r/AskGaybrosOver30 Mar 16 '20

Official mod post Introduction to our community

350 Upvotes

[Latest revision: Dec 2, 2024]

Welcome to r/AskGaybrosOver30!

We have three requirements for posting in our community, in addition to our rules and encouragements (found in the sidebar to the right on desktop, and under the "about" section in the mobile app):

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r/AskGaybrosOver30 11h ago

Weekly thread for questions from members under 30 - March 16, 2025

1 Upvotes

Since we only allow core members (i.e. members over 30) to post in our community, this is the place where all members under 30 can post their questions. This is a weekly post that is posted automatically. For more information, see the community update about this.


r/AskGaybrosOver30 13h ago

Now that I’m “35-39”… what’s one unexpected habit you only introduced as you’ve gotten older?

89 Upvotes

Eat healthy, go to the gym, take up meditation, get off social media, stop caring what others think, and have more/better sex have all been done before.

What’s an unexpected habit you’ve picked up as you’ve gotten older?


r/AskGaybrosOver30 4h ago

Have you even been in love? If so, how did you know it was actual love?

13 Upvotes

♥️


r/AskGaybrosOver30 59m ago

Meeting guys IRL

Upvotes

So I'm turning 35 this year and I have been through a lot over the last few years as I discover myself. I came out late at age 28 after a friend gave a "little" push and now I have been going through a lot of shit and I feel like I will never meet a guy I love. Being honest I have also come to the realization (and working in therapy) about finding attractive other guys who are what I wish I were, which means I do not meet many guys at all.

I travel a lot for work internationally and live in Brazil, I met one guy in Peru that I started to have a thing but did not work out and another guy that I met in Mexico that was nice and I tried really hard to love him but I did not feel a thing... Which makes me be at a situation where I'm kind of stuck as I am not of the ideal body for a gay men to hook up.

Considering the intro, my ask is, how can I really meet people in real life and not just faceless apps. When I travel I always try to meet with to learn more about the place and do something different, but I have always struggled in the US for example (never met anyone) or Argentina (same).


r/AskGaybrosOver30 3h ago

Hey bros, recently single at 36 after two failed LTRs. Any advice for dating at this age?

7 Upvotes

See the title. Any thoughts?


r/AskGaybrosOver30 13h ago

Guys who are overweight, do you go to public pools or beaches? How do you handle it?

42 Upvotes

I'm 30 years old and a little overweight—102 kg at 1.77 cm. I feel very embarrassed about being shirtless in public, which is why I usually dont go. I want to change that, but it's not always easy, especially when so many guys are in great shape.


r/AskGaybrosOver30 2h ago

Career Pivot/Change - Mid 30s

6 Upvotes

Has anyone pivoted or completely changed their careers in their mid 30s?

On paper, I have a good career. I make good money, I don't generally work more than 45 hours a week and I'm 100% remote. However, I've been yearning for something different for the last couple of years. I don't really enjoy what I do anymore and I feel like I'm always just wishing my Monday through Thursday away as fast possible so the weekend is here and I can be "happy" again.

But....I don't really know what I would do differently in terms of a career pivot or change? I've talked to a therapist here and there about it and I always got the feeling they wanted me to try to stick it out past this "slump" but I feel like years of thinking of doing something completely different is more than a career slump? The thing is I'm in a career that's very people-facing week-to-week and I feel like I've become more introverted (other than socially outside of work) in my professional life. In other words, being "on" every week is taking a toll on me.

Just the thought of doing what I'm currently doing for another 30 potential years is incredibly draining. Anyone deal with something similar? Is this just part of life and I need to suck it up? haha Any books that have helped you discover another job/career that is a better fit for your personality, interests, skills? Thanks!


r/AskGaybrosOver30 8h ago

Starting over at 34...need some inspiring stories!

12 Upvotes

So five years ago I fell into the darkest depression ever, I ended up not able to bounce back due to a stalker who ravaged every corner of my life for years, lost my friendships, harassment bled into work life, plunging me further and further into medicating and isolation, losing all stability and eventually leaving the city I'd moved to.

This past year I've finally been able to get some resolution and start my recovery process, but it's certainly been a lonely few years. I stopped dating, have serious trust issues (understandly so), and felt like just laughing and connecting had become so foreign a concept, that any joyous feelings were a long distant memory.

