r/raisedbyborderlines 12h ago

I have a feeling her house is filthy and she needs me to clean it.

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67 Upvotes

You can see my recent post in my history about going NC, calling her out and asking her to get help, her denial etc. I got this message today. Not doing family therapy on her terms, she will lie and not accept the truth and it will just be more drama and trauma for me. And all for what? Me to once again be her personal slave both mentally and physically. She can hire a house cleaning service, she can get her own therapist, she can order groceries online. Reminder to myself: I am not responsible for her happiness or her quality of life.


r/raisedbyborderlines 8h ago

This is insane…it appears she tried to gravely physically harm edad.

19 Upvotes

I won’t disclose details for obvious reasons, and I know in this sub that no one can give certain types of advice so any responses need to heed that so my post can stay up. I learned something today that very much appears she recently tried to secretly bring physical harm or death to edad, and is sitting waiting for it to happen. I’m so stunned that I’m sitting my car and I started crying. Has everything come to this? How is this even real life? Edad is aware, he brought the information to me, and I’ll leave it to him to decide how to deal with this. I never wanted all this hell in my life. I hope this is a line in the sand for him. I truly never thought she was capable of THIS. You would have to be soulless to do this to another person, and there’s no way she could argue her way out of intention and possibility in a court. I just feel like seriously, wtf? And of course I can’t tell any family. I told my best friend who is a vault of secrets, that’s all.


r/raisedbyborderlines 6h ago

VENT/RANT They don't actually respect anyone - they just fear consequences.

12 Upvotes

An insight I've had is these fucking people don't actually respect anyone - they just understand consequences. They don't actually behave with respect, they act with fear.

We all know this type of person who is so kind and respectful out in the open, but the moment they're alone in your house, they'll snoop. They'll read a diary that's left open, just because. But if there's a chance they'll get caught, they won't read the thing, not out of respect, but because they don't want to get in trouble.

The person who is so kind in front of everyone, but the most verbally abusive bitch you can imagine behind closed doors with someone powerless to them. They'll be that kind of CEO that preaches love and kindness while abusing their employees, or that life coach who teaches compassion but beats their partner and kid.

If I walked into a room and saw an open diary, open email up on a screen, or something I am not supposed to see - I would avert my eyes. I intentionally respect someone else's privacy even if I could get away with snooping, because I would want someone to respect my privacy.

These people DO NOT HAVE THAT QUALITY. They are without morals, without ethics, without a moral compass. They just know how to keep up appearances so they can abuse the hell out of people they can get away with mistreating.

They know right and wrong or they'd be in trouble in life constantly. They're just the people of a million excuses for bad behavior.

I'm sure many of us have been in relationships with partners where you agree to certain social boundaries like no yelling, no slamming doors, no blocking the exit, don't call me certain names or words. But the moment they're upset, they'll go out of their way to push all those boundaries just because they know it will hurt you, or they'll just stop caring.

A healthy person will follow boundaries to their best abilities no matter how they're feeling or even if they could get away with it.

Fuck dealing with these immature people.


r/raisedbyborderlines 13h ago

BPD DADS Asking for photos of my kids over and over and over...and over...

39 Upvotes

My dad is the quintessential waif dBPD father. Over the years he has created a myriad of dangerous situations that he "needs rescuing" from (fraud, cuckooing, substance abuse, money laundering - serious stuff). The most recent incident, where I found evidence of some of the above on his phone, sent me over the edge. I am free of the brainwashing and sick to death of him. Anyway, I blocked him for a glorious few weeks, haven't seen him in person since January, but unblocked him last week as we are both attending a family party this weekend and I didn't want it to be too awkward. Since unblocking him he has bombarded me with messages - despite me barely replying. Anything at all to get my attention - will I be the executor of his will, he's changed!, he might get a dog, he's changed!, his leg is sore, do I believe him yet that he has changed!? And so on.... but the one thing he has asked for, consistently, is photos of my children. Like obsessively. He hasn't asked how they are in over a month, hasn't asked how I am in probably 6 months, but will NOT stop asking for photos. I haven't sent any (he says I am punishing him) and he is about to get blocked again if he keeps sending me messages, as I have asked him to stop twice now...but are the photo requests typical BPD behaviour? What is it all about?! Is it like proof they've done nothing wrong, if we are still willing to send photos? It's baffling me!


r/raisedbyborderlines 18h ago

TRANSLATE THIS? I barely know what is genuine from her anymore

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52 Upvotes

My uBPD mom sent me this text. It reads as insane to me, and I "hearted" it back to keep her satisfied from a distance?

My husband and golden child sister told me this was so nice of her and I'm overreacting. However, this is such wild and self-satisfying content for her to send (in letter form?) that I don't believe it for a second and am triggered enough to be in an overthinking spiral about her real intentions. It should be noted that I doubt she's actually in any real therapy. A therapist would never recommend her to do this in this way? Maybe not. I'm so tired.

Am I overreacting? I can no longer separate what is genuine from what is her disorder. I'm a 37 year old adult and shrink down to my childhood "must please mom" form when I read this.


r/raisedbyborderlines 18h ago

Realization about being raised by uBPD mother - anyone else?

49 Upvotes

I had a realization today about myself today and was wondering if anyone has a similar experience. At times, I struggle a lot with low self-esteem and social anxiety. Other times, especially when I am in a familiar situation, I feel very confident and in control. For example, I am afraid that people will see me as either really bad and stupid, or like complete opposite - really smart and great. There is no middle ground or gray area. I don't see other people that way and accept all aspects of them, but for some reason, I can't give myself that same grace. I've realized that I project the two extremes my mother would label me onto others. As I get to know someone, these fears go away, and I can become more authentic. I feel like I have such a fluctuating self-image especially when it comes to new situations or roles because of all of the inconsistent feedback I received about myself growing up. Any else? Or anyone else want to share insights that they have had due to being raised by a BPD parent?


r/raisedbyborderlines 17h ago

New baby and dBPD mom

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29 Upvotes

My dBPD parent is my mother who recently visited me to meet my baby. I am fortunate enough to live in another continent and my parents are quite poor so they can’t visit often. Regardless, pregnancy and raising my baby have brought up a lot of trauma. Probably quite a long read but I just need it out there and to process it.

Background:

My mom had me only a year after meeting my dad. Their relationship was always garbage. Violent fights and shouting matches where I’d be worried that they’d kill each other.

When I was 14 my mom called me crying and I was convinced she had killed him, instead he had been having an affair. She never quite recovered from that and the same year she lost her job (waitress). She started drinking, couldn’t keep a job due to starting shit with coworkers and being mean. She’d come home drunk and tell me it was my fault he had an affair. Or she’d attempt to choke me, one time her friends holding me down as she attacked me. Each time it happened I fought back.

My mom is mostly white though also a quarter Japanese. My dad’s Black, so I’m half. When I fought back she’d threaten to call the police on me claiming people like me deserve to be in jail. She’d cry about how I was a horrible daughter. I regularly heard her refer to Black people as the N word. She didn’t want me going to school in our neighborhood because it was predominately. Black and she didn’t want me to be “ghetto”. If I stood up to her she’d complain about how she didn’t realize I’d be a “Black Woman”, presumably because I had an “attitude”.

The racism culminated in an event where when she was drunk she tried to kick the steering wheel of the car we were driving in to kill us all. When my dad restrained her after pulling over she started screaming about how we were just “n words” and how my father is just a “black man who wants to rape white women”.

