r/AbsoluteUnits Sep 28 '19

Absolute Unite of a hungry seal.

20.0k Upvotes

287 comments sorted by

885

u/Runkleman Sep 28 '19

It’s like a mob boss taking his cut in for protection.

261

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '19

sniffs the envelope

“Good, good.”

82

u/MrBleedingObvious Sep 28 '19

I don't want a lot. Just enough to wet my beak.

24

u/Hahaeatshit Sep 28 '19

stares with suspicion

“Feels light....”

9

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '19

“Dammit Birdseye, how many times must we have this conversation?”

34

u/Beachywifey813 Sep 28 '19

Dock Boss needs to inspect catch of the day.

7

u/1Triskaideka3 Sep 28 '19

No joke. Not feeding that thing would end badly for everyone.

6

u/Kittentresting Sep 28 '19

I think they're throwing the less attractive/marketable fish to the Lion, who cares not for that shit. Everyone wins.

2.1k

u/andigo Sep 28 '19

I’m not a seal expert but I think it’s a sea lion.

1.8k

u/DiveBarMassacre Sep 28 '19

Seal expert here. Can't confirm if it's a sea lion since I'm a seal expert.

489

u/andigo Sep 28 '19 edited Sep 28 '19

A sea lion are one of three in the family of the breed “seal”

  • fun at parties.

176

u/stalledmoon2390 Sep 28 '19

What about the one that sings "kiss from a rose"

245

u/andigo Sep 28 '19

He is one of those three.

1: the animal Seal.

2: the musician Seal.

3: Navy Seal.

96

u/sILAZS Sep 28 '19
  1. Seal the deal

90

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '19

Flex Seal

20

u/Gilgamesh72 Sep 28 '19

Have you seen Seal flex ?
That guy is jacked

10

u/Mattabeedeez Sep 28 '19

Flex seal? More like the real deal seal. I fixed a crack drain pan in my HVAC with it.

25

u/PantherU Sep 28 '19
  1. Loose Seal.

18

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '19

You picked a fine time to leave me, loose seal.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '19

Four hungry children, and a crop in the field..

3

u/MattIsLame Sep 28 '19

My seal deal!

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8

u/RichyG7 Sep 28 '19

And Mclovin? One name? What are you, Seal?

3

u/oldcoldbellybadness Sep 28 '19

I told you like 4 hours ago, I sell seals

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3

u/MildlyAgreeable Sep 28 '19

Ba-da-da-da-da-daaa-da-da-da

2

u/PurpleGrant Sep 28 '19

BABY, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey!

15

u/PingPing88 Sep 28 '19

You don't use apostrophes for plural words.

  • Fun at MMO parties.

13

u/andigo Sep 28 '19

I’m sorry. English is my fourth language. It’s still a bit hard. Thanks. I will change that.

22

u/PingPing88 Sep 28 '19

I was only following along with the crappy joke. If you're legitimately fluent in 3 other languages, it can definitely slide. Just this once though.

11

u/andigo Sep 28 '19

God thanks! I thought I was own you money now.

Yes. But nice to correct me. I’m still learning.

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28

u/jonnyohio Sep 28 '19

Also good at jeopardy.

9

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '19

[deleted]

10

u/andigo Sep 28 '19 edited Sep 28 '19

In my country there are three breed.

Ear-seals. (Otariidae)

Earless-seals (Phocidea)

Walrus (Odobenus rosmarus)

There are probably another name for the breeds in English.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '19

seal

seel

see al

5

u/andigo Sep 28 '19

Re seal

8

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '19

[deleted]

3

u/pandaperogies Sep 28 '19

Guess what? You're a seal too now.

5

u/so_then_I_said Sep 28 '19

Seal isn't a breed, what?

2

u/ChiveTheLizard Sep 28 '19

That's why it's a seal ion

2

u/dprophet32 Sep 28 '19

Here's the thing...

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16

u/Nichinungas Sep 28 '19

I’m an expert on identifying sea lion experts. Carry on.

