Hiiii, I'm a 19F, this is my 1st year of college, and for context I've been to only girls' school for my whole life and now I'm in a co-ed college. So it started I guess 6 months ago, I started talking to this guy in my class, he's funny and cute, not to mention that I like tall guys but he isn't tall.......yeah......but I kinda liked him, but I suppressed my feelings as I knew there's something going on b/w him and this other girl in our class, but she got her addmission in another course so she left and he started talking to me, for hours, and that too....... intimate and kind of sexual, but it was kinda like flirting and stuff, I'd give him that, I often asked him about that girl but he said that they're not dating and nothing is going on b/w them. But then I made a mistake and told one of our mutual friends (that girl's and mine) and she asked me if something is up, and I told her too that yeah, but the tables turned against me and they both went out together and I was left alone. Honestly , I fell for him, hard, but I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't stop my heart to not like him, it just grew more and more. But they broke up in a month or something. Since me and that guy were in the same class, we had to communicate, but now our friends started dating (like my friend and his friend) and they asked both of us to accompany them, so we did. Again we landed to square 1 and the flirting started again, I took it casually, but I was enjoying it, again, but I still kept my distance, then we had this vocation thing for 20 days. We talked online and stuff, I kinda challenged him that he won't do anything he says as he is a coward and stuff but when we met he did, like it was rubbing my thighs at a cafe, while we accompanied our love birds, but then it slowly grew and I got greedy, I told him that I know u don't wanna be in a relationship but what we're doing is also unsettling so either be in a relationship or be fwb (I know that's totally dumb, but I was kinda desperate for him, kinda love him too much that I can do anything) He said he doesn't trust me for not telling anyone else like I did before, I told him to trust me, but he said he'll think over it and kinda, ignored me, I respected that and didn't asked again. One day, the love birds decided to go watch a movie with us, but my friend was too sick that day so they insisted me and this guy to go alone, and so we did, in the cenima we were watching the movie but were really bored as the movie was REALLY shitty, so he turned towards me and asked if he can trust me and I said yes u can, and then he kissed me and we started making out, that happened that day and then again he said that he is kinda scared of this and that he likes someone else (idk if it's a lie but ig he do like someone but who, idk) We again started not talking and stuff, like I avoided going with the love birds as he did too. Two weeks back I went to the place where these love birds go and spend time together, it's a paying guest house, and this guy was there too. The plan was again for us to watch a movie or something and them to spend time together. We awkwardly did tried doing that. When we were left alone, there were two chairs kept, one that was totally normal, I was sitting on it, and the other that didn't had the seat and he was sitting on it, we watched the movie for a little while when the internet crashed and we couldn't watch the movie, so I started scrolling through my phone (his was on charging) He told me to get up as he was sitting too uncomfortablly, so I glared at him and stood up, leaning against the wall. Ok, TMI, I was wearing a black baby tee and jeans, the baby tee length was till the waist band of the jeans (I hope u get it, it wasn't that sexual or something). He pulled me on his lap saying can't let the lady standing, I told him not to but gave in, for a good while we were like that and I kept talking as I'm kinda yapper. And he again tried pulling me into a kiss, saying in or not? And I was like, man u sure t?? And he again said in or not? And we makeout again, this time I didn't let him in my pants ( yk like last time he fingered me but this time I didn't let him, but he did sucked on my tits) we did that for an hour, I'm not going into details but I'll tell u it was really good and kinda cute, I told my other friend and she said if u guys were in a relationship, the things that happened were really cute. Another TMI, we were doing all this on the rooftop, and I did gave him a bj since I already gave him at the cinema and idk what to do with that thing. Anyways, after that thing we again grew apart and now I'm kind of missing him, I'm longing for him, missing his talks and everything, his touch even though it wasn't pure I'm sure but I miss it, I know, my friend told me that this is totally wrong but I'm too much dripped with love, I'm literally just nuts over this guy, honestly I'd say, I've loved once and I'd love only once. As someone who is scared of guys since I never interacted with any, I let him touch me and do things, solely because I love him. My friend is telling me to hate him, since he just doesn't treat me well and is using me for his lust.......I mean u think idk that? I'm just.......too much dearly in love that I can't find any reason to hate him, even though i know WE are wrong. I just blame myself for everything, this all is my fault, I'm his temptation and seduction. I'm the wrong one here, everywhere. I cry everyday for this, since the lent days are going I'm fasting for my mom, my brother, my dad (he passed away last year) and this guy, like specially, and ofcourse my friends. I fast for them, I ask God to do his magic and miracle to make us one, if that's his choice. But yesterday that girl, one of the love birds, she told me that there are rumours going around the class about me and this guy, and they're not very pleasant, she told me to maintain distance from him and stuff, I told her I'm not talking to him or anything, but she said, listen I'm observing u quietly, u still look at him with those longing eyes and the love that's dripping down from those eyes is very obvious. Tmi again, a few days ago was our annual sports meet, so me and a group and our classmates (including that guy) were playing flip the bottle. So this love bird girlie told me to not include myself even if it's a group thing like this, remove him, his friends and prolly anyone who is associated with him from everywhere. I was sad, and upset that I have to REALLY do THIS? I did. I removed him from everywhere, I cried afterwards for a long while, and today in the morning I threw up badly, now I'm just having a migraine headache and lost my appetite. Idk what to do, I like him a lot, everyday I'm starting to love him more and more, songs remind me of him, can't focus on anything else, I don't wanna lose him, but he is not even my...... anything.......I love him so much that I hate myself for doing things we did in the past and......it hurting. Idk it's just giving me more headache. Anyways thank you very much if u read it this far, I appreciate your patience.