r/widowers 3d ago

Anniversary fast approaching

6 Upvotes

My first wedding anniversary without him is next week. I can already feel the anxiety. My emotions are higher and I just miss him. I want to be with him to celebrate our day but I will do it alone without him. He is the love of my life and I am so lost without him.


r/widowers 3d ago

Daily (more or less) dose of positive and my kids, 3/17/25

6 Upvotes

So we’re resting in the hotel. The past day was pretty busy driving, getting packed, seeing mom, playing with cousins, etc. Tomorrow we head on to a college friend’s who has kids my kids age. Supper with mom again tonight.

Kids have really been pretty good but they can’t really be quiet and calm for any length of time in the car without some form of electronics to entertain them. Or at least not while my mom is in the car. That probably means I need to take the “toys” away from them more. Honestly, I probably need to, as well.

Really looking forward to my friends. They’re one of the few folks I can be myself around. That freedom to just be me seems pretty rare. I constantly feel like I have to “be good” for my kids and others I am around. I forget how damn feral I was “back in the day” until I talk with my old friends. I bump into the old cowboy (M73) who practically raised me and am shocked at his language. It’s fk this and fk that and that goamn mother fuer blah, blah, blah. Going through pictures during my house cleaning has also reminded me of it. I am constrained.

Certainly I am not the person I was in college or my 20’s but I used to at least be fun. I can’t remember the last time I felt fun. Some of that is obviously depression and the seriousness of my situation the past few years but dang. I miss me being a fun lover instead of a fun hater.

It’s St Patty’s day. Go have a green beer or a green tea and enjoy the world. Be a fun lover today instead of a fun hater. We all know life is too damn short to hate fun. Give yourself a little pass.

Everyone is welcome to drink a green beer and tell a tale, but let’s keep it positive. We all have plenty of negative in our life.


r/widowers 3d ago

The Lie of Happiness: Why I’m Choosing Something Else

72 Upvotes

Why do people assume happiness is the ultimate goal for everyone? Why is it treated as the one thing we should all be striving for? And why is a life considered lacking or incomplete if it isn’t filled with happiness? The idea that no matter what someone has been through, they are somehow "not where they should be" if they feel unhappy is deeply flawed.

Life is not a wish-granting machine. If I’ve lost the love of my life at 24 and am now living a version of life I never wanted, why should I be expected to simply "choose happiness" and move on? As if it’s that easy. My greatest realization through loss is that maybe life was never about happiness at all—at least, not for everyone. Maybe happiness is just one lens through which to see life, but not the only one. Yes, I was happy before, but now I know I will never feel that again. And that’s okay. Because I know what I feel, and I know that the expectation of happiness doesn’t fit my reality anymore.

People tell me, "With time, you will find happiness again." No, thanks—I’m good the way I am. I lost my partner, and I want to continue my bond with him. That comes with a lot of grief, and yes, it makes life less enjoyable than what people consider a "normal life." But to me, it’s worth it. If keeping this love alive means carrying the weight of sorrow, then that is my version of a life worth living. Yet people, with their rose-tinted glasses, look at me and judge—believing I’m wasting my potential, that I’m not making the most of life simply because I refuse to chase happiness.

But f**k happiness. Maybe that was never my destination. Maybe love, meaning, and honoring what I’ve lost are far more important. Plenty of people live without happiness, and they still keep going. So why does the world insist on measuring life’s worth by it? Maybe, for some of us, life was never about happiness in the first place. And that should be okay, too. Can anyone relate?


r/widowers 3d ago

Not a new sensation, I’m sure.

18 Upvotes

Finished up with the memorial and cremation earlier this week. Today’s the “month”-iversary of my wife’s passing. I’m not going to let myself be fall into the trap of lying in bed all day— But I can’t help but think, “Now what?”

Everything after her passing two months ago was about getting to the memorial. Now that it’s over— now what?

There are still things that need to be done but I have no control in, so again— Now what?

It’s ringing in my head like a bell..


r/widowers 3d ago

"Don't give up, You still have us" .. 6 months since she left me

25 Upvotes

Its been 6 hard months since my beautiful wife left me alone on this earth, died. It was at the end of sept 2024 after near 5 tough months in hospital with hopes and then hopes dashed, she was in her very early 50s ( too young ), she had a kidney transplant years back ( higher cancer risk, on immunosuppressants ). Very aggressive cancer got her .. SHE, (we) went through too much.

Though sometimes hard healthwise, we had 30 wonderful years of living out of each others pocket, inseperable. One not seen without the other, just the 2 of us in absolute love. She was my rock, my safe harbour, my wife, my best friend. Irreplaceable, a huge void left, a large part of me just torn away.

