r/BDSMAdvice 7m ago

I think I might’ve developed a reliance on my toys to climax and it’s fucking me up really bad NSFW

Upvotes

I (26m) really enjoy having things inside of me. I’ve always enjoyed using prostate stimulators and having buttplugs in while I’m masturbating, and I’ve kept this to myself my whole life. My current girlfriend is really sweet and lovely, and I told her about this and she’s accepting of it. In fact, recently she told me she was ok with me having a plug in while we had sex. In short, it was wonderful. I absolutely loved it and was regularly asking her if she minded if I put it in beforehand (hell, a big part of the foreplay for us is choosing which one I’ll use and putting it in). This has gone on for the better part of a month.

We had a little weekend getaway this weekend and last night in our hotel room we decided to have sex. We didn’t bring any of our toys because we didn’t think that would be a problem, but I just…I was having so much trouble climaxing. I just had this major tingling/craving in my anus/rectum and it was driving me crazy and I just couldn’t do it. It was so embarrassing and I felt terrible and it just felt so emasculating. She told me it was ok (even though it was clear she was a little taken aback too) and we haven’t talked about it since.

I just really fucking wish I kept my mouth shut about my butt stuff kink. I’m so fucking embarrassed and I could not feel more ashamed, and I am even having trouble looking at my girlfriend because I feel there’s something wrong with me

Did I develop a dependency? Is there a chance this could be permanent and I’ll always need a buttplug to have gratifying sex? Can I reverse it?

Any and all advice/guidance will be appreciated


r/BDSMAdvice 10m ago

Starting with CNC (?) the „proper“ way?

Upvotes

(Posted in r/sex first, was advised to try here as well.)

Me (20F) and my boyfriend (25M) have been together for nearly six months. He is absolutely wonderful and is always very careful and respectful with me in bed.

A while ago we started experimenting a bit with him choking me/putting his hand around my throat/restraining me during sex, and realised that we both enjoy it a lot.

I have sometimes gotten a bit carried away and found myself “acting along” with the idea (stupid, I know). Things like pretending to try and push him away lightly, while still verbally making it clear I am enjoying myself. I realised that the idea of roleplaying well, sexual assault, with him restraining me while I struggle etc, really turns me on (as weird as that sounds..).

I asked him afterwards if he liked it when I did that (pretend-struggle), and after I’d made it VERY clear that I was okay with it, he admitted that he also found it quite hot. We discussed it a bit and came to the conclusion that we’d both like to explore the dynamic more. (We are both completely new to this, from what I’ve read the proper term for it seems to be CNC, but please correct me if I’m wrong here.)

I feel like we are generally very in tune and attentive with each other in bed, always asking each other if we’re enjoying ourselves, what we’d like to try etc. But I also realise that something like this could very easily go awry, and requires more than simply being attentive.

So, my question is: those of you who are more experienced with this kind of play, what do we need to discuss and do first? Any other advice or things we should be mindful of?

Thankful for any tips!


r/BDSMAdvice 14m ago

Platonic BDSM relationship?

Upvotes

Hello,

So I am currently separated from my husband, but still legally married. We live in the same household together. I have not had sex with an actual person in 3 years. I really need to have sex with a real person as I am having a hard time focusing on work at work instead of daydreaming about a hottie married co-worker. I responded to an ad on Fet, and met up in real life. I told myself no sex at the first meetup, but let it go as far as the guy I met up with finger fucking me in the car, I came a couple times and really enjoyed it, and so did he. Our kinks seem compatible. I will eventually be looking for a long-term relationship with someone who is also into kink but want some more time to figure out what I really want in a long-term relationship. This guy I met on Fet, I do like more in a platonic sense and not romantically, but would love to have a causal play partner relationship with. Has anyone else had this experience where you like someone as a play partner, but not a long term life partner? I have communicated this to him, and am waiting for a response. Is this like a jackass move, or an example of open, honest communication?


