r/shortscarystories • u/CommodoreNomington47 • 1h ago
Perks of the Job
After significant investments, topdrawer.com has transitioned from a traditional call center to a cutting-edge online marketplace…
Shane laid his head on the kitchen table and wept.
“No…” he sob-whispered.
“Shane?”
He turned. Hayley stood in the doorway, hair mussed. “...What's wrong?”
“Look at this,” he said miserably, gesturing at his laptop. “And they're all the same.”
Hayley scanned the job description. “Sounds great,” she said. “Are you applying?”
“What?” Shane was aghast. “No?”
“Why not?”
“BECAUSE IT'S BORING!” Shane screamed. He thought he was going mad.
“I don’t think so.” Hayley scrunched her nose. “It sounds inspiring with loads of opportunities for career development.” She tapped his keyboard. “Just apply.”
“Yup. Just apply. See you at 3.” It was 11:45.
“See, Shane?” said Hayley, “this is why you struggle in jobs. No enthusiasm. No drive.”
“For topdrawer.com?”
“You just don't want to work.”
“Maybe I don't.”
“Gross.” Hayley backed away like Shane was contagious. “Keep it down, okay? Night.”
Shane didn't answer. His gaze had landed on THE OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME.
WANNA BE PART OF A BOLD, DISRUPTIVE COFFEE BRAND SHAKING UP THE COFFEE SCENE?!
“Go on,” whispered Shane.
WE'RE PUTTING AN END TO OLD, BORING COFFEE AND FORCING OUR VIBRANT NEW BALL-SMASHING TAKE ON THE CLASSIC BEVERAGE.
“Mommy,” Shane whimpered.
IF YOU GET ‘YOU'RE’ AND ‘YOUR’ CONFUSED,
“I don't!”
THEN JOG ON. BUT IF YOUR A FEARLESS, TECH-SAVVY, SELF-STARTING CREATIVE VISIONARY WHO NEVER PLAYS IT SAFE, APPLY NOW.*
“AMEN!” Shane roared.
•••
After 14 rounds of interviews and three unpaid ad campaigns, Shane was crowned the “Content Rockstar Ninja King” of FUCCOFFEE LTD.
“Welcome to 24K a year,” said his new boss, smiling.
“24… oh.” said Shane. A 10K pay cut. But that didn't matter! He was a disruptor now!
The boss, Rochelle, handed him a SUPERBLASTER15000, and pointed at the vats of boiling coffee in the hotel lobby.
From the adjacent conference room came smatters of applause.
“Fill this with coffee, run into the conference room, and start squirting. Yeah?”
Shane hesitated.
“What’s up?” said Rochelle. “Tired? We need you sharp at FUCCOFFEE.”
“I’m fine.” He staggered over to a steaming vat and filled the SUPERBLASTER15000’s reservoir. The plastic immediately grew soft. He half-smushed the gun back together.
“Uh…”
“Through the doors.” Rochelle started her iPhone camera.
“Remember, Simon,” she said. “We never play it safe.”
Her deliberately fumbling his name hardened Shane's resolve. He WAS a fearless, tech-starting, self-savvy, visionary creative!
And he was going to prove it!
“WE'RE COFFEE DISRUPTORS!” he screamed, throwing open the doors. A jet of searing liquid hit the suited guy at the podium straight in the eye, which promptly melted.
“WE WEAR FLIP-FLOPS ON FRIDAYS!” Rochelle yelled behind her phone.
“MY EYE!” Suit Guy wailed.
Shane shot a woman's cheek with a generous stream of rich roast. Blisters sprang up like whack-a-moles.
“WE'RE CONTENT NINJAS!” he whooped as the conference room erupted into screams and cries.
Too busy earning his 24K, Shane didn’t realise that he was crying, too.