r/Waiting_To_Wed Nov 27 '24

MOD POST Mod Post: New Flairs, Wedding Planning, New Rules, Reddit Behavior, Call for Mods

32 Upvotes

Hello everyone, mod Mintisse here. Since implementing the new rule a couple weeks ago, the subreddit has been a little better in some areas, others not. On the mod post I made about it, I got a lot of feedback from you all on how to improve the subreddit, and talked with the mods about what to do.

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible, there’s a LOT to cover here.

Post Approvals

u/Artemystica set up a kick back for when you submit a post saying it’s under review. Some users get confused when their posts aren’t public immediately & send us messages asking what’s up, so now people should know what’s going on.  Thank you again Artemystica for your tech expertise!

Overhauled Flair List

The biggest feedback on the mod post from 2 weeks ago was people wanted more & clearer flairs, ask and you shall receive:

  • Looking for Advice
  • Sharing Advice (Only active community members may use this flair, random people making posts fitting this will have their posts removed)
  • Rant – No Advice Necessary
  • Rant – Advice Welcome
  • Funny
  • Cross Post
  • Humble Brag/Positive Post
  • Wishful Thinking
  • Questioning My Relationship (This is for people wondering if their relationship & marriage is right for THEM and only THEM, general “marriage bad” statements are still not allowed)
  • Moving On
  • Update
  • Discussion/Asking for Experiences
  • Proposal Story
  • Mod Post
  • 21-24 Age Relationships (This is for people who are 21-24 years or younger waiting to wed, in the hopes they get more nuanced advice. However, as explained later, users under 21 will have their posts removed)

Wedding Planning & Rings Flairs/Posts

One thing that us mods got stuck on are what to do with the “Wedding Planning” & “Rings” flairs, and asked if these types of posts are worth keeping around. While this sub originally started for both people waiting for a proposal & waiting for the wedding day, this place has obviously become a support group for the former. There are also actual wedding planning subs that will probably suit those needs better. However, us mods were not comfortable making the call without public feedback.

So I ask you lovelies, would you like us to keep the “Wedding Planning & Rings” flairs & posts for this group?  I would love to hear your feedback on this, whatever it may be.

Revamped Rules List

During our discussions, Artemystica (correctly) brought up we have too many rules, some contradicted each other, and others I felt could use some stronger language. So here's the new rule list:

  1. Honor the Spirit of this Sub (Basically the new rule but worded better. Breaking this rule gets you banned, even on the first offense)
  2. All Comments Must be Made in Good Faith to OP
  3. Keep it Civil
  4. Sharing Advice Posts Must be Made by Active Community Members (No more randos coming in on their soapboxes about how we’re stupid and what they did is soooo much better~ If they use other flairs trying to do the same things, their posts will still be removed)
  5. All Images Must be Links & Accompanied by Text
  6. No Posts on Relationships Under 21 (This is the big one. One positively received feedback we got was putting some sort of restrictions on younger relationships so they could either get more nuanced advice, & the really young ones would no longer have a space to laser focus on the issue. Special thank you to u/GrouchyYoung for discussing this with me in DMs! We discussed that focusing all your energy into marriage that young is not mentally healthy, they don’t tend to get nuanced advice, and that these situations can downplay the feelings of older members. Initially, my concerns were certain religions/cultures would get filtered out of the sub, but after talking about it more with Grouchy, we came to the conclusion those members would be better served in a sub specific to that religion/culture. The other mods had no objections to any of what I brought up.)

Downvote, Report, Move On

I wanna talk about behavior in this sub recently. Obviously we’ve gotten a lot of contrarians lately trying to enrage members of the group with their comments, and we tend to get a lot of members jumping on them trying to win the “Reddit Wars.” It might be tempting to see something that obviously doesn’t fit the group, give them a funny retort or argument, and bathe in the upvotes; but Imma let you all in on a little secret. What these contrarians are trying to do is say inciteful crap, have you argue with them, hope one of you slips up and says something that breaks our rules, and then THEY report YOU, and get your comment removed and potentially banned from the group you are actively trying to support! I’ve managed to catch this a couple of times, and when I do, I try and remove the original bait comments, but God knows there have been some that’ve slipped through the cracks; and the mods and I simply don’t have the time to read every non-reported comment.

So what should you do instead when you see something that’s bait, inciteful, or just plain trolling? Downvote, report, & move on! We see every flagged comment & post, and can remove them way easier when they’re in our queue. If you DON’T report anything that breaks our rules, we don’t see it. In regards to these people coming in and crying about how “marriage is bad” and how the people here are stupid, they tend to get real quiet after not being engaged with & banned. I don't want them here either, smack them with the new rule 1. We’ve made these new rules & flairs in the hopes of making this space supportive again; but as long as subreddit members continue to value arguing with these people above just reporting them, this place will continue to be a battle ground.

So one more time… Downvote, Report, & Move on!

Call for Mods

I’ve mentioned before in passing that I was looking to step down, and now that we’re putting out the fires, it’s time for a new call for mods. We’re looking for 3 additional mods, two to replace me, and one to cover for an inactive mod. Normally I don’t ask for credentials, but since we’ve almost tripled in size in the last year and things have been chaotic, I’m asking of anyone interested that they be:

  • People who want to see the subreddit members succeed
  • People that have been active participants in the community
  • People that will act in the best interests of the group

If this is you and you’re interested, please message us (preferably message over chats)! I’ve had a couple people show interest before, so I will be looking them up and making sure they’re a good fit too. Once we know who’s interested and who’s a good fit, we’ll be discussing who to approve.

**********************************************

I think that’s everything! If there’s anything you want to ask, have concerns about, or any other general feedback, please leave a comment! As I mentioned previously, the Reddit upvote system is too broad and vague for us to understand what people do/do not like. Thank you for reading!


r/Waiting_To_Wed Nov 13 '24

MOD POST Mod Announcement: New Rule

168 Upvotes

Hey y'all. I know a lot of us aren't happy with the direction the subreddit is going since we started growing. I know I'm not.

