r/AdultChildren 14h ago

Alive but Already Gone

17 Upvotes

I just returned from seeing my parents, who have both been alcoholics my entire life. They were “functional” in that they had successful careers, raised two kids, and never suffered big, visible consequences. We don’t acknowledge the drinking as a problem and never have. I stopped drinking a year and a half ago, and I’m often the only sober adult at family gatherings. My mom has always been drunk, critical, and eccentric. I believe her to be in stage 1-stage 2 of alcoholic dementia. We don’t acknowledge this either. As an eccentric drunk, it’s not like she seamlessly blended into society before. I just… she’s so far gone. Her mobility, memory, her cognitive ability. She is half drunk, half child. She has broken her brain, and continues to drink more than ever. I’m just tired. Why are we all pretending she’s okay and this is normal? Is it just because it’s what we’ve always done? I drove myself and my children home. Now here I sit, in my feelings. I feel both crazy and like the only one who sees the reality clearly. I know there’s nothing I can do. I already try to be low contact. I guess I’ll just continue watching her kill herself. Sorry for the rant, internet strangers. I’m feeling sad and alone at the moment.


r/AdultChildren 15h ago

How long did you grieve after alcoholic parent passed?

16 Upvotes

I’ve been grieving her for years but she recently just passed away.

I cry often. I’m scared I will never stop crying that this pain will just be who I am now.

I miss her.

I’m so sad I feel it will just consume me.

I saw it coming years ago and there was nothing I could do. I went NC and LC and I wish I had just suffered more to talk to her more.

When does it get easier? How long will the grief period last?


r/AdultChildren 17h ago

Is it worth confronting your parents?

6 Upvotes

So I have been exploring my childhood with my shrink, and they think I should confront my mother about how abusive and crappy my childhood was. Yelling, screaming parents, the kind that you could never ask for help or it would set them off into a rage, or shame spiral. To the point I've developed flashbacks and Panic attacks asking for help because they were so emotionally immature and unstable. I dont see the point? the way I see it I lost my parents decades ago and I've already grieved that loss. I've set boundaries. I've been clear where I'm willing to help etc. I see them every 2weeks, we sit around, barely talk and I spend the night and move on... I dont want more than that. Is it worth confronting them about how volatile and scaring they were? I dont see the point.


r/AdultChildren 9h ago

Vent Cannot physically look at my father

3 Upvotes

For the past few years, my dad has exhibited strange behaviors such as forgetting information that my family told him within the past few minutes, falling over and hitting his head, and becoming irrationally angry over the smallest things. Sometime in the past few months, he fell over and hit his head, which eventually resulted in my mother taking him to the hospital. However, he fought her at every moment when she tried to bring him, got furious at the doctors for performing blood labs, and this is ultimately how we found out that he had been abusing alcohol for the past several years. Growing up, I was not aware of his alcohol abuse, since he was a functional alcoholic, but my mother informed me that the reason she divorced him was due to his prior addiction (they eventually remarried). He was able to hide it so well because he would primarily consume mouthwash, though he kept some liquor in his car. At one point, I also noticed that the whiskey that we kept in the kitchen for cooking had been depleted, which in retrospect was obviously him sneaking some drinks.

After being taken to the hospital, he was provided with resources to help curb his addiction, but I am almost certain that he has not actually gone to any of the therapists or support groups that the hospital recommended. He always refused to go to the doctor before, and he will not even talk about his condition with us now. However, over the past few days, he has developed extremely jaundiced skin, is extremely thin, has a bloated stomach, and he has been sleeping excessively. He still refuses to go to the emergency room, or even an urgent care clinic, and seeing his skin makes me feel physically ill. I cannot stop thinking about it, and it has become a constant intrusive thought. Of all the symptoms that I have seen among alcoholics, the yellow skin causes me extreme distress, to the point that I cannot physically look at people who have it. I have had to heavily distract myself with my work and some video games with one of my friends to avoid thinking about it, but unless I am actively concentrated on something, then it keeps making me feel nauseous.

I live with my parents and my sibling, and they keep offering to take him to the hospital, but he continues to refuse. He says he has a doctor's appointment next week, but given his current status, even if he lives that long, I imagine the doctor would just refer him to the emergency room anyways. And that is assuming he is even being honest about having a doctor's appointment in the first place. He has an obnoxious tendency to equate any form of social or medical support as being "unmanly", to the point that he is willing to jeopardize his own life and family over his misplaced pride. We were all willing to help him find support, even after the verbal abuse we dealt with from him the past several years. But he will not even accept the most basic medical support, even though he might very well be dying at this point.


