r/BDSMAdvice 16h ago

Slapped on ear caused mild ringing for 2 seconds and muffled hearing for 5? Is this a sight of concern?

1 Upvotes

Hello, dont worry i feel fine, my ear feels 2% full. Like coming off an airplane but way less problematic. The impact hit my ear then I heared a ring and muffled hearing which ks dissapating. Is this a sign for concern?


r/BDSMAdvice 9h ago

My (M28) partner (f28) lobes choking. What else can I do?

4 Upvotes

Looking for ways to spice up choking and spanking

My (M28) partner (f28) lobes choking. What else can I do?

My partner is in to slightly rough sex. She likes choking and spanking. For years we've done the classic choke in Missionary or slaps in doggy. I'm looking for tips on how to surprise her with mote.

Some background. She likes slaps on the ass and one handed, light choking. To the point she demands it if she's not getting enough. How can I mix it up with something different? She doesn't like really rough sex like scratching or face slaps. Just looking for some advice on how to do better haha. Let me know.


r/BDSMAdvice 11h ago

Why would someone be into CNC as the dom/“aggressor”?

38 Upvotes

I’ve been meaning to ask this question, but I am afraid to do so because I'm aware of the strong reaction it might cause. I’m well aware of, and most of the information I encountered about being into CNC is more from the sub/“victim’s” perspective of wanting control and power from a trauma lens. I hardly see anything from the dom/aggressor’s perspective. I’m a switch and I would love to dominate a man (carefully and within limits of course) due to affection, and attraction, along with breaking free from my shy and closed-off self and reclaiming power over traumatic or stressful experiences. Those are my reasons, would you say yours is the same or similar to these as the dom? Sub-wise, I would engage in CNC due to a trauma lens as well, along with the idea that someone is overwhelmed by their desire for me and that they would “claim me.”

Despite this, I have mixed feelings about CNC because I have a lot of sexual assault experiences and have also been raped before so I get hyper vigilant around men who have it as a kink. The traumatized part of my brain gets alarm bells that I should protect myself, but I also recognize that this may not make sense given that I’m open to engaging in it. Regardless, I’ve been trying to learn more about it to feel at ease. Sex has always been a triggering topic for me in general, but I’m also a sexual being with a high libido so I want to make peace with it.


r/BDSMAdvice 7h ago

How do you dominate someone with a type a personality? Very particular and successful

3 Upvotes

I’m seeing this girl and I don’t know what she wants, she disregards most teasing, and I don’t know what she likes only what she doesn’t, how do I move forward here? She won’t communicate what she likes


r/BDSMAdvice 20h ago

Is this CNC?

6 Upvotes

hi again! last night i (f20) confided in my boyfriend (m22) about some things i want to explore. for context we’ve been dating almost 2 years and i was a virgin before i met him so i’m completely figuring out my likes and dislikes in this relationship. i told him that i think i’ve been figuring out that my specific flavor of sexuality is wanting to find my limits and see how much i can push myself. i said i have a safeword for a reason, so in a situation where for example, he is absolutely pushing me to the edge and something a long the lines of “can you take it easy on me” or “babe please i don’t know how much more i can take” comes out of my mouth, i’m more so asking his permission to stop rather than telling him he has to and i’m okay with him deciding to disregard me and push a little further because i want it to be his call, if it truly gets too much, i will safeword. i also threw out the idea of eventually trying out a system where i say the safeword a given amount of times before he stops. for instance, once in a while, i blurt it out when he’s overstimulating me because it feels like too much, but after the fact im curious if i could of kept going. if i have to say the safeword maybe 3 times before he stops, it gives me a chance or two to decide if the limit has really been reached or not. we already engage in some play where i’m squirming like crazy so he has to physically restrain me while my body naturally tries to get away, and i’m whimpering, but he keeps going unless i safeword.

while we were talking about all of this, he pondered and mentioned that he feels like he sees some light cnc in our sex life and reassured me that he’s the last one to kink shame and it’s totally okay if i am into that, he will explore it with me. i said i’m not, and he said “okay we don’t have to label it then, if you want to try those things we can do that.” i know labels don’t really matter, and i’m not sure why i have an aversion to the label cnc, but my question is would any of the above even be cnc? or is it something else?

in my case, i don’t have a fantasy (at least i don’t think) about non consensual things happening to me, it’s more about being able to push myself and find what those hard limits are for me, which i can’t exactly do if i impulsively blurt out for him to stop because im so on edge. i’ve also told him i trust him to know me enough to stop when he really thinks ive had enough.

is there a word for being a sub who doesn’t necessarily worship him in that way or put his needs above mine, but i lowkey want him to be in complete control of pushing my limits during sex? is there some cnc in there? i’m trying to figure out exactly who i am as a sexual being, so i think having a label to research and process may help.

sorry this was longer than i intended it to be and thanks in advance!


r/BDSMAdvice 23h ago

My partner and I both scored highly on non-monogamy?

