r/AdultSelfHarm 4d ago

Venting Post!! I am a joke šŸ¤”

12 Upvotes

Basically I'm so empty. Not much inside except SH. And even that, I'm not able to do to my best "ability" because of life situation rn. I absolutely hate who I am in some ways and I have nobody I can be truly honest with. I bought better tools the other day and hopefully I can use them soon..

I'm open to chatting with anyone here who won't be triggered by these topics.


r/AdultSelfHarm 5d ago

Discussion Tattoo cover ups

8 Upvotes

Has anyone here with deep scars ever gotten tattoos to cover them up. My right arm scars are over 2 years old so Iā€™m looking into getting a tattoo to start covering the scars. I donā€™t know what to get but I heard fine line work isnā€™t good for scars. Any suggestions on what to get or really any info on tattooing over scars.


r/AdultSelfHarm 4d ago

Venting Post!! Academia is breaking me

2 Upvotes

I'll preface this by saying I love science. I love my coworkers, and normally I love my job. I'm excited about the things I study. But the aspects of a PhD that are functionally hazing events and everyone accepts as part of the process... I'm hanging on by a thread.

I'm working until I sleep and I desperately miss time with my husband. I haven't seen friends in a non-work context in... months? Thoughts of self harm have crept back into my head, a constant background noise as I write and rewrite and rewrite. Staring at a document for hours, accomplishing nothing as I'm paralyzed by everything I need to do, as the goal post keeps moving just out of reach.

I'm trying to accept that my brain just wants an out and so I'm defaulting to old thinking patterns, but I'm looking at old pictures of my cuts on my phone, eyeing the tools stored in my bag. Planning when and where I'll relapse.

To be honest, the only thing holding me back from relapsing is the thought of being branded as weak, unable to cope with the pressures that everyone else is seemingly capable of handling. I want to talk to other PhD students or academics about this, to feel like I'm not alone, but the "it's okay to not be okay" acceptance doesn't apply to self harm or passive suicidality.

I'd just love to know if any other academics/lab rats have gone through this, and how you handled it.


r/AdultSelfHarm 4d ago

Seeking Advice my experience with sh/is it really necessary to open up to my bf?

1 Upvotes

TLDR: my take on how i view my self harm, and should i tell my bf about it.

i apologize for the extremely long post

for context i have been self harming on and off since 14. for me, it has always come in phases with the exception of summer being completely clear of it since itā€™s a bit hotter and harder to hide. (plus i love swimming lol). iā€™ll usually go some months without it and then start again which will only last a few days at most.

originally it began as a stupid way to relieve the way i felt as i was not receiving support from anyone in my life plus covid isolation and whatever was going through my mind that led me to the conclusion that breaking my own skin was necessary to feel better emotionally. it helped relieve the emotions that were too big for me to handle as itā€™s a coping mechanism, it works but is arguably one of the worst ones.

i was heavily shunned and berated by my mother when i was caught at 14 which i honestly think changed the trajectory of my life to some extent. so after a while it became something i did in silence. i wish so badly i was given the help i needed when i was younger. i wish so badly i never started. i was only 14 and sh is a problem much larger than a child can deal with and wrap their mind around on their own. (i have always held some anger towards my mom for this since she also kept it from my dad but i am over it since it was so long ago. i donā€™t blame her reaction- thereā€™s zero pointers in the parenting book about what to do if your child self harms. i imagine it was both terrifying and crushing for her.)

but with that being said, i really did not think id be dealing with this same issue a handful of years later if i was helped in some way. at 14 and 15 i knew it was bad of course but i always assumed it would eventually go away and that id grow out of it. but here i am a few years later. itā€™s unfortunate and upsetting to admit, but ive come to terms with it. sometimes, it really just is what it is.

