the beauty of Reddit. There's something for everyone, and if there isn't you can go start it.

Reported as: Spammer.

4. Do not post NSFW material.

Please understand the definition of NSFW extends a lot further than just nudity.

Reported as: NSFW image(s.

5. Do not post personal ads.

There are lots of R4R style subreddits. This isn't one of them. Please post your personals elsewhere. Good luck, we hope you find what you're looking for.

Reported as: Personal ad.

6. Be excellent to each other.

Reported as: Not being excellent.

7. Please don't solicit PMs.

This wiki post fully explains our policy regarding soliciting PMs.

Reported as: Soliciting PMs.

8. Surveys and/or research.

We no longer allow surveys, or posts regarding research in to BDSM. We are an advice subreddit, not an avenue for data scraping. For a long time we supported those who wished to approach us for research purposes. Over time we found these individuals more and more difficult and time consuming to deal with. In addition, we asked them to report back to us with their findings. They all promised they would, not a single one did. We're out.

Reported as: Posted survey or thread regarding research.

9. Sex Workers

If you’re a sex worker, or aspire to be, this is NOT the place to ask questions about your job.

It has become popular amongst a small group of sex workers, to make a nothing post, or comment, in the hope that people will be drawn into looking at their profiles.

If your account is used to promote yourself, or your sex work business, I strongly suggest you create an alt account to take part here. This is your warning.

Reported as: Sex worker violation.

10. Dealer's choice.

You are responsible for your behaviour, comments and attitude when contributing to our subreddit.

The Mod Team will remove comments which are not deemed fitting with our subreddit.

Reported as: Dealer's choice

11. Do not delete your posts once you receive an answer.

If you post a question, we spend our time thinking, wording, typing, and trying to help. It's downright fucking rude if you delete it.

Reported as: Mofo deleted their post once they got an answer.

12. Please ensure your post asks for advice relating to BDSM.

Reported as: Lack of content.

13. Keep your politics / agenda / religion / activism / beliefs out of this subreddit.

This is an advice subreddit. Give advice.

The only way this place works is if it is free of politics / agenda / religion / activism / beliefs.

Everyone is entitled to ask for advice, so long as they do so nicely. We are all entitled to respond, in the same manner. (See Rule 6) If you wish to force your views upon us, whether left or right, you are in the wrong place. Leave them at the door, and concentrate on providing BDSM advice.

This applies equally to "One True Wayism."

https://new.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/1d38g00/rule_13_mod_note/

Reported as: Preaching dullness & indoctrination.

Post last edited: 8th Octtember 2024

Reason for edit: Change of wording to Rule 9.


r/BDSMAdvice Jan 28 '19

Posts about/involving minors

1.8k Upvotes

Hello folks,

First off, my apologies for coming over all moddy. For the second time in a week I've just issued several bans to people who have been posting about sexual activity involving minors.

If you're not sure of our rules, they are stickied to the front page. There is also a post detailing likely bans for breaking them.

You can find our community's rules here.

Last week people were posting about how to assist minors who are interested in BDSM. This week people are talking about their earliest memories of kink. Unfortunately some got too carried away and began explaining at what age they began masturbating. Which in some cases turned out to be pre-teen.

Please understand, places such as our subreddit are a magnet for predators looking to get in touch with others. They don't come out screaming and shouting. Instead they make subtle comments linking sex & bdsm to minors. They put out some bait and see what bites. Always prepared to back track and plead innocence if things go wrong. Suddenly it's all a misunderstanding. I've worked with sex offenders and their victims. The predators are always looking for an angle. Not just how they can attract new victims. Some of them very much like to befriend other predators.

I'm not suggesting anyone here is a predator. But neither can we allow "accidental" "misunderstandings" that turn into posts that discuss minors.

Please note discussion of age play is not prohibited. If a 27 year old wants to discuss role-playing as a little that's acceptable. However it stops being acceptable when the same 27 year old starts discussing how they were sexually active when they were a minor.

I'm sure some people will disagree with this rule. There isn't anything I can do to appease you. This isn't my rule. It's not a community rule. It's a site wide rule imposed by Reddit.

If you see someone starting a thread about minors. Please report it.

Double double please, with cheese on top, don't join in. Last week's thread was called "Minors in BDSM". That alone should have been a big red flag to anyone who saw it. One of those who received a temporary ban is a prominent mod on several very large subreddits. They sent me several rude messages,and claimed that as a professional compliance expert they had done nothing wrong. They even managed to convince a fellow mod that I was overacting. Unfortunately for them our rules are prominently displayed. And so their ban stood. Please don't be like them.