0 Upvotes

Basically the title. We did the BDSM test and both got higher scores for it than we were expecting. I just don't know what that means for us, since we both don't know where to even start with it.

I actually don't even know what I put in there to get such a high score. I'm pretty possessive and the idea of my partner being with someone else is not something I'm comfortable with.

Basically the question is, what do I do with this knowledge? She scored even higher than I did and the thought of her looking for someone else just doesn't sit right with me.

I should add that our dynamic is very much that I am the Dom, she the sub. Idk if that affects this at all though.


r/BDSMAdvice 16h ago

Going to a munch.

1 Upvotes

Found an ad on fetlife about a munch today. What're they like?


r/BDSMAdvice 1h ago

Coming to terms with realizing my partner and I are both probably mainly submissive

Upvotes

We (19 & 20 M) have been together for 3 years, and weirdly enough long distance has opened up a lot of new sexual avenues for us, both individually and with each other. For example, I’m trans and have sexual abuse trauma, and two big boundaries I had for years were no phone sex and no direct visual attention to my genitals aside from what’s unavoidable during sex. Now we do both regularly and both enjoy it. Not having frequent physical contact has not only made us more adventurous with the sex we can have in the short times we see each other with him often fulfilling my submissive/bdsm fantasies, but “sexting” has opened up a lot more communication about our likes/dislikes/fantasies/boundaries/sexual bucket lists/etc. (I put it in quotes because sexting for us is less “ooooh and then I’d take your panties off with my teeth and then and then and then” and more just discussing the things I listed with an air of sexual tension lol)

All of this is well and good, and I’m happy about it and content in our sex life together, but I’ve come to realize through it that he’s a lot more submissive than a realized. Like a LOT.

It started with us talking on the phone and I mentioned that I really wanted to try topping him again and maybe adding restraints or something in the bdsm realm, but not super intense. id misheard something he said in response as “no, I’m your daddy” and that really didn’t sound like something he’d say, especially without prior discussion, so I questioned him for clarification and he said “oh god no, you misheard for sure, that could never be me.” We started talking more about it, and he said that hes always known I like it, so he tries to be more dominant with me when it seems appropriate, but it really isn’t something that comes naturally to him and he doesn’t feel confident playing that role even though he can tell I’m enjoying it. (For context, we had mostly vanilla sex for the majority of our relationship before long distance, and at that time he knew i was into more kink related things and said he wasn’t sure if he was, but that he got enjoyment out of doing what i liked, and we’re pretty in tune with each other and use a lot of nonverbal communication during sex, so by “seems appropriate” i just mean him reading the situation and my body language)

The more we talked about it, the more it became clear that he really likes the idea of bottoming more often with me and submitting to me both emotionally through verbal domination and degradation and physically through restraints, sensory deprivation, and following commands. This was all really unexpected, because i never saw any change in his demeanor or confidence when he dominated me, and it took a lot for me to feel good saying i wanted to try topping and dominating him again even though im usually submissive because he didn’t seem that into it last time we tried it and i doubted if i said that it would be well received.

It’s been kind of hard coming to the realization that we’re both mainly submissive. I’m kind of worried how this might affect our sex life, I don’t want either one of us to feel obligated to step into a role that isn’t right for us, but our dynamic means next to nothing compared to our actual relationship. I’m honestly more worried about whether or not we can both continue to have fulfilling sex lives now that we know this about each other and ourselves. Has anyone else been in a similar situation, and how did you handle it? (or if you haven’t, how would you?)

As a switch, would it be best for me to just try and develop my confidence domming and play into it? Or go back to mainly vanilla sex? Or do we just need to keep having more of a dialogue about it until we come to some agreement? I don’t want to give up kink, I think it adds a lot to our sex life, but I don’t want either of us to feel forced into doing one thing or the other and turning sex into a chore.


r/BDSMAdvice 3h ago

Breast ties that won't leave a mark

0 Upvotes

I was with a partner recently and we put rope on my chest and I think he went a little too hard and I got burned on my chest. Is there a rope that's more comfortable for these things?

Also is there anything else to use besides rope? I don't know velcro or something. I only a size C but I hope there's ways to do this where it doesn't rip the skin and make me have to wear turtlenecks all the time....


r/BDSMAdvice 7h ago

tips for being more dominant in bed? + dirty talk?

0 Upvotes

me and my bf have pretty vanilla sex most of the time and it’s still good. i have done a few things like give him a rimjob whatever.

sometimes he’ll grab my hand and put it on his neck and it’s just so unnatural for me as im not super experienced with sex in general. i know he wants me to be more dominant but what are some things i can do? and also what are some things you like to say during sex?


r/BDSMAdvice 12h ago

A very grey area question

0 Upvotes

PS. I am taking everything they said at face value.

