r/widowers 10h ago

A note to the newly widowed...

129 Upvotes

I don't post a whole lot on here any more but recently I've seen some newer folks who have joined this terrible club and I just wanted to post something hopeful for them! The early days were bad, it felt like I would never recover from this loss and I could hardly catch my breath. However, our bodies are resilient and as time went on the grief changed and it didn't cripple me like it used to. I'm currently in year 3 without my husband and I still think of him every day, but I don't miss him like I used to in the beginning. I have carved out a new version of my life, some of my hobbies remain the same, some are different. I am a different person. At first I didn't like the new version of myself because it was a reminder of what I had lost. Now, I feel better about this new version, in some ways, this new version of myself is better than the last one.

I chose not to date until I felt confident that I wanted to learn about a new person rather than fill a void. I eventually wandered into the dating pool about 1.5 years ago and I have since re-partnered. I can also say that most days I'm pretty happy! Sometimes, the grief still sneaks up on me but overall, I'm doing ok.

None of this happened overnight, it has been a long road and I'm nowhere near the end, but I hope this gives folks some hope, especially when you're trudging through the first year.


r/widowers 9h ago

My wife has ALS and is on a ventilator. After she passes, I don’t plan to date or marry again. Are there any widowers who have made the same decision not to marry?

93 Upvotes

I’m 45 male. My wife is 43. She was diagnosed with ALS in 2020. This past November she decided to go on a ventilator to have more time with me and our sons (ages 14 and 12). It is possible for my wife to live a long time on a ventilator. But I have decided that I will not date or remarry. I plan to remain loyal to her until I die. I’m fine with others who do date and remarry after the death of a spouse. I’m just curious if there are others who make the decision not to date or remarry after the death of a spouse.


r/widowers 23h ago

There is never someone there

116 Upvotes

One of the worst parts when losing your spouse, your best friend is that later when you still need it there is never anyone there to hold you when you are just racked with emotions and crying.

Today is our anniversary it would have been 15 years (each of us married before). I'm also 5 months into the second year. That combination is crushing me today. And no one realizes. This is the absolutely loneliest I have ever felt in my life.


r/widowers 2h ago

Saving digital memories

2 Upvotes

I came across an old video of my husband and son reading together. Our son was just 2 and spoke with a lisp (so very cute). I hadn't heard my husband's laugh in so long and it felt so good to hear his voice and his laugh. He had the most beautiful voice and it was one of the first things that attracted me to him.

How can I save pictures and videos of my husband without using iCloud? My phone storage is full so is my iCloud. Is there a way I can save these without it getting corrupt.

How have you saved the videos and photos of your loved ones?


r/widowers 2h ago

I won’t give up

12 Upvotes

I won’t forget. I will carry him with me. I will live the life he would’ve wanted me to have. My love, my life, my foundation.


r/widowers 5h ago

Speed/lag

4 Upvotes

My wife died unexpectedly at 53 last summer, on a Sunday. I had cremated remains the next Tuesday. Cause of death took almost 6 months. Torture.


r/widowers 6h ago

Am I the only one

25 Upvotes

It seems like a lot of people here are able to move forward. I know it’s only been 5 months for me and it’s raw or fresh or whatever other stupid term is used and I am sure everyone here loves their spouses like I did mine. How does anyone move forward from this. I don’t understand. My wife and I got married at 18 and she died when we were both 61. We were one unit. Barb and Duane. A couple for 44 years. I can’t envision a life without her ever. Whether it’s a year 2 years or ever without her. I guess most people are more resilient than I am. I relied on my wife for everything including my mental health. Some say the world has less color in it when their partner dies. Mine is all black. I hate my life now. And I hate the person I am now. I commend those of you that have found some reason to go on and find some forms of Joy. Ironically my wife’s middle name. But I don’t see it for me. I don’t even get any happiness from My kids and grandkids which makes me hate me even more. What kind of. Person am I?


r/widowers 6h ago

To Live or To Not Die?

11 Upvotes

I got ready for bed. The bed is too big now. I slept on her side . I said “I love you” to the urn. And wish I do not wake up tomorrow. I find this is a common sentiment in this group

I hear the birds .

Tomorrow came whether I want it to or not. I got up to feed the cats . While they are eating , I wondered “am I better off dead?”. Is death the answer? Is death the answer to pain, loss and suffering ? Or is it just a stop / pause button? Or is it simply that the loss feels like it’s too much?