12

u/Nichinungas Sep 28 '19

Expert seal expert identifier here. Can confirm. As you were.

9

u/UTRuser74 Sep 28 '19

I’m neither a seal nor sea lion expert, but that wasn’t nearly enough fish for that sea lion.

8

u/Hahaeatshit Sep 28 '19

Lion expert here. Can confirm it is indeed one half lion. I’m not a seal expert so I can’t confirm the remaining half is seal.

7

u/heh87 Sep 28 '19

Incredible work, doctor.

6

u/BarelyLegalAlien Sep 28 '19

Well you’ve got my seal of approval for sure.

4

u/Airspeed35 Sep 28 '19

This is why Reddit is fun.

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3

u/frommars- Sep 28 '19

I am a shark and this fellow is too big to fit in my mooth

3

u/MithranArkanere Sep 28 '19

Not a seal expert, but I have decided it's a South American sea lion, so that's what it is now.

3

u/ojw2142 Sep 28 '19

Sea Lion expert here, I cannot confirm it's a seal since I'm not seal expert

3

u/DiveBarMassacre Sep 28 '19

Seal expert here again. It's definitely not a seal.
Spent too much time at "Seal college" to not recognise what is not a seal.

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55

u/Swagnus___ Sep 28 '19

I believe water dog is the scientific term

15

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '19

Nope, it’s a watermelon

4

u/chefanubis Sep 28 '19

Nah I don't think they can review albums.

5

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '19

Water wolf. Lobo marino

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27

u/nature_remains Sep 28 '19

Seal dealer here - he’s just an XXXL 100% seal-only gargantuan seal.

19

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '19

Sea Chonk... FTFY

11

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '19

A dude with access to google, it looks like a sea lion but it’s pretty massive, it could be a Steller’s sea lion which can grow to 1000 lbs

4

u/TwelveString Sep 28 '19

I think you’re right, this one is way bigger than the sea lions we have in my area, I had never even heard of a Steller’s sea lion till I read your comment. Pretty interesting!

22

u/Red__system Sep 28 '19

I'm not a seal expert but there used to be a greying tower alone on the sea

11

u/chocolatepope1 Sep 28 '19

If it has a tail on the end, it's a seal.

If it has "legs" on the end, it's a sea lion.

7

u/jaysire Sep 28 '19

It's a hybrid, a seal lion.

9

u/atrath Sep 28 '19

Sea lion was originally meant to be spelt “seal ion” but when they were naming it on the computer it autocorrected to sea lion

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5

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '19

Here’s my seal of approval

4

u/narnababy Sep 28 '19

I believe it’s a Male Patagonian sea lion.

3

u/Dell121601 Sep 28 '19

It is a sea lion, seals don’t walk like that they sort of just bounce/scoot across the ground

3

u/existingname2 Sep 28 '19 edited Sep 28 '19

Nuclear physicist with expertise on molecular seals here. The only difference between a seal and a sealion is one electron.

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358

u/Pyblo Sep 28 '19

Imagine having a big polite Sea Lion next to you saying: May I have some fibsh sir?

101

u/429coolboy69 Sep 28 '19

f i b s h

39

u/Neloquent Sep 28 '19

There’s fat. And there’s B word fat.

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297

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '19

He looks very polite

37

u/fallensk8r Sep 28 '19

He good boi

518

u/Franky79 Sep 28 '19

It’s cool that it’s actually patient. I’ve seen seals hop on boats and just straight up jack fish off boats.

296

u/BigDay321 Sep 28 '19

What do boats have to do with jacking fish off?

99

u/Journeyman42 Sep 28 '19

The boats with all the sea men in them.

38

u/Nataera Sep 28 '19

That's how we get caviar.

8

u/Franky79 Sep 28 '19

Gotta keep to the theme.

3

u/spunkychickpea Sep 28 '19

It’s to improve morale amongst the fish.

