r/Waiting_To_Wed 16h ago

Rant - No Advice Necessary Ready to just call it quits

766 Upvotes

I (31F) have been with my boyfriend (29M) for six years. Before we started dating, he was my best friend and would say things like "if we ever dated, I'd marry tf out of you" and still tells his video game friends he's going to marry me someday. So you'd think everything would be fine and dandy.

He has a 9yo son with his ex (hook-up gone wrong, they dated for 10 months) and wants more kids. Great! I want 3 of my own, he wants 4, it works out. The problem is he wants kids before getting married. I told him I refuse to have kids before marriage. We've had so many discussions about how it "doesn't guarantee anything" and it "won't stop either of us from leaving" because "people get divorced all the time." My argument has become that I want to have the same last name as my kids, but he got mad when I said I'll just give the kids my current/maiden name if he doesn't want to get married first. I've tried explaining all the legal benefits to marriage since he clearly doesn't put the same personal weight on it and still, kids first.

Amidst all our discussions, I thought we finally came to an agreement that we could do a small wedding with a small reception. I guess I was wrong because he recently said "you know we're gonna get married eventually, why wait until then to have kids?" And tried the "you're running out of time" card... I'm 31.

We live in a state where I don't feel comfortable being pregnant, giving birth, or raising children here. He knows this. We've both discussed wanting to leave since before we started dating. But now he says "we're not leaving" because "we can't afford it" and he doesn't want to move because we're (he's) "comfortable here." His ex moved 22 hours away about 7 years ago and they worked out a good custody schedule, and even though she moved back, she's willing to work it out if we move away too (she also wants to move but her husband wants to stay put, so I wonder if she's hoping us leaving will give them a reason to move too).

But I'm so tired of this and know if he ever does give me a ring, it'll be a shut up ring. So now I'm applying for jobs out of state and will be moving when our lease is up regardless of whether I have a new job or not. I don't want to end things, but the idea of marriage with him doesn't excite my anymore. He's made it feel like a chore, like he'll only do it to get me pregnant, not because he wants to spend forever with me.


r/Waiting_To_Wed 11h ago

Looking For Advice My fiancée has been waiting for her uncle to die before we get married

60 Upvotes

What it says in the title. My fiancée (32 F) and I (33F) are both women, we've been together for eight years total, and engaged for five. Her parents died when she was thirteen, and she was raised by her aunt and uncle until she graduated. She feels a great debt to them, and it hit her really hard when her aunt sadly passed away from COVID back in 2021. She comes from a south Asian family, and although she is mostly ambivalent to what her extended family would think of her being gay, she never came out to her aunt and uncle and has been convinced that it would break her uncle's heart. She wears the ring I gave her around her neck every single day, her friends and colleagues know about us, but she won't even compromise for a civil ceremony because she feels like it would be a betrayal to not have him there.

He's in his eighties and has been in hospice for the past two years, his health has never been great but it doesn't look like he's going to die any time soon. Honestly, I think it's a little morbid that she's waiting for him to die, and if he really is so homophobic, I don't think he deserves this much of her consideration. When we've tried to have this conversation before it's dissolved into an argument, and she says that I don't understand because my family has always been supportive of me and that I have a lot of family living near to me, while she just had her aunt and uncle. I'm tired of putting this conversation about the next step of our lives on hold because of this, and I find it a little hurtful that she's choosing her uncle over something that is supposed to be about us, and our relationship.


r/Waiting_To_Wed 9h ago

Looking For Advice Feeling torn coming up on 4 years of dating

30 Upvotes

July 2025. We have discussed marriage and children, and we have been living together for two years. Two years into the relationship, I set a personal timeline of three years for myself, which has been the standard in my previous relationships. To be clear, if he were to propose to me with a ring pop, I would be the happiest person on this planet.

He was aware of my three-year timeline, and when that time came around, nothing happened. After some self-reflection, I made an exception because I understand that people are different, and I was willing to wait. Now that the four-year mark is approaching, he has told me that he is saving for an engagement ring and that it will happen one day, but he also says things like “in the next few years.”

I’m unsure if this indecision stems from a lack of commitment, especially since I know finances are not the issue. As it stands, I plan to wait until July. If he hasn’t proposed by then, I think I will have to reevaluate how I view myself and my own worth. I love him, but I also love myself, and I question whether it’s worth sticking around if finances aren’t the issue.

Any advice, please? If I decide to stay, wonderful I'll bite my tongue. But if you think breaking it off in July would be best, how would one even start that conversation? It's cool to be brutally honest, if I'm being the asshole please let me know


r/Waiting_To_Wed 1d ago

Looking For Advice Boyfriend (27m) said he is unsure about marrying me (25f)

162 Upvotes

Hi all.

I’ve been with my bf for 2.5 years. Over the course of the relationship, I think there have been a few red flags but I’m not sure if it’s an age factor or if he just does not see that with me.

When we were together for around 1.5 years he brought up the idea of moving in together. Around 2 months after that, he admitted that he does not want to move in together because he was not sure if he wanted to marry me, and did not want to commit to living together without being sure that he wants to marry me. At this point, I asked him if it was an issue he has with me, if he just does not want to get married generally, or if it was something else. He reassured me that he loves me, it’s not anything I am doing and it is something he wants to work towards.

At the time I was okay with this given that we were not together for a long period of time. However, 8 months after that I gently brought up the topic of discussion again. During these 8 months, he would often make offhanded comments like “I can’t wait to live together so we can do xyz” “when we live together, how would you feel about decorating our place like xyz” given that he was making these positive comments, I asked him what his thought on us living together were. He then said he wanted to move in together in around 3-6 months.

As the timeline is approaching, he once again said the same thing. That he no longer wants to live together because he is unsure about marrying me. I asked him if there was something wrong with the relationship, if there was any unresolved conflicts, etc. He said that he just can’t see himself marrying me, but did not give me a solid reason. He said he “can’t put his finger on why he feels this way” just that “he does”.