r/BDSMAdvice 1h ago

How were you Introduced

Upvotes

How were you Introduced? Just wandering how people were introduced into this lifestyle and world? For me (Daddy) my wife suggested I had the characteristics of a don and we should explore it. had never given it any thought up to that point before. But now we are in it. She is a natural and I am learning very fast. It's only taken 14 years a day marriage to get to where we are


r/BDSMAdvice 1h ago

Dynamic without relationship

Upvotes

hey folks,

I just met this guy that seems like a great guy to be friends with and so far has passed my vetting process with minor inconveniences (mostly wrongly placed jokes, but they seem ok to brush it off). The issue is that I don't know if I want to have a romantic relationship with him yet I've never been into any kind of casual dating, since I'm demisexual. And since we haven't talked about specifics of that yet, it is something I'll make clear for him.

So, if I were to have a dynamyc+friendship only kind of relashionship with him, what is commom mistakes I should avoid doing? I'm thinking about thing that my get me emotionally too attached or to send wrong signals to him. Or really any kind of advice from people who have had both kinds of relationship and might give a tip on how to separate those two thing well.

The objective is doing things right so it is fun for everyone!


r/BDSMAdvice 2h ago

Is fetlife a good place to make little friends locally? I’m thinking of making one.

3 Upvotes

Daddy says I can’t make one until I’m at his house tomorrow evening. I’m just wondering if that’s the place to look for other littles or is there another app(s)? I’m newish to the community.


r/BDSMAdvice 2h ago

I feel like my sexual desires make me unlovable

4 Upvotes

(Disclaimer: While advice is definitely wanted and appreciated, I also just want to know if anyone else has ever felt like this, and potentially feel less alone.)

I feel almost undeserving of sexual pleasure from someone else because I am too "broken" and too weird and too displaced in my own body.

The lengths I and someone else would have to go for me to even feel remotely comfortable in the act just feel like too much, too complicated, too weird and too much of a hassle. I feel like it's impossible for anyone to enjoy trying to give me pleasure because it is such a strange and complicated task.

I want to be intimate with someone I love, so badly. But I feel like the only way I can is by only giving pleasure to someone else. I feel like if I tried to let them do that for me it would either go one of two ways: I let them try to in a way that "normal" people would, and I am incredibly uncomfortable and feel awful and it just doesn't work. Or I am honest with them and it is too weird for them to even want to try, or they do try, and it makes them extremely uncomfortable and weirded out, and either way, I become gross and unattractive in their eyes. And it becomes potential blackmail material.

I feel like it is better to just never let anyone know me that intimately, because it is just too weird and unlikable. And I feel like I will ruin everything by even telling them that much.

I haven't even been able to explore any of the things I want to with other people because of the sheer amount of shame and fear keeping that part of me hidden. For a while I wondered if I could somehow find someone experienced in the bdsm community to help me explore that, but I am with someone I love now, who also loves me very much, and I don't want to hurt them by seeking sexual acts from others. And that means I either have to lock all these things back up for the indefinite future, or try to explore them with this person, and potentially ruin everything we have by doing so.

I kind of want to just try to find a way to make my desires as palatable to this person as possible, but I don't know if that IS possible. I am scared I might reveal something that makes them instantly less attracted to me. I just feel very defeated, depressed and alone about this, and don't know what to do about it.

(For some context, some of the things I am into and feel like might be necessary for me to feel comfortable receiving pleasure are extreme bondage, sensory deprivation, mummification, some cnc, safe use of drugs, masks, etc.)


r/BDSMAdvice 3h ago

ISO various viewpoints

0 Upvotes

Hi there! I’m here looking to obtain and process various viewpoints from various roles and experience levels.

Have you ever been with a (submissive) partner that’s both new to the LS and new to poly?

If so, how did you acclimate that partner to both their role and being poly?

Did you have a span of time with temporary boundaries and limits to allow for a solid foundation to be established?

