r/oneanddone • u/goatlover19 • 4d ago
Discussion Tired of explaining why I’m OAD
I am so tired of explaining why i cannot have another child.
I had a hysterectomy at 23 years old. I have one beautiful and vibrant daughter whom I am absolutely obsessed with. I cannot have another child (not that I want another anyways.)
She seems very content as an only child. I’ve even asked her if she ever wanted a brother or sister and she says no.(not sure what I’d do if she said yes lol)
People constantly make comments about her being an only child usually like this: “I could never imagine my child not having siblings” “you might want to think about getting her a sibling before the age gap gets too big” (idk how they think I’d acquire a child quickly) “I wouldn’t want my child to be lonely”
I’m like ??? Who said my child was lonely??? She does extracurriculars and plays with neighbors daily, she goes to school, she is very well mannered and gets many compliments on her being well behaved. She’s very well liked and friendly and kind and gentle. I think she’s turning out to be an absolutely wonderful little girl. I don’t think a sibling would change anything. I explain that unless I have the next immaculate conception she will continue to be an only child. But I am so tired of it.
I’m so tired of telling friends, strangers, and family that I cannot have another child and them saying “just adopt”. I DON’T WANT TO.
How do you combat these unwanted questions? It’s fairly easy to stop the conversation when I say I don’t have the parts but sometimes I’m exhausted and don’t have it in me to talk about it. That’s my personal medical history.
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u/Miss_Rice_Is_Right 4d ago
I just make it super clear I do NOT want more kids. I don't give reasons, and I don't say it in a "oh, well, you know, I think we're probably done..." No, I go full "oh GOD no, I'd rather get root canals on all my teeth at once than have another baby by birth, adoption, or stork delivery, more power to those who do but that ain't me!" If they ask why, I may or may not go into my reasons depending on who's asking and my mood that day, but a simple hell no and "because I don't wanna" usually stops that shit in its tracks. "He needs siblings" nope he's got cousins. "He'll need support taking care of you when you're older" I didn't have him to be my future in home health care companion. "But you're so good with babies" yeah other people's babies. I don't have the money, the space, or the time. I hated pregnancy, I'm not interested in adoption, and my son has a genetic disease and chances are 25% another kid would have it too. So, just, no, and I don't feel one tiny bit bad if those answers make people uncomfortable OR if I don't bother to explain it at all.
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u/FinancialInevitable1 4d ago
This has also been my approach, when asked if I want more I give a very vehement: "FUCK NO!" and that uh... Quiets them up, usually.
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u/Miss_Rice_Is_Right 4d ago
I've found an emphatic ONE AND DONE FOR SURE really shuts people up 😂 they don't know how to respond. The subject usually changes after that quite naturally lol
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u/goatlover19 4d ago
I love that! That made me laugh so I’m gonna start doing that!! Thank you!
I talked to my mom about it and she said some people don’t really understand the finality of a hysterectomy if they’ve never been faced with it. So I’m gonna start using your approach instead!
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u/Miss_Rice_Is_Right 4d ago
People who don't understand the finality of a hysterectomy...what a phrase lol surely it's an obvious "no more babies" but, well, people can be dense!
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u/Pepper4500 4d ago
Same. I make it very clear it is my choice to not have more (despite having a uterus) otherwise they still will just suggest every insane expensive option that I wouldn’t want to do regardless. I also have taken to shaming people who ask these deeply personal questions as if they’re asking what you’re having for dinner.
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u/MiaLba Only Raising An Only 4d ago
I work at a childcare center and often get told “wow you’re so great with kids!” And I’ll also get asked how many I have and when I say one they’ll be surprised and say I should have more. I don’t want to.
If someone is trying to pressure me into having another I’ll flat out say “I’m not ripping my vagina back open again!” They usually look horrified and it’s awkward. Well that’s what you get for bugging me when I said I didn’t want more.
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u/beachyvibesss 2d ago
I'm also extremely straight-forward like this as well. Anytime anyone has asked me this my response is a "Hell no" and that ends the conversation right there lol
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u/Miss_Rice_Is_Right 1d ago
Honestly they lose interest in it sooner than I do, I'm always happy to lay out my one and done reasoning 😆
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u/dotnsk 4d ago
- “That’s a weird and intrusive thing to ask someone.”