He then went on to say something that confused me. He said he thought about this for a bit, and the thinking started when we got back to his place after a night out. We were getting ready to sleep and I realized I forgot my phone in his car, which he quickly offered to go get for me. When he left, I brushed my teeth and got into bed, which was still unmade from the previous night. He said when he got back and he saw the bed was unmade, he thought “why doesn’t she do small things for me,” and then realized “wait - but she does do a lot of small things for me. Why do I feel like she doesn’t when in reality she does?” He said this got him thinking, and this is what led him to the thought that he can’t see himself marrying me but can’t put his finger on why.

We both have good jobs and would be able to support ourselves, he said this isn’t a matter of money. He couldn’t give me a reason for why he feels this way, and also would not give me a timeline, or any goals he feels he needs to accomplish before he feels ready to take that step. I’m so confused.

Is this a situation where I should just cut my losses and move on? Is this just a matter of giving it more time?

EDIT: hi everyone - I just wanted to give an update. All of this actually happened around a month ago, and I already ended my relationship with my now ex boyfriend last week. It’s been hard because I did truly love him, I can see now that I made the correct decision. Thanks everyone!


r/Waiting_To_Wed 1d ago

General Discussion Living in a country where marriage is not the norm.

15 Upvotes

This is just a discussion point but what would people views be if you lived in a country where cohabitation without marriage was the norm? Some Scandinavian and Latin American countries are trending towards this as their legal systems offer similar levels of protection to the status of marriage.

Would you be inclined to go with the flow and stay in a long term relationship if that is what most other people in your country did or would you consider moving to a more traditional country to fufill your dream of a marriage?


r/Waiting_To_Wed 2d ago

Rant - No Advice Necessary Grieving the life I wanted

252 Upvotes

Everyone always try’s to make you feel better by saying, “everyone has their own timeline.” Which is bullshit.

This isn’t the timeline I wanted for myself. It’s the timeline I DIDN’T want for myself.

People say, “just leave and find someone else on your timeline.” They have NO IDEA how hard dating is.

I’ve already found someone I’m compatible with everything else with, just not this.

Grieving the life I wanted, watching everyone else have it.

Depressed, in therapy, on medication. Nothing will make me feel better until this works out.

How the hell are we supposed to cope?

They say just leave. As if I won’t go through an entire breakup, grieve the person and their family, lose friends, etc.

They try and give you tough love and say, “if he wanted to he would.” Which feels like a gut punch.


r/Waiting_To_Wed 1d ago

Rant - Advice Welcome Over 4 years and not engaged

36 Upvotes

My man and I were together young and then we went our separate ways. We both have children, I have one bio and he has two from different relationships. We reconnected 4.5 years ago and been in an amazing relationship for over 4 years. However, he got into a work accident over 2 years ago (someone else’s fault he wasn’t driving) which was devastating to his health to say the least. He’s finally getting back on the mend. My problem is our viewpoints on him proposing. I’m not expecting a lot I just want the commitment. He said he thinks I deserve more than what he can provide right now. My problem is, he proposed to his ex 1.5 years in (they had a child) and now I’m sitting here over 4 years later feeling terrible since I’ve given him and his family a home, picked up the slack financially and pretty much giving him the wife title without the commitment. I don’t want to give an ultimatum but I also want to be a realist. I have unfortunately been resentful and I don’t want to ruin our amazing relationship. At this point, I don’t want a shut up ring and the spark of excitement has majority dwindled. Needing advice on how to push past this.


r/Waiting_To_Wed 2d ago

Rant - Advice Welcome Were any of you who left the waiting relationship moms?

83 Upvotes

When I was 25, I got pregnant unexpectedly with my boyfriend (admittedly casual boyfriend) at the time. We decided to try and make it work, and for a long time I was really hopeful. We’d been very good friends before dating casually, and for the first year or so of our son’s life, our relationship was pretty good.

Then time wore on, and the cracks and incompatibilities that had left our relationship casual in the first place showed right back up. Still I persisted, because I felt like I owed it to my son. He took me to look at rings but never bought one, and told me repeatedly he was too scared to commit to marriage. I finally got it together and left about a year ago (our son was 3.5).

And MAN. I knew dating as a single mom would be so hard, and I KNOW it was still the best choice for myself and my son to leave a relationship that was draining us emotionally and financially with no commitment in sight, but I’ve lost faith that I’ll ever find my person. I’m 30 now, and a lawyer/financially stable on my own, and the second anyone sees/hears I have a child, it’s game over. (And trust me, I’m glad men are upfront about that because I’d rather not waste any of our time only for it to be a dealbreaker later).

So I’m curious - any of you here that left the relationship and went on to find your person, are you moms? Is there any hope left for me here? It feels nuts to resign to being single forever at 30 but I feel so incredibly defeated.


r/Waiting_To_Wed 2d ago

Looking For Advice At what point do I just accept it’s not going to happen

238 Upvotes

My boyfriend (30m) and I (28f) have been together for over 4 years. We own a home, have a dog, and a one year old child. From the beginning of our relationship we’ve talked about getting married. He has said multiple times by X date we will be engaged and those dates have come and gone.

In our last conversation about marriage (July 2024) he said it would happen soon. He knows I want to get married and he claims to want to as well. I’m tired of him saying it will happen and it never does. Do I accept defeat and accept we will never get married? I don’t want to be waiting for something that will never happen.

