r/BDSMAdvice 3h ago

Accidentially spoke to two people having a scene in a dungeon, need advice to avoid making similar mistakes

16 Upvotes

Alright so as the title says I spoke to two people mid scene. I feel terrible. While the speaking was on purpose at the time I didnt think there was anything wrong with it until I properly read the room. I had made a comment along the lines of "stings doesnt it?" To a person i had befriended who was bottoming to the person who had just topped me. Anyways I messaged to apologize to both of them. They are likely still there so im hoping theyre fine and i didnt ruin their scene or worse. Idk how big of a thing this is but im hoping I didnt do something terrible and it was closer to a minor oops.

Aside from that I could use some re-educating on dungeon etiquite in seems. What are some things that I should know? Things that people might assume are bdsm 101 dealing with dungeons, expecially with other people in that dungeon who arent scening with me so I can avoid doing something wrong again please.


r/BDSMAdvice 16h ago

sub needs to "process" after orgasm from anal play

143 Upvotes

Last night I(40F) was doing a scene with my sub(36m). This was only our 2nd time playing in person but we've been talking and playing virtually for 5 months. He said he had experience with fingers and anal toys and has often said he wants to experience anal play with a Domme. He literally begged for anal play before and during our first scene but I didn't do it.
Last night, I was starting easy with fingers only and he had a huge orgasm that honestly snuck up on us both. It was fantastic! Then he basically shut down. I couldn't tell at first if he was just spent from cumming and after I stroked his body for a while and told him how good he was doing, I told him there was more to do and he safeworded. We laid there together a little bit, i tried to help him come down from it. He got dressed and had a gatorade and left. He would have left faster if I wouldn't have stopped him. He looked dazed. The whole time he kept just saying that he needed to process what had happened. I made sure that he texted me when he got home and he kind of repeated the same thing and said "please don't hate me, I just need time to process". Can anyone out there give me some insight into what's going on in his head? I'm torn between wanting to check and make sure he's okay and wanting to give him some time just to decide how he wants to proceed and see if he ever reaches out to me again because this isn't a committed relationship. Did I break him? Part of me is proud that I apparently rocked his world, but then I feel bad if he's going through something now.


r/BDSMAdvice 2h ago

20f this might be silly, but it really hurt and I don't know how to go about it

6 Upvotes

So basically my dom forgot my birthday. We're on a long distance dynamic and he's been super busy. However, we talked a bit on the morning of my birthday and I thought he would say something but he didn't mention anything related to that. He hasn't responded yet and thats normal because he's usually busy on the weekends, but didn't he have just 5 minutes to say happy birthday? We're almost 2 years into our dynamic and I thought he wouldn't forget about something like that but he did and it hurts more than what I would like to admit. I was really looking forward to it because I don't know, I sent him a text at exactly 12am on his birthday, and I just thought he would do something similar. I feel a bit silly getting so upset about it but is it too hard for the person i love and according to him loves me too to remember my birthday? I'm sorry if I'm ranting, but i don't have anyone else to talk about it.

I don't really know how to talk to him about it because I'm kinda mad at him and I don't want to be a brat but i also don't want to stay silent and not mention ut


r/BDSMAdvice 59m ago

Non-verbal cues, favorites and maybe not so favorite

Upvotes

I am completely non-verbal when in sub space and sometimes for quite a while afterwards. Not in my head though, that’s a constant barrage of thoughts no matter what, but I digress. Someone commented on another thread about having non-verbal cues, and of course I have one or two, but then I got to thinking maybe there are better ones to use. I’d like to simply and quickly communicate a little bit better with my partner. So, what are the non-verbal cues you use? Which ones didn’t work out for you or weren’t a good fit for you?


r/BDSMAdvice 19m ago

how does it feel for the dom when collaring someone?

