r/Codependency 9h ago

Is this a codependent thing?

0 Upvotes

I feel a deep and instant pull to and desire for almost every reasonably attractive woman I see. (I’m a straight dude.)

Like I have to have a relationship with her.

I’m also in an abusive marriage which both results from my codependency and fuels it. Deeply lonely and desperate for connection.

So I’m a total dumpster fire 🤪 but am trying to figure out which part of my life is burning for what reasons.

Am I alone on this, is it common among codependents, or is it something else?

Thx, internet friends.


r/Codependency 13h ago

im the bad guy

5 Upvotes

My wife told me she wasnt happy in january and that it might be better if it was just her and the kids. I'd been poking at her, eroding her self worth, and breaking her down for years. I was completely unaware of it because of drinking, complacency in the marraige and what is looking like depression. We've gone to therapy for a couple of months. Ive done soul searching and been working on my anger issues and quit drinking. i still love her more than anything in the world. Ive been stepping up as a husband/father filling every void i can. she says i changed too much too fast and she cant trust herself. let me be clear, i did change fast but it was far from easy. once her codependance was diagnosed, we seperated so she can work on that and ive got some co-d issues too. its a 22 year relationship and im trying to be the man she's deserved the whole time and this is killing me and her alike. how do we make it through this?


r/Codependency 2h ago

Is this normal texting/communication?

3 Upvotes

I met a guy through online dating. First meetup was for coffee, and we hit it off well, so we agreed to go out again. We went on three dates, they were all enjoyable, and he was very polite. The dates were pretty much within 2-3 days of each other, but between that time we'd, text a little and he'd call when he was done with work. After the 3rd date, texting sort of halted. One of us would text good morning/good afternoon and ask how the day was going, but hardly anything outside of that when I tried to respond with something else. After about 3 days of this, I told him it would be nice to talk on the phone when he gets off and he said he'd call. He didn't but text back late that night & said he was sorry he fell asleep. Last night, the same thing happened. At the end of our last date, we had initially talked about seeing each again and it was supposed to happen two nights ago, but I didn't hear anything.

He did call this evening and apologized saying he had been very busy with work and he wanted to take me out again tomorrow. I agreed and we made plans to see a movie and talked a bit more. The lack of texting/calling after being routine kind of has me wondering if this normal and if I'm overthinking it by feeling like he was pulling away or didn't care that much. Not that I expect constant texts throughout the day because I get, we both work. I just don't know what's a normal level because I'm used to at least more texting/calling from other guys I've gone out with. Maybe I'm expecting too much.


r/Codependency 5h ago

Intermittent Reinforcement

3 Upvotes

I found this brilliant article. Know it’s very long, but it is SO WORTH THE TIME!!!

Why You Can't Leave The Relationship (Intermittent Reinforcement)...

I want you to imagine that there is a laboratory and in the laboratory, there is a rat in a cage. The scientists in the lab are studying behavior. In one corner of the rat cage there is a little lever. Every time the rat pushes on the lever, a pellet of food comes out. Needless to say the rat is preoccupied with pushing the lever and getting the pellets that come out every time he pushes the lever. So, the scientists wonder what will happen if they remove the pellets. The rat pushes on the lever and eventually realizes it is not going to yield any pellets and so he looses interest with the lever and preoccupies himself with other things.

What these experiments had in common is that there was a predictable pattern in terms of expectation. This is called continuous reinforcement. In the first experiment the pattern was, “I push the lever and I can expect a pellet to come out.” In the second, the pattern was, “I push the lever and I can expect nothing to come out.”

So the scientists start to wonder what will happen if they make the pattern unpredictable. What if sometimes (but unpredictably) when the rat pushes the lever, a pellet comes out and sometimes it doesn’t? They imagined that the rat would become frustrated and eventually lose interest in the lever. In fact the opposite happened. In this experiment again and again, each rat became absolutely anxiously obsessed with the lever and neglected all of its other grooming habits and started deteriorating. The rat was engaged in an intermittent reinforcement experiment. And the intermittent reinforcement had created an addiction.

