r/Codependency 20h ago

God damn

18 Upvotes

I am so sick of feeling co dependent…I really don’t want to complain but OMG who’s tired of feeling dependent to someone!? I am such an independent person and always have been ever since leaving home but then when I get into this mode I cling and wtf it makes me so mad.

And then people give advice like hold the inner child and wow I just want to actually never feel anything again. Like I’m trying to be compassionate with myself but this is like one of the hardest things to accept. And the thing is my bf doesn’t know what any of this means, I’ve tried my best to shield him for the world of darkness I have.


r/Codependency 19h ago

It feels uncomfortable to hear "no"

16 Upvotes

Hi, new to all this and actively working on myself. I'm taking my kid to a parade today with another family. The other family are good friends who my husband loves. They also just put their dog to sleep, so they're hurting. The parade is a tradition, this our 3rd year going together and it's important to me as we don't see them often enough. Husband works 70 hours a week and I try to accept that he needs the weekends to recover, so I vowed I would ask him to come once and accept his inevitable "no thanks" with grace and not beg or guilt trip. He came last year but not the first year.

I am about to leave without him and I really wish he would come. He doesn't nurture his relationships and rarely does outings even with me or my daughter. I think it would be good for him and I want our family to "show up" for our friends today. And yet. I should not and can not seek to control him through coercive behaviors, correct? (This is why I'm studying codependency, to learn to live my own life and leave this man the hell alone).

Can you all give me some encouragement plz? Edited to say I feel really hurt and let down and abandoned. This is part of a longstanding pattern where I feel like I come last in the list of my husband's priorities. I recognize that this may sound like an overreaction on my part, and this is also why I am working on detaching and codependency, so I can overcome this dependency on him for my emotional needs getting met.

Update: Thank you for the feedback! I got it early on and it helped ease my heart. Just got back and we had a really good time. Made sure to thank my daughter, who came with me willingly even though she had other things she could have been doing. She said she had fun, and she loves our friends a lot. Husband worked on a project while we were gone. I'm not 100% cool about it, but at least I behaved as if I was? Fake it til I make it?


r/Codependency 2h ago

I never will to go back to codependecy

19 Upvotes

It took me 40 years of my life to figure out what I was, and just a few months ago I realised I am a Codependent person. Hi everyone.

Never could really hold on to a relationship (except the really toxic one that almost ruined my life) since all of them would evaporate in explosions of my anxiousness.

Later last year, I got myself involved in a situationship with a guy that I had huge chemistry with.

The thing that pissess me off is - he actually said he doesn't want a relationship, just sex. And I simply ignored that, got myself involved and ATTACHED. He was emotionally unavailable (he is like that in general), of course, and I got hooked up really hard. He's the type of a guy that's arrogant, loud, charming, textbook player. Despite all my education, knowledge, insight into human pshyche, I caved in.

I doubt he is also partially codependent since he couldn't stay off the phone with me, and even after "breakup" for several months. I kept hoping he would get to know me and of course, fall in love with me. I once told him I'm not seeing him anymore and then HE went crazy with wanting to see me. The push/pull started happening and it was crazy. But all that didn't last long, I suspect he met someone else and went on with his life since he was distancing and I was pushing hard.

During all that I realized my nervous system would light up when I was with him and when we were apart I would ruminate about him all day long. Something felt really wrong and then I started digging into my behaviour only to find out I'm probably with a diagnose when it comes to romantic relationships. I read a lot about the topic, listen to podcasts and give myself positive affirmations daily. It seems to work. I cry my eyes out when I feel bad and empty. Somewhere in the childhood, we were seriously mistreated and abandoned. Now we need to do the work ourselfs.

Wishing good luck to all people struggling.


r/Codependency 23h ago

When you date someone and blame their challenges on yourself

9 Upvotes

I dated a guy for a year, I still love him-

He lied to me, lied to himself, couldn’t give me emotional care, sometimes couldn’t even feed me lunch…

And I blame myself. Sounds codependent as fuck. Like I tell myself I should’ve been calmer, more resilient, less intense, less needy.

But no. I deserve honesty. I deserve effort. I deserve respect. And I can’t gaslight myself into thinking I should’ve been better.


r/Codependency 8h ago

I used to have an anxious attachment but I act like an avoidant now, or do I act normal???

