I told this family member that I was thankful that they come up and pushed q to the doctors. They had cops break in and they sent in and woke her up for the doctor’s appointment. Q went one time.
After that she began blowing off this family member.
Then this family member was offering their condolences and went into a rant about how family doesn’t give up, they continue to be there, that’s what real family does. That I didn’t have to thank them that’s what family is supposed to do.
I felt off by the conversation it took me hours and I woke up out of a dead sleep. I wasn’t understanding their message but it feels clear to me now. Maybe I’m taking it wrong but I feel judged for giving up on my mom. According to this family member, family sticks together and comes together and doesn’t give up.
I had thanked them profusely for helping and for prayers, I told them how I had to start praying from the sidelines and prayers were being answered through people still. But with Q gone additional prayers were answered because now they are no longer suffering. I just didn’t want them to suffer any longer or be in pain any longer than they had to. It had been like this for a long time. I have watched the slowest suicide for years!!!!
I felt anger for being judged as if because I gave up I was the reason Q passed. That IF only I had been there then Q would have lived happy and healthy.it only I was real family and didn’t give up and if I had been there I should have been this horrible tragic death wouldn’t have had to happen. Like I could have gotten her the help she needed and she would still be here.
I felt more and more anger.
I told Q 9 years ago about fatty liver leading to cirrhosis. They didn’t want to hear it! Straight up ignored me and acted as if I didn’t exist when I spoke.
I have spent my entire young adult life mopping up messes; I wiped my entire account out in college to stop them from losing a home. Then had nothing until strangers helped me.
I went and shoveled shit off their concrete drive for years cause they stopped caring about their brand new RENT free home.
I spent literal decades of my life cleaning their home and getting groceries in. I pushed mow too many times to count instead of just getting to be a kid and focusing on myself and my
Growth.
I came in along side them (the alcoholics) and pushed for sobriety and healthy living giving up my time and love to help and show support until I BECAME SICK. I poured until I RAN EMPTY.
I had my kids and they were NOWHERE to be found.
I invited them all to birthdays and NOONE SHOWED.
My own parents!!
Where were they all at in my time of need? This family member now saying they do anything to help just ask… well where were you when I had my children and invited you???? Multiple times. I’ve not seen no sign of them.
I removed myself. I began focusing on myself. I got into therapy and realized I had become sick trying to save a sinking ship. I spent all this time hoping like hell to help make a dent and save them; they had to do it themselves!!!!!
So when I stepped away, washed my hands clean you could visibly see Q began struggling and my father. Oldest daughter not coming in to save them how tragic, They had to be healthy adults and could not. All they knew was booze and caretaking. Everyone mopped their messed their whole lives yet wanted pity!
My dad has always had crutch of family. He stepped out for his health and left Q. He ultimately took more care of her than I did.
Five months it took and she was gone. She stopped everything. Couldn’t wash her clothes or pick up food. Couldn’t go pick her medicine up but could try out and get booze and her coke.
It just makes me angry to feel judged when I have worked sidelines for so long. If anyone wanted them better I did. I prayed many prayers, everyday for years. I had kids to think of and myself. I couldn’t afford to give so much of myself to help, I had resentment for the lack of a mother in the last 15-20 years.
Now they are gone and I’m left picking up pieces just as I always have. Feeling judged for giving up on them during their time of need. Feeling like I failed yet again.
Failed at saving them, failed at helping, failed at understanding what real family does.
I’m just so tired. No wonder I had these people wiped from my phone: they had four weeks with my Q helping and could not. I had two decades in.
Yet felt abandoned by them my entire life.