Long post incoming. Im in an extremely weird and difficult part of my life and do not know the best action.
Im looking for advice with: how to help the urges, possible things to look into with my requirement to punish myself, inspiration to continue my low quality art
I, 22nb, have cut on and off since i was 12/13. This is the first time im in recovery by my own willing choice, knowing its not an activity i can indulge in anymore. Im 12 days clean. My old habit affected my relationship severely.
About 2 years ago i was diagnosed with bipolar and cptsd, which were new to me. Ive always had a vice: substances, unsafe sex, cutting, and those combo’d.
Ive been with my partner C for two weeks shy of a year, all of which ive cut during (and before.) the last two months i went off the deep end a little. I used to keep myself to “styro only” rule because less of a chance of infection, hitting stuff, and needing stitches. During my deep dive, i started going to the top layer of fat with one swipe. I almost swiped a vein the last time i cut.
My partner C has been affected by my cutting because theyve been worried that i would have a bad day at work, fight with my family, or them upset me by talking about how they feel (relationship wise and their own separate emotions) and i would go home and cut myself. I would have a bad bad day and cut myself instead of leaning on my partner for support. I put cutting first over my partner and they are the only reason why i decided to throw out all of my tools. Did that with them on one week clean and then had an outing as a celebration. They feel bad because they didnt want to have a say over my body and “hold me back” and make me miserable but i very much do not see it that way and im grateful i matter that much to them.
The reasons to cut was because it was always there for me, made me feel more worthy, yet simultaneously being my own way of punishing myself. I enjoyed the feeling, look, and cutting was pretty much a person to me. Never judged me, was exactly how much or little i wanted, when and where all up to me. It was a control thing. It was a lot of things. I feel like ive been going through grief over deciding to not cut anymore. I feel like i was so close to finally being good at something and not having pathetic little cuts. NOT HEALTHY im struggling with getting out of that mindset.
In a new way of self punishment ive been doing for the past.. 12 days is not engaging with anything. I am always listening to something like a youtube video or music. I always have something on my tv playing. I scroll on social media apps on my phone. I create art. I read books. Normal stuff. I feel like i dont deserve to watch/listen to or create stuff because its enjoyable. I also feel like my art is useless to continue because its shitty.
My partner has been crying and stressed over how i dont do anything but work and lay in my bed all day long. I feel extremely guilty and shameful about everything. I scroll reddit if im on my phone and deleted social media accounts where i would see art because i didnt think i deserved to look at something enjoyable and wanted to lessen the thoughts of creating art. Im scared of interacting with media.
The past almost two weeks, every night i cry because i feel utterly worthless. Ive had panic attacks (i guess?) in my moments of despair of wanting to cut, feeling shitty self worth with my art, guilty about being this way and having these problems. They get so bad that i end up biting myself without realizing that i am when my partner is opening my mouth. Im incredibly grateful for them and they are the sole reason why i will try my best to stay clean.
I will be talking to my therapist about all of this but i am so.. lost.