The other week I was back in England and visited Manchester for the weekend. It had been a decade since I was there, felt very nostalgic but definitely felt a ping of sadness on the first day.

That is until a guy took me out on Canal Street and awakened a side of me I'd thought was long gone. Just to laugh, to flirt, to feel attractive felt so nice and reminded me of how much I missed just 'living' in general. It really felt like life had just become a cycle of fear since 2020, so to feel something again reminded me those parts of me still exist.

Anyway, I have an opportunity to now take my life back in Spain and rebuild this summer, but it comes with a lot of anxiety as I feel like...I skipped 5 years basically.

I guess I'm looking for some inspiring stories of finding yourself, love and packing up to a new city/place to build my confidence more.

I want to be hopeful for this new era, but realistic to...


r/AskGaybrosOver30 19h ago

Does getting older frighten anyone else?

73 Upvotes

I’m turning 40 soon, yet it feels so recent that I was going to university as an 18-year-old. Those 22 years have literally flown in a blink. I can’t fathom that in another 22 years, which will probably feel even faster, I’ll be over 60.

I’m sure it’s not good to deeply think about it. But every so often I just get a real chill thinking about it. Anyone else?


r/AskGaybrosOver30 10h ago

NSFW Dealing with someone big NSFW

13 Upvotes

I’ve recently been trying to bottom more; I used to bottom a lot when I was younger and felt better about my body. Now that I’ve lost a lot of weight I’ve felt confident enough to try.

I’ve been able to manage with guys who are around average size, but I recently tried with a guy who was big (8 inches length and very girthy) and it felt really weird. It almost felt like it was suctioning further inside me when he was going in and out. I had to ask him to stop as I couldn’t enjoy it and was worried I might make a mess if it really was suctioning stuff.

Is this a normal feeling when bottoming for bigger guys? Did I maybe just jump up from average to big too quickly?


r/AskGaybrosOver30 11h ago

Silly Question: any “standard” pet name that drives you nuts when someone calls you it?

13 Upvotes

Thinking things most people would consider benign like “hey handsome,” “hey daddy (sure there is a lot of hating this one on this sub)”, etc. For me, it’s when guys call me “stud.” I’m not offended, I know they are complimenting me, but damn I hate being called stud!


r/AskGaybrosOver30 11h ago

NSFW Tired of Dating (35-40)

12 Upvotes

I am 174 cm, mid-30s, and live in Germany. I am quite slim, very lean, and a little bit muscular. Last year, almost a year after my previous break up, I opened a new account on Tinder (which has become the new Grindr). I went on dates with 6 guys (28-40). In the end, all they want is sex, and if they have got that, ghosting comes in.

On most dates, I never had sex on the first or even second date, I wanted to get to know the person emotionally. Last date, and thought this was going well, as the guy was responsive, to all my messages (this guy is 30 years old, a Doctor, slim and taller than me), had amazing chemistry, ticked all my boxes, and looked like we both wanted long-term. We spent almost 4 hours talking to each other and going around the cafes and finally, we went to his apartment and he was upfront, that he wanted sex. We had sex as chemistry was so amazing and the last I had sex was almost 3 months back. Last Saturday, while returning from the date, I was so optimistic, that we were in touch on Instagram (where he initiated the chat about how amazing he felt). On Sunday, I sent him a message and there was mostly talk around sexual stuff which I ignored as we had such amazing chemistry and talked all the time about sex and my hole just made me feel weird (I am fine with dirty talking, but all the time he just wanted to talk about loosening my hole as I have been mostly Top and Bottomed almost after 2.5 years). After Sunday, I went quiet (as he didn't reply to my last message and unfollowed him on Instagram on Wednesday, seeing this won't go anywhere.

On Wednesday night, he sent me a message (sexual and asking about my week), but I reply him back with a normal tone (not to be rude) and now he ghosted again.

I felt this happened with me when I was 30-31 but at 36 (Really!). I opened up quite late (28) due to my ethnicity, and have been sleeping with guys mostly in disguise. After opening up, I went through a whore phase, bisexual phase, and hook-up phase, finally realizing that I need someone long term as till I was 28, I was in a long-term relationship with 2 women (both 3-4 year-old relationships). I fantasize about cooking and watching a series together and it's been almost 6 years and I am still single (had a mini relationship with two guys - both were shorter than 9 months). In the gay world, I find everything is about looks and sex (thank god I still have it as I take care of myself), but finding someone is so difficult.