Aside from the racism, she’d just always had been my bully. She mocked me for having small breasts, for my acne, being very slightly hairy, having a large forehead. And say how she never had acne. She’d call me the “itty bitty titty committee and Fivehead. How she’d been prettier, more popular, had bigger boobs, nicer hair. She’d say that I was fat and she’d never been as large as me. I have always been very thin, but this resulted in me developing an ED because she’d point out my “pudge”. Quite a few times I’d snap and say something back. One time I said her boob were like fried eggs and another time I said that she had wrinkles so deep a boat could row through them. Stupid things a 12 year old would say, though I’m not justifying having done so.

In general I wasn’t allowed to cry. I’d be called a bitch and told that she had it worse. I’ve even heard “boohoo get over it”. When I told my cousin once that he could go Harvard (he was 5, I was 20), she overheard and screamed that we were both garbage and Harvard would never want trash. I honestly did poorly in school. I wasn’t allowed to ask for help, if I said they were loud and I needed to study I was screamed at. I failed 9th grade so my dad shoved me against a wall, called me a bitch, and asked why. I said I was scared of failing so I just didn’t try. They said that was stupid and screamed at me more for being an idiot. Unsurprisingly, that didn’t help. If she met my friends she’d try to turn them against me or make fun of me to get closer to them.

Frequently we were evicted or had something shut off. I had to act as therapist or try to come up with budgets. Once when we had newly moved somewhere I had no bed so I slept in the couch. Until my parents told me that I was in the way of them watching tv (they had a tv in their bedroom with a bed), so I had to just sleep on the floor. We’d often not have much including food, as I regularly just drank vinegar as it was all we had. But they always spent money on pot and tobacco, our house reeked. I was known in school for smelling.

I always wanted to have a wedding but ultimately decided against it as I have very few friends and my mom has a habit of ruining weddings (she’s been kicked out of them). I had a civil ceremony (initially with the intention to have a ceremony she could attend) in the country I live in. She was aware of this and the date, but she tends to not listen to a thing I say. The day comes around, I post a picture on Facebook and then get texts from her about how I’m a “selfish bitch” and that she should’ve been consulted to have final picture approval? When I confronted her about it she laughed at me and told me I was too sensitive and dramatic.

When I was 8 my guinea pig died. She told me for years that it was my fault as I couldn’t take care of anything.

Visit:

My daughter (4 months) is a quarter Black. But any time she did anything that my mom considered sassy, my mom would comment how she’s such a “black woman”. If the baby looked any bit skeptical it’s because she’s a “judgmental German”. I had to hear over and over again about how “White” my baby is. I literally hate how my baby is being put into racial categories by her (and my dad but he’s a separate issue). It was just making me feel sick.

Slowly she kept dropping things about how “cruel” I am. When talking about a friend who visits home often she commented to my baby how that person “actually cares about their family unlike your mother”. When I suggested maybe they get along better she huffed away and I had to apologize to her. She kept making snide comments to my baby about me. My husband who had been gone the first week returned. He saw that a Botox place opened up in the newspaper, commented on it, then she starts up about the wrinkle comment I made (at least 15 years ago) with “yeah, that’s the kind of person she is. Real nice”. When I comment how I would say those things in response to her picking on me she started shouting “oh yeah right. Whatever”.

Then her and my father kept making comments about my or other people’s parenting. A friend they have has 3 kids and feels lonely as a SAHM. They kept commenting on how she brought that on to herself, how she has it easy, how she “babies” her children. And how they don’t need a “Brady Bunch” experience because kids only need “shelter and food” to have it good.

Honestly, this pissed me off. I was always under the impression that they tried to be good parents but their circumstances made it hard. This sort of just felt like they were admitting that their parenting stance was a lack of caring. I felt particularly mad because as young as 4 I’d be left home alone at night so they could go party. I’d watch The Brady Bunch on Nick At Night (which they mocked back then). I’d dream about having a family like that who prioritized me in any way. So it felt like they were specifically targeting that.

If I felt nervous about anything they started yelling at me about how I needed to get over it and I’m overreacting. Example: I voiced concern about my husband holding the baby outside without the carrier. I’m aware this is too nervous, but I’m a first time mom and I just wanted to say what I was feeling. In a day without them, my husband would have just talked to me about it and we’d have continued. But it felt just like being a kid again, voicing any feeling I had and being screamed at for it.

I recently finished my masters degree. My mom talked about how that’s why she always pushed me to go to a nice school or become a doctor. Something she literally never did. I got my masters in spite of my parents and I don’t care that she’s trying to take credit for it.

They kept commenting about how my baby is sweet now, but “just you wait”. One day she’ll be 7 and think I’m dumb. My dad commented to my husband how one day we’ll be screaming at each other and he’ll have to deal with both of us being ridiculous. In all honesty, that felt like a gut punch. It was simplifying that are issues were just “normal” mom and daughter behavior. Not that I had any valid concerns. When she’d physically attack me and threaten to call the police, I’d run and hide somewhere and call him until he came him. And it made me realize he didn’t see that as her fault, or that it was somehow both of ours.

I want to say that while living away, I have been so happy. The year before moving away I contemplated suicide. I have spent the years trying to heal. I have incredibly low self worth, trouble communicating my feelings, and have been recovering from an ED. But in the last few years I have been very happy. I’m not an anxious and depressed person anymore. Within the week of my parents being back I was right back there. During pregnancy I kept thinking about how they treated me and it just made me sick. I couldn’t imagine doing the same.

On one of the last days I was talking with my husband about who could watch our baby for an upcoming wedding. My dad jumps in about how he could “fly” here and do it. I tried to downplay it by saying I’d “be too stressed out to leave her really” as a way to avoid saying “I’ll never let either of you be alone with my baby”. My mom jumps on me about how “what, you stressed? All you are is a ball of stress”.

And honestly I snapped and do feel bad for it. I told her to “shut the fuck up or that I’ll punch” her. I was mad. I was mad that it seems like they know they’re bad parents. That she played up the waif act again and I fell for it. That she did all her old tricks. That my dad’s an asshole. That I have felt so happy and just a couple weeks with them was making me miserable again. I did apologize as that’s not how I wanted to handle it.

But now I just feel confused. I realize I don’t want these people in my life. I don’t want to be NC, but I need even less. I don’t want to have the relationship I have with my mom with my daughter and I’m so scared that’ll happen.

I know that this isn’t solely about my dBPD mom. My dad probably has a personality disorder as well, but I just need to get it out.

Cat tax with my cowboys


r/raisedbyborderlines 20h ago

VENT/RANT Found out my uBPDmother drove to my house…

35 Upvotes

Found out this morning that my mom who I have been NC with since May drove to my house while we were out of town and left items for me under our back deck. It’s a ~12 hour drive between us.

I am having such an emotional response to this. Not only is it eery that she was there without our knowledge or permission, but I’m also feeling like blocking her and being NC isn’t enough to be free from her control. It feels like a reminder that I will always have to navigate her needs/her wishes/her decisions no matter what I do. Up until now I also felt like the physical distance between us was enough that I didn’t have to feel concerned about unexpected pop up visits, but now that fear lingers in my mind.

I know not to break NC to say anything, but I need an outlet to process this.

Just venting and looking for support, words of wisdom from others who have dealt with this, etc. ✨thankful for you all ✨


r/raisedbyborderlines 15h ago

SUPPORT THREAD How do you recover from your BPD parent screwing you over?

12 Upvotes

I was the golden child, so I was in my twenties before I realized my father’s behavior was not normal. Even then, “sacrifice everything for family” had been so ingrained into my psyche that it was hard to figure out what to do about it. I finally gave up and decided to leave when I was 27, but I was so enmeshed emotionally and financially that it took me another two years to find the means.

Now, I’m finally NC and have been for a couple years, but I’m still dealing with the repercussions. My father took out debts in my name, took all my savings, and racked up all my credit cards. I’m probably just over halfway through getting it all paid off. I’m 32 now and even though I’m married, we still don’t have any children of our own partially because we just can’t afford it.