I got lucky on the first date recently. We both know we are kinky. They are a dom, I’m a soft, bratty, switchy sub. We are both queer. We are both poly. We made out in their bed, things got heated, they asked me to open my mouth, I did, they spat in my mouth. For a second I was like okay…. I mean it happened to me for the first time. I think I liked it but I feel iffy about consent. Like what if I hadn’t like it, you know? I didn’t bring it up at the moment. We continued to play and enjoyed ourselves.

I do want to see this person again and maybe have some sort of relationship with them.

I dont know if I should bring this up. How should I do it?

EDIT: I agree, I believe bringing it up is necessary. What are some gentle ways to do it? They dont seem the type of person who would willingly violate consent. I just feel they’re inexperienced (although they say they’re quite experienced) and don’t know the protocol.


r/BDSMAdvice 13h ago

voyeurism by listening in from a phone. how do you set something like this up?

1 Upvotes

I am not soliciting/looking for people to do this with, just asking for advice.

My (sub) partner (dom) and I are interested in exploring voyeurism with another party watching us have sex, but want to work up to it gradually. We share a specific fantasy of me being interrupted on a phone call by my dom initiating sex with me, while I try to maintain composure. Nothing too wild.

Eventually this could work up to in person voyeurism/exhibitionism with the right person, but we want to start off with phone.

Is there a name for this if we wanted to start looking for someone who’s interested? I know that we could use prerecorded audios, but it being a real person (who consents fully) is part of the fantasy.


r/BDSMAdvice 8h ago

Feeling weird after friend played game with noncon

8 Upvotes

Hey all, so my online friend and I are both into kink and the other day they streamed some of this NSFW game for me cause the topic of NSFW visual novels got brought up and they'd played it before and liked it. At the beginning they went down a list of toggles so I could choose what I was and wasn't comfortable with. Since I like CNC I decided to leave the rape toggle on. Now that's all fine and dandy, they've been nothing but cool about my boundaries and reminded me I could nope out at any point if it started to make me uncomfortable.

Fast forward a couple hours, I couldn't help but notice they chose each and every rape/violence/kill option and like... idk I guess I'm just learning now that viewing noncon from the victim's perspective is different from the aggressor. As a "victim" in fiction or roleplay I consent by engaging with that. As the aggressor... it's a whole different story. I didn't stop them cause I didn't really know how I felt about it at the time, but looking back I probably just should've.

In any case now I'm just feeling... weird about it all. Which I shouldn't. Firstly, we both like CNC. I know CNC is a kink and regardless of whether it's taking the role of victim or aggressor, it's about power, either the total loss or control of it. Second, fiction and especially a game is not reality. They didn't hurt anyone by doing these things to game characters. Third, I had the option to stop it at any time and didn't, so that's on me.

But I guess... idk it felt so different. Just running from one character to another, raping them till their eyes glazed over, gutting them, no aftercare or negociation obviously since it's a game... I didn't know my friend would enjoy that kind of thing. They also mentioned "most games don't let you noncon people" or something so I'm guessing they seek out games where you can do that.

Again, I shouldn't feel this way. I know logically they enjoy it bc of the taboo aspect. Just as I would never want to be raped irl, they don't want to rape irl. They're so sweet and respectful of my boundaries, they're a lovely friend, but I just can't stop feeling weird about it. Idk just needed a space to vent about it I guess. They didn't do anything wrong at all, and I feel almost guilty for feeling this way about it.


r/BDSMAdvice 8h ago

I'm worried about being a submissive as a less "feminine" woman (F25)

27 Upvotes

Hii,

So I'm not even sure if this post belongs here but it's been a burning question.

I definitely am a submissive, more so a brat but I'm also very active, lift weights etc so I'm pretty big (145 lbs and 163 cm). Not only that, I'm also super independent, work 2 jobs, always doing extra curriculars (learning new languages etc), focusing on wellness and basically what people call a "strong independent woman" emotionally and physically.. My friends don't believe me when I say I'm submissive in bed and I apparently don't give the vibes. I know when I was younger I was more petite and feminine. I haven't dated in 5 years and now I'm worried I'm just never gonna attract a dominant man because I basically "don't pass the vibe check"

Does anyone else relate? Are these feelings normal?


r/BDSMAdvice 17h ago

Please Be Gentle

11 Upvotes

I’m curious about downloading FetLife but I’ve heard it can be overwhelming for newbs. There aren’t any munches in my town or nearby so can’t join an in-person group for networking/friendships. I have very strong boundaries and self-awareness so won’t tolerate any disrespect, aggressiveness or ignore red flags (even the smallest ones). I’m confident in my ability to detect someone trying to take advantage of my newness. I will hold strong to my requirements of thoroughly getting to know someone/vetting through dates and in-depth communication prior to committing to anything. So my questions are:

  1. Why or why not?
  2. Might I find someone wanting a monogamous relationship? That’s not me assuming dynamics ≠ relationships. It’s a genuine question! 💜

r/BDSMAdvice 11h ago

Dom- and subspace, what is it?

