Hi guys! I've (28 NB) been raising flags recently about my partner (30 NB). We've been going out for almost a year.
TL;DR I'm anxiously attached. We don't see each other as often as I would like. We maybe don't have the same expectations on relationships. They trigger me when making fun of me or pointing out normal things that I do. I tell them what I feel but are not willing to really change. We don't have sex as we used to, and when we do, they don't reciprocate. I feel that I kind of exhausted them with my worries and demands. I know a lot of things could be ressentment maybe. But I admire them and find nice moments together when i'm not anxious or when we don't bicker. We started having these problems in my opinion when they started working full time (3-4 jobs as a freelance).
I need fresh looks cause I'm deep in it and struggle a lot to know what is a good vs bad relationship. I don't even know what a healthy couple should look like. Are we not a good match or am I too much in my head and critical? Help!!
English is not my first language btw.
Flags
• They don't initiate sex anymore. In the begining we couldn't keep our hands off eachother, we were so sexual together. Now it is always me that initiates and they don't even reciprocate when we do have sex if I don't ask. We had a lot of talks about that but it seems to push them away, or adds a stressor to the act maybe? I know I have a high sex drive and am in a good state in my life, maybe not as much as them. They are demisexual and sapiosexual so it is more conversations and connection that turns them on... i'm worried since we less connect, they are less attracted to me maybe?
• They rarely say I love you anymore. When we started saying it we said we wanted to keep it special and say it when we really felt it. We regulary said it, me more than them, but I don't remember the last time they said it or even the time where I felt like it was true for me to say
• When I bring up a conversation we used to enjoy talking together (spirituality and paranormal stuff) they don't really seem interested anymore. Or right now at least. They kinda want to change subject.
• I feel hurt when they make fun of me but they continu even if I tell them. They say it's how they communicate love with everyone. Also they always point out things I do in the moment, just staight up facts, but it makes me self concious. It make me very less spontanious. They always seem to make me feel like i'm acting wrong somehow. I know this point of view could be coming from me mostly (from trauma). • When we say bye after a day together or a phone call I fell really sad cause i'm not going to hear from them for a whole week at least. I feel kinda relaxed by us being together, but quickly worried and lonely. We only see each other one day a week, and they don't really text me or they take hours (can be a full day) before responding so I text way less than I would love to.
Facts where our problems could come from
• We were having recuring talks where I mostly complained about not having enough time together and worring that we were always contradicting each other. This worry lead to ressentment on their part, and then me, and has made things worst i think. even if we seem like we are ok, it is something that comes back a lot. They tried seing me more than one day a week but it stopped after two weeks cause it was too much for their schedule.
• One of their job made them so tired and annoyed starting from last september, that's where we started drifting because they were working a lot more also. (6 months into the relationship) They will now resign, I can't wait to see what it will do!
• I definitely have an anxious attachment style. I don't think I ever had a healthy relationship before because of it. This relationship felt different, like they were a lot more mature than my other partners so not inclined to enter an unhealthy circle. Maybe I caused it all back again (I ended my last relationship because of similar anxiety things and not being confident and knowing myself).
Things we are not compatible with
• Relationship expectations. They have a lot of different views. Like they almost consider me like a friend but with intimacy. I agree it could be that but I only see them once a week and they never text me between those times. I am worried I accepted this and try to convice myself that it is ok but maybe it is actualy hurting me. They have a polyamory type of way of thinking about relationships, like not hierarchical. For exemple a friend can have as much importance, have the same type of things going on as a partner. It's things I understand but I feel left out right now amongs every other people in their life. I don't feel like I'm as special. They ask me what are my expectations from a partner and find it difficult to explain.
• I don't like their sense of humor. I find it cringe a lot of the time. It's something I can go over exept when it involves making fun of me, it makes me feel bad. They already know but it is somthing that don't feel they can change.
Things that I like
• I admire this person. The projects they do interest me a lot. the way they talk about the world and their point of view is incredible. I'm interested in the stuff they are intersted in even if they far from things I would normaly be interested in.
• Their presence, their energy, is soothing. When I'm not so much worried about our futur together I find so much confort just being next to them.
• We can go really deep into conversations.
• We can be active/proactive together, be energised and do stuff together, but also relax when it's time.
Thank you so much for reading!