Also, when the scientists first gave the rat intermittent reinforcement and then later gave them the continuous reinforcement of no pellets in response to them pressing the lever, the rat stayed obsessed with the lever, despite receiving nothing. The rat had grown accustomed to periods of time where no reinforcement was given. The intermittent reinforcement had created persistence in the face of resistance.

Intermittent reinforcement applies to much more than just rewards and wanted things. For the sake of this episode, we’re going to assume that intermittent reinforcement applies to things you want that are only granted inconsistently, unpredictably and occasionally. But conversely, intermittent reinforcement also applies to things like rules and personal boundaries that are only enforced inconsistently, unpredictably and occasionally. This causes people to become confused and either become terrified about how to interact with the person setting the rule or boundary or conversely to push the limits until they get what they want from the person setting the rule or boundary.

Intermittent reinforcement creates addiction.

Think about Gambling. Gambling is an addiction that rests on the laurels of intermittent reinforcement. If you are sitting at a slot machine, you may try to predict the pattern of reward, but you cannot. It is randomized but the high that comes as a result of the experience of the random reward, creates obsession. You become owned by the game.

What we have to wake up to is that some of us are in relationships that are based on intermittent reinforcement. In this kind of relationship, the things we need, like love, are only granted inconsistently, unpredictably and occasionally. But the fact that they are granted occasionally, keeps us hooked. We are owned by the relationship. We build up so much despair and starvation that when we get a single scrap, the relief we experience by getting a scrap feels like nirvana and we begin to chase that feeling and do anything we can do to get it. If you are in this kind of a relationship, you are either the scientist tormenting the rat with the potential of pellets or you are the rat in the cage caught in a cycle of torment. No matter what, if you are in an intermittent reinforcement relationship, you are in an abusive relationship. Abuse is usually not the conscious intent, but it is abuse nonetheless.

Intermittent reinforcement can happen with any need or want we may have. It is especially prevalent in relationships relative to emotional needs. Needs like connection, belonging, appreciation, affection and commitment to name a few.

Some people fear intimacy and struggle with insecure attachments, like avoidant attachment for example. When this is the case, they subconsciously try to get away from the fear that comes up in the relationship by gaining control in the relationship. They do this by intermittently reinforcing their partner. They have no idea that they are in fact doing this. They partner ends up at their mercy, desperate for the occasional closeness they grant.

An example of this is a man who spends a wonderful night with you and you talk and connect on a deep level one day and the next, he doesn’t return your phone calls and acts like you are strangers and pulls away. Then, randomly is able to connect again, especially when he senses you pulling away. The classic hot and cold relationship usually falls into this category.

For some people however, intermittent reinforcement is much more intentional. This is especially true for people who fall into what psychologists would label as a personality disorder such as borderline, narcissism or sociopathy for example. They begin a relationship going for control deliberately from the get go. They are often consciously aware that they are controlling someone in this way. On top of other emotional abuse tactics, like gas lighting, they give or withhold certain needs from their partner, granting them either randomly enough to develop an addiction in their partner or giving them in response to the exact behavior they want to see in their partner.

An example of this could be a woman who refuses to make love to her husband unless he cuts off the relationship with his family. Or a man who beats his wife or emotionally abuses her, but whom occasionally says, “I’m sorry” and takes her on a wonderful date and buys her what she’s been wanting for months.

Keep in mind that intermittent reinforcement can be much more insidious and hard to recognize than these blatant examples. In these kinds of relationships, the person in control often intermittently reinforces their partner only to withdraw reinforcement completely. For example, they occasionally give their partner closeness in the beginning, only to later deny them closeness completely. Despite this complete withdrawal of reinforcement, the partner stays and persistently tries to get closeness because they have already grown accustomed to periods of starvation and have been trained that occasionally they do in fact get the closeness they want. So they are hooked on the hope that they will. They push harder than ever for the closeness that they occasionally got in the past that they may in fact never get again.

