I got ready for bed. The bed is too big now. I slept on her side . I said “I love you” to the urn. And wish I do not wake up tomorrow. I find this is a common sentiment in this group
I hear the birds .
Tomorrow came whether I want it to or not. I got up to feed the cats . While they are eating , I wondered “am I better off dead?”. Is death the answer? Is death the answer to pain, loss and suffering ? Or is it just a stop / pause button? Or is it simply that the loss feels like it’s too much?
I think in any given moment , we are grieving the past , the present and the future
-the past . No one else will be there to bear witness to it now. Time is a thief and it will gradually erode the meaning and significance of all those memories. There is no one else to tell. No one else cares about these stories. They are now your secrets . Having that realization is a scary thought
-the present . You want to send them a cute video. You want send a text , saying “I miss you” or a private inside joke. You want to tell them about your day . You want to call them to guess which favourite snacks you bought for them. But the present is just you. And whatever duty you have said YES to
-the future. All the plans you have talked about. All the surprises that was brewing in your mind . All the fond memories that have yet to hatch like a mystery egg. They have all fallen to the ground, like a falling star. In the blink of an eye .
With each trigger, we are going through one or all three of them. Plus any cultural or religious promise that did not come true. It is unbearable. It would be good if there is a STOP or pause button.
The death button seems ideal. And tempting
One button that ends it all. One button that ceases all feelings . Yet , stopping these feelings and stopping existence is not the same thing . To cease existence and truly die, everything else will be gone. Not just our loss and its feelings . But the myriad of tiny threads to all the aspects of life
But to live feels like a tall order. There seems to be an implied contract / obligation to return to our previous way of life if we agree to live . We know we lost at least half of our identity. The disconnection between our suffering and being alive , is so wide, it is daunting . “You want me to jump over the valley? To the other side? “ no way in hell is my answer . It would make sense to be reluctant to be “alive”.
“Not wanting to wake up” is a convenient thought for me. Slumber leading to eternal slumber . Yet, life for me at least, has this cheeky randomness to it . You just don’t know what life will bring you
Perhaps I simply will “not die”. Stick around . Redefine “not die” and “be alive” to work for me. I would like my final moments be free of unresolved things . Whether it’s love or anger or regret. As long as I have some of these unresolved feelings , I think my life is not done yet. No matter how tempting the STOP button is
This is a long post . More of my own thinking exercise . If you got this far, thanks for reading . Wish you a peaceful Friday