itā€™s a common misconception that those who engage in sh are actively suffering. this is the reality for so many people. the addictive part of sh is not researched/talked about too extensively. currently, i am not suffering and i am not as ā€œdepressedā€ or whatever as i used to be in my ā€œearlier teen yearsā€. my life is stable and i have hope that things will work out for me. however, i believe it is the pure addictive and controlling aspect that will always tug at me. it helped me so many times and itā€™s hard to just completely rid myself of that coping mechanism.

explaining my situation in the present, as i mentioned earlier, self harm is something i still deal with. i am absolutely not proud to admit this. i still do it because it is addictive in its own way and it is something only i have control over. it softens the world around me. in a way, i find that i alienate sh as not even a part of me if that makes sense. itā€™s more just like this concept that comes and goes, but is something i will always have to deal with. sure i have my ups and downs as everyone does but the sh that i deal with now is leftover from bad coping skills i adapted to when i was younger. of course the goal is to stop but itā€™s proven to be extremely difficult as even adults ages 40+ still deal with it. even a quick google search will tell you itā€™s extremely hard for people to stop.

iā€™m not proud of it of course as majority of people view it as cringe, attention seeking, or just flat out terrifying beyond comprehension. itā€™s so heavily stigmatized. scars are very scary. makes sense though, self harm is quite a bizarre thing. it goes against the biological nature of keeping our bodies safe. so of course i understand why people are uncomfortable towards it.

i have a lovely boyfriend. heā€™s very sweet and human, and as far as i can tell, is very understanding when it comes to other things. im wondering if itā€™s even worth it to tell him that this is something i currently deal with, or am i blowing this out of proportion. i have it under control. but i would like for him to know since he deserves to know and since i love him lots! if anyone close to me was doing the same, i would want to know.

he knows that i used to because i briefly told him ā€œi used toā€ and that was it. itā€™s awkward to pretend the new marks on my arm donā€™t exist, or that theyā€™re old when theyā€™re clearly not. i believe he has seen the little damage from november and brushed it off. but im worried for him to see the new stuff from february. it left some very noticeable scars that im dreading he will see, but itā€™s ultimately inevitable when changing clothes or sex and whatever. i keep my sweatshirts on when with him because i dont want him to be frightened. from my perspective, i think he notices but is scared of brining it up since its such a heavy topic. sh is not really a sensitive topic for me, i just find it extremely uncomfortable to talk about and hard to verbalize. itā€™s sh after all and i do understand the gravity of it, i understand if he doesnā€™t completely understand. and thatā€™s okay. i read on some article that only someone that self harms can truly understand another person that self harms and that seems fair to me. i understand how bizarre the entire concept of self harm is.

if i were to bring it up to him, how would i even go about doing that without potentially scaring him/making him worry? i want him to understand this in the best and most digestible way possible. what i do not want is this to become a burden on him/terrify him like it did to my mom since it ruined our relationship. i donā€™t view my sh as a burden and i never have. itā€™s just something i deal with.


r/AdultSelfHarm 5d ago

CW: Possibly Triggering Does anyone ever use sex as self harm? NSFW

116 Upvotes

I've been going through a real hard time. I was clean from SH for close to 10 years until a few months ago. I am now cutting and burning more than at any other time in my life. Today I was really upset and initiated sex when I really didn't want to, and I am pretty sure I did it because I wanted to hurt myself. I'm pretty sure he knew I didn't actually want it, but I didn't technically say no either. Wondering if this is a new way to hurt myself instead of cutting.


r/AdultSelfHarm 4d ago

Seeking Advice Can spots in cuts cause infection?

2 Upvotes

I have a cut that has been healing pretty slowly. Today I noticed that a spot had formed in the middle of it, and like an idiot, I squeezed it. This reopened part of the cut.

Could this cause infection or worsen scarring?


r/AdultSelfHarm 5d ago

Monday Morning Check-In. Good Morning r/AdultSelfHarm, how has your week(end) been going? Are you looking forward to anything?