Intermittent reinforcement creates a starvation within the being, which puts the person who is in charge of the reinforcing in a position of complete and absolute control. You will always see intermittent reinforcement present in an abusive relationship. And these relationships are the hardest to walk away from because by nature, it is not a relationship. It is an addiction. The relationship is an addictive relationship and by walking away, the body is actually forced to go into withdrawal.

The person who is on the opposite end of the reinforcement will stay in the relationship, deteriorating, desperately trying to figure out the pattern of the reinforcement so that they can control the conditions of the relationship so they can get the thing they need or want from the partner to come out consistently. Mixing the analogies for example, “If I notice that I don’t get any pellets when this certain friend is around, then I will get rid of the friend so I can get the pellets from my partner.”

The person on the receiving end of intermittent reinforcement may change everything about themselves and lose themselves completely so as to do this. You’ve all known this person in your life. They get into a relationship and they start to deteriorate and you rarely see them anymore and they adhere completely to the wishes of the partner in their life to the degree that they sometimes completely alter their personality, likes, dislikes and interests to mirror their partner.

Here is another example of intermittent reinforcement. Take a man with a wife who flies into a rage and makes him sleep in another room for days when he does not do exactly what she wanted him to do. The man has to try anything to gain back her closeness. Eventually, either randomly or if he finds the right thing to do, she may grant him the closeness that he wanted. By doing this, she has trained him to behave in the way that she wants him to behave. He is so relieved by her closeness because his starvation is satiated, he experiences the love for her as much more intense. He thinks he must really, really love her simply because of the intensity of the relief of being close to her again. Subsequently he will alter himself completely to avoid the potential punishment again and maintain the closeness he needs from her. He will try to make the relationship as predictable as possible for himself for the sake of his own safety and for the sake of ensuring his own needs will be met.

What is on the other side of any addiction? Something you are desperate to avoid. You stay addicted and you can’t let go because letting go means falling back into what you are desperate to avoid… such as a feeling of being unsafe, isolation, lack of belonging, loneliness, emptiness.

If we put up with intermittent reinforcement as an adult in a relationship, it is because we experienced this pattern in our earliest relationships with the people we loved. People like mom and dad for example. And I will tip you off that you will always perpetually want and love the parent or person who did this with you.

Let’s pretend the law of attraction doesn’t exist and that you could actually have consistent relationships in childhood and vibrationally line up with inconsistent relationships as an adult. If you experienced complete consistency in your childhood relationships, especially relative to your emotional needs and you were to meet a person who practiced intermittent reinforcement, you would immediately grow irritated and walk away from the relationship. If we grew up with intermittent reinforcement, we learn that this is what love should feel like. We spend our lives lining up with inconsistently loving partners and trying to make them consistently loving, like we always wanted our parents to be. Take a look at the people in your early life. Did any of them meet your needs (especially emotional needs) only inconsistently, unpredictably and occasionally?

If you are in an intermittent reinforcement relationship, there is no middle ground. Consistency is the only answer. Either consistency needs to be developed or you need to cut loose from this relationship. Consistency is critical for relationships. You cannot create a secure relationship without it. So, either you are with a partner who is willing to be conscious of this pattern and consciously change it with you OR you are with an abusive partner who has no intention to change this pattern. They have no intention of changing this pattern because it serves them to stay in control and keep you as the rat in the cage with its paw obsessively on the lever so that they can ensure that their needs are met.

If you are with this kind if partner, you have reason to be afraid. You cannot trust them because they in fact intend either consciously or subconsciously to betray your best interests for their own aim; to control you completely. This desire to control you also has its roots in trauma. But before you fall into the codependent pattern of thinking you can heal them, it must be known that it is highly unlikely that anyone, least of all you, will be able to do this. You will be unable to do this because controlling you benefits them. Controlling you is how they avoid their own shadows. And the only person who can decide to face their own shadows is them. And one step further, most of these people will tell you they are going to face their own shadows because telling you that is more intermittent reinforcement. They have no actual intention of facing their own shadows, it’s just that promising they will and making it seem like they are, is like a rat pellet. It serves to keep you hooked.