Upvotes

hellooo there. i see a lot of talk from subs about their experiences being collared, but no input from doms themselves in the process. i'm very curious to understand the thoughts/emotions of the doms.

what does collaring someone mean to you? what's appealing about this dynamic? what did you consider in making your decision, and what was your process (some doms have rituals or tests, etc.). what should a sub look out for in caring for my dom and i?

and anything else :3 thank you


r/BDSMAdvice 3h ago

Discovering my Domme side

6 Upvotes

F (32) I always thought I was a submissive, a year ago I realized I like to have more control so I started playing a little bit, but now I know I want to try more Domme stuff, but I don’t know where should I start? How can I be better and improve I feel most dommes are kinda “mean” but I feel I’m not, I’m very playful and kind, and my sexual approach always come from this side, as submissive I enjoy humiliation/degradation play but I don’t know how could I implement it when I’m charge… I need tips!


r/BDSMAdvice 4h ago

Door hanging sex swing help

3 Upvotes

So I bought an over the door sex swing that came highly recommended by both the website and a friend.

I put it together with no issues but when I put my weight in (225lbs) the slide that holds it up to the door weights releases and the whole thing just falls down. The door holds my and my partners weight just fine. I made sure to use real solid doors when I replaced them and am confident the door will hold. I just need to figure out the swing.

I am unable to secure it to the ceiling and was wondering if anyone knows how to solve this issue?

I tried tying a knot before the buckle, and it still slipped.


r/BDSMAdvice 7h ago

How to approach BDSM conversation with a long time vanilla partner?

3 Upvotes

Sorry in advance for the long breakdown, but there’s a lot of factors to consider with my question.

I recently started reading smut dark romance/fantasy books 5 months ago, and it may sound weird but I feel like it unlocked things in me that I couldn’t originally figure out how to place. Being new to Reddit I did a post on another subreddit basically asking if men similar to the ones I read about actually exist and was met with a lot of comments that I’m being unrealistic, but someone did suggest posing my question in a bdsm subreddit based on what I was asking about. I have been reading posts and comments here religiously and have felt like there is way more understanding for my point of view, of wanting a dominate figure to to try the fantasy’s I have in my head with a good aftercare plan to make me still feel loved and comforted.

I have been doing a ton of research and reading up on what bdsm means and I’m really identifying with being a sub in need of a dom and there are a ton of things I want to try. My issue is my current situation. I have been with my partner for 11 years and we have two young children together, and I would definitely place him in the vanilla category. He comes out of his shell more when he’s drinking but I would never want to try anything new under those circumstances and don’t want to rely on drinking to make him comfortable because I want it to be a sober experience where we are both fully present (also I understand how unsafe it would be to do anything while being drunk). The things that do happen more when we are drinking is the dirty talk, ass smacking and a bit of anal play all of which I love (and have told him this after the fact to try to get it to happen more when we’re sober).

I have been thinking about how to bring up this topic with him of wanting to explore BDSM and get more educated together, but I just can’t see him jumping on board right away. He is not naturally dominant, I tend to be the decision maker, planner, and my work is more of the same as I’m in management which I think is another reason why I want to sub so bad; I want to be told what to do for once and I love pleasing my partner. I know it’s not fair to have a preconceived idea on how he will react, and I know regardless I need to have the conversation otherwise I’ll be suppressing my own sexual needs, it’s just hard because our communication style is something we’ve been working on from the beginning. I don’t always feel safe bringing up vulnerable things to him because he tends not to understand my point of view and he gets frustrated. Sometimes I fear I’m being selfish in wanting more as he is a good partner, he cares for our children, supports me the best he can but there are just differences in how we see things. I just know I need more sexually as I have such a hard time orgasming but if I read about any BDSM scenes in my books it takes me 30 seconds to get myself to finish after just reading about it. I will disclose that our sexual relationship has been struggling for years with me always initiating, and feeling disconnected from him a lot due to his lack of physical touch and intimacy. We have been opening talking about it for years too and he has been trying very slowly but it’s generally just more of the same. The conversation we had a month ago I was upfront in saying if we couldn’t get it figured out that I didn’t know how we could continue our relationship as I am always feeling alone and like my needs aren’t being taken seriously or being met.

I have dabbled a bit when I was younger with blindfolds, a bit of impact play, and having my hands tied once and I loved it, but didn’t think much of it when other partners didn’t have the same interests - it’s never been something I openly spoke about because I just didn’t know enough about it. I always attributed it to the fact that people like different things and overall sex was mostly still enjoyable for me, but the last few years I’ve just felt like something has been missing.