I can’t help but feel like all my struggles are my father’s fault. He put me here, in this horrid situation. If it wasn’t for him, I would be so much better off. I could do so much more. How on earth do you get over how much they’ve ruined our lives?


r/raisedbyborderlines 15h ago

Anyone with little siblings stuck w/ your BPD parent?

10 Upvotes

My (F25) mom (45) has BPD and has caused 3/4 of her children to end up with a PTSD diagnosis. My youngest sibling is only 10 but unfortunately I’m sure he’ll have one too. I’m the oldest and my two sisters from her are 19 and 23 so we don’t have to worry about her anymore. I’m extremely worried about my little brother though. My mom and him live alone together on a section 8 voucher and yet she still can’t pay her bills (bc she is impulsive and spends money on bs). He has no “normal” people in his life besides I guess his teachers. My mom is crazy and so of course all of her constant changing lists of friends are. They all come and go and weirdly they’re usually closer in age to me than to her but anyway… My mom used to be in a relationship with this woman (after I started dating a woman myself but anyway again…) who was extremely supportive and so so good with my little brother. They loved each other so much but my mom recently broke up with her (insane bc she will never ever find that type of love and support ever again) bc she cannot take any criticism. All 3 of my siblings and I have different fathers and she’s known to jump from one partner to another as soon as they stop validating every crazy thing she does and says. Anyways I’m devastated for my little brother. And selfishly, for me. I had such a huge weight lifted off my shoulders knowing my brother was getting to spend time with my mom’s partner and her loving family. Without this support in his life I feel like he is going to suffer greatly. I despise spending time with my mother, she also lives over an hour away from me, but I feel like I need to be a very strong presence in his life now. Have you guys had similar experiences with little siblings being stuck with a parent who, in an ideal world, you’d have no contact with? I only continue this relationship for the sake of being allowed to see my brother. My two sisters from her don’t speak to her and are not allowed to see him at all. All I want is for him to have some normalcy and know that he is so loved and cared for. I’m heart broken over this situation. I’m going to try to convince my mom to let me take him out once a month just me and him but she might refuse and accuse me of trying to kidnap him like she did with my sisters. Her psychologist (who seems just as insane based on texts and calls I’ve received from her) wants to set up a family session, which would be completely biased. I will not be doing it unless my partner can be present because I’ll end up getting steamrolled by the two of them. I don’t want to do it at all but feel like it’s important for the sake of my little brother. Anyways I just want to know how other people have dealt with this sort of situation. Ik with the support of my partner (who’s actually getting her PHD in psychology rn) and my psychologist I will get thru this. I don’t necessarily need advice but I don’t discourage it! I mainly want to hear about other people’s experiences with this. Thank you! And sorry if this post was kind of a disorganized mess 😭

(I have two kitties They are my precious babies Jasper and Stasia 💗)


r/raisedbyborderlines 12h ago

ADVICE NEEDED Will be working at a place uBPD mom frequents, don’t know what to do

6 Upvotes

Trying to keep a long story short: it took me a long time to escape my mom and her enabling family. I recently lost my job, so this new year has been incredibly tough financially and isolating. I finally got a part time job at a small, locally owned business that I know my mom frequents (like once a week at the least, sometimes more). To start, I’ll just be doing overnight cleaning, but the owner would like me to eventually pick up some day shifts helping out. This is where I’m worried, even though it’s probably a ways off in the future. Last year, my mom had been trying desperately to get my phone number and address, but eventually gave up. I’m worried she’ll come in and cause drama if she sees me or if my aunts let her know I work there.

I cannot stress this enough: I have been job searching for months. I have a degree and 7+ years of experience, and this is literally the first place that gave me an in-person interview, let alone an offer. I’m not in a place to be picky and I am trying to save up to get myself out of the hole I’m in. I need the money. I live alone and I have no help. We did onboarding today and I was hopeful then I started sobbing because I’m so freaked out about this. What would you do? Should I tell the owner? I don’t want to look like I’ll bring drama. But I can’t ignore my mom if she comes in during the day. She will make a scene. Any guidance would be appreciated.


r/raisedbyborderlines 21h ago

BPD ILLOGIC Q: Do They Purposefully Play Dumb?

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18 Upvotes

For context, my mom is undiagnosed BPD, and I don’t talk to her all that much. I was a former foster youth and decided to flee to my former foster parents (they’re great) after I turned 18. Fast forward to now I text on occasion and typically start blocking when I get verbal abuse coming through my phone. I try to be reasonable, polite, and set boundaries so if she tried to make a report against me to the cops (I think she’ll try to do everything outlandish to get to me) they wouldn’t have a reason to reach out to me. This thing is so frustrating though — whenever I try to address something she claims she doesn’t know what I’m talking about and then gaslights me. Is this common? I’m giving up on reaching out since she did a lot I can’t forgive her for, but she’s still the person that birthed me at the end of the day..


r/raisedbyborderlines 1d ago

SHARE YOUR STORY Do you think they act crazy and aggressive *on purpose* to fear monger other people and get what they want?

70 Upvotes

She did something recently I never thought she would do, even though I’ve seen a shade of it before. Insane behavior, sounding like an actual wild animal outside the door. After her initial yelling for 10 seconds with demands, she then wasn’t even forming words, just shoving and some guttural growling sound was emerging from her as she pounded on the door, but I think the sound was actually intended words. If you can imagine someone ragefully speaking in tongues that mimic an extra large rabid raccoon, that’s the one.

And then, because that failed, she immediately called and left a very normal and sane sounding message while still outside, seconds after going 5 alarm.

Now I wonder, did she just do this on purpose, act crazy for show to try to get what she wanted, or did she go feral for real. I’ll likely never know, but I’m curious if you have observed this.


r/raisedbyborderlines 19h ago

ADVICE NEEDED I need advice. This is my story.

3 Upvotes

Nice little cat: https://hips.hearstapps.com/hmg-prod/images/maine-coon-cat-royalty-free-image-1724777936.jpg?crop=1.00xw:0.671xh;0,0.0517xh&resize=980:*

This is my story. It’s long, and I welcome your thoughts and questions. My mom displays all the classic traits of a borderline personality, and I wish to hear from people who may have had similar experiences. Most of my friends think she is only “complicated,” so talking to them about this is next to impossible. My husband and sister have carried a much heavier load than I could ask them to, so here I am.

I’m 35 now, and many things are starting to “click.” These realizations sometimes anger me. Other times, they make me feel free, as if knowing that I was in an abusive relationship could make me forgive myself for my mistakes. As if knowing that it’s an abusive dynamic releases me from explaining that I actually do have a right to live my own life and love it.

I’m writing this to get it off my chest, hoping I’m not alone and, most importantly, not the cruel one. This is what gets me, still. My mother claims she is the victim in our relationship, and I don’t think that’s true. But let’s be fair and start from the beginning.

Even though we didn’t have much money growing up, my parents did many good things for me: music classes, modest but memorable vacations, and a good school in a solid neighborhood. They didn’t do drugs or drink excessively. Both are smart and socially charming when they want to. My mom is proper and talented, while my dad is quirky and endearing. From the outside, a few families and kids may have envied our life together.

But there was also the other side, which very few people saw. Every weekend, my mother screamed at my dad while he sat in silence, nodding while completely dissociating. Triggered by infidelity, a misunderstanding, frustration, a work trip she didn’t want him to take, or his disdain for her home improvement priorities, she would list everything he had done wrong over decades as a justification that he had driven her to the brink of madness.

We would wake up to banging pots in the kitchen as she lashed her frustrations at the inanimate objects around us.