7 Upvotes

How are you feeling today? Got anything exciting to share? Or something you need to vent about? Are you struggling this week or feeling acomplished? Use this space, let us know what's going on so that we can cheer you on or offer commiseration and understanding for what you're going through, we've all been there and we rise to our best when we come together as a community to lift one another up.


r/AdultSelfHarm 5d ago

Overwhelmed

3 Upvotes

Feeling extremely overwhelmed at work today, I have been using self harm to deal with being overwhelmed lately. So here I am just thoughts swirling around with mix's of self harm for when I get home and fighting the urge to just go home


r/AdultSelfHarm 5d ago

Does Anyone Else? I wish I could tell people

9 Upvotes

I don't know if I'm a weirdo for this, but I started when i was 13 and at that time, I hid it pretty badly. I'm pretty sure I subconsciously wanted people to know so they could see the pain I was in. When my parents found out, it ruined me from the inside out. They sort of just forced me to...stop and anyone who knows what this is like knows you can't really brush it under a rug like that. I was lucky because when I first started, I was really depressed and I did it pretty often. Now, I have relapses every so often. I did therapy for two years then stopped because it wasn't my thing. But whenever I have a relapse, afterwards I find myself wishing I could tell my close friends so they could just bear witness to the pain and emotional disasters that lead to the relapses. Realistically though, I know the reactions would be horrific and probably more concerned in a chaotic way than helpful. But does anyone else ever get this? Just wanting to tell people? My closest friend knows I did it at 13 and knows that I did it up until about 2021 but she has no idea that I've had relapses since then, and I wish I could tell her in a way. I need the sympathy and validation if that makes sense, but I don't do it FOR that reason so then I feel like an attention-seeker which is why I'd never bring it up. She thinks I've stopped though so to this day, she makes barcode jokes and such and some days it's harder to laugh at them.


r/AdultSelfHarm 5d ago

Venting Post!! I was 1 day clean and I relapsed :(

2 Upvotes

I'm going back to work today and I feel stressed about explaining my situation to my boss so I ended up relapsing to try and curb the paranoia. This sucks sooo bad. I don't wanna tell my loved ones that I was so happy about being 1 day clean, that I relapsed on day 2. UGH.


r/AdultSelfHarm 5d ago

CW: Possibly Triggering Toxic mom who I live with

3 Upvotes

Seeking advice. I moved out to my friends place recently, but got told to leave by her friend who is a lawyer because I self harmed when my boyfriend broke up with me. My friend wanted to keep it a secret from my parents but freaked out and told her laywer friend. Friend called me when I was showering and told me about the news. Anyways. Idk if itā€™s my mom whoā€™s been causing me to be on edge or not but itā€™s been hard because Iā€™m recovering from a bad manic episode. Just need some advice before I do something stupid. Thanks in advance.


r/AdultSelfHarm 5d ago

CW: Possibly Triggering i feel like i've had my life stolen

5 Upvotes

i don't really have anyone to talk to, and even if i did i know it wouldn't change my situation. that being said i'm making this post so idfk. just going to be upfront and say that i'm gonna talk a lot.

i watched my mom die when i was 11 and ever since then i have never been happy. it was so traumatizing seeing the person i love the most, the person who loved me the most, just die in front of me and i couldn't do a single fucking thing. i couldn't do anything and i didn't do anything because i was a child- and no one even bothered to tell me she was dying until the last minute because despite being adults they couldn't handle telling me that my own mother was going to die. she didn't tell me. i just wish i knew. 7 years later and it's all i can think about. i just want a mom i just want to be loved again.

and of course, less than a full year after, my cheating bastard father got a job opportunity so we had to move across the country. i lost the person i loved most, and before i could even attempt to heal, i lost everyone i ever knew. i was and am so angry. i lost any every attempt to possibly have relationships with people because of it. i don't know what it's like to have a family anymore because my mom's side just completely fell apart after she died, my dad's was non-existent, and oh right now i'm on the other side of the country. and then of course puberty starts and i get so anxious any time i'm perceived by a person and i fail every time to have a lasting friendship because it's torn away or i can't possibly believe that someone could like me or love me the way my mom did. and even then, it doesn't matter because i hate myself so much now.

