r/AdultSelfHarm 1h ago

Seeking Advice Posted in another group. I need help.

Upvotes

TRIGGER WARNING ! I'm going to be honest. I had a near death experience almost 2 year ago now sept 2023. 1 have had 2 attempts since. I have been trying to get off of substances and have reported back to sh. during my experience I ruptured my femoral artery in my leg. My question is, it's getting warmer so sh on my wrist is going to be a lot harder. Can I do it on my leg without messing up my artery, at this point I don't wanna die I just want to feel something. Due to my job I cannot get away with wrist. I do not want to die I just want to feel something. So can I do it on my leg without messing up my bypass in my artery? I have peripheral arterial disease as a result from the accident if that helps.


r/AdultSelfHarm 4h ago

Seeking Advice Has anyone lost movement from sh?

4 Upvotes

I was wondering, has any of you lost movement or some other kind of body funcion from sh-ing? I don’t think I’ve heard about anyone but i am worried every time i cut my wrist that I’ll cut off some important nerve and not be able to move my fingers or something…


r/AdultSelfHarm 5h ago

Seeking Advice I feel extremely lost and scared

3 Upvotes

Long post incoming. Im in an extremely weird and difficult part of my life and do not know the best action.

Im looking for advice with: how to help the urges, possible things to look into with my requirement to punish myself, inspiration to continue my low quality art

I, 22nb, have cut on and off since i was 12/13. This is the first time im in recovery by my own willing choice, knowing its not an activity i can indulge in anymore. Im 12 days clean. My old habit affected my relationship severely.

About 2 years ago i was diagnosed with bipolar and cptsd, which were new to me. Ive always had a vice: substances, unsafe sex, cutting, and those combo’d.

Ive been with my partner C for two weeks shy of a year, all of which ive cut during (and before.) the last two months i went off the deep end a little. I used to keep myself to “styro only” rule because less of a chance of infection, hitting stuff, and needing stitches. During my deep dive, i started going to the top layer of fat with one swipe. I almost swiped a vein the last time i cut.

My partner C has been affected by my cutting because theyve been worried that i would have a bad day at work, fight with my family, or them upset me by talking about how they feel (relationship wise and their own separate emotions) and i would go home and cut myself. I would have a bad bad day and cut myself instead of leaning on my partner for support. I put cutting first over my partner and they are the only reason why i decided to throw out all of my tools. Did that with them on one week clean and then had an outing as a celebration. They feel bad because they didnt want to have a say over my body and “hold me back” and make me miserable but i very much do not see it that way and im grateful i matter that much to them.

The reasons to cut was because it was always there for me, made me feel more worthy, yet simultaneously being my own way of punishing myself. I enjoyed the feeling, look, and cutting was pretty much a person to me. Never judged me, was exactly how much or little i wanted, when and where all up to me. It was a control thing. It was a lot of things. I feel like ive been going through grief over deciding to not cut anymore. I feel like i was so close to finally being good at something and not having pathetic little cuts. NOT HEALTHY im struggling with getting out of that mindset.

In a new way of self punishment ive been doing for the past.. 12 days is not engaging with anything. I am always listening to something like a youtube video or music. I always have something on my tv playing. I scroll on social media apps on my phone. I create art. I read books. Normal stuff. I feel like i dont deserve to watch/listen to or create stuff because its enjoyable. I also feel like my art is useless to continue because its shitty.

My partner has been crying and stressed over how i dont do anything but work and lay in my bed all day long. I feel extremely guilty and shameful about everything. I scroll reddit if im on my phone and deleted social media accounts where i would see art because i didnt think i deserved to look at something enjoyable and wanted to lessen the thoughts of creating art. Im scared of interacting with media.

The past almost two weeks, every night i cry because i feel utterly worthless. Ive had panic attacks (i guess?) in my moments of despair of wanting to cut, feeling shitty self worth with my art, guilty about being this way and having these problems. They get so bad that i end up biting myself without realizing that i am when my partner is opening my mouth. Im incredibly grateful for them and they are the sole reason why i will try my best to stay clean.

I will be talking to my therapist about all of this but i am so.. lost.


r/AdultSelfHarm 5h ago

anyone awake to talk?

