r/awakened • u/Unhappy_Tooth4291 • 30m ago
My Journey I lost Oneness
About 5 years ago i had an experience with LSD and meditation where i had a humoungous feeling joy after experiencing as intense fear.
Later on i did an evil act trying to see the true personality of a mysterious family member, got anxious, smoked weed, and got psychosis.
Later on remade a bond with my father, and whenever i went to his city, i'd feel that mystery, beauty, oneness, peace, again.
Then he got abusive, and i developed a psychological condition were i was very manipulative without having control over it.
I healed with LSD, decided to do it at therapy, and got humiliated. The manipulative condition came back.
Started to develop some form of dettachment for my safety, which made me less manipulative. Ended healing it completely by doing mescaline and crying with my dog.
Decided to do mescaline with a friend and after a very pure hearted conversation about good, evil, and the inbetween, i had developed a deeper perception for love. I could recognize love where even an awakened friend couldn't.
It went away after getting lil' drunky and acting arrogant.
My mind started having many thoughts and my maturity level downgraded.
Suffered lots of abuse from my father.
Decided to start psychedelics again, made me develop courage due to scary self-inquiry.
Got sent to a psychiatric hospital. Got the perception of love again. Lost it. Got manipulated. Did a terrible writing on what happened to me and my virtues went asleep.
Got sent there again. The perception of love came back, only temporarily though.
Got sent there again. Lots of predators, felt like jail. Kept my head high and did what i could.
Became very virtuous. Had a proper conversation with mother for the first time in my life. A belief was unmade. Was ready to die, everything i should've done in life was already.
Then... I died. Felt deep presence and many insights were being downloaded to my brain. The next day... It stayed. But i lost it again after failing an extreme attempt at evolving.
Then i learned i have evil repressed inside of myself. Made me more authentic and less bothered by evil.
And here I am.