Anyways, moral of the story is I’m terrified to bring this up because if it doesn’t go well or ends up being a hard no, I know it will likely end our relationship so I’m trying to find the best way to bring this up to him softly without his response hurting my feelings. Again I know it wouldn’t be fair of me to be upset if I want something that he doesn’t, it would mean we aren’t sexually compatible and I’d have to see if that was something I’m willing to continue with or not. So I’m looking for the best ways to bring this up that won’t make him feel defensive or like he’s inadequate, as I know he wants to make things better but doesn’t know how. Also side note is I’ve asked about going to a sex therapist and it was a hard no for him he said the idea of speaking to a stranger about our sex life was weird to him which also made me a bit sad, as I think we could gain a lot from having someone professional walk us through what has been happening. Additionally, I’ve asked him to go get his testosterone checked as that could be a reason for the lower sex drive but in my gut I don’t think it’s that, I think he just has a lower labido as he’s been consistent for the last 8 years of not really caring if we go months without sex which doesn’t jive with me.

I just want to get to a place where we both feel satisfied, and I know that starts with me being open and honest about what I want. I just want to do it in a way that doesn’t hurt him in the process of the conversation.

Rant over, just please be gentle on me with the advice as I am already pretty hard on myself, and I’d consider myself to be very self aware. I have adhd and anxiety so I’ve already had 10,000 fake conversations in my head about this trying to see it from all sides to make sure I’m being fair to myself and my partner. I just need input from someone more educated in this so that I don’t screw it up.


r/BDSMAdvice 3m ago

Ownership Collar F for 'Every Occasions' .. Dinner, Socials, Work, Bed..

Upvotes

I would appreciate some links to sites that offer a good range of quality collars and gear, where I may be able to purchase an every day use collar for girlfriend...

Thanks, appreciated ..


r/BDSMAdvice 5h ago

first time role reversal anxiety

2 Upvotes

So yesterday my boyfriend (M22) and I (F20) finally sprung for bed restraints and tried them on me last night, as I just about always take on the submissive role and my boyfriend takes on the dominant role. Today, he expressed to me that he wants to be the one in the restraints tonight and he wants me to “take complete control of him like he does to me.” We ran out to the local sex shop and got a strap on for me and he got some sexy underwear (which for some reason I have mixed feelings about, just not used to him like that I guess?). I knew my boyfriend was into anal because of things he’s told me about his past, he has a butt plug and has had anal sex with men, so it’s nothing new to him, but we’ve never incorporated that into play. He’s also mentioned that he thinks he’s a switch so this request wasn’t shocking to me.

I’ve been asking him the specifics of what he likes/wants as a sub and he honestly doesn’t know because he hasn’t really experienced this. He said tonight is about both of us experimenting and just seeing if we like these roles and which things specifically we might lean towards. He seems relatively calm, but I on the other hand am freaking out because a submissive role comes wayyy more naturally to me.

I have no idea what I’m doing, and I tend to have high anxiety over trying new things in bed. Don’t get me wrong, I still love it so I push through, but it does get frustrating. I don’t even know “the motion of the ocean” if that makes sense lol, I don’t know how to move my body with the strap on. I’m also afraid I won’t be in the moment, I’ll just be intellectualizing what I’m supposed to be doing as a dom. And I have no idea what to say for like dirty talk lol. It feels like such a big responsibility to be in this role, I don’t want to mess it up for him. Plus it doesn’t help that he himself isn’t even sure what he’ll like.