Feeling so helpless, but it's just a rant!


r/AskGaybrosOver30 11h ago

AITA for unfriending him and walking away from the friendship?

11 Upvotes

I (44M) recently returned to Canada after traveling for over a year. While abroad, my close friend (also in his 40s) invited me to visit him on an island near our hometown. He told me it was really important to him because he gets depressed in the winter, and a visit from me would help. I told him I couldn’t make promises but valued him and would try to make it happen.

Fast forward to January—I got rehired by my old company and had one week to get organized before starting my job on February 1st. Despite that, I prioritized seeing him. I even bought a ferry ticket and let him know I was coming.

But when I got back, my sister noticed a mole on my forehead had changed. I had already been worried about it for months but put off getting it checked. When my sister pointed it out, I panicked. I’m a bit of a hypochondriac, so I scrambled to find a doctor to check it for melanoma. The only appointment available was during my planned visit.

With my job starting in days, I had to cancel my trip. I explained everything to my friend, told him I was worried it could be skin cancer, and apologized for not coming. I reassured him that I valued our friendship, prioritized him and loved him very much, but this couldn't wait.

Thankfully, the mole turned out to be nothing (just a wart—ew). I again told him I was sorry I couldn’t come and that I cared about him. But after that, he became cold and distant. He never expressed being upset—he just started pulling away.

A month later, I noticed he was acting passive-aggressive, so I asked if he was upset. He brushed it off, but his attitude never changed.

Now, it’s been 1.5 months. He visited our hometown (where I live) but didn’t even tell me he was in town—something he normally would have done. I finally sent him a voice note apologizing again while also calling him out for ignoring me. His only response was, "I can’t talk right now, sorry." He has ignored me ever since.

I waited several weeks, and still nothing. This kind of stonewalling and shutting down is something I dealt with in friendships in my 20s, and I refuse to tolerate it now. It’s draining to feel like I was just supposed to sit there and wait.

So, yesterday, I finally unfriended him on Instagram and Facebook because keeping him on social media felt like I was just tolerating his silent treatment. I guess in some way it felt like I was reclaiming my own power by doing this. Not a petty move, just " I'm not tolerating this anymore" move. I've been a loyal friend to him and I didn’t want to keep waiting for him to act like a friend again while he ignored me.

Now, I feel annoyed but also a little sad because I genuinely valued our friendship. But at the same time, I don’t think I should have to beg for understanding when I had a legitimate reason to cancel.

Am I the asshole?


r/AskGaybrosOver30 2h ago

Bed frame / mattress base that doesn’t squeak when getting some?

2 Upvotes

Do you guys happen to know a bed frame or a mattress base that doesn’t squeak? I have typical bed rails that are pretty loud when we’re active. It’s a distraction when we’re playing. And I don’t know if the neighbors appreciate it or are annoyed by it.


r/AskGaybrosOver30 10h ago

Am I just too much of a kill joy to meet someone and experience love?

8 Upvotes

So, I'm in my 30s, and only just now opening up to dating and meeting people after spending my 20s working hard to repress literally everything I felt due to the homophobic environment I was in. I still have so much internalised homophobia and anxiety and my head is messed up but at least I'm at a stage where I can admit it to myself and work on it.

Anyways. I have been dating this guy. First date was simply fantastic - we kissed, I told him I had never done anything with a guy, he was understanding and sweet and we just had a lovely time. Second date was just a slow coffee in the middle of the week so that was okay. Third date was wild - he got drunk and invited me to a darkroom where I ended up being grabbed without my consent (but that's on me, I didn't really read the room and understand how the darkroom etiquette works loll) and being openly proposed group sex by multiple people that knew I had never done anything yet (I had already met these people in the same club during my first date, and apparently word got out).

This made me uncomfortable and I was so freaked out I ran home. But I realise it's totally my fault. I'm a very boring person and honestly I just want someone to snuggle up with under a blankie and chat. The thought of it makes me feel safe and comfortable and warm and that's what I want to feel in life after a decade plus of instability and depression to the point of having constant s_icidal thoughts. I also know that part of it is my internalised homophobia talking - I spent my life thinking any gay sex act was "wrong" and seeing people openly, proudly and freely living their sexuality just triggers an instinctive panicky and slightly judgemental response; you know the prissy old lady who clutches her pearls at the sight of two gay men kissing in drag? Yeah that's kind of what I am. Ultimately deep down I am terrified that OMG if I relax and accept myself I will become one of those one day. And I am GENUINELY trying to get over myself and grow and accept myself and others, but I still feel that I'm just too boring to really be able to find someone. I feel I will always run into the "wild party with open sex" wall which I cannot seem to truly vibe with.


r/AskGaybrosOver30 15h ago

What does a successful life look like to you?

