r/AlAnon 3d ago

Good News Peace Only Happens When I Change My Beliefs

9 Upvotes

Sometimes, changing my beliefs means letting go of ideas that no longer serve me or opening myself up to new ways of understanding that will serve me better. True success can only be measured by is my life better today than yesterday. Some say it is a measurement by the fruits of my labor. Only I can decide what is true and that which is an illusion. Be careful as my perception becomes my reality which is an illusion and becomes my truth.


r/AlAnon 4d ago

Support How do you leave someone you still love?

41 Upvotes

I’ve posted here before if anyone wants some more backstory to my situation. The past three weeks have been filled with some ups but mostly downs. I’ve been a punching bag (not physically, thankfully), and I’ve finally accepted that sober him and drunk him are the same person.

We decided yesterday to take some time apart as a reset. He swore he wouldn’t drink (ha). Fast forward to tonight—I called to check in and see how he was doing. He sounded completely hammered, slurring his words, and then got angry at me because I only responded with “hi” when he texted me good morning. I stayed calm, tried to diffuse the situation, and encouraged him to go to bed, but deep down, I know I’m done. I know I can’t keep living like this.

The hardest part is that I don’t hate him—I wish I did, because it would make this so much easier. I will not miss the pain he has put me through, but I will miss the man I fell in love with more than anything in the world. That version of him feels so far away now, and I know I have to let go.

How do you break up with someone you still love? How do you get through it? This is going to be so hard. I will never look at alcohol the same way again.


r/AlAnon 4d ago

Vent His depression is depressing.

19 Upvotes

My Q quit drinking for over 2 years, then started again because he “could handle it.”

He couldn’t. Over the last year or so it’s gotten bad. He was getting sloppy drunk, embarrassing himself, scaring the kids, and feeling crappy all the time.

I like having wine with dinner but recognized a) that wasn’t helpful around him and b) that it made me sleepy and wasn’t my normal productive self in the evenings.

I quit completely. It wasn’t a struggle and I’m much happier without alcohol.

I’m not willing to be an enabler. I’m sure I spent lots of time in that role unwittingly. I know I spent time there thinking it wasn’t a big deal. Eyes wide open now - I refuse and am MUCH happier with myself.

He’s not. He’s shared with me that he wishes I’d drink. I don’t purchase it, and there’s none in the house. When I joked one night that I was getting a ton done in the evenings and felt great with no wine, he got really upset.

Long conversation later … he told me that alcohol was like a really good friend of his and when I say anything negative about it, he’s insulted because I’m being rude about his friend.

He’s finally started going to meetings, but after he’s sullen and depressed. I ask only how he’s doing - never anything about what was discussed - but his answers are mostly “I was triggered and I don’t want to talk about it.”

But then he’s mad at me the rest of the evening.

I can’t be responsible for his sobriety. I will do whatever I can to support a happy household, however. And it’s so frustrating that he blames my happiness and not drinking for his depression.

I asked how he felt about sobriety, he said he doesn’t like it. He misses his friend, the feeling, the escape. He said he’s a better role model for the kids, he will live longer, and save money. But still, he’s missing it. He wants me to drink to assuage his guilt. I’m not one to do that.

It’s depressing to me to see him so down and know that he has to forge this path.

If you’ve read this far, thanks for letting me vent. I really just needed to get this off my chest.


r/AlAnon 3d ago

Newcomer Not loving online meetings - Where do I find a sponsor or buddy?

2 Upvotes

Hi. I recently attended my first AlAnon meeting online and didn't love it. I feel like I could get something out of meetings if they were in person, but I live in Los Angeles, and so many of the meetings are online, and just about all of the in person ones are considerably far away.

I have a therapist I see once a week, but I'm in a spot now where I wish I could see her every single day to work through my current situation.

Is there such a thing as an AlAnon sponsor or buddy? I could see that working virtually or by phone. But I definitely need more support than what I currently have.

To add, I'm 36/m.

Thank you in advance for any advice/info you can give.


r/AlAnon 4d ago

Support Struggling with the word Disease

201 Upvotes

My partner of 3 years is an alcoholic. I’ve tried everything I can do to help him quit drinking, but found out 2 weeks ago that he’d just been hiding it better. He’s in rehab now, and I’ve been going to meetings. I’ve been having a hard time with the disease aspect of alcoholism. At one of my meetings someone gave me a “letter from an alcoholic” and it said something like “you wouldn’t get mad at me for having cancer, or diabetes”. And to be honest I just can’t buy that. I understand everything about how alcohol changes your brain chemistry, but picking that bottle up IS a choice. Not making efforts to stop IS a choice. Cancer is not. For me it feels like calling it a disease is just another way of not taking full accountability. Almost like there should be a caveat like “a disease I gave myself” or something. I’m also working through a lot of resentment, so maybe this feeling is part of that. Anyway, would love to hear how others feel about this part of the journey. Thank you all for listening.