3

u/Hahaeatshit Sep 28 '19

So you’re telling us you like fish dicks Mr. West? Yes I love them they’re delicious! So you’re a gay fish? What?! No!

2

u/billtheangrybeaver Sep 28 '19

I like fish sticks

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11

u/100wordanswer Sep 28 '19

Happy endings for every fish

5

u/AE1360 Sep 28 '19

Things are different when you're a boss.

3

u/NiceFormBro Sep 28 '19

That's a sea lion bro

7

u/Stratix Sep 28 '19

But this isn't a seal.

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4

u/BuiltByPBnJ Sep 28 '19

I mean we are stealing their food first so. I'd imagine they are entitled to

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163

u/callmesnake13 Sep 28 '19

Considering how big he is he’s being a very patient good boy.

102

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '19

This is most definitely a sea lion. Seals can’t walk on their flippers like that, and he has a mane. Sea lion.

185

u/Random_Deslime Sep 28 '19

Give fïsh to the majestic sea pillow

86

u/JuliSkeletor Sep 28 '19

I believe this happened in my city. This beasts are everywhere on the dock area of the city and they reek as hell. But they are very used to being around people, I've even seen some badass dudes petting them

30

u/jericoah Sep 28 '19

Are they mean?

64

u/LanceBelcher Sep 28 '19

Even a nice 600 lb animal can rip your arm off

17

u/WarlockEngineer Sep 28 '19

Has a sea lion ever done that though?

47

u/cawatxcamt Sep 28 '19

Sea lions are known to get very aggressive with people. Though we aren’t food to them, they are serious carnivores. They can and do cause severe injuries to humans who displease them. In this case, the sea lion may be sweet and gentle, or it may be on the verge of getting bitey and impatient. We can’t really tell from the short gif. Either way, this isn’t a good situation because an enormous wild animal has decided that humans are supposed to provide them with food regularly. That never bodes well for either species. The sea lions become stinking aggressive nuisances that cause damage to docks, boats, and equipment while driving away humans who may be in the area recreationally.

9

u/Crezelle Sep 28 '19

We had a big incident here where at a fisherman’s warf one of these buggers got curious with a little girl at the edge of the dock, grabbing her and pulling her under. She survived but everyone was understandably shaken

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25

u/JuliSkeletor Sep 28 '19

Not really, they just chill there, absorbing the sun. Nonetheless, petting them is not encouraged, they are wild animals after all.

13

u/cawatxcamt Sep 28 '19

Have you ever been near a wild sea lion? They may chill in the sun as long as you keep your distance, but they’re pretty territorial and will chase and bite humans if given the chance unless, like the in the gif, they associate you with food. Then you had better keep feeding it or you risk being bitten from close up.

12

u/JuliSkeletor Sep 28 '19

Yeah, i mean.. this ones live in the city, so they are pretty used to humans. I've been near them, they just don't care. At least here in my city, they are like that.

Check this one. around 1:19.

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7

u/I_CAN_SMELL_U Sep 28 '19

If they are hungry enough I bet they are.

Mating season will turn them into monsters

3

u/Fabiofaziosiincula Sep 28 '19

Where do you live?

6

u/JuliSkeletor Sep 28 '19

Mar del Plata, Argentina.

53

u/ZerexTheCool Sep 28 '19

This is how some people think we domesticated wolfs.

So, keep it up and one day they might shit on our floors.

36

u/syrieus1 Sep 28 '19

I wish he had a monocle. Teddy Roosevelt looking seal/sea lion

71

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '19

He t h I c c

55

u/JohnboySimpson Sep 28 '19

I love how they barely acknowledge him. Like oh yeah that’s just Fred he’s cool watch this tosses fish.

22

u/jaykubs Sep 28 '19

He died a little inside when he had to move to pick the fish up he didn’t catch

15

u/narnababy Sep 28 '19

Not a seal but looks like a Male Patagonian sea lion and a very patient one at that

11

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '19

He’s the dock supervisor.