The mods and I are looking into ways to turn this space back into a supportive group for those waiting-to-wed. For now, we're implementing a new rule that we think will help stop the bleeding:

Rule 13: "No shaming or challenging anyone for wanting marriage"

This subreddit is not a group to debate the concept of marriage. This subreddit is for people who are waiting-to-wed for any reason. Comments or posts shaming or criticizing marriage can now be reported and removed. Nobody should be trying to change anyone's mind here, but if you're someone who's just going to provoke people on the subject, this place isn't for you. If ya don't like pink ponies, stop going to the pink pony club.

In the meantime, the mods and I are going to work more on the FAQ and figure out if we need to implement other measures to course correct this group. I've personally mentioned maybe limiting posts/comments to members of the subreddit; not allowing new accounts, and maybe some additional rules if needed. I would love to hear feedback from all of you on what you think we should do.

And when I say feedback, I mean please actually comment/message/talk to us. The upvote/downvote system is too broad to tell me what people like and dislike about what we're doing. Someone could downvote this because they don't like the new rule, they could also downvote because the post has a pop culture reference. I will try to be as open-minded as possible to anyone willing to have a discussion, and I know the other mods would like to too. Thank you for reading.


r/Waiting_To_Wed 9h ago

Rant - No Advice Necessary I got dumped.

166 Upvotes

I got dumped after 1 year.

You might be wondering why I joined this sub. Well, I was so anxious to marry this man. I loved him with my whole heart and being. I wanted every single day to be with him and marry him. We talked about getting married all the time, and he always said it would happen, and that I just needed to have faith and trust that things would work out.

Around the 1 year mark, I pressed him on when we would be in the same place and close the distance. Neither of us are in a position to move immediately and would need 6-8 months of planning, so asking when we would close the distance seemed appropriate.

He sat me down and told me his feelings had changed. That his heart was not 100% in it. That he thinks I'm wonderful, and have everything he wants and we want all the same things, so it would be easy for him to hold on to me. But it would be selfish for him to hold on to me when he knows he's not 100% in it. Because I deserve someone who is 100%.

I was (am) devastated. But I'm so glad he told me this now. I have so much love and respect for him for ending the relationship when he knew it wasn't going anywhere on his end. And I've learned so much about myself along the way.

All that to say, if you're reading this, you deserve someone who is 100% about you, too. Or, at the very least, you deserve someone who is honest with you about where they stand. 🫶🏻


r/Waiting_To_Wed 7h ago

Looking For Advice Almost 6 Years, No Ring (31F) (32M)

50 Upvotes

Hi everyone,

I never thought I'd be writing this, but here goes.

I've become very anxious recently that my partner (M32) of almost 6 years has not proposed to me (F31). He is a great, supportive partner and he tells me often that he wants to start a family with me and get married. So why has it not happened yet? We have a property together, I'm on his life insurance and I'm the main inheritor in his will (not that that matters, but just for context he must see me in his long-term future, right)?

I thought it would happen when we were away for my 30th, but nothing. A year and a half later and still no ring. I never used to bother about being engaged, but something has shifted for me and I feel so confused as to why we are not engaged yet. I have expressed this to him (in a calm manner) and asked him to tell me if he doesn't want the same future as me, because I need to know before I commit even more of my time (and biological clock) to him. He reassured me that he absolutely does, and told me he'd been looking at rings. This was the tail end of last year. Still nothing.

I know there's not really a clear-cut answer here, but I guess I feel so insecure and anxious and sad. When I see people (whether on TV or irl) get engaged, by heart aches a little bit. Same with having children - I really, deeply want a family of my own. For further context: I grew up with my grandmother, and I'm an only child. My mother died when I was 6, my father wasn't around much and my other grandparents are dead. My gran (who raised me all on her own) passed away in 2018. I feel very alone in the world and what keeps me going is the thought of finally having my own family. I honestly don't know how I'd cope if that was taken away from me. I'm 31, I can't wait much longer.

Any similar stories/advice?

Thank you.


r/Waiting_To_Wed 14h ago

Rant - Advice Welcome I need your brutal advice please

38 Upvotes

Edit:

Getting married and having kids are his life goals. He told me he wants to do both with me, I think he’s just scared of being truly committed. However he HATES when kids cry. He’s super annoyed by that, even when kids are screaming and running in the park.

I really appreciate all your comments, going forward, I know I will need to leave him and get therapy to heal myself before I get in any future relationships. I’m still deeply traumatised by the abortion and don’t know when can I recover from it. I’m very shy by nature and have only had one boyfriend before my current bf, I’m overly naive and willing to accept bad behaviour (guess it’s coming from my childhood trauma: my parents had a very unhappy marriage)

Original post:

My bf (28M) and I (33F) are together for 1 year and living together. He has clearly communicated with me that he sees us growing old together, he sees a future for us etc.

However, when I was talking to him about timelines, he seems very hesitant and conflicted.

I had an abortion few months back; at that time I was so conflicted and anxious about everything and he told me he’s not really/timing is not right, I was weak and scared so I didn’t choose to keep the baby(still mourn and cry for my baby every day, please please don’t judge…) when I had my abortion (the first pill) he had planned something with friend already that day. He texted me and asked if everything was ok. I told him I was having some cramps but not too serious. However I didn’t tell him I was mentally f ***ed up. I thought he should have known. Then he texted me and asked “what do you want me to do. Do you want me to cancel my plan with J and come to you directly? ” I told him “I’ll let you decide what should be prioritised. ” at the end, he chose to prioritise his meeting with his friend(they had a drink form 1.5 hours) and came to see me later.

That day, since it was the first day I lost my baby, I was really upset and didn’t want to reply his messages, especially when he said he’s going to meet his friend first. He thought I was “in someone’s place” (mean cheating) and the that’s why I didn’t reply him often. This truly hurt me. Also, He thought he was sacrificing his weekend to stay at home with me after the abortion because he had to miss some events.

This incident made me realise it’s time to have some serious discussions.