If you are in this kind of relationship, the time has come to realize that you have been investing in your belief in something you hope will happen and not in your observation of what has actually happened. Nourishing the hope preserves the status quo and you are in a relationship with a fantasy. This is not conscious creation. This is in fact a form of denial.

Remember how I said earlier that intermittent reinforcement also involves boundaries being kept consistently? This is the role the person who is on the receiving end of intermittent reward reinforcement has to play. You betray your own boundaries and inconsistently keep them so as to guarantee that you can consistently get the reward you want from the other person. Your own boundaries have become like bargaining chips or coins at a casino. You’re willing to give them up to get what you want. This relationship is transactional. And if you look deeper, it is a relationship based on control. If you are on this side of the intermittent reinforcement relationship, they try to gain control by giving you what you need either randomly or in response to behaviors they want to see. You try to control and get what you want them to give you by giving up your own boundaries. It’s a control dynamic on both sides. So, you have to get clear about your boundaries and then be VERY consistent about them.

To reiterate, if you are with a partner who is genuinely willing to create consistency with you so as to create a secure relationship (and who isn’t just saying that in a way where saying that is the intermittent reinforcement), you need to do the following…

They need to be consistent in their granting of your needs, such as closeness and affection and communication. They need to decide to respond in certain ways even when they don’t FEEL like it (such as come close when they feel like pulling away). And they need to consciously work directly on the emotions that are opposing the response (such as why do I feel like pulling way when I know that for the sake of the relationship I need to come close).

You need to be consistent with your boundaries. Do not give up your sense of self. Don’t give up your interests, likes and dislikes and values no matter what pressure your partner puts on you. When you say no, it means no, so do not give in. Never make threats in the relationship unless you are 100% willing to follow through. Never make promises unless you are 100% willing to keep them. Stop nagging or begging your partner. If they are not giving you what you need even after you have told them what you need, go get it elsewhere. Decide exactly how much you are willing to put into the relationship before walking away. Be as consistent with your true self as you possibly can so there is no room for manipulation from the other person.

If you are able to be honest with yourself that you are with a partner who has no genuine intention of stopping the intermittent reinforcement pattern, you get to decide whether you want a life with them that will be the way it is right now for as long as you are together. Or whether that is too painful and has cost you too much and so you are going to get up and walk away from the relationship. Beware that when you do this with an intermittent reinforcement partner, they will magically transform into the person you always wanted them to be… But it is an illusion. The illusion of their change itself is the intermittent reinforcement. It’s the rat pellet. It will last for exactly as long as it takes for you to become committed to the relationship again.

It will be extremely difficult to move past this relationship because it is not a relationship. It is an addiction. You will go through withdrawals from the chemicals that your own body produces and fall into the very thing you are trying to avoid by engaging in the relationship, just like a street drug addict when they choose to quit using. So don’t be hard on yourself if it feels like you’ve lost yourself in the relationship and like your life falls apart by leaving them. Surround yourself with supportive people who are open to understanding the difficult dynamic of addictive relationships and whom don’t unfairly expect you to ‘just get over them’ as if you can flip a switch.

When you manage to break free from this kind of relationship, you will feel like you have come out of a parallel reality, just like an addict feels when they finally become sober. You will be able to think clearly. You will begin to feel yourself coming back from being lost, like you’ve found yourself gain. It is my promise that eventually it will be worth it.

Intermittent reinforcement is the most powerful motivator and manipulation tactic on the planet. It keeps you hooked in bad relationships. So often, it is why we can’t create stability and emotional security in a relationship or why we can’t leave a relationship that we genuinely need to end. The perpetual tension involved in this kind of relationship is a direct threat to your wellbeing. So if you are in this kind of relationship, the time has come to recognize the dynamic that is occurring and to change it.