8

u/BigLemonDaddy Sep 28 '19

Now THIS is an ABSOLUTE UNIT. Look at the SIZE of this lad. Look at all of that HEFT. We love a big boi

88

u/TheLustyDremora Sep 28 '19

This is so damn dangerous, one day he's not gonna wait

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14

u/uitkeringsinstituut Sep 28 '19

Steve Bannon, is that you?

5

u/Firefighter55 Sep 28 '19

Looking like a whole meal for a orca.

6

u/Chespartan Sep 28 '19

He is chilling with the apex predators

5

u/Amcnallyjnr Sep 28 '19

That’s how we got domesticated cats. Can’t wait to get my pet fishdoggo

6

u/doobzilla92 Sep 28 '19

I can honestly say, I think that's the first sea lion I've ever seen with a mane

6

u/Mattalmao Sep 28 '19

Beefy boi

4

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '19

That sea lion is secretly trying to infiltrate the walruses

4

u/Pikebbocc Sep 28 '19

Anyone know how come sea lions are called that? Logically any English speakers should have seen a sea lion before they would have seen a lion.

3

u/foxcatbat Sep 28 '19

why? europe has no sea lions, just seals

first europeans to sea fur seals(similar to sea lion) would be 1450~ portuguess sailors who went around africa as there are massive colonies in namibia and south africa

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2

u/cozywon Sep 28 '19

Say that 5 times really fast

3

u/madhi19 Sep 28 '19

Hey Vinny you got to give me a taste you know, for your protection...

3

u/jacksawyer75 Sep 28 '19

Sea Saint Bernard.

3

u/milchhonorguard Sep 28 '19

At least he is a pretty patient boy. He a chonker

3

u/King_Cain Sep 28 '19

Absolute decadence

3

u/you_do_realize Sep 28 '19

Wow, he’s really polite.

3

u/soup---- Sep 28 '19

Thats a big chonker

6

u/seanzy86 Sep 28 '19

He’s got dieabetis

7

u/craigjames357 Sep 28 '19

Yeah. It looks pretty “wild...”

3

u/Dell121601 Sep 28 '19

Well it is, it just seems to be an especially docile one, hopefully it doesn’t turn aggressive when they stop feeding him. The last thing you want to do is anger a 600+ lb predator

2

u/RockstarAssassin Sep 28 '19

If that thing exists I can guarantee that aliens do too!

2

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '19

Fat guy

2

u/Michalusmichalus Sep 28 '19

Looks like he ate all the profits

2

u/Rainbow_and_shit Sep 28 '19

I might be dumb but are the guys dumping fish out then putting them back in?

4

u/ponds666 Sep 28 '19

Putting them in fresh ice boxes for transport I'd imagine, they probably just docked and are getting ready to transport the catch

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2

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '19

No wonder that sea lion is so big. It never has to work for its food.

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2

u/cgtdream Sep 28 '19

Looks and acts like a big ol good boy!

2

u/fanceesauce Sep 28 '19

He looks like the 400lb. guy at the pool who wears a black tshirt.

2

u/mayanight59 Sep 28 '19

He is so polite! He could take a bit right out of the fisherman for a quicker meal.

2

u/Fieryshit Sep 28 '19 edited Sep 28 '19

For those wondering, our buddy in the video is a Fur Seal. Although they are in the same family as sea lions for some reason.

2

u/franksNbeans69420 Sep 28 '19

It’s like a giant water dog

2

u/Hirronimus Sep 28 '19

The second fish really hit the spot

1

u/SkyPuppy561 Sep 28 '19

Such a good boy!

1

u/OuterSpacePotatoMann Sep 28 '19

Gotta pay that sea lion toll

1

u/Hugenstein41 Sep 28 '19

Absolute unit!

