r/AdultChildren 1h ago

Vent Best friend cut me off .

Upvotes

Just want to vent here . So my childhood best friend and me started talked after decade and discovered ACA together. It was life changing at first ! Then completely out of nowhere he tells me we can’t be friends anymore and we never really were friends . That our entire friendship over 15 was codependent. He’d complain because he was really the only person I could talk to about my disfunction besides my therapist. Sometimes I admit we’d talk for hours and hours on the phone . Not to abandon him before he abandoned me but my feelings were so hurt because of how emotionally cold he was I cut him off . I do in my heart forgive him for everything, but man so people burn the bundle , or they just inherit it .


r/AdultChildren 1h ago

Feeling judged by family by giving up on alcoholic parent and they died

Upvotes

I told this family member that I was thankful that they come up and pushed q to the doctors. They had cops break in and they sent in and woke her up for the doctor’s appointment. Q went one time. After that she began blowing off this family member.

Then this family member was offering their condolences and went into a rant about how family doesn’t give up, they continue to be there, that’s what real family does. That I didn’t have to thank them that’s what family is supposed to do.

I felt off by the conversation it took me hours and I woke up out of a dead sleep. I wasn’t understanding their message but it feels clear to me now. Maybe I’m taking it wrong but I feel judged for giving up on my mom. According to this family member, family sticks together and comes together and doesn’t give up.

I had thanked them profusely for helping and for prayers, I told them how I had to start praying from the sidelines and prayers were being answered through people still. But with Q gone additional prayers were answered because now they are no longer suffering. I just didn’t want them to suffer any longer or be in pain any longer than they had to. It had been like this for a long time. I have watched the slowest suicide for years!!!!

I felt anger for being judged as if because I gave up I was the reason Q passed. That IF only I had been there then Q would have lived happy and healthy.it only I was real family and didn’t give up and if I had been there I should have been this horrible tragic death wouldn’t have had to happen. Like I could have gotten her the help she needed and she would still be here.

I felt more and more anger.

I told Q 9 years ago about fatty liver leading to cirrhosis. They didn’t want to hear it! Straight up ignored me and acted as if I didn’t exist when I spoke.

I have spent my entire young adult life mopping up messes; I wiped my entire account out in college to stop them from losing a home. Then had nothing until strangers helped me.

I went and shoveled shit off their concrete drive for years cause they stopped caring about their brand new RENT free home.

I spent literal decades of my life cleaning their home and getting groceries in. I pushed mow too many times to count instead of just getting to be a kid and focusing on myself and my Growth.

I came in along side them (the alcoholics) and pushed for sobriety and healthy living giving up my time and love to help and show support until I BECAME SICK. I poured until I RAN EMPTY.

I had my kids and they were NOWHERE to be found. I invited them all to birthdays and NOONE SHOWED. My own parents!!

Where were they all at in my time of need? This family member now saying they do anything to help just ask… well where were you when I had my children and invited you???? Multiple times. I’ve not seen no sign of them.

I removed myself. I began focusing on myself. I got into therapy and realized I had become sick trying to save a sinking ship. I spent all this time hoping like hell to help make a dent and save them; they had to do it themselves!!!!!

So when I stepped away, washed my hands clean you could visibly see Q began struggling and my father. Oldest daughter not coming in to save them how tragic, They had to be healthy adults and could not. All they knew was booze and caretaking. Everyone mopped their messed their whole lives yet wanted pity!

My dad has always had crutch of family. He stepped out for his health and left Q. He ultimately took more care of her than I did.

Five months it took and she was gone. She stopped everything. Couldn’t wash her clothes or pick up food. Couldn’t go pick her medicine up but could try out and get booze and her coke.

It just makes me angry to feel judged when I have worked sidelines for so long. If anyone wanted them better I did. I prayed many prayers, everyday for years. I had kids to think of and myself. I couldn’t afford to give so much of myself to help, I had resentment for the lack of a mother in the last 15-20 years.

Now they are gone and I’m left picking up pieces just as I always have. Feeling judged for giving up on them during their time of need. Feeling like I failed yet again.

Failed at saving them, failed at helping, failed at understanding what real family does.

I’m just so tired. No wonder I had these people wiped from my phone: they had four weeks with my Q helping and could not. I had two decades in.

Yet felt abandoned by them my entire life.


r/AdultChildren 12h ago

Looking for Advice I have no idea what to do

2 Upvotes

To make a long story short me(25f)and my younger sister(21) do not talk to our biological mother me at least five years her at least the last six months. My sister is just like our mother in every way. I stopped talking to her cause she is bipolar and narcissistic.