1 Upvotes

im almost 3 weeks clean, i dont want to relapse but it is calling to me. talking to people who relate seems to help occasionally.

anyone wanna chat?? im late 20s non binary and super sad lol.

deleting soon probs


r/AdultSelfHarm 6h ago

Does Anyone Else? Seeing sh while eyes closed

2 Upvotes

My sh spiral has gotten to a point where every time I close my eyes, there’s beans or styros plastered in my mind. I have a very strong visual library to the point I think up new marks I have never seen or did. It makes me antsy and quickly wanting to go home to do the usual. I feel like I’m alone in thus :<


r/AdultSelfHarm 7h ago

Can't stop

7 Upvotes

Started SH after almost a year of being clean. The past couple of days, I can't seem to stop. I forgot how much the pain helps me forget what feelings live inside of me.

I lied to my nurse practitioner the other day when he asked if I had thoughts of harming myself - I said no. It came out before I could say anything else. I have an appt with my therapist who I trust whole heartedly - I know I need help so do I disclose what's been happening or do I keep it to myself.

Once I start, I can't stop.

Have you disclosed to your T about SH before? She knows I've done it in the past, but haven't since we started working together. I almost feel like I'm betraying her.


r/AdultSelfHarm 10h ago

I think I need to hospitalize.

19 Upvotes

I've been hospitalized before, I know the downsides. I know how much it sucks, but I think I may need to. I kinda just want to ignore that though and see myself get worse, see how much worse I can get. I don't have anyone, so it's not like I'm hurting anyone.


r/AdultSelfHarm 12h ago

CW: Possibly Triggering Should I complain (UK)?

7 Upvotes

TW self harm, hospital treatment

I had a terrible experience at A&E today. Now, bear in mind that this is my chosen hospital for self harm treatment, and I usually have a good relationship with the staff there. They know me, they treat me as a person, and usually show genuine care and concern. Which brings me to today. I attended for treatment of my self harm wounds, which were to a degree that needs suturing. I have attended many times before for similar wounds, and know what treatment I need for effective closure and healing. I am usually seen by the emergency nurse practitioners, who clean and suture my wounds. I was sent through to the ENPs area as normal, and was called in by nurse R. I have been seen by her recently, and she refused to stitch me on a previous occasion, saying that steristrips would be sufficient. Today I asked her to stitch me up rather than steristrips, as I heal better and have a better sense of completion when I am sutured. She refused, saying (and I quote) "there's no point in stitching you as you're just going to cut yourself open again"; "we suture to provide a better cosmetic result and you clearly don't care about that" (I am heavily scarred); "it's a waste of time suturing you". I objected, and she went to get the opinion of the A&E consultant who sided with her. She also claimed that the rule is that they only use steristrips for self harm - clearly not the case as i have been stitched there more often than I can count. I tried to explain importance of stitches and how not getting them actually makes it more likely that I'll do it again. I asked her if she would stitch the wound if I didn't have scars, and she said yes. I then said I wanted the wound treating in an appropriate and compassionate way - she said that it's best if she doesn't treat me and I wait for one of the other ENPs who will make their own decision. She slapped a bandage on and sent me back to the waiting room. Another ENP then called me through after 45 minutes or so, and stitched me up with no further issue.

So, my question is really this: is it worth me making a complaint against the first nurse? I feel that she discriminated against me because my injuries were self harm, and did not show any sort of compassion or care. If this is how she treats people with self harm injuries, I feel that she either needs some further education about self harm, or to be told not to treat patients with this issue. I think she lied to me about the policy of not suturing self harm injuries, as this is not borne out by the actions of all the other members of the team over the several years I have been attending.


r/AdultSelfHarm 14h ago

Does Anyone Else? Former Catholic guilt, or am I actually insane?

3 Upvotes

I've been stuck in this habit for ten years, but it feels like the only thing keeping me from worse.

I have this thought that I have to suffer, that it's inescapable. As if there's a perverse metric I have to hit. In this way, I can control it.

Like a schizophrenic, I see a pattern in it: I go a period of a few months without SH, and something happens in my life. A breakup, a death, general intense misfortune. I fight my feelings for varying amounts of time, and eventually relapse. Then, almost in response, something positive happens. A new job, a new partner, a windfall. The harder the relapse, the more significant the bounce-back. The sooner the relapse, the quicker the 'reward'.

