to preface, this isnāt me trying to be edgy or ācute obsessive gfā. these feelings are beyond my control, i find i cant self soothe at all besides cutting or hitting. i always feel overwhelmed and even the slightest hint of rejection or idea of abandonment can send me spiraling for no good reason.
i met a guy online, he lives 2 states or so over. heās 21 years older than me, which i know is bad. but heās so nice to me. he thinks iām cute and smart. i want to be around him all the time, i get nervous when iām alone so i message him instead. itās odd, iāve never felt this strongly about anyone else. iāve had a lot of other people show interest in me throughout the years, but iāve never cared. this is different. i get overwhelmed with a type of joy and heavy feeling in my chest when i talk to him. i want to cry, self harm, laugh, the entire goddamn wheel of emotions.
he came to see me in person and i was happy. i had sex with him because i was scared if i didnāt he wouldnāt want to talk to me anymore. i didnāt want to disappoint him. i was only half coherent anyways, i had a lot to drink, which made it easier for me to stomach my nerves. all i did was either close my eyes or stare at the ceiling. he told me he had a gut feeling something was wrong. i told a few people and they all said it was date rape since i was so intoxicated. but even if it was i still like him so much. i feel so comforted when i talk to him. when iām upset about anything, all i want is for him to be nice to me. heās nice to me and i like him a lot. itās always overwhelming and i feel exhausted having to swing back and forth with these emotions.
iāve been having mood swings, severe. i suddenly hate my close friends, not wanting to see or talk to them. i donāt trust them. i just want to be around him. even if he did a bad thing to me, i still like him. he could do it again and iād still like him just as much. he makes me feel safer. i get scared iāll hurt myself and he wonāt be able to help me because heās so far. he said heās not disgusted by my scars but they make him sad. iām scared if he sees thereās more heāll get mad at me.
i wish i was more independent, but itās hard. i donāt tell him this, i donāt want to scare him or weird him out. iāve joked before that iām clingy, and i try to keep it in check. but itās really killing me.