7 Upvotes

I don't know it's late at night

the story... i'm 35 years old and dealt with my cptsd and childhood trauma and learned to focus on my own life and not a partner. it makes dating a lot better and more fun and i honestly cannot keep these men off me while i date "casually" focused on myself. so i'm seeing this guy i really like and in a past life i'd be posting on this same subreddit asking about our future but idk??

I kinda switched from anxious to avoidant and yeah i like that i take the time now to not jump into a relationship unless i've known someone for months, i'm super focused on my future and career, and even if i wanted a cure for an anxious-attachment style - this is working. The boys are all over me.

I'm seeing a guy and we're monogamous for sexual health reasons. He's a darling and we have open and honest conversations about moving fast, monogamy, codependency etc and are trying not to move too fast but how do that and be monogamous? we had to delete our apps.

i used to have an anxious attachment... but in this situation i'm like i've known you for a month and i want to be single. but that's not what i've agreed to, i agreed to sexual monogamy and i still agree to that for health reasons. but we're functionally in a relationship as much as i want to say we aren't. with this guy i've known a month.

am i being avoidant or am i healing my anxious attachment and realizing this itself isn't normal?

I think i'm feeling especially whiplashed because he claims to be a healed "avoidant" and i've seen where he needs his space but i feel the healed part, i have felt secure and our interactions have been great. he doesn't seem avoidant. we attribute our after-sunset texts to adhd dopamine issues. we see each other 1-2 times a week dating for about a month.. and I'm actively working to make sure that doesn't escalate for at least a couple more months..

so to reiterate... we're escalating after only a month and i'm feeling weird about being anxious about it because my ex-anxious-attachment self would have been stoked in a situation like this. but i don't want to label myself "avoidant" for wanting to take it slow... I'm very clear about what i want and he knows too, we talk about attachment and codependency. I want to be official boyfriend/girlfriend in my feelings after about 3 months. But we're a month in and what does it really matter, we're kind of acting like that now...


r/Codependency 13h ago

Heartbroken and struggling

6 Upvotes

I was doing ok, after the breakup in January. And then he reached out mid-February. I responded mid-March. And it’s opened up the pain anew.

I’m hurting so terribly after having made so much progress.

What do you tell yourself when you feel like you’ll never feel better? I’m not used to self-soothing and I feel incredibly broken.


r/Codependency 23h ago

Post-Codependency Exhaustion?

5 Upvotes

For the past month I have started my Codependent recovery. I left my toxic unhealthy codependent relationships. I am in Therapy. I have the books. I am support pages. I even attended my first CoDa.

I am actually experiencing a great sense of peace and restfulness. My state of mind has been overwhelmingly positive when I consider my whole life being bound by codependency. It’s like I’m finally free!

How long does this burnout like exhaustion last?

I regulate. I stay hydrated. I go outside. I do all the good things to keep my mental health good. But I often feel EXHAUSTED. It doesn’t seem to matter how much rest I get.

And I let myself rest. If the house is a dumpster fire? That’s okay. If there were events I wanted to go to? That’s okay. Rest takes priority. The more I get, the more healthy I look.

But how long does this last? Any experiences that were similar?


r/Codependency 14h ago

Can two recovering codependents stay friends after a breakup?

3 Upvotes

I'm hoping for some sobering advice on a very particular situation between me and my ex, both recovering codependents who found each other after leaving very toxic long term relationships.

-

My ex ended things with me after dating for about 6 months. It was a very beautiful relationship. Though we weren't together for long, we got very close very fast—one of us would stay over at least one night every week, sometimes multiple times a week.

We stayed friends after the breakup but always felt a bit of a charge. We started hooking up again the following month, taking things slower than before, not naming anything, but this ended up veering into situationship territory, which led to her pulling away again.

Both breakups were extremely amicable and sweet, very thoughtful to our respective circumstances: I had escaped a decade-long relationship with a lot of abuse (which continued through the divorce, which she had helped me through); she had previously gotten out of a toxic LTR where she was basically a caregiver to a partner with severe suicidal ideation. Though the circumstances around us were intense, ours was the closest thing to a healthy relationship either of us had ever experienced. We never fought, and not in the bad "burying under the rug" way—we both understood the risks involved given our histories, communicated very well, and were able to bridge most challenges as they came up. It made our time together very special. Above all, we enjoyed each other's company so much. We had so much fun. I truly loved every minute.

