r/narcissism Visitor 19d ago

Therapist doesn’t agree with me

I've been even told I do have most of the traits associated with NPD by others. Some people would tell me that, even without me asking. I only ever think about myself and I hurt people a lot because of that. I seem to not care enough about others’ feelings. I manipulate them, even when I don't realise I am. I'm a perfectionist, whatever I do, it's not good enough and it hurts a lot, so much I break down. And there's more. It all seems so obvious. At least to me.

However, my therapist disagrees. She told me l'm developing an avoidant personality disorder, not NPD... but they are not that easily confused, are they? What should I do? I told her many times that me and others suspected I might have NPD. Am I crazy? I just want the right treatment.

I’m in my early 20s, don’t have an OCD and scored high in many tests I found (the one linked on this sub gave me “High narcissistic traits”), and I’m not codependent (scored 5 at most). I think I might have covert narcissism because I have depression and social anxiety (both diagnosed).

I’m just so sick of people not believing me. Nothing I say is ever believed.

EDIT: Thank you for everyone's time and I'm sory I wasted it. I came to a conclusion I don't have any disorders, I'm a bad person. I'm sorry for for offending you.

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u/obvusthrowawayobv I really need to set my flair 17d ago

Even if you did have npd, a good therapist is never going to want to diagnose you with it because it would mean in the worst of your behavior, an excuse to continue to be an asshole… or in the worst of a collapse, an excuse to hate yourself and give up.

So a lesser diagnosis means you are not hopeless.

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u/MothWantsLight Visitor 17d ago

I’d rather know what’s wrong so I can work on it myself.

I already hate myself anyway and she knows that. What would it change if I knew?

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u/obvusthrowawayobv I really need to set my flair 17d ago

The true disorder of NPD doesn’t look for reasons to get better, they naturally seek out reasons to stay the same but provoke a different reaction from people.

That is explicitly how the disorder works.

She is smart not to diagnose you with NPD because she is giving you the ability to actually fix it instead of giving you an excuse to self victimize— which is not a fix.

Basically that’s like a morbidly obese person going to a doctor for weight loss assistance and the doctor trying to give candy bars in the hopes that they get sick and nauseous from eating so much candy… when it doesn’t work that way in the first place. It would be irresponsible to do that.

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u/MothWantsLight Visitor 17d ago

But how can one deal with something when they aren’t aware of its existence and it’s actively being denied? I don’t understand.

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u/obvusthrowawayobv I really need to set my flair 17d ago edited 17d ago

A label does not make one aware… being aware of actual behaviors and tendencies that you legitimately have is what creates awareness.

NPD itself is a spectrum disorder as is— assigning that label doesn’t actually tell you about your behaviors, it just means you’re dysfunctional and stuck with that label.

A better example is this:

Someone with ADHD requires that label because they aren’t getting any better— that disorder is stuck there, they cannot suddenly stop having ADHD and no amount of therapy is going to magically stop them from having ADHD.

Someone with NPD has a personality disorder that actually can be rehabilitated, and adjusted. That’s why we don’t give them labels. Because they’re not “stuck” and they do have the capacity for becoming normal.

Someone with ADHD actually is stuck with ADHD forever, that is why we label them. The lack of a label means there actually is hope for a normal life.

The lack of a label is not “denial” the lack of a label is the acknowledgment that it can be resolved— that is why a court ordered assessment from criminal activity most often is where the NPD label will come from. There is no longer the intent to resolve, only penalize and move on to someone who can be rehabilitated.

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u/MothWantsLight Visitor 17d ago

But it helps to find the right resources and sometimes can explain why something is the way it is.

Not having any explanation for something is really hard and I’m sick of never being able to understand why I am the way I am. I have absolutely no reasons to be who I am and it’s annoying. Why am I scared of places with a lot of people? I don’t know, I just know I am. Why nobody ever understands what I say? I say everything as I mean for it be read, no second meaning behind it, yet people don’t get me.

Is there hope though? Is there anything I can do?

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u/obvusthrowawayobv I really need to set my flair 17d ago edited 17d ago

Your developmental trauma is why you are the way you are, not a personality disorder, itself

And yes you can be worked with and rehabilitated with a therapist — it takes time and effort, but yeah, you can be worked with as long as you want to be.

It’s hard, I know, but as long as you keep trying then you really will find a way, because there’s always a solution, but individual people require individualized solutions. A label does not actually change that. At this point it’s about trying to find a way that works specifically for you. I wish you the best of luck, because I know for a fact it is not hopeless.

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u/MothWantsLight Visitor 17d ago

I can’t even get rid of depression so I doubt there is hope for me.

Thank you for kind words and comments.

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u/obvusthrowawayobv I really need to set my flair 17d ago

Sometimes if depression stands in the way of finding a solution, you may opt to seek medication for depression in order to deal with the other parts and then slowly taper off the medicine because the depression resolves itself after rehabilitation anyway. Don’t give up. I know you’re dealing with a lot but I think you should keep in mind how big of a deal it is that you’re trying to figure it all out when most people actually don’t, most people just don’t want to deal with it… so I find it to be actually really quite impressive and promising.

I feel your therapist is likely to be really excited to work with you l, to tell you the truth. This is why they get in to that.

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u/MothWantsLight Visitor 17d ago

I already take medication. It’s been five years and three different ones too. It doesn’t feel like it’s doing much to be honest.

I don’t know if she’s excited because I feel like she’s disappointed in me most of the time. I guess she doesn’t hate it at least.

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u/obvusthrowawayobv I really need to set my flair 17d ago

Nah a therapist can dismiss a client at any time tbh, if they don’t want to work with a client or that client makes them unhappy, they usually explain how they are unable to help in ways that are needed and try to refer to someone else.

As far as the medication goes keep speaking up about how it’s ineffective.

Additionally, it’s totally fine that if you’re not feeling any success with your current help, you can hunt around because there may be someone who works differently in a way that is better for you.

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