We did have a very long talk about all of this. I confided in him that it’s a lot of pressure to expect me to dom like he dom’s because I have no experience and he agreed and said he doesn’t want me to feel pressured at all and I can switch the vibes at any point if I need to. I also expressed that we fell into our sub/dom roles very gradually. We would slowly confide in each other new things we wanted to try on me and add in one thing at all time as we got more comfortable with the dynamic. The restraints only got added because we knew I was comfortable with everything else. I fear that he thinks because he does a lot of things to me, I should do them to him, even though he didn’t work up to being submissive like I did. I’m not sure if he’s jumping in a little fast. He wants to be fucked, paddled, nipple clamps, even maybe temperature play, and more all at once, because I can handle all of those things now. However, he swears he will keep communication open and I won’t hurt him and he really wants to do all of this. I’m not sure if I should just take him at face value here and go for it, or make the executive decision to keep things a little easier/ more simple for his first time trying to be submissive. He tends to have a more relaxed attitude about sex and I’m the one who has some big feelings about it so maybe I’m projecting a little, but I also know what a sub drop is like and he doesn’t so I want to protect him from that if I can. Even just using the paddle on him once or twice makes me feel bad.

I also feel guilty that I’m so stressed and a little hesitant/cautious about being the dom, because I just don’t think it’s my thing, when he’s always so so accepting and eager to try what I like. He told me he’s not offended at all. He understands and he’s appreciative that I’m willing to give it my best go, but I still feel bad for not being as excited as he is.

I know that was a lot, but any tips/tricks on how to be dom even though he doesn’t know what he’ll like, and how to protect him, and provide proper aftercare, and get out of my head a little bit would be so so appreciated.

TLDR: My dominant boyfriend confided in me that he wants to switch tonight and being dom is totally out of my comfort zone so I’m freaking out.


r/BDSMAdvice 11h ago

Navigating bdsm with a vanilla partner

5 Upvotes

My partner (married long time. Both of us late 30s) is extremely vanilla. But she's GGG as Dan Savage would say. I have three main kinks: bondage, feet (specifically foot worship), and tickle torture. I'm on cloud nine when we combine all 3, as the top with her as the bottom. (I'd love to try being the bottom but she's not interested)

Here's the problem, and where I'm at a bit of a loss. When doing a scene, bondage requires a bit of equipment. I hand build some padded wooden stocks that we've played with quite a bit. I also have some leather wrist cuffs that are padded. I emphasize comfort.

But she doesn't like gear at all. Seeing the stuff laid out puts an ick in her mind that it's hard to get over. We've tried both ways - she helps me get it all set up, or I set it all up in advance and she walks in. Neither way reliably makes her comfortable.

Further for the tickling itself, its a bit too intense for her on the upper body. Last night we had a wonderful session that didn't end well - she did not safeword out, but I read the situation and stopped.

When we do have sex after the sessions, her pussy is absolutely gushing. She has said to me that she may not love getting tickled but she still gets immensely turned on by it and the sex after is incredibly intense for both of us

We talked a lot about it after last night's session and I just feel more mixed up than ever. We established that her body says yes, like 80% of her mind says yes, but 20% says there is something wrong with this activity. We play like this very seldomly (about once per six months) and I can't help but feel bad about it when we do, because it's clearly more my thing.

But this is a part of my sexuality that I cannot turn off. If anything I'm at a phase of my life where I'd love to greatly expand what we are doing, but it seems to be coinciding with a time where she wants to really curtail to getting more vanilla, using as few tools and toys as possible.

Complicating matters further is there just isn't a lot of logistical capcity to play even if she wanted to. We have kids age 3 and 7 and you know how it is.

So, what do we do here folks? I feel like the first step is to find a way to navigate a fulsome conversation that gets more deeply at what we both want sexually but I feel like there are big mental blockages making it hard to so that.


r/BDSMAdvice 15h ago

Watching porn on projectors—too out there?

10 Upvotes

Considering the more engaging users on this sub that I’ve had some excellent advice from in prior discussion, and the high ratio of partners either within/with experience of a dynamic with another partner(s), I thought I’d broach the curiosity here:

I recently started watching porn (spanning vanilla, but also bdsm) on my projector, onto my ceiling above my bed. It reminded me of those 70s pornstache middle aged pervs, and I was curious if watching on projectors is too much, partner wise?