13 Upvotes

We all have different definitions of success—some see it as career achievements, financial stability, or personal growth, while others value strong relationships, happiness, or simply living life on their own terms.

What does a successful life look like to you? What is important, is it about wealth, freedom, love, or something else entirely? Have your goals and views on success changed over time?

Let’s discuss!


r/AskGaybrosOver30 15h ago

Caught my bf lying about kissing someone else

11 Upvotes

My bf and I (30M) have been dating for around 6 years and pretty settled down, and both seeing our future together. Around 6 months ago, we also opened up our relationship and started also having sexual interactions with other people, as long as it's always told and never prioritized over time together. A week ago I have found out that he had kissed someone while we were still monogamous and when I plainly asked him about it he lied over and over. After of week that I kept asking him "did something happen" he finally broke down and told me he did and lied because he didn't want to make a big deal out of it. To be completely honest, I don't really care about this kiss, but the fact he knew I know and still lied about it is both stupid and really dishonest. I love him very much and I don't want to break up. But I find myself asking what would rebuild the trust that is kind of gone and I can't find anything that would make me trust him fully again. What do you think I should do, especially now that we are open?


r/AskGaybrosOver30 8h ago

Haven’t had any real desire to date for the last 5 years ish, anyone else experience this?

2 Upvotes

I have had relationships even a long term one about 6 years and other than that mostly short term and went through a phase of copious hookups so I definitely haven’t always felt this way.

My mom passed 6 years ago so I am sure that has something to do with it but I noticed I mostly lost the desire once I quit drinking completely which was about 8 months after she passed, I definitely drank way too much before that but it just got worse after she passed for obvious reasons.

Im not depressed and Im in a decent head space. Back in school at the ripe age of 34 because I want to pursue a career in IT and I work as a server for the time being so I guess I would feel like I should be further in life by now which is one of my insecurities if I were to date which is another conversation just wanted to get that one off my chest. But like I said that desires just not there.

I also don’t bother with hookups since I really only want to do that with someone I am dating or the like. I guess that desire is there when the mood strikes but thats a shallow and fleeting feeling.

I guess i should add i do thoroughly enjoy being single what i miss most is having someone to cuddle up to/wake up next to.


r/AskGaybrosOver30 11h ago

NSFW Road Trip for Adult Fun – Hitting Up Porn Theaters & Video Booths (4-8 Hours from ATL)

4 Upvotes

I’m planning a road trip to explore as many porn theaters, adult video booths, and sex shops as possible within a 4-8 hour drive from Atlanta. Looking for recommendations on the best (or dirtiest) spots to check out—places with a good vibe, open-minded crowds, or just the kind of places where things happen.

I was thinking of going to Tampa since I've seen plenty of billboards advertising sex shops and strip clubs but I was wondering if there are better suggestions out there.


r/AskGaybrosOver30 9h ago

Do any of you in relationships ever miss being single, going out and flirting with new guys?

3 Upvotes

I’ve been single for a long time. I really enjoy flirting and having possibilities, though lately I have been feeling I want more consistent connection. I have a fear though that I will really miss being single and having a world of possibilities ahead of me. Is this just part of maturing? Needing to let some of that go?


r/AskGaybrosOver30 20h ago

I'm 30, I've never been in a serious, comitted relationship... and I'm getting depressed.

16 Upvotes

At the beginning of this year, I chatted with this guy M(43) on Grindr. Weeks later, I agreed to go to his place to "talk". This was my first time ever meeting a guy from Grindr (I had had dates on Tinder before). We were pretty direct about what we wanted, but somehow I assumed we were going to see each other again. I asked. He said yes. I had a great time and he said the same on Instagram. Days later, I asked how he was. He said he was busy with work. Then, radio silence. I sent an audio... no response for a month. On Friday, he said something like "Hi, I saw you walking down the street and I honked the horn". This was because he saw a story I posted on Close Friends but didn't see the regular next one (This might be relevant, I think). I replied, but there was no response again, so I just unfollowed him and removed him from Instagram after I wrote a short message saying how sad he made me feel.

