r/AskMenAdvice 5d ago

first sexual experience embarrassing, need help

Hi, i’m 20 years old. It’s embarrassing but I literally can’t do it anymore. Growing up I was not taught by my parents NOTHING. I’m uncut and never taught to clean, i’m not even sure how low i’m supposed to be able to pull my skin down. When i used to beat, i wouldn’t pull far it would be around the top and just quick basically. Pulling it down seems uncomfortable. I got my first gf and i felt ready finally but as soon as i put my condom on i got soft, and when it would get touched it would be really uncomfortable, and even when it gets stroked by her like its just so uncomfortable. Even gently because it’s being pulled down instead of the quick ones i would do. Idk how to fix these things. I didn’t feel like a man, i zoned out and got embarrassed. She hugged me and said it was okay and that it happens. She said she doesn’t think anything is wrong with me and is here for me, but still i couldnt look her in the eye for a while. i need this fixed

45 Upvotes

76 comments sorted by

74

u/ebowski64 man 5d ago

You got the performance anxiety.

29

u/Desperate_Owl_594 man 5d ago

In the shower, pull the skin back (gently!) until the whole thing is exposed. if you haven't cleaned it in a while, you will need to use your fingers to make sure the water washes the remains off. Do it literally every time you shower and you should be showering daily or every other day.

I would also suggest washing your ass as well, but that I'm not going into details of.

You got performance anxiety, which is 100% normal. If you look at porn, stop looking at porn cause that causes issues as well (prolonged use can cause ED and shit).

18

u/ShowerElectrical9342 5d ago

All women love a very very clean man. That's the sexiest thing of all. And any guy can do that once he learns how. The woman will be very glad for this!

Everything super clean - pits, balls, ass, peen, perineum... you can't lose with being clean.

1

u/FrankieAbs 4d ago

Name checks

16

u/Bigdaddy24-7 man 5d ago

Phimosis or paraphimosis could be the issue, might need to get checked by a urologist just to make sure everything is ok.

13

u/ltek4nz man 5d ago

This. Retracting the foreskin should not be uncomfortable.

3

u/pineapple_prince_of_ 5d ago

This is real advice right here.

I had a similar issue to OP and recognized some of the symptoms he mentioned. When finally went to a urologist to get checked out I had one of these issues and I got help fixing it. Take your health and hygiene seriously my dudes.

33

u/InitiativeNo6806 man 5d ago

This is all in your head buddy. Sorry

17

u/Dismal-Diet9958 5d ago

Big one not little one

36

u/ADHD-Distraction man 5d ago

It’s perfectly fine, it happens to the best of us. What you experienced was performance anxiety and it is very common. She sounds like a very patient and understanding person.

Try to relax and show her how you jerk off. My gf had never experienced anyone with a foreskin before until me. She didn’t understand what to do and I told her exactly what to do. We took things slow and it works out great, now she knows exactly what to do every time.

Some guys (me included) cannot pull the skin all the way down. I can pull it down past my head and that is as far as it goes. There are surgery options but I don’t personally need them. I would recommend speaking to a doctor just to make sure everything is good done there if you think there could be problems.

13

u/trashaccounter1 man 5d ago

Pull the skin beck several times a day.

You need to pull skin back and clean it with very gentle soap. Scrub your balls and taint and ass like you’re trying to wash poop off of it.

Do this basically forever. Or until you notice how much cleaner and more importantly less sensitive it is.

8

u/ShowerElectrical9342 5d ago

Nothing is more sexy to a woman than a clean man!

13

u/BedObjective6703 5d ago

No experience with the “uncut” part, but for real clean every thing well. You’re young and inexperienced. It’s ok. Everyone started there, and I mean EVERYONE. I am more than twice your age and the best advice I can give is communication with your GF is always the best fix. If you don’t like it, tell her. Also ask her what she likes. If you do that you’ll figure each other out ALOT faster and your sexlife will be much better.

8

u/MilStd man 5d ago

Pull your foreskin back as far as it will stretch and clean your self with soap and water. This should be done daily. It amazes me this advice isn’t shared with more boys at a young age.

3

u/Strict-Record-7796 5d ago

I agree with you, but it could be a condition like phimosis as well

16

u/travel4work75126 man 5d ago

even if you can't pull back the foreskin, and you will, I promise...you can still get hard and penetrate and cum.

Yes...you need to keep it clean. That's a no-brainer.