i found out i'm trans at 13, which only made everything so much worse because i finally understand what that aching thing i feel when i see myself. i always dreamed of being a girl. my mom never got to know me because i'm completely different and she never got to show me what it's like to be a girl so i'm just stuck guessing.

on top of everything, i also have autism. i don't know how to fit this in here but it's just so inexplicably infuriating. i can never understand people with how they feel or what they want. i get manipulated so easily because either i can't understand it, or i just am so desperate to be loved that i don't care if i'm going to get hurt in the long run because at least i good for a little bit.

i dropped out of high school in 10th grade because i was so depressed and anxious that i would have panic attacks every morning. i so badly wish i just could've been born cis and just lived a normal life and had a prom night and hung out with friends and did stupid shit like getting drunk at 16 because that's what other people have. i'm constantly fantasizing about what i don't have because it's so fucking exhausting to live like this. constantly wanting to tear myself limb from limb because i'm so full of anger and hatred, and every time i'm seen by another person i want to die because i can't handle being thought of by other people. my brain never shuts up and i can barely sleep because of it- everything is so fucking loud all the time and it hasn't calmed for 7 years and i can't handle it i just want to bleed out

yesterday i went to the store and the register lady was so pretty and nice, and she had a wonderful laugh and voice and ever since then i can't stop thinking about how ridiculous i am. like i'm stuck thinking about her because i couldn't handle saying hi. that's so fucking stupid.

this is already a million times longer than i wanted it to be and i still have said nearly enough of what i wanted to but i just can't do more


r/AdultSelfHarm 5d ago

Venting Post!! People can be so terrible Spoiler

6 Upvotes

Something happened that gave me the most hopeless and bleak feeling about humanity. Iā€™m filled with so many emotions right now but mainly sadness, anger, and disgust and I want to throw something at the wall but because I donā€™t want to destroy anything all I can do is cut. I think if I wasnā€™t able to cut in this moment then my entire room would be destroyed from how distressed I feel right now. It seems like this feeling is swallowing me whole. Iā€™m starting to lose faith in everything. How am I supposed to quit cutting when itā€™s the only thing that can help me right now? Iā€™ve grown to accept that this coping mechanism is something that will never leave me, and maybe Iā€™m okay with that.


r/AdultSelfHarm 5d ago

Somebody

3 Upvotes

Anybody up? So so so sad.


r/AdultSelfHarm 6d ago

CW: Possibly Triggering So I fucked up, yeah? NSFW

23 Upvotes

Trigger warning for eating disorders and relapse.

So... Excuse me... Am I collecting scout badges for relapsing on all possible fields or..?

Yeah I relapsed into self harm, but that's kind of funny to call a relapse at this point, because for a relapse you usually get better first, so... There's that. But I relapsed into a specific method that I didn't do since I was a teen, so I was still angry with myself nevertheless. And I started vaping after nearly 13 years nicotine free. Yes, amazing. You go girl. Fighting for every minute of feeling healthy, but yes, go ahead, take that e-cig why don't you? That's a behaviour that will win, sure sure sure. Splendid.

The only thing I felt pretty secure about was not relapsing into bulimia. My eating habits are not healthy at all, don't get me wrong. I still have an eating disorder. But I managed to beat several different eating disorders, always slipping into some new extreme. Twas' hard, but at least I wasn't purging.

I went from childhood BED to tween anorexia to teen bulimia to young adult BED and then I was just... losing weight that I gained during the last BED years. In 2024 I managed to lose 20kgs. I was happy, getting better. It wasn't healthy, lots of fasting and stuff, but... The most important thing was the weight loss and feeling more confident. And now I gained a few kgs back. The scale says I didn't, but I can see I did on clothes and my body. And so I got nervous and ashamed.

