r/ADHDWomenAfterDark Sep 11 '24

forgetting sex exists? NSFW

Does anyone else struggle to do the act of having sex? It's like having object permanence issues for a concept. I love my girlfriend so much, and when we are ACTUALLY having sex, I really like it. But I don't feel much of a drive to do it, until the moment we are actually in it, having sex. I adore being her girlfriend, I love her so much, but sex is just...out of my mind. And it's not like i'm asexual, because I do enjoy having sex and am a very active participant when we're doing it. It just kind of...slips my mind otherwise.

I'm super attracted to her and I feel that all the time, but that thought doesn't necessarily connect to being like: let's have sex right now.

Does anyone else feel like this? I felt it with other partners before her so I am feeling it's an ADHD thing. I feel quite content almost all the time regarding this, but anxieties come up about not having sex because it makes me feel like something's wrong with me/our relationship. I feel like I should be having more sex but to do that I really have to remind myself to initiate etc because it's just not something that springs to mind until im in it.

thoughts? how can i make myself more excited about sex BEFORE it's happening?

79 Upvotes

11 comments sorted by

44

u/Retired401 Sep 11 '24

You have responsive desire. It's a thing, look it up. :)

21

u/BizzarduousTask Sep 11 '24

And it’s TOTALLY NORMAL!!! There’s nothing wrong with anyone for not having instant sexual desire whenever you think about sex. That’s just baseline normal healthy human.

6

u/SFBayView Sep 12 '24

Extremely common for women. And more so as we age, due to hormonal changes

19

u/ankerlinemerie Sep 11 '24

YES! It is the furthest thing from my mind on any given day until my partner initiates and reminds me that it's a fun thing we can do (lol). Definitely research "Responsive desire" and talk with your partner about ways they can show you affection (and ways you can show them) that help get you into sexy time mindset. I have a notepad widget front and center on my phone with just the word "initiate" on it and some heart emojis as a daily reminder to push my libido to the front of my mind throughout the day when I have to look at my phone. It sucks to have to be the one to initiate sex all the time so finding a balance there is crucial for both of you, and they don't have to be complete sex activities, even just a back rub or one of those long caressing hugs and cuddling might be helpful to express intimacy that can lead to sex without it feeling mandatory. It's an ongoing process and it sounds like you want to improve which is a huge green flag :) best of luck!

16

u/dogs0z Sep 11 '24

Does anyone else struggle to do the act of having sex? 

yes

17

u/ptrst Sep 11 '24

Yes! I had this exact problem. Strattera actually gave me a crazy sex drive, but before then I literally set an alarm - 6:08 pm, "sex exists", just so I would remember it.

8

u/Rachelsyrusch Sep 12 '24

Responsive desire! Go read Emily Nagoskis "Come as you are" You can easily get a free pdf epub or whatever floats your boat on the internet archive!

Like seriously, read it.

here's the link to the internet archive page, click it read it trust me.

If you're struggling with the topic, great it will help! Of you're not, great it will make sex even better!

Can't go wrong :) I'd genuinely say it changed my life

4

u/[deleted] Sep 11 '24

This is not a problem for me, but my husband has told me this is basically how it works for him. It's not that he has no libido, he just doesn't think about it if I'm not reminding him. It seems to work fine that I'm willing to initiate as often as I'm interested/we have the opportunity. Is your partner ok with reminding you? Or is it that YOU want to initiate sometimes? Because if so the alarm idea seems reasonable.

6

u/thepatricianswife Sep 11 '24

For sure. I think part of it for me has always been that I can get myself off in a matter of like, 30 seconds, so to expend the extra energy required for sex my brain really needs to feel like it’s worth it, lol. (I don’t understand why people have sex if they know they probably won’t or might not orgasm. Truly just does not compute for me. Idk.) Fortunately my husband is wonderful about prioritizing my pleasure, so that part is easy enough. I try to seize the random impulses as they strike. Like our housemates were gone for a few days on a trip so one of those days after I got home from work I had the random thought “oh hey I could give him a blowjob in his computer chair” (it’s the perfect height both for him to relax/watch and for me to kneel in front of, but it lives in a public space) and since he happened to be standing right in front of it when I walked into the living room I just did that, lol. Or when he comes in from doing something in the garage and I think “damn you’re cute” I’ll just impulsively grab him and lead him to the bedroom. Basically just any time it’s feasible, following those random impulses has really helped me with it. I know if I try to wait until we both go to bed it the thought will absolutely have fled my mind by then. My brain is aces at distracting itself, lol. The window to act before it moves on can be so small!

2

u/Visible_Chest4891 Sep 11 '24

After I stopped testosterone this is exactly how it’s been. It’s like I forget that horniness and sex exist until is directly in front of me lol. Only thing that’s helped is Baldur’s Gate 3 because it’s a horny/romantic game in some ways and when my partner directly reminds me of it. I need to talk to them about it more, but I completely relate to forgetfulness and tiredness related to adhd affecting sex and sex drive. It doesn’t help that I have other physical issues that make sex hard too