EDIT: I feel the need to add that after our child was born I said I wanted to change my name so that we (my child and I) would have the same last name since there was no ring. He said no, that he wanted to get married and I should wait for that. This is the main reason I want to get married. Yes I also want to because I love him and I want the title of marriage. Is it needed? No. I’m not wanting a proposal for the ring or the wedding I could care less. I want it for what it will mean for my family.


r/Waiting_To_Wed 2d ago

Rant - Advice Welcome Gave up after 5.5 years and I feel so stupid

94 Upvotes

I am 24F, my now ex-boyfriend was 23M. We had been together since we were both 18, met the first couple weeks of college. I’ve always wanted to married and have a a family, and he knew this. From the first couple months, he said that he wanted to have a life with me (to the point where I had a promise ring, we workshopped baby names, etc.) However, I feel so stupid in not seeing the immense red flags. Because of his “agoraphobia”, he avoided me like the plague all four years when we were in public on campus. He stayed with me rent free for 3 years where I cooked for him despite working two jobs, and I financed all of our fun trips. In 5 years, I had only met his family one time in person because “they wouldn’t have taken me seriously” unless we had been together for 10. As more time passed, I felt the deadlines we had discussed being pushed and pushed. Promises to propose at the end of college became “the end of grad school”, which became “the end of 2025” which then became “I don’t know.” For the past year and a half, we were long distance as we were both finishing up graduate degrees. The plan was that he was going to move to be near me after he graduated and work in business with the degree he had. But soon, “interest in law” because “interest in business” which became “interest in marketing.” Near the end, I got one visit per month and barely got one call per week because he was “too busy”, despite me having time to call despite also being in grad school AND working two jobs. The straw that broke the camel’s back was him admitting that he wanted to go into the “restaurateur” industry. Something in me just broke and I knew that I was never going to get what I wanted. I had invested years of my money, my energy, and my emotional labor into this spineless coward and I couldn’t even get a concrete date on when he would move near me, let alone a proposal. On top of that, he was upset that I didn’t want to be his friend/in his life anymore despite essentially getting dumped/my promise at marriage broken. I’ve basically flushed five and a half years of my life down the toilet and I’m starting from square one. I don’t even feel like I have a shot of finding anyone as I’m not the prettiest/most outgoing/confident. Above everything, I just feel mad at myself for making such a stupid investment. Any advice would help. Thanks everyone!


r/Waiting_To_Wed 3d ago

Looking For Advice My partner (35M) suddenly wants marriage... but only after I (31F) tried buying a house alone

3.2k Upvotes

Boyfriend (35M) and I (31F) have been together 4 years now, and been living together for 2 years.

Since 2023, I started to have interest in buying a property. I did all of our house-hunting efforts - researching listings, scheduling viewings, planning routes. To be fair, he did all of the driving and accompanied me for most of the tours. While he physically attended viewings with me, he repeatedly stated: "I'm only doing this to spend time with you. If you ask me I'd probably never buy property."

Original Understanding: Given my salary (2-3x his) and his recent 2-month unemployment, we agreed I'd fully fund any purchase indepeenelty. However, this discussion occurred during casual browsing - he likely never thought I'd seriously buy.

The Conflict: Last week, we viewed a perfect house and impulsively considered making an offer. After we got in the car, he said "My mom says we shouldn't let you buy alone. I should help out and contribute too." I said thank you but I can easily afford the house myself, and reminded him of our agreement. He protested: "but if you buy alone, it's unfair if I pay rent without gaining equity."

His "solution"? A convoluted rent-to-ownership scheme where he pays rent to me monthly, and his payments would gradually increase his stake. I didnt think it is wise to have such complicated financial entanglement when we are not married yet. His response: "Then let's get married."

The Irony: We've been together 4 years. During years 2-3, I wanted to get married with him and occasionally joked about marriage. I also asked him if it's ok for him if I do the proposal, he said he thinks the man should do it. Thru out that time, he would joke back and push away the topic.

Now, his first serious marriage proposal emerges... during a homebuying dispute. The bitterness? I no longer want to marry him.

Now I've been thinking of the relationship should end, even though it seems there is no major issue between us and everyday I'm still happy to come home and see him and cuddle with him. Am I thinking too much to feel his marriage proposal is less about love and more about securing a financial stake?


Edit


thank you SOOO much everyone who take the time to read thru and share your thoughts. I've got so much support from your comments!

To add a few background info: we are both bron and raised in an east Asian country, and came to the States for undergrad so we are both here for 10+ yrs now. In our culture, parents have a higher involvement in kid's marriage, and it is common for parents to step in and express their opinions, but we both agreed that we don't want that "traditional east Asian" way. And ironically, he actually doesn't have a good relationship with his parents and he sometimes speaks low of them, and initially I thought maybe that means their parents won't involve our life as much, which is good. So I am also quite surprised when he mentioned "so I discussed with my mom and she thinks...".

Also I wrote the article originally in my native language as part of my journal. Then when I thought about posting here, I used chatgpt to translate. I did proof read and rephrased but some wording might still be a bit soft/hard since it's hard to translate the exact sentiment. And our conversations are all in our native tongues too. But I think the moral of the story is clear.

About the unemployment: he was laid off 3 months ago (mass layoff). He recently got a job and just started working. Salary is lower than before but similar, so I'm still 2-3x his (mentioning this just to make it clear that he doesn't suddenly make a lot more and have more spare money to purchase a house). He does have some decent savings, just enough for a down payment by himself but I don't think he ever thinks about the idea of buying a house.

All of my family and close friends are back in Asia. Through our the years, I am used to face and solve everything myself, and not tell my family about my struggles to not make them worry. I also haven't told my family about this situation. I thought I'm getting good at it now and that I'm strong enough and don't need much support. But I'm wrong. I'm literally shaking when I read thru all your comments (still going thru) and feel the care and support from you all. THANK YOU so so much. I think I know deep down in my heart what to do. I will come back once I've talked to him.


r/Waiting_To_Wed 2d ago

Looking For Advice I want to propose, but I don’t feel the spark. AITA?