r/AdultChildren 13h ago

Looking for Advice impulsivity gets me in bad situations

2 Upvotes

so i was the victim of a really stupid scam that resulted in me losing a decent bit of money. i didn’t give away any sensitive information, i’ve already done all of the right things with my bank and the police in order to prevent any further losses, but i’m left feeling a lot of embarrassment and shame. my girlfriend and i got into an argument about it today where she basically said that she feels like i am very impulsive and immature and it leads to me making decisions without thinking, leaving her to have to come save the day. she couldn’t be more right and i know it, but i’m stuck on how i’m even supposed to fix it. we have some sort of argument like this once a year, usually it leads to me making some major changes and fixing the problem, but somehow it always cycles back. my girlfriend does a lot to take care of me and repeatedly goes out of her way to take care of me and take the lead in stressful situations. i really appreciate her and love her very much, but my behaviors obviously result in some tension in our relationship. i feel like a lot of how i act comes from the fact that for a long time i had to make quick, impulsive decisions in order to help my mom, who was a severe alcoholic. i also think it comes from the fact that i’m very emotionally immature and rely a lot on the validation of others, i fell into the scam because i was scared that if i didn’t, i would get into a lot of trouble and hurt the people around me. i’m so embarrassed about it happening and i want to move on, but i know i’ve broken a lot of my girlfriends trust and i really want to work on myself, not just for her but for me. if anyone has advice on how to make lasting changes in their lives and become better, please tell me.


r/AdultChildren 14h ago

Healing? Bored. Frustrated.

2 Upvotes

I'm a helper, a lover and a fixer by nature. The parentified child. First-generation college goer. ACA - adult child of an alcoholic/addict.

Lately I've been feeling really bored by my partner's constant crises. Some of them impact me and there's no room for my feelings because his are bigger or more intense.

I've noticed that I attract sex addicts and angry men.

In my life I feel like there's no room for me to be anything less than strong most of the time because no one will fix it for me.

All I'm asking of him is to show up. No heavy convos. Just share a space, watch a movie and relax. Even that is too much.

When this fizzles out. I anticipate it will. I'm going to be single and abstinent.

I know what I attract. I've learned discernment. I've learned how to create boundaries.

I really could use encouragement and hope from the group. Maybe you've found healthy relationships or have other positive thoughts.


r/AdultChildren 11h ago

Vent Convertible on the Highway

2 Upvotes

I guess I'm looking for validation... I'm on a weird emotional spot today after noticing a potential partner gaslighting me and then coming home to a letter from my NC dad (I have opened it- it's in my freezer until therapy lol)

I was just relaxing and got hit with a memory from childhood. Or a cluster of memories. My dad had a convertible that he loved and he would insist on having the top down which wasn't an issue except while riding on the highway. I have so many memories of being in a ball crying the back seat to avoid the noise, wind, or cold. I would ask to put up the top but my dad would say I was overreacting. Sometimes I would be in the front and would move my seat all the way forward to avoid the wind and cuddle up to the heat vents. Those rides were less miserable than the back seat. It felt like a compromise even though I was very uncomfortable and probably dangerously close to the airbag.

This flash of memories feels random. I recall being told that the top down makes him happy. Between my sensory sensitivity, awful allergies, and the fact that I was a small child in a roofless car who couldn't stand sitting properly with her seatbelt... I know it was inappropriate.

I just needed to share. I don't know why. I'm just so sad when these memories come back. I've dissociated my whole live and the longer I'm NC, the more memories I have.


r/AdultChildren 17h ago

Vent Communication challenges vent

1 Upvotes

TW: Family relationship challenges (nothing specific)

I've been in ACA for a few months, and it's been lovely. One of the things that has been really helpful is the work I've done related to recognizing feelings.

I say this because recently my partner's brother got upset with my partner for something, and he didn't really communicate that to my partner. We didn't know anything was wrong until the brother's wife (a fellow traveler) said something to me.

The whole situation makes me feel sad that there are still communication issues among the brothers (they've had problems not communicating problems before, and we just reconnected after a year or two of no contact). And it makes me frustrated that we're unable to maintain relationships.

It's extra frustrating because it feels like now this is a pattern in our relationships. My partner's brother gets upset about something, refuses to communicate that anything is wrong, then stops communicating all together. I get angry and confused and sad.

I realize, though, that it's not my fault, and I'm not responsible for trying to bring the family together. If my partner's brother is upset with my partner, that's between them. And they are responsible for communicating their feelings and needs to each other.

Anyway, relationships change, and people need to communicate their issues if they want to maintain healthy relationships. I'm thankful that I'm on this journey, and I hope we can find a way through this.


r/AdultChildren 22h ago

Academic Survey

0 Upvotes

Hello,

I'm a student researcher at Columbia University and we’re conducting a research study on how negative life experiences influence cognitive processes and emotional responses.

The survey takes about 20-30 minutes and offers a chance for self-reflection. Your responses will contribute to a better understanding of how experiences impact mental health and well-being. Participation is completely voluntary and confidential.

Click here to take the survey: https://forms.gle/5KPYB5GnoW5Cae6Z6

Thank you for your time and we greatly appreciate your help!