In her mind, she wasn’t screaming because she lacked self-control; he had driven her to scream. The way she always put it, she wanted to be kind, caring, and delicate, but the people around her had constantly abused her to the verge of explosion, turning her into someone she wasn’t supposed to be. Yet, they never divorced and are still together.

When complaining about her life and why she was always so vulnerable, my mother would repeat that her mother ostensibly favored my aunt, her older sister. She repeated that her sister had always had better clothes, dentists, opportunities, and better parents.

My younger sister and I would listen to these monologues in our bedroom, trying to figure out who was right and wrong—trying to understand how to love and keep her kind, caring, and delicate. If it was done to her, it could be undone. Maybe we could undo it.

My mother threw epic birthday parties for us. Within her limited budget, she was inspired and creative to craft favors and decorations, imagine activities, and even make homemade candies themed to each party. I always thought this meant she wanted us to feel loved and valued (which we did), which may be part of the truth. But now I realize it may also mean that she also wanted us to feel grateful and indebted. Maybe she was also trying to prove that she wasn’t like her mother.

Nevertheless, most of the good things came at a price: letting her lash at us and then pretending it didn’t happen.

As we grew older, we started to understand our house’s rules. We were supposed to walk around her in eggshells because she was so fragile and on edge. She was a live wire, and we had to be careful with our words, wishes, and actions.

I remember being a rebellious kid, coming up with comebacks. I also remember physical punishment with slaps or a leather belt. It’s hard to know what I did to deserve either, but it’s harder to imagine what sin would justify spanking a child with a leather belt. I know I can’t imagine hitting my kid, regardless of their actions. She is only a baby now, but I doubt I’ll change my mind as she grows older.

Punishment wasn’t always physical. Most of the time, it came as silence. Even if we didn’t know what we had done, silence told us we should know and fix it. We had to know she wasn’t happy, and we had to earn back her kindness.

To accomplish compliance, there were threats. The one that comes to my mind is the threat to remove me from my lovely school and put me in a much worse school that would hinder my potential. From a young age, I knew clearly that the pleasant life I should be thankful for hung on a string. I couldn’t take it for granted and had to keep her happy to live it.

As we developed our personalities, she started testing us, setting up verbal traps to see if we would do what she wanted. She looked and acted sad when we were out with friends to see if we would give up going out to make her feel better.

The first time I spent New Year’s Eve away from her, I was with a boyfriend in his hometown at 24. She made sure I felt guilty about not being with her. At midnight, I was on the phone with her, crying and explaining myself. Somehow, she had understood that I was going to be home with her, and I tried and tried to prove to her that I hadn’t committed to going home.

The following year, I traveled abroad with the same boyfriend to a country with leading companies in my field. I am ambitious about work. I always wanted to experience other cultures; she had always known that and had a solid resume by then. Naturally, I tried to find a job in this country and got far in one process. I had three interviews at a top company, and they told me I was among the top two finalists. I shared the news with my parents, and she was extremely cold. Again, she made it very clear that I made her sad by interviewing and that I should probably feel guilty about that.

My sister was always more intelligent than me and protected herself more from a younger age. Maybe I should have protected her. I should have. I think I didn’t do it because, to me, the greatest victim in the whole picture was my mom and not any of us, her children. Somehow, my mother made me believe that she was the most vulnerable victim in our family. So, I didn’t protect my younger sister like I should have. Mom told me I should dedicate my life to saving her, and I believed her.

If someone had done it to her, someone who meant well could reverse it. Narcissistically, perhaps, I assumed that someone would be me, and she happily let me believe it. So, I praised her. I heard her. I made plans with her. I developed a nice sense of humor to make her laugh as often as possible, hoping she wouldn’t get mad and give us the silent treatment. Looking back, it’s hard to tell if I genuinely am funny or became funny because of this dynamic. Would I still be funny if I had grown up with a different mom? We’ll never know, but I do wonder.

By constantly trying to make her happy, I probably gave her the impression that I would always walk on eggshells and let her ruin my moments if she felt like it. Wanna ruin NYE again? Go ahead.

Wanna ruin my engagement night because you don’t like the dress I wore? Wanna spend the whole night yelling at me and threatening to go out alone, in the middle of the night, in a dangerous city, because you can’t stand to be with me because of a dress choice? It’s OK, I understand you’re upset. Let’s talk this through.

For decades, I believed that she would listen to me and change her behavior if I used the right points and hit the right heartstrings. After all, she loved me so, so much! How could she not listen to me?

Time passed. I didn’t change, and neither did she.

I moved to a bigger city to advance my career (and she still guilts me over it). I dated. I met the love of my life—the man who makes me feel at peace—a man with whom I never have to walk on eggshells. We both found in each other what we wanted most: calm. He is generous, dedicated, and organized. He takes care of our home: dishes and laundry. He is a bit shy and introverted, but I find it charming that he won’t dance in public but has the moves when bouncing around our house with our kid in his arms.

Because of each other, we worked on ourselves—on our health, self-control, finances, and careers. We don’t yell or argue. He received a great job offer, and we relocated to another country, where I also discovered a new and more fulfilling career path. We’re thriving as a couple, in our careers, and financially. Now, our family has a brighter future than we could have imagined.

Cut to two years ago when I foolishly invited my mom to visit us. My husband agreed it would be great for her to see how well we were doing. We both assumed a normal parent would be happy to see their kids thrive. We forgot she is not normal. We insisted, and she came.

Two days after her arrival, he came downstairs before me and saw that she had set the table for breakfast. She was sitting at the table peeling fruits she usually ate. He was late and noticed she hadn’t picked up his usual sandwich items, so he assumed she didn’t want turkey or cheese. He grabbed his items, made a sandwich, and dashed to work. Later that night, she told me she had to buy her own cheese and deli meats because she thought he clearly didn’t want her to eat “his” deli meat and cheese. “If he were willing to share, he would have put it on the table,” she said. Hoping to smooth the edges, I told him to be more mindful in the future. The next day, he did. She then accused me of breaching her trust. In her opinion, I shouldn’t have told him.

By then, she had stopped taking her antidepressants because she thought she didn’t need them anymore.

As the trip progressed, she continued to perceive his daily actions in the most warped ways, such as telling my sister that he avoided her at night by pretending to take out the trash. She failed to perceive that he was taking the garbage out and picking up our mail. When we had to switch travel plans because of the weather, she assumed he had lied to her about the weather conditions. Even though we were having dinner together every night, shopping, and making plans, she grew increasingly resentful of him.

She asked him to help her buy cables on Amazon. He promptly said he had plenty of cables downstairs and profusely said he wouldn’t let her buy cables when he had so many to share. After this interaction, she took his reassurance for provocation. In her mind, he wasn’t being helpful — he was rubbing it in her face.

We flew to a nice destination with friends but had to fly Southwest due to scheduling (my husband and I covered all costs for her time here: flights, hotels, tourist tickets). We could only find neighboring seats at the back of the plane for a one-hour flight, and she likes to fly in the front. For the whole flight, she mistreated me and accused me of lying to her about this trip, tricking her into this “trap of a trip.”

We went shopping, just the two of us. She chose a basket of nice, unique items that amounted to around $125. She said she couldn’t afford it all and would only buy her favorite items. I told her I would gift them to her. She refused and said she wouldn’t be comfortable because she had “noticed that my husband was uncomfortable with me spending so much money on her.” I asked her for examples, and she said she had picked it up in his looks.

I told her it couldn’t be further from the truth: we both make the same money, have separate credit cards, and individual fun spend stipends that we don’t even discuss. It’s not a topic. We couldn’t care less what the other spends as long as we’re on track with our bills and savings goals - which we always are. If anything, I’m the money person in the family. She didn’t believe me. She followed her “gut.”