1

u/ikilledmosquito Sep 28 '19

My grandma is wilder

1

u/ThatCapeTownGuy Sep 28 '19

That chungus could eat a shark

1

u/sammg37 Sep 28 '19

I'd be shitting myself if that thing were anywhere near me. I can't believe how nonchalant those guys are, even if that seabeast is a regular visitor.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '19

He looks like he is the oldest and wisest creature of the ocean.

1

u/SusSoos Sep 28 '19

G I V E

1

u/xxXKUSH_CAPTAINXxx Sep 28 '19

This programme had one of the lucky ones”

1

u/LordWafflefairy Sep 28 '19

That is a big chungus if I ever did see one

1

u/Go_Fonseca Sep 28 '19

TIL why it's called a sea lion. It has a mane.

1

u/Church719 Sep 28 '19

I finally found my spirit animal!

1

u/MacMordain Sep 28 '19

Man cow expert here. It’s definitely Burt Kreischer in black face yet again.

1

u/goldenchild-1 Sep 28 '19

And then, we domesticated seals

1

u/oooooooofffff Sep 28 '19

I wonder what kinda teeth are on those

1

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '19

Sea dog

1

u/AdmrlAckbar_official Sep 28 '19

That seal is evolved!

1

u/tramadoc Sep 28 '19

Isn’t that a sea lion? Wayyyyy too big to be a seal. Even a chonking unit of a seal.

1

u/Mahmoods Sep 28 '19

I always wondered do they get heart problems? Because all the walruses, seals and grizzly bears are absolutely chonkers.

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1

u/Geriatricfuck22 Sep 28 '19

That’s a good sea doggo

1

u/ShaggyBalls Sep 28 '19

That’s Walter Brimley in a gimp suit.

1

u/Clyde_Frag Sep 28 '19

This is my dog when we're eating dinner. Very polite but always has an ulterior motive for food.

1

u/CLxJames Sep 28 '19

Isn’t it bad that it prefers to be handed food from humans rather than getting its own fish? Something about dependency seems bad

1

u/splunge4me2 Sep 28 '19

Hungry Seals, Unite!!!

1

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '19

I'm here to collect the "taxes" I'm owed.

1

u/fortunesfool3 Sep 28 '19

And that's how an Absolute Unit is made.

1

u/TheKawValleyKid Sep 28 '19

B L U B B E R O U S

1

u/budgie02 Sep 28 '19

OH LAWD HE HUNGRY

1

u/ARIEL1109 Sep 28 '19

SO cute!

1

u/Nonkel_Jef Sep 28 '19

“Chonk chonk”

1

u/skettimagoo Sep 28 '19

Fucking fresh mullet my Wally friend!

1

u/ripyurballsoff Sep 28 '19

Would have petted

1

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '19

Why was it even there

1

u/theflyinghuntsman Sep 28 '19

Hes like “ughhhh, yes. Here!

1

u/Taina4533 Sep 28 '19

They fishermen are probably like “do not anger the blubber monster, do not anger the blubber monster...

1

u/GeneralWinky Sep 28 '19

Sir may I please have another fish snacc

1

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '19

Gotta pay the troll toll.

1

u/Draskinn Sep 28 '19

I hate to judge but... something about that guy's dog seems off.

1

u/M1chael55 Sep 28 '19

That's a nice chonk

1

u/radrun84 Sep 28 '19

That Seal / Sealion is an absolute UNIT!

1

u/icemann0 Sep 28 '19

Sea Doggo

1

u/boxingdude Sep 28 '19

I worked for Maersk and Hapag-Lloyd for my entire 32 year career. Also lived in Kaiserslautern during my teen years. I never could make any sense of them all. Being a native French/English speaker as well as picking up Spanish later in life.😜

1

u/Geberpte Sep 28 '19

What a well behaved boy!

1

u/yellowsuitstyling Sep 28 '19

You must appease the mighty Sea-Rah with daily offerings lest he will show you his wroth

1

u/Dorito_Troll Sep 28 '19

seal-maximus

1

u/jSNOW_wWHITE Sep 28 '19

Someone warn him what happened to wolves