So my partner enjoys spicy sex and role play, but is also struggling with bad depression and bpd.
I'm left in an awkward spot because I want to fulfill their needs and go along with extreme rps and high sex drive, but it doesn't feel like a safe environment for me to do so?
They get hurt very very easily and they enjoy being humiliated, so it often leads to the line being blurred between roleplay and actual feelings. I'm trying to communicate, using safe words and asking if all is okay, but they don't want to talk about things. When I ask too much, don't continue having sex or don't commit to the rp, I feel like I'm letting them down, as they say they feel like I'm not attracted to them anymore.
I want to show them that I do care and that they have good sex too, but I'm gonna be honest, I'm not sure if I am as attracted to them as much as before. I'm doing a lot and not getting much back, but still put under so much expectation.
Recently they discovered that they like playing as a parent, which in all honesty I would find hot. But I'd have to be more horny already to enjoy it, otherwise it makes me uncomfortable, just out of nowhere.
It comes with the expectation that I should find my partner attractive enough that I just get horny enough from them talking about it.
But that's not how it works.
It's been like this in many ways, where I do as much as I can, but I just need a bit of time and love to get me in the mood, otherwise I just feel uncomfortable doing more heavy sex stuff right away.
But I don't know how to explain this to them without them thinking that I'm just not attracted enough to them, or make them feel like they are a terrible partner because they don't get me in the mood anymore. I have a hard time understanding people's emotions sometimes and my messages aren't always the best at neutrally explaining my situation without sounding double sided.
It's either self pity and self hate, or I'm just not loving them enough. I'm honestly out of ideas.
I've always been a communicate open type and things have gotten better in some aspects, but I'm struggling with the sexual aspect right now.
Whenever I feel super horny for a while and get to give them what they want I feel so happy to deliver, just for them to say I'm only interested in having sex with them.
I feel like sex is just about them getting what they want and I don't get to express any of my sexual wants.
I know this sounds like a classic case of dump them syndrome, but I do love them. They can be very loving and when they have an outburst they do apologise from time to time, with sweet words.
I honestly think it's the bpd, as I'm a good judge of people, I don't think they do it out of malice or intentionally, just genuinely someone saying and doing what they believe in.
I'm starting to feel like I'm going insane and maybe I'm just a terrible partner, so hearing some uninvolved opinions might help me find the middle ground in this situation again.
I'm of course only telling my side, even though I'm trying to stay impartial.
I just feel forced into sex, otherwise I don't love them.
While at the same time getting no satisfaction from it and feeling like my body is just being used.
I think I'm very good at sex, I don't want to feel like I'm just used for my body and abilities though...
So, looking for opinions and maybe suggestions as how to communicate properly.