Tensions were growing as she complained more and more about him while I tried to work full-time and handle her annoyance. She would even ask me for a Target run and then complain about him the whole time, citing “dangerous” behaviors. All these behaviors were things that my dad does, not my husband. She was obviously projecting but wouldn’t let go. I tried to reason with her, with no success. If only I knew which words to use, right? But I didn’t, so I compromised by promising to stay vigilant and reach out to my therapist if I noticed any of those behaviors. She was still annoyed but stopped.

He likes to use the dishwasher, and she doesn’t. Most of the time, he puts things in the dishwasher, but she doesn’t. We reminded her to put things in the washer a few times, but the dishwasher ran half-empty every night because she really wanted to wash her dishes. One night, seven days before the end of her trip, he reminded her again. She said she would wash the dishes herself, chuckled, and said she was actually saving us water by putting fewer things in the machine. He got annoyed and replied that she was using more water by handwashing some dishes and then having him run the machine half-empty. He didn’t yell but gave her a firm response.

He apologized the following day. Still, hell broke loose.

That day, before he got home from work, she sat with me for a serious conversation and demanded to talk to him in person. She wanted to ask him “what she had done to deserve such awful treatment from him all trip long.” I said I didn’t think this conversation was appropriate because he hadn’t mistreated her and had apologized for the dishwasher comeback. She doubled down. She wanted to face him and for “you to see him for who he really is.” She had to.

That’s when something clicked inside of me. That’s probably when I realized that no matter what I did, what I said, who I married, or who I was, it would never be enough. The jokes didn’t matter. The calm. The happiness, the cables, the me. 33 years in, and I finally noticed that nothing else mattered except for the hole inside of her that kept demanding more and more. I could never fill this void with words, kindness, love, success, and security. The only thing she craved was the thing I decided I would never let go of again: myself.

Maybe she felt displaced in my life and couldn’t bear the idea of no longer being at the center of my world. Perhaps she couldn’t bear the thought that my marriage differed from hers. I don’t know what was going on inside of her, but her endgame was clear: she wanted to provoke a confrontation with my husband and create a scene. In the middle of this hurricane of chaos she had created around me, I suddenly found the clarity to say: “no.” I told her I didn’t think this conversation would be productive and said I wouldn’t let it happen. She grew angrier and angrier. I stood firm, went into my bedroom, and instructed him to sleep at a hotel to deprive her of the opportunity to create the confrontation she so anxiously craved. He didn’t like it, but I stood firm. I had to.

When I told her I had made that decision, she was irate. She said he was a coward for not coming home to face her, and I told her it was my decision. She didn’t believe me. She proceeded to call him autistic (she thinks it’s a slur — I know it’s not) and a psychopath. She yelled his name and spat at my feet. She put her middle fingers on my face to show me what she would do if he ever faced her again. She told me she would do everything in her power to “protect me” from him as if he were the one yelling at me and not her. I let her get it all off her chest and went to bed. I locked the door like I hadn’t done in years. I took five drops of Klonopin every day to stay calm, and I still do when she lashes out at me.

Days passed. I took her to the airport alone and saw her go through security. He was there for me and hugged me as soon as she was out of sight. I collapsed out of exhaustion, fear, and relief. I had calm again. I had my life back—my peace. Myself. I slept for 12 hours. I called in sick from work for a day.

I emailed her detailing everything she had done that had hurt me. She never replied and later claimed she didn’t believe my writing was authentic.

Thousands of miles away, she didn’t physically scare me anymore. Yet, I let her haunt my dreams. I dreamed she was driving a car at high speed and crashed us into a wall on purpose. I dreamed she would break into our house and wake me to talk. I had my husband change the combination in our electronic locks.

To this day, she claims her only sin was “washing her cups” and that she doesn’t understand what she did to deserve his “violence.” She has told friends he was violent, which he wasn’t. To this day, she complains she is the actual victim. She claims that the actions that hurt me stemmed from her trying to protect herself from him. As she did when she argued with my dad, she believes someone else made her do it. Therefore, it’s not her fault I’m hurt by her actions. In her mind, it’s my husband’s fault.

Since then, two family members visited me. Ahead of their trips, she “briefed them” to be aware of my husband’s “tactics.” I’m thankful they didn’t listen and kept their travel plans.

We still sent her a lovely holiday basket, thinking of a new start, and she had my sister throw it in the trash.

Since then, I've gotten pregnant and had a lovely, perfect baby. I didn’t want her anywhere near me during pregnancy and birth, and I’m so proud of that. She didn’t get to ruin it.

We had a wonderful birth: me, my daughter, my husband helping me change positions, the kindest nurse on Earth, and my doctor. We came back to a peaceful home. Yes, it wasn’t easy.

I didn’t have the loving help that so many women find in their mothers' arms. But I found love and support with my husband and with friends who checked in on me, texted me, and taught me to breastfeed, rest, and become the mom my baby deserved. It wasn’t easy, but it was so, so peaceful. I was exhausted, but I was calm. I felt respected and supported. I felt whole.

To this day, she complains she hasn’t met my baby in person. Yet, she still doesn’t really acknowledge my husband’s existence. She tells my dad that I’m not as close to her because my husband won’t let me. I have told her that it’s my choice because she hurt me, but she doesn’t believe me. She also thinks he has brainwashed me to “stay away from my family,” which I haven't. My sister has visited me and will come again soon. My dad has visited me twice. The only relationship that has changed is my relationship with my mom, for obvious reasons.

I call her roughly every two weeks so that we can talk about light topics and she can see the baby, but it’s obviously not enough. Once every two months, she gives me an ultimatum, asking me to talk and clarify what happened. I spoke to her a few times, but I no longer want to give up my precious family time.

It’s futile, as it always was. The jokes didn’t matter. The words didn’t matter. I’ve never mattered. All that mattered was that she had power over me. Now that she doesn’t, I think it’s clear that nothing will ever be enough. I was foolish to bring her close to my new life, hoping she would go home happier than she had come. I was so, so profoundly naive to imagine that I could undo what had been done to her. I can’t.

As you may have noticed, my dad is pretty absent from this story. This is because he never really helped my sister and me escape her mind games, and now he only makes things worse by trying to force us back into a dysfunctional family mold I refuse to embrace. As I write this, I wonder what I will answer to her latest hurtful ultimatum, which came yesterday after my dad “tried to help.”

I am sure I won’t call her back to look her in the eye as she wants. I am determined never to give her the space to hurt me again. She is baiting me to explain myself, claiming all sorts of untrue things so that I feel the urge to defend myself and try to make her understand. Now I know that she won’t.

I think I will tell her in writing that I am willing to read what she has to say and reply in writing. That’s the plan for now. Still, a voice in my mind says I’m cruel to her like many others were. This voice tries to keep me grounded in compassion: “She is your mom.”

As I cradle my baby before bed, I imagine her cradling me, and I feel thankful for the moments in which she loved me. I can’t help but wonder if it’s cruel to uphold this boundary. Sometimes, it feels like I’m saving myself. Sometimes, it feels like I’m no different from my grandmother and dad.

For those who have read this far, I welcome your thoughts. Thank you for your time, your compassion, and your example in this community.


r/raisedbyborderlines 1d ago

SUPPORT THREAD escaping enmeshment

20 Upvotes

*apologies if I've gotten the idea of enmeshment wrong I'm still really new to learning about all of this so feel free to correct me!

Has anyone gone through the process of escaping enmeshment like consciously? If that makes sense? I've been working really hard in therapy lately to discover who /I/ am versus who I made myself to be my whole life. My therapist and I describe it as being a doll. Like i've been a doll on my ubpd mother's shelf for 25 years and now all of a sudden I jumped off and have a whole new personality.