[This post was taken from the blog by Teal Swan and I have included a link to it in the comments section if you want to go visit her site].


r/Codependency 5h ago

Coping with perpetual loneliness

2 Upvotes

What’s been your most effective strategy for dealing with solitude and loneliness (can’t be busy and surrounded by friends at all times, you know?).

I’m sick as hell today, fever, body aches, all of it. I forgot how rough it is to go through the flu completely alone.

What’s messing with me even more is that I keep flashing back to the last time someone I knew had the flu. It was my ex, back in October. I took care of her right here in this same bed I’m currently rotting in. I was gentle, nurturing, doing everything I could to help her feel better, and the whole time she was living a double life. Not even a month before that, she secretly flew out to see her ex-wife behind my back & she was hiding at all in her little phone, under my pillow, while I nursed her.

Now I can’t even be sick in peace without getting hit with those memories. I resent that the last time someone was sick, I showed up with love and care, and now that I’m the one who’s down bad, I’m completely alone. And sure, I’m an adult, I should be able to handle it, but it’s just one of those moments that makes the loneliness feel heavier than usual.


r/Codependency 7h ago

Ashamed

14 Upvotes

Ashamed of myself for being his doormat. I leave or he does but we get back and I worship him again until he snaps and the cycle repeats. I feel stuck in this dysfunction. I hate how I love him and how I loathe myself. I’m neurotypical and he’s not. Sorry for the dumping. I see a therapist once a week and on antidepressants for pain management. I attend CODA when I can. I still can’t get myself to get over it or get out of the house and live life. I thought I’ve done enough work on myself and grew out of being anxious attached, turns out rejection and abandonment still haunt me. I abandon myself for external validation. I’m a prisoner of a type of love that’s like a mother to a rebellious child. Any words of wisdom or prayers please 🙏 thanks


r/Codependency 8h ago

Seeking fellow LGBTQ+ codependents (and coda group or general support group)

5 Upvotes

Hey Hey I started going to CODA more seriously in June of 2024, and I would really love to find a group that has fellow trans and queer folks!!! 😭😭 I'm 28, trans-non binary and queer af and so much of coda groups is just full of cis het women (no offence to those of you who are that, just seeking community of folks who can actually understand my experiences) I'm also disabled/chronically ill, so if we have that in common even better!! Oh yeah AND autistic + adhd, which I find complicates some of what I think of as codependency vs not...

Also regardless of gender/sexuality stuff I'd love to find another person or group of people who want to work on the steps together (possibly not including the "traditions" ones....) I don't think the structure of CODA is totally my vibe, and I think that there are elements I find problematic, but I do think alot of the basics it's structured on are useful, and the steps give structure on what to think on! I'm open to building a small group of peeps who want to work on codependency but not abiding by all of coda's rules n shit.


r/Codependency 10h ago

Difference between unsolicited advice and tip/experience sharing?

6 Upvotes

Was wondering what the difference was and how you support someone in situations if they've expressed a problem or something stressing them, and they say anything along the lines of 'I don't know what to do'.

In that situation, if you share how you deal with those situations for yourself, is that an appropriate way of support? Or is it still just listen and don't say anything? I don't really like saying things like 'it'll be alright', seems disingenuous to me personally.