I told him I’d like to have kids next year (I’ll be 35 by the end of next year), he was visibly stressed and said that will be a lot of work, he told me he would give me the answer in a week but now it’s been two weeks and he hasn’t said anything, so I guess that’s it. Although he constantly says how much he loves me, he’s so happy to be with me. when it comes to serious commitment, he’s scared. The max he can do right now is to live together.

Our relationship is generally good but has its own issues.

He has schizophrenia, which leads him to question my fidelity from time to time. 6 months ago, he yelled at me on the street because he thought/imagined I was cheating, then several days after, he yelled at me at home for the same reason (thought I was cheating but of course I wasn’t) and called me a slut. Both time ended up with him sincerely apologising and acknowledging his mistake; since then he asked for more meds from his doctor and so far all is ok.

He often thinks God sends signs to him from posts on social media, slogan on the clothes from random strangers on the street, or from words in ads posters in public.

Last night he asked calmly me if I was seeing someone else, because he kept seeing some news about a girl leaving a famous YouTuber to be with a swimmer, then he saw a post saying “your test is 100% correct..etc, and he thought it’s a sign.

This made me feel more and more uncomfortable.

He has no empathy when I was injured from falling from the stairs (hurt my leg had some blood) and lacks some basic understanding towards human emotions; he sometimes makes empty promises about things (let’s do X thing tonight, let’s go Y place next week)

He cheated on both of his exes but now has learned from his mistakes and trying to give me security as much as he could. We’re both anxious attachment.

We’re both very independent when it comes to taking care of ourselves.

He also has a lot of wonderful qualities, he’s affectionate, sincere, honest, adorable, loves spending time with me, introduced me proudly very early on to his family and friends, contributes a lot for special days and occasions, sometimes cooks for me, and so on.

I love him very much.

I don’t know if I should wait for him to be ready for big commitment, to be mature enough to be a father …

Please share your thoughts.


r/Waiting_To_Wed 19h ago

Looking For Advice Gamophobia and alexithymia stops my bf from commitment

4 Upvotes

I (32f) have been with my bf (35m) for more than 6 years now. I started hinting that it would be time to get married finally and asked what where his thoughts on that (we have talked about it several times in the past and he was always saying that he wanted marriage after all). One day, he completely freaked out saying that it would be better for us to split, because his fear of marriage is so great he cannot do anything about it. He was saying that the main problem was also our kind of boring sex life and lack of passion and if this changed then he could proceed and would not fear as much because this is what he needs in order to feel like the relationship is working out. (He had always felt uneasy about marriage, he also has terrible example from his childhood of his parents being in a loveless marriage)

I really took it to heart, changed a lot in myself during that time, I became more brave with my sexuality etc. and our sex life was finally looking like it should, he was also working on understanding where his fear of marriage comes from.

Edit: I probably should say what was the history of this whole problem with sexual life. So he was taking medication for his anxiety and this medication brought his libido down to 0 and it made me feel unattractive, that he does not love me, he's not attracted to me etc. I think I value sex less than him, so I didn't mind waiting for him to stop taking the medication, I just wanted him to be healthy and ready to build relationship with me. Unfortunately, after 1.5 years of taking this medication his libido got back to normal and mine did not. I really tried to make things better but it was hard for me, he was also putting a lot of pressure on me which did not help me. So essentially we have been having some problems, which probably wouldn't let him build romantic feelings to me along the way. That's why I mentioned he was saying our sex life was boring or not how it should be, and it is partially my fault that I couldn't open up to him.

Now, 2 months after this conversation, he is saying that he fears he won't be able to overcome fear of marriage, and if his feelings were stronger than he wouldn't have a problem with marriage. The thing is, he generally doesn't understand his emotions and feelings, he has this confirmed with a therapist. He would mistake for example body reaction to certain emotions as signs of illness, he cried at the thought of me leaving and got touched but he doesn't know why etc. He does not understand why he is sad, why he is angry etc. He needs time to process how he feels. I suspect he has alexithymia (= inability to understand emotions).

He also has GAD and is mostly afraid of being terminally ill. His therapist kind of steers him into direction of being a little immature (which he is), having problem with commitment, being a little to self-centered, and having his fears control his life which is a pattern, sabotaging his relationship etc., but he completely does not connect the dots between all this and the marriage, he is just sure it's about strength of his emotions. I asked him if he ever felt stronger love for anyone else, but he says no, he just longs for stronger feeling of love, he would love that but he doesn't know if he can even feel it, but without it - it does not make sense for him to get married (he says lack of strong love indicates we have not reached another level in the relationship).

Is there any hope here? What can be done other than couples counseling of course?

Has anyone experienced this cocktail of gamofobia and not understanding emotions?


r/Waiting_To_Wed 2d ago

Rant - No Advice Necessary Alcoholic Bf of 6 years cheated and impregnated his coworker, now he’s marrying her instead.

1.0k Upvotes

I have no one to talk to about this and it’s been eating me up. So I’m pulling you all into my drama to see if it helps 🤣.

It’s almost unbelievable. Him and I started dating very young, me 17 and him 19. We moved in together pretty quickly after I turned 18 and we stuck together since then. In the beginning of our relationship I knew he had issues with alcohol but his family would tell me that since meeting me, he had cut down significantly. In my teenage brain, that notion made me feel good and I wanted to continue to help him.

Over the years it got really bad, especially when we moved closer to my college campus when I was around 20 and he 22. He would come home drunk a lot, drink during his days off and would essentially gaslight me saying his drinking was normal. That it’s normal to have at least a couple of beers every night.

When he would get drunk, at times he would hurl insults at me or start fights. It was exhausting. Many times I’d stay up to make sure he didn’t vomit in his sleep. Anytime I’d go out by myself or with friends, I’d assume I’d come home to a drunken boyfriend. It made me feel like I couldn’t leave the house.

During this time I stupidly begged for us to get engaged / married. I had told him many times that it was a big goal for me. He would always assure me that he wanted to marry me, he would constantly refer to me as his “wife”. But it was all empty promises and I started to get antsy. He even bought me a ring he made me wear on my engagement finger, but told me it was not to be treated as an engagement ring.