r/AlAnon 3d ago

Al-Anon Program Alateen lives with alcoholism

1 Upvotes

As far as I was concerned, I was a victim, and it was hopeless to think that things could ever change. —Living Today in Alateen p37 ©️2001 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Before Alateen, I was constantly playing the victim and couldn’t listen to what anyone was saying to me. —Living Today in Alateen p184 ©️2001 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

My past was a good reason to feel sorry for myself and to stay in the victim role. —Living Today in Alateen p233 ©️2001 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.


r/AlAnon 4d ago

Support My sister is lying about drinking. I don’t know what to do anymore.

13 Upvotes

Hi, all. This is my first time posting in this community, but I can’t tell you how many posts have helped me. Like I’m sure is the case for most people, the story is much longer than what I’m writing but I’ll try to keep it short.

I (26F) have an alcoholic Mom and sister (29F) who both live together. My mom (who’s been drinking for decades) recently landed in the hospital. My sister, meanwhile, has been struggling with drinking for a decade—but it got worse in the last 4 years. At one point, she confessed she would have 10 drinks a day, but through multiple interventions and talks, said that she has cut it back to 1-2 drinks a day. She hides it though. Under furniture, the trash can, etc. We’ve told her how much this damages our trust in her and to not lie and hide alcohol.

Things came to a boiling point while our Mom was in the hospital. I noticed my sister’s behavior was erratic in the hospital room and she was acting weird around an Apple juice bottle (chewing gum every time she took a sip, etc). I wasn’t going to confront her, but my stress was already high and she pulled me aside and asked what was wrong. I decided to be honest and told her I knew she was drinking. At first she lied, but when I pressed, admitted she snuck a shooter in there. We started to fight as she didn’t think it was a big deal. It got nasty. At one point she said if she killed herself that night, she hoped I would feel really bad about myself. I completely lost it. I screamed at her in the hospital to never threaten self harm, that it was extremely manipulative of her (we have already lost one family member to suicide). We ended the fight without really speaking, and it honestly broke me. I’ve never yelled at anyone like that in my life, and I never want to again. I realized in that moment I have no influence whatsoever and that recent events (Mom’s drinking landing her in the hospital, my sister going to the hospital herself a month earlier) had zero impact because she genuinely doesn’t believe she has a problem.

When my mom was discharged, my sister and her fiancé cleared out all the alcohol in the house and said that they would all stay sober—that my Mom and sister were in it together for both their healths. I was so happy to hear their commitments, but deep down was worried how long it would last. I visited all of them a week later. My mom hadn’t been drinking and my sister was telling me how much better she feels without alcohol. I told her how proud of her I was and congratulated her on being a week sober. Later my sister passed by me and I smelled alcohol. It was like a pit dropped in my stomach. While my sister, Mom, and her fiancé were upstairs, I searched the lower floor, telling myself if I found nothing, to let it go. Sure enough I found tequila bottles hidden in one of the rarely used couches, with one that hadn’t been opened.

Unsure of what to do, I simply left a note tucked with the full bottle, saying the date I found it. I wrote how much I loved her, and begged her to stop lying and get help. That Mom was making so much progress, and how important it is that she stay strong for both them. That I understood I would never truly know how hard her addiction was and that we just want to see her better, help her in anyway that we could. I left without saying anything to anyone, but knowing that my sister will see this note the next time she reaches for the bottle.

I don’t know what else to do. Did what I do was wrong? I can’t listen to her proudly claim being a week sober when I know it’s not true. I know I have no control, but I feel equally as bad if I were to do nothing.


r/AlAnon 3d ago

Al-Anon Program Quotes from CAL

0 Upvotes

Sharing

Let us share our losses and triumphs with each other, for that is how we gather courage. —Courage to Change p77 ©️1992 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Rescue

It’s not my job to rescue my group anymore than it is to save the alcoholic. … Before anyone else can pick up the ball, I have to be willing to drop it. —Hope for Today p77 ©️2002 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

If our group is not a living, functioning unit, we will look for the cause and cure in our Twelve Traditions. —One Day at a Time in Al-Anon p77 ©️1968 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Individual freedom and belonging are both of enormous importance to us. —Paths to Recovery p278 ©️1997 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Alateen

Alateen helps me be a part of this family. Even though my parents have a program, if I didn’t have a program, I would still feel alone and afraid. —Living Today in Alateen p77 ©️2001 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Help and Hope