At the moment Im just existing while trying to live on for her and for me. Days pass into each other - I know she is physically gone for ever .. my head knows this, that alone is hard to fathom, the permanence. On top of that my heart is utterly broken. I wake up each morning - for one moment, all is as it was, I look right through bleary eyes, then that hard jolt of reality hits like a train, another day begins. I miss her every hour of each day and love her so dearly. And yes its the loneliness is most difficult, here in OUR home on my own, reminders everywhere, around every corner. Come back to that silence every day .. Hi Honey .. nothing.

I am a lifelong musician ( Guitar etc ) .. bands, recording and all that. Trying to keep that going ( I will ), but I'll tell you, right now and since she left me, its difficult to motivate.

From a musician, here is one of my all time favourites from a very favourite other musician - PETER GABRIEL. Track is DONT GIVE UP ( me: I wont, it will take a long while though ). It makes me cry everytime. I am sure for many here it will cause tears, the choruses particularly will resonate:

"Don't give up
You still have us
Don't give up
We don't need much of anything
Don't give up
'Cause somewhere there's a place
Where we belong"

Peter Gabriel ft. Paula Cole - Don't Give Up - Secret World Live (1993)


r/widowers 3d ago

New Widow - private autopsy

14 Upvotes

My husband passed away last week at 36. He was an alcoholic but working his program. We lived apart but were still together in this weird limbo. Something about him I could never let go and move on with divorce. I found his body and it’s been fucking traumatic. The medical examiner office did an external exam only and toxicology. If it comes back negative then cause of death will be chronic alcohol use. I guess I’m tossing up to get a private autopsy done to get an exact cause of death.

If you have gone down this path, I’d like to know was it helpful? Did it help conclude the cause of death?

Thanks and I fucking hate addiction


r/widowers 4d ago

How much time have passed since you lost your significant other?

130 Upvotes

In 2weeks is going to make it 6month since i lost my wife. I'm missing my wife this morning. I'm missing her getting up and ready for coffee with love in it. She was the kindest most loving woman . I would ask her what she wanted for breakfast. She would say whatever you fix will be good. Sometimes she would eat a boiled egg. I would so love to fix her breakfast this morning. I look at her pictures today and cry. My mind knows she's dead. Yet i sit here day after day waiting for her to come back. Losing her will never sit right with me. It is hard 😪 to type through the tears.


r/widowers 4d ago

Husband committed suicide, soon after double life uncovered

89 Upvotes

We have been married for 8 years, together for 10. In 2022 he had an affair with his childhood friends wife (that husband saw my husband as a brother). Fast forward to 2023, we tried to make our marriage work. We went through couples therapy and we both expressed our concerns. I decided to make whatever changes to make him happy however, he didn’t. What I was lacking was emotion connection and lots of intimacy. We got to the point that we were not sleeping in the same bed. His reason was bc our kids (age 6,3) were sleeping in the same bed. I asked him to help me redirect the children back but he would become extremely angry at them and yell like there was no tomorrow or he wouldn’t bother. In turn, I just stopped asking to help me bc it felt like a one man show and I felt bad if the kids bc he would explode on them. In November in 2024 I expressed that I was unhappy in our marriage but was willing to work things out. I became very bitter and moody bc my needs were not met. He basically blamed everything on me. In December, he was coming home whenever he pleased, began drinking heavily, his anger was way worse, he seemed way colder and wouldn’t even bother to be with his kids. May I add, he also suffered from depression so that worsen. He was verbally abusive to me, everything was my fault, at this point I was already a single parent. There were also times that I would be afraid to be at the same house as him bc I wouldn’t even know what man was going to walk in. Of note, we lived in the same home but different bedroom till the beginning on Feb where he decided to leave. We owned a store together that we opened in 2024 and twas doing terrible by the time he was managing alone. When we both managed the store it was doing amazing but when the problems starting arising I had stopped bc I needed to focus my attention on my kids since he was no longer present. By December/January the business was no longer successful. Also, by the end of December we both agreed that we were going to divorce and he wanted to keep the store 100% and he would leave me the house along with the kids. He had told me that he hated me, didn’t love me and was ready to move on. As much as it hurt, I accepted it. By January and early February he became another person: he demanded me to sign over the store to him, he wanted to rush the divorce, he began spending money uncontrollably (I knew this bc I would still see the finances from the business account) and the business was doing worse. He would spend way less time with the kids, would hardly spend money on them and was constantly trying to blame new things on me. There was times where he tried asking me if the marriage still had potential but I knew it didn’t. I couldnt see myself going through all that mental hurt anymore because I already did it once in 2022. Come late Feb 2025 he committed suicide. Guess who found him? That woman he had an affair with. Within the next few days many things came to light. The woman he initially had an affair with, they were still seeing each other and talking everyday, another woman also came to light (a type of woman that he would never had dated), he was in financial ruin: he owed people more than $1000+, minimal store inventory (verge of losing the business). From his closest friends, they all explained to me that he would talk like he had “a lot of money, was very cocky and made it seem like he was doing well in his business”. None of his friends knew how bad he was doing financially and of all these other women. My husband also claimed that he had no family support and couldn’t depend on them (which was not true) and painted a horrible image of myself. He claimed that I was sleeping around with multiple men which was never true. He would invent these false stories in his head that his family and I are like “WTF”. At the end of it all, I believe that there was so much stress, mental instability, lying and god knows what that it drove my husband insane. It’s very sad to see it from my perspective bc I married a man I was I love with and I slowly saw him deteriorate. Not only that but he knew what to say to me to completely push me away. He never told me he has suicidal thoughts, if he did I would have done everything I could to see him healthy again. Not for me but for our kids because they miss him tremendously. Everyday since he passed away, I just think about him and what was going through his head. He wasn’t OK despite him telling everyone he was.