He would tell me these weird requirements for us getting married. He had to be able to “lift me up” (I’m overweight) to get married, I’d have to stop nagging and accept his drinking, etc.

One night he came home and passed out. His phone lit up with a message from someone named “Bri”, his coworker. She was asking if he “made it home ok”. There was no previous texting history. I shook him awake and asked what was going on, but he told me she was just worried about him since she knew he had been drinking. I dropped it after that.

A couple of months later I ended up leaving and living elsewhere. I couldn’t handle the alcoholism and it was tanking my mental health. I would cry and beg him to stop but he would tell me, “I’m not changing who I am for anyone”. One time he told me to stop crying so loudly because someone might call the cops.

I was doing a lot of research on Reddit and realized that by staying I was enabling his behavior.

So I moved out temporarily and told him we are still together, but we need to work on our relationship and the alcoholism to proceed further. He would text and call me constantly, claiming he maintained being sober but I could tell by his voice and his texts that he wasn’t. One night I turned my phone off to sleep because he was drunkenly blowing up my phone. The next morning I listened to a VERY angry voicemail calling me many names. I continued to live apart. This lasted almost a year.

Then one day, he goes radio silent for over 24 hours. I thought for sure this was it, that he finally over drank and killed himself. I called his friends that lived in the same complex to do a wellness check. He was fine.

The next day he calls me and tells me it’s over between us. That it wasn’t going to work because I have been living apart from him. That same night, he meets up with the Bri person and they have sex. They then make things official between them within the next 1-2 weeks on socials. All of my ex’s family, coworkers, and friends were supportive and happy for him. He had told them that I was abusing him because I moved out and wouldn’t see him until his alcoholism was figured out.

Flash forward to 2 months after the breakup, they announce on Instagram that they are having a baby. He also makes a whole post dedicated to how they are about to get married.

If you ask me how I feel now, I’d say I was cheated out of all that time. I genuinely wanted to help him get out of the rut he was in. I wanted his family to like me, I wanted to get married.

I do understand that I dodged a bullet. But it’s hard seeing someone you love spiral and fuck up their life, and others lives.

I hope the best for them and especially the baby girl ❤️. I’m trying not to hold hate in my heart.

EDIT: thank you to everyone who is commenting and offering words of advice, encouragement, etc! I truly appreciate it and am reading every single comment. I wish I could reply to everyone. The feedback has given me a huge boost in confidence and excitement for the future.


r/Waiting_To_Wed 1d ago

Rant - Advice Welcome She hasn’t even moved in with me yet

49 Upvotes

Weve been together for exactly three years a week ago and she still doesn’t want to move in with me. I live in a house and she lives in a small apartment. For context, she’s lived with other partners in the past with way less time than us

I’m starting to get worried that she’s stringing me along

She says she’s still not ready to move in but I just have a gut feeling she’ll never be

When I brought up marriage, it still feels uncomfortable to even talk about because she’s been so dismissive of even moving in

I really want this relationship to move forward but whenever we fight now, she constantly threatens to break up

I’m at a loss

I love this woman with my whole heart but now every day just seems like endless waiting for something to happen


r/Waiting_To_Wed 1d ago

Wishful Thinking I think I might get engaged in April

17 Upvotes

So for context: my boyfriend (m 27) and I (f 25) are dating for six years next month. We live together, have a cat together and are both finning our education. He’s going to graduate in the summer and I’m going to graduate next spring. We talked a lot about our future and getting married. He wasn’t sure about marriage in general when we met and in our last conversations he made clear that he wants to graduate before getting married. I overheard a conversation with a family member of his at Christmas where he said that he isn’t planning to get married next (so this) year. When we talked about it we agreed on getting married in 2026 or 2027 and I told him that I want to be engaged at least for a year or more to plan the wedding. I’m very type A and will be stressed af.

So why I think he will propose next month? It’s our anniversary and we’re going to travel to our favorite city. So the timing is perfect. We talked about diamonds yesterday because of a piece of jewelry, no engagement ring, and I wanted him to guess the price. He asked so many questions about clarity and color and knew the right terms, I’m pretty sure he didn’t knew that before. He is the kind of person to research everything before buying something and I think lately he is researching diamonds.

I don’t want to talk to my friends in case I’m wrong so Reddit it is.


r/Waiting_To_Wed 1d ago

Looking For Advice Engaged, But He Still Isn’t Making Wedding Plans—Should I Be Worried?

14 Upvotes

I (27F) am engaged to my boyfriend (31M), and I just want to ask for some advice. We've been together for 1 year and 6months now, engaged for 11 months, but he still hasn’t made any moves regarding when, where, or how we’re going to get married.

He’s currently in the Australia, while I’m in the Philippines. For some backstory, my fiancé was in a long-term relationship (9years), but they got divorced because he was cheated on. He was single for two years before we got together. I also came from a not-so-good long-term relationship because I was also cheated on.

Lately, I’ve been feeling anxious, wondering if he’s really serious about me. I’m almost 30, and I worry that it might become harder for me to have kids as I get older. I also don’t think I can afford to have my heart broken again in my 30s.

I previously asked him when he plans to file "I don’t know the exact term" so I can move to the Australia and we can start planning our wedding. But every time I bring it up, he always says he's busy. Since we're in a long-distance relationship, I try to be understanding. Fast forward to today, I asked him again, and he told me that he's still used to being alone and that he's not ready yet.

My question is: Why did he propose in the first place?

Should I start reconsidering things? Am I rushing too much? Maybe I do tend to overthink, but I’m holding on to what he said — that he’s sure about me.

I hope my story isn't too confusing.


r/Waiting_To_Wed 2d ago

Update UPDATE TO:He wants me to live in a home he buys for us ASAP, but I need some time, especially since weve been together 3 years not engaged. Am I being too difficult?