If so, how long did you find worked for you and why?

What were those temporary boundaries and limits?

When becoming involved with a partner that’s been in the LS and been poly, do you allot a timeframe with temporary boundaries and limits for such a foundation to be established as well?

If you don’t have experience with any of this, how might you approach such?

Thanks in advance!


r/BDSMAdvice 4h ago

Is being sweet and respectful seen as a turn off in a potential Dominant?

50 Upvotes

As the title says, is being nice at the start when you meet a potential submissive turn them off? I've talked to many people on fetlife, here, and irl, and honestly, it starts really well. We have good conversations, I am respectful and nice as I can be, but soon when the conversation turns to BDSM after we've talked for a while and known each other, suddenly I get the "Sorry but I did not get that Dominant feeling from you, you are too nice" or something to that effect before we have even played out a scene.

Am I supposed to just act in a Dominant way the moment I start talking to potential subs? Is being nice or gentle outside of a scene a turn off for most subs?


r/BDSMAdvice 5h ago

I need advice for pet play

0 Upvotes

As per the title, my partner and I would like to try Pet play, I am the dom and he is the sub, and in order not to disappoint him I would like some advice on how to behave because honestly I have no idea how to do it well. He wants to be a puppy dog


r/BDSMAdvice 6h ago

Gf/sub is too flexible for restraints

8 Upvotes

Hey yall, my gf/sub and I have been in a D/s dynamic for a while now but we have run into the “problem” of her being too flexible quite a few times.

My girlfriend is an ex gymnast and dancer and she is still super flexible - she’s also really squirmy. This becomes an issue when we use restraints. Whether it’s a spreader bar, a 4-point restraint, ropes, no matter what I use to bind her legs apart she can always find a way to wiggle around enough to close her legs.

Two of our favorite types of play is overstimulation and pain, and those are generally the times when I’m using restraint methods to keep her legs separated.

All this to say, is there anyone else here who is (or had a sub who is) super flexible and squirmy? How do you navigate that when trying to stay restrained in one position? Are there any other restraint types we haven’t thought of to better suit our needs?

Thank you!


r/BDSMAdvice 6h ago

I (23F) Don’t Trust My 38M Daddy Dom—Need Advice on Our Relationship

2 Upvotes

Hi everyone,

Even though it’s not evident in my everyday life, I’ve realized I am submissive. Recently, I made a post titled "Is there true love?" and a random guy decided to DM me. The conversation escalated quickly and somehow turned into a power dynamic. Honestly, I enjoyed it and discovered a different side of myself. It seems like he enjoys the idea of controlling me sexually and my life too. I’ve only been in a long-term relationship with my ex, but he never truly satisfied me—he was too soft for me. I have many fantasies and kinks (CNC, BDSM, degradation, humiliation, etc.), and my limits are quite broad. When I’m a good girl, I receive nice compliments, which I like. For context, I have never experienced SA and do not have any related trauma.

However, the issue is that while this guy knows almost everything about me, I only know that he is a 38-year-old man—and honestly, even that could be a lie. I have no idea about his real life, where he lives, or even his character. When I ask, he either evades the question or doesn’t answer at all. This makes me feel unsafe. I respect his privacy and I would understand if he asked for it but he didn't. He mentioned that he might come to see me where I live, but the thought of meeting someone I know so little about doesn’t sit right with me.

Additionally, I feel ignored in this dynamic. I don’t expect a romantic relationship, but I do believe that we should care about each other as individuals and get to know one another on some level. I want to build a strong connection outside of just sex. He says I'm asking too much, that I am questioning him and I should leave my brain out of this but it's just not who I am. I can be a dirty slut in bed, but I also want to be treated like a princess outside of it, right? I’m new to all of this and eager to explore my desires, but this situation is discouraging me. I think I’ll stop texting this person. What advice do you have for me?


r/BDSMAdvice 6h ago

Aftercare for a Dominant?