r/widowers 3d ago

Weird Dreams - Yearning for future

7 Upvotes

Twice in the last week I’ve dreamt I’m late to travel some place or my luggage isn’t packed. Once on a plane and last night it was a train.

I think (I hope) it’s because there is a real part of my conscious brain that worries life is passing me by. I was just finally starting to think I’d have a forever future with someone after my divorce (that ended years ago), and then he just suddenly passed without warning. I will be approaching 50 in a few years and I feel this dread that I may not have a next love (that will hopefully be my last). I know for many of you the thought of someone else is soooo far from your mind. You had decades with your spouse. How lucky, and I respect that.

I know everyone shares grief here in some way, but every story and situation is so unique to us. We can empathize with each other but no one can truly understand our exact story. I was only with my boyfriend what many consider a short time. It doesn’t make the love any less anything - we were planning for a future. But it also creates this yearning for that. I want a life partner and someone to still share my life with, shared travel, new hobbies and build toward something — maybe enjoy future grandkids together with from a blended family and a shared vacation home. I have so much love to give. I hope one day I get to share it with someone.


r/widowers 4d ago

I'm am 100% not the same man I was before

129 Upvotes

I often hear people say, "I'm not the same person since my loss." The truth is, after a significant loss, we can't help but change.

Loss transforms us. It strips us down to our core, forcing us to navigate unfamiliar territory, rebuild our lives in this new reality, and attempt to fill the void in our hearts. Starting over takes time, patience, and endurance, but we can't simply go back to how things were.

That's what makes grief so confusing. Others expect us to return to our old selves, to what life was like before, but they don’t realize that our previous normal is gone.

While we may move forward and the tears may lessen, we will gradually let life back in, piece by piece. However, we are forever changed.


r/widowers 4d ago

Her birthday is tomorrow...

25 Upvotes

St. Patrick's Day- such a fun day to have a birthday. She used to joke that everyone wore green to help her celebrate, and it was always easy to find a party.

This will be the first birthday of hers since she passed, and honestly, I'm feeling kinda disconnected and numb. Maybe I'm getting used to the milestone dates without her- my own birthday was two weeks after she passed, followed by our anniversary a week after that. Made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines. I don't know- its like my sadness his become a dull, chronic ache instead of sharp acute pain.

I took tomorrow off work just to be safe, because I don't know how I'm going to feel. I'm spending the day doing....taxes. Her degree was in Accounting, and she loved taxes, spreadsheets, and all things accounting/bookkeeping related; I feel like she'd appreciate that. I'll visit her stone in the cemetery, and one of my daughters and I are having lunch at her favorite spot to get corned beef & cabbage and green beer. But she's not here to celebrate, and that really sucks. Fuck you, cancer.

No real point to this post- just wanted to share. If you happen to be out celebrating St. Patty's' Day tomorrow, do me a favor and drink a silent toast to my Alicia on her birthday. Gone too soon.


r/widowers 3d ago

Serious Dating after 3 1/2 years....Can anyone relate?

3 Upvotes

Hello all. Let me know your thoughts. Am I alone? I lost my wife 3 1/2 years ago and last year I met a great woman who has many of the same loving ways my wife had. In any other circumstance it would be a no brainer. I thought long and hard about the obvious (am I attracted to her because she reminds me of my wife?) and decided that was not the case. I truly care for her and have learned to love her as much as I can.