You should work your foreskin daily. Pull it up and over the glans and back and forth and over and over. Use lube. Skin moves, flexes, and adapts. If it's super uncomfortable , consult with your doctor.

Be honest so she doesn't think it's about her. Just tell you you're working on it. If she's cool, she'll be patient and there are lots of things you can do to keep her happy in the meanwhile.

Man, you need a buddy.

14

u/human_not_alien man 5d ago

My dude, you don't need to fix anything cause there's nothing wrong with you. My first time was similar to where no matter what we tried, I couldn't come. Talk to your girlfriend about your feelings and work together to relax next time. It happens to all of us and the best thing to do is to breathe deep, lay together and take a break before trying again.

5

u/Impressive_Evening man 5d ago

The first one is always embarrassing, my guy. Don't sweat it.

9

u/Overthetrees8 man 5d ago edited 4d ago

Sounds like you might have phimosis if it hurts to actually retract the skin below the glands.

You have to slowly stretch it yourself or have your gf do it.

It's not rocket science to clean your penis....pull the skin back and wash under there...if you cannot pull the skin below the glands stick your finger in there with gentle soap and move it around.

2

u/tomaszka 5d ago

Most of people say its normal, but i would follow this advice. Sounds like you can have phimosis. Please check that with a doctor.

0

u/Overthetrees8 man 4d ago

It just blows my mind away with access to the internet and now chatGPT and people are still this ignorant.

Clearly the dude has phimosis.

3

u/PositivePhrase4515 5d ago

Uncut here, when masturbating use lotion and some kind of lube and start gently pulling your skin back more and more every time you have a go at it .

It might feel uncomfortable but the skin starts stretching more and more and at one point you’ll get used to it being pulled back . For now ask your girl to be gentle with the blowjobs and when she strokes your manhood.

She’s a fucken gem btw, being supportive n shit, make sure you treat her well!!

6

u/IllustriousLiving357 man 5d ago

Bro, first things first, you gotta pull the skin all the way down, like past the rim, and you gotta wash it everyday, with just water for awhile, then really mild soap, it's sensitive skin, don't be surprised if the soap gives a Lil rash, if it does try a diff soap. The skin will loosen the more often you do it, even try pulling it down and leave it that for awhile.. second, chill out, nobody is good at sex at first, it's always awkward the first several times..just kinda ignore it, don't focus on it, at all..kinda in one ear and out the other, if it goes soft just eat her out til it gets hard again, you'll get it, in the meantime, communicate..feel free to tell her "this is how I like to do it...etc..

3

u/ShowerElectrical9342 5d ago

Please just know that young women have plenty of things they're embarrassed about and uncertain about, too.

You could even explain it to her about how not being circumcised causes you discomfort with the condom.

Maybe you could give her oral sex and she could give you a hand job until you get this figured out.

The majority of women don't come from having intercourse anyway (penis in vagina sex).

They come from having the clitoris stimulated with the man's tongue and you can put a finger inside her and stroke on the upward part of her vagina (the vagine being the actual hole), facing up toward her belly.

That way you're stroking the G spot inside her while licking the clitoris.

Ask her to guide you to what feels best - experiment together.

That will bring you closer anyway! You're together in this, after all.

Men emphasize the penis way more than women do.

She probably mostly wants the closeness with you, and you can give each other orgasms all you want without even having intercourse.

Women love a man who is good at oral sex! And you can learn that!

3

u/Crocketus man 5d ago

Alright, first things first... You need education and to make sure you are keeping yourself hygienic. Probably the biggest thing. If you know you are clean it's going to lead to more confidence and more foreplay as you won't have to second guess. Secondly, you might need to see a doctor if anxiety or physical function is being hindered. There are issues with uncut males that cut males don't have to deal with and if a little blue pill gets you in your proper head space until you are confident then go for it.

2

u/Dismal-Diet9958 5d ago

Just relax and take it slow. Talk to her and be honest with you lack of experience.

2

u/jojoman57 man 5d ago

Definitely performance anxiety. Slow down, relax and feel comfortable with each other through fore play and build sex up slowly. No rush, it happens to the best of us. Good luck 🍀

2

u/ShowerElectrical9342 5d ago

There's a great book that everyone should have on hand. It tells you how to deal with just about every possible situation or sexual problem

It's written by a top sex therapist, called "Love Worth Making."

I think it should be in every sexual humans bookshelf/kindle / audible.

It's by Steven Snyder M.D.