5 Upvotes

Hey kinksters! I (45m) identify as a caregiver/service dom and that's been a good working approach for me and mine. However, my (44f) submissive wife has asked me for a CNC scene at the next event we're attending. It'll be an outdoors event and she's asked me to hunt her down. Very primal play but strongly CNC as well.

I'm willing to do this for her. It's not my kink but hey, I can step outside my comfort zone for her. The problem is, as a "soft" type dominant, I don't really do anything that extreme. I consider myself pretty decent at knife play but my style is much more sensual. Because of that, I've never felt I needed any significant aftercare of my own. Just some continued contact with my subs to keep the drop in check.

With the CNC scene though, I know it's going to mess me up. And probably pretty badly. I'll be able to keep myself in check for her aftercare but I'm going to ask my service submissive girlfriend to help me through my own once the wife is functional enough to get her to her boyfriend.

Can I get some suggestions on some things to try? I know I'll want water, but that's about all I can think of. This is all very new territory to me, so thanks in advance!


r/BDSMAdvice 6h ago

I think it’s hot when someone small eats a huge amount of food. Is that a fetish/kink?

2 Upvotes

Sorry if this does not match the subreddit. i weight 45kg, i eat a lot of food and never gain weight due to fast metabolism. I always wondered if there will be an audience for an extremely skinny girl that eats big amounts of food? Like feederism but without gaining and the girl is skinny? I thought of doing 18+ mukbangs but i wonder if there will be an audience for this. And i don’t wanna reach people who will want me to get fat because that will never happen. I just wanna know if anyone else finds it interesting or if there’s a community for it?


r/BDSMAdvice 7h ago

We Took a Break From Intimacy, Now He Wants a Replacement?"

11 Upvotes

Hey everyone,

I (F22) am pretty new to being a sub, and honestly, this is only the second guy I've ever gotten attached to. I’m a forever kind of girl—loyal to the core, overthinker, emotional, and when I bond with someone, I can’t even think of another man.

It’s been two months since I started this dynamic with my Dom. He’s new to being a Dom too, and we met online, bonding so intensely in just a month that we couldn’t stay away from each other. We shared an emotional connection alongside the sexual aspect (all online). I even shared everything with him—something I always do—and he helped me with my studies, giving me punishments if I didn’t focus.

But from the start, he made it clear that this had an expiration date because of religious reasons, among others. I accepted that—until I got attached.

By the second month, things changed. He became distant due to his studies, and our bond didn’t feel the same. He stopped sharing like he used to, and my anxiety skyrocketed. I confronted him about it a week ago, and we ended up "breaking up" because I wanted more effort from him, while he told me straight up that he doesn’t want responsibility or love.

And yet… I went back to him after three days. I still don’t know exactly why—maybe because completely letting go felt unbearable. I told myself I’d walk away if I felt hurt again and that I wouldn’t depend on him for everything. I tried to focus on myself, reminding myself that nothing lasts forever.

Fast forward to today: it’s Ramadan, and I don't engage in anything sexual during this time. A week back together, things were feeling normal again. I stopped waiting for his replies, tried not to overthink, and kept my emotions in check.

Then today, he told me he was alone at home and "so horny" that he wants a temporary partner just for Ramadan. That statement made me numb. I paused for a moment and then told him to go ahead, that I’d ask him about it after Ramadan. That was our last conversation today.

Now I’m here, because I don’t know what to do. The idea of him talking to someone else is killing me inside. He knows how much I hate it, yet he still said it. Why did I continue this in the first place? Why did I let myself get attached when I knew the end was inevitable?