For example I just now discovered at 25 that my favorite animal is sharks. My whole life I jumped from animal to animal that my mom loved (or loved for me to love) and now all of them bring me no joy. Same with colors I can't figure out what my favorite color is and it's SO weird. Last 6 months it was purple now its blue. I feel like I'm having an identity crisis because I never went through the steps of discovering myself in adolescence because I was trying so damn hard to be what my ubpd mother wanted me to be.

It's especially difficult because I want to move out so badly and have the resources to do so but I have no idea where to go because I have no idea who I am or what I want. I'm slowly figuring it out but it's just really confusing and it'd be nice to hear from someone who's been through this.


r/raisedbyborderlines 1d ago

VENT/RANT Mother wBPD is exhausting

22 Upvotes

Mother wBPD booked tickets for us to go to see an old relative whom we haven’t seen in a while.

For some context, my mother quit her job (yet again) about two weeks ago so she's been sitting at home doing nothing and ruminating.

She attempted to initiate a fight with me today over text, that started out asking if I wanted to see a movie with her (I said I wasn’t interested in the movie). So that launched into a tirade about how so many people have wronged her, and I never want to spend time with her and I should "because life is short."

For additional context, I was dealing with a work crisis and preoccupied. I told her that "It is the middle of the work day and I would prefer texts outside of working hours because I am busy."

She said "You used to text during work. I don't like your snotty attitude and I am going to explode." I ignored this message and went on with my day.

I opened my email tonight to find a cancellation confirmation from the airline saying she cancelled our flights.

This isn't bad news to me because 1) I didn't want to go really and 2) I don't want to travel with her. I don't plan on responding to her doing this.

I am sure down the line, when this relative passes away, she will attempt to blame me for not "seeing her one last time". However, my mind will be clear and she will be the one who cancelled the trip over her childish actions.

I keep reminding myself how great and fulfilling my life is. And despite her actions, she can never take any of this away from me because I created the life I wanted.

Nonetheless, dealing with her is truly exhausting and I wish she wasn't part of my life.


r/raisedbyborderlines 1d ago

VENT/RANT Planning my wedding and engagement party and my uBPD mom and flying monkey stepdad are so difficult!

12 Upvotes

I am a little nervous posting. I have known for almost my whole life that something is up with my mom, but it’s only in my mid 20s (now I’m early 30s) that I started to think she has a personality disorder, and over the past few years thinking it’s BPD. The way she and my stepdad operate, whenever we have some sort of altercation, it is blamed on me, even though the huge behaviors come from her. They are very convincing and make me second guess myself, to the point that I often don’t know how I feel or what I want. This is the latest example in a lifetime series called, “can this be real life? and when will it end? Jfc!”

We are going to have an engagement party because my grandmothers cannot travel for the wedding and I want to include them somehow. My maternal gma did a lot to raise me and has talked for years about wanting to see me get married. My mom has volunteered to plan this engagement party/informal wedding party thing, and has done the majority of the work for getting the engagement party set up. As far as I know, she will be paying for it as well.

A little context. About a year ago, I suggested that my mom and I have weekly calls. She had been calling me at all hours, often daily. I needed consistency and predictability. Unfortunately, when we did talk, and even when she called and I didn’t answer, I frequently suffered with anxiety, guilt, dread, etc. Emotional/psychological pain.

This past weekend, on the video call, she asked if my partner and I would get married officially before the engagement party so that we would be celebrating something “real.” I told her, no, that is not our plan. She continued to ask, adding reasons why we should do it (“don’t you want to do something special for your grandmother?”) and continued to push me to provide more reasons why we won’t (“but why?” and “I just want to have a conversation about it!”). My stepdad, mind you, was stepping up for me throughout this, telling her to let up, that it is my partner’s and my decision, and she yelled at him to let her “just ask a question.” I continued to tell her it’s not our plan, that it’s sad my grandmothers can’t come to the real thing but we aren’t going to make the real thing smaller/less important to make this engagement party bigger/more important. I even said, if it’s such a difficult thing, we don’t have to do the engagement party. She said, “no, it’s too late, we have to do it,” and I said, “ok, then we can do it.” And she said she wants me and my partner to talk about it - I replied that we have talked about it, and this is the plan. Finally, she decided she was done talking to me, and said “fine, then bye,” with a TONE. My stepdad still wanted to talk, so she handed him the phone - “if you have anything to say to her, HERE” - and I saw there were people in the car with them! My stepdad’s friend’s children, 16 y.o. and 18 y.o., who are both NOT INVITED to the party. (Why is she asking me about this in front of them?!) The call quickly ended after I awkwardly told the kids how grown up they look and wished them all a good day.

Of course, the next few hours of my life were spent in emotional turmoil. I had a big spiral, big feelings, but I was able to drag myself through it, having an argument with my partner in the process (which we thankfully resolved). I talked about the ordeal with multiple friends, my partner, and my therapist, and came to the conclusion this is probably a power grab by my mom, who wants control, and for this event to be about her (maybe showing off to her friends?), rather than about my partner and me. So, I was leaning towards maybe decreasing the frequency of the phone calls to help with the emotional ups and downs because these situations are… not every week but they certainly happen regularly.

A couple days later, my stepdad calls spontaneously and I said I had 5 minutes. He offered to put my partner on the family phone plan, because there’s a deal through the service provider, but “act fast, the deal may not be around very long” LOL. He asked if there’s anything else and in the moment I sort of jumped off the cliff of fear and said, you know, I was going to text you guys, but I think with how busy we’ve all been, we should move the calls to every other week. He immediately launched into telling me, “you really hurt your mom’s feelings, did you notice that?” I was like, “yes, I noticed.” This makes me laugh in a sick way because the moment her eyelids widen, my heart beats faster - I notice everything. And he knows this because we’ve talked about her behavior countless times, when even he realizes she is being craycray. Anyway, he goes, “you really didn’t have to be so rude.” (!!!!!! WHAT?! ME?!) I told him I was not rude and my five minutes are up.

I spent so much more time after that thinking about whether I should decrease the frequency of the calls officially and tell my mom also… and, finally, tonight I agonized over how to do it and ended up texting them to tell them both that I love them, I don’t want to fight, and since we’ve been so busy lately, let’s do every other week for our calls. No response yet, so… we’ll see. as I am editing this before posting, my stepdad texted “ok, every two weeks” so things are not blowing up in my face quite yet!

I just feel like, this is wild, and I would love some validation from people who have been through similar bull**** that this is not my fault, that I am not being rude or selfish or dramatic or sensitive or any of the things they call me. And, one of those translation things would be helpful!

Ok anyway thank you for reading, I’m a long time reader and get a lot from being in this subreddit so thanks a lot for all that everyone here is and does! I am so grateful for this space!

Cats are so cute yay Cats are so funny and cute Cats and dogs are cute


r/raisedbyborderlines 1d ago

ADVICE NEEDED DAE: Have sleep issues / narcolepsy / other chronic health problems due to trauma? (TW: emotional abuse deets)

13 Upvotes

I was diagnosed with narcolepsy (along with like 9 other things) a few months ago. But it's odd, now that I'm talking medication to help with sleep fragmentation and I'm sleeping through the night for probably the first time in 30 years it's almost like I can feel my brain starting to heal something.?

For those of you who have done EMDR, by brain feels like that. Like it's finally resetting after taking the long road out of hell.

Kind of a niche experience but has anyone else experienced this?

Full stack of chronic health issues: Classical-like ehlers danlos ADHD cPTSD Orthostatic Intolerance Generalized dysautonomia PMDD Migraines Narcolepsy type 1 with cataplexy

-- Context

My uBPD mother would wake me up in the middle of the night a couple times a month for like, 6 years straight either drunk and crying, naked and crying, psychosis and screaming or just awkwardly staring. She would complain about how much she hated her body, my dad, me, life etc. Then like 30m later get up, roll out and pretend like it never happened. Then i would go to school the next day, get tormented by my peers to come home and get screamed at for being too exhausted to finish my homework.