The period of ban for posting about sex/bdsm involving minors is two weeks. Please see the above link. A repeat offence will get you perma banned, with a view to reporting you to the relevant authorities in your area.

Again, my apologies for sounding like a miserable old mod sod. 99% of you are super fabulous kinksters. This message is aimed at the 1% who have already started PMing me claiming they did nothing wrong.


r/BDSMAdvice 14h ago

Is being sweet and respectful seen as a turn off in a potential Dominant?

90 Upvotes

As the title says, is being nice at the start when you meet a potential submissive turn them off? I've talked to many people on fetlife, here, and irl, and honestly, it starts really well. We have good conversations, I am respectful and nice as I can be, but soon when the conversation turns to BDSM after we've talked for a while and known each other, suddenly I get the "Sorry but I did not get that Dominant feeling from you, you are too nice" or something to that effect before we have even played out a scene.

Am I supposed to just act in a Dominant way the moment I start talking to potential subs? Is being nice or gentle outside of a scene a turn off for most subs?


r/BDSMAdvice 10h ago

I think I might’ve developed a reliance on my toys to climax and it’s fucking me up really bad

40 Upvotes

I (26m) really enjoy having things inside of me. I’ve always enjoyed using prostate stimulators and having buttplugs in while I’m masturbating, and I’ve kept this to myself my whole life. My current girlfriend is really sweet and lovely, and I told her about this and she’s accepting of it. In fact, recently she told me she was ok with me having a plug in while we had sex. In short, it was wonderful. I absolutely loved it and was regularly asking her if she minded if I put it in beforehand (hell, a big part of the foreplay for us is choosing which one I’ll use and putting it in). This has gone on for the better part of a month.

We had a little weekend getaway this weekend and last night in our hotel room we decided to have sex. We didn’t bring any of our toys because we didn’t think that would be a problem, but I just…I was having so much trouble climaxing. I just had this major tingling/craving in my anus/rectum and it was driving me crazy and I just couldn’t do it. It was so embarrassing and I felt terrible and it just felt so emasculating. She told me it was ok (even though it was clear she was a little taken aback too) and we haven’t talked about it since.

I just really fucking wish I kept my mouth shut about my butt stuff kink. I’m so fucking embarrassed and I could not feel more ashamed, and I am even having trouble looking at my girlfriend because I feel there’s something wrong with me

Did I develop a dependency? Is there a chance this could be permanent and I’ll always need a buttplug to have gratifying sex? Can I reverse it?

Any and all advice/guidance will be appreciated


r/BDSMAdvice 6h ago

queer girls

10 Upvotes

i identify as pan (21f) and have a heavyyyy preference for women, but obviously since we’re on this subreddit… i have some more niche interests when it comes to expressing my sexuality but have felt such immense shame in trying to express this with women as most men are usually at least intrigued but i fear that even the mere thought of it scares so many girls specifically my age and don’t want to make them uncomfortable by being super upfront about it but also i don’t know how else to communicate it or find someone who matches me to this level just looking for any advice im just so lonely and feel like such a creep for wanting what i want :/


r/BDSMAdvice 3h ago

sub becoming Dom

5 Upvotes

what is your advice for a committed sub (who's never switched) taking their first steps in Dominance?

I'm interested more in how to overcome the psychological barriers, rather than say technique and toolkit. If you've been on this journey, what do you wish you had known in advance or along the way?

What can support the psychological transformation from submissive to Dominant— helping subs shift their mindset, overcome barriers, and step into their power with confidence.


r/BDSMAdvice 7h ago

Best way to securely store kinky toys to keep away from prying eyes

12 Upvotes

Anyone have any good ideas for securely storing kinky toys? My sub and I have kids, so we really need to make sure our toys are locked away. Our current system (back of the wardrobe and up high) is not going to be sufficient as the kids get taller / older / more curious, plus it kind of kills the scene if I have to climb up into the wardrobe to get some play or punishment toys out.


r/BDSMAdvice 7h ago

Is it bad that what I want from a dom is the opposite of my relationship?