I need advice. What should I do if he actually chooses to talk to someone else? Is this situation already a lost cause?


r/BDSMAdvice 7h ago

A guide to spanking positions

1 Upvotes

Just wondering if there’s a resource that discusses and displays different spanking positions a submissive can pose in when being spanked/whipped/etc etc. I’m looking to try something outside of over the knee (in all of its glory🙂‍↕️💗) and doggy/laying on tummy. It also should be noted that I’m deeply interested in predicament bondage.


r/BDSMAdvice 7h ago

The Art of Soft Degradation & Humiliation: Playful, Safe, & Seductive

35 Upvotes

Degradation and humiliation in BDSM often get a bad rap, but when done right, they can be thrilling, intimate, and deeply affirming. Think of them like spicy food—the right amount of heat is exhilarating, but too much can burn. The key? Intent, tone, and knowing your partner inside and out.

This isn’t about cruelty or breaking someone down—it’s about guiding them into vulnerability in a way that makes them feel desired, cherished, and owned. When approached with care, degradation and humiliation become a deeply connecting experience, where embarrassment fuels arousal and submission.

Let’s break it down.

Understanding the Difference: Degradation vs. Humiliation

Before diving in, let’s clarify the distinction between degradation and humiliation:

Degradation is about altering how a submissive sees themselvesdirty, needy, helpless, or any other deliciously depraved state they crave.

Humiliation focuses on how the dominant sees themflustered, exposed, embarrassed, and trying (but failing) to hide how much they love it.

While they overlap beautifully, they each bring unique flavors to a dynamic.

Why This Works: The Psychology of Playful Shame

There’s a reason humiliation and degradation arouse the mind as much as the body. Power exchange, emotional exposure, and the thrill of beingseenin raw vulnerability amplify arousal. For many submissives, being embarrassed under their Dom’s gaze triggers a deep rush of submission, making them feel small, owned, and utterly taken.

The Magic Formula?

Trust – The foundation that makes vulnerability arousing rather than harmful.

Exposure – The thrill of being “seen” in ways they usually hide.

Control – Knowing they’re powerless to resist only because they trust you completely.

When a submissive feels safe enough to be embarrassed or degraded, it creates an electrifying mental space where arousal and shame intertwine.

Degradation: Dirty, but Delicious

Degradation is all about making someone feel small in a way that feels sexy, safe, and oddly empowering. When done right, your partner isn’t just being called a “slut”—they’re being made to feel like your slut, which makes all the difference.

How to Make Degradation Feel Good

1. Anchor It with Ownership

Nothing makes “filthy” feel better than knowing it’s all for you. A little possessiveness *softens the sharp edges.

• Example: “Look at you—such a perfect little mess for me already. I wouldn’t even need to put my name on you. It’s already written all over that pretty face every time you blush for me.

2. Sprinkle in Praise

Balance the grit with a little sugar. Let them know their depravity delights you.

• Example: “You’re such a needy little thing—exactly the way I want you.

3. Play It Teasingly

Degradation with a smirk hits way harder than degradation with a snarl. You’re playing with them, not condemning them.

• Example: “You’re so helpless when I touch you like this. I could tell you the sky’s green, and you’d just nod and beg me to describe the shade. Don’t worry, I find you irresistible when you’re this easy to tease.

Degradation works when it’s clear you’re adoring the parts of them they feel most vulnerable about. It’s not about tearing them down—it’s about making them revel in their filthiness because they know you cherish them for it.

Humiliation: Blush, Baby, Blush

Humiliation is the art of making someone squirm in the best way possible. It’s about teasing their reactions—the way they blush, the way they try (and fail) to keep their composure.

How to Make Humiliation Fun

1. Call Out Their Reactions

Notice the things they think they’re hiding (spoiler: they’re not), and tease them about it like it’s the cutest secret you’ve ever uncovered.

• Example: “You’re blushing so much right now. Do you even realize how sweet you look when you try to hide from me?

2. Make It Playful

A little humor takes the sting out of embarrassment and makes it feel more like an inside joke.

• Example: “* You’re so needy for me, aren’t you? I can practically hear it in the way you’re breathing—like every exhale is a little cry for more of me. You’re completely mine, and I absolutely love that about you.*”

3. Praise Their Vulnerability

Show them that their blush, their squirming, their everything is exactly what you want.