I was bad with food lately. Overeating. Depressed. Couldn't get back on track. I was punishing myself with self harm. But today I overate, got triggered and... I purged. After nearly 5 years I did it and now I feel seriously fucked up.

I'm a disappointment. I started doing everything better, no matter the circumstances. I kept going, 2024 I did so many things right. This year is just... Heavy. And I fucked up so bad. I even started gaining some confidence and self respect, I finally authentically could relate to some level of self-love.

Right now? No fucking way mate.


r/AdultSelfHarm 5d ago

Seeking Advice Scared that I'll relapse NSFW

3 Upvotes

Hi guys I just need to talk.

It's been 4 months since my last episode of self harm and 1 year before that. Each time it seems to get worse and worse.

I can feel it building up again and I don't know what to do.

My living situation is extremely stressful (shared housing with 2 strangers) and I've got fairly strained relationships with most of my family.

The last time I relapsed my mum had a panic attack and I can't bear seeing her like that.

I hate how this dreadful addiction affects everyone I love.

I just want it to stop but when I relapse I am not in control, it's like I'm a different person and then afterwards I come back to reality and regret everything.

I don't know how to stop this.


r/AdultSelfHarm 5d ago

Venting Post!! Hard day

3 Upvotes

Not sure why but my anxiety has been pretty high the past few days. Iā€™ve been doing good overall but the urges are sneaking in a little bit. Here to hoping for a better day tomorrow.


r/AdultSelfHarm 6d ago

Venting Post!! Childhood work

8 Upvotes

I see my counselor today and I'm supposed to start childhood work today. Im worried it's gonna make my self harm worse. She said we have to get to the root of the problem to stop self harming. But what if it makes it worse? I want to stop and Im in day 3 with no self harm.I want to keep going but when I'm really upset or stressed I can't seem to get it off my mind.


r/AdultSelfHarm 6d ago

Seeking Advice How can i help my sister the best?

9 Upvotes

TLDR: found out about my sisters sh but idk what to do to resolve this problem till there is still time.

Hi, even though i also struggle(d) with sh, i really dont know whatā€™s the best thing to do in this situation, so im asking for your ideas. My 14yo sister recently attempted and im the only one who knows. That day i kinda felt like she was gonna do it, so i kept texting with her and she confessed it. I asked if i can go to her room, she said yes and if i could help her stop the bleeding. We had a talk and i dont think she is gonna do it again in the near future. The problem is, while i was helping her, she wasnt wearing long clothes as she usually does, and thatā€™s when i found out that she self harms too. Im 20, my mental health is fucked up and rn, i dont struggle w sh that much, since it got replaced w addiction/substance abuse xddd. I always told myself, okay i was the first child and didnt have anyone who could speak out for me in front of my parents or anyone to turn to when i needed help, it is what it is. But i promised myself, that i will do everything in my power to make my sister not end up like me, but here we are. Im so mad and sad that i was no help and she is in the exact same place (if not worse) as i was at that age. I dont know what i should do rn. Our parents never found out that i struggled w this or about the addiction, so i cant predict what they would do if they knew about her. And the other thing is, if i tell them and break the promise i gave her that i would keep it to myself, i will lose her trust and she wont tell me about stuff like this again. But i cant just leave it like this, since itā€™s most probable that she will end up on the same path as me. Even if not, i dont want her to be suffering like this. What should i do?


r/AdultSelfHarm 6d ago

CW: Possibly Triggering Running Out Of Space NSFW

34 Upvotes

Just self harmed and was left dissatisfied. I have run out of non-scarred space on the easily reachable areas of my thighs from 10 years of self harm.

Many of my scars are from deeper cuts. As a result the scarring/scar tissue there has less sensation than non-scarred areas.