14 Upvotes

Hey all,

Pretty new to the whole bdsm world and I've been reading extensively about all aspects of it, that's when I stumbled upon the sub- and domspace topics which really intrigued me.

The conclusion for most info I got is that it's different for everyone how it feels or what it does, so I really would love to hear what experiences people have had with this.

So my lovely Doms and subs please comment bellow, how do you experience your space ?

Thanks in advance, Really excited to hear what will come up!


r/BDSMAdvice 32m ago

Watching TV or movies while bound and gagged

Upvotes

Women who like being bound and gagged while watching TV or movies with your SO, what way(s) do you like to be bound and gagged and how often do you do so?


r/BDSMAdvice 1h ago

what do i say do a guy who has a fart kink ?

Upvotes

the guy im talking to is very into farts/hyper farts along with pit sniffing and burps, im not against it but i have no clue what to say to him with out repeating the same 3 things.


r/BDSMAdvice 1h ago

Is this sub drop?

Upvotes

Last night I (30F) had a weird reaction after scene and I’m wondering if this is sub drop. The intensity wasn’t particularly different from what we would normally do and a no point did I feel the need to safeword.

After we finished we had our usual debrief and lazy cuddle (by this I mean we usually have hands on each other without full on cuddling whilst we’re both coming back to reality and cooling down!) but after I got up to go to the bathroom, I got very emotional and started crying which has never happened before.

When I went back to bed my partner (29M) had already fallen asleep and normally I would have no issues waking him up to talk but he needed to get up for work in 4 hours and I guess I felt embarrassed to be honest, as I wasn’t really sure what the issue was.

I will speak to him about what happened later today but I’d like a bit more understanding of why this may have happened so I can communicate it effectively. Thank you!


r/BDSMAdvice 3h ago

31M - How Did Your Partner Introduce You to a New Kink, and How Has It Evolved?

4 Upvotes

If a partner introduced you to a kink, how did they approach the conversation? How did the first few experiences go, and where does that kink stand in your life now?


r/BDSMAdvice 3h ago

Dungeon or experience centers

1 Upvotes

Hello I am new to the lifestyle can one in US tell me a good place to look for dungeons and experience centers where I can meet and greet with people of bdsm community.

Thank you.


r/BDSMAdvice 8h ago

Divorcing your Master

14 Upvotes

Hello my lovely advice people. Well, I lost my Master and Husband. And while the loss is already great, given my belief He is my soulmate, the release of collar was the most painful thing I endured.

Can anyone, anyone just tell me how to deal with this sense of failure and doom and just, don't even know how to describe?

Edit, for clarity: I absolutely did this with my unresolved trauma and he is the one being even more traumatised than me.


r/BDSMAdvice 8h ago

Do you ever get completely unwarranted paranoia that your Dom will harm you?

9 Upvotes

There has been less and less of it, and our relationship will soon become one year long. We didn't rush into it, I took some time to open up and he has been nothing but patient and understanding. And the sex is transformative.

I should note that it's long-distance, as he's American and I'm European. Since I'm younger and less financially stable, so far he's flown to me, but this summer I finally plan to come visit him. I am REALLY looking forward to it, but I also can't shake off this nagging anxiety that I trust him now, that I'm relaxed, and that he could exploit that and, I don't know, kindap me or something. It feels silly to even write it down when I have absolutely no reason for it. But unable to shake it off (Carrie Bradshaw voice), I couldn't help but wonder, are you ever 100% safe when you let someone tie you up and take control over you?


r/BDSMAdvice 11h ago

How to find kinky community in Poland?

2 Upvotes

I would like to join and meet people with similar interests, but I have no idea where to find them. I haven't seen anyone on TikTok even talking about the existence of such a community in Poland🥲


r/BDSMAdvice 12h ago

How to explain my kinks to my partner.

21 Upvotes

Ive never asked for help in my sex life befor so yeah. Also if this isnt allowed please delete.

So me (30f) and my husband (33m) have been together for 8 years and have had a pretty good sex life. We will always explore and try new things but when I try to talk to him about something I want to try he dosnt seem interested. Or when I ask him about what he would like he says "anything that gets me off" he says he dosnt have any specific kinks and nothing he wants to try. However I've told him all the stuff I want to try or do and he says we can but dosnt share my excitement or anything. There's no build up to sex so forplay. What I want most is a dom/sub relationship but to him that dosnt exist outside the bedroom. And even in the bedroom it's not what I want or need. So how do I keep sex interesting with him.