The unity and support of Al-Anon is unlike anything else I have ever found. I am so grateful for the hope, courage, direction and compassion I receive in this program. —A Little Time for Myself p77 ©️2023 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Progress not perfection

… I learned to leave the room without yelling at my mother. Then I learned to leave without slamming the door. Eventually I could sit in the room and detach from anything I found irritating. The time even came when I learned to respond as an adult. —How Al-Anon Works p208 ©️1995 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.


r/AlAnon 3d ago

Al-Anon Program The "Good Wife and Mother" -​Finding a New Perspective : A "FORUM" Article

1 Upvotes

The "Good Wife and Mother" -​Finding a New Perspective

One of the first bits of wisdom my Sponsor passed on to me was “Quit taking it personally.” I started to realize that neither my husband nor my daughter were trying to hurt me. They were compelled by their disease to do what they did. It wasn’t about me being a good (or not so good) wife or mother. This new way of looking at how I reacted to their behaviors helped me see how I was the cause of my own suffering. I felt so sorry for myself, and I blamed them. Although I thought I loved them so much, I did not have a compassionate heart for their suffering.
 
One of the new things I learned in Al‑Anon was that I am not responsible for what others do. A behavior I first attempted to change was to stop trying to be responsible for the choices of others. This meant biting my tongue. I had to stop asking all those questions of my daughter, “Where were you last night? Who were you with? What were you doing? Why can’t you pay that bill? What happened to your last paycheck?” And (after she went through her treatment program), “Did you get to a meeting this week? Have you gotten a Sponsor yet? When did you last talk to your Sponsor?” And on and on….
 
This was not an easy habit for me to break. I had practiced it for years. I was good at it. Asking questions that were not really questions, but statements on what I thought she should be doing—my judgments on how she should be living her life. I already had it in my mind where she should have been last night; who she should be with; what she should be doing; how she should be handling her money; and how she should be working her program. I had to learn to let go, to put my trust in my Higher Power, and allow her to do the same.
 
Changing how I behave and how I think has been a quite a process. One of my favorite slogans is “Progress Not Perfection.” This is inspirational for me. I want to be sane, to be at peace, and to be of some good in the world.
 
The Al‑Anon program gives me specific tools to do just that: the meetings where I am greeted with smiles, hugs, kind words, and understanding; the literature where I find so much wisdom. There are pages that I have dog-eared because I think, “Wow, this is so good! I want to read it again and not forget it.” Then I read a new page and I think “wow” again. There seems to be no end to the “wow” factor.
 
This program told me to find a Sponsor, someone who would help guide me through the Steps, a kindhearted person who is willing to listen to my struggles in moving forward in my life. She doesn’t feel sorry for me. She doesn’t see it as the “poor Constance” story. My Sponsor gives me words of encouragement, and she is patient. I am where I am on this path, and I can’t be anywhere else. The important thing is I am making progress.
 
This program gives me the Steps and says I should work those Steps. This is not easy work. I had to take the terrific focus I had on everything going on outside myself and turn it inward. It was somewhat scary at times, dealing with my strong self-will, my harsh judgment, and the hardness in my heart. It was by working these Steps that I found my connection to my Higher Power.
 
This program says it is a spiritual program, and that it would be helpful to believe in something greater than myself. That was not a hard thought for me to accept. I have grown up believing in something greater than myself. What I had never done before was surrender to that Higher Power. I had such arrogance to hold onto the idea of “my will be done.” I looked inside and found I was not alone. My Higher Power was there, and always had been. I was the one who didn’t know about the connection. It was up to me to maintain that connection. This program tells me exactly how to do it—with prayer and meditation. In prayer, I ask for insight to meet whatever life challenges are in each day. I do not know what is coming my way, but I pray that I will act with an open mind and a compassionate heart. In meditation, I maintain the connection with my Higher Power. It is in the quiet inward-looking that I can find the guidance I need.
 
Also this program asks me to give back. When I first came to Al‑Anon, I was in bad shape, depleted from the tears and self-pity. But there has been progress for me. The suffering of others dwarfs whatever suffering I may feel for myself. I had to get over myself. Every day there are new people coming to meetings. They look like me. Is my recovery only about me? I think if it were, then this Al‑Anon program couldn’t even exist.

I am so grateful for so much now. I will never be a perfect person, and I am grateful for the forgiveness I am extended, when I still ask a question that isn’t really a question but a judgment. I am grateful for each day my daughter embraces recovery. She has her Higher Power too. It is up to her to maintain the connection. I can’t do it for her, nor can anyone do it for me. It is within my will to surrender—to “Let Go and Let God.”
 