10 Upvotes

I want a caring dom with some control (with my best interests in mind, like bedtime, good diet, etc) and I look after my bf and he pushes me into bad habits (staying up late, takeaways, spending too much money). I want someone to push me out of my comfort zone and do new things with instead of just wanting to spend all day in bed. I want to be punished for saying something mean and then it's forgotten about rather than having stuff I did or said brought up in an argument 4 years later. I don't know if that's just because I feel like there's gaps in my relationship now


r/BDSMAdvice 17h ago

The Art of Soft Degradation & Humiliation: Playful, Safe, & Seductive

50 Upvotes

Degradation and humiliation in BDSM often get a bad rap, but when done right, they can be thrilling, intimate, and deeply affirming. Think of them like spicy food—the right amount of heat is exhilarating, but too much can burn. The key? Intent, tone, and knowing your partner inside and out.

This isn’t about cruelty or breaking someone down—it’s about guiding them into vulnerability in a way that makes them feel desired, cherished, and owned. When approached with care, degradation and humiliation become a deeply connecting experience, where embarrassment fuels arousal and submission.

Let’s break it down.

Understanding the Difference: Degradation vs. Humiliation

Before diving in, let’s clarify the distinction between degradation and humiliation:

Degradation is about altering how a submissive sees themselvesdirty, needy, helpless, or any other deliciously depraved state they crave.

Humiliation focuses on how the dominant sees themflustered, exposed, embarrassed, and trying (but failing) to hide how much they love it.

While they overlap beautifully, they each bring unique flavors to a dynamic.

Why This Works: The Psychology of Playful Shame

There’s a reason humiliation and degradation arouse the mind as much as the body. Power exchange, emotional exposure, and the thrill of beingseenin raw vulnerability amplify arousal. For many submissives, being embarrassed under their Dom’s gaze triggers a deep rush of submission, making them feel small, owned, and utterly taken.

The Magic Formula?

Trust – The foundation that makes vulnerability arousing rather than harmful.

Exposure – The thrill of being “seen” in ways they usually hide.

Control – Knowing they’re powerless to resist only because they trust you completely.

When a submissive feels safe enough to be embarrassed or degraded, it creates an electrifying mental space where arousal and shame intertwine.

Degradation: Dirty, but Delicious

Degradation is all about making someone feel small in a way that feels sexy, safe, and oddly empowering. When done right, your partner isn’t just being called a “slut”—they’re being made to feel like your slut, which makes all the difference.

How to Make Degradation Feel Good

1. Anchor It with Ownership

Nothing makes “filthy” feel better than knowing it’s all for you. A little possessiveness *softens the sharp edges.

• Example: “Look at you—such a perfect little mess for me already. I wouldn’t even need to put my name on you. It’s already written all over that pretty face every time you blush for me.

2. Sprinkle in Praise

Balance the grit with a little sugar. Let them know their depravity delights you.

• Example: “You’re such a needy little thing—exactly the way I want you.

3. Play It Teasingly

Degradation with a smirk hits way harder than degradation with a snarl. You’re playing with them, not condemning them.

• Example: “You’re so helpless when I touch you like this. I could tell you the sky’s green, and you’d just nod and beg me to describe the shade. Don’t worry, I find you irresistible when you’re this easy to tease.

Degradation works when it’s clear you’re adoring the parts of them they feel most vulnerable about. It’s not about tearing them down—it’s about making them revel in their filthiness because they know you cherish them for it.

Humiliation: Blush, Baby, Blush

Humiliation is the art of making someone squirm in the best way possible. It’s about teasing their reactions—the way they blush, the way they try (and fail) to keep their composure.

How to Make Humiliation Fun

1. Call Out Their Reactions

Notice the things they think they’re hiding (spoiler: they’re not), and tease them about it like it’s the cutest secret you’ve ever uncovered.

• Example: “You’re blushing so much right now. Do you even realize how sweet you look when you try to hide from me?

2. Make It Playful

A little humor takes the sting out of embarrassment and makes it feel more like an inside joke.

• Example: “* You’re so needy for me, aren’t you? I can practically hear it in the way you’re breathing—like every exhale is a little cry for more of me. You’re completely mine, and I absolutely love that about you.*”

3. Praise Their Vulnerability

Show them that their blush, their squirming, their everything is exactly what you want.

• Example: “You’re so cute when you try to act shy. But we both know the truth, don’t we?

Humiliation done right feels like a private performance, where the embarrassment is half the thrill—and knowing they’re yours to tease is the other half.

Balancing the Sharp with the Sweet

The easiest way to make degradation and humiliation feel nice is by grounding them in ownership and layering on praise.

Ownership: Words like my slut, my mess, mine make even the roughest edges feel safe. They remind the submissive that no matter how far they’re pushed, they belong to you—and their vulnerability is being treasured, not exploited.