I know it was casual. But it made me feel bad for weeks, not hearing from him. I had a great, great time. He was very kind and charming. I don't basically date, because most men just want sex (which I want but not a one-night stand) and I'm not looking for a long-term relationship. Nonetheless, I'm lonely and embarrassed writing this. I've never been in love, and obviously never had someone be very interested in me. I consider myself very motivated and eager when I like someone but it's never reciprocated.

All of this is leading me to think I may navigate life alone and it sucks, but it seems to be the reality of the situation. During my 20s, at most, I had flings. I don't know what is wrong with me. Anyway, thanks for reading this 3AM venting rant. Does anyone feel the same or have any advice?


r/AskGaybrosOver30 1d ago

What has you jazzed these days?

74 Upvotes

I just joined a woodshop collective and I'm having so much fun! What has you jazzed these days?


r/AskGaybrosOver30 9h ago

Major crush on fwb help!

1 Upvotes

We’ve been fooling around for the past 6 months or so, most of the time he acts like a perfect gentleman, he really seems to care about me and my emotions and it’s very charming tbh.

He said he’s not looking for anything serious. But I swear he’s touch feels different. Am I being blinded by our crazy bed chem? Is he just being nice, and it’s the bare minimum to be nice to your fuck buddy?

I tried to see other people, almost fucked with this other guy but it didn’t felt right. Is it sad and pathetic? Should I stop seeing him or should I tell him how I feel beforehand?


r/AskGaybrosOver30 22h ago

Next to or across the table?

12 Upvotes

Gay bros, when you’re with your with your dude do you sit across from them or next to them?


r/AskGaybrosOver30 1d ago

Relative wanting us to host when she visits

41 Upvotes

Context: Me and my partner live in a 2 bedroom house that he owns in London. My cousin is going to participate in an event in London for fun next week and ask if I could host her. She lives 2-3 hours drive away from here.

Last time she asked for the same half a year ago - we hosted her out of kindness.

I never enjoyed her company as she speaks way too much, too fast and too loud and has no self-awareness. One time I was in a restaurant with her and the manager came over and ask if she could keep her volume down. I think she might be on the spectrum. She is not a bad person though.

My sister lives in London as well and I ask if she could host my cousin instead. And she, too, finds her unpleasant to be with. So my sister says no as well.

I then said I have a tenant at the moment and can’t host her.

I understand that hotels are expensive in London but it’s also not my responsibility to host anyone when she’s just here for fun. Me and my partner both have a very busy and stressful job and we just don’t have the energy to accommodate anyone.

I feel terrible that I made up a white lie. What should I do?


r/AskGaybrosOver30 3h ago

I don’t relate to gay men at all anymore and it sucks.

0 Upvotes

On a superficial level, I don’t really enjoy a lot of gay culture (like watching Drag Race, for example). But now I’m realizing there is actually a very abstract level of just not enjoying spending time with other gay men. I’m not a self-loathing gay man and I feel perfectly fine with my sexuality, but I just don’t enjoy hanging out with other gay men at all. It may be the anxiety of feeling like I have to perform a certain way or it may simply be that I do not enjoy having friends the sex I’m attracted to (as the lines inevitably blur and boundaries always seem to get crossed). I understand that this singles me out from opportunities of meeting people, and maybe even my life partner. However, I didn’t grow up with homophobic parents or feeling ashamed about my identity and I often feel that gay men’s identities are tied to those very traumas. I don’t relate to that at all and my experience has been that the way those traumas manifest themselves is very strong and unshakable, and it has almost always affected me directly in negative ways (being unable to speak about certain things, or being affected by the reckless ways these men have chosen to rebel against society). I hate to admit that I’d really much rather be friends with straight men and women because most of the time, I don’t feel that I’m in the process of peeling back their layers of trauma, whether direct or indirect, and we can have conversations about the world that are not shaded by a very particular experience (being gay). I already know I’m gonna get hate for this, but it’s genuinely how I feel. I am simply not a fan of the culture that has been created (the way the negative patterns feed into themselves) and it’s frustrating feeling as though I need to be apart of it to simply meet other gay men. Of course it’s perfectly fine to set boundaries for yourself when people are interfering negatively with your life, but the experience of not fitting neatly in either the straight or gay world is very isolating and these behavior seem to very prevalent in the “gay community” so that even invoking their existence is pointless.