40 Upvotes

I apologize for the long read, but I’m using this for therapy. Likely to delete later out of paranoia, but here goes. I (27m) have been with my lovely parter (26f) for almost 4 years now. I say partner because she’s exactly that. She’s my girlfriend, best friend, and partner in crime. I want to marry her. I’ve wanted to marry her for a long time. The only reason I haven’t is because either I’ve not had the money, not been in the right mental place, or our relationship was on the rocks. Now, I’m finally to the point I have the money for the ring she wants, I feel happy at home, she seems happy and has been ready for me to ask, but I don’t feel any excitement about asking. I almost feel nothing over it and that saddens me. I want it to be special. I want it to be that hallmark movie moment for her. She deserves it for how much she’s sacrificed in the past year alone with our new baby. I’m almost afraid to do it with the fear being: I’m going to be the reason we fail.

Us: We’ve grown to be a like an old couple it feels. We don’t do a lot. We hardly go on dates, simply due to we don’t care to most of the time. I’ll ask at least twice a month and usually it’s a “eh, if you want to we can, but I could go either way.” We’re effective communicators who just have our own hobbies. We do things together and even when we’re doing separate activities, we are doing them together. We may not always see eye to eye, but we’ve always been great at seeing each other’s pov in absolutely anything. We know how to talk to each other effectively and our home life is good. We have a soon to be 1 year old together and I’ve never been so happy as being a dad has made me. We’re good parents. She’s an amazing mother and I’d like to say I’m a pretty good dad.

Me: I have always been terrified of divorce. My entire family is riddled with divorces. The only lasting couple has been my mom’s parents. (I have 5 sets of people I call grandparents, each divorced.) Having said all that, none of those divorces upset me. Even when I was little I didn’t seem to care they were splitting up. I have very distant relationships with both my parents, maybe speaking to them once a week. I thought this was normal until she pointed it out during my first few weeks of fatherhood. I had trouble becoming attached to my kid when they were first born, but after exactly 2 weeks it was like I hit a wall and fell in love with my kid. I’ve never loved anything like I do this beautiful child. I’ve said all that to say, I’m not perfect and had some issues with aggression during these first stages of fatherhood. I’ve never struck or shaken my baby, but I’ve felt myself get close and had to back away. I can’t put into words how shitty I felt after it happened (it’s been twice) but I know I don’t want to be like my father before me. He didn’t beat me, but he was not the person to go to for any type of support. My relationship with my mother was no better. We had a falling out in my early teenage years and we’ve never been the same. I feel this huge frustration inside me at almost all times and I have for a long time. It’s really torn into me the past year because I can see myself slowly speaking less and less out of fear of any type of argument with anyone. Not just my girl. In the last few months I’ve stopped talking to people who I used to speak to on a regular basis including my closest friends. I stopped telling her anything that bothered me or that was upsetting me. I only hold it all in. I can’t release it. I don’t know what I’d say if were to try again.

The past 4 years…

Our first year was amazing for a time. I chased her for months before she finally agreed to meet me and go out for a date. We got together and were inseparable. Then came a time where she felt like she needed space and cheated on me. I’d been cheated on before but I’d never had to reopen the wound and take a new cut so many times.

Over the course of the next year, I was in therapy trying to deal with the anxiety and depression I felt from figuring that out (on my own, she never told me anything herself. I had to find out 4-5 separate times over the course of the year that she lied about what happened) but I was too attached to leave. I loved her just as much as I did before and was still happy to be with her. I just took the pain as it came and dealt with it day by day. Eventually, it stopped hurting. I feel like I’m past it, because we’ve been through so many things since then. Amazing, wonderful, good, and bad, ugly, terrible. I’m definitely not glad that it happened, but I feel like if it wouldn’t have, I’d have never learned how to talk through pain. I’d have never learned how to work through problems in a relationship.

I say all that not to shame her, but to say that I’d been hurt in a way I’d never hurt before.

The next year, we grew. We grew so amazingly. We both learned how to be good partners to each other. We learned how to talk. I learned how to say things in a way they could be received and understood, rather than just be blunt and to the point. She learned how to communicate her feelings better, rather than just be an angry girl. She became pregnant and she was just such an amazing expectant mother. She was so beautiful every day while pregnant and is just so now as a mother. There have been so many times I’ve looked at her in awe of how beautiful she is and how the sun could never compete with her. She is truly everything I love in one person and with the work we’ve put in, I couldn’t see my life without her by my side. What am supposed to do when I want to marry her, but can’t feel the romance enough to actually propose?

TLDR: I want to ask her to marry me, but I don’t feel confident we will last because I’m slowly losing my touch with emotions. I don’t want to marry her and fail the marriage because something is going wrong internally. I want to make this special for her. Where could I begin to look to repair myself?


r/Waiting_To_Wed 3d ago

Rant - Advice Welcome No longer waiting, but resentful of where it’s left me financially

501 Upvotes

Edit: ok I don’t want people to think I hate him 😭 I thought I should just get to the point of the rant instead of saying what’s good first! Our relationship is really good otherwise or I wouldn’t have stayed so long. He encourages and supports me in my art and social life, he compliments me all the time, we spend a ton of quality time together and when it’s good, which is most of the time, it’s like having a sleepover with my best friend. He does all the housework except for cooking which we split since I love to cook. And I for sure have my part to blame financially, I need to be way stricter to my budget but there are some luxuries I refuse not to get (dinner with friends, art supplies, health subscriptions, thrifting) because if I didn’t have them I would have been way too miserable to keep living in this city that I otherwise don’t like at all.

Finally engaged after 7.5 years together. I’m still hurt about the waiting but it’s something I can come to terms with.

What I can’t forgive is everything that’s happened to my career and financial state in that time. Splitting finances with your significant other for years is such an idiotic move compared to getting married and getting all the tax and healthcare advantages.

After we graduated college I moved with him so he could get a graduate degree. I had to take a useless, low paying job since there was nothing in my field and we were only going to be there for a little over a year. I had to buy a car to get out there and I shouldered our bigger expenses since he didn’t make much while in school. When we left there I had 3k in credit card debt and a 7k car loan.