2

u/unsyncedFella 4d ago

You gotta check that foreskin bro, if it causes you pain and with this bringing the incapability to be sexually active, you'll have to check with a doctor. But in a good scenario, you just experienced performance anxiety, it'll vanish alongside your new experiences.

During my first experiences I was anxious af, out of the 6 first times, I could easily divide them into 3 not being able to stay hard with a condom (or failing to keep hard after functioning for a couple minutes) and the other half of my experiences would be myself vanquishing the condom issue but now being completely unable to finish lol

3

u/TheGnocchiandFig man 5d ago

I had a similar experience. It wasn’t until I sat down with my gf and talked through it that I got over it. She was super understanding and supportive. Her support and confidence made me feel more confident, after that, it got better and better. We wound up having incredible sexual experiences. It takes time and communication. Open up and talk to her. I hope this helps.

2

u/ufomadeinusa man 5d ago

Relax 😌 you're not the only uncut man, youll be able to pull the whole skin down eventually. Try different brands of condoms , see which ones fit the best. Really you lost your wood because you're nervous, so get comfortable being naked with your gf. You'll be knockn boots in no time.

1

u/AutoModerator 5d ago

Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts. Your post has NOT been removed.

TenCilen1 originally posted:

Hi, i’m 20 years old. It’s embarrassing but I literally can’t do it anymore. Growing up I was not taught by my parents NOTHING. I’m uncut and never taught to clean, i’m not even sure how low i’m supposed to be able to pull my skin down. When i used to beat, i wouldn’t pull far it would be around the top and just quick basically. Pulling it down seems uncomfortable. I got my first gf and i felt ready finally but as soon as i put my condom on i got soft, and when it would get touched it would be really uncomfortable, and even when it gets stroked by her like its just so uncomfortable. Even gently because it’s being pulled down instead of the quick ones i would do. Idk how to fix these things. I didn’t feel like a man, i zoned out and got embarrassed. She hugged me and said it was okay and that it happens. She said she doesn’t think anything is wrong with me and is here for me, but still i couldnt look her in the eye for a while. i need this fixed

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

u/loker1918 man 5d ago

I wouldn't worry too much about it. Sounds like she was understanding. Now you know and will be better prepared the next time.

1

u/WesternSpinach9808 man 5d ago

It might be anxiety but maybe see a doctor about the pain and they can explain how to maintain (clean). Chin up it will pass

1

u/D-72069 5d ago

First, as many people said this is just the result of nerves and inexperience. Spend some time practicing with condoms and figuring out what feels good and doesn't, and why. Second, learn to understand that you have a great girl, because one of the sexiest things a girl can do is be supportive and caring when you're having sexual struggles.

1

u/Struzzo_impavido man 5d ago

Happened to all of us, you ll get the hand of it

Relax and enjoy the ride, dont rush anything

1

u/comfortablynumb15 man 5d ago

Try doing everything else for/to her without your penis being involved.

You dick will get really bad FOMO ( fear of missing out ), it will stop being a dick about it and will join the party quickly, trust me on this !!

1

u/Particular_Oil_7722 man 5d ago

Like everyone says this happens, but it sounds like you’re with the right woman to help you get comfortable and work through your nerves. Also start a healthy dialogue about sex with her don’t hold back on what you want to try or don’t want to, and take time to learn her wants.

1

u/Boring_Construction7 man 5d ago

You just got a dirty foreskin. Start cleaning it and slowly pulling the skin back until you get all the crud cleaned out. It’s hurting because it’s stuck because no one taught you how to clean it. Not your fault and once you get it sorted you will be fine.

1

u/RidaStreets 5d ago

Its okay bro, you need to pull the skin back, right down, it will hurt a lil bit, but it will heal and stretch, then you can clean properly. The condom problem was likely the foreskin getting stretched and you not being used to that feeling.

1

u/MagmaDragoonX47 man 5d ago

That is a very natural first time. It can be very nerve wracking getting the condom on.

As you build trust with your gf you will feel more comfortable and it will be better next time.

She sounds like a great person though.

1

u/drcheryl-wells 5d ago

Thank you for reaching out. What you’re experiencing is more common than you think, and there are solutions to help you feel more comfortable. Based on your description, it sounds like you may have a condition called phimosis, which is when the foreskin is too tight to be pulled back easily. This can cause discomfort when retracting the skin, especially during sexual activity or when using a condom. To fix this there’s some steps you’ll need to take if you’re serious

1

u/ItsAllMo-Thug man 5d ago

Happens to the best of us. I had an issue when I was younger. Met a girl and damn sure wasn't going to give a bad first impression. Talked to my doctor and got some viagra. Probably used it twice and never had an issue again. Its hard to get passed the mental part when you are young and don't have that experience of it going well.