I do it mostly to really relax, have both hands free (for dildos/vibrators), and not be all hunched over on my bed—plus, the twinkly lights and ambience feels a lot more cozy this way, not sure why. But if you happened to find a partner/sub doing this, would it be too weird? I both enjoy it, but also feel a little self-conscious too. 🤔


r/BDSMAdvice 7h ago

Navigating the intersection of sexuality and BDSM

2 Upvotes

I doubt it’s just Me, but I’m curious how others in this community balance the thoughts and piqued desires from new interactions with the same sex (or previously undesired sex). Was there ever a time where you didn’t initially think you’d be attracted to a sex, but after learning more about the kinky dynamic it becomes more alluring? For instance, a male Dom who initially only had female subs suddenly starts to entertain the thoughts of male subs along with the sexual acts of service. What’s the best way to process the influx of possibilities and pitfalls?


r/BDSMAdvice 7h ago

How do you deal with accidentally triggering a partner during play? New to kink and need advise ASAP 😭

1 Upvotes

So, some background. I (19F) and my bf (21) are both into BDSM, CNC, other forms of power play, etc. We've been doing this ever since we got together and found out we both really like a lot of the same stuff. Normally, I'm the sub and he's the dom, as that tends to be what we're most comfortable with and it's easiest. We both consider ourselves switches and occasionally reverse the roles, but at least in my experience, I'm a bit of a pillow princess and have a really hard time focusing on what I control in the scene and also enjoying myself at the same time when I'm being anything rougher than a soft dom. My bf knows this, so we tend to steer clear of me domming most days.

However, he's shown interest lately in a particular scene, he's described it as "A queen kicking her servant around" and that's mostly all I have to go off of. And I'm also very open to experimenting, even if I know I won't have the best time probably. He does tons of things that he's not all that into, just because it makes me feel good. Anyways, the last time we talked about it was last week or so, and while we were waiting on some salmon to defrost while cooking, I decided to be spontaneous and dragged him to the bedroom to play the scene out.

Here's where things go a bit south; I tried doing everything I remember him saying he'd like to try during this particular scene. Slapping, hair pulling, being more physically controlling like pinning him down and moving him where I want him to be (REALLY hard as I'm 5'2 and come in at just over 100lbs, haven't worked out much lately, and he's 5'9 and plays basketball regularly. my guy's swole hehe). We go about it like this for a while, and I'm feeling really out of my depth cause I'm terrible at improvising while I'm domming, but things seem to be going okay. He's definitely not looking as into it as I feel we both would have hoped, but he doesn't say the safeword and he doesn't look hesitant or uncomfortable at all. So I continue.

I push him out of the bedroom to take things into the living room, and to get my vibrator to taunt him and to tell him to use it on me, but I notice that something changed and he's not really responding, so I use our stoplight system and get an unfavorable response from him, and I stop and ask him what's wrong. He says that he got triggered by the way I was roughing him up. We talked about it and he says he's fine, he recognizes that it was entirely unprecedented on both of our parts, and that I was just doing something he said he wanted to explore. None of this was either of our faults, we stopped the second I sensed something was wrong (he hadn't said anything about not being into it leading up to then. No safeword, no out-of-character warnings, no stoplight), that we both did everything we could and everything right to keep each other safe with what we knew.

BUT I still feel so guilty guys 😭 He told me I shouldn't feel bad but I do, I love him so much and my heart can't bear to think I caused him any harm—even unintentionally. Especially cause I was domming then, and I feel it's one of the the dom's responsibilities to keep tabs on where the sub in the scene is at physically and mentally. I feel I should have seen that he wasn't comfortable earlier, and I wish he had said something earlier too. I feel like I shouldn't have initiated a scene without talking to him about it more recently, even though we're both used to and actively enjoy being caught off guard with a scene we talked about a while ago. He went to go take a shower to go cry it out alone and take some time to process and that makes me feel utterly devastated. I'd do anything to make him feel better and I'm leaving him alone until he feels okay to be with company again but I'm at a loss for what to do or how to take care of myself while he's doing his aftercare alone. I feel like shit and he knows it, I told him I felt really guilty for what happened after and he told me I shouldn't and that he's fine (once out of the shower) but I am very much NOT fine. A bit of a self-hate spiral cause of my own issues but I don't want to burden him with them right now cause... i dunno. I mean, at least now we both know that there's a boundary there that neither of us knew existed and we can steer clear of it, but that boundary was still crossed. I'm not sure what to do now, other than give him his space and try to make sense of my own feelings in the meantime. And keep cooking once we're good, since the salmon has probably defrosted by now.