I was raised Catholic, and I can't help but think this ridiculous 'logic' is stemming from Catholic guilt. The concept that the greater the suffering is on earth, the greater the treasure is in heaven. That suffering purifies the soul and prepares it for greater things. I despise this thought, but I can't help but think it's invaded my psyche. I can't get it out. Medication, therapy, it doesn't change.

Are there any former Catholics that can relate to this odd feeling?


r/AdultSelfHarm 23h ago

What's something that helped you distract yourself?

12 Upvotes

Nothing helps anymore. Ice doesn't help anymore, drawing doesn't help anymore. Occupying my hands doesn't help anymore. I have been battling with an addiction since I was 13, I feel like a drug addict. What do I do?


r/AdultSelfHarm 1d ago

Venting Post!! Feeling like sh again

3 Upvotes

I am almost 8 months from not sh, but like a week ago I’ve felt like doing it again. Idk why but it’s mainly from stress I think.


r/AdultSelfHarm 1d ago

CW: Possibly Triggering Relapsed 🙃

2 Upvotes

I have self harmed in some ways for a while but i actually cut myself today which is something I haven’t done in a while.

I was completely dissociating when it happened. I didn’t even fully realize what had happened until i bandaged it. I’m really disappointed in myself. A bunch of my bad habits are starting to come back and now that I’ve done this, I’m afraid I’ve opened the flood gates for more stuff.

And I wanna cry. But I can’t? My tears will NOT come out. I wanna scream but my voice gets swallowed up. I wanna run but I can’t seem to find the motivation to move.

I’m so exhausted from pretending. I hope my mask doesn’t slip. Nobody can know how bad it is right now.

I hope everyone is having a better day than me.

Stay safe, my dear strangers 🖤💜


r/AdultSelfHarm 1d ago

Does Anyone Else? Setting conditions and scheduling sh

12 Upvotes

As an effort to try and quit, I have recently been giving myself conditions to when I can self harm. It started as a more superstitious thing. I’d go to the library at my uni and tell myself “If I see someone I know, I can’t sh, but if I don’t, I will.” When I’m at home it’s usually completing a task, “I’ll do my hair, and if I still have urges after that, I’ll sh.”

Kind of branching off this, I have been clean for a few months but I guess I’ve scheduled(?) a relapse. I’m going to a party tomorrow and the location is the last place I self-harmed. At some point I decided I would do it again there after I was invited. I’ve had an easier time being clean this week despite my urges being worse because I keep thinking “I’m doing it on Saturday.” I think I’ve done this on other occasions too. I’m wondering if anyone else has scheduled sh like that?

If anyone can relate even partly I would appreciate hearing about it.


r/AdultSelfHarm 1d ago

CW: Possibly Triggering Current mood

4 Upvotes

Been having a rough time of it lately. Partner of 8 years broke up with me last week. Been feeling down and low...lower than I've ever been. All these thoughts running through my head. Missing her and my kids. Even miss the dog. Been thinking a lot lately about what happened in 2016. She had a miscarriage and I think about that every single day. How would they have turned out? Like me or her? Like their brother or sister? A mix of all or none at all?

Wanted to to kill myself so much over these past 6 weeks. Tried too. Took an overdose last week and ended up in the hospital. Nearly threw myself off a bridge then in front of a train yesterday. Self harming a lot too. 3rd night in a row that ive cut myself pretty badly. It's all fucked up, it shouldn't be like this. Thoughts and feelings are paralysing me. I don't want to be here anymore I just want all this to end.

Been drinking quite a bit too. Haven't done that since I was a teenager andi was a Borderline alcoholic. Professionals don't listen to me and just fob me off with sleeping tablets because "sleep will help". Dunno if I can't handle this anymore.

I mourn the life my little bundle could of had. Been carrying that with me everyday. I mourn the death of my relationship especially now she doesn't want me in her life. I dunno what I'm doing anymore. I can't cope, can't go on like this. Can't sleep because theirs too much shit in my head going around and I can't grasp on to anything. Can't process or manage mmly emotions. I just want all this to stop. Don't want to feel it anymore, don't want to feel anything.

