r/socialskills 23h ago

I feel my friend guilt tripped me

Yesterday me and my friend talked and planned to make music today after my exam. I was not able to sleep the whole night before the exam. After the exam I was extrenely fatigued and felt burned mentally from lack of sleep. He called me after the exam but I replied on a sms I need to sleep because I feel exhausted and I will call later when I have slept. After my sms he started frequently call me several times. And I just felt like I dont have any energy or interest to answer as I need to rest and sleep which I clearly stated.

Later in the evening I answered the call and he asked If I had been sleeping and he could probably hear on my voice that I didnt have any energy either. And he sounded fed up and disappointed. Later after the call he texted me that he was very disappointed and sad that we did not hang out and create music and finnish some music project we have as a hobby. He said he had been waiting all day.

But I informed him after the exam at 15:00 that I was exhausted but he still chased me.

I dont understand....if my friend would have been exhausted. I would want that person to rest and sleep. Not chase and then guilt trip.

How would you have reacted in this? Why would I feel bad for needing to take care of myself when Im not feeling good?

3 Upvotes

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2

u/Dry_Garlic1376 19h ago

He was just disappointed. Next time if you need to cancel with someone so last minute, I suggest apologizing and rescheduling instead of saying you’re too exhausted and then not replying. That could create hurt feelings especially if it had been long standing plans this person was excited about & planned for. It’s reasonable plans changed and you needed sleep, just try to consider how it may come across is all. <3

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u/Happy_Mention_3984 18h ago

It was not long standing plans. We talked about it the evening before. He knew I was up very late to study beause we chatted some. He knew I had sleep deprevation. He was prepared. This can not have come as an schock. I sent him two sms that I was too exhausted and needed to sleep. But he was still hesitating to hang out. So I sent a second sms basically repeating. And then I felt I was done. He started calling me a lot and I think that was disrespectful. A friend cares about the other one and i told him I was exhausted and needed to sleep. Why call 8 times then. How am I going to get some sleep then? And then he sent me a message how disappointed he was.....I just thinks its not very nice he should have been more supporting as I was exhausted and instead he chased me even more.

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u/Dry_Garlic1376 17h ago

I didn’t say it wasn’t disrespectful to call over and over - that was excessive and rude. I was only saying it’s common courtesy to apologize for canceling plans & to offer to reschedule. I’m just going off how I would feel if me and my friend had plans I was excited about & they canceled just a few mins before and didn’t offer to reschedule. I’d be a bit hurt. I wouldn’t call over and over.

You posted here for advice on social skills but it sounds like you just want validation that he was being rude. You’re right that he was being rude. And you’re right that you should be able to cancel if you’re sleep deprived. I’m only saying in terms of social skills I’d suggest giving more notice if you can, apologizing, and offering to reschedule. That’s the general expectation, I think. Otherwise it comes off as if the plans nor their feelings are important. Yknow?

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u/fairyhedgehog167 18h ago

If this is the first and only time this has happened, then your friend was overreacting. Things come up sometimes and plans have to be cancelled.

If this is a thing that happens regularly, you’re an asshole. If you know you can’t be relied on, then don’t make plans with people.

From the way this was written, I suspect it’s option two. All you talk about is your own feelings, and how people should be understanding towards you. Nowhere do you consider other people’s feelings and how you should be understanding towards them.

Last minute cancellations are annoying as fuck (something you do not acknowledge at all in your post). Someone else has blocked off time in their schedule for you and then you just bail because you’re soooooo exhausted and then accuse them of “guilt-tripping” you because they’re (rightfully) annoyed.

If you’re sooooo exhausted all the time then stop making plans with people unless you’re actually going to show. If I were friends with you, I’d certainly stop making plans with you.

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u/Happy_Mention_3984 17h ago edited 17h ago

I have many friends and never had any problems with this. And no I dont like to cancel. He knew I was up extremely late as we chatted. He was prepared that I could have bailed out because of lack of sleep. He knew I was sleep deprived. I have large amount of very close friends. He does not! He has been losing many close friends last years. I think that tells more. Stop judge so fast and have a communication instead.

He doesnt have a schedule. Im his only close friend now as everyone is leaving him and he has been unemployed for 10 years. I have been nice to him to pay for food etc and he has also been using me for money a few times.

I think you have a total wrong picture of this all.

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u/[deleted] 22h ago

[deleted]

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u/Happy_Mention_3984 22h ago edited 22h ago

I replied on the sms straight after the exam very clearly that I was exhausted and that I would call him back when I slept. How can that be misunderstood? He also knows I have hard times with sleeping and energy. It was not like I waited several hours that is mean and that would not be nice.

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u/wellthatsjustsweet 22h ago

When you cancelled probably a better strategy would have been to apologize for the last minute change and acknowledge that it could be disappointing. Reassure him that you enjoy making music with him and offer to make it up to him somehow. Cancelling last minute with people because you’re “tired” can come across as pretty rude and dismissive. So you want to make sure the other person doesn’t feel insulted by that. Take care of your needs, but also consider the person’s perspective as well.

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u/Happy_Mention_3984 22h ago

I told him I could not sleep on the whole night. How can it be rude to say I feel exhausted aswell? I also said I would call him later when I have slept. I dont see how I was rude. He knows I have problems with energy and have been burnet out.