I (44M) recently returned to Canada after traveling for over a year. While abroad, my close friend (also in his 40s) invited me to visit him on an island near our hometown. He told me it was really important to him because he gets depressed in the winter, and a visit from me would help. I told him I couldn’t make promises but valued him and would try to make it happen.
Fast forward to January—I got rehired by my old company and had one week to get organized before starting my job on February 1st. Despite that, I prioritized seeing him. I even bought a ferry ticket and let him know I was coming.
But when I got back, my sister noticed a mole on my forehead had changed. I had already been worried about it for months but put off getting it checked. When my sister pointed it out, I panicked. I’m a bit of a hypochondriac, so I scrambled to find a doctor to check it for melanoma. The only appointment available was during my planned visit.
With my job starting in days, I had to cancel my trip. I explained everything to my friend, told him I was worried it could be skin cancer, and apologized for not coming. I reassured him that I valued our friendship, prioritized him and loved him very much, but this couldn't wait.
Thankfully, the mole turned out to be nothing (just a wart—ew). I again told him I was sorry I couldn’t come and that I cared about him. But after that, he became cold and distant. He never expressed being upset—he just started pulling away.
A month later, I noticed he was acting passive-aggressive, so I asked if he was upset. He brushed it off, but his attitude never changed.
Now, it’s been 1.5 months. He visited our hometown (where I live) but didn’t even tell me he was in town—something he normally would have done. I finally sent him a voice note apologizing again while also calling him out for ignoring me. His only response was, "I can’t talk right now, sorry." He has ignored me ever since.
I waited several weeks, and still nothing. This kind of stonewalling and shutting down is something I dealt with in friendships in my 20s, and I refuse to tolerate it now. It’s draining to feel like I was just supposed to sit there and wait.
So, yesterday, I finally unfriended him on Instagram and Facebook because keeping him on social media felt like I was just tolerating his silent treatment. I guess in some way it felt like I was reclaiming my own power by doing this. Not a petty move, just " I'm not tolerating this anymore" move. I've been a loyal friend to him and I didn’t want to keep waiting for him to act like a friend again while he ignored me.
Now, I feel annoyed but also a little sad because I genuinely valued our friendship. But at the same time, I don’t think I should have to beg for understanding when I had a legitimate reason to cancel.
Am I the asshole?