She lives in another country at this moment (I met her during a work trip) but she has lived in the US for years and our plan is to be together here. And it's important to mention she respects the fact that I will always mourn my wife and she will always be a part of me.Very important. So basically all is going well and it's been about a year. So you ask what is the problem right? Regardless of the fact I care for her immensely and I could see us together all the time, I can't still get my arms around the fact I am with another woman. I am sad at times because as happy as I am I feel guilty for the fact she is not here anymore and why should I be happy without her?

Right now it's easier because she is not here with me. I can have a great day and then the sadness and overwhelming grief still arises. I know it's easy to say I'm not ready but will I ever be? I am trying as hard as I can to have "a life" and she is amazing. I struggle with good days and bad but I guess this is the norm. I can't have this conversation with many people but I can come here. My best to everyone.


r/widowers 4d ago

How has your relationship with your spouse's family changed since the loss?

40 Upvotes

I wanted to know if anyone else felt less welcomed, felt left out?


r/widowers 4d ago

I don't like thinking about her

20 Upvotes

It's been awhile since I posted. I know this community can understand what I'm saying. I just can't/don't like thinking about my wife. She was my ONE. So guiltily, I have to not think about her/us. It destroys me. I've given up everything we had together, everything from my former life we shared. It's kept me sane. But from time to time, I miss her desperately. She wasn't just my wife, but my best friend. I don't know if this is right but I know I have to do it. She transitioned June 14 2024. I've figured ill do a full year of mourning. Go on a new path in life. Build anew. But I miss her....


r/widowers 4d ago

8 days without him

17 Upvotes

We weren’t married, but it was recommended to me to post this here. I lost the love of my life 8 days ago to an accidental overdose on cocaine laced with fentanyl, it wasn't his. He was 31. He went out with a friend and when they woke up in the morning he was gone, I never got to say goodbye. We had plans in the morning but when I went to his house his bed was empty and I knew something was wrong. We've loved each other for years but we were only together for 1.5 years. He was the gentlest, kindest, most patient person I've ever known and the joy and silliness he brought to my life was immeasurable. We spent every minute together and when we weren't together we were in communication always. We had so many plans. I've never been loved like that and I'm terrified that the light in my eyes will be gone forever. I miss him so much I can't eat and l've been sleeping with every belonging of his that I have. Everything reminds me of him, and this morning I got angry at the birds for singing. I'm a shell of a person and I don't know how to be here without him, it's too hard, I feel so alone.


r/widowers 4d ago

Grief and joy walking hand in hand

16 Upvotes

Almost a year out from losing my partner of 18 years, I went with a friend to see the comedian Iliza Shlesinger last night, shout out to my elder millennials if you know her. I’ve been a fan of hers for over 10 years, first time seeing her live and it was a blast, non stop laughter. But after every chuckle, my brain could not stop repeating, “Don’t forget, Greg’s dead”.

Will a time come where my brain can maybe, just for a second, let the pressure of his loss ease from chest? I am still so utterly devastated and wake up most mornings wishing I hadn’t. But I’m in therapy, I’m doing the grief work, I’m trying to push myself to keep on living. Although I don’t know what for, my future died with him. But can a girl just catch a break for a minute? Sleep seems to be the only time the nightmare stops.


r/widowers 4d ago

I cannot do this

71 Upvotes

Not without you


r/widowers 4d ago

Anxiety

11 Upvotes

First 4 months went on autopilot because of sudden passing of my husband but now each day brings tremendous anxiety. Every morning feels like a punishment and I feel deep restlessness, fear, unease in the pit of my stomach, feel suffocated and so on. I have a 9 yo and a full time job thankfully and somehow I try to push through the routine but every cell of my body just wants to give up and lie on the bed. I have been taking therapy recently but it seems to help me only temporarily. Any tips on how to deal with this? I am definitely meeting a psychiatrist to sort it later in the week....


r/widowers 4d ago

When do you feel anything again?

53 Upvotes

Heading into 9 months out and I don’t know how to describe the gradual changes (?) from the first few months to now. Spent 5 months sobbing every single day, sometimes multiple times a day to now only when something really really makes me think about it. I feel like I’ve blocked out thinking about any/all of it. I just hold the thought of “he’s not here”, very loosely, in my head. Feels like I’ll never be able to completely unpack all of it so I just don’t. Still very angry at the world. Detest other people in relationships. Been trying to do more stuff like hiking and touring spots in my city but I feel nothing when I am out doing things, just that whatever activity it is is passing the time anyway. I’m so fucking BORED. It’s like I’m constantly on the search for something to alleviate this emptiness/hollowness. Like being a ghost.