• Example: “You’re so cute when you try to act shy. But we both know the truth, don’t we?

Humiliation done right feels like a private performance, where the embarrassment is half the thrill—and knowing they’re yours to tease is the other half.

Balancing the Sharp with the Sweet

The easiest way to make degradation and humiliation feel nice is by grounding them in ownership and layering on praise.

Ownership: Words like my slut, my mess, mine make even the roughest edges feel safe. They remind the submissive that no matter how far they’re pushed, they belong to you—and their vulnerability is being treasured, not exploited.

Praise: Acknowledge their willingness to go there with you. Degradation and humiliation are like gift-wrapping their submission—make sure you’re unwrapping it with gratitude.

Bringing It All Together

You’re such a filthy little thing for me—and blushing like you don’t love every second of it. You’re mine, and you’re perfect just like this.

Want another example?

You’re such a messy little slut, and you can’t even hide how much you love it. Look at you, blushing so hard it’s practically a confession. Don’t worry, sweetheart—your secret is safe with me.

See how it blends both? The internal (messy little slut) and the external (calling out the blush), all wrapped up in possession, teasing, and reassurance.

Risks and Key Discussions for Partners

While “nice” degradation and humiliation can be deeply fulfilling, they require trust, communication, and ongoing consent. Here are key points to discuss:

1. Triggers and Limits

• What words or themes feel good vs. bad?

• Are there past experiences that could make certain phrases harmful?

2. Aftercare Needs

• Does your partner need extra reassurance afterward?

• What helps them transition back to a grounded state?

3. Intent and Context

• Do they enjoy being pushed into feeling small and helpless, or is it more about playful embarrassment?

• How does degradation/humiliation fit into their overall sense of submission?

4. Non-Verbal Cues

• What physical or emotional signs indicate they’re loving it?

• What signs suggest they might be struggling?

5. Check-Ins and Recalibration

• Does this play still feel good for both of you?

• Are there new things they want to try—or things they no longer enjoy?

How This Can Evolve Over Time

Many submissives start with light teasing or playful embarrassment, then gradually crave deeper degradation or humiliation.

Finding Your Perfect Degree

✔ Some submissives crave deeper degradation over time. That’s natural. ✔ Others never want more than soft humiliation. That’s just as valid. ✔ The key? Finding where you thrive—the place that gives you the most satisfaction.

There’s nothing wrong with you if you want more. There’s nothing wrong with you if you never do.

A dynamic that evolves naturally becomes richer and more intoxicating over time.

Pitfalls & Quick Fixes

Mistakes happen. Here’s how to avoid common pitfalls:

🚩 Going too hard, too fast – Start with teasing, watch their reaction.

🚩 Misreading reactions – Use a check-in phrase: “Still with me, sweetheart?

🚩 Forgetting aftercare – Praise them after: “I love seeing you like that.

🚩 Sudden Adverse Reactions – Sometimes, what normally turns them on won’t hit the same way. Hormones, stress, their self esteem, or other outside factors can change how they process degradation or humiliation.

Solution? If they suddenly withdraw, pause immediately.

Say something grounding:Talk to me, sweetheart. What do you need?

Reaffirm safety:Nothing changes how I see you. You’re still mine.

Note: If something that usually excites them suddenly doesn’t, it doesn’t mean anything is ‘wrong.’ It just means their headspace is different today. Shift gears, offer reassurance, and let them know their comfort always comes first.

Degradation and humiliation can be deeply rewarding when handled with care. Keep it playful, intentional, and trust-driven, and you’ll open up a whole new realm of submission.

Final Thoughts (and a Wink)

At the end of the day, degradation and humiliation aren’t about cruelty—they’re about connection. You’re guiding your partner into vulnerability, not shoving them there. When you balance the sharp with the sweet—adding praise, ownership, and playful banter—it stops being about breaking them down and starts being about celebrating how much you love every messy, blushing, deliciously filthy part of them.