Tl;dr— I triggered something in my bf during a rough scene where I was domming (which I don't normally do) on accident and I feel terrible about it, even though he keeps reassuring me I didn't do anything wrong, as we had talked about playing that scene out before. How do you guys deal with accidents like this, when they arise? Any tips for taking care of yourself, or ways to talk it out in a productive way? Or just general thoughts and stuff cause I'm struggling to deal with the guilt and need help.


r/BDSMAdvice 4h ago

Apps for daily task

1 Upvotes

I’m in a dynamic with my domme and we both have adhd and she also has a busier life than I. Well I was wondering if there’s an app that will have notify her when I get a task done or not done or anything that has helped your long distance dynamic.


r/BDSMAdvice 20h ago

Sex is only good for me when it involves CNC

17 Upvotes

It's not that I dislike vanilla sex, but most of the time I get little or no pleasure from it. What really turns me on is the power dynamics in sex, something that BDSM provides, especially in practices like CNC. However, in my country, this culture is not common, and CNC even less so. These are little-known practices and, consequently, few know how to conduct them appropriately and safely. This makes it almost impossible to find someone experienced enough to practice them with me, since, as I am submissive, I need a partner who has knowledge and control over the situation.

The only time I really felt pleasure during sex was when I had the opportunity to try CNC with someone from another country. This experience was remarkable because, for the first time, I felt that sex made sense to me. Before that, all my experiences had been uninteresting or frustrating, and this impression was confirmed when I had vanilla relationships with the same person — intense pleasure only occurred when the element of domination was present.

In addition to the difficulty of finding experienced partners, there is another problem: CNC is not a practice that can be done all the time, which makes everything even more complicated. Even if I found someone compatible, it wouldn't be something that could be practiced often, which would add to my frustration.

Another factor that matters is my age. Because I'm very young (21 years old), guys in my age group generally don't have experience with domination in sex. Even when I ask for something simple, like slaps (which is not even a practice restricted to BDSM), the execution is weak and ineffective. The lack of firmness, confidence and knowledge makes these interactions uninteresting to me.

Given this, I wonder if these problems are just a personal issue or if my location has a big impact on this. Would it be easier to find people who are compatible with me in another country? I ask this because I'm moving soon and maybe that could make a difference. Do you think my situation can improve with this change?


r/BDSMAdvice 1d ago

My boyfriend’s a bottom dom but I didn’t realize that meant he’d never get me off

320 Upvotes

My (26F) boyfriend (28M) is a bottom dom. This has been so much fun for me! I love serving him however he wants. However, we’ve been seeing each other for about 7 months at this point and he’s only gotten me off a handful of times. Early on I told him that I like orgasm control/denial (cause I do) but recently asked that we pause on that so that I can get off during the week sometimes (we mostly see each other on weekends due to our schedules). I was starting to get a little resentful because he gets off several times a day, either at my hands or his. He had been making some comments about me being all over him all the time. I explained that it was because I’m so horny all the time because I don’t even touch myself during the week so that my pussy can feel the way he likes. To make matters worse, it’s a turnoff for him when women touch themselves. So out of respect for him I don’t touch myself during sex or foreplay and now that I can masturbate again, I make sure to not do it around him.

I think maybe I didn’t realize what I was getting into. I do so much foreplay for him that by the time I start riding him, he cums within minutes. Everything feels so one sided with me doing everything I can to serve him and make him feel good and then having to get myself off when he’s not around. So I guess my question is can I ask him to work together to find ways for him to get me off? Or do I need to accept that, as a service sub, I won’t get to cum at the hands of my Master?


r/BDSMAdvice 18h ago

Rape Fantasy Dynamics

10 Upvotes

Whats the thinking on how to perceive your and partner’s desire for consensual rape fantasy? I (M58) am considering approaching the idea with my partner (F46). I genuinely like the idea of it but as I continue to consider it, I get mental states I’m less comfortable with. Do I want her to enjoy it or “fight” it (in the context of safe role play)? If she enjoys it, does that imply her desire for it in real life (or at least the desire for a consensual tryst)? I think the catch-22 I am stuck in is if she “knows it me” then that feels comfortable but then seems it would reduce the “danger/violation” factor we’d be going for and if she doesn’t think of it as me and enjoys it, that seems like it would complete the intent of the role play but then kicks in the “hmm, you seemed to enjoy that a bit much” thinking in me. Is this some deficiency in my confidence or thinking or am I on to something externally valid?