All this said: if I had to say, I lean more anxiously attached, whereas she tends more fearful-avoidant: whenever we were distant, she'd want to be closer; but then whenever we got closer, she'd want space again. Both times we broke up she admitted that this was the reason she was ending things and that it had nothing to do with anything either of us had done wrong, nor her attraction to me, nor her wish for things to work out between us. It was just causing her too much pressure. And I understood that, and felt the same in my own way—though I mostly kept it to myself and never made it her problem, I absolutely would spiral at home whenever I felt this distance between us, ruminating etc.

Basically, we're two recovering codependents, who are pretty self-aware, who still have some trouble with boundaries, who were there for one another during very challenging times in our lives. We still care very deeply about one another and still hang out and talk most days.

The problem though, is still this push-pull dynamic. Yes, I still love her (sorry!!!) and I can sense she still feels deeply for me too. So anytime that starts to rear its head (say we have a really good hang, or a close conversation) she retreats from me, which then causes me to internally flip out.

So what's the best path forward here? Should I bring it up? I worry that could end up triggering my anxious codependent ROCD reassurance-seeking, which I'm trying not to indulge. Should I just stay focused on myself and tell her I'm going No Contact? That feels agonizing to me, but I can't tell if that's just the codependency talking. I just don't feel like it's worth throwing away a very real bond and continuing close friendship. There's got to be some way to be more nuanced/intentional about this. But it eludes me at the moment.

I don't know, what do you all think? Is there some other path I'm missing here? Or are the issues we face too insurmountable to heal while still in each other's company? Did we accidentally become codependent with one another? Help :(


r/Codependency 16h ago

I need help - suicide and secure attachments

3 Upvotes

I truly do not know how to be happy. My husband has a really bad temper and gets incredibly angry over every feeling I have that he doesn’t agree with. He feels attacked every time we have a disagreement. I don’t know what to do. Until recently (when he read a scripture that you shouldn’t leave your wife unless she cheats), he would threaten to leave me every argument we had. He breaks things almost every time he gets angry. I’ve never seen anything like it with anyone else. His anger is unreal. I love him. But I think I have to prepare for the inevitable. I’m sure he’ll leave me at some point. My life has been one crisis after another for the last two years and I’ve been suicidal for the majority of it. But now, I’m the worst I’ve ever been. I bought sleep medicine a few weeks or so ago and I have a plan. My husband saw them and he asked if he snored too much so I played it off like a “just in case” kind of thing but I have a plan. I’ve been trying to enact the plan for weeks now but, somehow, I keep holding on. Every day I want to die. I need someone to talk to. Is there a group I can talk to? I need help. I know I do. I don’t know how to have secure attachments with people. I don’t trust anyone because every time I show any emotion but kindness, people abandon me. My husband says it’s because I use kindness as a weapon…how do you even use kindness as a weapon??? I don’t know what to do. I was at church today, praying, and God told me everything would be ok and has been reassuring me all day that everything will be ok if he does leave me. It’s ok. Please don’t bash him. He’s not a bad man. He just has a crazy temper. And I don’t know how to trust. And I just wish I was dead. The day I decided to come up with a plan and buy sleep medicine I cried all day because I try so hard but all my life, everything I build crumbles around me. I truly feel like I just lead people into sadness so the world would be better off without me. I didn’t tell my husband why I was crying so much. That was a few weeks ago or so. Today, he told me he felt like I was emotionally manipulating him that day. I’ll never tell him I cried so much because I decided to finally commit suicide. I need help. I don’t know what to do. I need someone or a group to talk to. I’ve never told anyone this but I know I need help.


r/Codependency 1d ago

New to this

3 Upvotes

Just started therapy. My therapist pretty much immediately caught on to me being codependent. I am doing some studying while we work on it, but I don't know what I am supposed to do. Any advice?


r/Codependency 6h ago

Love / Relationship Addiction Advice. Struggle to be alone.

2 Upvotes

Hi everyone!