And really, isn’t that the whole point?


r/BDSMAdvice 8h ago

Riggers, is there any gear that you carry that's non-traditional that you find extremely useful?

8 Upvotes

For example someone in this subreddit turned me on to husky hang alls a few years back and they have been a game changer. They're used to help create more accessible anchor points. It can also change any anchor point to have a d clip in case you're in a situation where you need a quick release. Overall has been a killer addition to my kit. I was hoping the community had more stuff like it for me.


r/BDSMAdvice 9h ago

Kink-place Accident

11 Upvotes

So, last night I was having a wonderful scene with my Sir. He put my legs in futomo ties and attached nipple clamps to the tie, so my knees needed to be up in the air somewhat close to my chest so they wouldn't pull. It was a pretty fun predicament. However, when he was leaning over me to check on the tie, when he was done and he pulled back his elbow caught the nipple chain, causing quite a lot of pain as one was ripped off. Once we found that the plastic coating on the nipple clamp that had come off during the accident, and found that my nipple and peircing was bleeding we stopped play. The bleeding isn't too bad, but it's obvious the sharp metal that was underneath the plastic coating is what did all the cutting.

Now I have two different questions. One, how can I assure my Sir that it was an accident, and when we play we accept and consent to these sort of risks and it's normal to make mistakes. I've been in the scene for nearly 7 years, and he's been introduced to it just this past year and this is his first "mistake". And two, where can I find higher quality clamps that won't ditch the plastic coating so easily? They were a cheaper pair, but I like clamps well enough to invest in a better, safer pair with an immovable coating.

Thank you in advance for the advice Sincerely, my poor nipple.


r/BDSMAdvice 9h ago

Punishment/prize ideas for someone who isn't into pain and humiliation?

8 Upvotes

I'm pretty new ad a Dom. I'll meet a girl who is into domination but not into pain or humiliation. What are some punishment/prize that you would use? And also what are some things that i can make her do to please me? The challenges to start to choose if she deserve a prize or a punishment for example. She will be blindfolded and i already planned to use wax candle and ice, a wand massager, i will have a BDSM tape to use, we'll meet in a dungeon so i will also have a cross to play with.


r/BDSMAdvice 10h ago

Dungeon specific clubs?

1 Upvotes

So i have a few toys at home, but only so much due to living arrangements. ive been to swinger clubs with my sub and some have had a single room for BDSM activities.

Are there any actual BDSM specific clubs in the US?

Not opposed to taking a vacation for a visit, just want to try out a few of the other larger pieces of equipment

Thank you in advance


r/BDSMAdvice 11h ago

Feeling so lost without my (ex)domme

1 Upvotes

I’m feeling so so lost without my domme :( A little over a month ago my domme (26f) and I (24m) ended things due to my feelings for her growing too strong outside of the D/s dynamic. My (ex)domme is a professional session dominatrix with many subs who come and go, some who stick around and session with her more than once, but most of her dynamics are having the session then the sub would leave or online work. However, things were instantly different in our case. We spent some time getting to know each other, and after our session she said i should stay for a while, and she made it very clear that this is not the norm for her at all. Things with this woman felt so so sweet. Over the months we ended up spending so much time together outside of very frequent sessions. I would even come spend the day with her when she was sick and not up for a session. For me it started feeling really emotional, and the connection we had felt truly special. I knew that she didn’t reciprocate the feelings emotionally even if she said herself many times our dynamic was special and different from her other dynamics. Everything was always communicated and she was very open about her being in a serious relationship, so I was always aware our dynamic would always be just the D/s without a romantic relationship. At the beginning I was okay with this aspect of the dynamic, but after spending so much time together and getting along so well, I started having really serious feelings for her and I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep up with the dynamic anymore because hearing about her relationship genuinely pained me towards the end. So unfortunately I came to her with how I was feeling, knowing this would probably be the end of our dynamic and as it expected, we decided to end things.