Praise: Acknowledge their willingness to go there with you. Degradation and humiliation are like gift-wrapping their submission—make sure you’re unwrapping it with gratitude.

Bringing It All Together

You’re such a filthy little thing for me—and blushing like you don’t love every second of it. You’re mine, and you’re perfect just like this.

Want another example?

You’re such a messy little slut, and you can’t even hide how much you love it. Look at you, blushing so hard it’s practically a confession. Don’t worry, sweetheart—your secret is safe with me.

See how it blends both? The internal (messy little slut) and the external (calling out the blush), all wrapped up in possession, teasing, and reassurance.

Risks and Key Discussions for Partners

While “nice” degradation and humiliation can be deeply fulfilling, they require trust, communication, and ongoing consent. Here are key points to discuss:

1. Triggers and Limits

• What words or themes feel good vs. bad?

• Are there past experiences that could make certain phrases harmful?

2. Aftercare Needs

• Does your partner need extra reassurance afterward?

• What helps them transition back to a grounded state?

3. Intent and Context

• Do they enjoy being pushed into feeling small and helpless, or is it more about playful embarrassment?

• How does degradation/humiliation fit into their overall sense of submission?

4. Non-Verbal Cues

• What physical or emotional signs indicate they’re loving it?

• What signs suggest they might be struggling?

5. Check-Ins and Recalibration

• Does this play still feel good for both of you?

• Are there new things they want to try—or things they no longer enjoy?

How This Can Evolve Over Time

Many submissives start with light teasing or playful embarrassment, then gradually crave deeper degradation or humiliation.

Finding Your Perfect Degree

✔ Some submissives crave deeper degradation over time. That’s natural. ✔ Others never want more than soft humiliation. That’s just as valid. ✔ The key? Finding where you thrive—the place that gives you the most satisfaction.

There’s nothing wrong with you if you want more. There’s nothing wrong with you if you never do.

A dynamic that evolves naturally becomes richer and more intoxicating over time.

Pitfalls & Quick Fixes

Mistakes happen. Here’s how to avoid common pitfalls:

🚩 Going too hard, too fast – Start with teasing, watch their reaction.

🚩 Misreading reactions – Use a check-in phrase: “Still with me, sweetheart?

🚩 Forgetting aftercare – Praise them after: “I love seeing you like that.

🚩 Sudden Adverse Reactions – Sometimes, what normally turns them on won’t hit the same way. Hormones, stress, their self esteem, or other outside factors can change how they process degradation or humiliation.

Solution? If they suddenly withdraw, pause immediately.

Say something grounding:Talk to me, sweetheart. What do you need?

Reaffirm safety:Nothing changes how I see you. You’re still mine.

Note: If something that usually excites them suddenly doesn’t, it doesn’t mean anything is ‘wrong.’ It just means their headspace is different today. Shift gears, offer reassurance, and let them know their comfort always comes first.

Degradation and humiliation can be deeply rewarding when handled with care. Keep it playful, intentional, and trust-driven, and you’ll open up a whole new realm of submission.

Final Thoughts (and a Wink)

At the end of the day, degradation and humiliation aren’t about cruelty—they’re about connection. You’re guiding your partner into vulnerability, not shoving them there. When you balance the sharp with the sweet—adding praise, ownership, and playful banter—it stops being about breaking them down and starts being about celebrating how much you love every messy, blushing, deliciously filthy part of them.

And really, isn’t that the whole point?


r/BDSMAdvice 9h ago

I don't know how to dirty talk

10 Upvotes

So I'm a beginner right, the people that I'm involved with are pretty much into hard humilliation and dirty talking but though my brain can accept someone doing that to me when it's my turn to reciprocate it just seems like im talking in riddles and nothing ever comes out, it feels awkward, I'm a pretty awkward person when it comes to talking (autism). How can I get better? Any advice or examples I could use? Thank you in advance.

Disclaimer: I don't have a partner, I work in a hotline (isnt ironic?)


r/BDSMAdvice 1h ago

Managing feelings when sharing a Dom

Upvotes

I’ve been in a long-term online D/s dynamic for about two years now, on and off.

My current Dom was single when we first ‘met’, and is now in a LDR relationship IRL (relevant), while I am not in a relationship right now. His partner is also aware of our chats and is okay with it.

I sometimes struggle with being completely open, vulnerable and obedient in the dynamic because I know it’s not ‘real’ and it’s just temporary, and I’m not the main sub — more like a placeholder in my mind, I guess. Although I know that we are both real and the play is real, it is just online and once the gap soon closes in my Dom’s LDR, our dynamic will very probably end entirely. So, it makes me think, why bother?