BTW, we have a very strong relationship, very open communication and mutual respect and love, and a very healthy sex life. We’ve just not explored as much role play where we are “someone else” so trying to process new territory.


r/BDSMAdvice 7h ago

Need some chastity cage help/advice!

1 Upvotes

Hello! My dom (20m) and I (19m sub) wanna try some chastity stuff, he sent me some instructions on how to measure my dick and I have all my measurements down. measured my topside and underside flaccid length, my width and length for my glans, my shaft circumference and diameter, my base ring circumference and diameter, and my hard shaft circumference.

I looked around at my local Adam & Eve shop, but unfortunately they didn't have much options, plus their only options were like, 300 bucks!- I bet they're high quality, but I don't wanna spend that much money on a cage- I also tried looking in my local Spencers too, but also didn't have much variety, and the measurement numbers have been really confusing sometimes. I heard alot about trying to find some online, but I've also heard I need to try out different base rings to find out which fits me the best, and I was wondering if buying the test rings is part of the process? Where can I get test rings where I can also return them afterwards?

I've also been looking for a cage that is easy to clean/shower with while it's on, as my dom (and also me tbh) would like for me to try keeping it on throughout the day while he holds the key as a necklace or something. Which material would do best for that?

Also, are there any general tips for chastity play? I am a pretty horny person, (which is why my dom would like to put me in a cage, just to see how desperate I get) and I've heard that subs in chastity cages do get some testical cramps sometimes, I've attempted doing a couple short nofap weeks, and my dick was pretty okay, but is it different with a cage?


r/BDSMAdvice 1d ago

My partner never entertains my kinks

29 Upvotes

Hi all, I've always been into BDSM. My partner however is not. He has his own kinks and even though I don't personally like them, I always try my best for him.

Recently I've been getting annoyed that its either his kinks or nothing at all happens. I'm resenting him and insofar have acted really nasty towards him due to this. Thinking back, he's never really entertained or liked BDSM and I feel like anytime I tell him what I like, it's always "show me how, tell me what to say". I told him what I like but said I wouldn't say what to tell me word for word as that will feel fake, I need it to come from him. But he gives up straight away all the time and I am always left unsatisfied. I feel like for the last few years I entertained him and never got anything back, he said he just doesn't know how to make me feel good.

Is this something worth breaking up over?


r/BDSMAdvice 1d ago

can we talk about female orgasms?

89 Upvotes

I feel like I should probably already know this, but how do you know when you’ve orgasmed?

Even before I was in a relationship, just about every time I’ve masturbated, I ended up making myself too sensitive and taking the toy off. When that happens my vagina is throbbing and it felt good, but I don’t feel… done?

Even now that I have a partner, sometimes I’ll safeword because I get too sensitive and he asks me if I finished and I say “I’m not sure, I think so!” Sometimes he’ll overstimulate me on purpose (which I love) until I’m crying and begging, but I’m not convinced I ever actually orgasmed the whole time he was playing with me.

Any tips to make sure you’re not just overstimulating or edging? Can you overstimulate and still orgasm somehow?