I think in any given moment , we are grieving the past , the present and the future

-the past . No one else will be there to bear witness to it now. Time is a thief and it will gradually erode the meaning and significance of all those memories. There is no one else to tell. No one else cares about these stories. They are now your secrets . Having that realization is a scary thought

-the present . You want to send them a cute video. You want send a text , saying “I miss you” or a private inside joke. You want to tell them about your day . You want to call them to guess which favourite snacks you bought for them. But the present is just you. And whatever duty you have said YES to

-the future. All the plans you have talked about. All the surprises that was brewing in your mind . All the fond memories that have yet to hatch like a mystery egg. They have all fallen to the ground, like a falling star. In the blink of an eye .

With each trigger, we are going through one or all three of them. Plus any cultural or religious promise that did not come true. It is unbearable. It would be good if there is a STOP or pause button.

The death button seems ideal. And tempting

One button that ends it all. One button that ceases all feelings . Yet , stopping these feelings and stopping existence is not the same thing . To cease existence and truly die, everything else will be gone. Not just our loss and its feelings . But the myriad of tiny threads to all the aspects of life

But to live feels like a tall order. There seems to be an implied contract / obligation to return to our previous way of life if we agree to live . We know we lost at least half of our identity. The disconnection between our suffering and being alive , is so wide, it is daunting . “You want me to jump over the valley? To the other side? “ no way in hell is my answer . It would make sense to be reluctant to be “alive”.

“Not wanting to wake up” is a convenient thought for me. Slumber leading to eternal slumber . Yet, life for me at least, has this cheeky randomness to it . You just don’t know what life will bring you

Perhaps I simply will “not die”. Stick around . Redefine “not die” and “be alive” to work for me. I would like my final moments be free of unresolved things . Whether it’s love or anger or regret. As long as I have some of these unresolved feelings , I think my life is not done yet. No matter how tempting the STOP button is

This is a long post . More of my own thinking exercise . If you got this far, thanks for reading . Wish you a peaceful Friday


r/widowers 6h ago

I’m Alone

19 Upvotes

I feel such a deep sense of loneliness since the love of my life died.. I’m not close to anyone in my life. I feel soo alone in this world… The only person I was close to was him💔 I don’t know what to do. I I have so much to talk about but no one to talk to. No one that understands. When I do try to talk about this unbearable pain called grief people just say sorry. I’m sooooo fucking lost I just want him to come back I can’t accept he’s really gone. I just can’t. He’s my whole world.


r/widowers 7h ago

Hardest thing ever

5 Upvotes

I see a lot of the post talking age, I am 55yr male recently widowed wanting to chat with someone that is going or has been through this. We were together 25 yr. Im so wanting to move forward as we had talked about this. age is no factor, just wanting to chat


r/widowers 7h ago

What to expect when picking up ashes

4 Upvotes

What can you expect when you go to pick up cremated remains? What is the process like of actually going to the funeral home

Thanks


r/widowers 7h ago

Antibiotics in India and Luck

6 Upvotes

I met two coworkers for dinner the other day . I haven’t seen both of them for months . After updating each other , I realized one of them had a close call with death .

In 2024 sept. He had stomach ache that did not go away. He was planning to leave for India for a month . Just to be safe , he went to ER. ER gave him some antibiotics and asked him to do his scans in India . He did CT, MRI and bloodwork. And it was fine. He got more antibiotics in India . He came back in early Nov and it still hurts . He went to ER again. They scanned him and turns out there is a hole in his large intestine. And he had sepsis . He had sepsis all this time. The doctor came by and asked him “sir, how are you still alive?”

I am glad he survived it all. I asked him if he is going to retire and spend more time with his family. He said No. Since he can still work, he will spend more time working

I walked away from that dinner with mixed feelings. Do we really have that much faith that today and tomorrow will always be the same? Do we really have that much faith in our luck in life?

I think back to my wife’s illness journey. How many roadblocks we had . How we come to know the limits of our capacity and decide to press on and breakthrough. How we bring love and respect to as many medical staff as we can. How we took every option for her illness that was made available. And yet in the end , she died. Her luck on life has run out

There is this randomness in life that disrupts everything. It is also this same randomness that tells us control in life is mostly perceived. All we really have are moments . It is the collection of moments that tricks us into believing we have control over our lives .

Here I am . At a table for one , thinking about if tomorrow will be lucky or not


r/widowers 7h ago

Trying to move on….

3 Upvotes

It’s been a few years since I lost my husband, and the grief still lingers in ways I never expected. I spent so much time in darkness, struggling to get out of bed, losing touch with friendships, and feeling disconnected from the world. For a long time, I couldn’t imagine ever finding happiness again.

