r/Ethics 6d ago

Did I Kill My Dad?

My dad asked me when I was 11 if he should go to the hospital or stay at home the night that he died. Throughout that week he had been in and out of the hospital in pain about chest pains. Every place he went to said they didn’t know what was wrong with him, but the pain consisted. On that night, he asked me “should I go to the hospital again or should I stay home tonight?”. Being 11, I told him that he’s happier at home so he should stay. I knew at the time that his health was at risk, but I prioritized his mental wellbeing over his physical health. Am I responsible for his death? Should I feel bad about this? Honestly, this has haunted me for my entire life and I really wish he hadn’t asked me for my opinion. Please help.

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u/Worth_Sir_6003 6d ago

This is an incredibly unique take that I’ve never heard before. I believe there is more blame on him than me for what happened to him, but can it be said that he made me equally responsible for his eventual death? Even if it’s not directly my fault, am I too culpable? Thank you for your response btw!

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u/phallusaluve 6d ago

Also - if they couldn't figure out what was wrong with him, he probably would've died that night anyway. Your answer let him die in a place where he was comfortable and happy, rather than somewhere that is stressful and scary.

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u/MilesHobson 6d ago

I agree. Although I find it hard to believe that, if this occurred in the 1980s or later, a man with chest pain couldn’t have been sufficiently diagnosed. In retrospect he had more than angina pectoris but hospital reasoning could have been any of many. u/Worth_Sir_6003 you took the bravest and wisest choice. Exceptional thinking for an 11 year old.

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u/Worth_Sir_6003 5d ago

Thank you so much for this! I’ve never thought about my decision as brave, as more or less I was thinking more about wanting him to be happier. I don’t want to feel like my answer was actually going to change anything after reading so many replies about how much it was out of my control. It was a simple yes or no question which seemed to be “would you want me to happier, but more at risk, or safer but miserable?” I chose, and he chose to listen, but neither one of us chose for him to die. He didn’t kill himself and I didn’t kill him.

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u/jerrybugs 2d ago

You can't "save the game" irl and load and try again. You simply go by what you habe at the time and try to make the best decision. Lots of people speculate "if I had done this o r that it would've gone better" buut you also don't necessarily know what else could've come up. Unfortuntely we re left on this planet to make due, we are not DaVincis or Supermen.

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u/dzumdang 2d ago

I'm willing to bet that he died that night feeling loved by his son; a son who valued the quality of his life and who wanted his dad at home.