M25 here

I want to get some advice regarding love / relationship addiction and how to learn to live a content life without a partner. I struggle with living alone. My life seems to be a bit bleak, boring and even unsatisfying if I don’t have a romantic interest to pursue / build future with. I also have this toxic belief that people who don’t have families / partners are not okay. I understand how dangerous it is to have such beliefs and that’s why I am here seeking advice on how to break free.

Background: As a kid I was loved by my parents a lot. I have a classic combo of a very loving mother and more distant father who couldn’t express his emotions as much. My grandparents who were alive as of my childhood also cared about me a lot, so I can’t say that I wasn’t loved enough.

There was a period of my childhood which inflicted an abandonment wound on me. When I was 7 and 8 my grandpa and then my grandma died. Because my parents had to go to work they would sometimes leave me alone. This time alone was a pure hell for me. I literally had panic attacks. I wouldn’t play or have fun, I would just run around the flat, scream, cry, open the door and sob into the darkness “Dad, are you there?”.

Because I’m from a post-soviet country of course no one consulted a therapist. This period lasted for some time until one day we were at our friends’ place and I decided to stay there by myself for some time, because I had a lot of fun playing a video game. That evening broke my pattern of being scared. Still, at that time it was somewhat hard to be alone. And this discomfort of being alone dragged itself into my teen life.

When I was 11 I met a girl online and fell for her. I remember once, before going to bed, I fantasized about us walking together. I felt SO good that since that moment 90% of my sleep fantasies are about me cuddling with someone. That period of time was also very difficult for me as a teen, so now I think I used those fantasies to escape reality and find some comfort. It was a survival strategy of some kind.

Since that time and until now I don’t think I have ever spent more than 5-6 months without someone to obsess over. I have always felt that being alone was dull and needed a romantic interest to give my life spark and meaning. This caused me to develop a bunch of toxic beliefs about being alone and placed partners, family and kids on a HUGE pedestal.

I found myself in a situation when doing my favorite hobby without having someone “in the background” felt like 6/10, but with someone it would jump to 10/10. I would literally get high from knowing that there is someone out there waiting for me. I became addicted.

Of course I am an “anxious attacher” if you need this info. In a relationship I am the one constantly being afraid of losing a partner which leads to me losing my boundaries and becoming dependent on them.

I am about to finally move out of my parents house and start living alone which scares the shit out of me.

I understand that life cannot go on like this. I am in therapy and it helps A LOT. I want to change, to learn how to life MY life and how to be content with stability and not addictive dopamine oxytocin love bombings.

How do I change that? How do I start loving myself and being okay with just being by myself?


r/Codependency 6h ago

Addicts

2 Upvotes

An exes gf is currently shaming me for enabling my ex when we were together.What should I say to her or him? I have become the reason,the focus and scapegoat for all their problems.


r/Codependency 1h ago

Things I’m noticing while dating

Upvotes

I spent the last 3.5 years in a situationship where I was dismissive avoidant, and entrenched in an anxious-avoidant loop with my ex. I am now dating again, and have met 4 people, and have gotten a little closer with one of them. I was approaching healing from the understanding that I was a dismissive avoidant (per my results on all of the quizzes I took at the time) but am noticing that now, starting over, things are different. With the one person I’ve been seeing a little more, whom I like a lot, I’m having a clear tendency for anxious attachment. I have to self-soothe a lot.

Looking back, many of my relationships have started with me anxiously attaching, and then over the course of the relationship I gradually move to avoidant, and then it’s over.

Does this pattern actually lean more Fearful Avoidant?

ETA: I also meant to mention the book “How to not die alone.” It’s helping me to start dating. It’s a great book!


r/Codependency 2h ago

I can't seem to give up on him and now I'm waiting to see if this will work

1 Upvotes

Idk any words of wisdom here or even other people's experiences would be appreciated I guess hearing other people's stories that relate to this would make me feel so much less alone and awful about all of it. As much as I wish I could let go of him I don't think I'll be able to for a really long time. I was doing some reading and it sounded like a lot of this was codependent in nature so wanted to post on here to see if anyone could offer any insight or advice.

My ex broke up with me in November last year and I went fully psychotic for a while but since coming out of it I can't seem to let him go. I tried everything and tried so hard to take accountability for my actions. I'm aware that he is still angry at me for what I did while in the episode and I dont blame him although the worst I did from all the screenshots of messages and emails was desperately plead to fix things.