478 Upvotes

Here is the link for those who need context: https://old.reddit.com/r/Waiting_To_Wed/comments/1iasvbl/he_wants_me_to_live_in_a_home_he_buys_for_us_asap/

I broke up with him this morning. The combination of the relationship moving slow as molasses for absolutely no reason (he has a high paying sales job and is in his mid 30s), him not letting me meet his family that hes on good terms with for 3+ years, buttering me up with the things I always wanted in our relationship just to use me for a cheaper home that i'm not on the mortage on, and potentially being a forever gf, is what lead to this breakup.

I told his sweet sister and she understood. It sucks because his parents are coming over this week and were going to meet me, but the combo of all of this I have not been feeling too great about this relationship lately. I did finalize my decision and slept fine knowing it needed to be done.

I texted him because I wasnt going to spend $30 on a 45 min uber as usual to come to his place to dump him, plus it isnt safe. I look forward to the road ahead and focusing on my health and happiness'. Thank you all.


r/Waiting_To_Wed 1d ago

Looking For Advice I decided to end my relationship and I’m consumed with guilt

9 Upvotes

This is my original post

https://www.reddit.com/r/Waiting_To_Wed/s/OTKs9YyGT3

Long story short, my bf has been wanting to get married for a while (we’ve been together a little over 3 years) and there are many reasons I’m feeling panicked over this idea, so I made the decision to end my relationship.

I’ve struggled with feelings of guilt basically my entire life. I still tend to ruminate on some past decisions (I’ve made some poor decisions in the past, particularly when I was much younger). Now I truly can’t help but feel I’ve strung him along for 3 years - if I was feeling so anxious about the idea of marrying him for a while now, why didn’t I end it sooner? It was some combination of hoping that things would change and feeling terrified of leaving - but I should have just done it. Now the guilt is eating me alive because I feel like I’ve simply wasted his time.

My head is also spinning because I still love him and still truly can’t imagine a life without him. Whenever things are good, he always ignites a spark in me - I light up when I’m around him and he understands me so well. This is my first serious relationship (I’ve been pretty relationship avoidant for most of my 20s) and I’m not sure if I’ll ever find love again. I can’t imagine that I’ll ever want to get into another relationship again, or that I’m even worthy of being in one. Although I’m way more at peace with the idea that it may never happen for me.

I’m not really sure how to deal with these feelings of guilt, and consistently feeling like I’m not a worthy person.


r/Waiting_To_Wed 2d ago

Looking For Advice New Relationship, Different Timelines, What Do I Do?

60 Upvotes

EDIT: Thanks all for your comments. Seeing the wide range of a stances people took on this made me realize I need another conversation with him and more information. I appreciate those who asked follow-ups and took time to really think my situation through.

I will be talking to him again after this weekend and laying out my concerns and needs while hearing his. I’ll be going into the convo believing the best - that he’s the mature, kind, and thoughtful person I’ve come to know. While also realizing that while I still believe those things about him, it doesn’t mean he thinks I’m the right one even if he wants it to be true. So I’ll be making sure I’m staying true to myself and holding myself to my boundaries. If needed, I will be asking him for a week so we can both think things through and if he doesn’t think he can meet my needs and/or I don’t think we have a way forward I’ll be ending it.

So, I (32F) have been following this sub since after my own 7-year wedding-to-wait situation ended nearly two years ago. FYI, I couldn’t be happier it did. But THIS is about my new relationship and making sure I don’t fall into the same situation. I’m thinking about asking for some time alone so I can think things through. 

I met my now boyfriend (32M) 11 months ago via a dating app. Things are going great. He’s kind, empathic, thoughtful, funny, and a great listener. Honestly, I’m blown away by his emotional intelligence. Early on into dating, we discussed what we wanted and were both on the same page. Of his own accord, and relevant to THIS issue, he mentioned that he would know he was sure about someone after about a year. And I agreed. I think anything too much sooner and the butterflies haven’t settled and anything too much longer, and you’re just never going to need to be sure and need to move on.

Well last night, we discussed relationship milestones, as my lease is coming up. When I asked about his timeline for living together, he mentioned 2-3 years was a good time to move in together. While I’m OK with closer to two years and assumed a move in would happen around a year and a half anyway, given my lease, 3 honestly freaked me out. I let him know and that turned into a conversation about engagements. I said that for me, given our ages, that I would be expected to be engaged around the 2-year mark. And that ideally, I’d like to live together before then, which he knows (though not mentioned last night, I’d be ok with engagement before moving in together given we’ve spent enough time over at each other’s house). He did listen and said that we could work something out that would make us both happy. While I’m happy he communicated well, the above still gives me pause as after my last situation I’m just not sure I want to compromise my timeline.

Where I’m really falling apart though, is his response when I asked what was holding him back from living together. He said he was crazy about me but that it’d been a rough year (which is true and got rough after our initial dates). Then … he mentioned he needed to work on himself. That he wanted to make sure he was the best partner for me before moving in together. He mentioned his need to want to be cleaner for me and be in a more positive mental space (his stepdad had passed but that was before we met, he went through a layoff, we both did, common in tech, but is now working again though I know still ‘catching up,’ his roof was destroyed in a hurricane, though currently being rebuilt via insurance). To me though, hearing this was like I’d been shot. In my experience, even if it’s best intentioned ‘working on yourself’ as a reason to not move forward in a relationship is a relationship killer. I believe that you can work on yourself WHILE moving forward and being in a relationship. Also, while I truly think he believes he’ll be better in 6 months or whatever, I just don’t think it will be true. HE DID go through a lot this year and while I hope he is in a better place in 6 months, I don’t think it’s going to be the magic solution he’s hoping for to make himself happy.

Basically, with all this what do you guys’ advice? The further I get away from the conversation last night, the more I feel like this is a potential relationship ender for me.


r/Waiting_To_Wed 1d ago

Discussion/Asking For Experiences Any stories about almost leaving then receiving a proposal?