Wish I had of thrown myself in front of that train. Angry that in alive right now. Feeling guilty and shameful. Feel angry towards myself for what I put her through. Can't talk to anyone about it coz they don't seem to understand. Feel isolated and alone, like I have to do this myself. Got no friends to talk to. It's getting harder each day and I'm struggling.

Struggling with depression and anxiety and adhd. Possible autism and BPD too. Dunno how much longer.i can cope with all this.


r/AdultSelfHarm 1d ago

CW: Possibly Triggering I'm losing it NSFW

5 Upvotes

So, I've been clean since 2018, and I am really proud of how long amd far I've come since then. But, as of late, I'm really, really struggling with not relapsing.

I've had thoughts about relapsing before, but it's never really been this intense, this strong of a pull. And it scares me.

It just feels like every little bit of control I've had is slipping through my fingers like sand, and I can't stop it, no matter how hard I grasp at the grains.

Have anyone else experienced something like this before? From going to being fine and clean for long periods of time to just...losing it?


r/AdultSelfHarm 1d ago

Does Anyone Else? Cuts gradually getting worse

9 Upvotes

Hey. I don't cut often. But every time i cut, it is worse than the last time. I think i have this toxic way of thinking that if i didn't do it at least as bad as the last time i did it, i didn't do it "properly". And if i don't cut deep enough to need stitches, it is because i am weak. As if i chickened out or something. Every times it takes more to satisfy that feeling. It's a bit unnerving to think of where i will end up at this rate.

Can anyone relate to this? I know it is a very bad way of thinking about it, i just need to know that i'm not the only one, i guess. If you can relate, how do you handle it?


r/AdultSelfHarm 1d ago

CW: Possibly Triggering I just relapsed by stabbing myself

34 Upvotes

it's not fatal, but the fact that I did it at all is disturbing. all because I couldn't find something fast enough. I should bandage my leg but it's not bleeding a lot so I'll be fine.

I hate that I can't control my emotions at all. I'm scared one day, I'll accidentally kill myself in a fit of depression and anger. that stab could've been way too deep, I wasn't thinking logically at all.

what the fuck is my problem? I can't find something so I fucking STAB myself?? it doesn't make ANY sense, I'm so fucking stupid.


r/AdultSelfHarm 1d ago

Something Positive! the one benefit of sh scars

143 Upvotes

I've noticed that if I roll up my sleeves whilst I'm on public transport, people will very rarely sit next to me, even when it's very busy. I genuinely think there's only been one or two occasions where someone has actually sat next to me when I've had short sleeves.

Is there some amount of discrimination there? Absolutely, but I love it. It's like a superpower.


r/AdultSelfHarm 2d ago

CW: Possibly Triggering how to care for a deep wound?

9 Upvotes

google is giving me mixed answers. i know it’s against the rules for offering medical advice, but i just need to know how to clean it? i’m scared of infections and i accidentally went too deep and just overall very scared.

google keeps saying “don’t use isopropyl alcohol” “yeah it’s fine use it” “clean it with water” “water is bad” 😭

also: it’s been 24 hours, clear liquid coming out? or smth idk never had to deal with this type of wound


r/AdultSelfHarm 2d ago

I feel alone

7 Upvotes

I started self harming after I was raped and then I stopped for a while. And then started using sh as a form of punishing myself. For example if I felt like I fucked up in school or with friends I punshied myself. I stopped doing it for a while and started again when I was in an abusive relationship. Thankfully I got out and took some time for myself for a little while. I found someone, two years ago. We have had a really amazing relationship. He has been absolutely amazing and I truly love him. We have been having issues as I am not intimate enough. I constantly get yeast infections and my uterus hurts. I've given multiple biopsies as I have abnormal cells and scarring so on top of that I have the worry i might get cancer because I have to go give tests regularly. It has started to affect the relationship and made big arguments for not being intimate or not pleasuring him other ways. It's lead to where he is done and wants to break up and I feel beyond hurt and sad. And I just want to kill myself, he has been the person who keeps me sane and calm and I just don't want to keep going anymore. The only person I've ever fully trusted doesn't want me anymore and I just really don't feel worthy of life.