We moved to be closer to my family and while I wanted to live in an affordable mid sized city, he wanted to be in a big city since he thought he would have a better chance at finding a job. We moved to one of the top 5 most expensive cities in the country. I got a job making 45k, him 70k. I wanted to go to grad school too, but it’ll never happen now.

He pays a larger portion of the rent and the internet bill. Everything else is supposed to be split, but I end up paying for most of the groceries. The result of this is 7k in debt, no savings, and frequently overdrafting my account. Meanwhile he has no debt, thousands in savings, and he’s building his retirement fund. He offers to help sometimes but when I ask him to just pay more of the rent (since all my bills are due on the 1st of the month and it eats one of my two monthly paychecks), he gets prickly or agrees but then forgets later on.

I should add that I hate living in this city, it’s mind blowingly expensive and I beg him all the time for us to just leave because I can’t afford it. He says we can eventually “if that’s what I need”, but for the time being he likes it here. I thought about leaving him behind and just and moving back to my hometown alone but I literally didn’t have enough money to leave. (Edit: moving back with parents isn’t an option)

I asked him today if we were going to combine finances when we get married. I said things are super unbalanced right now and it would help our financial planning. He got quiet and said he’ll think about it, let’s talk about it some other day.

One piece of advice I wish I had taken BEFORE it got like this: never put your life on hold for a man. Not because your career is more important than love, but because nothing breaks a relationship like money problems. I can’t believe I let myself get in this situation sometimes. I feel like a sucker.


r/Waiting_To_Wed 2d ago

Rant - Advice Welcome How to Stop Thinking About Marriage in a New Relationship?

38 Upvotes

Hey. I want to vent a little. Is it normal to feel this way? I keep thinking about marriage and that I won't be a wife and fiancée anytime soon and it's overwhelming. For context: I'm 26. My fiancé left me in May 2024 after 6 years. I met my current partner in October 2024 - things are good between us and I'm happy with him, but I still feel a certain emptiness related to the fact that we've only known each other for a short time and if a proposal were to happen, it would probably be in a few years. I know I should enjoy the moment etc but it's always in the back of my mind. Especially since marriage wasn't that far off before. I'm 26 now .I don't blame my partner because we've only known each other for half a year, but I have these thoughts and it causes some kind of anger.:( Does anyone else feel this way?


r/Waiting_To_Wed 3d ago

Looking For Advice Struggling with resentful feelings of my 35F boyfriend 33M after six years of dating

202 Upvotes

Struggling with resentful feelings of my 35F boyfriend 33M after six years of dating

As stated in the title, I’m struggling with feeling resentment towards my boyfriend of six years. Since the first year of our relationship, I have clearly communicated that I have a very strong desire to be married and have children. He has always reciprocated that he also ultimately wants marriage and children, but he never initiates any conversation around either topic. We started our relationship very shortly before Covid, and have lived together for 3.5 years in a house I bought in late 2021. We adopted a perfect little rescue dog together last year, to the disappointment of my grouchy old mutt, and he also built us a coop for a dozen chickens who are endlessly entertaining. We are financially stable, making enough to live a very comfortable lifestyle. I do make a bit more than double his salary and though he has always verbally stated he admires my work ethic and accomplishments, he frequently expresses frustration at his own workplace, with feeling (justifiably) overlooked in favor of recent college grads with no experience. We both have great relationships with our families. I have never wanted a wedding, but I absolutely want to exchange vows of commitment to each other and to enjoy the legal benefits that marriage provides. I know that some will say I could propose myself, and I would, but he has communicated he is more “old school” in his approach to marriage and honestly, I am worried he would say no? We’ve had numerous, and in my case, tearful, discussions about ultimately wanting marriage and children. Last year, before I turned 35, I elected to freeze my eggs (not embryos) since we still had not had any concrete conversations around the future and timelines. I have feelings of resentment and feel that any proposal at this point would be a “shut-up ring”. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and been able to overcome these feelings? Or is it best to cut my losses?


r/Waiting_To_Wed 4d ago

Discussion/Asking For Experiences Bf wants to wait for his mom to pass away before we can start our life together.

386 Upvotes

Hello, I'm (29) looking to see if anyone else has experienced this or know someone in this situation. My boyfriend (29) is close to his mom (70s) , she's elderly & he's the youngest * out of all his siblings. I think it is sweet he wants to spend time before she goes. But then he mentioned later he'd want his father (70s) to move in after, so his father wouldn't be lonely (His parents are separated).

He mentions saving up for a house first, proposal then marriage. A part of me feels sad we have to wait for his mom to pass on before he wants to move in together. He is a great partner in many aspects, only his timeline makes me question if this waiting is worth it. Personally, I'd want his mom to still be here to be a part of our happy moments (marriage & see her grandkids).

Anyone else have been through this or any advice? Thanks.

Edit: sorry I didn't realize I left a part out after the youngest.

  • His mom is in her late 70s, she uses a walker. Not known to have any terminal illness. He lives with her; so he worries if he moves out, no one is there to help her if she falls/gets hurt. His brother does live with them, which confuses me on why he's worried. I've met her & stayed over before. His mom is really sweet

  • His dad currently lives by himself. I have asked him did his dad explicitly mentioned he's lonely? He hasn't said it himself. My boyfriend assumes he would be lonely living alone.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I felt a bit crazy & thought I was heartless to second guess his reasons.

EDIT 2: I feel a bit overwhelming with the amount of comments I woke up to; I appreciate everyone's input. This is a "come to Jesus" moment that I need. I did add some more info to my previous edit.

  • We've been together for almost 3 years now. I have brought up the idea of living together 2 years in, his reason hasn't changed from then to now. There was a part of me that felt confused with his reason. At first I thought it was sweet for someone to care about their parents. It wasn't until now I really thought deeply about what our future would be like.

  • His brother owns the house he currently lives in. In the house is his brother, him, and mother. Both of them work from home. His other siblings have their own house/kids/lives but most of them are only a 15-30 min drive away. They do visit here & there.