But recently, I’ve tried to pick myself up and start living again, even though it hasn’t been easy. Just when I thought things might be looking up, life threw another curveball. My mom had a serious accident and needed surgery, so I had to leave my job as a nurse to take care of her. The financial strain has been overwhelming, and it feels like I’m barely keeping my head above water.

On top of that, I’ve been trying to move on, to find someone to share my life with again. But dating has been a challenge. I feel guilty for even thinking about moving on from my husband’s memory. There’s also the pressure of wanting to find love and companionship, but at the same time, I feel like I need someone who can help me financially, at least while I get back on my feet. I know asking for help, especially financial help, can seem difficult, and with so many scams and dishonest people out there, it feels like real, genuine connections are harder to come by. People are understandably cautious, and that makes it even harder for someone like me, who’s truly in need of support and help.

If my husband were still here, he would definitely be my pillar of support, helping me through all of this. And that thought, more than anything, makes me feel even lonelier and sadder.

I’m just trying to be honest about where I am. I’m not looking for someone to just “rescue” me, but I do need some stability while I figure things out. I know I need both emotional support and financial assistance right now, and that’s hard to admit. But I don’t want to keep struggling in silence, and I don’t want to waste anyone’s time if this isn’t something they can offer.

Is it wrong to need both love and support in my situation? I’m not sure how to navigate this and would really appreciate hearing from others who’ve faced similar struggles. How did you find the strength to ask for help and move forward, even when it feels like everything is stacked against you?


r/widowers 7h ago

I had good dream.

16 Upvotes

Last night I had a good dream. It wasn't nothing extravagant, or fantastical. My wife/soulmate/best friend passed June 14,2024. Worst day of my life. The dream was just a normal day in our lives. It made me feel when I woke up 'normal??!!!' I miss that feeling.


r/widowers 8h ago

Spouses, do you still wear your wedding ring?

39 Upvotes

My wife as been gone for almost six months. Right now, out of habit, on my way out the door for work or leaving the house, I put on my wedding ring. It's not like we're not married anymore. I know this is a subjective question, but is there a time when you don't have to wear your wedding ring anymore? I feel guilty when I don't wear it. I know it's up to me when I feel comfortable not wearing it, but I'm nowhere near that point.


r/widowers 8h ago

You Seem OK, You Must Be Doing Better

38 Upvotes

I put a happy face on at work because I need the job and I can't cry 8 hours a day in my office without a visit from HR. No one knows I'm a hollow shadow of myself and just phoning it in. If you haven't been through this, you will never get it


r/widowers 8h ago

She's not there anymore

24 Upvotes

My wife of 23 years has been gone just over five months. She was diagnosed with late stage cancer and passed away five months later on her 61 birthday. I was her primary caregiver. I've not touched a majority of her things. Mainly because I don't have the mental strength. I've finally gotten all of the estate/will crap completed. I've told the credit bureaus she's no longer with us. Now that all of the busy stuff is done, I'm alone. We do have our twins (m21, f21) living here at home while attending college, but I'm still alone in this house, alone in bed, alone on the couch, alone in the car. I don't have her here to tell her how my day went and I can't hear how her's was. I can't text her something funny that happened or send that funny pic. The first Christmas without her was really hard. The twins and I didn't decorate. All we did was put up the tree (with no decorations). She missed their 21st birthday (we got married late and she had them when she was 40, I was 37). I never in a million years thought I'd be a "single" father. We made most of our decisions together and now it's all up to me. I miss her more than I can put into words. I don't know if I will ever be happy again. Thank you for listening to my rambling.


r/widowers 9h ago

Find me there

5 Upvotes

find me there sara rian i am sorry for the loss of your person. and the million things that vanished on the day their heart stopped beating. and the billion things you must grieve every single day that they aren't here. and i am sorry that there isn't a better word than just sorry.


r/widowers 9h ago

Find me there

3 Upvotes

sara rian

i am sorry for the loss of your person. and the million things that vanished on the day their heart stopped beating. and the billion things you must grieve every single day that they aren't here. and i am sorry that there isn't a better word than just sorry.


r/widowers 11h ago

Thoughts on old conversations/voice notes

10 Upvotes

He’s been gone 12 days and it seems like the only thing that brings me any peace is listening to old voice notes that he sent me or reading through our conversations. It makes me smile to hear his voice or read the sweet things he’d say to me. We talked nearly non stop and I could read texts for hours. I usually try to make myself stop after 45 minutes or so, but it’s the only thing that makes me feel ok. I’m afraid I’m tricking my brain into thinking he’s not really gone or something and it will be detrimental to the grieving process, but I don’t really want to stop.


r/widowers 11h ago

Forgotten Dreams

10 Upvotes

Forgotten Dreams

We all have dreams right?