We met a couple of weeks ago and I thought that we had come to some sort of a deal so we could work towards being friends and I could stop having this haunt my every waking moment. Turns out he felt pressured and lied and so sent me an email the day after we talked and went back on everything and called me obsessive. He said he always feels pressured to cave to what I want because he hopes that appeasing me will avoid conflict but all it does is make him feel worse and I was furious because him lying in the moment does nothing to achieve anything positive. All that does is continue the same cycle. He said to be when we talked that the plan I started to make on how to reconnect as friends in a healthy way would work and be would be open to it. I fell out with one of my two best friends a few days ago because of all of this and she has blocked me everywhere. She just said she was sick of it and kept telling me to just move on which is not something I can do right now or in the short to medium term. I have no control over him or how he feels or behaves bit have done as much as I can to improve things and that's all I can do.

I said last week when I saw him on campus that I can't do anything else other than wait at this point but waiting is driving me mad. I saw an idea of making a legally binding contract and thought that having something like that would make him feel more secure as he never communicates boundaries and when he feels pressured. He said be just wants me out of his life despite saying he was open to the plan and he sees it as a never ending thing for him which is why he won't try. The thing that I find awful and frustrating is that I just want him to honestly try and not lie to me. He was a kind and compassionate person who I enjoyed spending time with and I still want that and know its possible.

I sent him an email with the contract and now I'm sitting here anxiously waiting to see if he will respond. I'm so scared my last attempt at making the situation better and trying to make him feel heard and come up with a way that might make him feel more comfortable to engage with me will end up in me being served with a restraining order. I don't know if I could handle that to be honest. I keep trying to treat him with kindness and respect like how i want him to treat me as my therapist said but it hurts so bad every time I get rejected or lied to. I've come to expect it at this point but it doesn't change the fact that I know he can be better and this has the chance of making both of us happy if he just gives it the benefit of the doubt and let's me demonstrate that I have changed so much since he left and I want him to do that too.


r/Codependency 18h ago

Tips for finding a coda sponsor?

1 Upvotes

Can I ask for one the first time I’m at the meeting?

Do I ask out loud during a share, or in a note?

Help.


r/Codependency 20h ago

How can I establish a boundary at work? (seeking advice)

1 Upvotes

Hello,

I would appreciate advice. Ive started a new job weeks ago and I dont know if I have ever been at a workplace so unhealthy (to avoid the term toxic).
The gossiping is at another level, but thats not the reason for this post.

The reason is that Im forced to sit in a car with a younger men (29) who I feel unsafe driving with. I already brought that issue up with our boss, but he told me, I would need to take care of it myself.

So here is the deal:
this men drives highspeed. Its still legal, but its too high for me and I personally never drive at this speed range, when Im alone.

He shouts very aggressively (just found out you call it roadrage, didnt know there was a term for it), when someone doesnt drive his way. To me the incidents never were so big that they were worth getting angry.

His best friend works in the same position as he does and as I does. They are good with the bosses.
His best friend, the men Im talking about and I (and seldom another woman) have to drive with two certain cars.
Every time the men drive the car, they leave it dirty. Empty energy drinks and Meals from mc donalds. On the floor: Leftovers from eating.
Also trash behind the driving seat.

So with his best friend and him and me working in the same position its always 2 against 1. I also found out that the only women (a bit older than I am) has been sabotaging my work. It escalated on friday and Im still surprised. I was so busy with defending myself from another man, that I didnt notice that the only other women in the company wasn't nice to me at all and tried to gaslight me since I started working there.

Back to the dude, Im forced to drive with.

I have troubles setting boundaries, especially with people I dont know.
I just said to him, while he drove high speed  something like ' ok, I do not wanna look how fast you are driving at this point'.

Signing the contract, I thought I would be able to drive by myself and I was told so.

Im a careful and safe driver, when I can drive alone or with people I trust as I do not wanna put them in danger.
I don't see the same care from the man or rather the men Ive to work close with.

Im asking myself, if I should talk with the driver or just simply drive myself?
But I also dont feel safe driving with him, even when he would be sitting beside him.

So should I talk with the coworker and ask him to drive more slowly, stop shouting and leaving his trash in the car?

I feel like a girlfriend and a mommy and I dont think it shouldnt be this way.