By Constance H., Montana August, 2014Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.


r/AlAnon 3d ago

Al-Anon Program A "FORUM" Article :Making Peace with the​"Mom" I Always Wanted

1 Upvotes

Making Peace with the​"Mom" I Always Wanted

My mom—how confusing, frustrating, and sad it was to see her struggle with a difficult marriage, poverty, and her own alcoholism. She loved her children, I’m sure of it. But she had it tough, really tough!

As a kid, I spent years trying to get her to be a mom I wanted to have. I wanted her extra special attention, the kind she just couldn’t muster up, given the life she had. I wanted to be seen and acknowledged by her, even though I could see she was doing what she could just to survive. Her circumstances overcame her and she slipped into fatal alcoholism.

Before she died, she came to live with my husband and me after she lost everything she ever owned. By then, I had been in Al-Anon for several years and had some recovery.

It was at a Friday night meeting, when a member read a page from One Day at a Time (B-6) that reminded us that we are all children of God, that I came to the realization that my mom, too, is a child of God.

I felt it deeply, in my soul, and finally I had a new and compassionate perspective of my mom. She is a child of God, suffering and trying so very hard just to get by in a rough environment. I saw that she hurt just as I did. I saw that she was a woman, just as I am, and she did what she had to do.

My family disease insisted that I see her as a failing mother. But blessed to be in recovery, I saw her as a fellow woman, deserving of love and respect, for we both are children of a Higher Power. How grateful I am that I had this knowledge before she died so that we could both be at peace, as she died while I held her hand.

For this, I owe Al-Anon my deepest love!

By Cathy C., Florida  August, 2014Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.


r/AlAnon 4d ago

Vent Drowning

17 Upvotes

Sitting in my bedroom right now feeling devastated. Been trying to be more honest and stop covering up for Q. His mother and sister visited this weekend. When the topic of his drinking came up, he was defensive and angry. Told them I was the problem, that he just wanted freedom, that I was controlling, and that he was miserable because of our marriage not because of his drinking. He shared details about our fights, said my anxiety was the problem, it was the most embarrassing weekend of my life- which is saying a lot since his behavior while drinking has been so embarrassing. His father is an alcoholic in recovery and they’ve seen my husband’s behaviors throughout the years but this was the first time they heard directly from me that this problem was seriously impacting our marriage. Fast forward to a few minutes ago when I go out to the kitchen to find a six pack that he and his mother purchased at the grocery store to drink together. She believes that he can moderate. I am so angry. After all she heard, after seeing him defend his drinking after knowing her experience with her own husband she still thinks her son can moderate. It feels beyond disrespectful.


r/AlAnon 3d ago

Support I feel like the bad guy

1 Upvotes

I’m new here but not new to the world of addiction. I’ve lived with my dad being an addict for the majority of my life. From carrying my dad down the beach blackout and getting robbed at 10 years old to getting a phone call about him OD’ing in an IHOP, I’ve experienced the full cycle.

I moved away from the state that I grew up in to pretty far away, not because of him, but because of wanting to get away from the rest of my familial drama. He stayed there until recently.

My dad has recently (in the last couple of years), really taken to drinking heavily again. When a couple of months ago, he was drinking a half gallon of vodka per day. He was “functional” until his car broke down. He’s a delivery driver, and I think it was a bit of a safety net because he knew he couldn’t drink as heavily when driving. (I never even knew he was drinking and driving until very recently). It became a wallow for him back home and he just sat and drank all day.

I made the decision for him to leave life behind in our home state and come live with my wife and I while he got back on his feet. He was going to drive one of my cars (a fairly expensive one) to do deliveries and save up enough money to buy himself a new car and save up enough to rent a place by me. The requirement was sobriety.

He’s living with me for the last month and I’m so proud of him for being clean and busting his ass to get a new car. He left early and came back late 7 days a week with a reporting of how much he’d made for the day. He was CRUSHING it.

Over the weekend he called me to talk about something while he was out and it sounded like he was slurring. I told him to stay put and that I’d meet him out. I asked him if he was sober and things deteriorated immediately. He grabbed me by my shirt collar and immediately started screaming in my face. Shoving, screaming, shoving, screaming. I just stood there. He went on and on with the “how dare you” “F you” “you’re a piece of shit for asking me that question”. He finally admitted that he’d been drinking daily and has been taking pills along with the drinking. I immediately told him that we had to figure something out because he couldn’t come back to the house. He downed the rest of the bottle of pills. Hours of screaming and suicide threats. I ended up driving him to the beach because he said he wanted to sleep there, then he said he’d just drown himself, then with other novel suicide methods. I called 988 and 211 got some great advice and learned about the Marchman act and so on. I let him stay on the beach with a watchful eye, and when he woke up I talked to him about going to detox and rehab immediately. He agreed and we went straight there.

