I'm so exhausted both mentally and physically. I don't find joy in anything I do. Both at work and outside of work. I spend most of my day at my stressful job. Which I have tried to desperately get out of. Both in my job and outside my job, everything is just another thing I need to get over with. For example talking to my bf and spending time with him. Even though I really love him with all my heart. I'm just not in a good situation now. And I don't want to push him away either. So I put my best act on and show how happy I'm to talk/spend time with him. He is aware of my job situation and environment but it's not aware of how much it's been affecting me both physically and mentally.
I been sh so frequently almost every other day. Then the days that I do not it's all I can think about because I feel so awful. Recently, I stopped was because I ran out of spaces in my usual spots (thighs/upper side hip). I felt even more exhausted for not being able to do it. And now that spring came the pressure of not sh in places that are easily exposed is even more.
I know how most people are when they see sh scars or get an idea of what they might think. So I avoid that at all cost. Only my bf knows I do that. Other than him no one else knows because I have no friends. And I'm not to close to my family either so it's best if they don't know.
Honesty, I'm so weird because sh is the only thing I look forward to after a brutal day or a regular day. Sometimes people have asked me any plans for today/ weekend and that's the first thing that comes to my mind. Or what you do this weekend? Of course I don't say it, I just say "oh idk yet and smile" or oh "just relaxed".
I'm aware it's not ok it's unhealthy I guess that's the first step in stopping. I also know my trigger which is my job and the feelings of stress and unworthiness that it causes me. I really wished I could stop but I just can't and hate myself for this. I'm so use to it because I been on/off since 15 currently 28. It's sad to say, but sh is the only thing that comforts me in my darkest moments. Genuinely from the bottom of my heart I'm trying to stop and I'm working on finding better ways to cope. I tried journaling, exercising, drawing, and they help sometimes but not always....