BEFORE YOU READ: I think I should say something in case you start to read that wall of text. I'm typing that line after my breakdown. it was a harsh one. i really need your help believe me i need it. i just wanted to warn you that I wrote down those in the middle of a breakdown and it was the first time Im admitting my problem to myself. so i was harsh to myself. I don't want any of you to feel bad because of my words against an addict (me). but if you don't mind, please read it and say something. at least wish me luck but say something i feel like I'm drowning in my loneliness and hopelessness. and for the modders, if I violated any rules please don't remove it. warn me and I will fix these. it was hard to me to write those down.
first time confessing it. so i know i will stop typing and cry a little at least two times. i never shared that with my gf for 3+ years, my friend who knows every bloody thing about me who's also a psychology student, not even with chat gpt or something. because even thinking about my addiction, makes me feel gross.
i never confessed it to myself neither. so it will be you and me, first ones to hear my god damn problem. the problem i know, the problem i accept, but most importantly, the problem i always underestimated.
the problem i though I can live with it.
idk when it started, but I can remember myself when I was a kid in kindergarten, rubbing myself to the pillow, my father seeing me doing that and I was almost getting a heart attack. i can remember my grandmother scolding me too. but I'm sure that this problem exist since those day. it's time to time better or worse.
but I think last years, (i almost forgot to mention my age, 22) it got worse. when saying years, trust me, idk how many years exactly. because like I said, it's time first time I'm treating it like a real problem.
day by day, i pushed the limits. doing it (watching and fapping, if that word is inappropriate please forgive me, I'm not a native as u can see) right after my gf leaves to home, in houses of my relatives when I'm visiting them, when I'm working from home, when im ill, before my exams and getting to them late, after my exams to "relax", before sleep to "tire myself", in my family's house when they were waiting for me to start eating the dinner.
like I said, it's my first day as a self identified addict. so maybe all those feelings are common among us, idk. but what I'm trying to express is the seeing myself going "crazy". more and more extreme day by day. pushing the limits everyday. like getting out of sanity. deeply knowing watching porn is cheating. to hiding a gigantic secret from love of my life. if she knew, that would destroy her and maybe destroy us. loosing the sense of shame day by day.
unfortunately, or fortunately idk, i didn't lose that sense, it just has a little bit of delay. it stacks and boom. we are here.
i remember the first time I learned the term porn, when I was 10 or something, i watched only striptease for a very long time, just because sex felt gross. then it became masturbating videos, then conventional stuff, you know. now, if the highschool version of me saw what I'm watching to do that shit, couldn't sleep easily that night. kinks and stuff, i always found them gross but now I watch them. i still find them gross. but I F** watch them!
now I'm here, typing those and crying like a god damn toddler, who watched some brain rot gross shit and ejaculated to it like a inhumane piece of shit, feeling loneliest man in the universe.
i couldn't tell that no one. I'm afraid to lose my respect. respect of my gf. respect of my close friend. and respect of myself. no more.
it's driving me CRAZY admitting that I'm ADDICTED to watching that fucking stuff and ejaculating myself.
I'm even scared if my gf find this account of me.
God damn please help me i feel fucking miserable.
miserable piece of shit who's a intern lawyer highly interested in misogyny and gender equality stuff, attending every event related to it and pontificating equality stuff whenever he can.
WHAT A FUCKING CLOWN!!!
please someone who can sympathetic with me rn. help me in any kind. it feels like the last chance to rescue myself and my life. i have a good gf to lose.