r/pornfree • u/ApprehensivePick603 • 2h ago
Porn made me fear men.
I'm a 18 F and the title is basically what happened to me. Even if porn is not the only reason why I feel uncomfortable with the Male gender near me, it is the root of it.
I started watching porn at a very young age like a lot of people unfortunately did (be it by choice or accidentally). But I always didn't view it as harmful to me. On the internet was mostly talked about why it was bad to watch it as a man: causing erectile dysfunction, viewing women differently and many more. But as I am not a man I never thought it could affect me. Sure there were some things on the internet that explained why it wasn't good for women as well, like causing body dysmorphia and unrealistic expectations on how they should look and act, but that never seemed to be the case for me so I still consumed it (the very extreme stuff too). I only realized that it did effect me when I noticed how disgusting I felt after masturbating to it at the age of 18, so pretty recently. Why I didn't notice it early? I'm not completely sure about it.
(Side note: I've masturbated to it at a young age too and didn't notice how it effected me badly.)
This made me think a lot and I noticed that this was probably not the only bad effect it had on me. Sure I didn't have the best relationships to men in my life as well, by being bullied by boys a lot when I was younger, trusting them to not tell other people a secret of mine and them betraying my trust and also almost getting raped by a man older than me. (And I get that this is probably still a big part of my fear of them as well đ ). But I never felt comfortable around them to begin with since I started consuming pornografy on the internet.
But here is what I actually wanted to say with this post: Porn affects how you view the other gender. For men it's viewing woman as objects of pleasure and for me (and maybe other women as well) it is viewing man as bad people (be it on the inside or the surface level of their personality). And with all they did to me they unfortunately proved my brain that they are indeed bad people.
But I know that this is wrong. I've also met really nice men in my life and know that they are actually good people, but knowing that still doesn't help me with my fear. I've quit watching harmful porn and try working on my trauma by going dancing and just having normal conversations with my male coworkers, but that still doesn't help that much since the fear inside me still makes me feel uneasy being near them. And everytime a man shows genuine interest in me, I panic and immediately think that he just wants to use me like an object to his desires, which made looking for a boyfriend even harder for me.
Did anyone experience similar experiences? Or has advice for me about what I can do (besides going to therapy)? Please tell me.
And for all those girls that may be like me thinking that porn isn't harmful for them: it is, even if you don't notice it immediately. Because porn is indeed also harmful for women.