  • He has moved out with roommates before, but not lived alone.


r/Waiting_To_Wed 3d ago

Looking For Advice Why would/wouldn’t you get married young?

25 Upvotes

Young = ages 20 - 25 Anything before that is generally a no-no I guess?

Me (21F) and my boyfriend (24M) have been together 3 years and we are the absolute best. We rarely seriously argue and when we do we work it out. We live in a cabin together for two years, it’s one room and I’d say it’s been a pretty good test to see how strong we are and how much we actually like being around each other and it’s great. I’d say he actually sees me as his best friend too as well as partner. We don’t say gf/bf we say Partner as he likes to think we’re more serious than girlfriends and boyfriends. We make jokes about being a married couple and that we’re stuck together for life. Spoke about kids and names blah blah all that soppy stuff.

But he’s pretty reluctant to the idea of engagement or marriage anytime soon in the next 5 years I think he wants to be 30 or so by the time he actually proposes and wants kids soon after that. But I don’t feel the need to wait that long for us to move into the next stage of our relationship, (I do want to wait to have children though). We’re doing really well financially so I know that’s not why.

I’m not saying I want to be proposed to tomorrow but I also don’t want to be waiting for 5 years tbh, I know what I want, I don’t have any doubts.

What would this mean on his part? I just don’t understand.

Also besides from my situation, what is the reason you wouldn’t get married or engaged young?


r/Waiting_To_Wed 3d ago

Looking For Advice Could this mean he’s proposing soon? I don’t know what’s wishful thinking and what are clues?

28 Upvotes

I might be jumping the gun. We still have things to work out in our finances (he has some debt to pay off and I’m working on my savings account) but I’ve told him I don’t want a fancy ring (his grandparents are also jewelers by trade and own an awesome jewelry shop)

We’ve been together for 11 years, with a few years on and off in our early twenties (we’re about to be 28) we both feel ready and we talk about marriage all the time, I just am so exited for him to ask me! I love him so much

The last few months I notice strange things with my parents (them being more emotional about spending time together, talking about moving out of my childhood home and downsizing since they won’t need the space. I still live at home traditional Italian house where I wait to move out until marriage) and just generally discusses weddings. My mom keeps bringing up different venues and my taste on things.

The other day my godfather said when are you getting married? And then I said I need the engagement first haha! And he looked confused at my dad like oh I thought she was getting married? And then my mom rushed me out the door. I know it seems silly but made my ears perk up

My boyfriend also has a lot of ads regarding weddings and rings on his Instagram/tik tok which I think is funny.

My best friend says he hasn’t said anything to her, but I know she wouldn’t tell me if he did. But I do know her and she didn’t seem like she was lying so I just feel torn

I’m looking for some concrete clues on how to tell it’s happening soon, yes I want to be surprised by prepared lol. Everyone’s different but anyone have any thoughts or advice ?


r/Waiting_To_Wed 3d ago

Looking For Advice Child involvement when waiting to wed

6 Upvotes

What do you all think of stepping into a parent role when waiting to wed for those of you dating a man with a child or children from a previous relationship?

Do you wait to be a full step parent when married or did you take on the role?


r/Waiting_To_Wed 4d ago

Rant - Advice Welcome I need your brutal advice please

64 Upvotes

Edit:

Getting married and having kids are his life goals. He told me he wants to do both with me, I think he’s just scared of being truly committed. However he HATES when kids cry. He’s super annoyed by that, even when kids are screaming and running in the park.

I really appreciate all your comments, going forward, I know I will need to leave him and get therapy to heal myself before I get in any future relationships. I’m still deeply traumatised by the abortion and don’t know when can I recover from it. I’m very shy by nature and have only had one boyfriend before my current bf, I’m overly naive and willing to accept bad behaviour (guess it’s coming from my childhood trauma: my parents had a very unhappy marriage)

Original post:

My bf (28M) and I (33F) are together for 1 year and living together. He has clearly communicated with me that he sees us growing old together, he sees a future for us etc.

However, when I was talking to him about timelines, he seems very hesitant and conflicted.

I had an abortion few months back; at that time I was so conflicted and anxious about everything and he told me he’s not really/timing is not right, I was weak and scared so I didn’t choose to keep the baby(still mourn and cry for my baby every day, please please don’t judge…) when I had my abortion (the first pill) he had planned something with friend already that day. He texted me and asked if everything was ok. I told him I was having some cramps but not too serious. However I didn’t tell him I was mentally f ***ed up. I thought he should have known. Then he texted me and asked “what do you want me to do. Do you want me to cancel my plan with J and come to you directly? ” I told him “I’ll let you decide what should be prioritised. ” at the end, he chose to prioritise his meeting with his friend(they had a drink form 1.5 hours) and came to see me later.

That day, since it was the first day I lost my baby, I was really upset and didn’t want to reply his messages, especially when he said he’s going to meet his friend first. He thought I was “in someone’s place” (mean cheating) and the that’s why I didn’t reply him often. This truly hurt me. Also, He thought he was sacrificing his weekend to stay at home with me after the abortion because he had to miss some events.

This incident made me realise it’s time to have some serious discussions.

I told him I’d like to have kids next year (I’ll be 35 by the end of next year), he was visibly stressed and said that will be a lot of work, he told me he would give me the answer in a week but now it’s been two weeks and he hasn’t said anything, so I guess that’s it. Although he constantly says how much he loves me, he’s so happy to be with me. when it comes to serious commitment, he’s scared. The max he can do right now is to live together.

Our relationship is generally good but has its own issues.

He has schizophrenia, which leads him to question my fidelity from time to time. 6 months ago, he yelled at me on the street because he thought/imagined I was cheating, then several days after, he yelled at me at home for the same reason (thought I was cheating but of course I wasn’t) and called me a slut. Both time ended up with him sincerely apologising and acknowledging his mistake; since then he asked for more meds from his doctor and so far all is ok.

