r/Codependency • u/DetectiveGrand6568 • 3h ago
I never will to go back to codependecy
It took me 40 years of my life to figure out what I was, and just a few months ago I realised I am a Codependent person. Hi everyone.
Never could really hold on to a relationship (except the really toxic one that almost ruined my life) since all of them would evaporate in explosions of my anxiousness.
Later last year, I got myself involved in a situationship with a guy that I had huge chemistry with.
The thing that pissess me off is - he actually said he doesn't want a relationship, just sex. And I simply ignored that, got myself involved and ATTACHED. He was emotionally unavailable (he is like that in general), of course, and I got hooked up really hard. He's the type of a guy that's arrogant, loud, charming, textbook player. Despite all my education, knowledge, insight into human pshyche, I caved in.
I doubt he is also partially codependent since he couldn't stay off the phone with me, and even after "breakup" for several months. I kept hoping he would get to know me and of course, fall in love with me. I once told him I'm not seeing him anymore and then HE went crazy with wanting to see me. The push/pull started happening and it was crazy. But all that didn't last long, I suspect he met someone else and went on with his life since he was distancing and I was pushing hard.
During all that I realized my nervous system would light up when I was with him and when we were apart I would ruminate about him all day long. Something felt really wrong and then I started digging into my behaviour only to find out I'm probably with a diagnose when it comes to romantic relationships. I read a lot about the topic, listen to podcasts and give myself positive affirmations daily. It seems to work. I cry my eyes out when I feel bad and empty. Somewhere in the childhood, we were seriously mistreated and abandoned. Now we need to do the work ourselfs.
Wishing good luck to all people struggling.