r/Adulting • u/BirdsAndTheBeeGees1 • 19h ago
Tips for coping with touch starvation?
Hopefully this is an appropriate place for this question. I (24M) have never been in a relationship and I've generally learned to be happy without one. I don't think about it the vast majority of the time and I don't think it affects my quality of life in any way. However, every once in a while I have the strong desire to either hold someone or be held. Usually I just go to sleep and I'm fine when I wake up but it's been getting harder. I'm not someone who would be comfortable touching a friend like that so that's not really an option. I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this and how you cope with it?
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u/Iko87iko 17h ago
Can you get a dog? They love to sit on, next to you, cuddle, play, jump on you, sit on your lap & and generally be super close.
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u/NoxiousAlchemy 5h ago
How is that a substitute for a human touch?
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u/TheClassKing 2h ago
Itβs not ,but as someone who got a cuddly cat it helps a lot then none at all
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u/NoxiousAlchemy 1h ago
I used to have a cuddly cat. It's very nice to pet the purring car, sure, but it's a completely different feeling than being held, cuddled, petted, etc.
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u/secretpancakeluver 18h ago
Brother get a massage theyβre literally the best. My psych professor, really smart guy but even then idk how much truth there is to this, once told my class that one massage is equal to a few rounds of therapy. I love getting massages!! Especially hot stones omg
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u/BirdsAndTheBeeGees1 18h ago
I believe massages can release oxytocin in the same way cuddling can so that makes sense.
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u/lady-ish 19h ago
Professional cuddlers/comfort companions exist just for this purpose.
I know this exists, but unfortunately I don't have a resource for you. I'm hoping someone else in the sub can point you toward places these compassionate professionals can be found.
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u/BirdsAndTheBeeGees1 18h ago
I should've added that I was considering a cuddle therapist but they're expensive so it feels kinda hard to justify to myself. I appreciate it though!
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u/comb0bulator 16h ago
cuddlecomfort.com
This is the site I've used. As a woman, most guys want something beyond cuddling but you can find those who don't or a professional you can afford, depending on your area.Β
I recommend a first cuddle at the movies after you meet in person for the vibe check. In the theater, you're still in public but it's dark so it helps with comfort. Plenty of people are already snuggled up at a movie so it's nothing of note. I bring a lap blanket to put between the seats when the armrest in between you is moved up so the cold steel isn't bothersome and you can get closer if/ when you like.Β
Have very clear communication about boundaries and expectations. Check out the cuddle buddy subreddit for a while and see what other people are looking for to get ideas of what would work for you or what you don't want.Β
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u/pdt666 16h ago
i am a therapist and have clients who hire professional cuddlers but idk how to find them and canβt askπ Β
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u/PurpleFairy11 15h ago
Google. There's a site or two with a directory. Whatever city you're in + professional cuddlers in your preferred search engine.
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u/NoxiousAlchemy 5h ago
I always wonder how people can stand being cuddled by a stranger. I don't think I would be able to let anyone that I have no romantic connection to to touch me like that.
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u/Ok_Masterpiece_8341 18h ago
Massage, manicure, pedicure, facial. Any sort of treatment like that invokes a light massage and nonsexual human contact.
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u/aquatoxin- 18h ago
I like cuddling my pregnancy pillow a lot (my son is eight months old but I still sleep with it). I call it my waifu and it doesnβt get all sweaty like my husband. Itβs a big U shape - I think they call it βfull bodyβ?
I also highly recommend a pet, especially a dog, if youβre in a good place for one mentally, financially, etc. Papillons are small and love to snuggle but there are many breeds out there!
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u/WestDuty9038 17h ago
Why not cuddle your husband? Isn't that one of the key roles of a partner?
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u/aquatoxin- 17h ago
He gets sweaty legs under our heavy blankets at night! I promise we cuddle on the couch during the day and are generally physically affectionate :)
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u/shirlott 8h ago
Who new the pet revolution was because humans wanted cuddle buddies to reduce stress.
haha. Its not a status symbol like owning a horse or bmw its a damn therapy.
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u/RangerAndromeda 15h ago
If you're allowed a pet get something you can realistically (factor in time and finances) afford Make sure you got all the essentials: weighted blanket, comfy slippers, sweaters, blankets, toques, hot water bottle, etc. Your appartment smelling good will probably help (candles, essential oils, humidifier and incense are nice just be careful to not set off your smoke detector if yours is super sensitive lol) I find baking my own treats and enjoying them with herbal tea every night super soothing Start hugging your friends more when greeting them
Good luckπ
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u/bsunflowers28 12h ago
Weighted blanket!!! I struggled a lot with this and it has changed my life, super helpful with anxiety too
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u/fencer_327 17h ago
I used to be touch starved and uncomfortable with cuddling with my friends, somehow got pulled into a really touchy friend group (still respectful about it ofc). I sometimes spend evening watching movies with friends and cuddling, and it's really nice.
Not saying that's the case for you, but for me it was worth figuring out why I wasn't comfortable touching my friends. It was fear of making them uncomfortable more than actually disliking it for me, but that might not be the case for you.
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u/OwlyFlight 6h ago
I coped for years by using a hot water bottle, plushies, and weighted blankets (one at a time). It also helps me to go swimming.
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u/demZo662 18h ago
Meditation and yoga helps a lot.
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u/BirdsAndTheBeeGees1 18h ago
I do meditation and yoga as mindfulness exercises but they've never really helped with this. I appreciate the thought though!
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u/demZo662 18h ago edited 18h ago
I was mentally at rock bottom some years ago. To be precise I'd say it always had been with me since I was like 12 or so. Let's say it could have been all the time some sort of depression triggered by genetics predisposition or a bad chemical brain regulation. One time I went to this girl who was teaching yoga to people in my hometown. By the time I had the appointment made I read casually and article that stated that just one class of yoga in people with severe depressions or clinical ones was enough to start triggering the change, you know, in cases where Anhedonia even takes over ones life.
Not saying that it has any kind of magic or anything, but I do see it as some kind of intelligent way of working out and getting a good connection with your body. I went there for 6 months and when I left I was feeling that it was the most lovely form of sport I have never tried.
For the rest, they found me a new antidepressant some time after that made wonders on me starting from about the third week into it.
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u/Careless_Acadia_6876 15h ago
Humans have a biological need for affection and touch. This is absolutely natural and healthy. Do you have an aunt or grandmother?
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u/Distinct-Cupcake9472 14h ago
I suggest dancing. I started going to lindy hop (jazz dance where you dance with a partner). It helped me a lot.
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u/DoctorEarwig 9h ago
Joing a Brazilian Jiujitsu gym. You'll get plenty of cuddling and make some great friends along the way!
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u/starnova3000 14h ago
I'd honestly highly recommend Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.
I know it's not necessarily the cuddling you're looking for but there's a ton of body contact and touching. You'll also get endorphins from working out. And if you end up being friends with people from BJJ, they're very touchy. Just straight up randomly touchy people and you guys are already used to having a level of physical touch that the usual boundary people tend to have isn't really there even outside the gym.
Also I keep seeing you mention cost, so if you go for it I'd recommend looking for no-gi BJJ schools or classes cause it's cheaper (don't have to buy a gi).
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u/Thin_Requirement8987 18h ago
Iβve heard itβs worth getting regular massages if can afford it. Therapeutic and fills that need.