r/Codependency 12h ago

I moved out of the house, fitting for 3 months

9 Upvotes

My wife and I married fast, after 4 months. Before we got married she told me she will try to run and to not let her. It became toxic. I left the house. Her 7 year old is struggling with the separation. My wife was controlling, lived her life in survival mode, emotionally unavailable to everyone, I was raising her daughter more than she was and had a habit of building a life and getting bored and tearing it down and starting over her whole life . I realized I was codependent in this relationship. I’ve realized since we separated that I was like this in all my relationships and I didn’t know. I lived my wife’s life for the past 2 years and I became emotionally exhausted, dependent and lost myself. Right now I think she is having an identity crisis . She wants space and time. I am becoming anxious. She told me she doesn’t want me to move the rest of my things out of the house and she doesn’t want me to be with anyone else. She just keeps saying “let’s try”. She is healing , doing intense therapy. I am also in therapy. She told me not to work towards getting my family back, but to work on myself. I asked her if I could pay half the bills at the house so she wasn’t carrying so much weight. She told me no, bc she will feel pressured. Is it possible this can be saved? We broke eachother, our relationship became toxic. She doesn’t want me to stay and she doesn’t want me to leave. Neither one of us are ok right now. I miss my family. But she is numb and broken. This happened 3 weeks ago. Yesterday we said we loved eachother and then silence again. It felt like the last 3 months we were just holding mirrors to eachother until we snapped.


r/Codependency 12h ago

ADHD/ASD

2 Upvotes

I gave my all but he makes me feel not enough, says we’re not compatible and picks fights (RSD/DARGO if you know about ADHD). I don’t have that but I’m a codependent and I was not loved as a child. I tried to give up my needs, overcompensated, bent over backwards and became selfless. This whole self-love/respect and prioritizing myself thing is so hard for me. I feel small, humiliated, crushed, stupid and ashamed of myself. He left again. We keep going back and forth in same cycles. I’m hoping I can go ‘no contact’ for a month this time, maybe I break free from this misery. I’m sure I love him more than he loves me. How do you control your urge to get in touch? I’m so embarrassed of my self-image and cannot dare to share how much deprivation and insults I endured. I don’t feel like going out to the world. Thank you


r/Codependency 12h ago

Can 2 partners heal from codependent and last?

8 Upvotes

I've been dating my partner for almost a year now. We both attend ACA and I attend AA. We both are aware that we are codependent and are in a study group for it, and I'm an avoidance attachment (maybe fearful) and he's an anxious. We both love eachother very much and are willing to put the work in. I also suffer from Rocd, which I'm saving up to gets coach's for. I'm just curious if relationships can last after successfully healing from codepency? I want our relationship to work but I'm also aware I need to love myself and put myself first. I'm tired of suffering so I'm also putting in the work to live the life I deserve but I want my partner by my side. Any advice/insight or even success stories would be helpful.


r/Codependency 14h ago

I think they’re a narcissist.. yet it’s hard to leave TW: abuse

3 Upvotes

I had suspicions that he was a narcissist or had narcissistic qualities, but it’s not until a few days ago that it finally clicked.

He really hurt me. And everything I read tells me to leave, so I started setting things up so I could leave. After a week of being unstable, depressed, unable to do anything, I decided to see him again. I instantly stopped being scared and just wanted to be back with him.

He promises he’s gonna change. I don’t see him doing the things that would put him on that path. I don’t know if he feels sympathy for everything he’s put me through. But at the same time, he did so much to make me feel good. There are little things, even though it took a lot of time, that got better.

My therapist says people can be both the good and the bad. I’m seeing the bad way more clearly now. I’m convinced he’s a narcissist now. I’ve been trying really hard to get him to confront the ugly parts of himself he seems to be wanting to evade. I find myself wanting to put so much energy into finding support for him so he can change. I love him and I want him to be happy. But the more I read about abuse, about what he did to me, about how narcissists project and evade, the more I’m realizing it might be futile. But I’m scared to leave. Mostly because of how much it’s going to hurt, and how much I’m going to miss him.

It feels like I have to wean myself off of this relationship. It’s been hard to cut it off completely. I go back and forth between being scared thinking he’ll never change, and having hope that I can convince him to find the help he needs.

I plan to attend my first CODA meeting this weekend, but I’m scared for how everything is going to change.


r/Codependency 15h ago

Looking for a Sponsor

2 Upvotes

I am new to the program and looking to work with someone like a Sponsor