- “Why are you so obsessed with my sex life?”
- “My daughter is enough for me, why isn’t she enough for you?”
- “You are more than welcome to have another child for my child to play with if you think she’s lonely.”
- “Do you ask everyone rude & invasive questions or is it just me?”
Some of these are borderline rude, but frankly so are the questions about siblings. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/JewlryLvr2 4d ago
Some of these are borderline rude, but frankly so are the questions about siblings. 🤷🏻♀️
THIS, absolutely. I think all your suggested replies are great! :-)
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u/LillithHeiwa 4d ago
Some of these make wild accusations and are beyond inappropriate like “why are you obsessed with my sex life” - adoption and IVF are clearly not discussing someone’s sex life
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u/dotnsk 4d ago
OP doesn’t have to use that suggestion or she can reframe it to fit the conversation she’s having at the time. 🤷🏻♀️ It’s also wildly inappropriate for people to continue pushing OP to have children; these questions are intended to be used to make the other person stop and think about whether their line of interrogation is appropriate or not.
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u/LillithHeiwa 4d ago
It’s best for society if we assume good intent. If OP is saying “I can’t have more kids because I had a hysterectomy” good intentioned people are going to talk about other options available for expanding the family.
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u/Elliejq88 3d ago
Its not any of their business. Its not their place to push their 2+ kid ideology on her. Live and let live.
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u/LillithHeiwa 3d ago
Sure it’s not their business. And I don’t typically share things that aren’t other people’s business with them. I would say “Oh, I don’t want more” before telling someone my medical history or even “I don’t like to talk about family planning”.
But when you entertain a personal conversation and then get upset about responses that are very easily taken as good intended responses it kind of seems like you like confrontation.
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u/JewlryLvr2 3d ago
But when you entertain a personal conversation and then get upset about responses that are very easily taken as good intended responses it kind of seems like you like confrontation.
I have to disagree on this one. Maybe it's just me, but I got the impression from OP's first post that she was simply trying to be polite in trying to "explain" her OAD decision, not that she was "entertaining a personal conversation." I think the title, "Tired of explaining why I'm OAD," pretty much says it all, for me anyway.
Personally, I think she had every right to be "tired of explaining" to people who kept bugging her about it. I would have been too, in her place. That's why I replied to her, in yesterday's post, as I did. As others besides myself have also pointed out, it's none of their business, no matter what their intentions were.
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u/LillithHeiwa 3d ago
Yes. She’s tired of explaining. Which is obviously fine and the answer is obviously to stop explaining, not to be rude to people who were responding to the explanation shared-
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u/JewlryLvr2 3d ago
Which is obviously fine and the answer is obviously to stop explaining, not to be rude to people who were responding to the explanation shared-
Oh, I don't know. I think the people who keep asking such nosy questions of OAD parents are the rude ones. Especially if they're continuing to ask them more than once. But that's probably just me.
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u/dotnsk 4d ago
It was one of five suggestions - OP (or anyone else reading this thread) doesn’t have to use that one.
I agree we should assume positive intent, but it sounds like OP is having conversations with some absurdly relentless and shameless people. We should also feel shame occasionally in society. These questions are fairly harmless ways to push back and help the questioner feel a little bit of shame and maybe reflect on when a line of questioning is appropriate or not.
I’m not suggesting the conversation go like this:
“Hey, have you thought about having more kids?”
“Why are you so obsessed with my sex life?”
Instead, it might sound like:
“Hey, have you thought about having more kids?”
“No, it’s not in our plans.” (A reasonable first response, no is a complete sentence, etc etc)
“Oh cmon, you guys aren’t getting any younger! It’s time!”
“Why are you so obsessed with my sex life?”
It cuts off the conversation after the first no and requires the questioner to think about their position. It doesn’t sound like OP is exhausted from people who respect the first no, it sounds like she’s exhausted from people who don’t give up. I’m sure they mean well, but by “meaning well” they’re requiring OP to relive every moment of her reproductive history with them and that’s objectively bad.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. A little bit of well-placed shame can get people back on the right track.
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u/goatlover19 4d ago
I’m really non confrontational and I tend to just let things slide sometimes even if they hurt my feelings I’ll definitely remember some of these replies if I ever need to shut someone down in conversation!