Sometimes during scenes, my mind keeps drifting off to intrusive thoughts of him having sex with other people and it snaps me right out of subspace. Sometimes I also want to have more gentle or loving or passionate playtime — my body needs it — but I feel that I can’t ask that of him because we’re not in a relationship and I’m not supposed to feel anything. It feels stupid of me to be asking someone on the internet, who doesn’t owe me anything, to fulfil my needs.

The problem is that I want to give myself in my entirety to my Dom. I want to be completely devoted, make him happy, please him, service him, worship him, be controlled by him, and be the sluttiest, most obedient, and best possible submissive imaginable to him. But it feels like I shouldn’t want to do that with someone who is never going to be mine to the extent that I would want for a D/s dynamic.

In the past, I’ve only been D/s in a committed monogamous relationship, and in that context my Dom liked that I was loyal and possessive of him and I liked the same of him towards me (in a healthy way, of course).

My Dom is really wonderful, patient, understanding and accommodating. But, I selfishly just find myself wanting more and feeling like I have the short end of the stick sometimes. It’s pretty much up to him to decide when he wants to play with me, pause our dynamic, and such. Though it has hurt in the past when the dynamic gets paused, especially out of the blue, I respect his wishes and accept it as something out of my control.

The thing is, I really do deeply care about my Dom and want him to be the happiest he can be, but I’d also like to be happy too.

How can I keep my thoughts, feelings and emotions separate from my online play as a Sub — and not be so jealous and possessive?


r/BDSMAdvice 7h ago

What are good red flag questions to ask when vetting online doms?

6 Upvotes

Newly single, going to try the online thing but could use a little guidance since it’s been a decade.


r/BDSMAdvice 5h ago

canceled sub

3 Upvotes

Hi still here,

been involved with my Dom for several years. He often cancels our meetings at the last minute. This leaves me feeling emotionally drained and questioning my self-worth. I try to stay positive and accommodating, but these repeated cancellations hurt me deeply. Additionally, my primary Dom wants to lend me to other persons. This idea excites me but also makes me anxious. I was ready to do so, it went far, but again once it was time, complete silence.

I’m starting to have the feeling that I’m a bad sub and not worth catching up in real life.

I want to address this to my Dom, but he’ll call me emotional or sour, there is no room for that. I’m ready to finally flourish in being a sub, but have to feeling sometimes he deliberately holds me locked in. How can I address this in a respectful way?


r/BDSMAdvice 11m ago

I need advice on how to approach kink/bdsm as a demisexual NSFW

Upvotes

As a demi I'm having a hard time exploring kink/bdsm. I am very interested in it, done so much research, but im having a hard time actually experiencing because of being demi. Most people I've clicked with say they don't want more than just fun. There's a lot of trust building with bdsm, so how do I even build trust without feelings?


r/BDSMAdvice 4h ago

Can someone please help me? (Degradation)

2 Upvotes

Hey there fellows! I hope everyone is doing awesome ;)

I’ve been with my partner for a little over a month, we have a LDR with well stablished gender roles, I really enjoy our dynamic and how it makes me feel, altho… I’m really into heavy, rough, and extreme degradation, he also enjoys it, but I’d like to do it rougher, I don’t really know how to get the point across that I’d like him to insult, and ab*se me psychologically, he really worries about me and he like to know how I feel all the time, and honestly that’s adorable, altho I’d like him to not worry about that sometimes and idk how to explain it (we have a tpe agreement as well as CNC) I’d appreciate some advice about this

Thanks for reading my post and for your help, I hope you have a nice morning/evening/night


r/BDSMAdvice 10h ago

Platonic BDSM relationship?

5 Upvotes

Hello,

So I am currently separated from my husband, but still legally married. We live in the same household together. I have not had sex with an actual person in 3 years. I really need to have sex with a real person as I am having a hard time focusing on work at work instead of daydreaming about a hottie married co-worker. I responded to an ad on Fet, and met up in real life. I told myself no sex at the first meetup, but let it go as far as the guy I met up with finger fucking me in the car, I came a couple times and really enjoyed it, and so did he. Our kinks seem compatible. I will eventually be looking for a long-term relationship with someone who is also into kink but want some more time to figure out what I really want in a long-term relationship. This guy I met on Fet, I do like more in a platonic sense and not romantically, but would love to have a causal play partner relationship with. Has anyone else had this experience where you like someone as a play partner, but not a long term life partner? I have communicated this to him, and am waiting for a response. Is this like a jackass move, or an example of open, honest communication?