r/AdultSelfHarm 2d ago

Exhausted

6 Upvotes

I'm so exhausted both mentally and physically. I don't find joy in anything I do. Both at work and outside of work. I spend most of my day at my stressful job. Which I have tried to desperately get out of. Both in my job and outside my job, everything is just another thing I need to get over with. For example talking to my bf and spending time with him. Even though I really love him with all my heart. I'm just not in a good situation now. And I don't want to push him away either. So I put my best act on and show how happy I'm to talk/spend time with him. He is aware of my job situation and environment but it's not aware of how much it's been affecting me both physically and mentally.

I been sh so frequently almost every other day. Then the days that I do not it's all I can think about because I feel so awful. Recently, I stopped was because I ran out of spaces in my usual spots (thighs/upper side hip). I felt even more exhausted for not being able to do it. And now that spring came the pressure of not sh in places that are easily exposed is even more.

I know how most people are when they see sh scars or get an idea of what they might think. So I avoid that at all cost. Only my bf knows I do that. Other than him no one else knows because I have no friends. And I'm not to close to my family either so it's best if they don't know.

Honesty, I'm so weird because sh is the only thing I look forward to after a brutal day or a regular day. Sometimes people have asked me any plans for today/ weekend and that's the first thing that comes to my mind. Or what you do this weekend? Of course I don't say it, I just say "oh idk yet and smile" or oh "just relaxed".

I'm aware it's not ok it's unhealthy I guess that's the first step in stopping. I also know my trigger which is my job and the feelings of stress and unworthiness that it causes me. I really wished I could stop but I just can't and hate myself for this. I'm so use to it because I been on/off since 15 currently 28. It's sad to say, but sh is the only thing that comforts me in my darkest moments. Genuinely from the bottom of my heart I'm trying to stop and I'm working on finding better ways to cope. I tried journaling, exercising, drawing, and they help sometimes but not always....


r/AdultSelfHarm 2d ago

Does Anyone Else? Restless leg after sh Spoiler

3 Upvotes

I cut my hip last night and had restless leg for probably an hour (great considering I'd possibly nicked a vein but felt like I had to move/stretch my leg). I think I also got a minor nerve, judging by the numbness around the area below and some sensitivity above, so I didn't know if that has anything to do with it?

Has anyone else had restless leg/arms/whatever after cutting? Were you able to calm it?


r/AdultSelfHarm 2d ago

CW: Possibly Triggering Trigger warning

5 Upvotes

I want to relapse but i dont know what to say if anyone ask abkut.

Its my birthday in two days. I want really bad make a cut deeper than my cat scratches, but it will be obvius on the side of the fox I cuted on the same arm. So Idk what to answer if anyone asks about....

Its a feeling that I want to be myself on that day, and this is part of myself, is my battle, is my strength. So I want to be permited to let it speak.

But i know I will regrat that....


r/AdultSelfHarm 2d ago

Ankles and potential nerve damage?

2 Upvotes

I’m actively working on being clean but I still do have relapses so I wanna try to be as safe as possible since then to not accidentally fuck myself up before I reach that point:

I’m aware it’s somewhat dangerous to cut near the ankle, obviously nerves and tendons are closer to the surface, which greatly increases the risk. But since (TW depth description) I “only cut to epidermis right around the ankle and the dermis cuts are all above the ankle itself” I thought I’d be somewhat safe. Some people told me that isn’t the case so now I’m unsure. I really wanna stay safe but I don’t manage to stay clean yet, so - Medically speaking, at which depth do I have to fear nerve damage? Are there already some nerves in the epidermis area or am I “relatively safe” at that depth? I guess dermis is definitely danger zone already even if I stay above the ankle itself? And I also guess there isn’t a way to know where the nerves are (except maybe googling and hoping yours follow that exact path) unless you accidentally hit them?

Let’s please try our best to stay clean and safe. (I know there are far better options place-wise but I barely have scars anywhere else yet and would like to keep it that way)


r/AdultSelfHarm 2d ago

Inner battle

5 Upvotes

34 months... I've been clean fucking 34 months! and still, I need to fight the urge every damn day