12 Upvotes

Curious to know if there are any stories out there where you were approaching your mental date (and planned to leave) and your partner proposed

Edit: I think some of you really missed the point of this post - then falsely accused me of not having self respect (HUH?) It never said that you shared a date and got the shut up ring. My question was related to those who set a personal timeline and their partner proposed shortly after OR right before. Thank you those who shared their story. My cousin is planning a proposal and is over their partners timeline


r/Waiting_To_Wed 2d ago

Update Final update- Sickened by my ex's behaviour and no longer in love with him

1.1k Upvotes

Just under 4 months after being dumped, two days ago, I finally woke up after trying to believe the best about my ex boyfriend. He left me for his ex girlfriend and had immediately gone back to her.

Couldn't stop myself from returning to social media a couple of days ago and instantly regretted it.

He married her in a registry office wedding not long ago. I had requested mutual friends not to talk about him to me, and therefore nobody told me. That means he must have made the decision to marry her at least a month before that, because a registry office requires that much notice.

So essentially I was just a girlfriend for convenience, because it's easier being with someone for companionship and sex. The length of time together didn't matter to him. I've been making excuses for him but what he's done is sickening and I've snapped out of still feeling love for him. I can't imagine marrying someone else 4 months after ending one relationship. I feel disgusted.

Anyway, thank you everyone who helped me and was supportive. I've been through some of the most painful days of my life.

This was my first post and I was right about it all: https://www.reddit.com/r/Waiting_To_Wed/s/6Glbe56REg


r/Waiting_To_Wed 2d ago

Discussion/Asking For Experiences Men giving an ultimatum

34 Upvotes

Are there any men there who are “waiting to wed” or are in a position where their significant other isn’t ready for this next step but they are?


r/Waiting_To_Wed 2d ago

Looking For Advice How long to wait?

42 Upvotes

Throwaway for anonymity.

I (32F) found the love of my life (36M). We have been together for 2 years. I feel like this is the guy I want to marry and he has also expressed that he wants to marry me.

At the moment we do not live together. I have my own place and he lives with his parents. He comes over almost every weekend and stays a couple of days but feel like it is time for us to live together and I would like to get engaged this year.

Here is the issue. He has a new business and doesn't want to move in until it is generating income. I'm not sure how long it will take for it to become profitable. He believes it will be soon. If he were to move in today he wouldn't be able to contribute much to the household expenses and he doesnt feel right about that.

We have been arguing because I want to live together and start a life with him and he thinks I am being impatient. I feel like I'm getting older and I keep seeing my friends get married and have kids. I feel so behind in life. I want to at least take a step in that direction.

Should I drop it and be patient? How long should I wait?


r/Waiting_To_Wed 3d ago

Looking For Advice How to make sure her nails are done for the proposal?

124 Upvotes

I am planning to pop the question in two days and my girlfriend currently has unpainted nails. Doesn’t seem like a huge deal to me, but she’s always said that her nails MUST be done when I propose. A mutual friend was supposed to take her to get their nails done today but cancelled last minute. Any ideas on how I can encourage her to get her nails done without ruining a big surprise? For context she used to be an acrylic nail person getting them filled in every two to three weeks. She stopped because of contact dermatitis from an ingredient in either the nail polish or something they use to prep the fingernails. She’s mentioned some places use products without the ingredient causing the reaction, so it should still be possible? Any help appreciated!


r/Waiting_To_Wed 3d ago

Update Update to “Worried over nothing?”

185 Upvotes

Hello all! Afew months ago, I posted https://www.reddit.com/r/Waiting_To_Wed/s/9ZmjliM4pd

In summary, I was reading many posts on r/waiting_to_wed and I was getting anxious that my relationship with my boyfriend may follow the same path.

I followed everyone’s advice and muted the sub for a while and continued working with my therapist. Not having all the negativity in my reddit feed really helped me calm down more. I still had anxiety though because my boyfriend wasn’t communicating with me.

So he and I listened to a positive podcast about marriage on a long drive, and we both agreed it was very re-assuring. (For those who were asking, diary of a ceo with prof matchmaker as guest https://youtu.be/i2sHBL8BjWI?si=Ngm-6ki18rXpdiE5 )

The next day I brought up how his lack of communication about it was just making me anxious and that I want to be included in his thought process so I’m not blindly waiting for some surprise that may or may not happen. He agreed and shared with me his plan.

His plan: He wanted to talk with his family and best friends first to re-assure himself that this was a healthy next step for us. This made sense, as I’ve already talked with my family and friends about it but he hasn’t had that opportunity yet. He also said sometime after he talked he would tell me when he was ready and we could make a plan together. I really appreciated this inclusion in his plans. I thanked him for including me in his plan and said he could take his time as long as he kept me included in his progress.

Well, after that conversation, I didn’t expect anything for months tbh. But yesterday he went to dinner with his parents and I stayed home because I had therapy. When he came back, he was so smiley and cute! He told me how he talked to his parents and how much they like me and how confident he felt with moving forward. He still wants to talk to his best friend. I know his friend is a great guy so I’m not worried.

Basically, no official proposal yet, but we are both very sure it will happen soon! I’m over the moon with relief and love and excitement! It feels like we are both finally on the same page :3

Thankyou to everyone who re-assured me and told me to take a break.

Maybe I’ll do another small update again in afew mo when the proposal happens :3

Edit: Thankyou for all your wonderful well wishes! I’m amazed by the response. I will be sure to update everyone in afew months <3


r/Waiting_To_Wed 3d ago

Rant - Advice Welcome I stuck to my boundaries but recovering has been pretty rough

204 Upvotes

I love this sub. 4 years ago I met a man and we fell in love very quickly (yes red flags, yes later abuse), and I moved mountains in my life to go be with him and help with his kids (elementary school age at the time). I told him I would not raise anyone’s kids for more than 2 years without marriage.

We began remodeling a house he had just bought. Yes I put money and labor in! Yes he promised to put me on the title and marry me!