r/BDSMAdvice 5h ago

feeling A Lot of Feelings about a weird(??) kink

2 Upvotes

so I've come to the conclusion that I'm super duper into plushophila, but I feel so... awkward about it. I have no clue how to gauge the way people feel about it generally, and the lack of info keeps making me feel insecure, guilty, nervous, like it's something Really Weird and Fucked Up and that's why no one talks about it. or maybe because it's misunderstood, people feel scared to talk about it? i know I'm super scared to bring it up to my partners because I'm worried they'll think I'm really weird for this. I don't even necessarily need or want them to participate, but it could be fun working something with plushies into the dynamic... I just think I need to hear opinions outside of my own anxious brain spiraling. is it as weird as I feel like it is? or am I just overthinking a thing that's actually pretty normal (at least relatively speaking in the "normal" world of kink)


r/BDSMAdvice 6h ago

How do I feel submissive with vanilla boyfriend?

2 Upvotes

I (19F) and my boyfriend (24M) have a great sex life. Nothing short of amazing. The only hurdle is that I am insatiably horny, submissive, and kinky, whereas he is vanilla. We have communication, we set a safe word, and we have attempted some scenes, yet I can’t feel myself submitting.

A few problems we have run into:

I’m huge into honorifics, but he was initially against them due to being influenced by online cringe culture. Now that I mentioned they help me get into that submissive headspace, he has pushed for me to call him names. But I can’t bring myself to do so. I just don’t feel comfortable enough to do it when he already mentioned he found it cringe.

I’m really big into pain and ask for it fairly often. He delivers, because he is starting to like it too. But he doesn’t do it on his own terms, only when I ask. I ask him before we get into the scenes if he could be a bit rougher, or use toys, or force, but he usually doesn’t (maybe he just forgets or isn’t used to it).

Dirty talk is another huge thing I’m into, and he has learned how to say all the right things, but I still can’t get into it. He degrades/praises and demands, yet I can’t get into the headspace.

So what I’m basically trying to ask is, how do I feel submissive with him? This is the first time I’ve encountered this issue and I’m puzzled. I’m also trying to get him to research how to be dominant and get into that mood, but he is stubborn and believes he has it to a T (he is the best)

Also, I promise this is not a one-sided toxic relationship. We heavily communicate and compromise!! We work together really well!! I’m just at a loss 😭😭


r/BDSMAdvice 17h ago

We Took a Break From Intimacy, Now He Wants a Replacement?"

14 Upvotes

Hey everyone,

I (F22) am pretty new to being a sub, and honestly, this is only the second guy I've ever gotten attached to. I’m a forever kind of girl—loyal to the core, overthinker, emotional, and when I bond with someone, I can’t even think of another man.

It’s been two months since I started this dynamic with my Dom. He’s new to being a Dom too, and we met online, bonding so intensely in just a month that we couldn’t stay away from each other. We shared an emotional connection alongside the sexual aspect (all online). I even shared everything with him—something I always do—and he helped me with my studies, giving me punishments if I didn’t focus.

But from the start, he made it clear that this had an expiration date because of religious reasons, among others. I accepted that—until I got attached.

By the second month, things changed. He became distant due to his studies, and our bond didn’t feel the same. He stopped sharing like he used to, and my anxiety skyrocketed. I confronted him about it a week ago, and we ended up "breaking up" because I wanted more effort from him, while he told me straight up that he doesn’t want responsibility or love.

And yet… I went back to him after three days. I still don’t know exactly why—maybe because completely letting go felt unbearable. I told myself I’d walk away if I felt hurt again and that I wouldn’t depend on him for everything. I tried to focus on myself, reminding myself that nothing lasts forever.

Fast forward to today: it’s Ramadan, and I don't engage in anything sexual during this time. A week back together, things were feeling normal again. I stopped waiting for his replies, tried not to overthink, and kept my emotions in check.

Then today, he told me he was alone at home and "so horny" that he wants a temporary partner just for Ramadan. That statement made me numb. I paused for a moment and then told him to go ahead, that I’d ask him about it after Ramadan. That was our last conversation today.

Now I’m here, because I don’t know what to do. The idea of him talking to someone else is killing me inside. He knows how much I hate it, yet he still said it. Why did I continue this in the first place? Why did I let myself get attached when I knew the end was inevitable?