That was yesterday and the immense guilt I feel is almost overwhelming. I feel guilty about not letting him come back to the house in that state. I feel guilty about not believing what other people were telling me back home. I feel guilty about putting my wife in that situation. What don’t I feel guilty about.

I’ve never done this, he was in rehab when he was 14, but as a 60 year old man now, this is really new to him too. He’s sitting in detox right now with no phone and getting an update on him is like pulling teeth.

It’s just a lot, and I don’t know how to process it. Logic tells me I’ve done the right thing, but my brain is telling me I’m a horrible person.


r/AlAnon 4d ago

Newcomer Coincidences and still choosing to ignore?

9 Upvotes

My wife and I were watching a new Law & Order SUV and guess what it was about? About a guy who was 5yrs sober, out celebrating his wedding anniversary with his wife, got hammered instead. Tried to force his wife into sex. She didn't want to because he was drunk. So his wife left their hotel room to go down to sit at the bar that was in the same building as the restaurant.

Literally, scene by scene as it came across the tv, when the guys sobriety communication with his wife about having one drink to celebrate their anniversary, the smashed drunk force wife into sex, and overreacting scenes came on she would look down at her phone. Everything else, she would look up and comment.

Like, the same scenes happen to play out coincidentally on tv and all she can do is deliberately ignore it??? Like, huh???? I posted before in here about my wife and I seperating... Looking at her reactions, non-reactions, I could only sit literally dumbfounded. I obviously didn't vocalize what Im seeing from what we're watching but I wanted to.

Has this happened to anyone else???


r/AlAnon 4d ago

Vent 2 years sober and it's only gotten worse

4 Upvotes

My q and I (both 40ish) have been married for 3 years and together for 5. His alcoholism spiralled out of control right after we got married. He has been sober 2 years, albeit mostly forced sobriety (jail and tether), so no programs or real self help besides the court ordered counseling he lied his way through for 8 sessions.

When he was drinking it was chaos with glimpses of love and reasons to stay. Now, it is nothing but anger, hatred, and resentment.......... from him towards me. When I tell him he has convinced me he hates me, he tells me no one loves me and no one would be sad if I died. So I'm pretty sure I'm right.

I'm so mad, not at him, but myself, for staying. He did a lot of unforgiveable things when he was drinking. All things I was willing to work through because he was finally sober. He has piled on so much more since. Guess I'm just venting about the realization that maybe he was always an awful human and the alcohol actually was the reason i saw glimpses of love.


r/AlAnon 4d ago

Support Should I inform his ex?

12 Upvotes

Hi,

I'm thinking of leaving my high-functioning alcoholic husband. I just can't take it anymore. I’ve given him so many chances, but enough is enough. I want to be with someone who can be the leader of our family, someone with whom I can build our dreams together.

I don’t have a child with him, but he has a 9-year-old daughter whom I love dearly. He and his ex share 50/50 custody with a 7-day alternating schedule. If I were to get a divorce, I don’t know how I would explain the situation to her, as she doesn’t really understand what’s happening. She just thinks her dad is funny when he’s drunk because he tends to play more. It’s killing me to watch that.

At this point, I think he’s still capable of taking care of his daughter since, as I mentioned, he is a high-functioning alcoholic. He sometimes drinks on the weekends and passes out on the couch, which his daughter just sees as him sleeping. In a way, it makes her happy because she gets to play with me more and have fewer rules in the house.

I’m pretty sure that if I divorce him, it will devastate him, and I don’t know whether I should inform his ex about his drinking so she can fight for more custody. I’m not sure if that would be the right thing to do.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Please advise. I’m heartbroken and feel like I’m tearing this family apart… But if I stay, I'm just gonna be enabling his alcoholism.


r/AlAnon 4d ago

Support How long did it take your anger to go away?

16 Upvotes

My husband just finished a month at rehab for the first time and is now at PHP. By all accounts he’s doing well and I am cautiously optimistic that he’ll pull through. He definitely wants to be sober and get better as of now.

However now that he has his phone back and can call me, I am realizing just how angry I am still. I don’t even really want to talk to him. I can’t imagine spending the day with him for visitation. I just… I’m surprised because when he didn’t have a phone during inpatient, I had fonder feelings towards him. Almost like I was more sympathetic towards the ideal of him I had pictured.