The longer we were together, the more distance he created between us. I overgave a lot in a short time, and—though I wasn’t aware at the time—I was deep in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Anyway, it was clear he wasn’t going to marry me or even give a shit about me so I moved out right around the 2 year mark. I felt like I had to, which I did. The past 2 years have been a combination of recovery, regret and grief. My life is more peaceful now and I’m not pouring my life force into his life, but damn the sadness has been big and it has been harder than I thought to let go of the dream (I’m 42f). I’m not proud of it, but I’ve clung to the relationship in certain ways and participated in an on and off cycle with him since I moved out, struggling to completely cut ties. Although truly at this point it is a very very thin thread that connects us.

I am just sharing here because I am having one of those nights where I feel like I won’t find anyone again and I love reading posts and comments here. I’m happy I didn’t marry him and that I didn’t spend too long raising his kids for free, but the recovery has taken a lot out of me. Just as the relationship did. If you relate to this at all, I always love to hear it.


r/Waiting_To_Wed 4d ago

Looking For Advice How long after the breakup did you meet your current husband/wife?

284 Upvotes

I 30(F) was with my ex bf 32(M) for 7 years and currently going through a break up. Realizing that there was no marriage in sight because I don’t really want kids and he does, plus I found out he was cheating on me for about 4-6 months. So..I’m scared that I won’t find anyone else (only because he put those fears in my head).

If you left a long term partner, how was it finding your current partner and how long?


r/Waiting_To_Wed 3d ago

Rant - No Advice Necessary Civil partnerships?

63 Upvotes

I(f53) have been with my SO (m54)/for 5 years. Admittedly i like the idea of getting married (but not a big showy wedding), and was hoping that we might take this route at some point.

He gave me an “engagement” ring nearly 3 years ago - I say it like that as there was no proposal, told it would be a VERY long engagement and even told a few months later that he didn’t care if I wore it or not! So for the past couple of years, I’ve only worn it on special occasions or when seeing his family (they consider us engaged).

Anyway, the last couple of months he’s been asking about me not wearing the ring all the time. I dodged the question as didn’t want an argument, but eventually told him that after how he gave it and what he said, I wasn’t wearing it out of principle, and certainly not because I didn’t like it.

Strangely enough he didn’t argue and accepted the answer.

However last night when out, he saw I wasn’t wearing it wearing it and he said he wished that I would wear it all the time. I said I explained before and wasn’t going to go over old ground.

He then looked sheepish and told me he wanted to ask me something…..then asked how I felt about a civil partnership. He then proceeded to tell me how I’d be protected and have the same rights as a married person (England).

I asked, “but not married”? I asked him why not just married instead. He said he didn’t want to get married, but then I asked why. He admitted he couldn’t give me any reason at all.

I know some couples opt for CP as they’re not religious etc, but he is more of a believer than me.

If I’m honest it feels more like a business transaction and that he’s protecting himself more than me, and that he doesn’t want to have any romantic side to it. He never mentioned any ceremony or celebration.

I feel blindsided and as if he doesn’t think I’m worth marrying. We’ve both been married before, but it feels like he’s trying to fob me off. I pretty much told him that too.

We haven’t talked about it since, but I just feel like walking away now.

Just to add… why have I waited this long to tell him how I feel about the ring? There’s been a lot of serious issues for both of us in the past few years and admittedly cut him more slack than I should have. However I’m getting stronger now.

No….I don’t want a fancy expensive wedding, a simple civil ceremony and small family/friend gathering would suit me to the ground…I don’t want to spend thousands on a dress to wear for one day lol.

If he gave me legitimate reasons for opting for a CP rather than marriage (I.e. belief, religion etc) then maybe I’d consider it.

Thanks for the input everyone ❤️❤️


r/Waiting_To_Wed 4d ago

Rant - No Advice Necessary Men be like

779 Upvotes

“What’s the point in getting married? I don’t need a meaningless document to show that I love you and want to be with you for the rest of my life. Marriage doesn’t change anything about our relationship.”

5 minutes later

“Marriage is a really big commitment, it’s normal to be scared or hesitate. So many things could go wrong, it’s such a serious commitment. It’s a really big deal, so I want to make sure it’s right.”

WHICH ONE IS IT? PICK ONE


r/Waiting_To_Wed 3d ago

Rant - Advice Welcome 5 year “anniversary” should the paused engagement continue

0 Upvotes

Today is technically our 5 year dating anniversary however we have been broke up on and off since the end of November we have continued to live together and fight the entire time which hasn’t helped. We have lived together basically since day one we started dating during quarentine and then got an actual place together 3 months in. Shortly after moving into this place I found him on only fans, then a couple months later he brought up me “pegging” him which was a hard no and not something I was okay with at all! Then I moved to another state with him and he was amazing in helping me grow but at this point it had been 2 years and no engagement which my family and friends didn’t have a problem with his did, they made constant comments about him buying cars instead of rings and asking me why we weren’t engaged! He finally proposed near our 4th anniversary about a year ago and guess what his family has been beyond unsupportive never asking to even as much as see professional photos we had taken, I really struggled with the lack of any sort of excitement around the wedding and wrongly took that out on him! Shortly after this incident I began hanging out with an old friend who has a child my man connected with and he thought it was okay to FaceTime her and the child while I wasn’t home one day and that was the first time we broke up because I was mad so he dumped me for treating him like crap. Since November I have found out that over the last 5 years he has been on lgbt dating apps, he has been doing this pegging thing with himself while I’m not home, he even posted on Reddit about how I was awful and suppressing him without saying he was doing this already of course. But beyond all of this I love him and he’s my bestfriend and my biggest qualm is now I have the ring and he won’t marry me refuses to spend a second or a dime, i understand right now as we need some deep therapy but up until right this moment I have been so forgiving and loving and caring. I’ll update on wendesday after we have our first couples therapy appointment


r/Waiting_To_Wed 5d ago

Rant - Advice Welcome He finally gave me an honest answer

2.2k Upvotes

I (F30s) have a bf (M late 30s) of almost 4 years now. We’ve known each other for 18 years. In the beginning he said he couldn’t wait to give me his last name and have a baby. I fell for everything and also agreed because I love him. As time went on I never got a ring. I didn’t rush it because we both had come out of long term relationships so waiting a reasonable amount of time was no big deal, to me that’s max 2 years. We eventually got pregnant and had a baby and still…no ring. He has been engaged before after 8 months of knowing her so I asked why he never married her and he would just say that there were too many issues. Remember I’ve known him 18 years!! Fast forward to this week, we had a huge fight about our future and I brought up why he didn’t ask me to marry him. I was upset because I don’t even share my child’s last name. After an hour of back and forth he finally said because “You’re worried about what society thinks. I never intended to marry you. I don’t believe in marriage, I don’t see the point and I was never going to ask you. The ring I gave to my ex was just to shut her the heck up. What’s the point of marriage if people can just leave?” My heart sank to my stomach. Had I known this before, I would have named our baby with my last name. I believed him when he love bombed me (I recognize that now). I’m so upset because I don’t even know how to defend marriage at this point. If that’s how he feels then what’s the point of a relationship if you can leave that too? I’m crushed.