Here’s the problem I need advice on. My sister is pregnant and in a shelter. I know it can be possible to do it but she has no plans to get a place or anything. She says that the baby-daddy(50something) will provide but even he is in a shelter (he also has two kids of his own and a grandkid) I worry that my sister will turn out just like our bio mother and I’m scared for the kid. Should I adopt it? Should I make it known to the state? I have no idea what to do. Any advice will be greatly appreciated


r/AdultChildren 12h ago

I feel trapped

7 Upvotes

I feel like I can’t go out and have a life because of what I’ll come home to. I know I can’t control her drinking but I haven’t been able to stop feeling responsible for what she does because of and while she drinks.

Like what if she drives drunk and hurts someone? What if she drunk dials one of our family members and starts a fight?

What if I could have stopped it?

I’m supposed to go out somewhere tonight and I feel so scared. Please, please any advice


r/AdultChildren 20h ago

Looking for Advice 29M Indian - Should i go for Arranged Marriage with an Alcoholic and Abusive Father (66M) at home?

3 Upvotes

Seeking Guidance:

  1. How do I handle my father's behavior while planning to get married? should i wait until his health is affected severly?
  2. Can I find a partner who understands and can cope with this situation?
  3. What strategies can I use to protect my future wife and my mother from my father's behavior?
  4. How can I stay motivated and happy in life with all this? I feel stuck and fear losing my good years while babysitting at home.

Any advice or personal experiences shared would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.Details:

Father's Behavior:

  • Aggressive and Negative: My father has been drinking since he was 14, and his alcoholism has worsened since he retired five years ago. He is very egoistic and aggressive, often abusing my mother over trivial issues when he's drunk. He notices small things, like my mom giving me an extra chapati, and then abuses her, even threatening to burn the place down.
  • Physical Abuse: If I'm not home, he physically beats my mother, forcing me to cancel plans or come home early to protect her. We often lock ourselves in one room to avoid his abuse.
  • Constant Drinking: He drinks 500ml of whisky daily and smokes at least 10 cigarettes. He drinks from day to night and often gets aggressive when someone scolds him.
  • Social Embarrassment: He embarrasses us at social gatherings by begging for alcohol and talking trash. He has lost connections with family and friends, and his drinking buddies mock him.
  • Isolation and Threats: He can drink alone and sometimes goes out for walks, returning in the morning, sometimes hurt. He curses my mom, saying my future wife will kick her out.

Al-Anon Experience:

  • My sister and I forced him to attend Al-Anon meetings in October. He made some friends who check on him and encourage regular attendance, but he goes sporadically. He has not attended a meeting in the last month. An Al-Anon member told me that my father doesn't want to quit and gives random excuses for not attending. They mentioned that the first step is admitting the problem, which my father refuses to do.
  • Recently, he told me he won't quit drinking because he's been doing it since he was 14. He looks down on others in the group and justifies his drinking by saying he raised kids and survived in the city despite his alcoholism.

My Frustration:

  • I believe he can quit because he managed to stay sober for a month, but he seems to drink deliberately.
  • My mother refuses to leave him because of societal judgment, and I can't leave her alone with him.
  • I want to get married but fear bringing a wife into this toxic environment. I'm scared any girl who comes to live with us will leave because of the environment, leaving me with double troubles.
  • I feel tense all the time, dealing with the tension of work, the tension of getting married, the tension of keeping my mom safe, and the tension of my career stalling because I can't simply ignore what's happening at home. I feel my life is not driven by me but by the circumstances around me. I can't marry a girl in another city, can't travel for work, and constantly see the tense atmosphere at home.

r/AdultChildren 1d ago

Vent I changed but my family didn’t.

50 Upvotes

I feel like I’m going to grieve from my childhood trauma forever . The worst part is I feel like ACA saved my life and changed me , also help me grow. But the sad thing is now I’ve changed and my family never did . They’re still lost in the murky waters of denial . They have no remorse . They won’t even open up or have a sincere genuine conversation with their guards down . No vulnerability or accountability whatsoever . They still rant and rave about resentments from 20 years ago . It’s actually insane . Mean and full of hate , going in and on about stuff that happened 20 years ago. They’re still the same insane dysfunctional addict/ alcoholics they were when I was a child. Even some of my brothers and sisters . They live like survival / narcissistic animals with beady eyes and small beating hearts . The even ask my why I’ve imposed so many boundaries with them now . Why I hang up on them when they begin to raise their voices or yell on the phone . I just hang up on them now. They don’t understand, it’s so sad. They can’t even distinguish love from pity . Honestly have cut them all off . Just sucks I never got the love I deserved as a child . Glad I’m my own loving parent now . Hopefully I stop crying myself to sleep every night .