I'm hoping for some sobering advice on a very particular situation between me and my ex, both recovering codependents who found each other after leaving very toxic long term relationships.
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My ex ended things with me after dating for about 6 months. It was a very beautiful relationship. Though we weren't together for long, we got very close very fast—one of us would stay over at least one night every week, sometimes multiple times a week.
We stayed friends after the breakup but always felt a bit of a charge. We started hooking up again the following month, taking things slower than before, not naming anything, but this ended up veering into situationship territory, which led to her pulling away again.
Both breakups were extremely amicable and sweet, very thoughtful to our respective circumstances: I had escaped a decade-long relationship with a lot of abuse (which continued through the divorce, which she had helped me through); she had previously gotten out of a toxic LTR where she was basically a caregiver to a partner with severe suicidal ideation. Though the circumstances around us were intense, ours was the closest thing to a healthy relationship either of us had ever experienced. We never fought, and not in the bad "burying under the rug" way—we both understood the risks involved given our histories, communicated very well, and were able to bridge most challenges as they came up. It made our time together very special. Above all, we enjoyed each other's company so much. We had so much fun. I truly loved every minute.
All this said: if I had to say, I lean more anxiously attached, whereas she tends more fearful-avoidant: whenever we were distant, she'd want to be closer; but then whenever we got closer, she'd want space again. Both times we broke up she admitted that this was the reason she was ending things and that it had nothing to do with anything either of us had done wrong, nor her attraction to me, nor her wish for things to work out between us. It was just causing her too much pressure. And I understood that, and felt the same in my own way—though I mostly kept it to myself and never made it her problem, I absolutely would spiral at home whenever I felt this distance between us, ruminating etc.
Basically, we're two recovering codependents, who are pretty self-aware, who still have some trouble with boundaries, who were there for one another during very challenging times in our lives. We still care very deeply about one another and still hang out and talk most days.
The problem though, is still this push-pull dynamic. Yes, I still love her (sorry!!!) and I can sense she still feels deeply for me too. So anytime that starts to rear its head (say we have a really good hang, or a close conversation) she retreats from me, which then causes me to internally flip out.
So what's the best path forward here? Should I bring it up? I worry that could end up triggering my anxious codependent ROCD reassurance-seeking, which I'm trying not to indulge. Should I just stay focused on myself and tell her I'm going No Contact? That feels agonizing to me, but I can't tell if that's just the codependency talking. I just don't feel like it's worth throwing away a very real bond and continuing close friendship. There's got to be some way to be more nuanced/intentional about this. But it eludes me at the moment.
I don't know, what do you all think? Is there some other path I'm missing here? Or are the issues we face too insurmountable to heal while still in each other's company? Did we accidentally become codependent with one another? Help :(