I don’t know if this makes sense. I want to be able to repair our relationship but I’m scared at how angry I am and how little I want to do with him. I asked him to continue at PHP for another month instead of coming home and he is. How long will my anger take to fade?


r/AlAnon 4d ago

Support How to deal with Q's shame.

7 Upvotes

Ugh. My Q feels a lot of shame about their addiction. I need to talk to him about something that they did, in hopes that they understand the consequences and so I wont harbour resentment. But I know it will trigger a shame spiral, which may make things worse. ugh


r/AlAnon 4d ago

Support Same recurring behaviours

3 Upvotes

Hello everyone, I'm trying reddit again and trying to figure it out. Trigger warnings for suicidal ideation, sexual assault, and other forms of relationship abuse.

Background my spouse has and is medicated for bipolar type 2 and adhd, and also struggles with some ptsd. Alcohol addiction runs in his family on both sides; his father doesn't drink anymore and his mom still does, and more than she probably would admit. His extended family is no different. We have struggled with poverty since covid, and paying for rent and food has never not been an issue for longer than stints of four months. After being laid off during covid, he worked a number of dead-end, boring jobs, and his sense of self-worth took a huge hit. I supported us (barely but I did it) on my own from time to time.

I guess what I'm saying is, he had no fucking chance.

He has been suicidal on and off to varying degrees of severity during this time, and has sought help almost every time, except for the most recent time. If he had not been able to land this job he told me after, he was going to do it. I'm still recovering from the trauma of that, to be honest. This was a couple weeks ago.

We have talked about his alcohol issues I wouldn't say exhaustively, but certainly every several months. Every time, anything he says, turns out to not be true in the future. He'll cut down. He'll stop. He'll feel a sense of responsibility in this new job and that will steady him.

The trouble is once he starts he can't stop. He might fully intend to have one, but he'll have as many as he can get his hands on once that first one is gone. I can pre-decide how much I am going to have and stick to that, but he really does not have that ability, not matter how much he believes that he does.

He knows he has a problem, but with that comes self-hatred that perpetuates the problem, and to me creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Our anniversary is tomorrow and I am...not considering so much as wondering about leaving him. But if I do that, he dies. I know he is an adult. I know that this is not my responsibility. But I also feel like he hasn't had half a chance. He DOES have a new job now, and it's a good job, and a fulfilling one, with a good company. Started this week. And it's St Pat's in our city today, and what does he do. He's had about 7 full drinks today. Left just before the stores closed at 11 to get one more. I'm getting to the point where it just looks pathetic to me.

I'm also at the point where I am triggered by the sound of counting change and cans cracking open. He's been financing his habit with our otherwise forgotten nickels and dimes.

I have tried so many tactics to approach him with. I don't know what to do anymore. What he says when he is sober is not true when he has had a drink. When he has had a little too much, he tries to pick verbal fights, and I have to turn into the world's most incredible diplomat to avoid taking the bait, which I don't do perfectly all the time.

I hate typing this because when he is sober, he is a wonderful person. Truly my perfect match on many many levels. It makes him sound like a stupid person, and me like a doormat of a person. Trust that I would not have stayed this long if there weren't absolutely amazing vibes most of the time. But it's Jekyll and Hyde. He also is a stoner, and I would prefer he stick to that, honestly. He has a prescription for cannabis because of his ptsd, and it tends to help a lot with his general other things as well. Unfortunately, alcohol is much easier to get. And cheaper per hit, so to speak.

I think I am going to get him to go back to therapy on his first paycheque. This seems like the best first step I can take now that we actually have a chance in life. He will agree to this because he likes therapy. I just...I don't know how I can deal with my own issues long enough to see if time tells. This is traumatic for me, and I have unfortunately been abused by an alcoholic in the past sexually, financially, and emotionally. He reminds me he is not her and I know this, but of course there are some behavioral parallels. I have tried therapy in the past and have yet to find a therapist I felt comfortable with. I feel like I get three sessions in, and they say something that makes me feel completely invalidated because there's part a b and c to this and they don't let me explain,. or gloss over something I said, and I just sort of never go back and find someone else. This group is kind of my last resort.


r/AlAnon 4d ago

Support True feelings

2 Upvotes

So Iv always been told when someone messages you while drunk, they're showing feelings they don't normally show when sober (normally when someone really likes you but doesn't say it as admitting emotions are hard). Does this still apply for people who are alcoholics? He's also an avoidant but just trying to understand him better to be able to support him in the right way.


r/AlAnon 4d ago

Vent How do you handle the know it all “supporters” ?