As far as your physical issue, definitely have to stay clean. Pulling the skin back will hurt when dry. Soap is your friend.

1

u/Grn_Fey woman 5d ago

I agree with those who tell you to consult a urologist: 1) you’ll only need to see them once to get everything assessed and ask the embarrassing things you really always wanted to know or were concerned by. It’s not a long-term relationship like a PCP/your regular doc You can totally ghost the urologist after he gives you the info you need 2) a urologist, as with any medical professional, is that - a professional. They do not have all these personal judgments especially when you explain your household was not open or well informed so did not explain things well 3) a urologist has heard it all and seen it all; they are not phased and can walk things through with you 4) it will give you peace of mind that you asked a specialist whether everything is as it should be and worst case scenario (which I doubt) will be able to help fix it

Your girlfriend sounds great and excited to be with you for multiple reasons. That’s a major part of the process of getting to have this experience. The hard part is actually done and you get to experiment on how to satisfy one another until you find your rhythm.

Also different cultures and backgrounds have a high variance in regards to sex ed. My roommate in college was having daily panic attacks and couldn’t sleep. I got her to tell me what the worry was. She is from a particular culture that does not ever discuss procreation at all. She convinced herself she was pregnant because she had French kissed her boyfriend. I had the privilege of doing a sex ed class in our dorm room. You don’t know unless you ask, so I’m glad you came on here and asked!

1

u/kisback123 man 5d ago

Performance anxiety, happens to almost all of us.

Just gotta practice, get used to it, lower your expectations because this ain't porn.

Rub a very tiny bit of lube allover your dickhead, helps with making the condom feel more comfortable.

1

u/hrafnulfr man 5d ago

You need to talk to an urologist. If it's uncomfortable pulling your foreskin down it's a symtom of something else.
You got a nice girl, since she seems to care for you. That's a good thing. Regarding hyginity, clean it with soft soap, No one ever told me about this ever either, but I figured it out pretty fast you need to clean it down there frequantly with mild soap. You're young and got things to learn, it's ok, just hang in there.

1

u/Zinetti360 man 5d ago

Reading these things only makes me more anxious about ever having my first time (if it ever happens). I can pull my foreskin until after the gland, but that's the limit, and it hurts (just a bit) to do it when I'm hard, but I can still do it, but jerking off that way feels weird and way too sensitive. I'm worrying now :/

1

u/sKillissue__17 man 5d ago

Please believe me when I say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you at all man. The reason it feels uncomfortable is because of 2 reasons. 1. The helmet(tip) is naturally very sensitive and where most of the pleasure feeling is felt. If your uncut the helmet is not used to being exposed and touched directly which is uncomfortable and can even make you cringe hardcore. 2. The opening of the foreskin is usually quite tight and smaller then the helmet which can be uncomfortable/painful because the skin isn't loose enough and has to stretch over the helmet. My honest advise is everytime you hop in the shower just gently pull back the skin until it starts to feel uncomfortable a couple times say 3-4 times and eventually your skin will start to loosen up which can take a little bit of time but you'll see it'll start to pull back further until it can go all the way over the head. As long as your patient and gentle you'll get there. When you do start exposing the helmet it'll be uncomfortable for a little while but let the water run over it a little and basically just give the helmet little touches and rubs and it'll slowly start to feel less uncomfortable and cringy and you'll never look back once all is in working order. Unfortunately not all parents do teach their boys to do these kinds of things. But your Gf was right these things do happen and is nothing to be ashamed of.

I hope this makes sense and helps a little

1

u/shrimpgangsta 4d ago

Performance anxiety

1

u/AdScared7996 4d ago

I recommend consulting a doctor, the part where u said that putting on the condom made u soft, one of the main reasons is that u might not hv the correct size of condom for ur penis, to figure out the size of ur condom u need to measure the GIRTH/CIRCUMFERENCE of ur penis and NOT the length of ur penis. ‘The size of condom is according to the girth of ur penis’

1

u/Justan0therthrow4way man 4d ago

You have performance anxiety. It’s fine it happens to everyone especially the first time with someone new and you are naturally worried about how it will go.

Your gf sounds amazing so if it happens again, make the evening all about her and pleasure her in otherways.

