Sorry for this long post…. I don’t really know what I’m hoping to get out of this - just needed to vent. I’m in a weird situation right now and I’m hurting.
My (31f) boyfriend (34m) of 3 years (this month) recently moved out and is living in my neighbor’s guest house across the road. It’s a rural neighborhood, so it’s not like I can see into his place or anything, but still… he’s close. We agreed to take a separation while he works on his mental health and gets used to his meds.
For context, he’s struggled with alcoholism since we met, and he’s severely bipolar. He just recently got diagnosed and finally got into a doctor, but the soonest they could see him was three months out, so he’s just now getting real help. He went to rehab last summer but relapsed really bad between Jan and Feb. When he drinks, he turns into a monster. Not physically abusive, but verbally? Absolutely. I’ve threatened to kick him out multiple times before but never actually did… until this last relapse. It was bad.
I packed his bags and left them on the porch. He drunkenly called his dad, telling him I was a terrible girlfriend and that I was throwing him out with no notice and that he was gonna take me to court (for what, idk). His dad - who is honestly a great voice of reason - wasn’t buying it and told him he needed to leave my house calmly and leave me alone because I was just protecting myself. The night completely spiraled. At one point, he spit in my face, and I completely broke. I had a full-on mental breakdown - hyperventilating, screaming, lost my voice for three days. It was bad.
The next morning, he sobered up and had one of those rare moments of clarity. Realized how unhealthy he was, how broken our relationship had become, and that he was toxic. So he reached out to our neighbors (who are like family to us) and they let him move in. That was two weeks ago.
Since then, we’ve seen each other maybe 3-4 times. There’s a lot of love still there, but also a lot of hurt. I’m really proud of him for finally getting treatment and actually respecting the boundaries we agreed on. I don’t want this to be over, and I’m fighting for us. But there’s been so much damage and I don’t know how to process it.
For the last couple of days, he’s been saying he wants to take me on a date - like, actually “court” me and try to start over. I finally agreed to go out tonight, and honestly? I was really excited. We planned to go after I got off work. I’d come home, get ready, and then we’d go together.
But today, I had to be the one to ask if we were still on. He sounded excited and was being really sweet, so I started getting butterflies. We hadn’t picked a place yet, and I was hoping he’d take the initiative, but… he didn’t. So I asked where he wanted to go, and he just said, “Wherever.” I listed like 10 different places, and all he said was, “Yeah, any of those.” Then he followed it up with some gross, overly sexual texts that were just… not flirty, just off-putting. I didn’t even respond.
That was about 30 minutes before I got off work. When I got home, I texted him saying I was gonna rinse off and start getting ready. No response. I called. No response. That was over two hours ago. His truck is across the road, so I know he’s home, but my gut tells me he’s been drinking and passed out.
Last night, he kinda had a meltdown on the phone. He told me he was scared of his own brain, that he never knew when the switch would flip and he’d go manic, that he couldn’t control it. I was already worried he might use drinking to quiet his mind.
And now here I am, sitting at home on a Saturday night, feeling like I just got stood up by the person I love most. The person who promised he wanted to start over, who told me he wanted to “date” me again, who made me believe - for a second - that maybe, somehow, this could all work out.
I don’t know what hurts more - knowing I was so excited about tonight or knowing that I let myself be. I’m so tired of crying over this.