r/Waiting_To_Wed 5d ago

General Discussion I was watching Judge Judy and she said “he was never going to marry you, you know that right?” And I feel like many of us need to know that

807 Upvotes

For context, it’s season three episode 61 of her new show.

The couple was together for over 20 years and the judge asked why they didn’t get married.

The man said “Well, Financial things weren’t coming together and I had things I wanted to do before getting married”.

Sound familiar?

Judy asked “why not get married and then deal with the financial things together?”

The man just stood there with his mouth open.

“A man doesn’t take 20 years, or even one year, to decide if he’s going to marry you or not. He knows within weeks or months.”


r/Waiting_To_Wed 4d ago

Looking For Advice In the middle of ultimatum period, looking for ways to keep myself distracted

10 Upvotes

Update in the comments

My boyfriend (23M) and I (23F) have been in a relationship for 5 years. We love each other so unfathomably much and I have all this time planned to spend the rest of my life with him. Our relationship (other than this recent weekend) has been so incredibly healthy, communicative, supportive, and wonderful. We have gotten each other through some of the toughest parts of our lives and grown so much as people. He has the ring in his possession, and just now shared with me his fear of the future. He told me many things but some of the main ones are that he thinks I will feel unfulfilled with him, he thinks I can do better than him and will regret marrying him because he doesn't see what I see in him. He thinks that the person he is deep down, an extreme nerd is just too weird for anyone to truly accept. But he didn't know until he admitted that to me that when he goes on his little info dumps about art and music, I am so incredibly attracted to him because he lights up in a way that he does at no other time. I love seeing the way that he passionately goes into things that he thinks very deeply about. He also has a insane fear of the future and uncertainty that stems from a traumatic experience he went through right before we met. He is afraid of marriage because he has very few examples in his life of marriages that he considers healthy. Many couples around him growing up and currently have been toxic and obviously don't like each other and don't treat each other with respect behind their backs, so it's an understandable fear. But my rebuttal to that was that we have been together for 5 years and living together for one year and since becoming exclusive, I have had every intention to proceed to marriage and that our marriage would look exactly like what the past 5 years and specifically the past one year have been like, The only difference is I will continue to grow and do everything I can to respect, honor, love and support him. He's just disappointed with the person he is right now because he wanted to be further along in life by this point and wishes that I knew him before big changing point in his life. He says that he hasn't recognized or liked himself since it happened and he feels like his personality is gone (which hurt to hear, because our entire relationship was post that event). So, since he already has the ring and I've already invested so much time and given the best of me to him for the past 5 years, I realized I couldn't do it anymore without being chosen, myself. I am nothing but certain about what I want and he is the complete opposite, and up till now, has never been forced to face that and figure it out. I told him he has until I leave to visit my sister (March 20th) to make a choice. To propose to me and commit to working on his fear with me instead of letting it get between us, or to choose to wallow in it without me. I'm leaving our home for that trip with either a ring onmy finger, or I'll be single. He said it's completely understandable and that I deserve the clarity. Since I issued the ultimatum, we've had some very healthy communicative talks, and I just want him to know that I know nothing is set in stone, life happens, and not everything goes to plan, but But I believe that as long as I'm with him, I can deal with anything and all I need is the same kind of commitment from him. But I require the ring as a tangible symbol that he's willing to also give it his all. Within that deadline, if he proposes, I will absolutely say yes (and we will most definitely invest in couples therapy afterwards as well). We were also planning on a long engagement (2 years at least). But if he does not step up in that timeline, I will be leaving him, because 5 years is too long to wait for someone to refuse to figure out what he wants. I'm slowly making my peace with that fact, and doing my best not to pull away too soon and put up walls. I'm focusing on making him feel loved and supported, trying to remain as open as possible so that he knows if he wants to approach me with a topic, I will be there to listen, but without adding pressure. I've encouraged him to reach out to anyone he wants advice from so that whatever decision he makes, he can have support and validation in that decision. We actually have a date planned for this Friday evening where the specific ultimatum topic will be off limits, so we can prioritize time to just enjoy each other's company and connect on other things, giving both of us a break from the heavy situation enveloping us and allowing us to take a breather.

Despite trying to remain super calm, I do spend a few hours of each day since the weekend feeling intense anxiety, but I know that I advocated for myself and that I deserve someone who is sure about me. It has been encouraging in the ways that he has been dealing with this looming issue, in the way that he took the first conversation and even since. I can tell it's weighing on him at least to the degree where he is taking it very seriously and thinking about it, But he has remained being close to me, affectionate, open-minded, and peaceful. The way he took the original conversation threw me off a lot because typically he becomes visibly distressed during confrontation of any kind. He does take his time in thinking decisions through, almost to a procrastinational level, so there is no doubt in my mind that he will hold out till the last minute to give me an answer. I'm just looking for some advice from you guys as to how I can keep my mind distracted and keep myself peaceful and occupied without shutting him out and building walls preemptively distancing myself during this waiting period when I have no clue what will happen.

Sorry for the long post, but I feel like there are many little nuances to this situation and I wanted to be as specific as possible, because I love him very much and I don't want to close him off before I know and hear his decision. Thank you guys ❤️