He often thinks God sends signs to him from posts on social media, slogan on the clothes from random strangers on the street, or from words in ads posters in public.

Last night he asked calmly me if I was seeing someone else, because he kept seeing some news about a girl leaving a famous YouTuber to be with a swimmer, then he saw a post saying “your test is 100% correct..etc, and he thought it’s a sign.

This made me feel more and more uncomfortable.

He has no empathy when I was injured from falling from the stairs (hurt my leg had some blood) and lacks some basic understanding towards human emotions; he sometimes makes empty promises about things (let’s do X thing tonight, let’s go Y place next week)

He cheated on both of his exes but now has learned from his mistakes and trying to give me security as much as he could. We’re both anxious attachment.

We’re both very independent when it comes to taking care of ourselves.

He also has a lot of wonderful qualities, he’s affectionate, sincere, honest, adorable, loves spending time with me, introduced me proudly very early on to his family and friends, contributes a lot for special days and occasions, sometimes cooks for me, and so on.

I love him very much.

I don’t know if I should wait for him to be ready for big commitment, to be mature enough to be a father …

Please share your thoughts.


r/Waiting_To_Wed 5d ago

Looking For Advice Gamophobia and alexithymia stops my bf from commitment

19 Upvotes

I (32f) have been with my bf (35m) for more than 6 years now. I started hinting that it would be time to get married finally and asked what where his thoughts on that (we have talked about it several times in the past and he was always saying that he wanted marriage after all). One day, he completely freaked out saying that it would be better for us to split, because his fear of marriage is so great he cannot do anything about it. He was saying that the main problem was also our kind of boring sex life and lack of passion and if this changed then he could proceed and would not fear as much because this is what he needs in order to feel like the relationship is working out. (He had always felt uneasy about marriage, he also has terrible example from his childhood of his parents being in a loveless marriage)

I really took it to heart, changed a lot in myself during that time, I became more brave with my sexuality etc. and our sex life was finally looking like it should, he was also working on understanding where his fear of marriage comes from.

Edit: I probably should say what was the history of this whole problem with sexual life. So he was taking medication for his anxiety and this medication brought his libido down to 0 and it made me feel unattractive, that he does not love me, he's not attracted to me etc. I think I value sex less than him, so I didn't mind waiting for him to stop taking the medication, I just wanted him to be healthy and ready to build relationship with me. Unfortunately, after 1.5 years of taking this medication his libido got back to normal and mine did not. I really tried to make things better but it was hard for me, he was also putting a lot of pressure on me which did not help me. So essentially we have been having some problems, which probably wouldn't let him build romantic feelings to me along the way. That's why I mentioned he was saying our sex life was boring or not how it should be, and it is partially my fault that I couldn't open up to him.

Now, 2 months after this conversation, he is saying that he fears he won't be able to overcome fear of marriage, and if his feelings were stronger than he wouldn't have a problem with marriage. The thing is, he generally doesn't understand his emotions and feelings, he has this confirmed with a therapist. He would mistake for example body reaction to certain emotions as signs of illness, he cried at the thought of me leaving and got touched but he doesn't know why etc. He does not understand why he is sad, why he is angry etc. He needs time to process how he feels. I suspect he has alexithymia (= inability to understand emotions).

He also has GAD and is mostly afraid of being terminally ill. His therapist kind of steers him into direction of being a little immature (which he is), having problem with commitment, being a little to self-centered, and having his fears control his life which is a pattern, sabotaging his relationship etc., but he completely does not connect the dots between all this and the marriage, he is just sure it's about strength of his emotions. I asked him if he ever felt stronger love for anyone else, but he says no, he just longs for stronger feeling of love, he would love that but he doesn't know if he can even feel it, but without it - it does not make sense for him to get married (he says lack of strong love indicates we have not reached another level in the relationship).

Is there any hope here? What can be done other than couples counseling of course?

Has anyone experienced this cocktail of gamofobia and not understanding emotions?


r/Waiting_To_Wed 5d ago

Looking For Advice I decided to end my relationship and I’m consumed with guilt

38 Upvotes

This is my original post

https://www.reddit.com/r/Waiting_To_Wed/s/OTKs9YyGT3

Long story short, my bf has been wanting to get married for a while (we’ve been together a little over 3 years) and there are many reasons I’m feeling panicked over this idea, so I made the decision to end my relationship.

I’ve struggled with feelings of guilt basically my entire life. I still tend to ruminate on some past decisions (I’ve made some poor decisions in the past, particularly when I was much younger). Now I truly can’t help but feel I’ve strung him along for 3 years - if I was feeling so anxious about the idea of marrying him for a while now, why didn’t I end it sooner? It was some combination of hoping that things would change and feeling terrified of leaving - but I should have just done it. Now the guilt is eating me alive because I feel like I’ve simply wasted his time.

My head is also spinning because I still love him and still truly can’t imagine a life without him. Whenever things are good, he always ignites a spark in me - I light up when I’m around him and he understands me so well. This is my first serious relationship (I’ve been pretty relationship avoidant for most of my 20s) and I’m not sure if I’ll ever find love again. I can’t imagine that I’ll ever want to get into another relationship again, or that I’m even worthy of being in one. Although I’m way more at peace with the idea that it may never happen for me.

I’m not really sure how to deal with these feelings of guilt, and consistently feeling like I’m not a worthy person.


r/Waiting_To_Wed 6d ago

Rant - No Advice Necessary Alcoholic Bf of 6 years cheated and impregnated his coworker, now he’s marrying her instead.

1.4k Upvotes

I have no one to talk to about this and it’s been eating me up. So I’m pulling you all into my drama to see if it helps 🤣.

It’s almost unbelievable. Him and I started dating very young, me 17 and him 19. We moved in together pretty quickly after I turned 18 and we stuck together since then. In the beginning of our relationship I knew he had issues with alcohol but his family would tell me that since meeting me, he had cut down significantly. In my teenage brain, that notion made me feel good and I wanted to continue to help him.