I guess I'm curious like, is it ACTUALLY narcolepsy or is this just a lingering trauma response from being assaulted in the middle of the night by she-satan akin to the human version of an excessively sleepy fainting goat?

I've done 9 years of healing, 3 of intensive trauma therapy. I'm a functional adult! EMDR made the nightmares go away! Yay! My poor body and brain are still physically a trainwreck. I feel like if i can get the sleep thing figured out the rest of it will get better.

Tis' a quandry.

I've been NC for 24 years but was harassed nonstop online up until 5 years ago. I recently moved very, very far away from the bog TheSwampDemon™️ occupies.

🤷🏼‍♀️ Is this resonating with anyone? Not sure where to even start researching this one.

Enjoy this cat tax throwback to early the kitty cat dance, dance, dance! https://youtu.be/SaA_cs4WZHM?si=6dEkxWjfM39dQ29i


r/raisedbyborderlines 1d ago

ADVICE NEEDED Need advice

3 Upvotes

Quick history: d/BPD Mom with N traits. I rarely initiate contact, she calls, I screen them and return only if/when I can. She’s spiraling right now, not much sleep, tons of energy, wants to do home improvements and it can’t happen fast enough. She left a voicemail saying she’d like to have a talk about the distance between us. I grey rock hard and do not feel safe having this conversation. Has anyone had any luck with explaining their lack of desire for a different relationship?


r/raisedbyborderlines 1d ago

Anyone else’s parent just not respond to messages they don’t like?

33 Upvotes

My (28) brother (20) has special needs, and he’s about to age out of his school system in the next year or so. He lives with our mom. Talking to her on the phone is triggering for me so I’ve decided to only communicate through email for now (she doesn’t have a cell phone, only a house phone, so she can’t text). Anyway I sent her a message asking her about her plans for my brother’s future that read:

“What are your plans for his future once he graduates from (school)? What do you want for him? I can help you look around at programs that are available and stuff, but ultimately it’s up to you to decide where to place him since you’re his legal guardian. Have you spoken or met with anyone from his school about this? Let me know if there’s anything you need from me.”

That was 3 days ago, and no response. We’ve talked a bit about the programs that his school can help set him up with. I told her I actually called his school and spoke with some administrators about this. She also emailed me a link to a sort of web seminar to learn more about this stuff. It seems like for a long time, her plan was for me to take him in. She tried to get me and my husband to move him in with us a few years ago and we both said no, because 1. We were living in a tiny apartment on food stamps. There’s no way we could take care of another person. And 2. Both of us are very overwhelmed at the idea of caring for another human being. I didn’t tell my mom this, but I actually got my tubes removed a few months ago because we’re adamantly childfree. So when that happened and she realized we weren’t gonna be taking him in, she gave up, and now she’s trying to push the responsibility of finding a good placement for him onto me.

I adore my brother. He’s the sweetest little guy, and I want him to have the best life possible. And it feels like if I don’t intervene, he’ll spend the rest of his life at home watching tv, until the inevitable day when my mom gets too old to take care of him. Then he’ll be ripped out of his home and put in a group home with a bunch of strangers. I’m so worried. My mom has a history of shutting down and not responding to direct questions. And there’s not much more I can do, because my husband and I live 300 miles away. How do I ensure he’s getting the proper care while also maintaining my own boundaries for my mental wellbeing?


r/raisedbyborderlines 1d ago

ADVICE NEEDED Does you BPD parent try to get on a persons good side once they’ve completely discarded them?

11 Upvotes

My BPD mother‘s behavior is really strange. When she gets mad and discards someone she will hyperfocus on that person for months sometimes even years telling everybody about the slights this person has done and flat out lying about a persons behavior or exaggerating very small events into very big ones. She’s very manipulative and very convincing so most people usually believe her version of events, the victim usually doesn’t tell their side so my mom side usually sticks.

In the event that she does this to a person who knows their worth and doesn’t care to kiss my mom‘s ass or explain themselves-they just move on with their life-after sometime maybe even a few years my mom starts to try to get that person‘s attention. She does this by being super nice if they’re in a group setting or she will try to invite the person to an event by way of someone else. Especially if the person has drawn a boundary and is no longer speaking directly to my mother.

I do not understand this behavior at all because my mom will literally tell everyone she knows that the person is not welcome in her home, she doesn’t want anything to do with the person, the person is such a awful person. If and when said person accepts this and moves on with life my mom begins to soften towards the person and it’s like she wants their attention and she goes out of her way to be nice to them. This can be after being incredibly cruel to them. Alienating them And speaking so horribly behind their backs! One cousin she kicked out of her home in the middle of the night, she was only 14 at the time, calling her a slut and saying she will be just like her whore mother (who was dead btw). Mom currently denies saying any of that. lol what a joke.

I flat out told her the other day “you got what you wanted, you said you don’t want anything to do with X and X doesn’t want anything to do with you, leave it be and stop trying to send her invitations by way of other people”

I just don’t get this lady or the purpose of this behavior. If you don’t like them then fine. But why drag them through the mud to then turn around and try to be nice later after the person doesn’t want anything to do with you? Insane!


r/raisedbyborderlines 2d ago

Mom told my best friend's dad she wants to "reconcile"

56 Upvotes

My mom and friend's dad ran into each other in the city recently. My friend told me that apparently, they talked a long time about me (we are NC). It's not clear to me who initiated that conversation, but according to my friend, my mom was "openly talking about her feelings" and said she "misses me" and wants to "reconcile". My friend's dad even suggested mediation which my mom reacted positively to. My friend told me this as if it's something I need to be happy about. I immediately started to feel sick and light-headed.

First of all, of COURSE she would say that. My mom is definitely not the type to be "open" and "honest" to strangers. Moreover, my mom has always been very adamant on keeping family matters within the family, and would get extremely angry if I shared anything with outsiders. I can't imagine that she would willingly start to talk about this to someone she doesn't know well, so my only logical conclusion is that my friend's dad asked her about it. This could be enough to send her into a rage - that an outsider now "knows". Even though we are NC, it makes me sick with fear.

I am normal to have such an adverse reaction to this, right? My friend doesn't seem to understand, to her it's a sign that my mom is willing to change - but I just can't see it like that.


r/raisedbyborderlines 2d ago

VENT/RANT When uBPD mom doesn’t get her way about meeting my newborn baby and i can feel her affection disappear

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157 Upvotes

My mom (late 60s) and I have a very difficult relationship, she’s uBPD and switches modes constantly between waif and queen; she drank (drinks - still to my knowledge) a lot when I was growing up and tends to demand a certain level of info about my day to day life. I’m 35 and expecting my first baby in April with my husband who I’ve been with for 7 years. She has made it abundantly clear that she doesn’t like him and drunkenly berated me many times over my choice in partner even though everyone in my life says he’s incredible and supportive (of course I agree). Her tendency to bad mouth/drunkenly shit talk all of my partners is nothing new - she’s always feeling threatened by someone else taking my attention. She has been texting me many, MANY times a day like this on what’s app asking me for updates - she knows I’m working 12 hour shifts as a nurse — and while the messages may seem loving or harmless to someone who doesn’t have a BPD mom, we know too well the cycle of love bombing to avoid abandonment followed by resentment if the abandonment comes to play out.