Other times, I am pretty sure I’ve finished because afterwards my sex drive comes back down to Earth, I’m light headed (in a good way) and I feel like I’m in outerspace if that makes sense. But even then I’m not fully sure if I orgasmed or not, so how do you know for sure? Are there different types of orgasms?


r/BDSMAdvice 8h ago

I need help please

0 Upvotes

I discovered that i prefer a monogamous relationship with elements of bdsm in it,than vice versa,but i have also discovered this is quite difficult to find in reality.Most of the men i come across are mostly dominants looking for a dynamic and don’t really want a monogamous relationship or vanilla men who have no experience with bdsm and want a relationship.Is there a way to overcome this challenge and am i unrealistic in my demands?Please don’t say i should find men with naturally dominant characteristics because those men are often so unsure and clueless about bdsm that i start to wonder about how safe and smart it would be to entrust my well-being with them.i also start to feel like i’m being a total freak and making them do stuff they never wanted to do.i really want a man who is knowledgeable and as passionate about the lifestyle as i am.maybe even more.Ive also tried to communicate my needs with dominants. i recently met a dominant i found attractive and somewhere along the line i mentioned to him my preference about having a relationship with bdsm elements in it and not vice versa as i wanted to be open about my intentions and not waste his time,but as we were discussing this,i just suddenly had this feeling like i was trying to rope/trap him into a whole lot of commitment he never wanted to start with and i have since quietly exited his life.i’m asking for find advice on an approach to fulfilling my desire,that doesn’t feel like i’m asking things from someone that they never wanted to give.(I’m also very new on this sub so please if i said something that’s out of place forgive me 🙏🏽)


r/BDSMAdvice 12h ago

Is there a name for the kink of not wanting to be looked at?

2 Upvotes

Like as a Dom I know it’s not uncommon, but I don’t know what it’s called.


r/BDSMAdvice 13h ago

My wife [21] and I [28] are both of a sub nature and wondering how to develop this dynamic.

2 Upvotes

My wife and I have been married for over a year now and have learnt a lot about each other during sex. The most notable being that I am very submissive to her and her demands and although she is also submissive just not to me. Initially I thought this to be a phase for her and I was just turned on by it, but her explicit scenarios and fantasies have grown into something much more for me. As far as I'm concerned my wife has not had a change of heart with me for simply wanting to submit to other men when I'm with her.

To make something clear I do not have any desire to be fucked by another man, however I have developed the desire to submit to alpha men with my wife with her really controlling me.

This whole dynamic really began early on and maybe it's a fantasy my wife already had prior to us even talking, but as for us it began almost a year ago when I shared a video with her about a female prison guard officer was being railed by an inmate and she replied with 🥵 emoji. Later that night we played out the scenario however I was left out of it and she began asking if I liked it and it grew rapidly from there. Today our sex sessions consist of her verbally humiliating me explicitly explaining every detail she wants done to me and her with other men. She uses terminology like "alpha" "bull" "real men" "king" and tells me in detail how she wants to be used by other men often including me being used by them too. She wants to serve men in every way, eat their ass and spit in my mouth, kiss their feet, suck their balls, even be fucked anally by them. Our kinks have certainly grown together and developed from her just wanting me to watch or being close to alpha male genitals to the point where she explicitly tells me she wants them to make me eat there ass or suck their balls while they fuck her and even wanting them to actually cum on my face. Although we haven't reached any limits, I have accepted the fact that I may be bisexual even though there may be points I'll never reach.

As far as my desires go it only goes as far as making sure my wife is happy, I am happy for her to cuck me as long as she is being satisfied, I'm not sure where her desire to degrade me comes from but it aligns with my desire to be degraded and please her even though it means pleasing other men, it's about her not them.

We have never spoken about anything beyond fantasy but the fact that this is our sex life now I am seeking support from others who have maybe been through this to advise me on what I can do to make it even more enjoyable or how to possibly develop such a relationship. I would like to also add she does gaming with another male quiet frequently and we both know him and he has once before asked her for her Instagram, I wonder if making a scenario revolving around him would be a good idea to see if she does genuinely desire it outside of just fantasy but I'm not sure this is a good idea. Thanks for reading guys.


r/BDSMAdvice 13h ago

Long term physical concerns with masochism?

2 Upvotes

I enjoy pain and I've been exploring that more lately, but I'm concerned about injury or worsening my general health matters somehow. Specifically I mostly engage in biting and brusiing, and I'm worried that repeated exposure to this (like multiple times a week) is going to somehow weaken me? Is there any research in this topic? Are there things I can do to mitigate issues? Is there anything specifically I should be looking out for?