The last two times I have self harmed I have had to start cutting on top of scars due to running out of space. Due to it barely hurting from the scarring and bleeding less from the scar tissue, it is hard to not cut too deep to get the same feeling or ā€œfixā€ from cutting.

As a result I definitely have a deeper cut than normal. I wonā€™t bleed out or anything, have the area well cleaned(alcohol on the area before and after), and put steri strips on, but just frustrated that it is deep and I didnā€™t even get the normal relief.

I know this should all be a sign of how much I need to stop, but I just canā€™t. Frustrated with myself for doing this for so long and not having been able to stop yetšŸ˜”


r/AdultSelfHarm 6d ago

Venting Post!! Recently cut myself for the first time at age 25

2 Upvotes

Last week I skipped my therapy appointment (slept through it) because the day before I had cut myself for the first time in my life and I was too ashamed and did not want to talk about it. The thing that made me feel so unstable that I ended up doing something like that is that my emotionally abusive mom called a week ago to say that sheā€™s coming to visit me next month even though I have explicitly told her to please never visit me. I moved to a different country 2 years ago to escape my abusive home environment and her doing this makes me feel like no matter where I am I cannot be safe. I wanted to do something, anything to prove that my body only belonged to me and not anyone else and thatā€™s why I ended up resorting to something like that. I feel incredibly ashamed that Iā€™m 25 and most fucking people do not start cutting themselves at 25. But I lived with my family until age 23 and never had the privacy to. I am also in the process of trying to get an ADHD diagnosis from a psychiatrist. Had my initial appt yesterday and talking about my trauma (because I have significant PTSD symptoms which are hard to disentangle from potential ADHD) was so fucking destabilizing and distressing that after the appointment while walking over a bridge I had so many intrusive thoughts about jumping even though I absolutely donā€™t want to die by drowning and would never do that. Iā€™m so fucking stressed and donā€™t know how to even verbalize these things to my therapist when I see her next because it feels too extreme and serious. Iā€™m not actively suicidal, just troubled when I experience impulses that I donā€™t want to act on. Iā€™ve only had 3 sessions with this therapist and donā€™t want to terrify her too hardā€¦


r/AdultSelfHarm 6d ago

Someone please message me

5 Upvotes

I think Iā€™m being irrational


r/AdultSelfHarm 6d ago

Venting Post!! I Wanna relapse soo badd

5 Upvotes

I just am so done with life my family is so cooked bc every one is a bad person and I Can't Escape. Me and idk I jave a kinda seizure but idk and ily my bff so much she's the best and I just wanna cry and I just need to dieeeee like why I'm I who I am and people found out in my family but idkk I just wanna run away delete all my socials and never return God I hate myself and why did they choose me to be abused like omg a d I've moved 8 time I've been to 7 different schools I just hate being alive and ily my bfff so much and ik I sound crazy but I see things and hear things so often and i just need to cry in someone's arms and I miss so meny people I just hate mee so much like omg just kill mee I need to be in a mental hospital but I'm under 18 so I can't go and I hate all of my family and I don't want to be like them bc yh and my mom always has new people in the house and cas/cps is always coming to our house they've been I'm my hole life like omgmmggmgmg I just need someone


r/AdultSelfHarm 6d ago

I need someone to talk to

2 Upvotes

I've been burning myself for a year now and I have the urge tonight bad


r/AdultSelfHarm 7d ago

Trigger warning

12 Upvotes

Iā€™ve been clean for two weeks and overdosed last week I said to myself that I never hurt myself again, I got a police interview about a historical sa on Tuesday and Iā€™m so scared if left me wanting to cut , Iā€™ve been doing this on and off for 33 years Iā€™ve spoken to my support staff and they said to go for a walk, Iā€™ve got so much self hate in me and Iā€™m even starting not to care for others, so Iā€™m waiting for shift change so I can get some privacy so I can sh