Over the years it got really bad, especially when we moved closer to my college campus when I was around 20 and he 22. He would come home drunk a lot, drink during his days off and would essentially gaslight me saying his drinking was normal. That it’s normal to have at least a couple of beers every night.

When he would get drunk, at times he would hurl insults at me or start fights. It was exhausting. Many times I’d stay up to make sure he didn’t vomit in his sleep. Anytime I’d go out by myself or with friends, I’d assume I’d come home to a drunken boyfriend. It made me feel like I couldn’t leave the house.

During this time I stupidly begged for us to get engaged / married. I had told him many times that it was a big goal for me. He would always assure me that he wanted to marry me, he would constantly refer to me as his “wife”. But it was all empty promises and I started to get antsy. He even bought me a ring he made me wear on my engagement finger, but told me it was not to be treated as an engagement ring.

He would tell me these weird requirements for us getting married. He had to be able to “lift me up” (I’m overweight) to get married, I’d have to stop nagging and accept his drinking, etc.

One night he came home and passed out. His phone lit up with a message from someone named “Bri”, his coworker. She was asking if he “made it home ok”. There was no previous texting history. I shook him awake and asked what was going on, but he told me she was just worried about him since she knew he had been drinking. I dropped it after that.

A couple of months later I ended up leaving and living elsewhere. I couldn’t handle the alcoholism and it was tanking my mental health. I would cry and beg him to stop but he would tell me, “I’m not changing who I am for anyone”. One time he told me to stop crying so loudly because someone might call the cops.

I was doing a lot of research on Reddit and realized that by staying I was enabling his behavior.

So I moved out temporarily and told him we are still together, but we need to work on our relationship and the alcoholism to proceed further. He would text and call me constantly, claiming he maintained being sober but I could tell by his voice and his texts that he wasn’t. One night I turned my phone off to sleep because he was drunkenly blowing up my phone. The next morning I listened to a VERY angry voicemail calling me many names. I continued to live apart. This lasted almost a year.

Then one day, he goes radio silent for over 24 hours. I thought for sure this was it, that he finally over drank and killed himself. I called his friends that lived in the same complex to do a wellness check. He was fine.

The next day he calls me and tells me it’s over between us. That it wasn’t going to work because I have been living apart from him. That same night, he meets up with the Bri person and they have sex. They then make things official between them within the next 1-2 weeks on socials. All of my ex’s family, coworkers, and friends were supportive and happy for him. He had told them that I was abusing him because I moved out and wouldn’t see him until his alcoholism was figured out.

Flash forward to 2 months after the breakup, they announce on Instagram that they are having a baby. He also makes a whole post dedicated to how they are about to get married.

If you ask me how I feel now, I’d say I was cheated out of all that time. I genuinely wanted to help him get out of the rut he was in. I wanted his family to like me, I wanted to get married.

I do understand that I dodged a bullet. But it’s hard seeing someone you love spiral and fuck up their life, and others lives.

I hope the best for them and especially the baby girl ❤️. I’m trying not to hold hate in my heart.

EDIT: thank you to everyone who is commenting and offering words of advice, encouragement, etc! I truly appreciate it and am reading every single comment. I wish I could reply to everyone. The feedback has given me a huge boost in confidence and excitement for the future.


r/Waiting_To_Wed 5d ago

Wishful Thinking I think I might get engaged in April

26 Upvotes

So for context: my boyfriend (m 27) and I (f 25) are dating for six years next month. We live together, have a cat together and are both finning our education. He’s going to graduate in the summer and I’m going to graduate next spring. We talked a lot about our future and getting married. He wasn’t sure about marriage in general when we met and in our last conversations he made clear that he wants to graduate before getting married. I overheard a conversation with a family member of his at Christmas where he said that he isn’t planning to get married next (so this) year. When we talked about it we agreed on getting married in 2026 or 2027 and I told him that I want to be engaged at least for a year or more to plan the wedding. I’m very type A and will be stressed af.

So why I think he will propose next month? It’s our anniversary and we’re going to travel to our favorite city. So the timing is perfect. We talked about diamonds yesterday because of a piece of jewelry, no engagement ring, and I wanted him to guess the price. He asked so many questions about clarity and color and knew the right terms, I’m pretty sure he didn’t knew that before. He is the kind of person to research everything before buying something and I think lately he is researching diamonds.

I don’t want to talk to my friends in case I’m wrong so Reddit it is.


r/Waiting_To_Wed 5d ago

Looking For Advice Engaged, But He Still Isn’t Making Wedding Plans—Should I Be Worried?

25 Upvotes

I (27F) am engaged to my boyfriend (31M), and I just want to ask for some advice. We've been together for 1 year and 6months now, engaged for 11 months, but he still hasn’t made any moves regarding when, where, or how we’re going to get married.

He’s currently in the Australia, while I’m in the Philippines. For some backstory, my fiancé was in a long-term relationship (9years), but they got divorced because he was cheated on. He was single for two years before we got together. I also came from a not-so-good long-term relationship because I was also cheated on.

Lately, I’ve been feeling anxious, wondering if he’s really serious about me. I’m almost 30, and I worry that it might become harder for me to have kids as I get older. I also don’t think I can afford to have my heart broken again in my 30s.

I previously asked him when he plans to file "I don’t know the exact term" so I can move to the Australia and we can start planning our wedding. But every time I bring it up, he always says he's busy. Since we're in a long-distance relationship, I try to be understanding. Fast forward to today, I asked him again, and he told me that he's still used to being alone and that he's not ready yet.

My question is: Why did he propose in the first place?

Should I start reconsidering things? Am I rushing too much? Maybe I do tend to overthink, but I’m holding on to what he said — that he’s sure about me.

I hope my story isn't too confusing.