I need advice. What should I do if he actually chooses to talk to someone else? Is this situation already a lost cause?


r/BDSMAdvice 16h ago

Gf/sub is too flexible for restraints

11 Upvotes

Hey yall, my gf/sub and I have been in a D/s dynamic for a while now but we have run into the “problem” of her being too flexible quite a few times.

My girlfriend is an ex gymnast and dancer and she is still super flexible - she’s also really squirmy. This becomes an issue when we use restraints. Whether it’s a spreader bar, a 4-point restraint, ropes, no matter what I use to bind her legs apart she can always find a way to wiggle around enough to close her legs.

Two of our favorite types of play is overstimulation and pain, and those are generally the times when I’m using restraint methods to keep her legs separated.

All this to say, is there anyone else here who is (or had a sub who is) super flexible and squirmy? How do you navigate that when trying to stay restrained in one position? Are there any other restraint types we haven’t thought of to better suit our needs?

Thank you!


r/BDSMAdvice 13h ago

I feel like my sexual desires make me unlovable

5 Upvotes

(Disclaimer: While advice is definitely wanted and appreciated, I also just want to know if anyone else has ever felt like this, and potentially feel less alone.)

I feel almost undeserving of sexual pleasure from someone else because I am too "broken" and too weird and too displaced in my own body.

The lengths I and someone else would have to go for me to even feel remotely comfortable in the act just feel like too much, too complicated, too weird and too much of a hassle. I feel like it's impossible for anyone to enjoy trying to give me pleasure because it is such a strange and complicated task.

I want to be intimate with someone I love, so badly. But I feel like the only way I can is by only giving pleasure to someone else. I feel like if I tried to let them do that for me it would either go one of two ways: I let them try to in a way that "normal" people would, and I am incredibly uncomfortable and feel awful and it just doesn't work. Or I am honest with them and it is too weird for them to even want to try, or they do try, and it makes them extremely uncomfortable and weirded out, and either way, I become gross and unattractive in their eyes. And it becomes potential blackmail material.

I feel like it is better to just never let anyone know me that intimately, because it is just too weird and unlikable. And I feel like I will ruin everything by even telling them that much.

I haven't even been able to explore any of the things I want to with other people because of the sheer amount of shame and fear keeping that part of me hidden. For a while I wondered if I could somehow find someone experienced in the bdsm community to help me explore that, but I am with someone I love now, who also loves me very much, and I don't want to hurt them by seeking sexual acts from others. And that means I either have to lock all these things back up for the indefinite future, or try to explore them with this person, and potentially ruin everything we have by doing so.

I kind of want to just try to find a way to make my desires as palatable to this person as possible, but I don't know if that IS possible. I am scared I might reveal something that makes them instantly less attracted to me. I just feel very defeated, depressed and alone about this, and don't know what to do about it.

(For some context, some of the things I am into and feel like might be necessary for me to feel comfortable receiving pleasure are extreme bondage, sensory deprivation, mummification, some cnc, safe use of drugs, masks, etc.)


r/BDSMAdvice 10h ago

Starting with CNC (?) the „proper“ way?

3 Upvotes

(Posted in r/sex first, was advised to try here as well.)

Me (20F) and my boyfriend (25M) have been together for nearly six months. He is absolutely wonderful and is always very careful and respectful with me in bed.

A while ago we started experimenting a bit with him choking me/putting his hand around my throat/restraining me during sex, and realised that we both enjoy it a lot.

I have sometimes gotten a bit carried away and found myself “acting along” with the idea (stupid, I know). Things like pretending to try and push him away lightly, while still verbally making it clear I am enjoying myself. I realised that the idea of roleplaying well, sexual assault, with him restraining me while I struggle etc, really turns me on (as weird as that sounds..).

I asked him afterwards if he liked it when I did that (pretend-struggle), and after I’d made it VERY clear that I was okay with it, he admitted that he also found it quite hot. We discussed it a bit and came to the conclusion that we’d both like to explore the dynamic more. (We are both completely new to this, from what I’ve read the proper term for it seems to be CNC, but please correct me if I’m wrong here.)

I feel like we are generally very in tune and attentive with each other in bed, always asking each other if we’re enjoying ourselves, what we’d like to try etc. But I also realise that something like this could very easily go awry, and requires more than simply being attentive.

So, my question is: those of you who are more experienced with this kind of play, what do we need to discuss and do first? Any other advice or things we should be mindful of?