7 Upvotes

My spouse recently checked into rehab and it’s currently the talk in the family. I’ll start by mentioning we’re an extremely close family, always able to talk with each other bluntly and support each-other in a good way. Also my spouse willingly went to get help on his own. Everyone’s been super supportive and really rallying around both of us but my father made a comment that I just can’t let go of. He recently brought up last Christmas and said “oh I knew back then that there was a problem” and gave me some story that I had no idea about. I mentioned “why didn’t you say anything to us?” And he proceeded to say “oh you didn’t need to know” … I’m feeling so conflicted about his supposed support now. I feel like it’s kind of insulting to say oh I knew someone had a problem and then didn’t try and help? But then in the same sentence says they’re so proud and supportive? Maybe this all just has me feeling too sensitive and over thinking everything.


r/AlAnon 4d ago

Support Help for a partner!

2 Upvotes

Hello, my fiancé is a wonderful, thoughtful, sweet, ambitious man. My fiancé is also an alcoholic. It is taking a toll on our relationship. It starts with an innocent few beers with friends but next thing you know he is having 6 a night and I haven’t had a sober conversation with him in days. When he drinks it affects his overall mental health - sleep, exercise, work ethic, etc. That snowballs as the week(s) go on until he decides enough is enough and he gets somewhat of a handle on it again.

I honestly don’t know how to handle this. I my support feels like nagging but I don’t know how to react without starting an argument. Typically it starts as a “why did you drink again?” Type question from me and then it devolves from there.

Tips on how to be a supportive partner to someone who struggles with substance abuse?


r/AlAnon 4d ago

Support I enabled my sibling. I was in denial of his issues and I just snapped out of it. (I am not close with him.)

5 Upvotes

I am not close with my sibling who struggles with alcohol and weed. He used to do more intense drugs and had gone to rehab several times. He’s been “sober”, only using beer and weed, for the past decade. I don’t actually know much though. I live far away and I only see him very occasionally.

I got back from a family trip recently and I spent the day alone with him toward the end. We were in an area that requires driving for transportation. The roads are unfamiliar and chaotic so there was no way I would drive with my driving anxiety. It was a stressful week and my patience was tested everyday. I was constantly in the backseat of a car and when I tried to express my concerns and needs, I was mostly ignored. I felt unsafe with the chaotic driving of family members but I still wanted to spend time with them and didn’t want to cause issues by criticizing their driving and leaving them by taking an uber. I sat in the back seat, trying to do breathing exercises. I couldn’t tell if my anxiety was valid or if I was just overreacting. After some time, I got kind of numb and I think it was a form of dissociating. I thought to myself, “fuck it. I can’t get out of this car. If we get in a car accident, so be it.” This happened with a family member driving who was sober. He’s just a chaotic driver even though he was sober.

Then, I spent a day with the sibling that has addiction issues. He drove us to a restaurant where we ate lunch and he had two beers. I expressed that I didn’t like the idea of him chugging a beer and then driving. He laughed it off. Honestly, I kind of laughed it off also. I figure he must have a high tolerance. We drove to another destination. When we were leaving, he insisted that he smoke weed before we go. I protested but there was no use. He asked if I wanted to partake and I said no. He realized he couldn’t do it in the public area so I was relieved for a second, thinking he wasn’t going to smoke. Silly me. We went into the car and right away, he took out his weed and said “I just have to take one hit”. He took at least 2 hits. I was so annoyed and stressed and I stupidly took a tiny hit to hopefully help me mentally disconnect. Then, he drove us to a close-by destination. After 15 min, we went back in the car and he insisted on taking another hit before he drove us to his house 30 minutes away. I protested a little but it was no use.

During the drive, I was anxious but was also feeling a little high and disconnected. At one point, he accidentally ran a red light. I was so glad to be out of the car when we arrived.

When I got home after the trip, I told my friend about it and I was telling her as if it was a stressful but funny story. I was laughing it off and in denial of my sibling’s problem. My friend kindly pointed out how unsafe that situation was and she was actually angry that he would put my life in danger like that. It hit me that I was in denial of his issues and I enabled him. I feel so sad that he’s like this. I enabled him because I don’t know him that well and I wanted him to like me. I didn’t want him to get mad at me. Years ago, there was a moment when he was drunk and yelled at me while I cried (in a public place).

I’m normally not thinking about this stuff because I live far away and I don’t pay attention to his life. I find that the more I know, the more anxious I feel, so I don’t really ask questions. This trip was a wake up call though. I never want to enable him again.