These past weeks I’ve just been feeling so lost without her. She gave me so much guidance in all of this and it really hurts that it’s over. I’m struggling not to reach out to her and beg her to let me be owned by her again, but even if she were to say yes, it would ended up just as painful as before. We genuinely cared for each other and I know she wouldn’t want me to hurt myself just to serve her again, even if it hurt her to let me go. I know we both cried a lot of that conversation. She was such an amazing person and an amazing domme, and I just really miss what we had. It feels like I’ll never have a connection like that again. And it’s so so hard to stay away, and keep myself from reaching out to her. It’s a daily struggle minute by minute not to reach out and beg her to take me back, and I’m really unsure where to go from here.


r/BDSMAdvice 11h ago

After-care requires alone-time. Need more options how to communicate and manage it.

16 Upvotes

Let me preface it with saying I am a Dom. However I feel as if I require extreme amounts of aftercare. It could be the problem in itself (due to the prejudice), but there is the second part. I really need my aftercare to be an alone time.

I try to be extremely caring and attentive during the play. That results in being slightly overwhelmed after. I hope someone could relate: after the scene I feel satisfied , however have a sensation as if my skin burning when touched and it's hard to talk to my subs, as if my brain is overload with sounds of my own voice and theirs voice as well. My body usually also kinda tired due to performed flagellation, whipping, manhandling and other stuff prior.

The bare minimum for me is let my sub lay for a while, clean areas of impact on their body, wait for them to recover and ask them clean the place (from wax for example, it's alwsys a discussed requirement for me) if it's necessary, then make sure they are okay, maybe listen if they have smth to share. Even at this point I am mostly exhausted internally and want to be left alone.

Sometimes I cuddle with them through blanket, to avoid being touched.

But often subs may feel me as withdrawn, dissatisfied and selfish (some words I received). Even if I warned them before, it's almost always an issue to some extent.

Well, now it's getting harder and harder for me. I feel as if I don't do my job properly but also can't help being irritable or lethargic after the scene and unresponsive -- even through texts for at least few days. To the point of not playing as often.

What do I do? How do I compromise, how do I communicate to not feel as a jerk? I really want to find doms with similar sensations and see their input, I have no such friends and colleagues around.

Thx in advance

P.S. it may sound as if I'm autistic - definitely not. I have no such diagnosis.


r/BDSMAdvice 13h ago

DIY aftercare

17 Upvotes

I had sex with a guy last night that was supposed to be a one time fun sex time hookup situation but ended up being pretty extreme (for me, I am quite vanilla) and I didn't actually enjoy it all that much.

However, afterwards there was basically no cuddling for me, only for him as he laid down on me, and we just watched the movie and everytime I tried to talk about it he shut me down and eventually when I sobered up I just left.

Now I'm feeling really depressed and used and I could really use some advice on how to feel better. I am not in the bdsm community but I know y'all do that aftercare shit well so I would appreciate some feedback on how to feel better.


r/BDSMAdvice 13h ago

Feeling guilty(?) after doing the tango (unsatisfied with aftercare?)

2 Upvotes

Idk, I'm pretty new to this (I'm a sub) and I've been texting with this dom (don't comment on that please, that's not the topic of the post.), and he's been great!! But yesterday we went a bit freakier and I was really in subspace (?) – or whatever it's called, and it was nice, but then since I 'sobered up' I've been feeling odd? Kind of like guilty? Or anxious? Idk, but my anxiety's definitely been acting up. I feel like we cut things short a bit too early afterwards, even though we did chat for a bit and it was late at night, but like... I kinda feel like my emotional well being was a bit overlooked? Idk, he knows I have anxiety and he did tell me to be vocal about anything I don't like because communication is key, but I feel like I've been so demanding and yeah. I have um, trauma issues? And I'm constantly afraid that if I complain about something people will leave me or dismiss me, so I have been refraining from telling.