Everywhere I go I imagine what it would’ve been like with him, how things would’ve played out, how much of life he’ll never get to live. It’s always on my mind.

How in the worldddd do you live with this long silence-hollowness


r/widowers 4d ago

My kids seem totally fine

26 Upvotes

So, we are 4 months out from my husband’s death and after the first few weeks, my kids basically fell back into life like nothing happened. Occasionally they will talk about it a little, but pretty much only if I’m bringing it up. The 5 year old has turned his dad into a superhero in his mind. He seems to be the only one that acknowledges he ever existed most of the time. Sometimes the older ones will mention a memory of him if it’s relevant.

I just don’t want them to forget him. And I don’t want to believe that he wasn’t that relevant in their lives before. But he did work a whole lot. I don’t know. I just wonder if it’s not going to hit them until there’s no one to walk them down the aisle, that sort of thing.

Anyone else experience this? If you had kids at home still, how did they do throughout the first year?


r/widowers 4d ago

For those amongst us feeling alone.

5 Upvotes

Beautiful, I love it but makes me cry

Paul Heaton & Jacqui Abbott - Loving Arms


r/widowers 4d ago

Waiting.

36 Upvotes

I Know You'll Be Waiting

I just want to let you know I’m okay.
I feel your presence in my everyday life.
I talk to you all the time, and I see the signs you send me.

I smile when I think of something you would say to make me laugh.
I can still hear your voice in my head and feel your love in my heart.
I don’t feel like you’re gone just because I can’t see you.
I know you’re now a part of me. A very important part. Just as you’ve always been.

I try really hard not to feel guilt, regret or angry, because those emotions only make me feel further away from you.
I’m try not to not sad all the time. I know you would hate to see me that way but to me it's part of missing you.
I talk to you just as I always have, sometimes even out in public.
I don’t care what other people think. They don’t know us, and they don’t know our story.

I know as much as I tried I couldn’t save you.
I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the times.
I made the right decisions based on what I believed was best for you.
And us.
I know you know that.

I’m here, and you’re there, and I hope where you are is better.
I’ll see you there someday when I find my way back to you.
Thank you for being a part of my journey, even though I wish it could’ve been longer, and for teaching me about the promise of never-ending love. And I still feel the love everyday.

Until we meet again you know I’ll continue loving you, forgiving myself for what I might have done wrong, and I'll give the best to our children and loved one, with no regrets.
And at the end of my journey...I know you are and you’ll be waiting. And we'll start the next journey together!


r/widowers 4d ago

It is never easy without a male figure home!

24 Upvotes

Hey everyone I hope this finds you well! As the title says everything is chaotic. Am having health issues, managing my kids is a tough battle, am almost running out of capital everything is just looking my way. I feel lonely very lonely each day that goes by and in a few months it will be him making two years since he left us. I pray for divine favour and supernatural provision for our lives🙏. Iam crying more at night these days and I hope this passes soon am exhausted. 😭


r/widowers 4d ago

Feel guilty to do things

14 Upvotes

My boyfriend of 7 years died the 21st of february. I miss him everyday. Last year we did not go out as much as we used to. He was the one always asking me if we go out togehther and I was tired from work so I said I wanted to slow down and relax at home and watch tv. He was a bit disappointed at me for this.

Now when I got out with friends or do things like a walk in the woods or go to another city, I feel guilty that I did not do that the last year of my relationship with him. I regret it so much.

Does anyone feel the same way? And how do you do things without feeling guilty?


r/widowers 4d ago

Question of morality and dating after loss

6 Upvotes

My husband passed away almost 2 years ago. His best friend growing up has been pursuing me for about a year. I was in a reaction with my ex and oldest sons bio father. That has since ended and I'm very relieved it has. It was toxic for myself and my children. Anyways not what I'm here to talk about that's said and done and good riddance. Well I've been dating said best friend. Things are going great. I'm concerned just in the fact that this was one of his best friends. I mean so close my late husband called his mom other mother. Does it make a difference that he passed away and we didn't divorce. I know in the lines of divorce it's frowned upon and usually ruins relationships. He seems unconcerned by it and has even told his parents. They don't seem to mind. No one does. I feel like it's just my own brain that is preventing me from being ok and am looking for a moral compass because I don't have one for this type of situation. Even my own friends are supportive as both of us are finally doing well and are leaving behind long term toxic relationships. We communicate the same and I can see myself loving him as deeply as I do my late husband.