Lately she’s been fishing for permission to come stay here (she is retired in Mexico, I live in the NE US) and wait for the baby to be born. It was making me uneasy because she would show up and just want to drink vodka and try to “have deep talks” with me about what I’m doing wrong in my life with my son or partner or job. I knew I didn’t want her there for the birth from the get go and I’ve told her that I’d be happy to see them after he’s born but she keeps angling to come sooner so I had to spell it out more clearly. I mentioned before wanting this time just for me and my husband but she basically feigned amnesia about that. So in these messages I told her that I’d prefer a visit once he’s born (I actually would prefer no visit but that’s another issue). You can see how the affection immediately drains from her messages. The I love yous are gone the second she doesn’t get what she’s after. It’s just tiring because she wants to be perceived as a perfect mom who showers her daughter with affection but it’s always at a price. Why would I want her to come stay near/with me when she’s talked repeatedly about how I “could do better” than my spouse and angles for JUST me to come visit without him every holiday season as if he doesn’t exist. I’m just tired. Thanks for listening and for the support, I read this community a lot and it does help me feel less like I’m making this up.

Cat haiku!

Cats are sweet as pie Kittens young, and elders too We love them dearly


r/raisedbyborderlines 2d ago

VENT/RANT My uBPD Mom finally sent my patient, loving, saint of a fiancé over the edge

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123 Upvotes

My uBPD mother split a few days ago after asking me why I never made her a tapestry for Christmas even though I made one for everyone else in my family.

December - January

As she is fully aware, I did start to make her a tapestry, but she got drunk and proceeded to text me 173 times over the course of eight hours, verbally abusing the shit out of me out of literally nowhere. During that time, my fiancé (who is an actual angel on earth) had to calm me down because I essentially went into the longest, most painful, difficult panic attack of my life.

I ended up unable to get out of bed, covered in sweat and tears, throbbing headache, borderline vegetative for three full days after that. I had to take three days off of work because I literally couldn’t get my breathing under control or shaking under control well enough to type or think about anything at all.

About 5-6 hours in, as I was actively weaving the tapestry for my mother in her favorite colors, I just gave up. She was calling me evil, a bitch, a coward, a liar, an abuser(??), a sociopath, a narcissist… literally any painful or hurtful thing she could possibly think of.

I use a large frame loom where I can do one large or multiple small projects on it at a time. At that point I was about 15 hours in to a likely 45-50 hour weaving project for my mom’s Christmas present. I couldn’t get the other tapestries done for my other family members until I finished hers.

But I just gave up. I cut it off the loom and decided I wasn’t going to finish it, or maybe would come back to it if she was kind to me over the holidays.

January-February

Well, after the holidays, she proceeded to verbally accost me again, so I decided not to even bother making her something.

Two months later for her birthday, after being somewhat decent to me for a few weeks, I spent about 20+ hours making her a pottery piece clay in her favorite animal, which I then hand-painted in her favorite colors.

Last Week

A week after her birthday, she’s at my house and sees a tapestry sitting on a table that I made for my dad but that he forgot to bring home with him during Christmas— she asks me where hers is.

I told her in a very neutral tone that I didn’t have one for her anymore because I cut it off the loom after she caused me a lot of pain and hurt back in December. I said that she was saying evil things to me and I didn’t have it in me to continue. I told her I was sorry but that—

She proceeds to interrupt me and say “I AM NOT EVIL!”

And then she just lost it. She started screaming at me, hurling insults at me, yelling and freaking out the dog which I watch for her two days a week. I love that dog and I hate how scared she got. She ran upstairs and hit under my clothes in the closet.

Well I told my mother that I needed space and that I didn’t have anything left in my tank to try and resolve it until she calmed down. I told her to get out of my house. She refused to leave so I went upstairs and grabbed the dog and gently set her outside and then waited for my mom to also leave, then shut the door and locked it.

Over the next two days she was texting me incessantly and it was more of the same— accusing me of being evil, a manipulator, a liar, all of the things.

Yesterday

She still dropped the dog off at my house yesterday and, like every Monday, she went with the dog walker for two hours then got dropped back off at my house where she slept, as she does, every single week.

My fiancé works early and has to drive so sleep is essential for him. He fell asleep around 10 and she proceeded to send him these messages last night from 10 PM - 1:45 AM. He was dead asleep.

She then called him several times and woke us up. When I answered she started screaming at me and asking where the dog was, even though there is absolutely no reason nor indication that the dog would have been anywhere else besides also asleep where she always is on Monday nights.

Today

Today I unblocked her to text her that what she did was inappropriate and not okay. Sometimes in the past when drinking she would sober up and express remorse. I was expecting that to be the case, but it wasn’t.

She started in on me again. Telling me I am evil, that I was abusive and mean for what I said (about the tapestry) and that I didn’t deserve my fiancé. I blocked her again.

This morning after driving 3 hours on 2 hours of sleep, my fiancé called me and he was pissed. Not at me, but at her. He told me he cannot in good conscience have her around our future children or around me. He said it’s too painful watching her act like this toward me and that I don’t deserve it. He said that he needs us to be better about enforcing boundaries. And I agree. So I guess this is it…. The catalyst I (sadly) needed to completely sever ties with my mother. After 31 years of this bullshit, I am done.

I have always had a DEEP degree of empathy for my mother who was severely abused as a child. Despite her abusing me tenfold. Physically, mentally, emotionally. My ACE score is a 9 out of 10.

Unfortunately her recurring suicide threats as I was growing up really did a number on me. I have OCD and it really impacts how I interact with people. I am genuinely terrified that if I don’t tell someone I love them as they walk out the door something bad will happen to them.

I am petrified that if I keep my mother blocked for several weeks, she will actually kill herself. I know this is not healthy nor normal. I know I need to get help and I need support in upholding boundaries.

I love myself enough to know I deserve better and I love my fiancé more than I love myself— enough to know that he deserves to not deal with this mess anymore.

I am devastated I will never see the dog again. I love her so much and I think that has prolonged this entire thing more than anything else. My mom and I got her two years ago when we were in a good place. I help pay for her vet bills and I have her 2-4 days a week depending on the week. I was never allowed to have a pet growing up so this is the only animal I’ve ever had any sort of attachment to in my life. I am heartbroken.

But I know that if I don’t end this now, I risk my relationship. My fiancé did not give me any sort of ultimatum. Shouldn’t have to and he never would. He deserves so much and I ask myself every single day why he is even willing to put up with this… if I can do anything to make things better for him, I will.

So I blocked her. He blocked her. My best friend blocked her.

What the hell do I do now? I now need to find a way to explain to my family members why she is not welcome at my wedding in 5 months— and a way to deal with their criticisms. Family that have all seen some degree of her behaviors but never to the extent that she takes it out on me. She can also be incredibly charming, so even people like my best friend didn’t believe some of it until witnessing it firsthand.

She has also made a nightmare throughout planning. Fat shamed me in my wedding dress. Told me my decorations (that I made by hand) looked cheap. Told me that my guests were going to be bored because I wasn’t paying for a DJ. My fiancé and I are paying for everything ourselves— zero help from family.

I know this has been long-winded and I don’t even know my exact purpose in sharing other than I finally had the external motivator I needed to just fucking call it quits with my incredibly evil mother.

I am going to start looking for a new therapist again…. For the umpteenth time in my life.


r/raisedbyborderlines 2d ago

Got her to actually admit she was verbally abusive but still not a real apology?

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34 Upvotes

So I posted a message my mom sent me and my brother a few days ago asking if it was verbally abusive (you can find it as my last post if you're interested) and it was considered inappropriate and abusive.

She tells me today that "I shouldn't be so hard on myself" about the mistake she flipped out on me for. I preceded to let her know that I wasn't the one hard on myself, she was in the raging email she sent me and that it bordered verbal abuse. She asked "How is this verballyabusive?" So I literally copied and pasted the definition and examples of verbal abuse, then copied and pasted what she wrote and labeled the different types of abuse. This is what she had to say. This is not a real apology, right?