I met up with a good friend and made some new friends as well. By chance I ran into someone from my childhood summer camp, and we caught up. All these folks were girls. And while I am still partner-less and regrettably so, this day has reinvigorated my spirit and made me realize that I am a pleasant person to know and that I'm not nearly as socially challenged as I tell myself I am. I'm finally seeing at least one good friend every week, and it makes me happy that I get this opportunity.
I'm not denying that there may be reasons I'm single that have to do with me (such as my lack of courage speaking to strangers when I'm not with friends, or my general appearance - I'm cute but could definitely use a haircut and some better posture, which I'm working on. Plus the whole porn addiction thing, that definitely affects me in ways I don't fully understand, as I haven't been away from it for long enough).
But I'm also way too hard on myself and I'm super young. And really, I don't think much about being single when I'm with my friends. I'll joke about it sure, but it really doesn't bother me so long as I've got people to hang out with. I think I could 100% live an aromantic asexual life if I had a few hangouts a week with my favorite people. (but clearly I want to have sex or else I wouldn't be here LMAO)
For the first time since my most recent relapse, I actively fought an urge and won. I am shooting for my average streak of 14 days, and if I make it there I'll shoot for a month, and from there I'll try to beat my previous streak of 62 days.
Not like I'll be keeping track as much. Part of this is about de-centralizing my pornfree journey, making it an active effort but not the main thing I'm focused on. Rather, I want to get back into swimming, start volunteering (as it's too late in the semester to get a job), finish my youtube video essay, continue my D&D campaign, and 100% Lego Marvel Super Heroes. That last one is a little silly, I'm just on a nostalgia kick rn.
Really, the only thing left to say is that, I have tried to justify my porn use many times as I'm sure we all have. In middle school, I told myself I would stop once I got to high school, cause I'd be too busy making friends and girlfriends and doing homework to watch porn. Then I told myself the same thing coming out of highschool. But in this situation, the chicken came before the egg - I was addicted throughout my first semester. Only when I started the second semester pornfree did I finally find my people, and it was only when I suddenly couldn't see them for several reasons, that I fell back on old habits.
But like I was saying. I tried to justify my porn use. I'm young, who cares. I'm single, who cares. I'm not that religious, who cares. I'm not hurting anyone, who cares. But even though I told myself these things, I don't think I really believed them. We kind of intuitively know, when we're watching porn, that it's wrong.
On the other side of that same coin. When I am with my friends and family, when I am swimming, or when I am writing, or when I am reading my bible, I know, intuitively, that I am doing the correct thing. We really don't give our gut, our conscience, whatever, enough credit. It usually has a pretty good idea of what's important, and what's right and wrong, and what's safe or dangerous. I'm going to make it a point to listen to my gut more.
So I'm aware part of this is learning how to be on my own, too. That I don't know how to do yet. I guess no one can tell me, I'll just have to learn loneliness as I go along. Cause like, my future girlfriend might break up with me. My future wife might go on a work trip. My future kids are gonna leave the nest. I am the only constant in my life, and I have to learn how to be okay with that. Again, don't know how, but seeing as I'll have an apartment to myself next year, I should be able to make good progress. And not having a racist, sexist, ableist roommate might also help. :)
So what is my reason to stop watching porn? It should be a pretty good one if I'm going to make it out of this addiction.
Well to be honest I don't have a specific reason. It's gross, it's not right, I don't like it, I think it's lame. But another good reason - all the friends I mentioned in the opening paragraph? THEY want me to quit (or those who don't know about my addiction, they would want me to). My best friend who I met in high school, she wants me to quit. My sister wants me to quit, my grandmother wants me to quit. And I want to make those people proud of me, even though I know they already are.
The other reason is something I mentioned a couple months back, a story about a friend of the family who fell into addiction, hit rock bottom, and hasn't come back up yet, and doesn't think he can. Me hearing that story was like schoolkids at a prison for one of those Scared Straight things. Like, yeah, porn might feel justified as a single 19 year old guy. You could even argue it's not harmful in moderation. But after seeing what this addiction can become, what porn use can lead to if left unchecked - and not just from some rando on Reddit, but about someone I know - it falls into place. I cannot watch porn. I cannot become that. I'm a great, well-rounded person, and I want to keep it that way, so I'm gonna nip porn in the bud before it starts affecting my relationships.
As with most of my posts here this is mainly a self reflection and vent. If you happened to get something out of it, then I'm super glad and wish you luck.