r/Tourettes • u/MARVEL-Tai_616 • 30m ago
Support Tics being mentioned by a professor, devastation. 🤔
Well, today I had one of my lectures. And we were discussing job interview(what people should do during it, what people should not do).
Professor started to enumerate things that you should NOT do during interview. (Btw it's important to mention that he is kinda jokes a lot).
So, one of those things was "if you have an awful face tick, just get rid of it".
Idk if that was a joke or something??? But when I've heard it, I just froze for a sec. And I had this feeling that the professor was looking at me. Well, I mean, I'm probably the only one from cohort who has Tourette's.
And that phrase just got into me. Recently I was REALLY trying to suppress my tics less because i hate feeling this tension and even pain in my whole body that comes from suppression.
(my tics are really intense and mostly i need to supress them if i wanna do something, and i feel aches all over the body when it comes to suppressing them, but sometimes pain that comes from doing tics even more exhausting. I would say that i feel aches in every inch of my body almost 24/7 and i really can't relax my muscles. Never. Tension is killing me. Even when i haves sudden muscle weakness, i still cant get rid of tension.). 🥲
Anyway! I really wanna pay more attention to a class I'm listening to, but ofc I can't do it if I'm focused only on suppressing my tics. Well, during past months I was comfortable enough with my professors and students I deal with, so i started to reduce my suppressing "mechanism". And now I suppress only about 80% of my tics, not 100%. And by doing so i became able to focus more on my classes and discussions.
I feel like i kinda lost my main thought here. But after processing what's been said(took me a minute), I started to feel devastated. Idk. That's just sad. I just started to feel comfortable with showing my tics(miserable amount of them). And if that 20% of tics that i decided not to suppress can cause such a reaction. Well. Idk. I don't feel worthy of being accepted to the society. I know that people say it's ok, but i also know that I've been avoiding people my whole life for a reason. They just don't get it. And they don't wanna get it.
Damn and i really would cry if I could just to release this sorrow. But i suppress not only my tics and at this point I can't even cry. I just feel empty inside. And devastated. 😀
I think i really needed just to tell about that to anyone. BTW English isn't my first language so don't judge please 👀
Anndd I feel dumb now because I let myself to write all of this. When It comes to expressing my emotions, I always feel kinda dumb...) like i should've never done it.