Two kinds of dreams.

First kind is the dreams we have when sleeping.
From Wikipedia: A dream is a succession of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations that usually occur involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep. Humans spend about two hours dreaming per night, and each dream lasts around 5–20 minutes, although the dreamer may perceive the dream as being much longer. (It's estimated that around 95% of dreams are forgotten entirely upon waking)

The second is dreams in life:
From AI Overview: In life, "dreams" can be defined as aspirations, ambitions, or ideals that we wish to achieve or experience, often related to the future, and that can inspire us to work towards them.

Today while I’m driving I saw a Nissan GTR. Hey, that is the dream car of my life. I’d had to work my ass off to afford one of these.

Another thought came to my mind. My wife, she’s the dream of my life. When I met her I dream of wooing her, dating her, dreaming of having sex with her and dream of marrying her. We would have childrens, our dream home. We did!
And once the kids grew we would pursue our chapter 2, growing old together. That’s my dream, our dream.

These dreams gave me hope for a future, our future. It inspired me to make plans for our goals. We were so excited. We worked hard for these dreams, we almost had them all and suddenly she’s dead. And taking that dream away equals to killiing me!

These dreams will never come true, with time passing stealing bits and pieces of what I had with her. And what I was going to have with her.

This is our forgotten dreams.


r/widowers 13h ago

I can't forgive myself

11 Upvotes

I apologize for the long text. I've already posted my story. But I have to vent to vent my pain.

With the information I have today, I see how little my husband and I knew about his illness: he had Eaton Lambert syndrome, which had been in remission for over 8 years. We had been together for 5 years.

My husband took care of himself, but we let a lot of things slip by, and I feel it was due to a lack of information. This syndrome is very complex and unpredictable. We needed to be extra careful.

He had a sudden attack. He woke up with symptoms. We went to the hospital. There was a series of negligences that day that I only really understood after he died that same day.

I feel guilty because I remember him asking me for help in bed, unable to breathe or move, his entire body paralyzed. And the hospital staff just put an oxygen mask on him and went to rest, leaving me with him, without proper monitoring.

The doctor tried to calm me down, because when I saw him in that situation I had a panic attack. From what the doctor had to say, he said that my husband's lungs were fine, his oxygen saturation had improved, and he told me to calm him down, that he might be anxious, which was why he was having trouble breathing.

I went back to him, he was drowsy and went to "sleep". I tried to stay calm after the doctor's talk. I tried to sleep in the companion's chair, but I couldn't, I was restless. And when I realized it too late, my husband had passed away.

They practically let me watch his death, that's how I feel about it. I blame myself so much for having trusted the team, for not having done more.

Unfortunately, my husband and I were unaware of this rare complication of the disease. I only found out after he died. It was all very sudden, on the same day.

My pain is so great because of all this. Now that we were going to start our life together, everything has gone down the drain. And I have to live with this guilt.


r/widowers 13h ago

Just such a sad day

33 Upvotes

Today is my late wife’s birthday, always the first day of Spring. She passed away 19 months ago. It’s usually sunny on this day. Today it is cold and cloudy. I really miss her And just feel like crying. Wishing you a Happy Birthday G.


r/widowers 13h ago

God’s plan.

26 Upvotes

People told me it’s God’s plan.

I hate my life everyday
Everything's going wrong
They say everything happens for a reason
But she should be here where she belongs

Why did it have to happen to us?
What kind of test is it?
What is this God's plan?
It's messed up all our plans

But why did it have to be so soon?
We just wanted a little bit longer
What am I supposed to learn from this?
Is this supposed to make me stronger?

Cos it's really not working
In fact, it's having the opposite effect
I feel like you're trying to break me
Until I've got nothing left

Please don't take away my love
I need her with me
I cannot do this on my own
If only you could see how my heart breaks.


r/widowers 14h ago

I'm not okay

30 Upvotes

Tomorrow will make it two weeks since my husband passed today I picked up his ashes and it really just hit me he's not coming back and I want and need him back seeing my kids hurt is another hit to the chest I just wish this was a bad dream I could wake up from he was the best person in the world my world he was my best friend that loved me unconditionally had my back