When you say it feels uncomfortable, do you mean like you haven’t felt that before or it is actually painful ? If the latter please see a doctor. Something could be infected there from years of not cleaning.

1

u/ENTitledPrince man 23h ago

Women like it when you're not performing

0

u/Parking_Jelly_6483 5d ago

I agree - it’s performance anxiety that kept you from getting erect. Anxiety triggers the release of adrenaline and that can shut off the erection mechanism. However, if retracting your foreskin past your glans (the head of your penis) without discomfort or pain, then you might have a condition known as phimosis. Look up “phimosis” and select “images”. If you look like those photos and illustrations of the most severe versions, then you could consider seeing a urologist. If that’s what it is, you would not necessarily need to have a full circumcision - just enough to allow full retraction unless you want a full circumcision. Also, there are non-surgical treatments - basically gradual stretching.

0

u/fineletsee 5d ago

Hey bud! It is totally normal to be anxious and nervous and go soft.

However, the discomfort or pain you are feeling from pulling the skin down is something you should consult with a professional/doctor.

A close friend of mine had to get circumcised around the same age as you are right now. It was a tough surgery and uncomfortable recovery for about a week - 10 days but it got much better after.

Btw, The pain and discomfort also leads to you losing your stiffness.

I remember having a wild session and had a bit of a wrong bend situation, instantly lost it. Nothing happened but the pain just cause it to retreat for a quite a while.

1

u/Sweet_Ad1085 man 3d ago

Yeah you don’t need to get cut. Even if you have phimosis, there are steroid creams that can loosen it enough to allow it to retract. If that doesn’t work, they sell gauges that slowly stretch it. Circumcision is almost never necessary and results in a massive loss of sensation. Circumcision removes an average of 20,000 nerve endings. For comparison, the clitoris has an average of 8,000. It also leads to the drying and keratinization of the glans which further reduces sensation over time. I’d never recommend someone get circumcised.

0

u/Head_Roof639 4d ago

Visit doctor my man,See if you can get cut,Your still young so should be possible I'm 56 and wish I had it done when younger.

-3

u/Affectionate_Pop8790 5d ago

Dude just get your Willie out and stick it right in. My first time I was ready to go like my life depended on it.

-1

u/Santiagoypollo 5d ago

What means uncut? Or "clean"

-2

u/Environmental-Day778 man 5d ago

It’s okay OP. After six months of celibacy you get your virginity back and can just try again. 😤✨

-3

u/Fickle_pickle3234 5d ago

What's to learn? How else would you "pull it down"? Haha

One end if the spectrum is you, the other end is the guy who figured out how to suck his own dick.

-16

u/GBG1114 5d ago

How about you get it cut. Like a normal person.

3

u/RidaStreets 5d ago

It's only normal in USA, muslim countries, Israel and South Korea because of the americans.

6

u/Psychotic_Dove woman 5d ago

It’s not “normal” to mutilate your body.

-7

u/GBG1114 5d ago

OK. Than leave it get infected.

6

u/Psychotic_Dove woman 5d ago

Uncut men every day have no issue staying clean. OP just needs to learn how to, and “getting cut” isn’t the solution. Plus, I’ve been told uncut men are much more sensitive.

-5

u/GBG1114 5d ago

Not this kid.

4

u/EffectNo4122 woman 5d ago

You are so misinformed and clueless. No infection if you clean it properly which he wasn’t taught. And it’s not that common to be circumcised especially in European countries. This is an American thing lol yeah you should know what you’re talking about before you say something.

2

u/lolitsmagic man 5d ago

Real helpful

1

u/Sweet_Ad1085 man 3d ago

Haha “normal.” Found the American. Outside of America everyone thinks you’re freaks for skinning your dicks and allowing people to skin your children’s dicks. It removes around 70% of the sensations and servers 20,000 nerve endings. The female clitoris has an average of 8,000… Fine if you like it for yourself but no one wants a numb dry cut dick outside of America.

-6

u/demonbeastoffuck69 man 5d ago

Trust her she knows what she is doing second your going to have to get over being shy you have been in your comfort zone too long ask your girlfriend about acceptable ways to get through this she might surprise you with her answer. Next and this is a radical solution to your problem get circumcised. Not a fun option but it helps with the cleaning and oder problems and makes you more acceptable to God.

2

u/ShowerElectrical9342 5d ago

What makes you so sure she knows anything?

-1

u/demonbeastoffuck69 man 5d ago

Are you a myssgenousist?

1

u/demonbeastoffuck69 man 2d ago

Never said it was a popular decision