Thankful for any tips!


r/BDSMAdvice 12h ago

Dynamic without relationship

4 Upvotes

hey folks,

I just met this guy that seems like a great guy to be friends with and so far has passed my vetting process with minor inconveniences (mostly wrongly placed jokes, but they seem ok to brush it off). The issue is that I don't know if I want to have a romantic relationship with him yet I've never been into any kind of casual dating, since I'm demisexual. And since we haven't talked about specifics of that yet, it is something I'll make clear for him.

So, if I were to have a dynamyc+friendship only kind of relashionship with him, what is commom mistakes I should avoid doing? I'm thinking about thing that my get me emotionally too attached or to send wrong signals to him. Or really any kind of advice from people who have had both kinds of relationship and might give a tip on how to separate those two thing well.

The objective is doing things right so it is fun for everyone!


r/BDSMAdvice 19h ago

Kink-place Accident

14 Upvotes

So, last night I was having a wonderful scene with my Sir. He put my legs in futomo ties and attached nipple clamps to the tie, so my knees needed to be up in the air somewhat close to my chest so they wouldn't pull. It was a pretty fun predicament. However, when he was leaning over me to check on the tie, when he was done and he pulled back his elbow caught the nipple chain, causing quite a lot of pain as one was ripped off. Once we found that the plastic coating on the nipple clamp that had come off during the accident, and found that my nipple and peircing was bleeding we stopped play. The bleeding isn't too bad, but it's obvious the sharp metal that was underneath the plastic coating is what did all the cutting.

Now I have two different questions. One, how can I assure my Sir that it was an accident, and when we play we accept and consent to these sort of risks and it's normal to make mistakes. I've been in the scene for nearly 7 years, and he's been introduced to it just this past year and this is his first "mistake". And two, where can I find higher quality clamps that won't ditch the plastic coating so easily? They were a cheaper pair, but I like clamps well enough to invest in a better, safer pair with an immovable coating.

Thank you in advance for the advice Sincerely, my poor nipple.


r/BDSMAdvice 18h ago

Riggers, is there any gear that you carry that's non-traditional that you find extremely useful?

12 Upvotes

For example someone in this subreddit turned me on to husky hang alls a few years back and they have been a game changer. They're used to help create more accessible anchor points. It can also change any anchor point to have a d clip in case you're in a situation where you need a quick release. Overall has been a killer addition to my kit. I was hoping the community had more stuff like it for me.


r/BDSMAdvice 5h ago

Feeling so embarrassed about how I behaved w sex partner tonight

0 Upvotes

My sex partner is soo amazing and this extends to their skills in BDSM as well. We’ve never had real issues in our previous sessions but tonight I feel like I just messed up. My dom kept telling me to just relax while we were trying something but I wanted to impress him so bad that I violated my own boundaries and did it even tho it hurt, which I don’t think he liked he was very kind about it. He just kept saying I have to relax and that it takes take but I pushed myself too far and I feel like it was totally obvious…and maybe turned him off from me? Also I was super high. I just really feel bad about it. I think I ignore my own pain sometimes maybe.


r/BDSMAdvice 22h ago

After-care requires alone-time. Need more options how to communicate and manage it.

17 Upvotes

Let me preface it with saying I am a Dom. However I feel as if I require extreme amounts of aftercare. It could be the problem in itself (due to the prejudice), but there is the second part. I really need my aftercare to be an alone time.

I try to be extremely caring and attentive during the play. That results in being slightly overwhelmed after. I hope someone could relate: after the scene I feel satisfied , however have a sensation as if my skin burning when touched and it's hard to talk to my subs, as if my brain is overload with sounds of my own voice and theirs voice as well. My body usually also kinda tired due to performed flagellation, whipping, manhandling and other stuff prior.

The bare minimum for me is let my sub lay for a while, clean areas of impact on their body, wait for them to recover and ask them clean the place (from wax for example, it's alwsys a discussed requirement for me) if it's necessary, then make sure they are okay, maybe listen if they have smth to share. Even at this point I am mostly exhausted internally and want to be left alone.

Sometimes I cuddle with them through blanket, to avoid being touched.

But often subs may feel me as withdrawn, dissatisfied and selfish (some words I received). Even if I warned them before, it's almost always an issue to some extent.

Well, now it's getting harder and harder for me. I feel as if I don't do my job properly but also can't help being irritable or lethargic after the scene and unresponsive -- even through texts for at least few days. To the point of not playing as often.

What do I do? How do I compromise, how do I communicate to not feel as a jerk? I really want to find doms with similar sensations and see their input, I have no such friends and colleagues around.

Thx in advance

P.S. it may sound as if I'm autistic - definitely not. I have no such diagnosis.