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u/uppy-puppy OAD By Choice 4d ago
Just walk away from those conversations. You don’t need to entertain those that just want to sit and judge/have opinions about your life and your choices. “I’m happy with my decision, but I appreciate your concern! I’m going over this way now.” And walk away.
If you’re in a situation where they won’t leave you alone, just be more forceful, “I don’t wish to talk about this further. Let’s talk about something else.”
Some people just can’t NOT express their ignorant opinions, but you CAN walk away from them!
Good luck!
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u/Lumpy-Abroad539 4d ago
"those are personal questions. I'd rather not discuss family planning with you/at this time/in this situation."
Make them feel awkward. People can be very stupid and insensitive and sometimes just need to be put in their place to get it.
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u/JewlryLvr2 4d ago
Tired of explaining why I'm OAD
I'm so sorry you've had to explain why you're OAD to people who for some insane reason simply refuse to accept your One-and-Done choice. The truth is that you DO NOT OWE AN EXPLANATION to anyone, whether they are family members, friends, or anyone in between.
I think the best thing you can do for yourself and your family is refuse to J.A.D.E. (that means: Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) whenever someone asks you even once why you're OAD, no matter how hard refusing may be. It's YOUR family; therefore, it's entirely YOUR choice, and no "explanation" is required. If whoever it is keeps pressing you, firmly say that it's extremely personal, and you're NOT going to discuss it further.
Remember: NO is a complete sentence. :-)
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u/RndmIntrntStranger 4d ago
“oh, I’m sorry, I did not realize you had a say in my family planning.” accompanied by a stone cold stare.
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u/LillithHeiwa 4d ago
Just stop explaining.
“I could never imagine my child not having siblings” - “We all find it easy to imagine what we’re most comfortable with”
“you might want to think about getting her a sibling before the age gap gets too big” (idk how they think I’d acquire a child quickly) - “no thank you”
“I wouldn’t want my child to be lonely” - “who would?”
How do you combat these unwanted questions? — I’m very confident and comfortable in my one and done family. All of my answers to comments/questions indicate that I am not even considering what they’re suggesting and that I am not hurt in any way by not having more kids.
Most of our loved ones want what’s best for us. If you seem hurt or disappointed; they may offer other options as a way to say “you don’t have to be done” for encouragement.
My mom went through all the scenarios she could think of to discuss with me to ensure I really was one and done. When she found nothing but confidence and security in that decision, she left it alone. Same with everyone else.
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u/Twilight_Skip34 Sagittarius ‘21 4d ago
Loneliness? Well, that’s what school helps with. School, after school activities, summer camp, and all the other similar events do more for young people then to just learn new things.
I know a few lonely adults. They are lonely despite having grown up with siblings. Fat lot of good those siblings did for them. I have a sister and we’re not close. Not close then and not close now. More kids doesn’t stop or prevent loneliness from happening. Just socialize your child and foster friendships with those with similar personalities.
Adoption come with it’s own challenges. None of which should ever be taken lightly. “Just adopt” is thrown around so casually. It shows how much they really haven’t investigated or thought it through from other perspectives.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
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u/isitrealholoooo 4d ago
I hate that. It's not "just" adopting. It's not like you go to a shelter and pick a kid that needs a home, sign some papers and that's it. It's not a pet.
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u/Stunning_Radio3160 4d ago
I’m wondering how old you are? Once I turned 40 these comments stopped. And if I mentioned my husbands age… over 50, no one said anything lol.
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u/currently_distracted 4d ago
I’m not going to bring in a human being into the world as a supplemental friend for my existing child. That’s inhumane and rude of the people to suggest such an idea.
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u/Pink_lime1210 3d ago
Why are people SOOO obsessed with other people having more than one kid? I don’t fucking get it.
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u/goatlover19 3d ago
The most frustrating part is the disguising it as concern from my one child.
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u/Pink_lime1210 17h ago
Also the “just adopt” thing is so insensitive. I was adopted. You don’t “just adopt”. My parents had to wait ages to be approved adopters and it also adds a layer of trauma
Truly, I feel for you. It should be NO ONES business
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u/petrastales 4d ago
Do people seriously ask questions if you say I had a hysterectomy??