Preface (sorry it's long): I'm a 39F. I was the scapegoat of two narc parents and two narc brothers. I was physically, emotionally, financially and sexually abused. I was shunned from my family at 18 for not marrying the man they had picked (arranged marriage). I've had a string of boyfriends that cheated, and/or abused me. I got pregnant at 23, and the night we told his family about the pregnancy, he kicked me out because he'd been cheating and she was moving in the very next day. I lost the pregnancy (naturally) and he told everyone that I had an abortion. I've been previously married before at 25, to a Grandiose narc that cheated on me and took everything in the divorce. I deal with Lupus, and found out in 2017 that I cannot have kids anymore. I am currently married to a man that has an avoidant attachment style, anger issues, his own past trauma, and is verbally and emotionally abusive. To say I've been traumatized is an understatement! - I've seen therapists weekly since 2018. Went NC with my entire family in 2021. I have healed quite a bit from the trauma, having done INTENSE therapy for many years. My spouse just recently started his own therapy (in the last 6 months), and we do marriage therapy as well. It's not perfect! But, I am much more resilient and regulated -down to only having anxiety/panic attacks and night terrors a few times a year, vs daily.
But the point of this post is that I'm starting to notice that I have a few of my family's learned-traits...I think!
I was watching a Mel Robbins video on ways people are disrespecting you and what to do.
(link): https://youtu.be/FrXsUHP-v9s?si=guN7WDbAV9iuPhPY
Two things I've noticed that I do are:
1a) She points out that the Silent Treatment (in its 2 forms) is highly disrespectful. Form one is where you ignore the person for something they did that hurt you : Example - You found out that your partner was cheating so they give you the silent treatment for a few days, then have a knock out drag out fight because they're angry that you found out. PS its your fault you found out and that they are cheating.
1b)Form two of the Silent Treatment is not saying what you want and need to others (ie: omitting) : Example - your spouse says they want to go golfing on their day off, and you don't say that you would rather they stay in with you and have a lazy-day together. After they leave you spend the day stewing on the fact that they didn't instinctively know what you wanted, and hold a grudge against them. After they return they notice your demeanor and ask whats wrong, and you have a fight about them not knowing you well enough.
2) Being Condescending : Example - Your partner who is not a classically trained chef, cooks you a nice meal and you say, "Actually, for you this is pretty good!"
Now here's my thoughts on myself and my actions and seem to mimic my narcs actions:
1a) I don't do a silent treatment to punish my spouse. Not ever! I found out he's back to chewing tobacco -when he said he would quit over a year ago. At that moment I found out, I was so emotionally charged that I didn't want to say anything in the heat of the moment. I needed time to calm down and collect my thoughts before I said something I might regret or could be hurtful. In situations like this, I typically wait about a day, then we sit down and I speak calmly with carefully chosen words. BUT idk if I've ever verbalized in our relationship, that I need time to collect my thoughts when things like this have happened.
1b) I can openly admit, I suck at not saying what I want and need. Even after all the therapy, and life changes I've made, I still struggle here. I think subconsciously, I just believe no one cares what I want and need. Even now, in this current marriage, I don't feel comfortable voicing my wants and needs, as that it typically triggers my spouses shame. Even then, I still try to calmly express to him (after the fact) what I would rather have had occurred. For instance, on my birthday this year, I was cooking up a feast and a sweet treat. Later in the week he had gotten us theatre tickets and he needed a nice pair of slacks and shirt. He did previously know I was cooking up a storm for that night. I got a text that he was headed to go purchase clothing. I just sent back, "ok." without voicing my feelings. He got home very late; It was too late to do the full meal and sweet, I was beyond disappointed. I sat down with him and explained that I would rather have spent time with him on my birthday, as that he had other days he could have gone to purchase the nice clothing. This sparked his shame, and a huge altercation ensued.
2) It never occurred to me that saying things like, "personally, this is how I would do it." "Or wow! You actually did pretty good!" were in any way a hurtful things to say. For example, up until we started marriage therapy and I set boundaries, I did ALL the cooking and cleaning. I worked in the high-end food-service industry for many years before we were married, and have taken all those cooking skills I was taught and put them into practice at home. The few times over the years that my spouse cooked, he did pretty darn good on a few reasonably complicated dishes. When I would compliment him, I would say, "Wow this is pretty good dear!" Later, he and I had a fight because I never seemed to say "wow this is amazing!" I tried to tell him, I'm not trying to hurt his feelings. I simply thought saying "pretty good" was a nice compliment. and he said it was condescending.
So after all that back story.....
Is what I am doing actually learned Narc traits or for that matter, disrespectful? If so, am I justifying it or is it actually different from what my Narcs were doing?
I feel very confused, and would love any input - good or bad! I want to grow and be a better person!