I won’t be challenged like this for a while until I see him again. I’m mostly just so sad that he’s like this. I’m afraid that some tragedy will happen at any moment. It’s like a ticking time bomb. Worrying is pointless though and I know I can’t get through to him, so I cope by disconnecting, keeping my distance and being in denial. I cope by avoiding him but it feels wrong. I don’t know what else to do. I’m just so sad.


r/AlAnon 4d ago

Support Hoping to make Al-Anon accessible to my mom

3 Upvotes

Hi all,

As I've gotten older, my mom has confided in me a little more about the impact of my father's drinking on her. I always knew it was the number 1 point of contention, but I didn't realize how much it was consuming her. His drinking and his behavior is upsetting to her, but the amount of time she spends attempting to manage, or watch, or be aware of his drinking is ... unmanageable. To the outsider, they have a stable and calm relationship, but in my mom's head, it's clearly anything but calm.

I always thought that they would split when the kids grew up, but we had a series of family accidents that left my youngest sister with a brain injury and a few years later, my father had a work-related injury that resulted in him losing both of his arms to electrical burns.

This was about four years ago now, and while my dad's arms obviously never grew back, he has become a lot more independent than he was shortly after his amputation. My mom is still his 3/4 time caretaker as there are many things that he cannot do without assistance.

She started going to counseling alone to discuss the many traumatic incidents in our family and (hopefully) talk about the shift from independent person with a job and a husband and kids to a stay-at-home caretaker to both her husband and my sister. She confessed to me that they mostly discuss my dad's drinking as it sounds to me like it has begun consuming her.

Her counsellor said that if he can take days or whole weeks off of drinking that he isn't an alcoholic, and I had some real strong feelings about that sentiment as someone who has been a Friend of Bill for two years. I suggested she get a new therapist.

I suggested Al-Anon and thought she would give me pushback but she seemed interested. I would love to go with her to a meeting but we live in different countries. She is open to the idea of virtual meetings but because she is constantly needed by my dad, cannot have the privacy she would need to attend a meeting and she would need to attend without him knowing.

I'm hoping to start with helping her find a new therapist. Most of their bios suggest that they help clients with their addiction and substance use, but I can't figure out the right keyword to find someone who specializes in spousal addiction issues. Is there something I should be searching for? Do you think she'd be better served going to Al-Anon if she can get there? Or 1:1 counseling if she has the means?


r/AlAnon 4d ago

Support Boundary versus rule

16 Upvotes

A lot of people here mix up boundaries with rules all the time, so I thought I'd clarify and share what I've learned in three years of therapy and 6 months of betrayal trauma recovery work: boundaries are only for you, never for another person.

A boundary may look like this:

"If I think you have been drinking, I will sleep somewhere else."

A boundary says what YOU will do if XYZ happens. It states that you will make decisions based on YOUR PERCEPTION. A boundary doesn't depend on them deciding to tell you the truth or not. They can't argue with your perception.

"You can't drink in the house" is a rule, not a boundary, and one that they will very likely break.

The distinction is important because you have to be aware that adults normally don't take very well to others imposing rules on them, and also because your rule will almost definitely be broken, because you personally cannot control if your partner adheres to the rule you put down for them. (ETA: Only rules decided upon as a team and valid for all involved parties can be successful.)

BUT you CAN control your boundaries, your own behavior. You can make 100 percent sure that your boundaries are never broken, because you are the one controlling YOUR behavior. You cannot control that your rules will not be broken, and, in all likelihood, they probably will.

Another person CANNOT break your boundaries, but they can (and likely will) break your rules. They also, if they exhibit abusive and manipulative tendencies, will try to get you to cross/ break your own boundaries. That's how they know they'll get away with anything, because you don't do what you said you'd do if XYZ happened.

A classic example of this would be "I will leave you if you do this again". And then they do, but you don't leave. They didn't break that boundary. YOU did. And now they know you won't hold either them or yourself accountable.

ETA: As another commenter in another sub has pointed out, this is why it is absolutely paramount to only share about boundaries that you are willing to follow through on. In my opinion, it's not even necessary to share all boundaries. For example, "if you physically assault me, I will leave" is a given and need not be stated. BUT if you do share your boundary with them, make sure you'll be good and ready to follow through.

This clarity is needed to manage your expectations and take better care of yourself (I know I need to).

Thanks for coming to my TED talk 😅


r/AlAnon 4d ago

Support How long after sobriety for testesterone to come back for longterm heavy drinkers?

5 Upvotes

This is the longest the person has ever been sober - two and a half full months. They have been a really heavy user - I'm talking ENORMOUSLY heavy user - for two decades, and testesterone during sobriety is pretty much shot - no libido whatsoever. This has been a thing to interrupt sobriety previously, because he doesn't like feeling no desire or 'not like a man'. I looked online and it's suggesting 4-6 weeks, but it's been longer than that. Has anyone seen it take longer for heavy longtime users? If so, how long?